Am I Wrong? (Update in Post 105)

[Plateau Mama]

My daughter plays Select Softball. This is her first year of select. At the end of June is the state tournament. It's the big tournament of the year. She can't miss it. It's about 4 hours away. I had planned we would all go as a family. (Most weekends I do the softball tournaments and DH does whatever the boys have, scouts, t-ball, etc.)

 

DH found out this week that Cher & Cyndi Lauper will be in concert that Saturday. He loves them. We have seen them in concert twice. We've seen Cyndi several times w/o Cher. So he now wants to go to the concert instead of coming to the tournament and take my 12 yo, simply because he doesn't want to go alone. The tickets he's planning on buying are $200/each.

 

I think spending $200 on a ticket for my son is insane. He doesn't even know who they are. We took him to see Cyndi when she played at the Zoo (kids were free). He enjoyed it but doesn't remember it.

 

I think it sends the wrong message to my daughter. He really doesn't go to many of her games. Part is the schedule of the boys but the main reason is he thinks it's a waste of time to sit all day watching softball. He'd rather be home where he can be working on the computer between the boys activities.

 

We will be paying private school tuition for two kids next year. He keeps talking about us needing to save money. I didn't really get my son a birthday present for his birthday in the name of saving. I gave him my husbands Kindle instead of buying a new one for him. (He lost his. It's somewhere in the house but it's been lost for 2 months. So, I don't feel too bad not actually buying a new one.) But, in the name of saving should he spend $400 to go to a concert? I see it as that would pay for their uniforms for next year.

 

Thoughts? Am I wrong?

 

I will say if the concert was any other day if would be happy for him to go and I'd go with him. I wouldn't like spending the money, but I'm cheap.

[Catwoman]

Your dh should suck it up and skip the concert.

 

It's not about the money. It's about prioritizing his dd.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You planned to go as a family.  Did your dh plan to go as a family too?  If he did, then he has a prior engagement that shouldn't be tossed simply because something better came along.  I do agree that dh "should" put family first but I think that needs to come from him.

 

 

[J-rap]

No, you're right.

[JustEm]

Does your dd care if he's there? When I was younger and played sports I never cared you went to my games. I knew it wasn't a reflection of their love for me so them going or not didn't mean a thing to me. If your dh had agreed to go to the game then he should stick to that unless everyone is OK with him not going.

[SproutMamaK]

You're not wrong.

[bettyandbob]

Based your description, your dh sounds selfish. I'd give him a pass if he'd never had a chance to see these acts, but it sounds like he's spent money to see them multiple times. Yes, concerts with your favorite artists are fun. HOWEVER, seeing your dd do something she enjoys and cheering her on is important (even when the activity is one that does not interest you).

[Tohru]

Not a popular opinion, but I'd let my husband go to the concert because otherwise he'd be sitting in the bleachers with his mind on what he could've been doing instead...And if he wanted to take our son, I'd let him to that too.  Although I would ask him to a schedule a special date with our daughter and/or promise to attend a different family event.

 

Have you asked your daughter if she cares whether he goes to the concert or the game?  That is probably more important.

 

 

[Plateau Mama]

You planned to go as a family.  Did your dh plan to go as a family too?  If he did, then he has a prior engagement that shouldn't be tossed simply because something better came along.  I do agree that dh "should" put family first but I think that needs to come from him.

When HE decided she could play select we agreed that I would do the local weekend tournaments and that we would travel together, unless it conflicted with a Boy Scout outing. While he doesn't know the exact dates he knows there are three travel tournaments.

 

  

Does your dd care if he's there? When I was younger and played sports I never cared you went to my games. I knew it wasn't a reflection of their love for me so them going or not didn't mean a thing to me. If your dh had agreed to go to the game then he should stick to that unless everyone is OK with him not going.

She doesn't seem to care. She just wants to play ball. I care because I don't want to drive 4 hours each way by myself. I also don't want to have to be in charge of the 6 yo all weekend. He offered to keep him, but then my mom would have to watch him while he goes to the concert. I also want the boys to go. The weather will be super warm, the hotel will have a pool, they will have a blast.

[Paige]

I don't think you're wrong, but there's little you can do. Your spouse is a grown up and can make his own choices. Does your 12yo want to go? I'd be inclined to say DH can do what he wants but I'll be taking 12yo DS w/me as planned. DH could find a friend if he wanted but I would insist that my DS support his sister.

[Trish]

Does your DH do this Time After Time? Is he showing his True Colors? I know Dads Just Want To Have Fun, but, I BELIEVE this is a little over the top. See, I'm afraid if DH misses too many events like this, he will someday realize he missed a good chunk of her whole childhood, and at that point he'll want to Turn Back Time.

 

It's time for DH to man up and say, "I've Got YOU, Babe!"

 

Yeah, this strikes me as super wasteful, too. Go to the game and pretend to care!

