How Do You See the Best in People?

[Hunter's Moon]

In day-to-day interactions with the public, whether at the supermarket or your child's dance studio or wherever, how do you see the good in those who exhibit rude behaviors?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since your signature says Eastern Orthodox Christian I will give a CC answer.  Even rude people are made in the image of God.  I try to keep that in mind.  But I don't think it is wrong to discern rude behavior for being what it is.  i am still responsible for my own response to another person's behavior - a response that I want to keep in line with how God wants me to behave - ie. not rude in my turn.  (I'm not always successful at this, so please don't think that I am saying that I am.)  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

By being less hypocritical...by telling myself the truth about my life and what others who don't know me might take from one snapshot of my existence. We're none of us truly better than anybody else, and none of us are worse.

 

I was raised by a very judgmental mother. I've tried to choose to be critical if I must, but only judgmental if I'm willing to own that that's what I'm doing and it's wrong.

 

Signed,

Work in progress

[TammyS]

It's also helpful to look upon them with compassion for what was lacking in their upbringing that they are so rude.  I came to this as I've realized all the ways in which my own upbringing was lacking and how bad my behavior has been over the years, usually in ways that I was completely oblivious to for one reason or another.  I know what it's like to have to "reinvent the wheel" on being raised, post-fact. 

[MrsMommy]

I think of the explanation of the eighth commandment in Luther's Small Catechism..."defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way."

 

I fail at this more often than I care to admit, but I try to make this my first reaction to what I would consider rude behavior.

[Pawz4me]

I like to believe that most people do the best they can most of the time.  We're all limited by something -- our intellect, our (lack of) life experiences, other life circumstances.  I think most people do the best they can within that framework.

 

(I don't feel like that came out very clearly, but if I don't get back to the kitchen dinner's going to be ruined!)

[PrincessMommy]

In day-to-day interactions with the public, whether at the supermarket or your child's dance studio or wherever, how do you see the good in those who exhibit rude behaviors?

 

I don't generally have a problem with strangers, unless it's really, really rude (like the water dumped on the laptop lady) -- it's easier to think perhaps they've had a bad day or something.  It's the people I *know* that make it hard to see the best in. 

 

I wish I knew what worked... except I fall and get up and fall and get up again.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I choose to see the good, because otherwise the world would be a miserable place.

[Ripley]

I don't generally have a problem with strangers, unless it's really, really rude (like the water dumped on the laptop lady) -- it's easier to think perhaps they've had a bad day or something.  It's the people I *know* that make it hard to see the best in. 

 

I wish I knew what worked... except I fall and get up and fall and get up again.

 

I have the same issue.

It bothers me that I'm more able to easily excuse a stranger than someone I know and supposedly care about.

 

I started keeping baby pictures around.

It reminds me that everyone is someone's baby.

And it reminds me of a time when someone was my baby.

I'm a visual gal so it's an instant calmer.

 

I see sweetness, innocence, and a world before him/her - it's hard to stay mad at someone whose face shows all of that in a crooked smile, bad bowl haircut and some of the century's most god awful clothing. It reminds me of how far I've come myself, and how far I've yet to go myself. It humbles me and that's when I can see ... if not the best, then at least not the worst ... in someone. It feels less personal. And 99% of the time it's not personal, that's just how I've taken it.

 

[StephanieZ]

It is a conscious choice to have empathy. Assuming the best in people is one of the most powerfully positive things I've ever done in my life. It changes the world. Really. 

 

I think it can help to consider how narcissistic it often is to see the worst in people. At the end of the day, it is RARELY about you. It is nearly always about them. They are busy, distracted, upset, clueless, mentally ill, exhausted, caring for a dying or ill loved one, etc. They aren't out to get you. They are just another hapless human struggling to get through the day. So, I choose to give them a break, assume they meant well, and go about my day. 

 

I can't do it all the time, but I can do it the vast majority of the time. It truly has magic power. Truly.

[Mrs Mungo]

In day-to-day interactions with the public, whether at the supermarket or your child's dance studio or wherever, how do you see the good in those who exhibit rude behaviors?

When people cut me off in traffic, I mentally assume they have explosive diarrhea. LOL! Is that what you mean?

 

In other situations, I generally assume someone is having a bad day. It happens to all of us.

[JenneinCA]

I had a really hard time dealing with my third miscarriage. To someone on the street I looked perfectly fine. I was a wreck. Ultimately I decided I needed to give the compassion that I so desparetely wanted in those days to the people around me. Every day.

