help us with a discipline issue...we don't want to over react

[Plink]

First, I'd apologize.  Pretending not to know about an offense to elicit an "unprompted" apology is the same thing as lying, and IMHO it is manipulative and mean.  Deception is deception pure and simple.  

 

Second, I'd ask them what rules they broke.  Then listen with an open mind, and see what they believe.  Do they mention that they used media unsupervised?  Guilted their sister?  Used someone else's property without asking?   Do they see the full extent of their deception and do they understand the house rules the same way I do?  (I'm often guilty of thinking that my kids should understand something, but finding out later that they don't - ex. I telling my son that he can't paint before company arrives and then getting mad because he got filthy in the garage - he thought I wanted to keep the house tidy, and I thought that saying no to paint implied keeping his clothes clean)

 

Third, I'd find out how many days they used dad's iPod, and have them help him for double that amount of time doing something like chopping wood or turning over the garden.  I'm a big believer in heavy exercise as the cure for boredom & misbehavior.

[MomatHWTK]

I think it is a natural reaction to at least consider deception in order to avoid consequences.  It is one most of us try to resist.  But then again, lots of adults engage in "little lies" to avoid the consequences of hurting someone's feelings or having to drive the speed limit, etc.  Most families set their own standards.  Some lie whenever it suits their needs, others put a premium on honesty at all cost, with many falling in between. 

 

In the described circumstance, the children had two forces pulling in favor of lying- protecting one another and not receiving consequences.  Being put on the spot and having to decide whether to go with the lie or truth they went with lying.  Not a big surprise.  I think there's some parenting book out there that mentions if you don't want your children to lie to you, don't set them up to do so.  You say "I know you did X" not "Did you do X."  You are just setting yourself up for disappointment and the child then knows not to trust you as your questions may be a set up for further punishment.

 

WWID? I might forget sometimes and go ahead and set the kids up to lie, but hopefully I would remember the above admonition before going to the extremes of creating a full ruse designed just to trap them.    That's an awful lot of work and the actual desired character lesson gets lots in the drama.

 

 

Having created the situation, now the OP is stuck with it.  She has children who broke a rule and children who lied to cover their misdeed.

 

For the rule breaking I would say, "You know that's not allowed. This (whatever) is your punishment. Don't do it again."

For the lying, I would have a discussion about how lying to avoid consequences is more harmful than facing the consequences and defines who they are as a person.  We would discuss over time the impact of a single lie and how difficult it is to manage life once one becomes a liar.  Once you decide a lie is ok you must constantly determine which new lies are ok.  Your ethical line becomes a constantly moving target.  Pick a spot, draw your line and stick with it. 

 

I would also apologize for putting the children in an impossible situation where they had to make important and mature ethical decisions on the spot.  I would promise not to set them up for failure again, and work on preparing them better to face such decisions in the future.  A good foundation can always be relied upon.

 

 

ETA: With regard to restrictions placed on children.  I think it is important to be reasonable in order to maintain credibility as a parent and life teacher.  I think of the Biblical admonition not to provoke one's children.  If they think I am so "uptight" that they discount me altogether, then I don't have the opportunity to teach them my values. 

 

[LucyStoner]

I grew up with two friends whose parents limited sugar so much while tying it to rewards and shame that they were both compulsive over sugar eaters as soon as they were out of their parents' house. Similarly my parents limited TV heavily. In particular I recall my younger sibling wanting to watch The Fresh Prince of BelAir. This was banned for being immoral. OMG, when he moved out he watched the reruns of that show until we were all totally unable to get the theme song out of our heads. It was that, and 7th Heaven. Both of these things are seared into my brain. He'd watch them over and over.

 

I think it is fine to have a no electronics home but by ages 10 and 12, I do think there are better ways to prevent kids from seeing inappropriate web content than a flat out ban.

 

You asked if people really don't have things in their house that only the adults use. Honestly, I really don't. Aside from say, an insta-teA brewer and other things wholly inappropriate for kids (kept tucked away out of sight/reach), I don't have things in my home that my kids don't also have access to in the right context. Want to use the tools to make something or play on the sewing machine? Sure, but you do it with age appropriate supervision and your access is dependent on your care of the items.