[Danestress]

The 400 dollars would bother me.

 

But you say YOU had planned that you go as a family. I wonder how much your DH even wants to do this. A softball tournament sounds pretty hellish to me, even if my own child is playing. I would probably not make that a family event anyway.

 

We travel a lot with our athlete. Sometimes I go, sometimes DH goes. We never go as a family unless the tournament is somewhere that is vacation worthy - like Hilton Head. The whole scene of cheering/yelling/yakking parents could only be made worse by the whole family sharing a hotel room. I am introvert, though.

 

My bigger concern would be that it sounds like you two are dividing along the same lines when In town - you go to her soft ball stuff, he is with your son. I think your daughter may eventually feel that her father did not support and invest in her like he did his boys. I might give him grace about the concert but get a lot firmer about how I want our overall lives to look. You daughter deserves his time and attention, and one on one time is priceless.

[edelweiss]

Does your DH do this Time After Time? Is he showing his True Colors? I know Dads Just Want To Have Fun, but, I BELIEVE this is a little over the top. See, I'm afraid if DH misses too many events like this, he will someday realize he missed a good chunk of her whole childhood, and at that point he'll want to Turn Back Time.

 

It's time for DH to man up and say, "I've Got YOU, Babe!"

 

Yeah, this strikes me as super wasteful, too. Go to the game and pretend to care!

:lol:  :hurray:   This totally cracked me up!

[Plateau Mama]

The 400 dollars would bother me.

But you say YOU had planned that you go as a family. I wonder how much your DH even wants to do this. A softball tournament sounds pretty hellish to me, even if my own child is playing. I would probably not make that a family event anyway.

We travel a lot with our athlete. Sometimes I go, sometimes DH goes. We never go as a family unless the tournament is somewhere that is vacation worthy - like Hilton Head. The whole scene of cheering/yelling/yakking parents could only be made worse by the whole family sharing a hotel room. I am introvert, though.

My bigger concern would be that it sounds like you two are dividing along the same lines when In town - you go to her soft ball stuff, he is with your son. I think your daughter may eventually feel that her father did not support and invest in her like he did his boys. I might give him grace about the concert but get a lot firmer about how I want our overall lives to look. You daughter deserves his time and attention, and one on one time is priceless.

We decided that the local tournaments would fall on me and the travel tournaments we would go as a family. I don't even care if they all go to all the games. I'd be happy for them to spend extra time at the pool swimming or going on an adventure. We are only talking 3 weekends a year. One of the siblings on the team is a good friend of my 6yo's. They have been softball buddies for 3-4 years now.

 

The lines were divided they way they are for a reason. My Son has scouts on Fridays and outings or events 1-2x a month. DH needs to be available for those because he is a leader. It was easier to split it up this way than negotiate every weekend. DH is not a morning person so it is easier on everyone if I get her up and go in the mornings.

 

I even told him that if he wanted to go to the concert in another city that would be fine. They are playing about a mile from his parents. Yes, it would be more expensive to do that, but he could see his parents and see the concert. His mom would be overjoyed and probably been pay for everything.

[regentrude]

I do not see right or wrong here- I think you both have different perspectives.

Your post brought up two different issues: the game, and the money for tickets.

You said if the concert was any other day you would be happy to have him go - so apparently, it is not about the money (I agree that spending this much money on a ticket for  a child who won't appreciate it is ridiculous).

As for the tournament: I consider driving 4 hours away for a ball tournament over the top and do not think kids need to have their parents as spectators for their activities. If she plays that does not mean the entire family needs to spend eight hours in the car to see the tournament, unless you all genuinely enjoy watching the activity.

You wrote that *you* had planned that you all should go; I wonder whether you consulted DH's opinion on whether *he* wants to do this.

 

 

 

[Joker]

I don't think you're wrong at all. We all just traveled as a family to a theatre festival for oldest that was four hours one way. I went with dd to her activities because I was a chaperone, but dh and youngest did their own thing while there. He went to help with driving and because we were all together in the evening at the hotel.

 

OP has repeatedly said, "We decided...", when referring to how they would handle the away tournaments so I don't think her dh should be changing things at the last minute. The OP also indicated above that it was her dh who decided their dd would play this level of ball, so it seems even more wrong that he can't at least help with driving and attend those tournaments they agreed to in the beginning.

[JustEm]

If going as a family to travel tournaments was the deal then your dh is wrong. He needs to stop being selfish and stick to his word. Sit down with him and explain to him how you need his help that weekend and that you both originally agreed that travel tournaments were family events. Discuss how if that is an issue for him then when it comes time to discuss next season a new arrangement can be discussed but changing the arrangement during the season to fit his wants is unacceptable and is a bad example to the children. We can't all have what we want when we want it. He made a commitment and needs to stick to it.

[Plateau Mama]

I do not see right or wrong here- I think you both have different perspectives.