[Hunter's Moon]

These responses are great. Really.

 

I apologize -- I am on my phone and it is difficult to multi-quote.

 

I struggle (immensely) with other's perceptions of me. I don't want to appear weak in interactions, so if someone comes off rude, it is SO hard to show compassion. I want to put them in their place and be the clear "winner". (That might not make sense to anybody else.)

[Farrar]

By remembering my worst moments.

[StephanieZ]

nt

[TammyinTN]

I just try to remember everyone has a bad day and give them the benefit of the doubt.  I also like to act nice to people who aren't acting so nice, usually they shape up. 

[*Lulu*]

From a CC perspective:

 

Someone once told me that they were challenged during Lent on year to speak of each person they encountered this phrase, "each one, holy one" I have found it to be extremely helpful in dealing with people who rub me the wrong way. (Strangers and family alike!)

 

The second thing that helps me is having lived long enough to be the person everyone in the store is looking at and judging. When your child with ASD is long past fitting the cart and laying on the floor in the store sobbing you start to develop a different level of compassion for those around you.

[*Lulu*]

As for telling people off.......

 

I have only found the need to speak up 5 times I can think of:

 

-when a retired sheriff was threatening to turn me into CPS because he didn't like my parenting (all 2 minutes of it he had witnessed)

 

-when a pharmacist told me off and hung up on me after 3 attempts to get medicine for a sick infant

 

-when a car dealership was deceitful with us

 

-when someone tried to inappropriately, publicly discipline my child

 

-when a cashier at a store tried to talk my daughter out of buying the black Barbie because "didn't she want a one that looked so pretty just like her?" After remarking, " we don't sell many of these, most girls want the white ones."

 

Ever other public situation I've ever been in was best handled by speaking to the person being treated rudely. Telling the cashier that has just been blasted that I think she is doing a fine job and would be happy to tell that to her supervisor. Telling the mother who just was told to "control her brat" that 3 year olds are special brand of fun and could we help her to her car? Things like even being extra pleasant after a borderline rude person in the checkout can make a big difference. (Says the woman who survived 4 Christmases in a toy store!)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

BLA5 "having lived long enough to be them" that is profound. Yes. If we don't gain humility and compassion as we go then what are we even doing here. On the planet, I mean.

 

I've been thinking about this thread a little. What I said about owning when I'm judgmental -- you know what, that's the opposite of BEING judgmental while trying to ACT all holy and "concerned" or whatever lest one tarnish her christian image by being judgy. (Lessons learned from female relatives and church people as a child.)

 

This is really a breakthrough for me because I've been wondering how I turned from nice-nice (what mom wanted me to be) to Sometime Mean Girl (who I really am) over the last 5-10 years. THIS is how. No pretending I'm not judging, glossed over with christianese to make it OK. Instead I try to genuinely not judge, but if I do it will be without mask or gloves.

 

I'm still a Christian. I think I'm MORE a Christian than when I was trying to understand how to build and maintain the bubble, because now I believe that Jesus never faked liking anybody, for any reason. He genuinely liked them, especially the sinners and those who needed him. And he called a spade a spade without apology.

[*Lulu*]

I'm still a Christian. I think I'm MORE a Christian than when I was trying to understand how to build and maintain the bubble, because now I believe that Jesus never faked liking anybody, for any reason. He genuinely liked them, especially the sinners and those who needed him. And he called a spade a spade without apology.

This is so true. And something I think the church often gets wrong. There absolutely is a time for righteous anger and judgment if we are following the example of Christ.

 

What I wish to heavens the church would remember is that Jesus only pulled those out in defense of the oppressed. (And mostly those being oppressed by the religious power-welders)

[Gil]

In day-to-day interactions with the public, whether at the supermarket or your child's dance studio or wherever, how do you see the good in those who exhibit rude behaviors?

 

I try and remember that we all have a douchebag within and some peoples are bigger and fuller than others. Whenever someone is an a$$wipe to me, I fume about, get angry and then I calm my self by focusing on the fact that I might do the exact same to someone else if the stars are aligned.

 

When other peoples rude or obnoxious crap gets under my skin, I use that as motivation to dig deep and try to excise a little bit of douche from my inner douchebag and rid myself of that part. I make it my mission to never pass it on.

 

In short, I use other peoples nastiness to try and make myself a better person.