[PeterPan]

nt

[umsami]

DH does not want the kids ever touching his iPhone, iPad, or computer.  Ever.  He has OCD and can't stand the thought of things being changed/touched/etc. by people who don't care about the details as much as him.  If a kid moved an app or something, it would bother him for days.  No, it's not normal, but it is what it is.

 

For me, I can't imagine not sharing something I have.  So, the kids have access to my iPad, kindle, the Wii, and sometimes my computer (not as much as they would like :)).  But there are definite limits.  There are no guarantees that they'll get to use any electronic device on a specific day.  Usually, they can have some time if their rooms are cleaned, homework is done, and attitude/behavior is good.   All of our devices are shared...so four kids need to take turns.  Devices should be used in pubic.  They know what I consider appropriate, and know to ask.  In many ways, they self-monitor or monitor themselves...so if they see DS3 loading an app or Netflix video (even on kids) which is not designed for a 4 year old, they try and steer him to another app/video.    Taking away iPad time is a very effective consequence for bad behavior. :)  Many of their friends have multiple devices which they do not have to share.  Still, my kids seem to respect/be happy with the restrictions we have....perhaps because they know if it was up to their father, they wouldn't have access to any electronics.

[MomOfABunch]

I don't understand why OP is getting such a backlash here. Clearly, she "caught" them so that they wouldn't know their sister told on them, thus preserving trust between the siblings. She "caught" them so the issue could be dealt with without affecting the sibling relationships.

 

Why OP has the rules she does about electronics is irrelevant. The issues here are taking without permission and lying and should be handled as such. Our opinions and feelings about electronic usage are also irrelevant. If OP had said her boys were sneaking a toy or something else instead an iPod, what would your response be?

[SKL]

AND, for the record....my husband doesn't use his i pod for games...it came with a few apps that he never thought to take off...he uses it mostly as a MP3 player.

 

Why not delete the games then?

 

I have deleted games when I didn't have the discipline to stop playing them.  As an adult.  Multiple times.

 

You can't expect kids to be completely resistant to temptation.  At some level it is not fair to unnecessarily tempt them knowing they are weak, and then punish them for something that doesn't actually hurt anyone.

 

[SKL]

For the record, I don't let my kids play with my iphone except in rare circumstances.  Too much at stake if they decide to get creative.  They aren't even supposed to look at my computer while I'm working on it, let alone use it without express permission.  (I might have issues.)  But sometimes they try to sneak and do it.  When that happens, I don't treat it like a big deal.  I reaffirm the rule and take the item away.  It is natural for kids to want to push buttons.  When my kids were tots, there was only one rule my eldest didn't embrace immediately and completely:  the "don't push buttons" rule.  I gave up on it.  :P

[umsami]

Why OP has the rules she does about electronics is irrelevant. The issues here are taking without permission and lying and should be handled as such. Our opinions and feelings about electronic usage are also irrelevant. If OP had said her boys were sneaking a toy or something else instead an iPod, what would your response be?

 

Disagree.  You may think that her rules are irrelevant, but often discipline issues occur because parents' expectations are unrealistic.  There are parents who punish two year olds for having accidents.  If I know of a parent who does that, I'm not going to respect their rule, I'm going to tell them that they're being unrealistic for that child's age and development stage.

 

Most of the Moms posting here do have rules on electronics...that may or may not be different from the OPs.  Many Moms have already parented kids who are her children's ages or have lived with over restrictive parenting rules, and are sharing their experiences.

 

The OP can always choose to ignore.  However, she came her for help, so people are trying to help. It wasn't a JAWM (Just Agree With Me) thread.  One of the ways she may be overreacting is her actual rules, and that's what people are trying to point out.

[PeterPan]

nt 

 

[Okra]

Wow! This thread certainly took a crazy turn.  

 

To OP, I certainly think that restricting electronics is a healthy thing.  It is really hard to know how to parent when you find your child sneaking around.  Sometimes we all just have to muddle through and do what we think is best.  

 

Hugs to you, I hate hard parenting decisions.

 

 

[cave canem]

I don't see the sneaky angle on the part of the parents.  The parents didn't do anything out of the ordinary except make an effort to actually view the infraction themselves rather than relying on the word of their daughter.  I don't see how at all how this teaches children to violate electronics limits or take the property of another. 

