Paula in MS Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I think I will chime in here from a different perspective because I live in a suburb of Jackson. With wedding invitations, about half are RSVP and half are not. Those that come from the rural area beyond me are usually not catered. People will just estimate how many people are coming and provide finger food for approximately that number. No one ever runs out of food because these people can feed an army. Invitations coming from the suburbs and/or Jackson may or may not be catered and may or may not have an RSVP. It is common knowledge in my circle of friends what you should do with an RSVP. The way you describe them leads me to believe that their circle of friends does not have the money for catered weddings, so they would not be accustomed to an RSVP. They probably see this as unnecessary. You will need to call them to see if they are coming. Sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I've never heard of it being a southern thing, but I don't know that I'd call it rude. If it's normal in their area, then to them it isn't rude. Unfortunately that doesn't help you figure out numbers. You'll probably have to contact them individually to find out if they're coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Rude, not Southern. It doesn't matter what you're used to, if an RSVP is requested, the polite thing to do is to RSVP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I vote for "simple rudeness". I don't think that is a Southern tradition. I think it is just EXTREMELY RUDE... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Oh, I don't think anyone is ever obligated to send a gift. I was going off the Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book, and that says if invited, a gift should be sent whether or not you attend a wedding. I guess if people aren't responding to an RSVP then they probably aren't worried about breaking etiquette rules. I've recently been to two events on a Friday night and had friends talk about whether or not they were attending a wedding the next day. They had sent the RSVP back that they were attending but just didn't know if they wanted to go. Now, that is rude. Both receptions were full meals so it wasn't just a cake and punch thing. If there had been sick kids, or other reasons not to attend, I get it. But people, just commit or not, and follow through. Not just with weddings...with life. I know it's hard to be busy, but people get to work every day and get their kids to soccer practice. So put on some clean clothes and show up to a wedding, baptism, retirement party...whatever you said you would attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 13 years ago I helped run a wedding a NC. We had to call most of the groom's side and their parents to get responses. Most of them said they thought the response card was a momento for them to keep, especially because it had the "Love" stamps on the return envelope! I was like WHAT???? The groom said his mother said that was just how it was in the middle of nowhere NC. I can't for the life of me understand how anyone is expected to plan a wedding like that. Yes. This is how it was/is where I lived in NC. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Rude, not Southern. It doesn't matter what you're used to, if an RSVP is requested, the polite thing to do is to RSVP. Right! This is the debate in a nutshell. Doesn't matter what tradition or practice someone is used to; if a response is requested, you respond. Do people not teach their kids that? I acknowledge that I have never lived in a very small town, and have moved enough that I don't think my traditions are norm everywhere. Still.... there is nothing difficult about following instructions. Something new to me recently is the "regrets only" invitation - only respond if you are not coming. I had to look that up the first time I saw that on an invitation. It was for a drop-in, open house affair. Now I see them more often so apparently it is common where I live now, but not in the other places I've lived. So, anyway, I just did as I was asked. Who knows, if my kids get married maybe they'll just have their weddings over Skype or whatever the technology will be then. No guests to worry about; everyone can bring their own food to their own living room to eat during the "reception." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Oh, I don't think anyone is ever obligated to send a gift. I was going off the Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book, and that says if invited, a gift should be sent whether or not you attend a wedding. It is why I prefer Judith Martin's Miss Manners books. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Right! This is the debate in a nutshell. Doesn't matter what tradition or practice someone is used to; if a response is requested, you respond. Do people not teach their kids that? I acknowledge that I have never lived in a very small town, and have moved enough that I don't think my traditions are norm everywhere. Still.... there is nothing difficult about following instructions. Something new to me recently is the "regrets only" invitation - only respond if you are not coming. I had to look that up the first time I saw that on an invitation. It was for a drop-in, open house affair. Now I see them more often so apparently it is common where I live now, but not in the other places I've lived. So, anyway, I just did as I was asked. Who knows, if my kids get married maybe they'll just have their weddings over Skype or whatever the technology will be then. No guests to worry about; everyone can bring their own food to their own living room to eat during the "reception." An RSVP is not a regional tradition. I wish it were and then we could blame it on that, lol. As far as "regrets only," that often makes sense. :-) Homeschoolers tend to misuse "RSVP," as when signing up for a field trip. I don't care if someone is not attending; I only want to know if she is (and I want her money, anyway, which is a commitment that a verbal/e-mail reply really isn't). A true RSVP would have all the support group members contacting the person who organized the event to tell her that they are not coming as well as if they are. I usually tell people to sign up by sending money; I don't want to hear from them otherwise. :-) Yeah, and who knows--the future might be as you describe, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajag Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I'm from south MS and it's like pulling teeth to get people to RSVP for anything. They won't even commit if you straight up call them. ETA: It's just plain rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I just replied to a wedding using a monogrammed folded double sheet. I did the thing where you rewrite almost the entire invitation, nicely centering it. But I was probably in the minority. Many couples I know have a password protected wedding website that they put on their save the date cards. They can include a reply option, as well as travel, hotels, dress, registry links. I always reply online as well. Anyone who goes on the website enters an email, so the bride's family gets that info. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It stinks! Did I read correctly that you don't have all the invite addresses from the groom's side? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I'm not Southern, and when we got married we had a light supper. The caterer told us not to even bother with RSVP. She told us she'd done this enough years and basically played percentages when it came to weddings. She said an actual count would be of no use to her. We had a wonderful reception, there was plenty of food and I don't think we had too much left over, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 It is why I prefer Judith Martin's Miss Manners books. :-) No! I always pictured your house with a framed photo of EP and first editions of her books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 It's rude not to RSVP! A friend's son was invited to a wedding, I can't recall if it was in Virginia (where we all live), but the bride and groom (in their early-mid 20s) had RSVP cards w/ the following wording, "If you would like food to eat and a chair to sit in, then RSVP." Lol. This implies that you only have to respond if you are coming. If there an RSVP is requested, then you are supposed to respond either in the affirmative or negative. At our wedding a long, long time ago, I had to chase down several of my friend who had not responded. I was harrumphing about the rudeness of my generation not responding when I found out that several of these invitations were actually not received. I don't know if they got stuck somewhere in the twilight zone since all the invitations were mailed on the same day at the same post office. But, my friends were very happy to hear that they had been invited and were delighted to come. When my sister got married (that same year a long, long time ago), she was marrying a man from a small farming community. They were having the wedding in the Chicago suburbs. Future BIL insisted that you could put the invitation on the bulletin board at church. But their wedding receptions were either in the church basement or in someone's emptied machine shed with some cake, punch, and nuts, or if really fancy, some finger sandwiches. He seemed baffled that, despite insisting on a prime rib dinner, that we would need to know hoe many people were coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Now I know who said this to her- her future MIL. I am so not happy about this. I don't know whether she is simply ignorant or trying to undermine the wedding and making sure we look bad as the parents of the bride when we run out of food, programs, etc. Well I have until Jan 21st to give a final count and the deadline we put on the invite was Jan 5th. I will have to find out whether they are under the misinterpretation that because we are having the reception at the church, it is a casual affair. I have thought about what is one thing I will have dd do if her future MIL and GMIL don't know what we are serving at the reception. I will have her post the menu and at that point maybe they will figure this out and if they are not trying to undermine the wedding, urge their family members and friends to actually reply. I know that nowadays many people don't bother to RSVP. That really wasn't what I was talking about- it is that future MIL says that it is a Southern tradition to not RSVP. And as I thought, and as you all have confirmed, that is poppycock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 No! I always pictured your house with a framed photo of EP and first editions of her books. Miss Manners is excruciatingly more proper than EP. :D I probably have first editions of her books, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 This implies that you only have to respond if you are coming. If there an RSVP is requested, then you are supposed to respond either in the affirmative or negative. I know. Regrets only means negative. RSVP is either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Now I know who said this to her- her future MIL. I am so not happy about this. I don't know whether she is simply ignorant or trying to undermine the wedding and making sure we look bad as the parents of the bride when we run out of food, programs, etc. Well I have until Jan 21st to give a final count and the deadline we put on the invite was Jan 5th. I will have to find out whether they are under the misinterpretation that because we are having the reception at the church, it is a casual affair. I have thought about what is one thing I will have dd do if her future MIL and GMIL don't know what we are serving at the reception. I will have her post the menu and at that point maybe they will figure this out and if they are not trying to undermine the wedding, urge their family members and friends to actually reply. I know that nowadays many people don't bother to RSVP. That really wasn't what I was talking about- it is that future MIL says that it is a Southern tradition to not RSVP. And as I thought, and as you all have confirmed, that is poppycock. That's what I suspected. I think someone will need to gently correct her on this wrong assumption so she won't tell others on their side that replies aren't needed. I wonder if she's thinking it's a "regrets only" situation in which only those who will not be attending need to notify the host. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Now I know who said this to her- her future MIL. I am so not happy about this. I don't know whether she is simply ignorant or trying to undermine the wedding and making sure we look bad as the parents of the bride when we run out of food, programs, etc. Well I have until Jan 21st to give a final count and the deadline we put on the invite was Jan 5th. I will have to find out whether they are under the misinterpretation that because we are having the reception at the church, it is a casual affair. I have thought about what is one thing I will have dd do if her future MIL and GMIL don't know what we are serving at the reception. I will have her post the menu and at that point maybe they will figure this out and if they are not trying to undermine the wedding, urge their family members and friends to actually reply. I know that nowadays many people don't bother to RSVP. That really wasn't what I was talking about- it is that future MIL says that it is a Southern tradition to not RSVP. And as I thought, and as you all have confirmed, that is