 

[PrairieSong]

People who are incredibly rude are unhappy. Maybe they're having a rotten day or maybe it's the way they usually operate. I don't know their story...I'm not judge of the world...but what I can do is offer a kind word or action, or a silent prayer. Maybe they just got laid off or received a terrifying medical diagnosis or lost a beloved pet or any number of things. That's when people need more love and grace. Maybe life has dealt them a thousand hard blows. Being rude back will only make matters worse.

 

I'm only human, too, with far to go. Far. The older I get, the more I realize how little I know. What Arctic Mama said is true, about revenge being like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Do you really want to drink poison?

 

Once on a subway in NYC a woman near us had a scowly, grumpy face. I wasn't sure if my kids were annoying her with their goofiness (being excited about riding the subway) or what, but I offered her my seat. She just melted! She thanked me and said how tired she was and then struck up a conversation, asked us where we were from, etc. It was such a *little* thing to do, and so easy.

 

Do little things with love. There are opportunities all around if we look.

[texasmama]

Haven't read other replies.

 

I do a lot of self-talk which includes scenarios in which people might be excused for terrible behavior.  A lady cut in front of me in line at the grocery store recently. Usually, I would address it, but for some reason I just let it go but felt angry and resentful.  So I told myself that she may be suffering from a migraine, her mother is on hospice care and about to pass away so she was in a big hurry or another unlikely but possible explanation.

 

I also very rarely personalize the poor behavior of strangers because, after all, they don't know me so it can't be about me.  I just tell myself that the person is having a bad day, has a lot going on, her husband just died, she just got news of her friend's illness, had a car accident, lost his job, got a divorce, etc.

 

If I must interact on a regular basis with someone I find abrasive, I smile and say hello and otherwise distance myself.  I don't pour any energy into interactions with negative people.  I am over and done with "fixing people" with my kindness because I figured out a few miles back that it is not possible. 

 

I am a peacemaker, and I don't want to fight with people, but I am also not a doormat.  I will avoid conflict when possible, but if you want to go at it, you'd better knock me completely out because once I start swinging, I am going for broke.  (Figuratively, of course.  I don't physically fight with anyone.)  Also, want to see me bare my teeth, just mess with my kids.

 

Interestingly, I am on an Advisory Board for our homeschool co op because most of the other people are wishy washy and too nice.  So I am the hammer, setting boundaries and helping make the decision to kick people out when needed.  I find this hysterical because I am a really nice, peaceful person.  I just have really good boundaries, and apparently this is uncommon???

 

In other words, I have a very long fuse, I do not personalize other people's problematic interpersonal skills, and I set good boundaries when mine are egregiously crossed.  This seems to work pretty well.  I get along famously with most people, and no one bothers me too much.

[PrairieSong]

These responses are great. Really.

 

I apologize -- I am on my phone and it is difficult to multi-quote.

 

I struggle (immensely) with other's perceptions of me. I don't want to appear weak in interactions, so if someone comes off rude, it is SO hard to show compassion. I want to put them in their place and be the clear "winner". (That might not make sense to anybody else.)

I don't think you are weak if you show compassion. Just the opposite! I think you show more strength by restraining the impulse to put someone else in his place.

[kewb]

There is a saying about not judging until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

I try to remember that everyone is on a journey and they did not wake up this morning asking how they can ruin my day.

I am not always successful bit I try.

[texasmama]

I don't think you are weak if you show compassion. Just the opposite! I think you show more strength by restraining the impulse to put someone else in his place.

Absolutely.  I am purposeful about showing compassion whenever possible.  I hope others will do that for me when I need it.  Getting older and having had some hard things happen in my life (divorce, child with a birth defect, dh unemployed, mom passed away) has helped to promote humility and decrease judgment of others. 

[myfunnybunch]

Sometimes I think about my very worst, most overwhelmed days, and try to give people the grace I would like to have had extended to me on those days.

 

And people with chronic rudeness issues really aren't the kind of people I want to spend a lot of my emotional energy on. Being able to shrug it off and forgive them means I don't have to carry around behavior and worries that aren't mine.

 

Wanting to be the WINNER totally makes sense to me. That's where I was (am?) and kind of how I arrived at this point where I am striving to be patient and kind by not giving people that kind of emotional power. I am really examining that idea and asking myself, "What do I WIN?" Nothing.

 

Cat

[Guest submarines]

In day-to-day interactions with the public, whether at the supermarket or your child's dance studio or wherever, how do you see the good in those who exhibit rude behaviors?