[Farrar]

I don't understand why OP is getting such a backlash here. Clearly, she "caught" them so that they wouldn't know their sister told on them, thus preserving trust between the siblings. She "caught" them so the issue could be dealt with without affecting the sibling relationships.

 

Why OP has the rules she does about electronics is irrelevant. The issues here are taking without permission and lying and should be handled as such. Our opinions and feelings about electronic usage are also irrelevant. If OP had said her boys were sneaking a toy or something else instead an iPod, what would your response be?

 

I don't think it was a backlash. It sounded to me like she felt uncomfortable about electronics and had really strict limits and we all said, well, maybe reconsider that and think about different limits. I don't think any of us feel she was doing a "bad" job as a parent or anything. It's good to have limits and as kids get older we have to re-evaluate them. Strongly seconding what Umsami said about how getting kids to "obey" often means having realistic rules. My response would have been exactly the same if the OP had come on here and said they had a toy that the kids weren't allowed to use very often. I would have said, gee, maybe there should be a consequence for the sneaking around, but then maybe you should re-evaluate how much they get to play with the toy.

[Plateau Mama]

Why not delete the games then?

I have deleted games when I didn't have the discipline to stop playing them.  As an adult.  Multiple times.

 .

 

  or they could put a passcode on the device. Seems like the simplest solution to me.

I don't see the sneaky angle on the part of the parents.  The parents didn't do anything out of the ordinary except make an effort to actually view the infraction themselves rather than relying on the word of their daughter.  I don't see how at all how this teaches children to violate electronics limits or take the property of another.

 

The sneaky aspect was they decided her husband would come home early and find the device missing. Why didn't they just ask the kids "hey, have you been using my iPod?" There are several ways to tell if someone has been using an iPod, but I won't get into that. Just come straight out and ask the kid. The OP wasn't really honest with the kid, and they are surprised when the kid isn't honest back.

 

I had a similar situation recently. I went to my daughter and said "Why are you doing XYZ." and then I kept my mouth shut till she answered. I gave her her punishment and told her what would happen if this occurred again.

 

I feel that as a parent if we should never trick our kids into a confession if we already know the answer. Just tell them you know and deal with it.

[Rebecca]

Is there any way you could share any of those articles/research? Private message or another thread? Thank you!

This is the biggest issue for me. The husband has a fun toy that he gets to play. If you want the children to have ZERO electronics, the husband needs to give up his toys (cell phones included) because it is creating a "do as I say, not as I do" issue. We had to face that issue.

 

We were a ZERO electronics family and I was completely against getting our son an xbox until a dear friend pointed out that children who only get to watch TV, watch passively compared with playing video games like Minecraft, etc.. A few of the studies she gave me showed that lot of the games I was against were actually proving limited use to be good for children because of the cognitive benefits (logic to determine the next actions, etc.). Plus it is fun to play video games.

It is all about the balance in our family.

 

Our son works hard in school, does his chores, is in the water 16-17 hours a weeks (becoming an elite athlete in two sports), enjoys reading, and gets to play xbox on the weekends when he is home. Since he has xbox live, it also gives him some social time with friends around town that he rarely gets to talk to because of his sports.

[katilac]

 

The idea of removing all tempations is ridiculous.  There are tempations all around and if kids aren't going to learn how to NOT give into tempations at home, when are they going to learn this? 

 

I agree that the idea of removing all temptations is ridiculous. But there's certainly nothing wrong with limiting temptation, especially for something that is a weak point for the person in question. I'm a grown person, and there's a reason I don't buy the candy until the day before Halloween  :lol:

 

More importantly, you think that electronics/internet usage is dangerous (based on comments here and the other thread). If a parent thinks something is dangerous, they need to protect their kids from it as best they can. 

 

Almost everyone does their best to keep alluring but dangerous household items out of the reach of toddlers, yes? By the age of 6 or so, most of us relax our guard a bit, because the majority of first-graders understand that gummi vitamins and colored laundry pods are not candy. But, if you have a kid who knows this but still finds it very hard to resist popping pretty things in his mouth, you continue to lock them up, even if he 'should' know better. 

