Gender roles at my house (funny)

[Elisabet1]

Little girl is playing with the Loving Family minivan. She will not let the dad or the grandpa drive. She would rather allow baby girl drive (not baby boy) than any of the guys. My husband got a kick out of that.

 

But the other funny one was..last night I was cleaning in the kitchen. In walks 5 yr old (he is delayed, so not like a 5 yr old) and says "what are you doing?" As I try to answer, I knock over a cup of egg nog. I grab paper towels and start to clean it. He says "stop! wait! where is Daddy?" I say Daddy went to the movies with your brothers. So, he takes the paper towels from me and washes it up himself. It is so cute!!!  (I mentioned in a previous post that my husband sees the kitchen as his personal domain so he usually does this). My husband just laughed and gave his exasperated look. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I was just talking about something similar with DS tonight while he helped me cook dinner and clean the kitchen.  He is always the one to help me. I wouldn't say he enjoys it but he's a whole lot better at it then his sister,who's room should be labeled as a national disaster site. 

[Cinder]

At our house only dh irons clothes. To be fair it's mostly his work shirts. But he feels like it's part of his job--since he needs an ironed shirt for work he irons one. Plus he's much better at ironing than I am even though I'm the one who taught him the basics 30 years ago. :p

[Wheres Toto]

Dh does all the cooking at our house while younger dd is the one most likely to be his kitchen helper.

 

[Pink Elephant]

I find it interesting to learn how gender and roles (domestic chores/duties) play-out in other people's homes. 

 

In our home, the housework, cooking, cleaning, and shopping falls on me, whereas general household maintenance and yard-work falls on my husband, though I do spend countless hours outside gardening from spring till fall.

 

When the kids were little, my husband helped out as much as he could, including changing the odd diaper, however, baby-care was my department, and I was good with that being the stay-at-home mom I was. No man should ever have to go to work all day, then come home and start making bottles and changing diapers, at least not when the other SO is at home full-time.

 

Other notables worthy of mentioning... my husband does take the initiative (all on his very own without being asked) to scrub a floor and vacuum on occasion, and for that I'm grateful. DH also helps me with dishes regularly.

[Pink Elephant]

As a side-note... I know of not a single male figure that took on baby-care in the 60's or 70's.

[Storygirl]

 No man should ever have to go to work all day, then come home and start making bottles and changing diapers, at least not when the other SO is at home full-time.

 

 

Can't agree with this one. Why should one person change diapers 24 hours a day just because the second person was away from home for eight hours of the day? At the end of the day as a stay-at-home mom of babies and toddlers, I was definitely more exhausted by 6 pm than my husband was when he arrived home from work. He admitted that spending a day at home doing childcare was more tiring than spending a day at the office. 

 

DH was always glad to help with child-care when he arrived home (and he still does -- he puts the kids to bed each night). He also helps with laundry and other household chores, including some cooking if I give him instructions, although those things are mainly my domain.

[SemiSweet]

We have mostly "traditional" roles. Dh does trash and yard stuff. I do most of the inside chores, but we split baby care and we put away laundry together. He rarely cooks but almost always chops the veggies I need for dinner. It works well for us.

[maize]

Can't agree with this one. Why should one person change diapers 24 hours a day just because the second person was away from home for eight hours of the day? At the end of the day as a stay-at-home mom of babies and toddlers, I was definitely more exhausted by 6 pm than my husband was when he arrived home from work. He admitted that spending a day at home doing childcare was more tiring than spending a day at the office.

 

DH was always glad to help with child-care when he arrived home (and he still does -- he puts the kids to bed each night). He also helps with laundry and other household chores, including some cooking if I give him instructions, although those things are mainly my domain.

No kidding! I work hard all day at home, dh works hard at work. In the evening, there is still plenty of work to do and rightfully both adults should contribute.

 

Dh does very little house or yard work, but he does spend a lot of time playing with and reading to the children in the evening. My introverted self is very grateful after a full day of interacting with the kids :)

[maize]

As a side-note... I know of not a single male figure that took on baby-care in the 60's or 70's.

