Am I Wasting our Money?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds16 will be getting a neuro-psych eval. next week.  The reason is because while I think he is gifted, he is also quirky and has at times some pretty extreme anxiety which I'm not sure is just normal teenage hormones or something else - plus, his giftedness doesn't show up in his work because of lack of focus and other executive function type problems.  I'm hoping that testing will reassure him because he will know what is going on with himself.  And I'm hoping that it will help me to teach him better in the year I have left.  And I'm hoping that it will help to guide college choices and if needed, will help us get accommodations.  

 

Anyway. . .  money is tight but I'm doing this anyway because he is 16 and we're running out of time before college and I think he really needs this.  But dh thinks I'm wasting our money and that a label (if he gets one) won't change anything.  Even if ds is diagnosed with Aspergers, he thinks that all we have to do is to teach him to "think differently" and he'll be fine.  I talked to my sister, who is a teacher, and was shocked to have her say pretty much the same thing as dh.

 

So. . . am I wasting money?  Are my mommy teacher gut feelings wrong?  

[OneStepAtATime]

I guess my response would be, if you use this money for evals does it mean that you are unable to address your on-going health issues?  Or your family won't have food on the table?

 

Personally, I would do the evals unless it risks your health or the ability to take care of the basic needs of your family.  Why?  Because you have never had clear answers on what the learning differences and  learning strengths might be.  How can you know how to effectively help him learn how to "think differently" if you really don't know where his strengths and weaknesses lie?  One could be masking the other and vice-a-versa.  

 

My kids are very different in how they learn and what their strengths are.  Without the evals I was clueless on certain aspects of their strengths and weaknesses.  We were doing a ton of trial and error to help them but it was obvious we were missing the mark in a lot of places.  Each one had strengths that were masking the true weaknesses and the flip was also true.  It was exceedingly difficult to understand what was happening.   Having concrete answers finally helped me better understand the kids and they better understood themselves.  It was a huge relief, honestly.

 

 As for a teacher's take on this, well, my mother is a teacher.  She was discouraging me from getting evals and so was my DH.  Not anymore.  They are both supporters, my mother even more so.  From her perspective the school wasn't going to be able to do much differently than what they were already doing so why waste money and saddle my children with a "label" they would be stuck with for life and make them feel different?  Only my goal was not to get a label.  My goal was to finally get concrete answers as to why my kids seem so bright but struggle in odd ways, and how to address both issues and strengths in a concrete way.  And once we got those answers light bulbs went off all over.  It wasn't the end of the journey, only a really great boost along our journey of understanding, but it was HUGE.  I don't regret the evals for a moment.  I just wish I had ignored everyone and done something more proactive in seeking answers a heck of a lot sooner than I did.  I let the naysayers hold sway over my mommy instincts and even my mother regrets that now.  But every situation is different.  I don't know what type of cost you are talking about, Jean, or how negatively that cost will affect your family.  I wish this were an easy call for you and you had full support.  I am sorry that you are in this position.  

 

Huge hugs and best wishes... :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

The money will not affect putting food on the table.  I did ask the psych. if I could pay the fee in a couple of installments and he agreed.  Money will still be tight and of course that money could have gone to other things but we will be ok even if I might (not sure) have to put some of it on a credit card for a couple of months.  

[OneStepAtATime]

Then I say go for it!  :)

[Tiramisu]

You are not wasting your money if you get any of the following:

 

Peace of mind (worth a lot!)

 

Possible accommodations he could receive that might enable him to successfully pursue studies that could benefit him in terms of enjoyment and future income. (Lots of if's in there but still.)

 

Potential of future help in finding employment in the case of a significant disability.

 

A big jump start in helping him accept himself and love himself as he is, and a big jump start helping others accept and love him more fully, though that path will inevitably go through hills and valleys.

 

Development of patience with his own specific limitation, and development of patience in others, which could lead to less frustration for all.

 

Learning his strengths and how to use them to fulfill his potential.

 

Identifying the weaknesses you need to focus on for helping meet goals.

 

Setting realistic goals.

 

Development of a greater compassion for others with challenges.