 

Be being kind to myself. I'm not perfect. I can be an absent minded space cadet, I get distracted, I might not be paying attention, I might not be the most socially aware person. Just today I rammed my shopping cart forward in the grocery store, when I should've let the elderly woman go first. I was mortified and apologized...I forgave myself--I knew I wasn't malicious, just preoccupied.

 

Humility?

 

Knowing my own weaknesses and struggles and thinking that everyone has their own weakness and struggles.

 

I honestly can't remember meeting any rude people when out and about. Usually people I see are either quite neutral, or quite nice.

 

ETA: I also think that 99.99% of those who appear rude have mental illness.

[Guest]

I love this thread.  

 

[cottonmama]

I think of the explanation of the eighth commandment in Luther's Small Catechism..."defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way."

 

I fail at this more often than I care to admit, but I try to make this my first reaction to what I would consider rude behavior.

 

This.  If there is the remotest possibility that the person has good intentions, or is totally clueless that what he did was rude, or isn't normally like this but is having a bad day, or is a generally nice person who has some rough edges, or is trying to reign in their harsh words but keeps slipping into old habits -- or anything else good at all -- then explain it to yourself that way.  Let the searching for that explanation be a mental exercise every time you're offended.

 

I love the phrase "benefit of the doubt."  There is always doubt as to why someone behaved a certain way, because you aren't in that person's head.  Let that doubt be to their benefit.

 

And remember that even if you would never do what they are doing, you're not perfect either.  Politeness may be as hard for them as something else is to you.

[Hunter's Moon]

Awesome.

 

I really didn't think I'd get this many responses but I am absolutely loving them!

 

I grew up in an alcoholic and otherwise dysfunctional home. I avoid conflict at all costs and tend to be the quiet and easily forgotten participant in many interactions.

 

When I am interacting with someone who is rude, I want to put them in their place, but my meekness will not allow it. So, I stew. I grow angry and resentful. I play the interaction back in my mind over and over.

 

I feel that my reason for wanting to tell others off vs showing grace is because my boundaries are lacking, and I know it, so I want to over compensate with a complete stranger.

 

How do you determine whether someone is just having a bad day and to extend grace or to enforce boundaries and allow them to go no further?

[Guest]

I don't find many people (strangers) to be rude or obnoxious. I actually find most strangers to be reasonably pleasant, with a few extraordinarily nice folks thrown in. It's hard for me to even think of an example in recent history where a stranger was rude to me.

 

I do make it a point to say nice things to strangers often, unless i'm just in my own little world, but I try to refrain from that. Maybe it's good karma; maybe it's what I filter vs. what I notice, but people are nice to me most often.

 

It's those couple of people whom I am "stuck with" that are really hard for me to reframe.

[Guest]

Awesome.

 

I really didn't think I'd get this many responses but I am absolutely loving them!

 

I grew up in an alcoholic and otherwise dysfunctional home. I avoid conflict at all costs and tend to be the quiet and easily forgotten participant in many interactions.

 

When I am interacting with someone who is rude, I want to put them in their place, but my meekness will not allow it. So, I stew. I grow angry and resentful. I play the interaction back in my mind over and over.

 

I feel that my reason for wanting to tell others off vs showing grace is because my boundaries are lacking, and I know it, so I want to over compensate with a complete stranger.

 

How do you determine whether someone is just having a bad day and to extend grace or to enforce boundaries and allow them to go no further?

I'm not sure what you mean. What are the rude people doing that is provoking you?

 

Honestly, I don't try to figure out if someone is having a bad day. In most cases, I assume folks mean well. What boundaries do you feel you need to enforce?

[Hunter's Moon]

I'm not sure what you mean. What are the rude people doing that is provoking you?

 

Honestly, I don't try to figure out if someone is having a bad day. In most cases, I assume folks mean well. What boundaries do you feel you need to enforce?

I guess I am asking, what interactions do you feel deserve a response that isn't graceful? At what point has someone's rudeness or inconsideration crossed a line?

 

If someone cuts you in line (to use an example from upthread), when is it okay to ask them to please take their correct spot in the line? If someone cuts me and I say nothing, I feel spineless and insecure. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I am a wimp who cannot handle confrontation.