My dad did! I remember him walking the halls with fussy babies many nights.

 

He also did a lot of the cooking at my home.

[maize]

Oh, and diaper changes. I know my dad did lots of diaper changes, I remember that his method of cleaning off the baby's bum was to turn on the water in the tub and hold the baby under it :)

 

My dad was always great with babies, it was older kids he had a hard time parenting.

[happypamama]

Cute thread!

 

About twenty-five years ago, my mom hurt her back, badly, and she was out of commission for much for several months. Shortly after she was better and back to her normal activities, one of my kid brothers had a friend over. During dinner, someone commented that it was the first meal Mom had made in a while. Friend looked shocked. "How did you eat?" Mom replied that Dad had cooked. One of my brothers piped up, "Naw, he doesn't cook; he just heats it up on the grill." :D

[duckens]

Gender story:
It was a thrill on Christmas to see my two little girls decked out in their Elsa dresses (from Frozen): one playing with her new crane, the other putting together her legos.  They are modern women!!!!

---------------------------------------------------
 

 

Storygirl says:
At the end of the day as a stay-at-home mom of babies and toddlers, I was definitely more exhausted by 6 pm than my husband was when he arrived home from work.

I used to feel bad about how beat I was at the end of the day when Loverboy came home and helped with the house and our little one(s). 
 

But whenever I took a rare day off away from the family, and I left him with the kids, he would have no energy to do anything but sit on the couch after 5:30pm. He was exhausted.  I was full of energy and ideas by that time of day.

I don't feel bad anymore.

[Pink Elephant]

Can't agree with this one. Why should one person change diapers 24 hours a day just because the second person was away from home for eight hours of the day? At the end of the day as a stay-at-home mom of babies and toddlers, I was definitely more exhausted by 6 pm than my husband was when he arrived home from work. He admitted that spending a day at home doing childcare was more tiring than spending a day at the office. 

 

DH was always glad to help with child-care when he arrived home (and he still does -- he puts the kids to bed each night). He also helps with laundry and other household chores, including some cooking if I give him instructions, although those things are mainly my domain.

 

I'm old school to the bone, a traditionalist if you will, so the argument surrounding the case of, "I'm too tired", or "I'm so overworked", or "poor me", doesn't cut it.

 

My own mother was up from the crack of dawn until dark, taking care of us kids, cooking, baking, doing housework, and whatever else required doing to keep things in and around the home running smoothly and efficiently, and not once did I ever hear her complain. That was her job and she knew it, and sure, there were definitely days where my mother was dead on her feet, but she was a trooper and took pride in being the proper stay-at-home mom and homemaker she was, just as my father took pride in who he was and what he did for the family (labourer outside the home).

 

I mirrored the same and never complained.

 

It's called dedication, and it's what separates the older generation from today's namby-pamby generation.

 

IMO far too many young couples today embark upon parenthood with a sense of complete and total naivety, thinking it will be so easy and without it's ups and downs or trials and tribulations, only to find out such is not the case, hence the chronic divorce rate nowadays and dysfunctional family units present in our modern day society today.

 

Sure, for the dads and male figures in family units who choose to involve themselves (with childcare) beyond that of their own daily schedules and work obligations (outside the home), I tips me hat to them, but to arbitrarily impose additional requirements and demands is IMO shameful.

[LucyStoner]

No man should ever have to go to work all day, then come home and start making bottles and changing diapers, at least not when the other SO is at home full-time.

 

 

I think every father deserves the opportunity to be a full and equal parent to their children. To know how to bathe, clothe, feed, put to sleep and wake up with their child. And certainly children deserve that attention and care from both mom and dad, if at all possible. Obviously there are some families where this is impossible but when 2 parents are around everyday, it shouldn't be one person's job to see to all baby care.

 

I agree that when one person is working all day, the other person shouldn't leave all domestic duties for their spouse to take care of at the end of the day but childcare should be a shared experience.