 

A deepening of being thankful in all things.

[Tiramisu]

You are not wasting your money if you get any of the following:

 

Peace of mind (worth a lot!)

 

Possible accommodations he could receive that might enable him to successfully pursue studies that could benefit him in terms of enjoyment and future income. (Lots of if's in there but still.)

 

Potential of future help in finding employment in the case of a significant disability.

 

A big jump start in helping him accept himself and love himself as he is, and a big jump start helping others accept and love him more fully, though that path will inevitably go through hills and valleys.

 

Development of patience with his own specific limitations, and development of patience in others, which could lead to less frustration for all.

 

Learning his strengths and how to use them to fulfill his potential.

 

Identifying the weaknesses you need to focus on for helping meet goals.

 

Setting realistic goals.

 

Development of a greater compassion for others with challenges.

 

A deepening of being thankful in all things.

[Soror]

Assuming you find someone good to do the testing I do not think you will regret it at all, the only time I've heard of regret is if someone ends up with someone who isn't able to answer all their questions, isn't very thorough or is just wrong. The thing is we're all just amateurs and all these issues are so complicated it is really helpful to have someone to confirm our suspicions or point us in the right direction. Also, as pointed out earlier he very well could qualify for accommodations, which could greatly help him in testing and college and starting that paper trail earlier is good and you are in a great window(as the tests won't be too old to be irrelevant and you can establish a pattern of accommodation before it is really needed). With executive function deficits and attention issues it could very well be that he does receive at least some accommodation. 

 

With ds I had already figured out many things on my own and accomodated accordingly but the eval gave me so much more info. It was a nice pat on the back and encouragement but also a kick in the pants to address some areas that I hadn't seen or wasn't sure what to do about. 

 

I had a huge big long thread about my own doubts about pursuing testing but I'm very glad we did. 

[kbutton]

I understand evaluation cold feet--we've had it here! I think you will gain valuable information and insight. You might even gain some serious validation--we always felt defeated that no matter what we did, some things never worked, etc. Once we had a diagnosis, we found out how much we'd done right, and much of what we'd done right is stuff that drew criticism from others. We needed that because we've struggled so much to be good parents and had so many conflicting results from the things we've tried.

 

We also now have an ongoing relationship with someone who can point us to resources and strategies, tell us what is typical/not typical (for his age, Asperger's, and giftedness as a whole or separately), talk through ideas with us, and tell us when the problem is "us" (didn't stick with something long enough, etc.). It's changing our whole family for the better.

[Heathermomster]

Was he diagnosed for anything at a younger age?

 

If you suspect that he's on the spectrum, the diagnosis might help if he requires any state employment helps.  Is he on any medications?  Perhaps, with a diagnosis, his anxiety might be eased with meds.  8FilltheHeart might be able to help you address some potential issues.

 

How is he functionally?  What are his long term life goals?  Knowing strengths from the testing assists with course selection and can inform teaching strategies and provide specific accommodations.  If he's never been tested and you suspect an issue that might prohibit his long term goals, he should be tested.  

 

[Tokyomarie]

I agree with Tiramisu. The value in getting a full neuropsych evaluation is not about getting a label. The concept of labels is truly an emotionally laden subject, with lots of negative connotations, even though labels can create access to certain services that are not available without them. The real value in having an evaluation is to learn what you can about what drives your son's behaviors- cognitive, social, and emotional. By learning about how your son learns and perceives the world, you and he will gain a better understanding of what he needs to be a more effective learner and, ultimately, a more effective employee and participant in social relationships. You will also learn what he does well, so you both can begin to look ahead to using those strengths in his future education and/or work.

 

We came relatively late to the complete evaluation process when we went through it with our son. He was already 15yo. In our case, it helped me make some new choices about how to interact with him, how to view his struggles, and got us on a path towards extra academic assistance. Four years later, I can definitely say it was worth the effort and expense. In our case, we did get insurance coverage for it, which kicked in largely because we were also evaluating not just for academic performance but for attention, social, and emotional functioning. If you have regular and behavioral health insurance, I would recommend pursuing any level of reimbursement you can get. I had to take our claim to a supervisory review in order to get coverage, but pointing out that our son's difficulties were affecting our home life and we were afraid for his future ability to function as an employee apparently helped us get approved.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our health insurance will cover it but I will still have to pay it because of the deductible.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Simple answer, no you aren't wasting your money.