Your post brought up two different issues: the game, and the money for tickets.

You said if the concert was any other day you would be happy to have him go - so apparently, it is not about the money (I agree that spending this much money on a ticket for a child who won't appreciate it is ridiculous).

As for the tournament: I consider driving 4 hours away for a ball tournament over the top and do not think kids need to have their parents as spectators for their activities. If she plays that does not mean the entire family needs to spend eight hours in the car to see the tournament, unless you all genuinely enjoy watching the activity.

You wrote that *you* had planned that you all should go; I wonder whether you consulted DH's opinion on whether *he* wants to do this.

The money bothers me, but I know he will spend it anyway. He makes the money and if he wants to spend it I've never told him no. I will ask if we should be spending it but I never tell him no.

 

I did consult him. But I do all the planning/scheduling for the household. DH just wants to be told what he has going on the following weekend. I'm the one who gets the room, plans the meals etc. that is why I said I planned.

 

This has nothing to do with me not discussing with him and everything about him having an obsession over Cyndi Lauper and a lesser degree Cher. If he could be a groupie and travel around seeing them he totally would. I can tell you some crazy things he's wanted to do in the name of Cyndi.

[Catwoman]

If going as a family to travel tournaments was the deal then your dh is wrong. He needs to stop being selfish and stick to his word. Sit down with him and explain to him how you need his help that weekend and that you both originally agreed that travel tournaments were family events. Discuss how if that is an issue for him then when it comes time to discuss next season a new arrangement can be discussed but changing the arrangement during the season to fit his wants is unexceptable and is a bad example to the children. We can't all have what we want when we want it. He made a commitment and needs to stick to it.

:iagree:

 

I'm sure she doesn't feel particularly excited about traveling four hours each way to the tournament, either, but her husband sounds incredibly selfish for wanting her to do it all on her own, just so he can see a stupid concert.

 

It's not like he's visiting his dying grandma or anything.

 

I think he's way out of line, and I don't blame her for being very annoyed. My dh would never pull a stunt like that!

[Plateau Mama]

Also, I did offer to see if grandpa/grandma would be willing to go in our place. I also told him to see how much our college age babysitter would charge to take her for the weekend. He didn't like those options because he feels a parent (ie me) should be with her. (I don't like either of those options either, but I was trying to figure out a way for us to go because he really wants me to go too).

 

Now before you get on me for being willing to send her with a sitter let me say this. She has been watching our kids for 6 years. I absolutely adore her. Her mom is a good friend of mine. There are two families on the team that I have known for years. They have played ball together for the last 4 years. They would watch her like their own.

[shawthorne44]

Since he could see the concert near his parents, and for probably cheaper since you said his mom would probably pick up the cost of the tickets, I think he is just trying to weasel out of the tournament.  It does sound incredibly boring, but you decide on that part BEFORE signing your daughter up for softball.  

 

But, even if this was his last chance to see the concert, he should go to the tournament.  

[Catwoman]

Also, I did offer to see if grandpa/grandma would be willing to go in our place. I also told him to see how much our college age babysitter would charge to take her for the weekend. He didn't like those options because he feels a parent (ie me) should be with her. (I don't like either of those options either, but I was trying to figure out a way for us to go because he really wants me to go too).

 

Now before you get on me for being willing to send her with a sitter let me say this. She has been watching our kids for 6 years. I absolutely adore her. Her mom is a good friend of mine. There are two families on the team that I have known for years. They have played ball together for the last 4 years. They would watch her like their own.

OK, now I'm confused.

 

I thought the reason you wanted your dh to go was because you wanted him to spend time with your dd, and because this was supposed to be a family trip.

 

Now you're thinking of hiring a sitter to take her so you and your dh can both go to the concert? :confused:

 

I hate to say this, because you know I really like you, but it's starting to sound like you're both being selfish.

 

I know I'm missing something here. I seem to have completely misinterpreted your OP, or else I'm completely misinterpreting this one. Sorry to be so clueless, but I'm not sure what's really going on.

 

But I can't get past him saying a parent should go on the trip... but he doesn't want to be that parent. :glare: That would not fly at my house.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Oh, Wow. You're not wrong.  Discounting the somewhat odd fascination/obsession (I love Cyndi too), he agreed to travel with you and DC on long trips.  End of discussion. You prefer not to be on the road with DD and younger DC (6y.o.), right?  You can't be there for DD, if she needs something and also chase Dc (again the 6 y.o.) around a busy park.  You need a second parent.  Even if you left the younger child at home there is still the drive to consider.  My father only ever attended 1 activity of mine growing up.  I remember saying I didn't mind (he had issues with crowds) but I was lying.  He was missed.  My poor mom had to go from one activity to another with us 3 girls without his help and companionship(they we not a "team" and ended up divorced).  My DH will occasionally try to pull that, NOPE, not happening, we are a team and I can only "play" if he's there with me.  His children need him to be a presence in their life no matter what his wants and hang-ups are.  As PP's suggested; sit him down and explain why this matters, your concern over travelling, the family time spent at the pool, a picnic lunch at the ballpark.  If this doesn't move him, I'd look into family/marriage counselling when I got home. Good luck, and good luck to your daughter.