 

It's too dangerous to do otherwise, and putting forbidden things in your mouth is slightly unusual but still within the realm of normal for that age group. Likewise, being unable to resist electronics is very much in the realm of normal for your sons' age group (and not a bit unusual). 

 

If you honestly think certain types of electronics use are dangerous for them, rather than simply undesirable, then yes, it is on you to make every reasonable effort to keep them safe. You don't refuse to use a passcode or take the device with you because they 'should' be able to resist temptation. 

 

As far as what I would do - I would consider this particular incident to be over and done with. I'd add pass codes and such, and start working on a long-term plan to teach safe and responsible usage of electronics and the internet. 

[Farrar]

I feel that as a parent if we should never trick our kids into a confession if we already know the answer. Just tell them you know and deal with it.

 

I totally agree with this. I think if it's important to the parents to allow the kids to confess first, you can still say something like, "Some things have come to light. Do you want to tell me anything about ___ in your own words now?" Which gives the kids the chance to own up. But then if they don't then I would just say. Okay, here's what I know.

[Reefgazer]

The obvious punishment would be no electronics at all for a period of time that you deem fair, and removing electronic devices from their access (either via a passcode they don't know or physically removing the devices from their reach).

[SKL]

Yesterday I found out that my 8yo daughter snuck a cough drop from a drawer and had it in her mouth during her piano lesson.

 

She has a history of sneaking candy.  But that was supposedly "over."  However, whenever there is a lot of candy around (Halloween aftermath) she struggles again.

 

I found out because I heard the piano teacher say, "you aren't supposed to eat candy during your lesson."

 

So ... what did I do?  I asked her what she had been eating during the lesson, and then I told her not to do that again (disrespectful to the teacher) and not to sneak candy.  The end.

 

I am 100% certain that making a big deal out of it would have only caused more problems.  She needs to be able to trust me [to react rationally].  My need to trust her is secondary to her need to trust me.  (I have made mistakes along these lines in the past.)

[Guest 2ndgradeNewbie]

Honestly, if you're going to be so strict about electronics, you shouldn't keep them in the house. Your dh should take the ipod with him when he goes out.

My dd is not allowed to use knives or the stove without supervision. Should I take those with me when I leave the house too? Or just not have them in the house at all?

 

Also the next time I get a speeding ticket. I will tell the officer the speed limit is unfair and I do not agree with it. Thus it must be changed and he can take his ticket and shove it. Then I will proceed to Target and steal all those tempting electronics they have on display. I mean they should not just have them out enticing me if I can't have them, right?

[katilac]

My dd is not allowed to use knives or the stove without supervision. Should I take those with me when I leave the house too? Or just not have them in the house at all?

 

Most children don't find sharp knives and hot stoves to be a difficult-to-resist temptation. 

 

If a very young child does, then yes, you should try to reduce temptation with a pantry lock and a stove guard and heavy supervision. If a somewhat older child is unable to resist the temptation to use them when you leave the house, then she is not ready to be left home alone.

 

I have always found it simplest to leave the knives and the stove at home and take the child with me when I leave the house. 

[*Lulu*]

The above is just silly.

 

Most families go through teething troubles re discipline and electronics at some stage.

 

Personally, I tend to listen to the advice of those who have sorted out boundaries around these issues, resulting in kids who don't sneak around and who understand and co-operate with reasonable limits.

 

Of course, you're also free to compare these solutions to going knifeless, but it seems kind of pointless.

 

You should know this made me smile.

 

Best.pun.of.the.day.

[Luanne]

I am baffled by the responses of "if you want to limit their electronics time to get the stuff out of the house".  What if the issue was the children sneaking alcohol.  Why does it seem to be in some of your households that if the adults can do it, the children automatically should be able to?  There are things adults can do that children shouldn't.  Children are NOT adults.

[Farrar]

I am baffled by the responses of "if you want to limit their electronics time to get the stuff out of the house".  What if the issue was the children sneaking alcohol.  Why does it seem to be in some of your households that if the adults can do it, the children automatically should be able to?  There are things adults can do that children shouldn't.  Children are NOT adults.