poppycock. Ugh. :( What does the groom say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Does something else give you the impression that the groom's mother would want to undermine the wedding and make you look bad instead of just a different family culture? Now I know who said this to her- her future MIL. I am so not happy about this. I don't know whether she is simply ignorant or trying to undermine the wedding and making sure we look bad as the parents of the bride when we run out of food, programs, etc. Well I have until Jan 21st to give a final count and the deadline we put on the invite was Jan 5th. I will have to find out whether they are under the misinterpretation that because we are having the reception at the church, it is a casual affair. I have thought about what is one thing I will have dd do if her future MIL and GMIL don't know what we are serving at the reception. I will have her post the menu and at that point maybe they will figure this out and if they are not trying to undermine the wedding, urge their family members and friends to actually reply. I know that nowadays many people don't bother to RSVP. That really wasn't what I was talking about- it is that future MIL says that it is a Southern tradition to not RSVP. And as I thought, and as you all have confirmed, that is poppycock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 13 years ago I helped run a wedding a NC. We had to call most of the groom's side and their parents to get responses. Most of them said they thought the response card was a momento for them to keep, especially because it had the "Love" stamps on the return envelope! I was like WHAT???? The groom said his mother said that was just how it was in the middle of nowhere NC. I can't for the life of me understand how anyone is expected to plan a wedding like that. :confused1: :svengo: That is really weird. :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Miss Manners is excruciatingly more proper than EP. :D I probably have first editions of her books, lol.Really? I shall have to check her out. I trust your recommendation, naturally! I have some older editions of Vogue's Book of Etiquette, oldest from 1948, which I love. Have you ever read The Young Visiters? The author was nine years old when she wrote this comedy of manners about society in late Victorian England. http://www.gutenberg.org/files/21415/21415-h/21415-h.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Really? I shall have to check her out. I trust your recommendation, naturally! I have some older editions of Vogue's Book of Etiquette, oldest from 1948, which I love. Have you ever read The Young Visiters? The author was nine years old when she wrote this comedy of manners about society in late Victorian England. http://www.gutenberg.org/files/21415/21415-h/21415-h.htm :cheers2: No, I don't think I have read that. I will check out the link. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Oh, I don't think anyone is ever obligated to send a gift. I was going off the Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book, and that says if invited, a gift should be sent whether or not you attend a wedding. I guess if people aren't responding to an RSVP then they probably aren't worried about breaking etiquette rules. I've recently been to two events on a Friday night and had friends talk about whether or not they were attending a wedding the next day. They had sent the RSVP back that they were attending but just didn't know if they wanted to go. Now, that is rude. Both receptions were full meals so it wasn't just a cake and punch thing. If there had been sick kids, or other reasons not to attend, I get it. But people, just commit or not, and follow through. Not just with weddings...with life. I know it's hard to be busy, but people get to work every day and get their kids to soccer practice. So put on some clean clothes and show up to a wedding, baptism, retirement party...whatever you said you would attend. Wait. Clean clothes? Nobody said ANYTHING about clean clothes, too!!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 ... So is this some real Southern tradition that I know nothing about, is it a so called polite way of saying no, or is it just that side's weirdness? Or something else all together. ... That side's weirdness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 It is definitely not a Southern thing for my generation, but I can't speak for the new generation. I'm a little peeved at people who can't check a box and seal an already stamped envelope...It's rude, but sadly common. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Oh, I don't think anyone is ever obligated to send a gift. I was going off the Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book, and that says if invited, a gift should be sent whether or not you attend a wedding. I guess if people aren't responding to an RSVP then they probably aren't worried about breaking etiquette rules. I've recently been to two events on a Friday night and had friends talk about whether or not they were attending a wedding the next day. They had sent the RSVP back that they were attending but just didn't know if they wanted to go. Now, that is rude. Both receptions were full meals so it wasn't just a cake and punch thing. If there had been sick kids, or other reasons not to attend, I get it. But people, just commit or not, and follow through. Not just with weddings...with life. I know it's hard to be busy, but people get to work every day and get their kids to soccer practice. So put on some clean clothes and show up to a wedding, baptism, retirement party...whatever you said you would attend. Last summer I was at a wedding that was sort of in two parts - wedding and short reception in the late morning, then a late afternoon dinner. It was a bit inconvenient for the guests because it was downtown Philadelphia (90% of the guests live in the suburbs, 45-60 minutes drive away), street parking was a bit difficult, and there was a lot of time to kill between events. Still, we all knew what we were getting into before we responded to the invitation, and the bride and groom provided ideas for spending the time in between (list of coffeeshops, bookstores, a park within walking distance of both venues). Quite a few people who had said they'd be at the dinner decided after the ceremony and short reception that they were done and went home. The bride's parents had provided a very elaborate dinner, and apparently there were a lot of leftovers. I have to admit I was rather disgusted by that. Now, I would never plan a wedding that way, because I think that it lacked consideration for the guests, BUT all the details were made plain by the invitation so we all had the chance to say no right from the start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.