[JustEm]

After reading that you've offered suggestions and he doesn't like them because a parent should bring her I'd put my foot down and say "fine a parent can take her. Have fun!" If my dh ever tried to pull that shit, he wouldn't, he would be taking dd to the game. I would go as far as tearing up the concert tickets or reselling them if he had the nerve to make that decision on his own.

 

I'm sorry he's being incredibly selfish.

 

Also, I did offer to see if grandpa/grandma would be willing to go in our place. I also told him to see how much our college age babysitter would charge to take her for the weekend. He didn't like those options because he feels a parent (ie me) should be with her. (I don't like either of those options either, but I was trying to figure out a way for us to go because he really wants me to go too).

 

Now before you get on me for being willing to send her with a sitter let me say this. She has been watching our kids for 6 years. I absolutely adore her. Her mom is a good friend of mine. There are two families on the team that I have known for years. They have played ball together for the last 4 years. They would watch her like their own.

[zoobie]

I would think my husband had lost his marbles if he wanted to go to a Cher concert and call the authorities...

 

I'm on your side. DH agreed to travel as a family, and we do things for our kids to support them that we wouldn't necessarily want to do. He could be a Cyndi groupie if he were single, but he's a dad. If he had pre-planned the concert, or if it were a one-in-a-lifetime experience (winning a contest, something???), that would be different. I'm sure there's something you could find within several hours and $400 that you would prefer over a softball tournament.

[JustEm]

Well she said her dd doesn't care who is there so I would imagine she has suggested many things in order to have everyone happy. She doesn't want to travel alone and had intended the family to go together. She would have her dh's help. I imagine in an attempt to please him while not adding burden on her she decided someone else could do the traveling since she had no help from dh. Or maybe I'm trying to see how she's not being selfish.

 

OK, now I'm confused.

 

I thought the reason you wanted your dh to go was because you wanted him to spend time with your dd, and because this was supposed to be a family trip.

 

Now you're thinking of hiring a sitter to take her so you and your dh can both go to the concert? :confused:

 

I hate to say this, because you know I really like you, but it's starting to sound like you're both being selfish.

 

I know I'm missing something here. I seem to have completely misinterpreted your OP, or else I'm completely misinterpreting this one. Sorry to be so clueless, but I'm not sure what's really going on.

[Catwoman]

Well she said her dd doesn't care who is there so I would imagine she has suggested many things in order to have everyone happy. She doesn't want to travel alone and had intended the family to go together. She would have her dh's help. I imagine in an attempt to please him while not adding burden on her she decided someone else could do the traveling since she had no help from dh. Or maybe I'm trying to see how she's not being selfish.

 

 

I'm sure you're right.

 

She never seems like a selfish person, so I had a feeling I was reading her post the wrong way!

 

I guess I was just thinking that if I was in her situation and my dh wanted to go to a concert instead of on a planned family trip, there's no way I'd put up with that.

 

And seriously, Cyndi Lauper and Cher??? :svengo:

 

(Sorry. I know that sounds snarky!!!)

[Plateau Mama]

Well she said her dd doesn't care who is there so I would imagine she has suggested many things in order to have everyone happy. She doesn't want to travel alone and had intended the family to go together. She would have her dh's help. I imagine in an attempt to please him while not adding burden on her she decided someone else could do the traveling since she had no help from dh. Or maybe I'm trying to see how she's not being selfish.

 

 

This pretty much sums it up. If you were only going to go to one tournament this is the one to go to. This is the one they work all year for. I would hate to miss it but I was trying to appease my husband. Grandpa loves watching her play and he tends to fill in for me when we have to be in three different places so I offered that as a possible alternative. The babysitter was sort of a joke, but had he agreed I would have gone with it.

 

I don't really want to drive 4 hours just me, my daughter and 6 yo. Unlike local tournaments when I know the area & safety I would not let my 6 yo out of my sight and it's not fair for him to sit for 3 days watching softball. With both parents we can tag team the weekend.

 

Next month we are doing a tournament for Memorial Weekend. If he wanted to back out of that I'd probably be ok with it. It's only 2.5 hours away, so not a big deal to drive. It's also not THE tournament of the year.

[Plateau Mama]

 

And seriously, Cyndi Lauper and Cher??? :svengo:

 

(Sorry. I know that sounds snarky!!!)

I'm there with you, but hey I just go with it. I will say Cher puts on one hell of a show both onstage and her audience. I never know which is more entertaining.