[Χά�ων]

Honestly, when I took DS to be tested and it was a waste of money.

 

But, that was because while he is verbal he has a severe language disorder and she did not take that into consideration. She gave him a standard IQ test and just said he "was just slow". I did not feel this was accurate and my mommy gut said to seek answers elsewhere. My views may have been skewed because the place she worked for had completely missed major major warning signs and blew off DS's pain and blamed all of his issues on homeschooling. Within 3 months he was DX and it was all I could do not to get nasty. 

 

A few months later I found an LD specialist who was much much cheaper who listened to me and gave me a much better over all view of his strengths, abilities and where he needed intervention. Even with his anxiety the nonverbal IQ score was 40 points higher which put him well above average with a note that the specialist felt that his vision issues and anxiety negatively impacted the score and that his IQ was probably another 10-15 pts higher.

 

If you are looking for a specific autism DX there may be a way to have him evaluated through the state at minimal cost to you.

[kbutton]

Our health insurance will cover it but I will still have to pay it because of the deductible.  

 

The possible good news about this is that it's early enough in the year that if he needs a particular service, therapy, etc. you might have time to reach the deductible and then receive some covered care before the year rolls over. If you were getting an eval. in December, you'd have to pay for the eval and then probably pay for all the therapy out of pocket the next year. (Assuming you have individual deductibles, and that he's otherwise healthy.)

 

(I hate insurance/healthcare woes. We've had an HMO, a PPO, an HDHP/HSA plan, employer-based insurance, private insurance--basically everything except Medicare/Medicaid or insurance purchased privately under the new ACA rules. I'm trying to find a bright spot for you, but it's probably falling flat. :svengo:)

[PeterPan]

Jean, these are totally normal jitters and worries.  As long as the psych is good (not anti-homeschooling, spends time with you, blah blah), you will be glad you did it by the end.  This is just a very emotional time right now, first about the money, then about what the labels will be, then wondering what you do with the information.  Just plow forward sister!  

 

:thumbup: 

[Jean in Newcastle]

To be honest, I'm not personally worried or nervous about the testing.  It's more that it is a bone of contention between dh and I and that contention is what worries me.  I was a bit gobsmacked when dh said that even if he had problems that we just needed to make him stop having those problems - as if it were a character flaw or behavior problem that we should tell him to knock off.  I do work with ds on how to cope with focus problems and anxiety but I also recognize these things as life-long challenges that he's going to have to accommodate in some way - either himself or with tools or by receiving accommodations that are offered.  I guess I am a bit worried about the testing in that it might not look like it was monetarily worth it to dh.  The psychologist spoke to me on the phone for over 20 minutes when I first called to make an appointment and I was quite impressed.  He was not at all down on homeschooling either.  

[PeterPan]

Jean, your dh's obliviousness is pretty typical and not shocking.  Sometimes the evals are a personal affront and can reflect or imply things about the parent the genes came from.  That might explain some of his defensiveness.  Even if it doesn't, the reality is the evals are to help YOU teach better and to help the CHILD know himself better.  Your dh isn't the one with the issues, so the evals aren't for him.  It might take a few years, as he sees the fruit, for him to understand.  

 

It's always like that with the dh.  First dc: why are they in my bed? when you are going to wean them? on and on..  10 years later: hey, let's cuddle!  They just take a while to see why it was important.  

 

Your fear is normal and everyone has it.  You're going to be ok and going to come to the other side.  It may just take him a while to understand.  The thing you have to remember is it's not about him or the label.  You need help to teach, and your child has the need to understand himself better and have the correct words for what's going on.  My ds may turn out to be on the spectrum when we have him tested, and my dh also has that sort of wistfulness where he says if he could just get him to be not so xyz, everything would be "fine".  Yeah right.  He is who he is. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with Elizabeth.  DH hated the idea of evals and labels.  He still cringes if any sort of label is mentioned publicly.  He also had the attitude that the kids just needed to "get over it", suck it up buttercup, etc.  He couldn't see, because he wasn't directly involved in day to day learning, just how hard they were trying.  He couldn't see that this isn't an attitude or a character flaw.  He saw it, at least consciously, as my seeking excuses for babying them.  That was NOT my intention.  And he still is resistant to further evals, which is frustrating.  

