homeschooling and family/sibling relationships

[blue daisy]

Since I can't seem to find what I'm looking for with the search function, would you mind sharing how homeschooling has affected your family's relationships with one another?  Parent/child, as well as sibling relationships.  If you started in PS then changed to HS, how have things changed?  Thanks so much!

[maize]

From my own experience growing up: most of us were homeschooled until third grade, then sent to school. I remember very clearly a sort of distancing that happened between siblings when each went off to school--those who were home together were closer to each other, once a child was in school they consistently became more peer/friend oriented and less sibling/family oriented. Some of that may have happened naturally with children growing older and needing to extend their relationships outside of home, but I think the sheer amount of time spent apart vs. together had a significant impact.

 

My kids are all quite close, none of them have ever been to school. My oldest gets most of her outside of home social needs met through heavy engagement in an extracurricular, but she remains close to her siblings at home. My kids spend a lot of time playing and talking together, and while sibling clashes of course happen overall they get along well.

[OneStepAtATime]

DS always adored DD but she rarely wanted much to do with him.  They do not have compatible personalities or interests.  I feared homeschooling would be a disaster.

 

The kids got on each other's nerves quite a bit at first once we started homeschooling, and have vastly different learning styles so when we pulled them out of school to homeschool (not having a clue what we were doing and having never intended to or even thought about homeschooling until it was sort of thrust upon us as our only option), things were very bumpy at first.  There were days I wondered what we had done to ourselves.

 

But now, DD and DS are much closer.  They are too different to be really close friends, but they definitely are nicer to each other and seek each other's company more now than they did when they were in brick and mortar.  They even started teaching each other sign language by watching you tube videos and helping each other practice, just for fun.

 

DS was always cuddly and close to me but DD was so independent and kind of a tough kid to raise at times.  Very strong willed.  She is a lot more likely now, though, to come get me so we can watch the sun rise together, or share something she has written or ask me to attend an event with her or even sit and cuddle a bit than she ever did when she was younger.

 

Things can still be bumpy but we were spending so much time doing homework and projects and driving here and there and evenings were very stressful.  Weekends, too.  Now there is more time to just hang out and watch a movie or sit outside and look at the stars, take a walk with the dog, go visit the grandparents, talk and share our day.  It isn't perfect since DD and DS do have very different personalities.  DH and DS, too.  DD and DH tend to need space, and quiet and not a ton of bonding time.  DS and I are more the pack animal type.   But our family life is definitely better than it was and we are all a lot closer.  DH just last night was saying that although he has had severe doubts about homeschooling all along and may continue to stress about it at times, he does feel that we made the right choice and our family dynamic is much healthier now.

[8filltheheart]

My kids are all close and have bonds as adults (my 4 that are adults ;) ) that I have never had with my own siblings as adults.  Whereas my extended family is pretty dysfunctional, my adult kids are always coming over to visit (or when they lived hours away, they would come to see us for their vacations). They keep in touch in a way I would never have even considered with my own brothers and sisters.  

 

(can't talk about the ps aspect)  All I can say is that we as a family enjoy each other's company.  From my perspective, that says more than anything I can actually put to words.   :)

[Soapy]

We started out in PS for K and 1st and are homeschooling this year.  My twins are b/g, so they're close but also have typical gender difference too.  I was worried that sibling rivalry and fighting might increase with hsing because they'd be together all the time.  Especially since they're essentially doing the same things everyday, I worried about competition too.  I can't believe how wrong I was about those expectations.  They're closer than they were before and seek each other out all the time.  There's little fighting, and it's probably less than when they attended school.  I have to say that I think we are all much closer than we were before homeschooling.  We have all of these shared experiences and books and knowledge that deepen the conversations we have on a daily basis.  It's been great for us!

[wintermom]

My 4 dc have all been homeschooled from the start, with ds 12 starting PS this fall. I'm really pleased with the close relationships my dc have with each other. They play very well together, and also participate in a lot of the same recreational sports. There is still the same typical sibling squabbling and need for space apart from each other, but there is a solid foundation of respect and kindness present in their relationships. 