 

I agree with this, but I also think if adults sit around playing around on the internet or social media or playing online games while the kids have strict limits then that's genuinely a double standard of behavior that will feel deeply unfair and make it much harder to get everyone following the rules. Ditto to many other things, like, say, adults getting to eat treats while kids cannot. Things like alcohol and driving and, um, using knives I guess, are different because they're all tied to safety.

 

Not that that's what the OP's situation sounded like. Sounds like they also weren't using the devices that much. I agree getting them out of the house would be silly.

[bettyandbob]

I am baffled by the responses of "if you want to limit their electronics time to get the stuff out of the house".  What if the issue was the children sneaking alcohol.  Why does it seem to be in some of your households that if the adults can do it, the children automatically should be able to?  There are things adults can do that children shouldn't.  Children are NOT adults.

 

People whose dc get into the liquor cabinet are advised to get all alcohol out of the house.

 

If my dc was sneaking alcohol, it would not be in my house at all. I use rum in cooking. I drink red wine for pleasure. I do not NEED these things. If I perceive they are a danger to a child because he/she is sneaking them, you better believe not one drop of alcohol would be in the house. Am I naive enough to believe dc would not be able to access alcohol elsewhere--No, but why make it easily accessible.

 

ETA: I don't think the OPs description rises to the level of how I view sneaking alcohol, but it seems that is how she perceives it.

[LucyStoner]

I am baffled by the responses of "if you want to limit their electronics time to get the stuff out of the house". What if the issue was the children sneaking alcohol. Why does it seem to be in some of your households that if the adults can do it, the children automatically should be able to? There are things adults can do that children shouldn't. Children are NOT adults.

If I had a child who struggled with alcohol you can bet your butt I'd stop keeping it at home. That very second. My child's health and safety is more important than my fondness for the occasional adult beverage.

 

Yes, there are things adults can do that kids can't but generally adults shouldn't be doing those things in front of kids either. I wouldn't for instance turn on a TV show that was just for me and my husband and then banish the kids from the room. If a child sees a parent with not only an iPod but also an iPad and the child knows there are games on those devices (designed for kids no less) and a child knows that most kids their age in their corner of the world have access to this type of thing these days, they are going to build up a lot of resentment that they are left out of something that is right.there.in.their.home. If you want a screen free home for your kids, it starts with mom and dad and how they choose to allocate their time and money.

 

My 11 year old has his own iPad (no games allowed, for writing and homeschool stuff) and his own log in to the computer (for both fun and school) and his own iPod. If I decided he shouldn't have those things I wouldn't be keeping mine out and available either.

[SKL]

Yeah, my daughter recently became very fascinated with matches.  Guess what?  The matches are out of the house.  She didn't even break a rule, but I'm not going to wait and see if that happens.  The stakes are high.

 

I also removed all candy during one time period.  A lot less "dangerous," but we needed to address addiction / hoarding etc.  It was important enough.

 

I would not remove a video game probably, but if I thought it was a big problem, yeah, I'd take it with me when I left the house.  Let the kids figure out something else to keep them busy and develop some better habits.

[goldberry]

What an odd thread...

 

I have had discussions with DD about what she needs to do if she disagrees with one of our rules and would like to argue for change.  She knows she can approach her dad and I and that we will listen to her and occasionally make a change if her request is reasonable. This has happened on multiple occasions and I know she trusts that.  She recently had a boy who wanted to text her even though his parents had told him "no texting girls".  She told the boy, "Just talk to them and explain the situation and your reasons..." It made us smile, because clearly she thought that all parents were as reasonable as us...um, nope. 

 

That said, she recently got into some trouble for texting/emailing after 9 o'clock, which is a rule we have so she gets some sleep.  She received a consequence for that.  (Nothing big, no texting/emailing for a couple of days).  Then after explaining the consequence, I asked her, do you want to discuss the rule and why you think you can't abide by it? I did that to remind her that we have a process for that and she needs to honor it.   We came to the agreement after the discussion that she would still have the rule on school nights, but not on weekends if she didn't have to get up early the next day.  I checked her phone/email the next week to double check that she returned to abiding by the rule, and she was.  Problem solved.