 

I think my own self-esteem issues are causing some things to get lost in translation. Perhaps my question isn't even about benefit of the doubt, but more about boundaries and their proper implementation.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Have you read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? That might be a good starting place. :)

 

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

[Hunter's Moon]

For whatever reason, I have always associated extending grace with being a doormat. Perhaps because I strive to be graceful and I have always been meek and polite, but that meekness can lend itself to being walked upon.

[Hunter's Moon]

Have you read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? That might be a good starting place. :)

 

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

I actually own it, but have only craked it open a few times to give it a cursory glance.

 

I will definitely give it more thorough read when I get back into town.

[bolt.]

I don't encounter much (any?) aggressive rudeness in public. Mostly things are casual and mannerly with strangers... Possibly I just don't notice (I wouldn't notice if someone was idk, "looking coldly at me" or done thing) or I find their behaviour "confusing" (maybe because it was rude, and I wasn't expecting it?)

 

Generally, I assume people are minding their own business and doing their best. If their best is to be late, to be brief, or to sing off key -- it just doesn't seem to have much to do with me at all. I don't expect much, I guess.

 

If someone was genuinely aggressively rude to me, like, called me a name or something, I'd probably be do shocked that I'd parent at them. "Now, xyz is a rude word. If you are frustrated, you should say so, and you could tell me what I can do to help." -- I honestly wouldn't have any other strategies.

[bolt.]

Nobody walks on me. I think I must have a really effective (naturally occurring) face that says, "Just what do you think you are doing?"

 

I don't often have to stand up for myself... I must just radiate the impression that I would do so, if nessisary.

[Guest]

I guess I am asking, what interactions do you feel deserve a response that isn't graceful? At what point has someone's rudeness or inconsideration crossed a line?

 

If someone cuts you in line (to use an example from upthread), when is it okay to ask them to please take their correct spot in the line? If someone cuts me and I say nothing, I feel spineless and insecure. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I am a wimp who cannot handle confrontation.

 

I think my own self-esteem issues are causing some things to get lost in translation. Perhaps my question isn't even about benefit of the doubt, but more about boundaries and their proper implementation.

I would only feel this way if a person was being abusive. If someone cut ahead of me in line, I would say, in a loud-enough, but cheerful voice, "Excuse me! The line is actually back here, see? We are all in line here." The very few times this has happened in my life, either the line-jumper seemed truly surprised and moved, or they were at least abashed - maybe they were trying to jump the line, but hearing it said made them correct themselves.

 

I think you sound overly aware of your own difficulty with conflict. I also hate conflict and confrontation. I despise it. But i think my gentle style is usually an asset, because I don't "put the hammer down" on people. Here's an example of a conflict I had with a service station attendant.

 

I was at Jiffy Lube for an oil change. I had a -$6 coupon I got from a coupon book. The cashier was unfamiliar with the coupon and said he could only give me a five-dollar discount because he didn't know the code to ring in my coupon. I said, "Well, that doesn't seem fair. I went to the trouble of bringing the coupon, even checked to make sure it was valid at this location, but you don't want to give me the face value discount? I mean, I don't want to sit her and argue about one dollar, but I really feel it should be honored at face value." He said, "I only know the codes for a five dollar or a seven dollar..." I looked at him, waiting for him to do right by me...when he decided, "That's what i'll do. I'll give you the seven dollar discount." So, yeah, I stood up for myself, but I am not a "hard" person and it would not benefit me to try and act like one. I just keep trying to find a solution that will be win-win.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You can be pleasant and stand up for yourself.  Like Quill said, I actually don't encounter a lot of people who are rude specifically to me.  Sometimes I see loud and obnoxious people but they are impacting everyone in the area.  So I don't take it personally!  I'm more matter of fact about boundaries now that I'm middle-aged.  

 

An example:  I was getting off the plane recently and a man started to push past me even though it was my row's turn to get off.  I had already stepped out into the aisle and I told him "No. You need to wait.  And you need to get me my bag."  He looked at me in shock and said, "What?"  I said, "My bag"  (which he was blocking)  "You are going to get it down for me."  "I am?"  he said.  "Yes.  The red one, please."  He got it down for me.  Ds said later out of earshot of the man, "Hey Mom, that trick you use with little kids of expecting obedience works with older people too!"  Yep! I was perfectly polite.  I smiled.  I was more direct in my language because the man from his speech not a native English speaker but I was pleasant about it.  I did wonder later if he had been in a mad hurry to make a connection but later in the airport when he had ample room and time to rush by my slow pace, he didn't.  And I hadn't meant to confront him.  I had stepped out into the aisle because it was my turn not because I was trying to confront anyone.  But once there I really didn't see any reason to back up, inconveniencing the other people in my row.  So I stood my ground.  And because I would have had to shove into him to get my bag and I didn't think that was too courteous, I asked him to get it down for me. 

