Multigenerational households and holiday traditions

[BarbecueMom]

This is our second Christmas since my mom moved in, and I'm not sure we handled meshing holiday traditions very well last year. I don't want to be the "my house, my rules" kind of person, but our "traditions" are pretty loose and based on what works for us in this season of small, messy children who are home more often than not. With a toddler this year, we may have to make some more changes that are quite opposite of what she has always done, and what I think she expected me to do with my own family.

 

So some of these questions may seem crazy, but she does not like change and Christmas traditions are extremely important to her. I don't think she realized until last year how much we had deviated from her way of doing things, and she was quite disappointed (which culminated in a dinner table meltdown on Christmas Eve).

 

Anyway, how do you decide when to put the tree up? One puts it up on the weekend after Thanksgiving every year, other wants to wait as long as possible to keep the toddler from pulling it over. When does the tree have to come down? On Christmas Day or wait until it's convenient (weekend or whatever)?

 

Who decides how much decoration to display? Does it matter if only one person does the cleaning and spends all day keeping the kids from not touching things that aren't play-worthy?

 

Who decides when the stockings go up?

 

When the grocery budget and kitchen/fridge space are limited, do you cut down on the cookie baking or not? Do you make only what will be eaten or given away, or enough to display (then throw out) on Christmas Eve? Does it make a difference if dietary restrictions make the ingredients far more expensive (no gluten baking in the house)?

 

Can the kids read The Night Before Christmas before the night before Christmas, or does it have to wait?

 

How do you handle inappropriate children's gifts? (not normally a problem here, just something I thought might be in other houses)

 

I know these seem like ridiculous pointless things, but they all added up and caused a bit of stress last year. I wonder if I'm being too stubborn by refusing to hide books and such from my excited kids.

 

Just curious how other multigenerational households handle this, especially when it's a parent that moved in, not the other way around.

[regentrude]

I am not currently in the situation, but grew up in a  multigenerational household.

 

I would say the parents make all decisions that involve and affect the children. What books the kids read when is clearly an issue for the parents, not for grandma. What decorations are child safe, ditto.

 

The person who does the most work gets the say in time consuming tasks. My grandmother was the baker of the family; so all decisions regarding baking were hers to make. (There is not such thing as no room for cookies ;-) They can be stored in stacked tins in bedroom closets.

 

Private rooms are decorated at the occupant's will. What my grandmother did in her room was her choice alone. In public areas, you have the say; it is, after all, still your house, and you need to make it workable for you and the children. Practical trumps tradition.

 

On big common things, I would try to negotiate compromise: when the tree goes up. What time presents are done.

 

When the tree comes down? That is decided by the  person who does the job. If somebody insists to do so the day after Christmas, fine - but the person should do the entire task and box and put everything away, not nag *me*.

 

[FaithManor]

Clapping for Regentrude! My thoughts exactly. :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

[Arcadia]

When my in-laws were here, my MIL loves to cook so she does all the celebratory/festive food. What we did was to pay what we could afford at that time and my in-laws just paid for extras they want like Guinness stout for FIL.

 

When my paternal grandma stayed with my parents, we just do it her way as it was easy enough with me being the only child at that time. She was all along really set in her ways though.

 

My maternal grandpa lets my aunt whom he stays with full time have full say in her home. My grandpa is the pampering kind though and would just let us grandkids do what we prefer.

 

My paternal grandpa died before I was born, my maternal grandma died when I was a toddler.

 

For presents we tell relatives to stick to Legos if possible. That help a lot since its hard to get inappropriate Legos.

[Starr]

I think you need to be clear up front on what *you* can manage with young children in the house.  :grouphug:  

[Anne]

Maybe you could sit down with your mom Now over a cup of tea and have some discussions?   Especially if things went badly last year.  You could say something like, Mom, I really don't want us to repeat last year, let's decide now how we're going to handle things.  Probably it would be a good idea to know what your dh's non-negotiables are, as well as make sure you've thought through your own non-negotiables.  Finding things your mom does well and likes to do, which you could get excited about her doing might help also.

 

Anne

[BarbecueMom]

I am not currently in the situation, but grew up in a multigenerational household.

 

I would say the parents make all decisions that involve and affect the children. What books the kids read when is clearly an issue for the parents, not for grandma. What decorations are child safe, ditto.

 

The person who does the most work gets the say in time consuming tasks. My grandmother was the baker of the family; so all decisions regarding baking were hers to make. (There is not such thing as no room for cookies ;-) They can be stored in stacked tins in bedroom closets.