[Laura Corin]

 

 

My own mother was up from the crack of dawn until dark, taking care of us kids, cooking, baking, doing housework, and whatever else required doing to keep things in and around the home running smoothly and efficiently, and not once did I ever hear her complain. That was her job and she knew it, and sure, there were definitely days where my mother was dead on her feet, but she was a trooper and took pride in being the proper stay-at-home mom and homemaker she was, just as my father took pride in who he was and what he did for the family (labourer outside the home).

 

 

You see: this is the bit I don't understand.  Your father's dedication of 8 or 10 hours a day was equivalent to your mother's of 24 hours a day.  I don't see that reapportioning that is 'namby-pamby'.

 

FWIW, my father was married twice: his first marriage was along the lines you describe; his second was along more modern lines.  He was so much more involved with the children of his second family and, I believe, the whole second family was happier for it.

 

L

[maize]

I would have a very, very hard time respecting a man who allowed his wife to work until she was dead on her feet while considering his own familial responsibilities fulfilled by a forty hour work week.

[LucyStoner]

I'm old school to the bone, a traditionalist if you will, so the argument surrounding the case of, "I'm too tired", or "I'm so overworked", or "poor me", doesn't cut it.

 

My own mother was up from the crack of dawn until dark, taking care of us kids, cooking, baking, doing housework, and whatever else required doing to keep things in and around the home running smoothly and efficiently, and not once did I ever hear her complain. That was her job and she knew it, and sure, there were definitely days where my mother was dead on her feet, but she was a trooper and took pride in being the proper stay-at-home mom and homemaker she was, just as my father took pride in who he was and what he did for the family (labourer outside the home).

 

I mirrored the same and never complained.

 

It's called dedication, and it's what separates the older generation from today's namby-pamby generation.

 

IMO far too many young couples today embark upon parenthood with a sense of complete and total naivety, thinking it will be so easy and without it's ups and downs or trials and tribulations, only to find out such is not the case, hence the chronic divorce rate nowadays and dysfunctional family units present in our modern day society today.

 

Sure, for the dads and male figures in family units who choose to involve themselves (with childcare) beyond that of their own daily schedules and work obligations (outside the home), I tips me hat to them, but to arbitrarily impose additional requirements and demands is IMO shameful.

Back this train up.

 

It is "shameful" for couples to see childcare as a loving act they are both fully dedicated to? It is namby pamby for her to complain of being tired but not for him to do nothing beside work out of the house? My husband works in a pharmacy for an 8 hour shift. I assure you that his day is more restful than my average day as a homemaker.

 

If my husband thought caring for his kids was an additional requirement or demand... Well, I'll just stop there because I simply wouldn't have married anyone with that thinking.

 

Real men know how to take care of children and don't feel entitled to sit on their butt after work while mom handles everything baby.

 

ETA- my husband works 32 hours a week and studies another 30+ hours. He's got a pretty sweet deal at home. I cook, clean, maintain our car, homeschool, ferry around a child with several appointments a week for his autism related matters and I bring home extra $$ doing contract work from home with 1-2 monthly client on site meetings. He also is there for the boys to the fullest extent he can be.

[Pink Elephant]

You see: this is the bit I don't understand.  Your father's dedication of 8 or 10 hours a day was equivalent to your mother's of 24 hours a day.

 

As I mentioned, I'm a traditionalist through and through, so live and swear by much of what past generations practiced.

 

Traditionally, baby/child care was the mothers job, and bringing home the bacon was the fathers job, and though not perfect, I am sold on and a firm-believer in the defined job descriptions of the day.

 

No, it wasn't equal by any means, but when I analyze family units today, I laugh, because for whatever reason I will never know or understand, I seem to get the impression that whomever works outside the home not only has to earn the income for the family, but also has to come home at the end of his or her workday and work double-time on top of it all caring for children.

 

Here is where the modern family looses me. I hear it all the time from moms, "I'm so tired". I think to myself, snap out of it and get off the pity potty your sitting on! 

 

Back in the day, housewives and homemakers spent their entire days cooking and baking (among countless other things), and they kept themselves looking like true proper women. No one ate-out. Today, young families visit restaurants feverishly (think little to no homemade meals and/or baking going on in those homes), yet mothers are so exhausted?