[Guest submarines]

I guess I am asking, what interactions do you feel deserve a response that isn't graceful? At what point has someone's rudeness or inconsideration crossed a line?

 

If someone cuts you in line (to use an example from upthread), when is it okay to ask them to please take their correct spot in the line? If someone cuts me and I say nothing, I feel spineless and insecure. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I am a wimp who cannot handle confrontation.

 

I think my own self-esteem issues are causing some things to get lost in translation. Perhaps my question isn't even about benefit of the doubt, but more about boundaries and their proper implementation.

If someone threatened my child in public I wouldn't be worried about being graceful, I'd fight for my child's safety.

Why would you think that asking someone to please take their correct spot in line is not graceful? It can be done politely and with a smile and with plenty of grace.

 

This said, in all my years of standing in lines, I have never encountered anyone cutting me in line. Canada, eh? I'm not sure what I'd do. I don't think I'd care much, actually. If I were in a hurry, I'd try to explain myself and be assertive about it.

 

Do people often experience being cut in line?? In what types of lines?

[Catwoman]

OK, I could not possibly be the only person reading this thread waiting for someone to come out and admit that they're no day at the beach, and that rude people annoy them.

 

I try to be nice to people, and I go out of my way to try to think of something nice to say or to compliment something about them or their kids, but if someone goes out of their way to be rude and nasty to me, I'm not all sweetness and light about it.

 

I may not be as wonderful and nice as the rest of you, but at least I'm honest about it. :)

[Catwoman]

Ha! I was coming to post this.

 

I'm not out and out rude IRL, but I am majorly impatient. And I rush to judgement except for days where I've eaten enough chocolate to mellow out.

 

Also, passive aggressive on a bad day and I KNOW I'm not alone in that :)

 

The days when I can remember to think 'Oh, they're having a bad day, poor person' are fewer than they days I don't.

I know what you mean. I try to be a nice person and I let people get in front of me in line if I have a ton of stuff and they've only got a few things, and other little stuff like that, but I'm the first one to admit that I'm no saint if someone is being very rude or confrontational.

 

Fortunately, most people are pretty nice.

[myfunnybunch]

For whatever reason, I have always associated extending grace with being a doormat. Perhaps because I strive to be graceful and I have always been meek and polite, but that meekness can lend itself to being walked upon.

 

I was at the pool a couple weeks ago, and an employee was very rude to the entire crowd waiting in line.

 

In the past, I'd have reacted by griping about it and wanting to put her in her place, but not saying anything. How dare she talk to a crowd of people like they were deliberately behaving like naughty children? What a jerk. Etc., etc. etc.

 

Instead, I decided it was worth speaking up about when the little girl behind me was hesitant to enter the pool lobby because she was afraid of getting yelled at again. 

 

So I said something to her. I waited until I reached the front of the line and told her politely but firmly that I thought her tone was uncalled for and that the crowd did not deserve to be scolded for not knowing the rules of entry. I let her know that the teens ahead of me and the young kids behind me were quite upset, and that it wasn't what she'd said, but the way she'd said it.

 

I also emailed the facility, but instead of saying "That rotten so-and-so, how dare she, she should be fired." I let them know that I understood her frustration because people were not doing what was expected, but that communicating clear expectations would be more effective and customer friendly. I made it clear that my goal was to speak up for the group of teens who received the main brunt of the scolding and who were visibly upset, and that I felt it was a communication and learning opportunity. The pool re-configured their entry process and posted signs. Easy to navigate even for people who don't go to the pool every day.

 

I hope the larger picture of my story comes through. It's not about "Yay, me!" :P My point is that I tried to look at it from her perspective too, and tried to think of a constructive answer to the problem. Then I spoke up, even though it is waaaaaaay outside my comfort zone. How would she have heard the perspective of the people in the lobby, and how could they have learned that the entry process was confusing to the point that staff and customers were getting frustrated?

 

Stating your case brightly and matter-of-factly often works. "Excuse me! I guess you didn't see the end of the line. It's back there. Thanks!" With a smile and....what was it in the post I just read, expectation of obedience?, most people respond even if not graciously.