 

Private rooms are decorated at the occupant's will. What my grandmother did in her room was her choice alone. In public areas, you have the say; it is, after all, still your house, and you need to make it workable for you and the children. Practical trumps tradition.

 

On big common things, I would try to negotiate compromise: when the tree goes up. What time presents are done.

 

When the tree comes down? That is decided by the person who does the job. If somebody insists to do so the day after Christmas, fine - but the person should do the entire task and box and put everything away, not nag *me*.

This is pretty much exactly what we did last year. I guess we'll see if the adjustment is easier this year. I think things like the kids not reading The Night Before Christmas immediately before bed on Christmas Eve or not all the gluten-free cookies not lasting until Christmas were surprising to her. I think she established all these traditions so we would carry them on, but what worked for a working single parent with two widely spaced children doesn't work for two parents (one who was raised with different traditions) with three little kids who are home all day long. I can't spend all day picking up shattered ornaments and stuffed bears!

[Anne]

Another thought that may or may not be useful:  When our kids were little, we put our tree on a table one year, and another year, we put it IN a playpen....

 

:-)

[AK_Mom4]

I remember those years - when our Christmas tree lived in a play pen and some toys just "disappeared" after the frantic opening on Christmas morning. Definitely no glass ornaments here!

 

Compromise on what you where it doesn't matter. Stick to your guns on the things that are important - safety for toddlers and gluten free zones. Enlist the relatives to help you think of A Better Way when traditions collide.

[BarbecueMom]

Another thought that may or may not be useful: When our kids were little, we put our tree on a table one year, and another year, we put it IN a playpen....

 

:-)

Yeah, we have one of those six-sided play yard things, specifically used to keep the older boys out of the tree when they were tiny. I'm not sure it will be a good deterrent though, since he climbed over the gate at the bottom of the stairs two days ago. He's 15 months.

[Chris in VA]

I think it's good she had the meltdown, actually--or, rather, good can come from it.

 

I can imagine saying something to her, just like a PP said, over a cuppa--

 

"Mom, I can't believe it's almost Christmas season already! Listen, I know last year was hard for you. I could tell there were certain traditions you really wanted to keep, and you seemed really disappointed that we had to change things a bit. How can we make this year better for everyone? What's the tradition that really means the most to you?

(Pause)

(Say she says something about decorations) --

"Well, I love the decorations, too! (agree) It makes everything feel so festive (empathize). I'm worried (I statement expression own emotion) that the kids will get hurt by the glass ornaments (for example), and it does make me feel (feeling statement) anxious. I also don't like (state your preference) saying no to them all the time and I get tired having to redirect them away from touching the things we put up. How can we compromise? (get a buy in from her to help find a solution)"

 

Just talking it thru could make things easier. Last year was probably extra-hard because she didn't have the control that comes from being in one's own home. And you needed to accomodate her somewhat.

 

Remember the love you have for each other, and go in grace and kindness from there, I guess. :grouphug:

[Farrar]

Some of these things seem really petty, honestly. But I know Christmas traditions can bring out that sort of thing...

 

I agree with Regentrude's post, but I guess I would also try to approach it by looking for ways to involve her in creating new traditions or giving in on little things. So, like with The Night Before Christmas... I'd maybe hide it if it's important to her that it be saved. Or instead, I'd see if maybe she'd like to have a tradition of picking a special new book that's only read on Christmas Eve. Having the stockings and the tree up for the toddler to decimate is no good, but maybe having a few special stuffed animals out or putting window gels up or getting garlands and hanging them above the kids' reach or something would help make a compromise.

 

Not in a multigenerational household, but I am grateful that my mother, who has very strong Christmas traditions, is also extremely adaptable about them.

[LifeLovePassion]

Not a multi generational household, but when our girls were young, I only put lights and unbreakable ornaments on the tree and they could rearrange them all they wanted. I bought a couple of packs cheaply and kept their special ornaments packed away until they were past that stage.

[MinivanMom]

This is pretty much exactly what we did last year. I guess we'll see if the adjustment is easier this year. I think things like the kids not reading The Night Before Christmas immediately before bed on Christmas Eve or not all the gluten-free cookies not lasting until Christmas were surprising to her. I think she established all these traditions so we would carry them on, but what worked for a working single parent with two widely spaced children doesn't work for two parents (one who was raised with different traditions) with three little kids who are home all day long. I can't spend all day picking up shattered ornaments and stuffed bears!