 

Ds who just started PS maintains a very open and close relationship with me and dh. He does like having a little more distance with his younger brothers, but that's part of the reason he wanted to go to school in the first place. The younger brothers want to join him at school until they realized that they wouldn't be in his grade.

 

What I particularly like about the dc's relationship with dh and I is their complete trust and comfort level with us, and we also have complete trust in them. We know each other so well, which is gained through having spent so much time together. It's all about quantity of time over many years that has built up the relationships. 

[purduemeche]

Our kids are each others' best friends, which is the way we want it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dd and ds have had a bit of a rocky relationship.  They've always been homeschooled.  I think a lot of the conflict has been due to ds having ASD and the impact that has had on social interaction.  Lately though they've started to bond more.  I don't think they would have been able to grow into that if they were at public school but then again, I don't really know since this isn't a controlled experiment.

 

Ds has a very difficult schedule that would have meant that the kids wouldn't see him at all if they were in p.s.  So homeschooling has meant that they have a relationship with their dad that they wouldn't have had otherwise.  

[Joker]

My dds are closer now than when they were homeschooled (they both needed the space). I don't know if they would be as close as they are now if we had continued, though. They did start off in ps but only in K. Oldest is right now in a phase where she thinks homeschooling was a bad thing socially but a good thing academically. She doesn't think we should have traded one for the other. We have a good relationship with her though in that she has been able to tell us those things.

 

I had a great relationship with my parents and siblings, though, and none of us were homeschooled. I think the relationships developed are much more dependent on those involved rather than the schooling.

[Barb_]

I think that overall homeschooling makes for better family relationships, although there are exceptions. Certain sibling or parent-child pairs are better off with space, as Jean said. But when you live together 24/7, I think you have to put a priority on developing peaceful and productive relationships. You deal with issues as they arrive instead of just patching things up for lack of time. Also you aren't constantly trying to put out fires...scheduling snafus, friend or teacher drama, behaviors one kid has brought home that you don't care for...that sort of thing. The pace is slower and less draining. That said there are certain people who are poorly matched or who are just difficult people and sending them separate ways improves things. I think that's the exception though.

[Garga]

SInce mine were never public schooled I have nothing to compare it to, but my two boys are incredibly close. They are best friends. They choose to spend all their time together. My oldest gets about an hour to himself in the morning because he wakes an hour before the rest of us, but for the rest of the day he and his younger brrother spend all day together. Sometimes they'll wander off to play on an electronic alone, but they never say things like, "Get away! Leave me alone!" Sometimes they'll argue or get irritated with each other, but they still choose to be together in the same room.

 

I don't know if they'd be the same way if they were apart all day. I'm thinking they would not be as close. The evenings would be filled with homework or running around. Being homeschooled gives them plenty of time to get to know each other.

 

They adore each other and tell each other, "I love you." They don't say it all the time, but they do say it.

[IsabelC]

School has definitely had a negative effect on the way my children get along with each other. They used to be unusually close to the point where several people commented on how well they related to each other and how lucky I was that they played so happily together. During school they were socialized in ways both subtle and explicit to play only with same-age (and preferably same-gender) peers. At this stage we are still working to get over that aspect of schooling. 

[Dramorellis]

They are much closer now than when DS1 was in school. They play with each other constantly and help each other. Prior to that they fought all.the.time. They still bicker and have disagreements for sure but it is nowhere near the level it was before. My relationship with my oldest son has improved dramatically. We regained the closeness I felt we had lost when he was in school and I really feel like I know him and how he thinks, what moves him. We are able to discuss these things and I get actual answers and conversation as opposed to before it was a lot of blank stares and shrugs. As a family we are much closer now simply because we have more shared experiences and we are not racing around and under constant stress.

[momacacia]

DH is the oldest of 9, homeschooled since 3rd grade and all the rest were hs. Most of the kids are boys and being a large family also statistically isn't expected to be that relationally close. They all get along well, but I wouldn't say they are at all close. I think the two sisters are the closest they've ever been now that they're both married with kids and I think get along well.