 

He is glad that we got the ones we did though, and is now in total agreement that we needed to take the eval route and probably should have done it much sooner.  Being able to talk with the evaluator himself, and ask specific questions and see the written report helped him to make sense of what was happening and to accept that we needed those answers to move forward.  I know this is challenging.  I am sorry your DH is not on board.  It was tough that mine wasn't either.  Hugs.

 

Of course, getting an evaluation that actually GIVES you real answers is the key.  Otherwise, yes, it is a complete waste of money.  Did that too.  Ugh!  So frustrating.  And I am sure that is one of the reasons DH did not want to do another one.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OneStep, are you sure we're not married to the same man?  

[OneStepAtATime]

OneStep, are you sure we're not married to the same man?  

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 

He's out of town so much it's possible.  If so, can you please ask him to go fix my mother's computer when he gets back here?   :)

[freesia]

I found it very helpful. Even though we just did some basic testing and it didn't show what I thought it would show, it was a tremendous help. I made some small changes that made huge differences. We had a great year after 2 not good years. If you think it will be helpful, it probably will. For your dh, it wouldn't be as helpful bc he doesn't have the desire for the info that you do. Does that make any sense? Your gut senses that you need some info to be successful with this child. Listen to it.

[Julie of KY]

I don't think you are wasting your money. I found it very helpful in understanding my teenager (and therefore improving our relationship). It gave me the diagnosis to be able to stop pushing so hard in some areas and helped me to be a better teacher to his style.

[SonshineLearner]

NO!!!! I don't understand why your sister agreed with your husband, but I totally think it's worth it. There are ALL sorts of evaluations, so make sure the college will accept the one that you get... Because that's part of what you'll use it for. (See if it'll be good in 2 years) The value will be now, but later as well, because if he has labels that apply to him... he'll get all sorts of valuable accommodations which will make it possible to be successful.  (Such as... not having a time limit for tests, notes from the teacher and 1 or 2 other students and other things like that...)  Seriously, it's amazing!!!! And it's fair... think of it as a ramp to use a wheelchair.  Insurance often covers most of it, too.  Seriously though, you want to ask the college he'd like to attend, what evaluations they require for a label like... ADHD/Asperbergers..   Good Luck!!! And yup, you're right to do it!

[Elisabet1]

Regardless of what your sister does for her profession, you are his mother, and you are the one who spends time with him, not her. She is not even his teacher. I could not imagine going to my doctor and having my doctor tell me I have diabetes and then calling my cousin, who is a doctor, and having her diagnose me.
 

Usually, in public schools, in Texas anyway, the teachers are not even supposed to suggest a diagnosis. They are not even trained in this. If they suspect something, they are supposed to refer a child on, not even tell the parent that the child has this or that. So your sister, who is not even HIS teacher, should not be giving her opinion on this.

[PeterPan]

Hey, next week is here!  When do your evals start?  Nervous?  Excited?  Dd was tired each day after hers.  Will you be doing 1 day?  2, 3?  Do something nice for yourself.  Maybe you have a girlfriend you can visit during the testing or something?

[texasmama]

I think you are wise to seek evals, Jean.  Sometimes mama has a gut about things (and is closer to the situation of daily teaching and working with a kid) to see the red flags which prompt an eval when others don't.  Also, your dh sound misinformed about LDs, as many people in the general public are.  I've not regretted any money or time spent on evals for my kid.  With less "obvious" or clear issues, it is easy for mom to think she is just looking at things wrong, is paranoid, etc.  Evals have a way of clarifying things for all parties.  I think it will be money well-spent, and it could possibly lead to a diagnosis (not a label!) which will positively impact your son's college experience if he needs accommodations.  All the best during the evals!

[Dmmetler]

In addition, it's entirely possible that having a label will enable him to get a 504 plan for testing, college, or both that will better enable him to show his true abilities. It really can make a difference to have that official piece of paper.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Evals are on Thursday.  Dh isn't saying anything about them any more - at all.  It's like it's just not happening for him. . .    But that's ok.  I'll talk about them with you instead!  I'm not really nervous at this point.  I am eager to get it done so I can cross it off my list!  

[PeterPan]

Well that's cool that he's at least not ragging you or naysaying.  It shows he respects you and at this point is going to wait and see what happens.  That's all you can ask.  My dh had an equally supportive response, something to the effect of "Just don't waste my money."  LOL  He now knows I was right, but he had to learn just like we learn.

 

Well Thursday will come!  Glad it's finally happening for you!  :)

[EKS]

A good evaluation is worth its weight in gold (or something like that!). 

 

However, with twice exceptional kids, you have to be really careful to find an evaluator who knows how the giftedness might interact with the second (and third and fourth...) exceptionality.  With our older son, the first evaluator said he was "just slow" and possibly had ADHD.  She thought the IQ score was surprisingly low given her general impression of him, but apparently that didn't set off any alarm bells with her.  The second evaluator misdiagnosed our son with Asperger's.  The third evaluation was done by the Eides and they were the ones to finally come up with the right diagnosis.  At the time they weren't doing IQ tests, so a few years later I had him evaluated again to see if my feeling that he was gifted could actually be confirmed.  It was.  So that's four evaluations to finally get a full picture of both strengths and weaknesses.

 

Anyway, if you haven't already, it would be good to ask the evaluator very specific questions about their experience with twice exceptional teens and how they deal with the complexities of evaluating 2E kids.

 

 

[Finnella]

I hope you get useful information from the evaluation. My DH was totally resistant to the idea initially, nor did he even believe in the existence of ADHD. Our son was really struggling by third grade, so I finally insisted. The evaluation was extremely helpful, and my husband eventually got over his reservations. Both my DS and my DH have now been diagnosed with ADHD.

 

Some people will never see the light. We didn't tell anyone on my husband's side of the family about this diagnosis or our son's subsequent diagnoses. 

[Tiramisu]

Today's the day! Have fun!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Today's the day! Have fun!

Thanks.  The appointment starts at noon which is kind of awkward because ds will have to eat lunch pretty early but that's the way it goes sometime.  

[TxMama]

Best of luck!

 

We did our evaluations last week. Waiting was hard. That was the time that I had serious doubts about the whole process. What if these kids were just lazy or had a terrible teacher (me!)? Overall, it was a good experience. The kids have been formally identified with SLDs and I now have specific ways to help them. My only regret was not doing this sooner.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We did it.  Spent 4 1/2 hours including commute time on the whole neuro-psych thing.  I thought I could drop ds off and go have some girl shopping time with dd but was handed 309 (Dd counted!) more questions to answer and that took quite a bit of time.  We did get in a bit of shopping but not too much.  I'm pooped.  

 

The Psychologist talked to me a tiny bit at the start.  Ds threw me under the bus  and said that I hadn't told him why we were there for testing.  I've talked and talked to the kid about it!  And he had me come back for just a few minutes at the end.  We will have a meeting to go over everything next week and then he will be sending out a report after that.  He did tell me that ds was a "genius, but I think you knew that".  No, I didn't.  I mean I suspected he was gifted but wasn't sure.  He said that he will have to tally everything up but that ds "topped out" a few areas of the IQ test.  He also said that he had considerable trouble on the facial affect test (telling emotions from faces) and had trouble with impulsivity and focus at times.  So I know it will be a mixed report - truly reflecting both strengths and weaknesses.  

[PeterPan]

Best of luck!

 

We did our evaluations last week. Waiting was hard. That was the time that I had serious doubts about the whole process. What if these kids were just lazy or had a terrible teacher (me!)? Overall, it was a good experience. The kids have been formally identified with SLDs and I now have specific ways to help them. My only regret was not doing this sooner.