 

I think this is the main issue. Did she not realize that her children would grow up and marry someone with different traditions? Did she expect that her future son-in-law would just drop all the traditions from his childhood in order to accommodate your traditions? When you marry, you are creating a new family. It is natural and right that you and your husband would blend the best of your traditions to create something new.

 

If I were in your place, that is the conversation I would be having. "Mom I loved a, b, and c traditions from my childhood, which is why dh and I have chosen to continue doing them with our children. But dear mil did x, y, and z tradition differently when dh was a child. Those traditions meant so much to him that we wanted to continue doing them with our children as well. I know both you and mil may be disappointed that we don't do things exactly the way either one of you did, but I'm so glad that we can both continue traditions from our childhood with the children."

 

[Lisbeth]

My house, my kids, my traditions (ie, the traditions dh and I have decided to adopt.) I would put it nicely, but firmly. A grownup should not be having meltdowns.

[Cera]

This is our second Christmas since my mom moved in, and I'm not sure we handled meshing holiday traditions very well last year. I don't want to be the "my house, my rules" kind of person, but our "traditions" are pretty loose and based on what works for us in this season of small, messy children who are home more often than not. With a toddler this year, we may have to make some more changes that are quite opposite of what she has always done, and what I think she expected me to do with my own family.

 

So some of these questions may seem crazy, but she does not like change and Christmas traditions are extremely important to her. I don't think she realized until last year how much we had deviated from her way of doing things, and she was quite disappointed (which culminated in a dinner table meltdown on Christmas Eve).

 

Anyway, how do you decide when to put the tree up? One puts it up on the weekend after Thanksgiving every year, other wants to wait as long as possible to keep the toddler from pulling it over. When does the tree have to come down? On Christmas Day or wait until it's convenient (weekend or whatever)?

 

We do the weekend after thanksgiving.  Decorate the bottom three feet with things that the toddler can't break and wait to put wrapped presents under it until later.

 

Who decides how much decoration to display? Does it matter if only one person does the cleaning and spends all day keeping the kids from not touching things that aren't play-worthy?

 

Breakable decorations go up high.  Keep a few things the kids can play with (nutcrackers, those light and noise stuffed things) down.  The one who wants a ton of decorations has to help with the cleaning if they are going to be out,

 

Who decides when the stockings go up?

 

Ours go up when we decorate the house but it doesn't seem like it would matter much.  Whoever cares more should win this one I guess.

 

When the grocery budget and kitchen/fridge space are limited, do you cut down on the cookie baking or not? Do you make only what will be eaten or given away, or enough to display (then throw out) on Christmas Eve? Does it make a difference if dietary restrictions make the ingredients far more expensive (no gluten baking in the house)?

 

I would probably make a few to display if it is a special tradition but not too many (maybe a dozen)

 

Can the kids read The Night Before Christmas before the night before Christmas, or does it have to wait?

 

Can you pick a special version of the Night before Christmas to save and stick to other versions until the 24th

 

How do you handle inappropriate children's gifts? (not normally a problem here, just something I thought might be in other houses)

 

I know these seem like ridiculous pointless things, but they all added up and caused a bit of stress last year. I wonder if I'm being too stubborn by refusing to hide books and such from my excited kids.

 

Just curious how other multigenerational households handle this, especially when it's a parent that moved in, not the other way around.

 

This sounds incredibly challenging.  Maybe everyone in the house (kids included) could sit down and make a top 3 or top 5 list of what is important to them to celebrate the christmas season.  Then you could work to incorporate things that would fill everyone's needs.

[gardenmom5]

I did have a climber (she climbed everything. we joked that girl could have been a tightrope walker. she wasn't going to fall.).  the year she turned one (when she had no restraint about what she climbed) - dh found a very bushy noble fir.  not sure even a cat could have climbed it.

 

even with toddlers - I put the tree up after thanksgiving - and it comes down whenever.  sometimes into January . . . (real ones were down by new years.)

 

my rule for toddlers was no glass ornaments under four feet.  (I had an 11' ft tree for a number of years.)  I also didn't put any gifts out until after they went to bed on Christmas eve.

 

you could also try a spruce this year - to grab the needles can be very prickly - and will be a big discouragement for a toddler.

 

or a live tree - which will have a much heavier base and hard to bring over (and the needles won't dry out as much.)  though warm it up more slowly by bringing it into a garage for a couple days before moving it into the house.