 

I think MIL is waiting for her daughters to really "come back" and relate to her and have this wonderful mother-daughter relationship (like my mom and I do, eg), but from what I overheard over Christmas it hasn't materialized as she'd hoped. But, MIL is not terribly relational anyway, so it's not surprising. There was always a lot of work in their home and all the kids have great work ethics, but that doesn't always leave a lot of time for relationship.

 

I can be very project oriented as well, and I'm even more academically focused than she was. It's been a good reminder to focus on relationships and sunsets and moments and not just on work that needs to get done.

[Lanny]

This was the most unexpected and welcome change for our family. DD began as a Distance Learner, with courses from TTUISD, during October 2012. Our family is *much* closer now. We eat all meals together. We talk a lot more. We are much less stressed. Before, when DD attended a brick and mortar (private) school, I had to wake her and my wife up at 450 A.M. They were out of here at 550 A.M.  DD had to gobble down her Breakfast and rush to get ready, during that hour. Lots of time wasted, going to/from school.

 

With regard to siblings, DD has a half brother. He is much older than she is and I don't think their relationship has changed.

[TranquilMind]

Since I can't seem to find what I'm looking for with the search function, would you mind sharing how homeschooling has affected your family's relationships with one another?  Parent/child, as well as sibling relationships.  If you started in PS then changed to HS, how have things changed?  Thanks so much!

My kids have always been and still are best buddies, even more now in high school, even though they took different paths.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with personality as well as background. 

[J-rap]

My kids all started out in public school, with the first two coming home after 4th grade and the last 3 after 2nd grade.  They are all pretty close in age.  We did a lot together as a family even when they were in PS and they also had a lot of common interests as children;  they always seemed to enjoy playing together.  However, I'm certain that homeschooling brought them even closer together.  They really grew up as each other's best friends, and even when they went on to take some classes at the local public high school, they hung out in the same groups for the most part.  But, our town is small and the town kids seemed to all hang out in groups together anyway...  I mean with mixed ages and genders, so it all worked out very nicely.  My children all had their own friends too, apart from family, but those friendships didn't take over.

 

My kids are all in their early to mid 20's now, with the exception of one teenager, and they remain each other's best friends.  They work on big projects together, advise each other, encourage each other, challenge each other.  Our family has also been through some difficult events and I believe that drew them even closer together.

[fdrinca]

We've always homeschooled (no preschool or grade school, as you can see my kids are still quite young). Compared to others I've observed, I'd say that my children's primary orientation is family-based, while the B&M children we know have a friend-based orientation. Their siblings are enough for them. 

[skueppers]

My kids went to preschool, but have never been to school past that, so our situation isn't exactly what you were talking about. 

 

I was worried about butting heads with my daughter when we started homeschooling, and I won't lie -- it was a problem our first year. I felt like we spent all of our time working out how to work together, and not so much time learning. And yet, when it came time to prepare my portfolios for the twice-annual homeschool reviews we do here, I found that we'd actually gotten quite a lot done. 

 

Since then, things have been much improved. I really credit homeschooling with giving us the time to work on our relationship -- when I was going through this, I was much heartened by a blog post I'd read pointing out that if you're worried that you and your kid don't get along, that's not a homeschooling problem; it's a parenting problem. The advantage of homeschooling being that you actually have time to work on it! 

 

My son is a preschool dropout. He really wanted to stay home during the last year I'd planned for him to go to preschool, because he wanted to spend more time with his sister. This was fine with her, and my husband and I also saw a lot of advantages to it (having him in preschool was a real pain in many ways), so we let him stay home that year. 

 

My kids get along really well, and I'm sure that is helped by getting to spend so much more time together than they would if they were in school.

[Lolly]

We dropped out of the system after eldest finished 1st grade. At first, there was an attitude against doing things with the younger sisters (ds was still just a wee mite). Somewhere, that changed and they became best friends. (The twins were always extremely close.) I admit that I had many a talk that included it is okay to be friends with your siblings; they are the friends who will always be there. I think the bonds strengthened at the age where the age difference didn't make all that much difference. The bond between the oldest and youngest are a little different, due to the # of years I think. They still aren't quite on a level of equality yet age wise. There is more tolerance(from eldest) and more teasing (from youngest), a little more bossing too. 

[Doodlebug]

I have one child, so no sibling relationships to compare to...