[zoobie]

Well she said her dd doesn't care who is there so I would imagine she has suggested many things in order to have everyone happy. She doesn't want to travel alone and had intended the family to go together. She would have her dh's help. I imagine in an attempt to please him while not adding burden on her she decided someone else could do the traveling since she had no help from dh. Or maybe I'm trying to see how she's not being selfish.

 

 

Yeah, a spontaneous adult getaway for mom and dad with some adoring adult taking DD could be fun for everyone. But it sounds like she was making the suggestion to point out the ludicrous one-sidedness of his idea. ;)

[Catwoman]

This pretty much sums it up. If you were only going to go to one tournament this is the one to go to. This is the one they work all year for. I would hate to miss it but I was trying to appease my husband. Grandpa loves watching her play and he tends to fill in for me when we have to be in three different places so I offered that as a possible alternative. The babysitter was sort of a joke, but had he agreed I would have gone with it.

 

I don't really want to drive 4 hours just me, my daughter and 6 yo. Unlike local tournaments when I know the area & safety I would not let my 6 yo out of my sight and it's not fair for him to sit for 3 days watching softball. With both parents we can tag team the weekend.

 

Next month we are doing a tournament for Memorial Weekend. If he wanted to back out of that I'd probably be ok with it. It's only 2.5 hours away, so not a big deal to drive. It's also not THE tournament of the year.

OK, I'm back to him being selfish and you being sensible.

 

As it should be. ;)

 

Thanks for the clarification! :)

[scrapbookbuzz]

Your dh should suck it up and skip the concert.

 

It's not about the money. It's about prioritizing his dd.

 

This! Exactly this.

[JustEm]

So for him is it a done argument?  Has he decided he's going to the concert and is planning to buy or has already gotten them?  Or is it still open for discussion?  I would have a serious problem with my dh being this selfish.  It might be one thing if it were a once in a lifetime event but this is not.  He's seen them before, he can see them on a different date.  My respect for my dh would be at an all time low if he chose a concert with all the details you've given, especially knowing he's acknowledged that at least one parent should be with her. 

 

I hope you 2 figure out something that works for your family, in which you are both happy with. If it were me I'd say he can go to his concert but he takes her to the next tournament and you get to spend $400 doing whatever you want while he has her and the 6 year old!

This pretty much sums it up. If you were only going to go to one tournament this is the one to go to. This is the one they work all year for. I would hate to miss it but I was trying to appease my husband. Grandpa loves watching her play and he tends to fill in for me when we have to be in three different places so I offered that as a possible alternative. The babysitter was sort of a joke, but had he agreed I would have gone with it.

I don't really want to drive 4 hours just me, my daughter and 6 yo. Unlike local tournaments when I know the area & safety I would not let my 6 yo out of my sight and it's not fair for him to sit for 3 days watching softball. With both parents we can tag team the weekend.

Next month we are doing a tournament for Memorial Weekend. If he wanted to back out of that I'd probably be ok with it. It's only 2.5 hours away, so not a big deal to drive. It's also not THE tournament of the year.

 

[bettyandbob]

This pretty much sums it up. If you were only going to go to one tournament this is the one to go to. This is the one they work all year for. I would hate to miss it but I was trying to appease my husband. Grandpa loves watching her play and he tends to fill in for me when we have to be in three different places so I offered that as a possible alternative. The babysitter was sort of a joke, but had he agreed I would have gone with it.

 

I don't really want to drive 4 hours just me, my daughter and 6 yo. Unlike local tournaments when I know the area & safety I would not let my 6 yo out of my sight and it's not fair for him to sit for 3 days watching softball. With both parents we can tag team the weekend.

 

Next month we are doing a tournament for Memorial Weekend. If he wanted to back out of that I'd probably be ok with it. It's only 2.5 hours away, so not a big deal to drive. It's also not THE tournament of the year.

 

It should be straight forward that he agreed to do family for three tournaments.

 

Tag teaming is what dh and I have done for years. It should be obvious that you monitoring the 6 yo for 3 days while trying to deal with the tournament.

 

The other option is for you to go ALONE, no other children besides dd. That means no one goes to a concert either.

 

Really dh should go on the trip and take the two boys out to do stuff some of the time (usually these tournaments are in tourist areas that have lots of activities). Then, meet up with you and dd for pool time at the hotel.

[Danestress]

The lines were divided they way they are for a reason. My Son has scouts on Fridays and outings or events 1-2x a month. DH needs to be available for those because he is a leader. It was easier to split it up this way than negotiate every weekend. DH is not a morning person so it is easier on everyone if I get her up and go in the mornings.