 

So, I guess my opinion on the OPs situation is that yes, you need to address the fact that they broke your rule and that was not right.  Then, separately address whether the rule was reasonable, and whether you are flexible enough for them to trust that you will listen to them if they have something valid to say.  Two separate issues though, the way I see it.  

 

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

Actually, pretty much. The only thing I can think of that the kids were not allowed to use were the power saws. Other tools they could use with supervision. Same as the kitchen knives etc.

 

Gadgets & toys are everyone's. Even long ago when we only had one old flip cell phone, the kids still each got to play with it & play the stupid x & o game on it. There was no gadget that I or dh had that the kids weren't allowed to use.

 

As far as certain films or books, when my kids were too young for them, those items would be consumed by the adults when the kids were asleep or out of the house. They would never see us doing those things so they wouldn't be coveting them or feeling left out.  We stopped playing video games for years because we didn't want the kids playing them when they were young. Once they got to an age where we were comfortable with them playing, then we all started up again but first it was T games only & only after our youngest got a bit older, did we start having some M games in the house.

 

We always let our children have small taste of alcohol &/or watered down wine. All food in the house is divided & everyone gets their share unless they want to give it up. I give up my shares of cakes & cookies for example.

 

Bed & wake times had more to do with biology & needs for sleep than adult privilege.

 

I'm trying hard to think of what privileges I have:

-paying taxes

-paying bills

-working

-making family decisions about housing, location, children's education, health etc.

-generally more freedom to make certain 'big' decisions

The only thing I can think of that I couldn't resist but wouldn't let my children have(when they were young) was watching Big Bang Theory mainly because I laughed constantly and didn't want to have to explain why to a six year old. Otherwise

 

Parents sneak around to get boys to confess to sneaking around about electronics. Parents wish to discipline boys for sneaking around.

 

It's crazy behaviour. If parents want boys not to sneak around re electronics, be upfront. honest and flexible about it.

 

Maybe then the kids will learn to be upfront, honest and flexible too.

 

This whole business of holding our kids to different standards than we hold ourselves to - particularly but not only around electronics - is not only hypocritical, but counter productive.

 

Why doesn't Dad make a time to share the ipod with his boys ? All sit down together for a half hour on the weekend and play some fun games ? Use the ipod as a tool for bonding, not a tool for division ? Why does parenting have to be so...ugh...punitive ?

 

You set kids up to sneak around, don't be surprised when they sneak around.

 

We don't have private parent electronics. Electronics are for sharing in this house. It fosters respect and co-operation.

:iagree:

I try my very best to never knowingly lie to my children, I also respect them enough that I always believe them.  This has worked really well, the few times they have lied (peeking at Christmas presents, breaking a glass figurine) they felt so bad because I trusted them that they later told on themselves.  Lying or using subterfuge will only create distrust.  The older sister IMO should never have told on bro's but if doing so (for principle?) then she needs to be able to accept the backlash from brothers.  They are teaching the sister a very bad habit IMO. 

 

I grew up with two friends whose parents limited sugar so much while tying it to rewards and shame that they were both compulsive over sugar eaters as soon as they were out of their parents' house. Similarly my parents limited TV heavily. In particular I recall my younger sibling wanting to watch The Fresh Prince of BelAir. This was banned for being immoral. OMG, when he moved out he watched the reruns of that show until we were all totally unable to get the theme song out of our heads. It was that, and 7th Heaven. Both of these things are seared into my brain. He'd watch them over and over.

 

I think it is fine to have a no electronics home but by ages 10 and 12, I do think there are better ways to prevent kids from seeing inappropriate web content than a flat out ban.

 

You asked if people really don't have things in their house that only the adults use. Honestly, I really don't. Aside from say, an insta-teA brewer and other things wholly inappropriate for kids (kept tucked away out of sight/reach), I don't have things in my home that my kids don't also have access to in the right context. Want to use the tools to make something or play on the sewing machine? Sure, but you do it with age appropriate supervision and your access is dependent on your care of the items.