 

But, on the end of parental/child relationships and homeschooling, I can tell you it's difficult.  Perhaps difficult in a good way, though.  We bump into each others' boundaries a LOT.  And when DS's struggle/attitude with math had me pulling my hair out, I KNEW we couldn't continue as we were... so, I started reading, and reaching out for help.  

 

A parent can not enjoy teaching, nor a child learning, if the relationship is out of whack.  That's the frustrating organic nature of it all.  One thing I can not do, if I hope to remain sane and hope filled, is sweep relational problems under the rug.  Homeschooling forces me to deal with it, whether I feel up to it, or not.  

 

 

 

 

[mamamindy]

What a truly great thread.

 

My kids are young - and more little than not - but as my oldest has grown, I am just so thankful for the sweet relationship she has with her younger siblings.  It is such a contrast to the relationships her church peers (PS kids - this is really her only peer group right now) have with their siblings.  It's one of the main reasons we homeschool.  Relationships are HUGE.

[happypamama]

My big two are much closer than I expect they would be if they were in school. They are each other's best friends. They do clash some, but they also seem to realize that they are a team. I think they'd have little to do with each other if they had their own school experiences, weren't together most of the day. Otoh, my oldest two boys tend to clash lately; I think sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, because they share a room and are together all day, and boy number two is the middle child, and sometimes he wants to lead the little guys around, and sometimes he wants to hang with the big kids but can't quite keep up yet. But they also hole up in their room and build LEGO together or roughhouse together too.

 

I think the best thing about our family homeschooling is that the littles really win. What they lack in undivided attention from me, because I'm schooling the big kids, they gain in sibling love. The little guys are completely adored and loved on around here. Now, that might be perfectly true of non homeschooled kids, too, but I know my kids all have an interdependence upon each other that I really appreciate.

[blue daisy]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.  I love hearing the stories of how spending time together homeschooling has (for the most part) brought your family closer.  :)

[ForeverFamily]

I started homeschooling when I was in 7th grade, and my brother was in 3rd. My relationship grew a lot stronger with my brother and my parents the 4 years that I homeschooled. I spent a lot more time doing things with my brother and my mom than I would have otherwise. And I enjoyed their company, and still do. I think when I went back to PS for the end of high school those relationships weren't quite as strong, as I was with my friends most of the day.

 

Now that my kids are homeschooled I can see the same closeness with each other. They are each other's best friends. And that is what I hope for them as friends come and go but family will always be there. I have actually received many comments from others at our church at how kind my kids are to each other during primary, the kids class. They say that my kids will always think of one another and try and pick each other when asked to choose someone to have a turn or help. I guess I am just surprised that all the other kids don't do that. Although, this is then sometimes followed by bickering and arguing during the remainder of church, the time with mom and dad. ;-) So they are not perfect and they still get on each other's nerves sometimes. But I am glad that overall they do more getting along then fighting. In contrast to that I did see a couple kids I know, about 8yo, who were talking poorly about their younger brothers to one another. It made me sad, I was reminded of how different it can be when friends and peer pressure seem more important than family. As a third perspective, while at work my husband recently spoke to a woman who homeschools her son. He is highschool age and he happily admitted that he enjoys the company of his mom/family as much as his friends.

[Mommy22alyns]

We have homeschooled from the start for both girls.

 

They are typical siblings sometimes, but overall very close and have a fantastic relationship.  I am very blessed.  I consider part of it to be that they're only 2 years apart, and Rebecca doesn't remember not having her sister.  She also never showed rivalry when Sylvia was born.  I do know that this is not always the case though.  I have a sister 9 years younger and we don't even speak, so I wanted my kids close in age.

 

They don't at all mind playing with each other.  Sometimes when I threaten to separate them for bickering, they immediately stop because they don't want to be separated.  Rebecca is at the gym 18 hours a week, and Sylvia does miss her while she's gone.

 

I definitely feel like homeschooling has allowed both girls to be best friends.  Rebecca does great playing with younger kids and interacting with them; she's not aloof or "above it all."

 

Overall, I just feel extremely lucky and blessed that my girls are so great and love each other so much.  :)