 

 

 

I think people are being really hard on your husband.  It doesn't seem terribly selfish to me to want to change a plan when new things arise.  I know for some people it's about honoring a commitment, but very seldom do DH and I make a weekend plan that is sort of a "look each other in the eye and make a firm commitment" type thing.  We try to make plans but still be flexible.   I have agreed to things and then asked for an "out" when something came up that seemed desirable to me, and it doesn't seem to me that your husband is selfish to *want* a change, especially since it doesn't sound like he is insisting on his way.  And it doesn't seem to me that you are selfish either-  just the opposite.  I don't see you insisting on your way but trying to find solutions, while admitting that you, like him, have a preference. It's not (in my opinion) selfish to want to go to a concert or to want the other parent at a tournament.  It's the 'insisting on one's own way/not caring how others feel' thing that makes it become selfish seeming.  But it sounds like you are like me - you sort of want what you want, but you also want everyone to be happy doing what you want, and won't enjoy it if people are unhappy.  Sometimes, someone has to be unhappy though.

 

ETA, I guess that post was not responsive to the thing I quoted, lol.  I was going to say, when I quoted, that you said in your first post that you worry that he is sending your daughter the wrong message and that he thinks a tournament is a waste of time.  I was just going to say that even scout leaders have some Saturdays to do other things.  If she is putting the work into soft ball to make a more competitive team and is spending weekends playing, I think he really does send a bad message by not showing up even once or twice a month, especially when it's in town. 

[JFSinIL]

Ask your hubby if he really wants his daughter remembering how Daddy put his own desire to see a concert (with performers he'd already seen) ahead of seeing HER in her tournament.  He is being selfish.  It is not about whether or not he likes watching softball. If your son had a big event like this wouldn't it be expected that the rest of the family attend to cheer him on?

[bettyandbob]

I think people are being really hard on your husband.  It doesn't seem terribly selfish to me to want to change a plan when new things arise.  I know for some people it's about honoring a commitment, but very seldom do DH and I make a weekend plan that is sort of a "look each other in the eye and make a firm commitment" type thing.  We try to make plans but still be flexible.   I have agreed to things and then asked for an "out" when something came up that seemed desirable to me, and it doesn't seem to me that your husband is selfish to *want* a change, especially since it doesn't sound like he is insisting on his way.  And it doesn't seem to me that you are selfish either-  just the opposite.  I don't see you in insisting on your way but trying to find solutions, while admitting that you, like him, have a preference. It's not (in my opinion) selfish to want to go to a concert or to want the other parent at a tournament.  It's the 'insisting on one's own way/not caring how others feel' thing that makes it become selfish seeming.  But it sounds like you are like me - you sort of want what you want, but you also want everyone to be happy doing what you want, and won't enjoy it if people are unhappy.  Sometimes, someone has to be unhappy though.

 

What makes the dh's behavior particularly selfish is that he has made no thought of the OP managing the 6 yo for three days during the tournament. In my house either one of two choices would happen:

 

1. The whole family would go and one parent would manage the 6yo and 12yo while the other parent was at the games with the dd. Managing could mean bringing the kids to watch games or taking them to other stuff in the area that looked fun or some combination of both.

 

Or

 

2. The 6yo and 12yo would stay home with one parent. If they are both home with dh, then dh has to figure childcare arrangements, if dh still wants to go to the concert. It would not be the responsibility of the parent who is away to figure out childcare. (In such a situation, my dh would never consider going out to a concert, I would consider it, whine about not being able to do it and then take the two kids who stayed home to a movie. )

 

I see the dh as being selfish in what's going to happen with the 6yo. He's making the weekend tournament very stressful for the OP. I also think he should be there to watch at least one game while mom takes charge of the 6yo and 12yo.

 

Yes, there are times when couples make agreements to do things together and something comes up. However, in this case the dh appears to be totally thinking of himself without considering the implications for the op on taking the 6yo to a 3 day tournament.

[Danestress]

What makes the dh's behavior particularly selfish is that he has made no thought of the OP managing the 6 yo for three days during the tournament. In my house either one of two choices would happen:

 

 

But I thought she said that her husband was willing to keep the six year old, but OP didn't want her mother to have to babysit.  I agree I would not be happy with me taking the athlete and the six year old, but if DH were willing to keep the six year old and find a sitter (including grandma, if she's willing) that seems like an ok plan to me.  But really, I don't want to take sides of which is the best plan.  I just wanted to say that he's not selfish to WANT something and neither is she. It's just selfish to not be willing to listen, consider, and sometimes compromise. 

[bettyandbob]

 I just wanted to say that he's not selfish to WANT something and neither is she. It's just selfish to not be willing to listen, consider, and sometimes compromise. 

 

There are lots of things I want. But I do not make plans to do them (like taking one of my dc to a concert he really doesn't care about). I want them, but I understand to have things run smoothly for all family members things I want may not be best for the family at that time. There are other times when I do get to do what I want. It sounds like the dh has had opportunities to do things he wants (multiple other concerts). This doesn't sound like the right time to follow through on his wants.