[gardenmom5]

one thing I got dudeling - which was a huge hit, was a playmobil nativity set. (I held back the smallest pieces) I got it just before he turned four - but he absolutely loved it.  he was allowed to set it up on the coffee table in the living room and he'd play with it.  (I got extra sheep).  he left my ceramic one alone.

 

I also ended up buying a Christmas music box (on after Christmas clearance) that we loved - we were all sick of listening to it, but it kept him busy and out of trouble.  my mother had a revolving tree music box he loved.

 

fisher price little people also makes a toddler friendly nativity.

[Melinda in VT]

I think I need more information before I can say how I would handle it in your position. What was the motivation for forming a multi-gen household? Was it a necessity, or was it a choice? Are you providing your mother with a home without compensation, or does she contribute financially or otherwise (for example, by providing regular child care)? Does your mother have her own living space other than her bedroom? Or is the only non-bedroom space communal? Is your mother healthy and able to contribute to the holiday work?

 

My experience with multi-gen living was in a house that had a living room and a family room at opposite ends of the house. We had the front of the house, and my husband's grandparents had the back.

 

We decorated our half how and when we wanted to. They did the same for theirs. (They were not physically able to decorate or clean, but their children who lived in the area would come put up and take down the decorations usually. Sometimes we would do/help with that part, depending on our work schedules.) The decorations sometimes resulted in keeping the toddler out of their space more than usual, but that's why we had baby gates and doors.

 

I can't quite figure out what the issue is with the cookies. Is the problem that she likes to bake several different types and have a selection available on Christmas Eve? (As opposed to baking and eating the sugar cookies one week, the fudge the next, etc?) Is the problem that she does not have to be gluten free and she misses the traditional cookie recipes?

 

Would it be possible to put a dorm-size fridge in her living space, to help with cookie storage? Could she participate in a cookie exchange, so she could get variety without quantity? Is there an extended family member who could bless her with a cookie care package?

 

Again, it would help to understand whether your mom is capable of living on her own (and can therefore do the work associated with her traditions) or if she is living with you because she needs a caretaker (and therefore you would have to do all the holiday work).

 

Although I think the feelings and desires of everyone in the house should be considered during the holiday season, and attempts made to give everyone what is truly most important to them, I also think the mental, physical, and emotional needs of the caregiver are critical factors.

[Carrie12345]

For my family, it would definitely be a "my house, my way" situation.
FWIW, most of the things you listed seem more "way" than "tradition" to me.

 

I haven't lived with my mother for over 14 years (and have been raising children the whole time) so I honestly can't imagine making big changes that make my days a living hell through an extended holiday season!

[barnwife]

We are not a multigenerational household, but we often have my parents here on Christmas.

We are Catholic. We try to wait until the O Antiphons start (mid-December) to decorate for Christmas. This helps us keep our focus on Advent as long as possible. (I only hang up Christmas cards received before then). You could always try putting a gate around the tree. Or do what I've done since having a toddler (we have a 4 yo, 2 yo, and 1 yo). We use a cheap fake tree. It's only 5 or 6 feet. And I only put kid-safe ornaments on it. They drag that things around, rearrange ornaments, and generally think it's a great toy.

Would I love a beautiful, tall tree with all my meaningful ornaments? Sure, but this isn't the season of life for that for me. There is no way I am dealing with saying "no touching" or :"be gentle" a billion times a day. Life's too short for that imo. (My sister did that with her kiddos though, so to each their own).

Anyone is free to do as much/little decorating as they want. However, if it's in danger of being damaged/broken by kiddos, I'd feel free to move/take things down.

Stockings are decorations to me, so again they go up mid-December. 

I can't imagine not making lots of Christmas cookies. Okay, okay...with 3 littles I am only planning on 3 kinds this year. (That's down from 6 or 7 kinds of which I usually do about 5 dozen each.) We don't eat them until Christmas day. I am no help with this issue, I guess.

Wait, some people limit their kids reading Twas the Night Before Christmas? I've never heard of this. I can't wrap my mind around it. I am biased. My kiddos love it so much, that I kept a couple copies out after last Christmas. We've been reading it all year. I can't imagine the tears that would ensue if I said that they had to wait weeks to read it again!

Frankly, maybe the person who wants to wait to read it can do so. But others may read it. It's just reading it with that one person that'd be the tradition. Or maybe it's time to choose something else to read special on Christmas Eve. 

I think the posters who say it's time for a heart to heart discussion are right. 