Amen!!  It is SO true.  People who wait and get the evals realize they could/should have done them WAY earlier, that they suffered needlessly.  

 

We did it.  Spent 4 1/2 hours including commute time on the whole neuro-psych thing.  I thought I could drop ds off and go have some girl shopping time with dd but was handed 309 (Dd counted!) more questions to answer and that took quite a bit of time.  We did get in a bit of shopping but not too much.  I'm pooped.  

 

The Psychologist talked to me a tiny bit at the start.  Ds threw me under the bus  and said that I hadn't told him why we were there for testing.  I've talked and talked to the kid about it!  And he had me come back for just a few minutes at the end.  We will have a meeting to go over everything next week and then he will be sending out a report after that.  He did tell me that ds was a "genius, but I think you knew that".  No, I didn't.  I mean I suspected he was gifted but wasn't sure.  He said that he will have to tally everything up but that ds "topped out" a few areas of the IQ test.  He also said that he had considerable trouble on the facial affect test (telling emotions from faces) and had trouble with impulsivity and focus at times.  So I know it will be a mixed report - truly reflecting both strengths and weaknesses.  

Awesome job surviving!!  That's hilarious on the 309 questions.  I knew we had a lot, but I didn't count them, lol.  Looks like the psych is totally nailing your dc and catching stuff, so that's terrific.  You know this, but getting that label is going to be hard.  Take someone with you to drive.  Actually, you probably already know this, but your dh REALLY needs to go along to that diagnosis talk with the psych where he tells you guys everything.  And that's pretty wild that he said GENIUS.  I don't think he would have said that if he hadn't meant it.  Our psych certainly never said it to us.  :)

[Scarlett]

nm

 

[Scarlett]

We did it.  Spent 4 1/2 hours including commute time on the whole neuro-psych thing.  I thought I could drop ds off and go have some girl shopping time with dd but was handed 309 (Dd counted!) more questions to answer and that took quite a bit of time.  We did get in a bit of shopping but not too much.  I'm pooped.  

 

The Psychologist talked to me a tiny bit at the start.  Ds threw me under the bus  and said that I hadn't told him why we were there for testing.  I've talked and talked to the kid about it!  And he had me come back for just a few minutes at the end.  We will have a meeting to go over everything next week and then he will be sending out a report after that.  He did tell me that ds was a "genius, but I think you knew that".  No, I didn't.  I mean I suspected he was gifted but wasn't sure.  He said that he will have to tally everything up but that ds "topped out" a few areas of the IQ test.  He also said that he had considerable trouble on the facial affect test (telling emotions from faces) and had trouble with impulsivity and focus at times.  So I know it will be a mixed report - truly reflecting both strengths and weaknesses.  

 

 

Wow.  That is really cool Jean.  Does the facial affect test indicate he might be on the spectrum?

[Tokyomarie]

Wow.  That is really cool Jean.  Does the facial affect test indicate he might be on the spectrum?

 

It is one test, amongst a number, that a psychologist may use to explore that possibility.

 

Jean, I'm glad to hear you made it through the testing session. I second the recommendation for your dh to attend the meeting where you get the results. He needs to be in the room so you both are hearing the same thing at the same time. I had a bad experience years ago when I got test results for one of our children. My dh wasn't present and when I relayed the information to him later about a particular concern and recommendation he did not handle the information well. It would have been much better for him to hear it directly from the professional. Years later, when we went through another evaluation process, I made sure my husband attended, even though he balked at the idea of taking time off from work. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

[kbutton]

So glad that the testing went well. I agree about having your husband go to the results chat.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm going to try to get dh to be there.  The problem is that the pysch. only has evenings open for those sessions and dh works evenings.  

[texasmama]

Yes, husband!  If he has to take off work or walk three miles uphill in the snow have him be there.  :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

OK now I'm being really real with you guys.  I'm on the fence as to if I want dh there.  On one hand I do understand the value of him hearing the doctor first hand and being able to ask questions.  On the other hand, ds is going to be there too (he told the Dr. he wants to be there and at almost 17 I definitely think he should be).  But if ds is there I don't want him to hear dh if he isn't totally supportive of what is said.  Also - dh really doesn't have anything to do with ds' schooling at all.  I do 100% of that.  And he didn't want me to really pursue this eval. and has had nothing to do with that either. 

[PeterPan]

Hmm, our first evals were young enough (12) that dd didn't think to want to be there.  Would the doc be willing to do two sessions, one short one (20-30  minutes) with your ds and a more normal length one with your dh and you?  I would think there would be some questions you'd want to ask that you might not ask in front of your ds.  For instance, when we did dd's evals we asked about pretty blunt things like long-term issues, jobs, is she safe to babysit, how it affects discipline, etc.  There was a lot of airing of stuff, kwim?  You might just give the psych a buzz and see what he suggests.  He might have a solution for you.

 

My concern about having that appointment with the dc there is that you don't get a chance to talk through things without the dc hearing.  YES he should have time to talk with that psych since he wants to.  However if the first time you hear things about therapy options or interventions or whatever is in front of him, then you don't have a chance to frame them a different way, kwim?  

[texasmama]

You and dh could ask to meet briefly with the psych without ds in order for dh to have his reaction. Would dh be open to your feedback about your concerns? My dh responds well to, for lack of a better word, being coached by me on what to avoid saying and why.

 

I hear your concerns and if you feel you wouldn't have the experience you and ds need with dh there then maybe he does not need to be there.

[Tokyomarie]

When our neuropsychologist is evaluating an under-18 adolescent, his usual practice for follow-up meetings is to meet the parents first for 45-60 minutes to give the full report and allow the parents to ask sensitive questions. At a later date (which happened one week later for our son), he meets with the teen client to give a teen friendly version of the results. That meeting lasted about 30 minutes or so. He also strongly requests that both parents be present for the parent meeting, unless there are extenuating circumstances (ie divorced parents who can't or won't be in the same room together; a seriously ill parent- that level of extenuating).

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I have no recommendations for who should be at the meeting but will pray that you will know who you should bring.

[Tiramisu]

The first brief eval we did, I had a private meeting with the ed. psych. and then she brought dd in later, from what I remember. Dd was 14 at the time. She did say some things that would have been traumatic for dd to hear, but they also didn't turn out to be true. One thing in particular was that she didn't think dd should ever go away to college because she thought I would still need to be highly involved during the college years. Now she's at college and managing completely on her own and doing well. (I can now officially update my siggy since she's now official a sophomore!) I remember that everything she said in front of dd was put in a positive light. I think she told her she could accomplish anything with the right supports.

 

NP did not bring dd in at all when she was 17 and it may have been helpful for things like giving her suggestions for staying organized and giving herself extra time for work. Things that parents could say all the time but are sometimes taken more seriously coming from someone else.

 

I completely understand Jean's concerns about having her dh there. I didn't even think of bringing my dh to the meetings. I know it would be best to bring dh in an ideal world, but if you get a dh who is very skeptical and is openly critical of the results in front of a dc, it might be very unhelpful. Her dh just might need to read the report and take his own time to process the information, let it sink in, and reflect on how it is consistent with what he's seen in real life for him to be convinced. I really don't have an answer but I can see where Jean is coming from. I agree with ElizabethB that it's something worth praying about.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks for the advice and support.  Dh and I had a talk last night when he came home from work.  He was so much more receptive than he's been even in the past week.  He would like me to see if the psych. can reschedule the meeting for a morning when he can be there.  I don't know if the psych. can do that or not so whether dh can be there will be determined by that.  If not, it will be ok. And if he can, I now think it will be ok too.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

PS - even yesterday when talking about why we were there, the psych was open and yet positive with both of ds and me.  Ds knows that he has problems.  He's really the one who pushed me to get him some kind of a diagnosis and help.  I don't know that having a diagnosis will necessarily be easy, but I think it might bring some closure and relief.  I don't totally know what the diagnosis will be.  I'm 99% sure of executive function issues of some kind, most likely a straight ADD diagnosis.  I flip from day to day, hour to hour on whether I think he would get an Asperger's diagnosis or whether he would be just off the spectrum.