 

They pop open a handful of sticky diaper tapes each day and roll up the dirty diapers and toss them into garbage, prepare a bottle or two, and sit junior down in his playpen or in front of the television?

 

When I was diapering, I used real diapers, cloth diapers, which for those not old enough to know or remember what old-fashioned cloth diapers entailed, you had to fold them to fit, and then you had to fasten them with safety pins, and when you had the diaper on and fastened, you topped the diaper and pins off with a pair of rubber pants.

 

When you changed a diaper, you took the cloth diaper (sometimes the rubber pants, too) and walked them down to the bathroom to rinse them out in the toilet, then you deposited the soggy bundle into the plastic diaper pail for safe-keeping until diaper wash day.

 

When diaper wash day arrived, you washed the diapers in the washing machine and when the wash cycle was done, you gathered up the diapers from inside the washer, loaded them into the laundry basket, and walked them outback to the clothesline and hung them up one-by-one to dry.

 

When the diapers were dry, you folded and repeated the process, again and again, hundreds upon hundreds of times.

 

I'm at a complete and total loss as to comprehend all the "tiredness" I hear of nowadays.

[Pink Elephant]

I would have a very, very hard time respecting a man who allowed his wife to work until she was dead on her feet while considering his own familial responsibilities fulfilled by a forty hour work week.

 

Me, too.

[creekland]

I'm old school to the bone, a traditionalist if you will, so the argument surrounding the case of, "I'm too tired", or "I'm so overworked", or "poor me", doesn't cut it.

 

My own mother was up from the crack of dawn until dark, taking care of us kids, cooking, baking, doing housework, and whatever else required doing to keep things in and around the home running smoothly and efficiently, and not once did I ever hear her complain. That was her job and she knew it, and sure, there were definitely days where my mother was dead on her feet, but she was a trooper and took pride in being the proper stay-at-home mom and homemaker she was, just as my father took pride in who he was and what he did for the family (labourer outside the home).

 

I mirrored the same and never complained.

 

It's called dedication, and it's what separates the older generation from today's namby-pamby generation.

 

IMO far too many young couples today embark upon parenthood with a sense of complete and total naivety, thinking it will be so easy and without it's ups and downs or trials and tribulations, only to find out such is not the case, hence the chronic divorce rate nowadays and dysfunctional family units present in our modern day society today.

 

I guess I'm glad this works for you (to each their own), but I would really mentally suffer in such a situation.  I think my boys would have suffered too.

 

For us, sharing things works out very well.  Hubby handles car maintenance (though I often remind him of what needs to be done).  I tend to handle laundry - though if anything ever needs ironing, he does it.  I handle bills and family finances except for taxes which he does.

 

Aside from those, I can't think of any roles we keep consistently.  We both can (and do) vacuum.  We both changed diapers.  We both took kids to the park - often together with that one.  We both do dishes.  I tend to cook more, but there are meals he makes.  I go grocery shopping more, but he can do it too (with a list).  He makes the bed far more often than I do (he also gets up later).  Either one of us can mow the lawn or weed the garden.

 

We totally share chores the way I look at it.  He doesn't complain.  His mother was super traditional and he still doesn't complain.  In fact, before we were married he told me he WANTED to be involved as a father from diaper changes on.

 

For the first few years of parenting I stayed home.  For all the rest I've worked part time.  Part time was eons better for me - and us - as I got mentally stuck in a rut at home all the time.

 

26+ years later, we aren't looking at divorce at all.  We're both happily married empty nesters who still enjoy spending time together and reminiscing the child rearing portions of our lives as well as continuing to share chores and new experiences.

[creekland]

No, it wasn't equal by any means, but when I analyze family units today, I laugh, because for whatever reason I will never know or understand, I seem to get the impression that whomever works outside the home not only has to earn the income for the family, but also has to come home at the end of his or her workday and work double-time on top of it all caring for children.

...

I'm at a complete and total loss as to comprehend all the "tiredness" I hear of nowadays.