 

But honestly, rudeness is something I rarely encounter from strangers. My mom says that some of it is where we live. She notices a difference in our town when she visits, and thinks people here are exceptionally friendly and polite.

Cat

[StaceyinLA]

Yeah I'm not super tolerant of rudeness. I am also impatient.

 

Now, I'm extremely pleasant, talkative, friendly, etc., even to people who are just blah, but I am not tolerant of rudeness for the most part, and have been known to speak up on occasion.

 

Just today in fact, I was standing ten feet from a stroller we rented in the mall (I had followed dgs to the candy machines), and someone just put their kid in the stroller and started walking off. It had my and dd's drinks in it and everything. I loudly said, "excuse me," until they looked my way then told them the stroller was ours. Now I realize this wasn't blatant rudeness, but I did think it was nervy, and it ticked me off. I had dgd in a stroller, dgs walking holding my hand because I couldn't push both strollers and dd was checking out in a nearby store, and I was just annoyed someone had the - dare I say - balls to take someone else's stroller.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Many of us said that we were not saints and were not always tolerant of others.  But we did take the time to actually answer the question which is how we see the best in people - I assume that would apply to the times when we do manage to do so.  

[*lifeoftheparty*]

OK, I could not possibly be the only person reading this thread waiting for someone to come out and admit that they're no day at the beach, and that rude people annoy them.

 

I try to be nice to people, and I go out of my way to try to think of something nice to say or to compliment something about them or their kids, but if someone goes out of their way to be rude and nasty to me, I'm not all sweetness and light about it.

 

I may not be as wonderful and nice as the rest of you, but at least I'm honest about it. :)

 

If and when I see someone around me on the road texting while driving (like I did today) I honk at them and give them the one finger salute.... I also use the word "idiot" a lot while I drive.... and I judge the heck out of smokers (ESPECIALLY!!! if they are smoking near children- theirs or mine) and they *will* get the stink eye from me.... Possibly an audible "ugh" while I  move away from them..... and yeah, I can be passive agressive when the mood calls for it.... but other than that, I think I'm pretty nice :)

 

These things are worse and more prevalent when I am rushed, stressed out and in a hurry.... and *almost* non-existent when I'm not.... like, sometimes, I'll just honk at the driving-while-texting drivers, or just move away from the smoker without an "ugh" or stink eye (but not when kids are involved- you always deserve the stink eye or worse when you smoke around kids).

 

I just think that sometimes people deserve to have their bad and dangerous behavior called out and not ignored. But for rudeness that's not harmful? I can let that go most of the time by just doing what everyone else does- I say to myself, "What a miserable turd, sucks to be them." And I move on :)

 

Maybe I shoudn't have replied to this thread.....

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

If and when I see someone around me on the road texting while driving (like I did today) I honk at them and give them the one finger salute.... I also use the word "idiot" a lot while I drive.... and I judge the heck out of smokers (ESPECIALLY!!! if they are smoking near children- theirs or mine) and they *will* get the stink eye from me.... Possibly an audible "ugh" while I move away from them..... and yeah, I can be passive agressive when the mood calls for it.... but other than that, I think I'm pretty nice :)

 

These things are worse and more prevalent when I am rushed, stressed out and in a hurry.... and *almost* non-existent when I'm not.... like, sometimes, I'll just honk at the driving-while-texting drivers, or just move away from the smoker without an "ugh" or stink eye (but not when kids are involved- you always deserve the stink eye or worse when you smoke around kids).

 

I just think that sometimes people deserve to have their bad and dangerous behavior called out and not ignored. But for rudeness that's not harmful? I can let that go most of the time by just doing what everyone else does- I say to myself, "What a miserable turd, sucks to be them." And I move on :)

 

Maybe I shoudn't have replied to this thread.....

 

 

You have an interesting username. I often think that. How did you come to choose it?

[Jenny in Florida]

I try to remember that saying about being kind, because you never know what battle the other person is fighting.

 

I try to remember the moments or days or weeks when I didn't manage to take my best self out into the world and to appreciate and "pay forward" the kindness and grace others showed me.

 

I try to remember that someone else's rudeness likely has nothing to do with me and everything to do with that person. 

 

I try to let it go, because my life is more pleasant when I am not stewing about the rude thing some other person said or did.

 

And I hope that the next time I am rude to someone because I'm having a yucky day -- which, as enlightened as I like to pretend I am, unfortunately will happen -- at least a few of the folks I run into out in the world will be trying to remember all of that stuff, too.