Wedding guest list dilemma

[PrairieSong]

Our daughter is getting married in May and they are having engagement photos taken in a couple weeks. She wants to send out Save the Date cards by November 1st, so we've been working on a guest list. She is our first child getting married. We have lived here a long long time and know a ton of people, especially from our church. We can't invite them all. Obviously there are some very close family friends we are definitely inviting, but others...I'd like to invite but as the circle gets wider it gets harder to know where to draw the line.

 

How did you decide?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Whatever you do, if the bride and groom want a small wedding, don't pester them by saying "Oh but you have to add so and so." Some people will not be happy if forced to invite more people than they feel comfortable with.

 

DH and I ended up having the ceremony the week before the reception, after we had already sent out the invitations. We are private people and didn't feel comfortable marrying in front of aunts and uncles we barely see. So the ceremony had just our parents and siblings. My grandma was really angry about it (my mom told me years later), but the reason we changed it at the last minute is because we had been pressured to invite people we didn't want and even then, we only had about 60 people. At one point we considered eloping, so this was the compromise.

[Annie G]

Drawing the line on who to invite can be tricky. We decided how many people we wanted to have, and made the list that way.  We didn't divvy it up to where half were from our side and half from groom's side, either. We listed all 'close relatives' and even though our side had far fewer than his side had, that was that and then we started with friends- each side got to invite a certain number of friends, which we also divided up into groups- friends of the parents, college friends of the bride and groom, etc. It was pretty complicated sounding but was really easy to implement. 

 

As for save the date cards, we ONLY sent those to family and really close friends- friends we REALLY wanted to be there.  That sounds mean, but honestly, the casual friends really weren't going to 'save the date' 6 months away but family members needed time to plan and schedule things and close family friends wanted to be sure they didn't double book themselves. 

 

 

[bettyandbob]

I had 80 people at my wedding. I did not send save the date cards. I think save the date came into vogue about 10 or 15 years after I got married. I don't think they help that much. Honestly, when I see a save the date I sometimes feel like it screams "plan your life around me, me , me!" Which I find annoying, selfish and rude, even though I know that is not the intent. Just my own weird perception I guess.

 

I would tell very close family and important others (best man, maid of honor). That saves you from having to following through with inviting people even if you realize what you want or can afford has changed during planning.

[Anne in CA]

I agree that Save the Date cards should just be for people you would be upset if they could not attend. As someone who has worked hundreds of wedding over the years I can assure you that RSVP's do not mean as much as you may think. People will RSVP and not attend, November will be cold and flu season, so you will have more people RSVP who don't attend than normal if there is something going around, but since that is not a big vacation time you will have people decide to attend simply because they can, so keep that in mind.

 

When dd's bestie got married they had about forty extra people at their June wedding. It was pouring rain and I think people canceled their outdoor plans and just turned up. I have never seen anything like that in my life, honestly. Usually it is that people do not come, even after the RSVP yes. Most weddings I have done are light 20-50 people.

[PrairieSong]

Whatever you do, if the bride and groom want a small wedding, don't pester them by saying "Oh but you have to add so and so." Some people will not be happy if forced to invite more people than they feel comfortable with.

 

DH and I ended up having the ceremony the week before the reception, after we had already sent out the invitations. We are private people and didn't feel comfortable marrying in front of aunts and uncles we barely see. So the ceremony had just our parents and siblings. My grandma was really angry about it (my mom told me years later), but the reason we changed it at the last minute is because we had been pressured to invite people we didn't want and even then, we only had about 60 people. At one point we considered eloping, so this was the compromise.

No, I wouldn't want to pressure dd and her fiancé. They don't want a small wedding. Still, we can't invite everyone we know. Her older sister (who is not engaged or even dating) stated that she would prefer a small wedding, so when the time comes she and her fiancé will make that decision. I would definitely honor that.

[vonfirmath]

Our daughter is getting married in May and they are having engagement photos taken in a couple weeks. She wants to send out Save the Date cards by November 1st, so we've been working on a guest list. She is our first child getting married. We have lived here a long long time and know a ton of people, especially from our church. We can't invite them all. Obviously there are some very close family friends we are definitely inviting, but others...I'd like to invite but as the circle gets wider it gets harder to know where to draw the line.

 

How did you decide?

 

Send the Save the Date cards to the people you KNOW you want there. Particularly folk who live farther away. And spend more time working on the rest.

[Ellie]

Our daughter is getting married in May and they are having engagement photos taken in a couple weeks. She wants to send out Save the Date cards by November 1st, so we've been working on a guest list. She is our first child getting married. We have lived here a long long time and know a ton of people, especially from our church. We can't invite them all. Obviously there are some very close family friends we are definitely inviting, but others...I'd like to invite but as the circle gets wider it gets harder to know where to draw the line.

 

How did you decide?

 

Just a comment about "Save the Date." :-)

 

Save the Date cards don't require any response from the recipients. I was not invited to a wedding because I didn't reply to the Save the Date card. Personally, I would save the money and use it elsewhere, but that's just me. :-)

 

As far as how many names on the guest list, I'd need to know two things: Where will the wedding itself be held, and where will the reception be held? You don't have to invite everyone to both things. There's not a thing wrong with inviting people to the wedding but not to the reception. You do this by using a traditional, formal invitation to the wedding, and having invitations to the reception printed separately and sent only to some people.

 

My favorite resource for wedding planning is Judith Martin's Miss Manners books (she has one just for weddings).

[Loowit]

For my wedding I had my mom and my MIL give me a list of names and addresses of friends and family that they wanted to invite.  It wasn't what I would consider huge, but DH's side definately had a lot more friends, but less family than mine.  We chose to have a laid back church wedding.  We put an open invitation into the church bulliten at both my parent's church (where we were getting married) and the church DH and I were attending at the time.  In the end I think we had around 150-200 people attend, but I am not really sure.  We had a very simple cake and punch reception afterward in the fellowship room of the church builidng.  We were able to estimate how many people we invited and would attend and just bought a cake that was big enough.

 

If we had had to narrow down our guest list, I guess we would have started with cutting out open invites to the church people and people that were really only friends of our parents which DH and I didn't really know.  There were a number of those on my IL's side.  Then if we still needed the pare down, I would have gone through the list and narrowed it down even more.  Maybe cutting really extended family like great aunts/uncles, 2nd or 3rd cousins, etc.  Although that would have greatly upset my grandmother.