 

[Elisabet1]

For me, the Christmas season would be awful without the tree up. I put it up the week of Thanksgiving. The ornaments change according to the age of the children. When I have little ones, homemade non-breakable ones will cover the lower half of the tree. As they get older, regular ones work their way one. We even found non-breakable balls for the tree, so that works well. If a toddler gets one and throws it, it just bounces.

 

The rest I do not have an opinion on. We have so many books around here, I feel lucky when the Christmas books make it out by Easter and the Easter books get read at Christmas. I have really really tried to make this better, by rotating the books and such, but it happens. 

 

Really, I am the kind of person who could never live in a multigenerational household. If I did, I would think I would be the kind of person who could compromise too. The only thing I really could not compromise on is being told what books I can and cannot read to the children and not having a tree up. I think the more books read the better, so I cannot imagine withholding one.

[hornblower]

When the kids were little, we tied our tree to the wall, and put breakable ornaments up high. Anything they could reach, they were welcome to touch & play with & redecorate. The tree looked different each day.  The cat was welcome too - she loved rolling in the needles that fell off.

(the only issue with the tree we ever had was a maremma I was fostering was convinced I had put indoor plumbing in for him. He'd try to water that tree every morning. I had to race him to the living room - the dork. LOL)

I think you need to find a way to strike some balance. Think of your kids first, make it as magical as you can for them - you're making their memories; make them good ones.

But also I'd feel bad for your mom. I think sometimes, some older folks get so obnoxious because they're just panicking that their time is up & maybe they didn't get to do all the stuff they wanted & they desperately wish they could have a do-over. Try to indulge them too, as much as you can.  Let her pick some traditions, maybe suggest something new that you could plan/do together.... (&  keep whatever beverage soothes her & you flowing! LOL)

[QueenCat]

Since your mother is a member of your household, and not merely a guest, she should have a "say" in what happens but that "say" should be based on mutual understandings and discussions, and compromise. The "my house, my rules" mindset is not one that I understand but it sounds like the OP doesn't have that mindset either. It is the mom's house too, so she should absolutely have some say in it. I think that since the OP wants to make it work, that is half the battle.

[BarbecueMom]

Thanks all for the input. She does have two of the bedrooms, one to sleep and one for an office/TV room, that she can decorate however she wants. And she goes to a relative's house to bake plenty of gluten cookies.

 

There was an expression of disappointment a month or so ago when I decluttered my own Christmas decorations so I could make room for school stuff in those cabinets. When I was growing up, we never threw out any Christmas decoration, even if it was broken and never made it out of the box that year. I had a trash bag of things that were broken or we just didn't enjoy (white elephant gift type stuff), and she seemed a bit offended, I guess.

 

It's just the culmination of all the things I personally do different that must have been hard to get used to - the real tree, the toy nativity (actually bought for me after I knocked over and decapitated Joseph), stockings as part of the decor, baking half batches of GF cookies instead of full ones, not switching out all the glassware for Christmas ones, leaving the tree up until we have time to deal with it. There's no argument over any of it, just a look of surprise and disappointment. I do get tired of being called Scrooge more and more leading up to the holiday, because I don't have or want Christmas hand towels or whatever.

 

And because of my health issues and all the kids, I get grumpy when something makes me have to work more. Example, she made chicken the other night for dinner. Used a wet paper towel to wipe up the chicken juice off the counter, then wiped down the rest of the counter with that towel. Instead of a night off cooking, I had to sanitize the kitchen. A common bacterial infection that many little kids get and handle fine landed me in the hospital recently. I have to re-clean, I can't afford not to. Counters and tables full of holiday junk make that cleaning a lot harder!

 

She never married and never had to mesh traditions with someone. Her brother did marry, but I think he's even worse about it! He threw a fit when we had to start spending some holidays with my in-laws instead of with them. There's some sort of anxiety-driven desire for nothing to ever change on that side of the family. It's odd.

 

As far as the living arrangement, it was necessary. Theoretically, she could live on her own, but finances and the state of the residence begin to fall apart without our constant intervention. This is actually easier on everyone.

 

I didn't want to vent and that's what happened. Oh well.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:  to you and your mom.  At almost 40 years old I am pretty set in my ways.  If and when we end up with a parent living with us it will be very difficult for me.  Dh and I have never lived close to family until we bought our current house.  It is difficult for me, we live a few miles from his parents.  We do travel for his work a lot of the year but the times at home are difficult for me.  Partly it is me, partly it is dh and partly it is my IL's. :grouphug: