Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Several people asked, so here it is. I have lived in a polyamorous household for over six years now, and have several poly friends as well, with varying arrangements. Ask away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you for starting this. Can you define polyamorous vs. polygamous? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Thanks for starting the thread. Was polyamory something that you were previously interested in or was it something that came about organically as you met your partners? How does it work practically: duties, time together, decision-making, childcare, earning power..... Please only answer the questions that you are comfortable with. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes, I'd also like to know if multiple romantic partners were something that was always a necessary part of your (or your partner's) life, or if the need became apparent after you (or your partners) met a specific person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Oh, so many questions!! Jealousy?? How do you deal with it? Knowing that the person you have teA with is having teA with someone else and being ok with that just boggles my little mind. Who suggested this relationship? Did any party have to be convinced? Why? What is the benefit? Sharing household duties? Do you share household duties?? How does it work financially? How do your kids explain their family to people? I'll stop there but I reserve the right to ask more questions later! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 If you are familiar with the reality tv shows that aim to show what polygamy is really like, would you consider them to be an accurate representation of most polygamists? Is polyamory faith-based like polygamy is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Okay, one more and I'll stop. For now, bwahahaha! Living a polyamorous is pretty fringe, right? By that I mean, you are living pretty far outside of the "norm" of society in America. What is that like? I can walk through the grocery store and see other Catholic, large, homeschooling families (or whatever else people use to define themselves). I wouldn't imagine that that is true for you. Does that make you feel special and unique or lonely? Being so "fringe", do you ever worry that something is wrong with your family? I promise I tried to come up with a nicer way to ask that question. I don't want to imply that something is wrong with your family, I'm just curious if you ever have those thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 A friend declares he is poly. His wife is not, nor is she okay with it. neither want a divorce. but he wants multiple partners and she is not OK with that. what do you say they should do? I'll second almost every question written above! I done know anyone IRL when I'm close enough to that I can ask these questions. Thanks for sharing c Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Is the poly family aspect a major reason for homeschooling? I can imagine that a kid in public school might come across a lot of traditional families and wind up feeling weird about his/her home situation. Also, if you were somehow choosing for your children, would you choose the same lifestyle for them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How are you viewed and treated by your family, friends, coworkers and neighbors? Does it make a difference to you? Do you have a set of morals/values you share with partners you live with? How are your children treated by other people who disagree with your life style, or do you not encounter any problems? Are you ok with one or all of your partners having other sex partners aside from you and simultaneously when they are your partners? Those are the questions that come to mind. Just as Kinsa, I have never known a person who openly admits s/he lives a polyamory life style. So I am also genuinely curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 OMG. Can't wait for the answers! I would love to know. I've only run into one group that I felt might be in such an arrangement but they were very tight lipped and never open for questions. I always wondered how one avoided being jealous or handled the household duties. I wish they could have been free to be open about it but it would have caused oodles of trouble for them. Do you worry about the legal aspect of it? Or others finding out and causing social issues? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My questions all essentially boil down to why polyamory? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How does each partner feel toward each of the others? Let's say there are 2 men and 2 women. How does man 1 feel toward man 2? How does man 1 feel toward woman 1? How does man 1 feel toward woman 2, etc? Is everyone heterosexual? Is everyone bisexual? Is it a mixture? This may be different in every case, I suppose. Is it usually one man with more than one woman, or does it work all ways? (Same number of sexes? One woman with two men?) Do you schedule time alone with each partner on a calendar to make sure everyone feels they get fair/equal time? If there are two men and one woman, how do they know whose child it is? Do they care? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 A friend declares he is poly. His wife is not, nor is she okay with it. neither want a divorce. but he wants multiple partners and she is not OK with that. what do you say they should do? I am not in any relationship, and I am not reporting as a "poly" but I am familiar. There is a difference between open marriage (which is often associated with making a distinction between sex, love, commitment with sex being for enjoyment and entertainment. People who are "swingers" (old term) are "in the lifestyle" (newer term). Polyamory is on the continuum of alternatives to traditional arrangements but typically encompass an openness beyond sexual play and into additional commitment and *relationship*. Your hypothetical reads more like wanting an "open marriage" in terms of sexual play rather than wanting to love and commit to more than one person. From a Marriage Therapist standpoint - one who is open to non traditional units - I would explore mutuality, motive, and power in the hypothetical couple and the traditionalist "wins" because there is no way to make a person poly if they are not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you for starting this. Can you define polyamorous vs. polygamous? I have to reply one at a time because I'm on my phone. Polyamory is much more free-form than polygamy. Polygamy is multiple-marriage, while polyamory is multiple-committed-relationships, including but not limited to marriage. Consent and communication are key functional ethics in polyamory. It is not faith-based. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I have to reply one at a time because I'm on my phone. Polyamory is much more free-form than polygamy. Polygamy is multiple-marriage, while polyamory is multiple-committed-relationships, including but not limited to marriage. Consent and communication are key functional ethics in polyamory. It is not faith-based. This is probably a stupid question, but would you desire that the law be changed to accept marriages between multiple partners, or do you feel that it doesn't matter? I was surprised to hear a gay couple recently say that it didn't matter to them (though they were clearly in support of those to whom it DOES matter) whether gay marriage was legally recognized because loving and being committed to a partner or partners was not exclusive to those who held a piece of paper. I thought that was a rather interesting point. Do you know any other polyamorous or polygamous families in your area? Is it offensive to lump polygamy and polyamory together? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Was polyamory something that you were previously interested in or was it something that came about organically as you met your partners? How does it work practically: duties, time together, decision-making, childcare, earning power..... Please only answer the questions that you are comfortable with. L Non-monogamy was something my husband and I agreed upon when we married. Our present relationship dynamic came about organically. GF (girlfriend) and DH dated when they were young--high school for her and just after for him. They went their separate ways but stayed in touch. When GF needed somewhere to go when leaving a bad relationship, we offered our home. What might have been temporary became long term. Time together: happens incidental to living together. Child care: GF is "second mom" to my kids, involved in the day to day but not the major decisions (though we discuss those as a family on occasion). I ask first when leaving the kids with her, and try not to take advantage there. DH and I are basically stepparents to her boys, who are teens and live primarily with their dad but come over whenever they want. Right now, GF is under-employed. She contributes what she can for households bills, but most of her paycheck goes to child support. When she earns more, she chips in more. DH and I are both students, so no one around here is rolling in dough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I once met three girls (about 7, 5, and 2) without their parents present at the park nearby. The two older ones and I played hacky sack and they volunteered to tell me that they had the same mom but one dad each; all three dads lived with them and the mom. At the time, I felt it was very strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Non-monogamy was something my husband and I agreed upon when we married. Our present relationship dynamic came about organically. GF (girlfriend) and DH dated when they were young--high school for her and just after for him. They went their separate ways but stayed in touch. When GF needed somewhere to go when leaving a bad relationship, we offered our home. What might have been temporary became long term. Time together: happens incidental to living together. Child care: GF is "second mom" to my kids, involved in the day to day but not the major decisions (though we discuss those as a family on occasion). I ask first when leaving the kids with her, and try not to take advantage there. DH and I are basically stepparents to her boys, who are teens and live primarily with their dad but come over whenever they want. Right now, GF is under-employed. She contributes what she can for households bills, but most of her paycheck goes to child support. When she earns more, she chips in more. DH and I are both students, so no one around here is rolling in dough. Do you and GF have a romantic relationship, either separate from or including dh? I know one other polyamorous family and they appear to all have separate physical relationships with each other. Is that typical? (Please feel free to ignore the question if it is too personal or inapprorpiate.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Non-monogamy was something my husband and I agreed upon when we married. Our present relationship dynamic came about organically. GF (girlfriend) and DH dated when they were young--high school for her and just after for him. They went their separate ways but stayed in touch. When GF needed somewhere to go when leaving a bad relationship, we offered our home. What might have been temporary became long term. Time together: happens incidental to living together. Child care: GF is "second mom" to my kids, involved in the day to day but not the major decisions (though we discuss those as a family on occasion). I ask first when leaving the kids with her, and try not to take advantage there. DH and I are basically stepparents to her boys, who are teens and live primarily with their dad but come over whenever they want. Right now, GF is under-employed. She contributes what she can for households bills, but most of her paycheck goes to child support. When she earns more, she chips in more. DH and I are both students, so no one around here is rolling in dough. So, it sounds like the GF is a relationship mostly between her and your DH, is that correct? Have you ever had a relationship outside of the one with your DH? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes, I'd also like to know if multiple romantic partners were something that was always a necessary part of your (or your partner's) life, or if the need became apparent after you (or your partners) met a specific person. I can't necessarily speak for my partners, but for me, monogamy just never made a lot of sense. I'm also not comfortable having too much of other people's emotional needs piled on me as an expectation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Does your marriage to your DH and not to your DW#2 mean that your commitment to your DH comes above your commitment to all the other people in your relationship? Would there be jealousy issues because of the marriage between partner#1 and #2 and the others being thought of as GF or BF etc. Are you and your DH the "permanent" people in this relationship because of your marriage to each other and do you think that you might change your other partners but not your spouse for long term? Is it OK for one spouse to have partners without the other spouse being involved in that relationship? How about society's reaction - if you work, go to school etc, and people have opinions that are not always welcoming or accepting, does it make you feel bad or upset? Or frustrated or lonely or sad? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Oh, so many questions!! Jealousy?? How do you deal with it? Knowing that the person you have teA with is having teA with someone else and being ok with that just boggles my little mind. Who suggested this relationship? Did any party have to be convinced? Why? What is the benefit? Sharing household duties? Do you share household duties?? How do your kids explain their family to people? I'll stop there but I reserve the right to ask more questions later! Jealousy: doesn't seem to be much of a problem for us. There's a concept in the poly community called compersion. It's the experience of being happy or experiencing pleasure from the happiness and pleasure of your partner(s). A non TeA related example would be happiness at seeing your spouse or child accomplish a goal they're working toward. Household duties: we're not super organized about it. Everyone just does what they see needs done. The kids: refer to non-legal-parents as step parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 If you are familiar with the reality tv shows that aim to show what polygamy is really like, would you consider them to be an accurate representation of most polygamists? Is polyamory faith-based like polygamy is? I doubt reality shows are ever 100% accurate. The only one about polyamory I know of aired on Showtime, so I haven't seen it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Is your arrangement one male with multiple females, or are there multiple males as well? I ask because all one ever hears about is one male with multiple females. I was wondering if there's ever any variation in that arrangement? Second question: Does jealousy ever come into the equation? Polyamory can be highly variable. We are a married couple + 1 woman. I have a friend who is in a household relationship with her husband + her boyfriend. Her husband also had a girlfriend (recently broke up) who kept her own apartment because she's very introverted and needed her space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 How is your family legally defined? I assume only one (if any) holds the actual marriage certificate. How are the others legally protected? How is marital property defined? DH and I are legally married. GF's legal status is that of anyone cohabiting outside marriage. We are all on the lease, and our income is pooled for calculating SNAP benefits because we all eat together. We don't own any real property, but when we buy a house we plan on placing it in a joint or common tenancy for the three of us to give GF security. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Did any of you grow up in a polyamorous household? If not, are there any others who live this way in your extended families? What are the benefits that you perceive from this type of relationship as opposed to monogamy? Drawbacks? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I am not in any relationship, and I am not reporting as a "poly" but I am familiar. There is a difference between open marriage (which is often associated with making a distinction between sex, love, commitment with sex being for enjoyment and entertainment. People who are "swingers" (old term) are "in the lifestyle" (newer term). Polyamory is on the continuum of alternatives to traditional arrangements but typically encompass an openness beyond sexual play and into additional commitment and *relationship*. Your hypothetical reads more like wanting an "open marriage" in terms of sexual play rather than wanting to love and commit to more than one person. From a Marriage Therapist standpoint - one who is open to non traditional units - I would explore mutuality, motive, and power in the hypothetical couple and the traditionalist "wins" because there is no way to make a person poly if they are not. Not a hypothetical. my best friend is dealing with this in her family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Is there a plan in place if/when your kids get older and they absolutely do not like someone you've brought into the relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 How do you discuss this with your children? For the GF's teen children, what has been their response? Any tips for people looking into this for themselves? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 A friend declares he is poly. His wife is not, nor is she okay with it. neither want a divorce. but he wants multiple partners and she is not OK with that. what do you say they should do? I'll second almost every question written above! I done know anyone IRL when I'm close enough to that I can ask these questions. Thanks for sharing c Not a hypothetical. my best friend is dealing with this in her family That poor friend, she must be experiencing a lot of pain and fear. By the words used, it sounds like the husband is asking for an open marriage, which is different than polyamory - an open marriage is usually a desire for additional sexual intimacy but not an expression of love, care, and commitment to additional persons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 All my questions have been asked. I have a friend in a poly relationship. She and her wife are both bi and then their husband is straight. It works seriously well for them. I guess I do have one question. Are you open to adding another (adult) member of the family? How would you go about it if you were? Or are you just happy the three of you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Were there other poly relationships within your marriage before the gf came into the picture? I hope that doesn't come across like I think this is some casual thin where partners are added and subtracted willy nilly. I'm just not quite sure how else to word it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Am I the only one who's thinking that Ravin is going to have to stay online all night if she ever hopes to answer all of these questions? :) It was very kind of you to start this thread, Ravin! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I doubt reality shows are ever 100% accurate. The only one about polyamory I know of aired on Showtime, so I haven't seen it. I think you might be talking about Big Love, which was a fictional drama. Good show, though it was about polygamists rather than polyamorists. The one I was referring to was Sister Wives on TLC. They are also polygamists rather than polyamorists and are portrayed in a very positive light, in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Okay, one more and I'll stop. For now, bwahahaha! Living a polyamorous is pretty fringe, right? By that I mean, you are living pretty far outside of the "norm" of society in America. What is that like? I can walk through the grocery store and see other Catholic, large, homeschooling families (or whatever else people use to define themselves). I wouldn't imagine that that is true for you. Does that make you feel special and unique or lonely? Being so "fringe", do you ever worry that something is wrong with your family? I promise I tried to come up with a nicer way to ask that question. I don't want to imply that something is wrong with your family, I'm just curious if you ever have those thoughts. It's not the only way I'm fringe. And normal is boring. I decided long ago I was better off reveling in my weirdness, and have found community in religious and hobby groups full of non-judgmental people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 A friend declares he is poly. His wife is not, nor is she okay with it. neither want a divorce. but he wants multiple partners and she is not OK with that. what do you say they should do? I'll second almost every question written above! I done know anyone IRL when I'm close enough to that I can ask these questions. Thanks for sharing c Poly only works with everyone on board. Sounds like he has a choice to make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Is the poly family aspect a major reason for homeschooling? I can imagine that a kid in public school might come across a lot of traditional families and wind up feeling weird about his/her home situation. Also, if you were somehow choosing for your children, would you choose the same lifestyle for them? The two were completely independent decisions, though both may be rooted in my not feeling anchored or tied down by the status quo. I would choose for my children to be in relationships that make them happy and promote their emotional and spiritual growth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 This is a more personal question, so I apologize if it's inappropriate, How does your gender transition play into your polyamory? What does your husband think,and what effect will this have on the different adult relationships within your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 It's not the only way I'm fringe. And normal is boring. I decided long ago I was better off reveling in my weirdness, and have found community in religious and hobby groups full of non-judgmental people.What kind of parents did you grow up with? Have you experienced any trauma in any way? Ere you abused or neglected? When did you find out you would be better off if you changed your gender? Is this part of staying not bored? I am very curious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 This is interesting. I have a dear friend in a poly relationship. Or at least, they have are actively attempting it. So far there haven't been any real relationships, as they are both very low drama and have a difficult time findinging a GF that is as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Okay, one more then I'll stop. (LOL) Ravin, this one is going to be insensitive, and I've debated about whether or not to even post it, but I'm honestly curious about your response. I've discussed polygamy/polyamory with friends before, and the conversation usually comes around to this: Only someone who has low self-esteem or a low concept of "self" could possibly be in that type of relationship. The people in poly relationships don't feel they are "worthy" of deserving monogamous love from someone. That's the only explanation for why they would endure that type of emotional abuse. Not saying that I agree (the people on the TLC show Sister Wives seem rather secure in who they are), so I'm wondering how you would respond to that sort of assessment? I'm not currently poly, but some of my best friends are. I would say that statement is VERY far off. I can't imagine successfully being poly or open with poor self-esteem. It takes a lot of courage and a high sense of self-worth to be able to maneuver within that lifestyle with jealousy and negative social opinions around you. That's just my two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I've discussed polygamy/polyamory with friends before, and the conversation usually comes around to this: Only someone who has low self-esteem or a low concept of "self" could possibly be in that type of relationship. The people in poly relationships don't feel they are "worthy" of deserving monogamous love from someone. That's the only explanation for why they would endure that type of emotional abuse. Not saying that I agree (the people on the TLC show Sister Wives seem rather secure in who they are), so I'm wondering how you would respond to that sort of assessment? I can tell you that knowing my friend in a poly relationship, that's is 100% not the case for her. She has very high self-esteem. And their relationship is not abusive emotionally or otherwise. Their relationship is such that each person has love from two others. I know not all poly relationships are like that (some are incredibly complex), but my friend loves her husband and her wife. The wife is loved by my friend and their husband. The husband is loved by both wives. I actually kind of think that those who choose to enter into poly relationships of their own free will (and not religious reasons) are rather secure in themselves and their choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Okay, one more then I'll stop. (LOL) Ravin, this one is going to be insensitive, and I've debated about whether or not to even post it, but I'm honestly curious about your response. I've discussed polygamy/polyamory with friends before, and the conversation usually comes around to this: Only someone who has low self-esteem or a low concept of "self" could possibly be in that type of relationship. The people in poly relationships don't feel they are "worthy" of deserving monogamous love from someone. That's the only explanation for why they would endure that type of emotional abuse. Not saying that I agree (the people on the TLC show Sister Wives seem rather secure in who they are), so I'm wondering how you would respond to that sort of assessment? IME, the mental health level of the people in a sub-culture depend upon the reason people choose the lifestyle. This is especially true of alternative to traditional coupling. IME, there tends to be more substance abuse in "the lifestyle" community (swingers) than the general public. This is multi-caused, but one of those causes is that people wish to lower inhibition to participate. This *may* indicate that the person is not authentically "open" but seeking to bolster the behavior with some chemical assist. People who *are* polyamory (which is distinct from swingers) will often report that the "only people with low self esteem" meme comes from people who hold monogamy as a standard. Poly people don't hold that as an inherent standard, therefore departure from it isn't considered a reduction or compromise. Does that make sense? I have observed, though (and being a part of several sub cultures) a higher percentage of dyshealth in sub cultures. I am not saying being in one = dyshealth but people come to sub cultures from some life experience that (if untreated, or undertreated) can be dyshealth. I've seen in with homeschoolers, unschoolers, AP, lifestyle, and polyamory. I've intimately known several poly persons and poly groupings. Self esteem ranged, just like the general population. Poly is complicated, particularly immersed in a traditional culture, and how poly plays out in a person's life is influenced by the person's self esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Another "Not poly but familiar with it"... Oh, so many questions!! Jealousy?? How do you deal with it? Knowing that the person you have teA with is having teA with someone else and being ok with that just boggles my little mind. Who suggested this relationship? Did any party have to be convinced? Why? What is the benefit? Sharing household duties? Do you share household duties?? How does it work financially? How do your kids explain their family to people? I'll stop there but I reserve the right to ask more questions later! Jealousy - people have different jealousy thresholds. Some people can't stand the thought of their partner having been in a relationship with someone else before them, or getting remarried after their death; some are totally ok with this. Some don't want their partner even looking/talking to a member of the opposite sex; some have no problem with that. Some don't want their partner looking at porn; some are ok with that. Some wouldn't want their partner being involved with someone else, but aren't hurt if their partner commented on someone being attractive. Some people are ok with their partner sleeping with someone else, but not with them being romantically/emotionally involved. Some are ok with all of the above. Benefits - From a TeA standpoint, it can be helpful when partners have disparate sex drives or interests. From a financial standpoint, living communally tends to be less expensive than living separately (though being poly doesn't require living together any more than being in a standard committed dating relationship requires living together). From a household chores perspective, having another person around to share the work really does help. We do have a long-term housemate whom we are not romantically involved with, and it is so nice not to have to be responsible for 100% of the cooking, cleaning, etc. Is your arrangement one male with multiple females, or are there multiple males as well? I ask because all one ever hears about is one male with multiple females. I was wondering if there's ever any variation in that arrangement?Second question: Does jealousy ever come into the equation? There's every variation you can think of. One male with multiple females is what people hear about because the media tends to focus most heavily on people in religiously motivated or inspired polygamous relationships, and the religions in question tend to be patriarchal. I'd guess that one male, multiple females tends to be a little more common even in non-religious polyamorous relationships for societal and biological reasons, but there's definitely endless variation. A friend declares he is poly. His wife is not, nor is she okay with it. neither want a divorce. but he wants multiple partners and she is not OK with that. what do you say they should do?I'll second almost every question written above! I done know anyone IRL when I'm close enough to that I can ask these questions. Thanks for sharing c Polyamory is supposed to be consensual for all parties involved. Someone can cheat within a polyamorous relationship structure if they do something that goes against the ground rules of the relationship (eg. dating someone their partner isn't ok with). I agree with Joanne that, in this situation, the wife's preference wins out. But not because she's the traditionalist. He's attempting to change the ground rules (tacit or explicit) of their relationship. If she went into the relationship knowing he felt this way and without an agreement to be monogamous, then she's the one trying to change the ground rules, and the answer would be a lot less clear to me. My questions all essentially boil down to why polyamory? If it works for them, why not? Is it offensive to lump polygamy and polyamory together? I don't know about offensive, but it's inaccurate. Polyamory means loving multiple people. Polygamy means being in a marriage with multiple partners. The two can overlap, but don't always. From a practical standpoint - people talking about polygamy are usually talking about religiously motivated polygamy, with one male and multiple females, where the situation is often nonconsensual and/or coercive. Polyamory is, in theory, the opposite - everyone involved is consenting. So it's inaccurate to lump them together from that perspective as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 When did you find out you would be better off if you changed your gender?. Did I miss something up thread or is this common board knowledge? Clearly I missed something somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Did I miss something up thread or is this common board knowledge? Clearly I missed something somewhere.This info was mentioned by OP in her other post. A PP also recalled it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 contessa - she brought it up in another post a couple of months ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadeOrchidSong Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Also mentioned in post #42 by another person who also remembers the info from two months ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I'm not currently poly, but some of my best friends are. I would say that statement is VERY far off. I can't imagine successfully being poly or open with poor self-esteem. It takes a lot of courage and a high sense of self-worth to be able to maneuver within that lifestyle with jealousy and negative social opinions around you. That's just my two cents. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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