[hornblower]

I think weddings should be about the couple & their support network, not about the parents of the couple.
I lean heavily towards small, intimate weddings. Less money, less fuss, less headaches.
People who are friends of the parents only get an invite if they're also significant figures in the couple's life.  So friends of my parents whom I'd also socialize with, or seek out for advice, or who had helped me in some way - they got invites to my wedding but not just people with whom I'd occasionally socialized with AT my parents's home... see the difference?
For my kids, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they didn't marry at all, but if they do, I really hope it's a small event. It's what I would encourage them to do.

[Stellalarella]

I"ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of invitations we've received to weddings.  

 

If you want to have a wedding with smaller group of people, I think that the easiest way to make the cutoff would be to invite only those people that the couple called to say, "WE JUST GOT ENGAGED!"  

 

I wonder if the Save the Date phenom is just an opportunity to create one more fun wedding thing--and a way to mail out one of those fabulous engagement photos.  

[JumpyTheFrog]

Why would the parents of an engaged couple want to invite their friends and coworkers? I don't understand the idea. (I'm talking about friends that aren't also friends with either the bride or groom.)

[PrairieSong]

Just a comment about "Save the Date." :-)

 

Save the Date cards don't require any response from the recipients. I was not invited to a wedding because I didn't reply to the Save the Date card. Personally, I would save the money and use it elsewhere, but that's just me. :-)

 

As far as how many names on the guest list, I'd need to know two things: Where will the wedding itself be held, and where will the reception be held? You don't have to invite everyone to both things. There's not a thing wrong with inviting people to the wedding but not to the reception. You do this by using a traditional, formal invitation to the wedding, and having invitations to the reception printed separately and sent only to some people.

 

My favorite resource for wedding planning is Judith Martin's Miss Manners books (she has one just for weddings).

I understand about Save the Dates not being necessary, and tend to agree with a previous poster who said they sort of scream "look at us" but I get them all the time now and am sort of used to them. I never suggested to dd that she send them. It was her idea. I may suggest to her the possibility of not sending them.

 

The wedding will be in a large Catholic Church and the reception will be in the church hall, which is also very large. Space is not a problem.

 

And about inviting people to the wedding but not the reception, I have read in various places that that is considered rude. Plus, guests will be just walking down a hallway to the reception. If we did not invite everyone to the reception, those only invited to the wedding would surely see other guests going to the reception hall. Not a good scenario and not something we ever considered.

[PrairieSong]

Why would the parents of an engaged couple want to invite their friends and coworkers? I don't understand the idea. (I'm talking about friends that aren't also friends with either the bride or groom.)

It is about the bride and groom, but it's also a family celebration. The close family friends I was talking about know us and all our kids. The whole family are our friends. It's not just my personal friends who don't know my daughter and vice versa.

[Rebel Yell]

Only send "save the date" cards to very close people that you know will attend, especially if they will have to travel a great distance.

 

How to narrow the guest list?

1. Set your budget.

2. find a few reception venues- divide your reception food budget by the cost per guest- if the result is equal to or less than the seating capacity of the venue, you have your magic number of guests you can invite.

3. Work backwards from there- start with bride/groom/wedding party/parents siblings and spouses. Stop when you hit room capacity.

 

Advice from my wedding: don't invite co-workers.  Actually, I didn't, but they informed me they were closing the salon early to attend my wedding and I couldn't think of a nice way to say "What the heck for?  You aren't invited" So I was guilted into inviting almost a dozen people, including dates!  Also, just because you invite the one second-cousin that you are friends with doesn't mean you have to invite every second cousin, their kids, and their dates.

 

 

[PrairieSong]

If we had had to narrow down our guest list, I guess we would have started with cutting out open invites to the church people and people that were really only friends of our parents which DH and I didn't really know. There were a number of those on my IL's side. Then if we still needed the pare down, I would have gone through the list and narrowed it down even more. Maybe cutting really extended family like great aunts/uncles, 2nd or 3rd cousins, etc. Although that would have greatly upset my grandmother.

Wow, we aren't issuing any open invites to any parishes, and we're not inviting any second cousins. The great aunts and uncles (aunts and uncles of dh and me) are all deceased. It's all aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents, etc., and then friends. There are many friends.

[PrairieSong]

Only send "save the date" cards to very close people that you know will attend, especially if they will have to travel a great distance.

 

How to narrow the guest list?

1. Set your budget.

2. find a few reception venues- divide your reception food budget by the cost per guest- if the result is equal to or less than the seating capacity of the venue, you have your magic number of guests you can invite.

3. Work backwards from there- start with bride/groom/wedding party/parents siblings and spouses. Stop when you hit room capacity.

 

Advice from my wedding: don't invite co-workers. Actually, I didn't, but they informed me they were closing the salon early to attend my wedding and I couldn't think of a nice way to say "What the heck for? You aren't invited" So I was guilted into inviting almost a dozen people, including dates! Also, just because you invite the one second-cousin that you are friends with doesn't mean you have to invite every second cousin, their kids, and their dates.

Hmm, well, dd teaches at a Catholic elementary school and it is tradition to throw a staff bridal shower or baby shower for every teacher and invite the whole staff. They have already informed her that they are doing this. So what to do? Dd hadn't originally planned on inviting forty extra people. She said she was probably going to send an invitation to Staff of X School and they could put it up in the teacher's lounge. Is that tacky?? She wasn't planning on inviting the whole school initially...until the bridal shower issue came up.

[bettyandbob]

Hmm, well, dd teaches at a Catholic elementary school and it is tradition to throw a staff bridal shower or baby shower for every teacher and invite the whole staff. They have already informed her that they are doing this. So what to do? Dd hadn't originally planned on inviting forty extra people. She said she was probably going to send an invitation to Staff of X School and they could put it up in the teacher's lounge. Is that tacky?? She wasn't planning on inviting the whole school initially...until the bridal shower issue came up.

I think this is different than a friend throwing a showier and inviting people. I think work places often throw showers. It's a fun community thing to do at work. I faint think most coworkers think it means they are on the wedding invite list.

[kroe1]

Your budget should be your guide for everything including a guest list. Your guest list is most expensive part of most weddings.

 

Use some basic predictions:

 

Out of towners have a 50 to 60% chance of coming.

Locals have about a 60 to 80% chance of coming.

 

Next, consider the cost of each guest:

 

1. Favors. $5

2. Chair covers, napkin decor. $10-15

3. Cake and dessert. $10

4. Invitations $2 (remember to multiply by total sent, not cutting by percentages given above.)

5. Finger foods $10-20

6. Plated dinners. $50 to $100

7. Thank you cards $2

8. Punch, sodas $5

9. Additional venue costs if the size increases.

 

Out of towners also should have a cost for rehearsal dinner, but that is traditionally groom's cost.

 

There are obviously, all the fixed costs like the wedding dress, preacher and church fees, groom's present, etc. that one can tweak and try to save on. But, the big savings comes from limiting the guest list and/or costs per guest.

 

So, if there is no way to limit a guest list here are some other cost saving ideas.

 

1. My personal favorite is a destination wedding. That can cut costs drastically, because most people will not come. Only your very closest loved ones will fork out the money to attend. No long lost Aunt Sally will show up at that one. Plus, these are always fun and exotic for your guests. It is the wedding everyone will remember and talk about until death. I saved a ton by having my own wedding at. Disney World.

 

2. Have an intimate ceremony, and then have a musical celebration for the couple a few days later. No food needed, just have some friends and talented church members put on a variety show of entertainment and a few speeches for the couple. I went to one of these recently and it was awesome! It was the church's musical director getting married, however, so he had tons of available talent.

 

3. Pot lucks are gaining favor. I personally think they are tacky, but it is impossible for me to cook something tasty. I would much rather attend a potluck, knowing the newlyweds can buy a house soon, rather than see them or their parents go in debt. I went to a potluck of sorts at a farm in Indiana. Only the locals brought food and it was the freshest, best food I have ever eaten in my life. I will probably never get the opportunity to eat vegetables that were picked the same or day before they were cooked again. Anyone going to a farm wedding who needs a bagman, please let me know.

 

I do think it is super tacky to invite guests to a ceremony without inviting them to the reception. I have seen only a few invited to a ceremony, but all invited to the reception before. But, I have never seen the opposite. Are you sure you read that book right, Ellie? My etiquette books all say that is the epitome of no nos.

 

At any rate, keep us posted. We love wedding planning!

[vonfirmath]

I"ve been thinking about this a lot lately because of invitations we've received to weddings.  

 

If you want to have a wedding with smaller group of people, I think that the easiest way to make the cutoff would be to invite only those people that the couple called to say, "WE JUST GOT ENGAGED!"  

 

I wonder if the Save the Date phenom is just an opportunity to create one more fun wedding thing--and a way to mail out one of those fabulous engagement photos.  

 

I know our relatives that lived far enough away appreciated the Save the Dates we sent so they could make plans and airplane flights while still cheap.

[kewb]

Can I take a moment and say how much I hate save the date announcements. Waste of money. Seriously, they go right in the garbage. If I am close enough to get invited then surely someone let me know the date long before that card came so I can make travel arrangements. Pet peeve rant over.

 

We sat down with our families who were footing the bill and worked out the budget. We decided on immediate family as far as first cousins. We also did not invite any children (please no endless discussion on how dh and I do not understand the amazingness of kids at a wedding and how awful we are). Once family was taken care of the rest of the spots were filled with our friends and then our parents friends.

[simplemom]

I vote for sending Save the Date cards to the list of people the couple really wants to have at the wedding (not people they feel obligated to invite by virtue of relation, church membership, or being in the same social group)......people like the church members that they knew well growing up, know personally outside of just the 2 minute "shake hands with the person next to you" time at church, the friends that they would be really bummed to miss the wedding if those friends didn't know the date and accidentally planned their vacation that w/e instead (not the friends who they could care less about missing the wedding for a football game), and the relatives that they know personally beyond just distant relative funerals. Kind of like a VIP list for the couple. One friend who tried to narrow down her invite list, sat down with her fiancé and thought about the people that have been actively involved in their personal lives and those they expect to be actively involved with personally in the future. That took multiple people from the large church social group, coworkers, distant relatives, etc.... off their list.

 

Although I am not sure if this is proper etiquette, it should be fine to send a limited number of Save the Date cards to a select few, then later decide to widen the guest list. It is fine to get a wedding invitation and not a Save the Date, especially for more distant relatives, church members, friends, or coworkers who are moreso just friendly acquaintances vs. close friends. 2nd cousin John from Nowhere, MT who the bride met at a family reunion, great aunt Betsy who knitted a baby blanket at the bride's birth but never was involved in the immediate family's life since, and Deacon Smith's wife who is always ready with a friendly smile and handshake each Sunday may be offended if they find out others in the family or church received Save the Dates, but that is OKAY imho.

 

My second vote is for eloping and using the money saved for a nice honeymoon or a down payment on a house, lol.

[vonfirmath]

kewb: relying on word of mouth for Save the Dates leads to awkwardness -- what if someone is forgotten (which usually looks like people assuming someone else told them). What if someone hears about the wedding but isn't sure they will be invited?

 

If you get a Save the Date, you know you are On The List and can make arrangements based on that.

 

[kewb]

kewb: relying on word of mouth for Save the Dates leads to awkwardness -- what if someone is forgotten (which usually looks like people assuming someone else told them). What if someone hears about the wedding but isn't sure they will be invited?

 

If you get a Save the Date, you know you are On The List and can make arrangements based on that.

You raise a good point. I had not thought of that angle.

[displace]

I went to a bridal shower for a coworker. I had no thought I'd be invited. I just wanted to wish her well. Maybe the coworkers aren't expecting to be invited either.

 

Personally I would either set a budget first and then decide how many to invite, or decide how many to invite and tailor the wedding to fit the budget.

 

If they want small (50 people or less?), then they will stick to immediate family/best friends for example.

 

We only had immediate family who could travel and closest friends who could travel.

[Halftime Hope]

Ha!  We got a Save the Date but no wedding invitation.  I think that the invitation was scrapped when one member of the couple realized that one of my children had been a former flame of the other member of the couple.  I was scratching my head there for awhile, but it seems to have taken care of itself.

 

 

[PrairieSong]

Your budget should be your guide for everything including a guest list. Your guest list is most expensive part of most weddings.

 

Use some basic predictions:

 

Out of towners have a 50 to 60% chance of coming.

Locals have about a 60 to 80% chance of coming.

 

Next, consider the cost of each guest:

 

1. Favors. $5

2. Chair covers, napkin decor. $10-15

3. Cake and dessert. $10

4. Invitations $2 (remember to multiply by total sent, not cutting by percentages given above.)

5. Finger foods $10-20

6. Plated dinners. $50 to $100

7. Thank you cards $2

8. Punch, sodas $5

9. Additional venue costs if the size increases.

 

Out of towners also should have a cost for rehearsal dinner, but that is traditionally groom's cost.

 

There are obviously, all the fixed costs like the wedding dress, preacher and church fees, groom's present, etc. that one can tweak and try to save on. But, the big savings comes from limiting the guest list and/or costs per guest.

 

So, if there is no way to limit a guest list here are some other cost saving ideas.

 

1. My personal favorite is a destination wedding. That can cut costs drastically, because most people will not come. Only your very closest loved ones will fork out the money to attend. No long lost Aunt Sally will show up at that one. Plus, these are always fun and exotic for your guests. It is the wedding everyone will remember and talk about until death. I saved a ton by having my own wedding at. Disney World.

 

2. Have an intimate ceremony, and then have a musical celebration for the couple a few days later. No food needed, just have some friends and talented church members put on a variety show of entertainment and a few speeches for the couple. I went to one of these recently and it was awesome! It was the church's musical director getting married, however, so he had tons of available talent.

 

3. Pot lucks are gaining favor. I personally think they are tacky, but it is impossible for me to cook something tasty. I would much rather attend a potluck, knowing the newlyweds can buy a house soon, rather than see them or their parents go in debt. I went to a potluck of sorts at a farm in Indiana. Only the locals brought food and it was the freshest, best food I have ever eaten in my life. I will probably never get the opportunity to eat vegetables that were picked the same or day before they were cooked again. Anyone going to a farm wedding who needs a bagman, please let me know.

 

I do think it is super tacky to invite guests to a ceremony without inviting them to the reception. I have seen only a few invited to a ceremony, but all invited to the reception before. But, I have never seen the opposite. Are you sure you read that book right, Ellie? My etiquette books all say that is the epitome of no nos.

 

At any rate, keep us posted. We love wedding planning!

I will keep you posted, but I seriously doubt we will be spending those kind of prices per guest. Favors? No. Probably candies on the table or something. Chair covers? Doubtful. Napkins? If she wants cloth I'll borrow from the altar society or make my own on my serger. I can't imagine anyone drinking $5 worth of punch, especially if we buy ingredients and have a family friend make it. $2 per thank you card?? Don't think so. We are having a buffet dinner catered by a friend (we've eaten his food many times) and no way will it be near $50 per person. Not even close. $10 per person for cake??? So if we have 250 there we have to spend $2500 on cake?? Not happening.

 

We live in a lower cost of living area. Maybe you are quoting prices from another part of the country.

[PrairieSong]

Another Q..is it considered proper to have an email for RSVP's instead of response cards? I've seen that done quite a few times and I honestly didn't mind at all sending off a quick email.

[Ellie]

I understand about Save the Dates not being necessary, and tend to agree with a previous poster who said they sort of scream "look at us" but I get them all the time now and am sort of used to them. I never suggested to dd that she send them. It was her idea. I may suggest to her the possibility of not sending them.

 

The wedding will be in a large Catholic Church and the reception will be in the church hall, which is also very large. Space is not a problem.

 

And about inviting people to the wedding but not the reception, I have read in various places that that is considered rude. Plus, guests will be just walking down a hallway to the reception. If we did not invite everyone to the reception, those only invited to the wedding would surely see other guests going to the reception hall. Not a good scenario and not something we ever considered.

 

I understood that you did not suggest the Save the Date cards. :-)

 

It has always been acceptable to invite some people only to the reception or only to the wedding. People who say otherwise are not getting their information from the most reliable sources. :-)

 

Seems to me you would first invite immediate family members, then other relatives, then close friends, then friends, up to the number of people you can feed at the reception. :-)

[FaithManor]

It is their day. If they want a small wedding, you need to honor that. The guest list should be primarily their doing with a little input from both sets of parents, but it isn't really about the parents' friends hate to say. You have a right to limit their guest list to what you can afford to spend. So, think carefully about what you are going to do for food, place settings, beverages, wedding cake, decorations, etc.

 

I am a professional event planner so I did EVERYTHING for my daughter's wedding, even made all of the floral arrangements. I did hire a caterer, but I only had the main course and vegetables done by the caterer. My family did the fruit, beverages, and extra desserts. I got everything for the tables at discount, and we used our church fellowship hall for free. Prices have gone up A LOT. We budgeted $5500.00 including her dress and the rental of the church (she did not marry in our church due to the fact that the wedding was small and our sanctuary is HUGE, absolutely huge, and they do not maintain a chapel area for smaller ceremonies). My mil made the cream cheese mints and chocolates to make up little boxes of favors for the guests instead of purchasing any.

 

This is what we served. Shrimp cocktail, veggies and dip before the bride and groom arrived from having photos done. This was put out on the tables and maintained by my mom, MIL, and a dear friend from church. The main course - catered - was a buffet of lemon chicken, parmesan encrusted tilapia, roasted baby red potatoes, salad, green beans, bacon wrapped asparagus (in season so it wasn't that expensive), and rolls. Wedding cake, decorated cookies (which my sister made), candy, and pie (I did purchase them from the bakery, but a discount for ordering several) for dessert. We did rent china for the main meal, but I had enough glassware - vintage snack sets - for the shrimp cocktail and later for dessert that we didn't rent any extra. Dinner and salad plates, coffee cups and saucers, and goblets. It cost about double of providing decent party plates, hot beverage cups with cardboard sleeves, and all of the other plates. I found a place that was very cheap, got lucky!

 

We got the dress for $723.00 on clearance sale, and we spent in actuality about $6500.00 because prices just kept inflating from the time we started planning until we were done. It was beautiful, but again, I did everything. Most people have no idea what it would cost to outsource this to florists, wedding planners :D , and other vendors. In the end, it cost around $5700.00 (including all florals) for 75-80 guests. This past winter I coordinated a wedding for $125.00, and the arrangements were rented instead of purchased in order to save money. The meal was basic, and the only dessert was cupcakes. The conference room at the country club was $500.00, $1.00 each per chair, and nearly $36.00 per person for the meal and beverages. The cheapest caterer I know in the area runs $22.00 without beverages per person and it's plated to keep the costs down. I would not call the meal "generous". I don't like to recommend her because the serving sizes are quite stingy.

 

So, you need to decide what you can afford and then work from there. It is perfectly appropriate for you to draw a financial line in the sand for the couple to follow, and if they want more than that, they need to add their own money or look for ways to save money. Do stop to consider how many guests might be coming long distance. Guests who have a lot of driving to do or even an overnight thus costing them a lot to attend, should be treated to a decent meal. If you are doing a dessert and punch wedding reception (I highly recommend this for those that have a tight budget) build in an amount for having these folks back to your house for a meal even if it is frozen lasagnas, breadsticks, salad, and brownies later. Punch and cake receptions tend to break up after only a couple of hours - again perfectly acceptable - but if people are staying over night they'll appreciate a meal and some visiting time with friends and relatives.

 

Also consider rehearsal dinner, who is going to pay, how many need to attend. I have coordinated everything from fancy meals to pizza on paper plates while everyone sits around the yard enjoying each other's company informally. Figure that out up front. Rehearsals can be goofy enough without the angst of realizing last minute that you didn't advertise what you are doing and you have 25 people wondering what's for dinner!

 

Simple wedding cakes can run $2.50 a slice to $10.00 a slice. I've personally never seen a cake decorator that made anything that was better than sawdust and water create anything for less than $2.50 a slice, and that price is rather rare. Cupcakes tend to run $1.50 each if they are very nice looking. Now, if you have a bride and groom that hate cake or don't care, then you could cut that corner by either buying a simple cake from the Walmart bakery that says congratulations and has some simple flowers and trim, or ask your best friends to make cupcakes and bring them. I do not recommend people pay scads of money for elaborate cakes if that is not something the bride and groom care deeply about.

 

Photographers....that's another HUGE consideration. Many times fees run $250.00 - $500.00 and that usually will not entitle one to enlargements. I rarely see a professional photography bill less than $1000.00 for a few 8x10's, 5x7's, photobook, and such. One way to cut back on that is to hire a pro for just the ceremony and posed shots afterward submitting a list of exactly what shots you want at contract time, and then not paying for rehearsal or reception and just keeping your camera close for some candid shots of the party. A lot depends on how much the photos, in terms of formality and content, mean to you. I know some couples that this is paramount for - my niece. DD and hubby limited what they had done professionally, and then had my uncle - an excellent amateur photographer - do the reception. It worked out well for them.

 

At any rate, a total of $50.00 per guest when all is said and done would not be out of whack even with cutting corners. Remember that alcohol is expensive and beverage plans typically cover punch, water, coffee, and ice tea, NOT wine, champagne, or other alcohol.

 

Some other ideas - saving on florals - have the bride's bouquet be the only fresh flower bouquet. Go to Michael's and take a look. Their florals the past year have been wonderful and they've had very pretty, petite bouquets and floral picks that could easily just be wrapped with ribbon and for bridesmaids, corsages, etc. Ashland florals regularly go on sale 40-50% off and then of course you can go in there with the bride and all of her friends with 40% off coupons and everyone check out with an item.

 

Remember when serving hot items that cardboard party plates tend to collapse in the center when they warm up from the food. So, if you are serving warm, you need either chinette plates (really hard cardboard white plates sold for about 50 cents a piece depending on the region) or plastic plates. If you care about the look and do not like chinette nor do you want to pay for plastic or rent china, then definitely stick to finger foods, and cold items.

 

IF you have relatives and friends willing to do all of the cooking, man the kitchen, serve the food, and take care of the clean up so that you can spend some time in the reception, you could probably do it for less. I kind of wish we had hired everything in terms of food. My mom and I spent far too much time in the kitchen. I was washing china before the reception was over...long before. We had to be out by midnight (again, make sure you check on those policies) so I couldn't wait until later to start. I didn't pay the caterer for clean up because it added to the cost. She and her staff washed the items they used, packed up, and left.

The cheapest you can do is ceremony at the courthouse followed by backyard party. That is also wonderful. Again, though, it's going to depend on your family culture and what you are comfortable with doing. Some families would be pretty insulted by this and expect to be invited to something more robust.

 

I am actually in favor of destination weddings and elopement. The reason for this is that as I've embraced this event planning business, I've found that weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. I wish it were not so, but from bridesmaids that suddenly act like five year olds, groomsmen that suddenly revert to frat boy behavior, relatives that get snarky about every little thing (I was taken to task VERY LOUDLY at dd's reception because some relative of the groom thought I should have provide chicken nuggets and chocolate milk for their kids), etc., it saves a lot of emotional angst to head to some beach somewhere with the parents and a set of witnesses, and then enjoy the vacation than it does to feed a large crowd.

 

Also word to the wise, if you know your aunt has been diagnosed with dementia, explore what that means. My aunt was in MUCH worse shape than we thought and she created quite a scene at the reception. People were really nice about it, but had we known ahead of time, we would have arranged for one of my cousins to take her back to their house right after the cake was cut before she could get worn out!

 

A Save the Date is only necessary for out of town guests coming quite a distance who will need to rent cars, make flight plans, and rent hotels. Without a significant heads up, they can end up not being able to make financial plans to attend. You can do that formally, or just call them all and let them know which is nice too. I don't think you need to spend much. DH made dd and hubby's. Because they had guests coming from up to 1400 miles away, they decided to not only inform them by phone, but send them something that they could put up and keep. He's a whiz with Microsoft publisher and Paint.net, and came up with something nice for pennies compared to hiring that done. Don't spend a bundle. Don't send to everyone, and if you need to seriously limit the guest list and that means leaving off a lot of people who would have possibly expected to be invited, then whatever you do, keep talk about the wedding low key. If people ask, "We are having a small, intimate wedding." Leave it at that.

 

I hope that helps. PM me if you need some more ideas.

 

Punch recipe - Frozen orange juice from concentrate purchased ahead of time on sale - lemonade mix, and squirt. Easy, pretty, tastes nice. You can color it with packets of red Koolaid if you don't like the orange color. I don't recommend that though. Yes, it looks nice. BUT, it stains wedding gowns and dry clean only clothes something fierce. Sometimes it comes out; sometimes it does not.

[Ellie]

 

A Save the Date is only necessary for out of town guests coming quite a distance who will need to rent cars, make flight plans, and rent hotels. Without a significant heads up, they can end up not being able to make financial plans to attend. You can do that formally, or just call them all and let them know which is nice too.

 

But if these are people who would care enough to travel that far, surely there wouldn't be so many that you couldn't just call them on the phone and have the discussion, KWIM?

[FaithManor]

But if these are people who would care enough to travel that far, surely there wouldn't be so many that you couldn't just call them on the phone and have the discussion, KWIM?

I did say to go ahead and call them. I said it wasn't necessary to send save the date unless one wanted to do so. I said you could do it formally by sending something or informally by calling. I guess I should have said the phone call was necessary not a card. Some people do like to send them, but the phone call is more primary. However, in the case of some of my elderly relatives, hate to say it, but they needed something to put on the refrigerator. Short term memory being what it is, they would have forgotten we called.

 

 

 

[PrairieSong]

One thing I wonder about this thread is that is it ok that you are planning it? It may well be. But my mother had nothing to do with my wedding other than to help me pick out my dress. My husband and I had a budget that my parents gave us. ( It was small.) And we visited the photographers, cake etc and made the decision. I still remember the food guy we visited who turned up a nose at our budget and told us to leave... We just had cake. It was fun. He and I always enjoy finding the deals. But it was OUR wedding, not my mom's... Now your daughter's fiancé may not feel that way at all and may want the two of you to do this. Just make sure. I had a friend once who had to do everything her mom wanted regardless of what she wanted... It was sad.

I am not planning this by myself. Last night dd and her fiancé were here and she had a spiral notebook and my dh and I and the two of them started brainstorming a list of family. We will be adding to it. Yes, it's their wedding, definitely. It's just that we know so many people here that it's hard to know where to draw the line. Dd wants me to be in charge of making a list of names and addresses, so I will do that for her. It's not my final say, but dh and I do have input, just as our parents had input when we got married.

[PrairieSong]

FaithManor, THANK YOU for taking the time to write all that! Truly. I will read it in detail after dinner. I may be PMing you with questions.

 

It is their day. If they want a small wedding, you need to honor that. The guest list should be primarily their doing with a little input from both sets of parents, but it isn't really about the parents' friends hate to say. You have a right to limit their guest list to what you can afford to spend. So, think carefully about what you are going to do for food, place settings, beverages, wedding cake, decorations, etc.

 

I am a professional event planner so I did EVERYTHING for my daughter's wedding, even made all of the floral arrangements. I did hire a caterer, but I only had the main course and vegetables done by the caterer. My family did the fruit, beverages, and extra desserts. I got everything for the tables at discount, and we used our church fellowship hall for free. Prices have gone up A LOT. We budgeted $5500.00 including her dress and the rental of the church (she did not marry in our church due to the fact that the wedding was small and our sanctuary is HUGE, absolutely huge, and they do not maintain a chapel area for smaller ceremonies). My mil made the cream cheese mints and chocolates to make up little boxes of favors for the guests instead of purchasing any.

 

This is what we served. Shrimp cocktail, veggies and dip before the bride and groom arrived from having photos done. This was put out on the tables and maintained by my mom, MIL, and a dear friend from church. The main course - catered - was a buffet of lemon chicken, parmesan encrusted tilapia, roasted baby red potatoes, salad, green beans, bacon wrapped asparagus (in season so it wasn't that expensive), and rolls. Wedding cake, decorated cookies (which my sister made), candy, and pie (I did purchase them from the bakery, but a discount for ordering several) for dessert. We did rent china for the main meal, but I had enough glassware - vintage snack sets - for the shrimp cocktail and later for dessert that we didn't rent any extra. Dinner and salad plates, coffee cups and saucers, and goblets. It cost about double of providing decent party plates, hot beverage cups with cardboard sleeves, and all of the other plates. I found a place that was very cheap, got lucky!

 

We got the dress for $723.00 on clearance sale, and we spent in actuality about $6500.00 because prices just kept inflating from the time we started planning until we were done. It was beautiful, but again, I did everything. Most people have no idea what it would cost to outsource this to florists, wedding planners :D , and other vendors. In the end, it cost around $5700.00 (including all florals) for 75-80 guests. This past winter I coordinated a wedding for $125.00, and the arrangements were rented instead of purchased in order to save money. The meal was basic, and the only dessert was cupcakes. The conference room at the country club was $500.00, $1.00 each per chair, and nearly $36.00 per person for the meal and beverages. The cheapest caterer I know in the area runs $22.00 without beverages per person and it's plated to keep the costs down. I would not call the meal "generous". I don't like to recommend her because the serving sizes are quite stingy.

 

So, you need to decide what you can afford and then work from there. It is perfectly appropriate for you to draw a financial line in the sand for the couple to follow, and if they want more than that, they need to add their own money or look for ways to save money. Do stop to consider how many guests might be coming long distance. Guests who have a lot of driving to do or even an overnight thus costing them a lot to attend, should be treated to a decent meal. If you are doing a dessert and punch wedding reception (I highly recommend this for those that have a tight budget) build in an amount for having these folks back to your house for a meal even if it is frozen lasagnas, breadsticks, salad, and brownies later. Punch and cake receptions tend to break up after only a couple of hours - again perfectly acceptable - but if people are staying over night they'll appreciate a meal and some visiting time with friends and relatives.

 

Also consider rehearsal dinner, who is going to pay, how many need to attend. I have coordinated everything from fancy meals to pizza on paper plates while everyone sits around the yard enjoying each other's company informally. Figure that out up front. Rehearsals can be goofy enough without the angst of realizing last minute that you didn't advertise what you are doing and you have 25 people wondering what's for dinner!

 

Simple wedding cakes can run $2.50 a slice to $10.00 a slice. I've personally never seen a cake decorator that made anything that was better than sawdust and water create anything for less than $2.50 a slice, and that price is rather rare. Cupcakes tend to run $1.50 each if they are very nice looking. Now, if you have a bride and groom that hate cake or don't care, then you could cut that corner by either buying a simple cake from the Walmart bakery that says congratulations and has some simple flowers and trim, or ask your best friends to make cupcakes and bring them. I do not recommend people pay scads of money for elaborate cakes if that is not something the bride and groom care deeply about.

 

Photographers....that's another HUGE consideration. Many times fees run $250.00 - $500.00 and that usually will not entitle one to enlargements. I rarely see a professional photography bill less than $1000.00 for a few 8x10's, 5x7's, photobook, and such. One way to cut back on that is to hire a pro for just the ceremony and posed shots afterward submitting a list of exactly what shots you want at contract time, and then not paying for rehearsal or reception and just keeping your camera close for some candid shots of the party. A lot depends on how much the photos, in terms of formality and content, mean to you. I know some couples that this is paramount for - my niece. DD and hubby limited what they had done professionally, and then had my uncle - an excellent amateur photographer - do the reception. It worked out well for them.

 

At any rate, a total of $50.00 per guest when all is said and done would not be out of whack even with cutting corners. Remember that alcohol is expensive and beverage plans typically cover punch, water, coffee, and ice tea, NOT wine, champagne, or other alcohol.

 

Some other ideas - saving on florals - have the bride's bouquet be the only fresh flower bouquet. Go to Michael's and take a look. Their florals the past year have been wonderful and they've had very pretty, petite bouquets and floral picks that could easily just be wrapped with ribbon and for bridesmaids, corsages, etc. Ashland florals regularly go on sale 40-50% off and then of course you can go in there with the bride and all of her friends with 40% off coupons and everyone check out with an item.

 

Remember when serving hot items that cardboard party plates tend to collapse in the center when they warm up from the food. So, if you are serving warm, you need either chinette plates (really hard cardboard white plates sold for about 50 cents a piece depending on the region) or plastic plates. If you care about the look and do not like chinette nor do you want to pay for plastic or rent china, then definitely stick to finger foods, and cold items.

 

IF you have relatives and friends willing to do all of the cooking, man the kitchen, serve the food, and take care of the clean up so that you can spend some time in the reception, you could probably do it for less. I kind of wish we had hired everything in terms of food. My mom and I spent far too much time in the kitchen. I was washing china before the reception was over...long before. We had to be out by midnight (again, make sure you check on those policies) so I couldn't wait until later to start. I didn't pay the caterer for clean up because it added to the cost. She and her staff washed the items they used, packed up, and left.

 

The cheapest you can do is ceremony at the courthouse followed by backyard party. That is also wonderful. Again, though, it's going to depend on your family culture and what you are comfortable with doing. Some families would be pretty insulted by this and expect to be invited to something more robust.

 

I am actually in favor of destination weddings and elopement. The reason for this is that as I've embraced this event planning business, I've found that weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. I wish it were not so, but from bridesmaids that suddenly act like five year olds, groomsmen that suddenly revert to frat boy behavior, relatives that get snarky about every little thing (I was taken to task VERY LOUDLY at dd's reception because some relative of the groom thought I should have provide chicken nuggets and chocolate milk for their kids), etc., it saves a lot of emotional angst to head to some beach somewhere with the parents and a set of witnesses, and then enjoy the vacation than it does to feed a large crowd.

 

Also word to the wise, if you know your aunt has been diagnosed with dementia, explore what that means. My aunt was in MUCH worse shape than we thought and she created quite a scene at the reception. People were really nice about it, but had we known ahead of time, we would have arranged for one of my cousins to take her back to their house right after the cake was cut before she could get worn out!

 

A Save the Date is only necessary for out of town guests coming quite a distance who will need to rent cars, make flight plans, and rent hotels. Without a significant heads up, they can end up not being able to make financial plans to attend. You can do that formally, or just call them all and let them know which is nice too. I don't think you need to spend much. DH made dd and hubby's. Because they had guests coming from up to 1400 miles away, they decided to not only inform them by phone, but send them something that they could put up and keep. He's a whiz with Microsoft publisher and Paint.net, and came up with something nice for pennies compared to hiring that done. Don't spend a bundle. Don't send to everyone, and if you need to seriously limit the guest list and that means leaving off a lot of people who would have possibly expected to be invited, then whatever you do, keep talk about the wedding low key. If people ask, "We are having a small, intimate wedding." Leave it at that.

 

I hope that helps. PM me if you need some more ideas.

 

Punch recipe - Frozen orange juice from concentrate purchased ahead of time on sale - lemonade mix, and squirt. Easy, pretty, tastes nice. You can color it with packets of red Koolaid if you don't like the orange color. I don't recommend that though. Yes, it looks nice. BUT, it stains wedding gowns and dry clean only clothes something fierce. Sometimes it comes out; sometimes it does not.

[FaithManor]

FaithManor, THANK YOU for taking the time to write all that! Truly. I will read it in detail after dinner. I may be PMing you with questions.

 

Glad to help! Happy planning, feel free to ask.

[LucyStoner]

Hmm, well, dd teaches at a Catholic elementary school and it is tradition to throw a staff bridal shower or baby shower for every teacher and invite the whole staff. They have already informed her that they are doing this. So what to do? Dd hadn't originally planned on inviting forty extra people. She said she was probably going to send an invitation to Staff of X School and they could put it up in the teacher's lounge. Is that tacky?? She wasn't planning on inviting the whole school initially...until the bridal shower issue came up.

I don't think a workplace shower obligates her to invite all her co-workers.

[LibraryLover]

I love Save the Date cards! Awesome idea.

 

Who to invite? My wedding was a long time ago, but my in-laws pretty much knew everyone in town.  Lets just say it was a big wedding. I was shocked, but I had to do nothing so it worked out fine. My in-laws were upfront about the guest list, and told my parents they fully expected to pay for their guests. Seemed weird to me at first, but no skin off me. It was a nice wedding. And I miss my in-laws and their wonderful community.

[QueenCat]

 You don't have to invite everyone to both things. There's not a thing wrong with inviting people to the wedding but not to the reception. You do this by using a traditional, formal invitation to the wedding, and having invitations to the reception printed separately and sent only to some people.

 

 

 

I cannot imagine being invited to the ceremony and not to the reception. I have only heard about people doing this here, on this board, but never irl.

[LucyStoner]

You don't have to invite everyone to both things. There's not a thing wrong with inviting people to the wedding but not to the reception. You do this by using a traditional, formal invitation to the wedding, and having invitations to the reception printed separately and sent only to some people.

 

My favorite resource for wedding planning is Judith Martin's Miss Manners books (she has one just for weddings).

Miss Manners says you can invite people to the reception only but not to the ceremony only. General reasoning being that a ceremony only invite looks like "we want you at our ceremony but we don't want to pay to feed you but we expect a wedding gift."

[vonfirmath]

I cannot imagine being invited to the ceremony and not to the reception. I have only heard about people doing this here, on this board, but never irl.

 

The only situation I can imagine this is:

 

Marriage in a far away location (Destination wedding, wedding on mission field, foreign land, etc) and reception once you return home to party with all the friends that had to miss out.

[QueenCat]

The only situation I can imagine this is:

 

Marriage in a far away location (Destination wedding, wedding on mission field, foreign land, etc) and reception once you return home to party with all the friends that had to miss out.

 

That I could go with........ but when the ceremony and reception in in the same general area, and on the same day, then one should invite the same people to both. Otherwise, it is just rude, in my opinion. I would not attend a wedding that I wasn't on the "A" list for the reception.

[Ellie]

I cannot imagine being invited to the ceremony and not to the reception. I have only heard about people doing this here, on this board, but never irl.

 

Nevertheless, it is so. :-)

 

Some people might have a very small, intimate wedding but a much larger reception.

[QueenCat]

Nevertheless, it is so. :-)

 

Some people might have a very small, intimate wedding but a much larger reception.

 

I can deal with that................ but not the opposite.........

 

[Ellie]

I can deal with that................ but not the opposite.........

 

 

But it would be the same thing: The wedding held in a church, which is pretty much going to be open to all, but a small, intimate reception because that's what the happy couple can afford.

 

Why would you be offended? :confused1:

[QueenCat]

But it would be the same thing: The wedding held in a church, which is pretty much going to be open to all, but a small, intimate reception because that's what the happy couple can afford.

 

Why would you be offended? :confused1:

 

It's like saying you aren't good enough for the party afterwards. The intimate ceremony, I would think would be in a small chapel. Not as much room. If the couple cannot afford an expensive reception, then cake and punch really will suffice, as that allows one to invite all to the reception. Not sure how to explain the difference (especially since I should be in bed, and didn't sleep much last night, so my thinking cap isn't at it's sharpest). Maybe tomorrow, I'll be more awake. Or someone else, with a similar view, will explain it better than I can.

[MarinesWife]

I say don't narrow the guest list, just think outside the box.  :)

 

This is the photography blog of our friend of ours, Sarah, and her wedding:  http://sarahbradshawphotography.com/blog/2014/02/14/our-wedding/

 

They had around 500 at their wedding - just invited everyone - and did a brunch reception right after at the church.  Ladies from the church prepared the food, and they served coffee and juice.   No cost.

 

Then they did pictures.  Then an afternoon reception with a smaller group of close friends and family members.  Sarah is from a large family (oldest of 9 herself) .. so 140 was a small intimate gathering.  :)

 

I love what they did .. they met through their church and wanted it to be an open celebration for all. 

[PrairieSong]

I saw a comment about buying a "congratulations" cake in the Wal-Mart bakery as an option. I wanted to chime in and say that one of my sisters got a wedding cake (yes, a wedding cake) made by a local grocery store. There were no complaints that I know of. That might be something to look into.

 

Where we live it's common for a groom's cake in addition to the main wedding cake so dh and his mom made the groom's cake (it was not large).

 

For favors at my wedding we did the candy thing (little baggies with drawstrings purchased at Michael's. A few candies thrown in each and laid on the tables in front of seats).

 

We were able to use the parish hall for "free" but my parents gave money to the church for using it. Since you plan on using the hall you may have plans to go and decorate it ahead of time. In my case we were unable to get access to it very far ahead, so I was decorating the church hall (with help) the night before my wedding! Unfortunately the man power I really wanted was out doing a bachelor's party thing (not really a party, but a night out). Just be prepared that you may or may not have early access to decorate! lol

We are supposed to have all day the day before the wedding to decorate.

[PrairieSong]

I say don't narrow the guest list, just think outside the box. :)

 

This is the photography blog of our friend of ours, Sarah, and her wedding: http://sarahbradshawphotography.com/blog/2014/02/14/our-wedding/

 

They had around 500 at their wedding - just invited everyone - and did a brunch reception right after at the church. Ladies from the church prepared the food, and they served coffee and juice. No cost.

 

Then they did pictures. Then an afternoon reception with a smaller group of close friends and family members. Sarah is from a large family (oldest of 9 herself) .. so 140 was a small intimate gathering. :)

 

I love what they did .. they met through their church and wanted it to be an open celebration for all.

I love the brunch idea! However, dd has her heart set on an afternoon wedding, then hors d'ouvres, dinner, cake, and dancing. I think our guest list will be well under 500. It might be 300...not sure yet...but not everyone will come of course.

[LucyStoner]

I can think of pretty much nothing ruder than expecting a B group of guests to leave after the ceremony but before the food. If you want someone to witness your wedding ceremony you should be wanting to see them and celebrate with them afterwards. Ceremony only invites is akin to inviting people over for dinner but telling SOME of them to leave before the expensive dessert and champagne are brought out. It violates a pretty sacrosanct rule of hospitality.

 

It's called unequivocally rude on page 27 of Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and I am sure I've read similar things in several other Miss Manners' books.

 

A small ceremony (due to space, religious belief or personal preference) followed by a larger reception is fine.

[LibraryLover]

 

 

It has always been acceptable to invite some people only to the reception or only to the wedding. People who say otherwise are not getting their information from the most reliable sources. :-)

 

 

 

That seems the rudest possible 'solution'.  I've never heard of such a thing.  You can come to the service but you are not invited to the reception?  That is cold.