 

I think one of the differences is that my hubby didn't consider childcare "work."

 

Household chores can be work (for both of us). That's why we shared them.  ;)

 

And disposable diapers were terrific!  ;)

 

Our tiredness would come from getting stuck too much on household chores - so we did them (often together) and then went out to the park, fishing, hiking, gardening, etc.  As the boys got older we did family games, family hikes, geocaching (generally one day a week was devoted to this - combined with hiking) and more.  We traveled all over the US (except Alaska) with the boys - camping in most states to extend travel $$.  At home we raised ponies with all of us helping out.

 

I did most of the homeschooling, but even then, there were times he'd grab tests to grade and he definitely got involved in our discussions.  He took every boy out with him on some of his job sites and they learned a bit about engineering surveying and dealing with clients.

 

It IS a totally different life - no question about that.

 

It's one we both have loved.

 

I can buy pies if we want them (we rarely do).  But when we make Christmas cookies, ALL of us get involved.  They taste so much better that way!

[Tammi K]

I would have a very, very hard time respecting a man who allowed his wife to work until she was dead on her feet while considering his own familial responsibilities fulfilled by a forty hour work week.

 

Very well said!

 

[Pink Elephant]

Household chores can be work (for both of us). That's why we shared them.

 

Both my husband and I come from traditional European backgrounds/traditional upbringings, so we were quick to adopt into our married life, much of what we were exposed to and taught in the way of principles related to domesticities (and responsibilities) in and around the home.

 

It was established from the get-go, that I would stay at home and raise the children, and I was all for that. As for other standard daily household chores, duties, and miscellaneous things, we shook hands on a traditional role system, where baby/childcare, cooking, baking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and whatever other incidentals happened my way, fell to me, and as for my husband, it was agreed upon that he would (aside from working outside the home) oversee all maintenance and outside work (i.e., lawn cutting, snow-shovelling, etc), and to this day we still live by our early days agreement.

 

Of course living by a distinct divide isn't for everyone, but for us it has always worked extremely well and provided us with balance. That doesn't go to say that we don't offer our assistance where needed (outside of our chosen roles), just that for the most part we oversee the areas where we agreed upon to oversee.

[foxbridgeacademy]

When the kids were little Dh did about 1/2 the cooking (I was not a good cook) and helped daily with the cleaning.  He changed diapers and with DS fed bottles when I was too tired to nurse him (DD refused to take a bottle no matter what was in it).  As the kids have gotten older and required less work (even helping out) he's done less and less.  It's okay, I get it, I can finally cook decently, the kids do the dishwasher, and DH does his own laundry so he doesn't feel as needed.  There are times that I refuse to cook dinner, we call this "fend for yourself night", and he'll jump in and make something.  Or if we have company coming he always helps clean.  I would like him to take out the trash but this is more of an issue of forgetfulness then laziness.  If he hadn't been so very helpful when the kids were young there would have been no marriage.  I'd already BTDT once and had learned my lesson well.

 

*fend for yourself night in most houses is called "leftovers"

 

As for men in the 60's and early 70's, not all of them were the "traditional" model mentioned above.  Some like my dad's father helped out with the babies, ironed their own shirts, they might not cook but they'd do dishes and sweep the floor.

 

 And (if I can find the article/study I'll post a link) women say the one thing that they find the most attractive about their husbands is when the guy helps around the house.  Forget flowers and romance, do the dishes, fold the laundry for Valentines Day.

[LucyStoner]

Does tradition necessitate name calling and insulting people? I don't think so. Pink Elephant, You have called having a different approach than you "namby pamby" and "shameful". I contend it is neither.

[Pink Elephant]

And (if I can find the article/study I'll post a link) women say the one thing that they find the most attractive about their husbands is when the guy helps around the house.  Forget flowers and romance, do the dishes, fold the laundry for Valentines Day.

 

Right you are!

[Pink Elephant]

Does tradition necessitate name calling and insulting people? I don't think so. Pink Elephant, You have called having a different approach than you "namby pamby" and "shameful". I contend it is neither.