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

After reading that you've offered suggestions and he doesn't like them because a parent should bring her I'd put my foot down and say "fine a parent can take her. Have fun!" If my dh ever tried to pull that shit, he wouldn't, he would be taking dd to the game. I would go as far as tearing up the concert tickets or reselling them if he had the nerve to make that decision on his own.

 

I'm sorry he's being incredibly selfish.

 

Yeah, pretty much would be my reaction too.  Then I'd probably suggest he seek mental health help, 'cause he must be crazy to think I'd be okay with that.

[Alicia64]

​

​

If our sons learn anything about team sports it's that being responsible to the team matters. To teach a kid to blow off their games for something other than illness or pre-planned event seems like sending the wrong message entirely.

​

​I have one performer that I'd love to see in concert, but I'd skip it for a game.

​

​Wait: did I get this wrong? Your dh just won't be at the tournament -- sorry I've been driving too much today. Your daughter will be at the tournament no matter what, right? If the tournament is a big deal I'd want him to be there for it. If it's just a medium-deal, I'd let him go to the concert.

​

​But, yeah, I think it's odd that he's making such a big deal out of the concerts. Cher is good, but she's not that good.

​

​Alley

[LMV]

How old is your daughter?

 

I do want to offer a perspective that it may be perfectly reasonable in some situations to not attend all of your children's activities.

 

Our oldest daughter played ODP/premiere soccer and went to various national team selection/player pool camps.  DH and I have always supported her and been her biggest fans but we haven't always been in the stands cheering her on. I'm a physician who can't always get time off.  DH has some set in stone court commitments.  Then there is the issue that she is not an only child.  At various times it just hasn't been developmentally appropriate (or safe) to bring her little sisters, or they have been sick, or it has been in a period before guardianship for a foster child so we can't leave the state, or they have needed something we just couldn't do and still have both or either parent at her tournament.  We are blessed with a wonderful extended family, so we have been able to send my mom and stepdad, or MIL/FIL, one of her big brothers, or one of her adoring uncles when we haven't been able to attend.  I don't think she has ever played without someone in the family there, but in the last few years bringing the entire family to games and tournaments has been difficult to do consistently.  She has always been a very logical and rational child.  She understood how much we loved her, how much we loved to watch her play but that it wasn't always possible. She also has a great relationship with her older brothers and her  little sisters.  They cherish and respect each other and we see the bonds grow stronger each year. 

 

Our fourteen year old is a competitive gymnast. Initially when she returned to competition things were tenuous enough that we did make every meet a family trip.  If we weren't able to do that then she would have skipped the meet.  Her coach understood this and she skipped her L9 state meet (and the opportunity to qualify for regionals, and  semi-nationals) that first year partly for this reason.  Over time, as she healed and grew, our approach to supporting her also changed.  We still haven't quite gotten to sending her off without at least one parent but we've looked at her meet schedule the past two years  and decided which or both of us can attend based on our work commitments and the needs of her siblings.  I missed her biggest meet of the year last year because I just couldn't work the physician ED schedule in any way that would allow me to attend. This year I had planned the schedule so I could attend her regional meet but I'm missing it because DFD5 has been sick.  She is home now but getting IV antibiotics at home so DH is there with his mom and DD4.  I'm keeping DD1 because I think that will be easier for DH (and he waited to leave until early this morning because I was working yesterday) to not have two little girls under five to supervise.  DH would have taken DFD9 with him but she wanted to stay home with DFD5 and we see this as supporting both sisters in the way she thinks is best.  She made DD14 a very cute ribbon to wear in her hair to bring her luck since she won't be there and DH is taping the meet so we'll all watch it together later.  When I was talking to DD14 about the change in plans and that I was sorry I couldn't be there she told me that she understood and she knows we missed out on a lot of DD18's games and tournaments because she needed us more at time so she would wonder who we were if we abandoned DFD5 to go to her meet now.  Providing she qualifies for nationals (she should but you never know until she does it) unless a miracle occurs for one of my colleagues and they resume working full time next month I will be missing her nationals. I wish it was different, but it likely won't be and I'll be praying and cheering from a distance.  No matter what happens she has grown so much and I am so proud of the wonderful young she is becoming.  She knows this which is most important I think. 

[Plateau Mama]

So for him is it a done argument? Has he decided he's going to the concert and is planning to buy or has already gotten them? Or is it still open for discussion? I would have a serious problem with my dh being this selfish. It might be one thing if it were a once in a lifetime event but this is not. He's seen them before, he can see them on a different date. My respect for my dh would be at an all time low if he chose a concert with all the details you've given, especially knowing he's acknowledged that at least one parent should be with her.

 

He hasn't bought tickets yet, but I wouldn't necessarily say its open for discussion. I mean it is, but all it's going to do is get me upset.