:iagree:  

My DC  each have computers and x-boxes they have free use of tablets and phones, they eat the same things I do, there are no "treats" in our house. Nothing is held back, nothing is forbidden (except for  insta-teA brewer and other things wholly inappropriate for kids  :lol: ) . When they were little and would ask after Halloween "how many pieces of candy can I have" I always turned it around to "how many do you think you should have?"  The first night was always a bit excessive, but there after they would limit themselves to 2-3 pieces. We ended up throwing out the leftovers around thanksgiving. This is how we handle just about everything, self-moderation. 

 

 

I don't think it was a backlash. It sounded to me like she felt uncomfortable about electronics and had really strict limits and we all said, well, maybe reconsider that and think about different limits. I don't think any of us feel she was doing a "bad" job as a parent or anything. It's good to have limits and as kids get older we have to re-evaluate them. Strongly seconding what Umsami said about how getting kids to "obey" often means having realistic rules. My response would have been exactly the same if the OP had come on here and said they had a toy that the kids weren't allowed to use very often. I would have said, gee, maybe there should be a consequence for the sneaking around, but then maybe you should re-evaluate how much they get to play with the toy.

:iagree: Like LucyStoners brother and OP's children I was one of those kids who was limited, when I got out on my own I excessively imbibed  in every thing I had been denied and then some.  So I do feel the need to give a BTDT  kind of advice, to possibly help OP and others from making the same mistakes my parents made (and they've realized and admitted to those mistakes).  The path I've traveled has been rocky, if I'd had any experience or knowledge of the world outside my door, if I'd learned to "experience" life without becoming figuratively drunk on it I would have had a much happier and less destructive time getting to the pretty wonderful place I am today.

[MomatHWTK]

FWIW, Dh and I do watch TV shows the kids aren't allowed to see.  They have their own Netflix profile and we have ours.  We also eat foods they aren't allowed to have. But they have been used to the food issue since birth b/c our oldest had/has a long string of food allergies.  I'm not sure I could keep them away from electronics though.  We don't limit those so it's not an issue. 

 

I think that regardless of what you choose to allow or not, the relationship between parent and child is key.  Do they respect your authority out of fear of consequences or out of a belief that you truly are looking out for their best interests? Do they know they can trust you to care for them at all costs or are they uncertain of your love?  Having a good relationship isn't a guarantee that kids will do the "right" thing, but it is a good start. 

 

Clearly defined and shared, values, mutual respect, reasonable consequences and fully expressed love.  (That's my plan anyway- we'll see how it all works out in another 20 years or so.)

 

 

[kiwik]

I had the same problem with ds7 the other day. In his case he has addictive tendencies. I did make him do without it for several days then I put a lock code on it. It is my responsibility as a parent to support his developing self control by not exposing him to unreasonable temptations. When he was 3 I didn't leave marker pens within reach because he seemed to be irristably drawn to write on things, scissors for a similar reason were out of reach. Now he can control that one I keep them in easy reach. I keep matches out of sight so he is not tempted. One day I will be able to take the code off the tablet but not yet. Ds5 doesn't have the same inability to resist temptation so I am less careful with him.

 

You don't have to remove all temptation but it is unfair to set a child or anyone else up to fail and then punish them for it. It is also unfair to lie to them and then get upset when they lie back. And yes life isn't fair but you should try to make it as fair as you can rather than add up the unfairness.

[Alessandra]

Another thought for OP. Were dc actually playing a game? Or could they have been using Internet, FaceTime, etc? Do you have wifi? My attitude would be pretty different if they were using social media in an inappropriate or dangerous way versus playing an innocent game. Even kids who are restricted from electronics may have more skills than parents realize.

[rocassie]

I would punish for the break in trust/lying.  Something like extra chores and having electronic time taken away for a week or so.  Then I would have a discussion about changing the household electronic usage.  Get the kids in on the discussion and make a new plan together that everyone is satisfied.  Maybe they can have more time (all at once or broken into two parts during the day), but in a common area.  

[Aelwydd]

OP, whatever manner of rules and discipline you have elected for your family, I certainly hope you've enforced them by now. This thread is a few days old. If your kids are still waiting for sentencing, that is just not cool. I'm sometimes unsure about how to react to my ds's infractions, but I do not wait more than a day, at the most, to let him know what the consequences will be. To keep kids waiting and waiting...that kind of stress is negative, IMO.