 

Not names, but rather generalized terms or passages, ones that best define the way I view floundering family units of today as compared to well-anchored family units of yesteryear.

[hornblower]

As a side-note... I know of not a single male figure that took on baby-care in the 60's or 70's.

 

a) they existed & many of us on this board knew/know them

 

b) it's true they were rarer but it's a good thing that they're less rare now

 

 

[Pink Elephant]

it's true they were rarer but it's a good thing that they're less rare now

 

 

 

I couldn't agree more.

[hornblower]

Pink Elephant, do you have children you're homeschooling now? And if so, what are their ages? I must have missed your intro.

[Shawna in Texas]

We're the namby pamby sort. We've been floundering now for nearly 20 years.

[Ausmumof3]

Pink Elephant, do you have children you're homeschooling now? And if so, what are their ages? I must have missed your intro.

Lol...

 

I think the reason so mums are all tired is so few do just sah. Most of the ones I know run part time businesses or homeschool or work part time... Those with kids in school volunteer hugely at school.

 

Running a home with a bub in cloth... Check. Done that.

 

It was a breeze compared to homeschooling.

 

We have pretty traditional duties but dh works 50 or more hours a week. If he's sitting back relaxing at night... Mostly so am I.

 

My dad is a better cook than mum was, and helped out with baby care occasionally.

 

What I see in many traditional style European families is the kids getting a lot of yelling etc. because mum is tired and overworked.

[Garga]

Not names, but rather generalized terms or passages, ones that best define the way I view floundering family units of today as compared to well-anchored family units of yesteryear.

Pink Elephant, did you homeschool?

 

I could understand your point of view if all I did was take care of babies and do household chores. After a few years, the kids would go to school and those crazy hectic baby/toddler years would be behind you. I can see the division of labor you talk about making sense.

 

But when you add homeschooling to the mix, then you're adding a level of work that was unseen in generations past. And then add to the fact that it really is a different world and it is NOT designed for many people to live on one salary--particularly when they're young enough to be in their childbearing years. Sure, now that my DH is older, he earns enough for me to stay home, but when we first married it wouldn't have been possible.

 

Homeschooling a 7th and 4th grader takes me 6-7 hours of hands on teaching a day, not counting the 4-5 hours a week I do preparing for school. Sure, I could then do all the chores on top of that, but that would be silly and grossly unfair. I spend the same amount of time spent on a job that my dh does. My job is teaching. Sure, I have only 2 students, but it takes me 35-40 hours each week.

 

And no, I won't back down on the time I spend schooling to do the chores. We are academically rigorous here and I don't like sending the kids off to work independently yet. Maybe in 10th grade.

[creekland]

It was established from the get-go, that I would stay at home and raise the children, and I was all for that. 

...

Of course living by a distinct divide isn't for everyone, but for us it has always worked extremely well and provided us with balance. 

 

I think the key is that each couple needs to decide for themselves.

 

I love my guy.  Before we were married he told me he was ok with my staying at home (with or without kids) or working.  It was 100% my decision.  I opted to work (full time), then stayed at home when we had kids, then decided to work part time when we moved to PA because I was going crazy at home full time.  Youngest was about 1 year old at that time.  I changed from that job and started working at school when youngest was 3.  He was 100% supportive of me with each decision I made.  I know he'd be ok even now if I decided I wanted to quit and stay home - or pursue something else.

 

And all of it has nothing to do with household chores or who changed the diapers.  He's always been helpful with both - no matter what I was doing.  And he's always been a great dad - even arranging his (work) schedule around mine when needed.  Of course, I worked mine around his when needed too.  We both worked ours around special events for our kids - so we could always be there to watch them at games or concerts or anything special (birthdays, etc).

 

It's worked well for us whether it's namby pamby to others or not.

 

I'd be mentally unstable now (literally) if I didn't have a work outlet. (It's not about the money - of which I earn a very small percent of our household income.)  I was never meant to be solely a stay at home wife (mother or otherwise).  But I've no quibbles with those who choose that for themselves.  It's all a matter of fit.  We all do best when we're where we fill our niche.  We're happier and more content then too.

[LucyStoner]

Not names, but rather generalized terms or passages, ones that best define the way I view floundering family units of today as compared to well-anchored family units of yesteryear.

There are plenty of happy families where the division of labor is not rigidly based on gender. There are also plenty families with traditional gender roles which end in divorce and even DV charges. Certainly not all are all one way and there are happy families with traditional and non traditional labor divisions.

 

If namby pamby isn't rather childish namecalling, I don't know what is.

[hornblower]

say one person works 8h out of the home, and their spouse works 8h in the home - there are still 16h left in a 24h day & much of that time will involve parenting tasks or household tasks. Why should the person who was out for 8h be magically exempt from the tasks that are left? I don't get it.

I also note that Pink Elephant has indicated in other threads that she bottle fed and smacked babies during diaper changes. Breastfeeding and empathetic parenting sometimes is more time intensive. 

And lastly, I'm really sceptical of this sort of rose colored glasses nostalgia wrt parenting 'back then' (whenever that was, exactly). Mother's little helper is not just a song. Valium rx and addiction was an issue because many, many mothers (and fathers) were struggling.

Parenting.is.hard.

[Laura Corin]

Not names, but rather generalized terms or passages, ones that best define the way I view floundering family units of today as compared to well-anchored family units of yesteryear.

 

Okay, I think I can understand what is happening here:

 

a) You have viewed families where the relationships seem non-traditional (namby-pamby?) with consequences that you regard as shameful.

 

b) You assume, based on this limited sample size, that the lack of rigidly-defined, gender-linked roles leads to poor family dynamics

 

c) Because you think a) and b) are consequential, you disregard other stories that you are given.

 

My dog is white.  My dog is female.  All female dogs are white.

 

L

[Veritaserum]

Sure, for the dads and male figures in family units who choose to involve themselves (with childcare) beyond that of their own daily schedules and work obligations (outside the home), I tips me hat to them, but to arbitrarily impose additional requirements and demands is IMO shameful.

Your "traditional" requirements delineated by gender are also arbitrary (apart from biological functions of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding).

[Veritaserum]

Dh and I have been married for almost 16 years. I would have divorced him if he had expected me to slave over home and family without ever complaining all while "looking like lady."

 

So there's at least one divorce that DIDN'T happen *because* we have a modern rather than "traditional" marriage. :)

[SparklyUnicorn]

Pink Elephant, did you homeschool?

 

I could understand your point of view if all I did was take care of babies and do household chores. After a few years, the kids would go to school and those crazy hectic baby/toddler years would be behind you. I can see the division of labor you talk about making sense.

 

But when you add homeschooling to the mix, then you're adding a level of work that was unseen in generations past. And then add to the fact that it really is a different world and it is NOT designed for many people to live on one salary--particularly when they're young enough to be in their childbearing years. Sure, now that my DH is older, he earns enough for me to stay home, but when we first married it wouldn't have been possible.

 

Homeschooling a 7th and 4th grader takes me 6-7 hours of hands on teaching a day, not counting the 4-5 hours a week I do preparing for school. Sure, I could then do all the chores on top of that, but that would be silly and grossly unfair. I spend the same amount of time spent on a job that my dh does. My job is teaching. Sure, I have only 2 students, but it takes me 35-40 hours each week.

 

And no, I won't back down on the time I spend schooling to do the chores. We are academically rigorous here and I don't like sending the kids off to work independently yet. Maybe in 10th grade.

 

Ugh definitely.  Truth be told I do do most of the housework, cooking, etc., but stuff falls by the wayside for sure.  So DH does end up pitching in.  If my kids were in school all day, I'd have the time.  But if I am the school then well...I can't clean and school at the same time.  Well and actually if they were in school I'd be working because the thought of just keeping house all day sounds dreadfully boring.  So the house would really be a wreck.  And I'd be eating out a lot.  LOL 

[maize]

Ugh definitely. Truth be told I do do most of the housework, cooking, etc., but stuff falls by the wayside for sure. So DH does end up pitching in. If my kids were in school all day, I'd have the time. But if I am the school then well...I can't clean and school at the same time. Well and actually if they were in school I'd be working because the thought of just keeping house all day sounds dreadfully boring. So the house would really be a wreck. And I'd be eating out a lot. LOL

If my kids were all in school there would be a lot less mess making going on here at home!

[Laura Corin]

If my kids were all in school there would be a lot less mess making going on here at home!

 

Yes.  Managing the house is much easier now that the children are at school.

[SparklyUnicorn]

If my kids were all in school there would be a lot less mess making going on here at home!

 

Maybe here...LOL  The one good thing is they have areas where they can contain mess without me really having to look at it.  So the main areas aren't bad (usually).

 

I'd probably have to do a lot more laundry.  They wear the same thing for a couple of days or more and so do I because we don't get all that dirty just sitting around the house. 

[creekland]

Dh and I have been married for almost 16 years. I would have divorced him if he had expected me to slave over home and family without ever complaining all while "looking like lady."

 

So there's at least one divorce that DIDN'T happen *because* we have a modern rather than "traditional" marriage. :)

 

Wow, I totally forgot about that "looking like a lady" part.  I absolutely fail that one and have since I've been old enough to dress myself and play outside.

 

Fortunately, my guy tells me he's GLAD he doesn't have to wait for me to get ready for things, put on make up, etc, and he never has to buy me jewelry or cut flowers.  He likes that I'm (more or less) one of the guys - more comfortable in barn boots or hiking boots than I'd ever be in a shoe with a heel.

 

The only dress I even own is the one I bought for my son's wedding.  I have no intention of buying any others until my other guys get married.  Dresses just don't fit my lifestyle and/or I don't fit the lifestyle where dresses are needed.

 

Like you, we'd have been divorced long ago if any of that were expected.

[SparklyUnicorn]

say one person works 8h out of the home, and their spouse works 8h in the home - there are still 16h left in a 24h day & much of that time will involve parenting tasks or household tasks. Why should the person who was out for 8h be magically exempt from the tasks that are left? I don't get it.

 

I also note that Pink Elephant has indicated in other threads that she bottle fed and smacked babies during diaper changes. Breastfeeding and empathetic parenting sometimes is more time intensive. 

 

And lastly, I'm really sceptical of this sort of rose colored glasses nostalgia wrt parenting 'back then' (whenever that was, exactly). Mother's little helper is not just a song. Valium rx and addiction was an issue because many, many mothers (and fathers) were struggling.

 

Parenting.is.hard.

 

Uh yeah and the way I see it is my husband has a desk job.  It's not like he is out digging ditches or constructing houses.  So he can't tell me he had some sort of back breaking hellish day and is unable to move. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Oh crap...looking like a lady?  As I sit here in sweat pants and hooded sweat shirt with my hair in a pony tail.... I don't even own a dress, heals, or make up. 

 

I'm flunking left and right. 

[creekland]

Oh crap...looking like a lady?  As I sit here in sweat pants and hooded sweat shirt with my hair in a pony tail.... I don't even own a dress, heals, or make up. 

 

I'm flunking left and right. 

 

Jeans and an old fleece here.  Plus, all I've done today (housework-wise) has been laundry.

 

Otherwise, we went to church, took a nap, ate lunch, and went on a couple mile walk together.  Now he and youngest are out walking somewhere on our property (perhaps down to the creek) and I'm here on the computer.

 

Breakfast is always a fix what you want deal on Sunday mornings.  It's that way most other mornings too.  Supper is likely to be that tonight too.

 

It's a nice lazy Sunday!  A very, very nice lazy Sunday.  Who wants to be up doing housework or concerned about how they look?

[creekland]

ps  I sure don't feel tired or stressed!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I cooked breakfast and dinner, and did dishes (DH dried and put away).  That's all I've done really.  We played a lot of games today, and I goofed off on-line.  Now I'm goofing off some more and drinking cheap beer from a can.

 

I'm sure I'm painting a very lovely picture of myself.