But I thought she said that her husband was willing to keep the six year old, but OP didn't want her mother to have to babysit. I agree I would not be happy with me taking the athlete and the six year old, but if DH were willing to keep the six year old and find a sitter (including grandma, if she's willing) that seems like an ok plan to me. But really, I don't want to take sides of which is the best plan. I just wanted to say that he's not selfish to WANT something and neither is she. It's just selfish to not be willing to listen, consider, and sometimes compromise.

 

He is willing to keep the 6 yo, but I don't think he realizes he'd have to take the day off to watch him on Friday and he'd also gave to get a sitter for Saturday. My mom will watch him if she's free but he has never in 14 years arranged for a sitter, my mom or otherwise. She would not be ankle to watch him on Friday as she works. Also, the rest of the weekend he would be home doing nothing when he could be having fun in the pool and with his friend.

​

​

If our sons learn anything about team sports it's that being responsible to the team matters. To teach a kid to blow off their games for something other than illness or pre-planned event seems like sending the wrong message entirely.

​

​I have one performer that I'd love to see in concert, but I'd skip it for a game.

​

​Wait: did I get this wrong? Your dh just won't be at the tournament -- sorry I've been driving too much today. Your daughter will be at the tournament no matter what, right? If the tournament is a big deal I'd want him to be there for it. If it's just a medium-deal, I'd let him go to the concert.

​

​But, yeah, I think it's odd that he's making such a big deal out of the concerts. Cher is good, but she's not that good.

​

​Alley

Yes, she would be at the tournament, somehow. This is the biggest tournament of the year. If it were a medium tournament I wouldn't care if he skipped it for the concert. I'd probably be on the phone now finding someone to take her so I could go with him.

How old is your daughter?

 

I do want to offer a perspective that it may be perfectly reasonable in some situations to not attend all of your children's activities.

 

Our oldest daughter played ODP/premiere soccer and went to various national team selection/player pool camps. DH and I have always supported her and been her biggest fans but we haven't always been in the stands cheering her on. I'm a physician who can't always get time off. DH has some set in stone court commitments. Then there is the issue that she is not an only child. At various times it just hasn't been developmentally appropriate (or safe) to bring her little sisters, or they have been sick, or it has been in a period before guardianship for a foster child so we can't leave the state, or they have needed something we just couldn't do and still have both or either parent at her tournament. We are blessed with a wonderful extended family, so we have been able to send my mom and stepdad, or MIL/FIL, one of her big brothers, or one of her adoring uncles when we haven't been able to attend. I don't think she has ever played without someone in the family there, but in the last few years bringing the entire family to games and tournaments has been difficult to do consistently. She has always been a very logical and rational child. She understood how much we loved her, how much we loved to watch her play but that it wasn't always possible. She also has a great relationship with her older brothers and her little sisters. They cherish and respect each other and we see the bonds grow stronger each year.

 

 

She will be 14. I'm not asking him to go to all the tournaments, only 3 and two of those are negotiable. It not fair to my boys to be expected to go every weekend either. Two weeks ago the tournament was about 40 minutes away. They made it into the championship game. I had to flat out tell him "you need yo be here" because he didn't want to drive that far. Keep in mind I'd already done 6 games over 2 days. The first day in torrential downpours all. Day. Long.

 

If he had to work I'd have no problem either. He has a M-F job. Occasionally he will have to go into work on Saturday, like 2x a year, but usually he can work from home around whatever's going on that weekend. He gets 5 weeks of vacation a year, can carry over a year and he still lost 2 weeks last year. I'm asking him to take 1 day off of work and spend the weekend with his family. If one of my children gets sick, then yes, one of us would stay home with them. He wants to skip the biggest tournament she's ever been in to go to a concert of performers he's seen in concert multiple times before.

 

I don't want a tit-for-tat. He spent $400 and had a day off from kids so I should get to as well. That's not how I am. I see it as I gave 4 years left before my children start leaving for college. That means I may need to not get to do some things I really want in the name of making memories for my kids. I'm ok with that. In a few years I will have more time than I know what to do with.

[HSmomof2]

Your dh should suck it up and skip the concert.

 

It's not about the money. It's about prioritizing his dd.

 

:iagree:

[kewb]

No, you are not wrong.  Your dh is being clueless.

That said, I would rather my dh go to the concert if the alternative meant listening to his whining. It is his relationship with his daughter that he is impacting and he has to want it to be a priority.

[Danestress]

I don't want a tit-for-tat. He spent $400 and had a day off from kids so I should get to as well. That's not how I am. I see it as I gave 4 years left before my children start leaving for college. That means I may need to not get to do some things I really want in the name of making memories for my kids. I'm ok with that. In a few years I will have more time than I know what to do with.

 

I get it. And I agree.  I complain sometimes about the logistics of having a traveling athlete, but I love to see him play, I love to have dinner with him after, I love being his support staff, and I love knowing that he will always remember that DH and I were there for him, buying the Gatorade, watching a movie in the hotel room, celebrating the wins, encouraging him after the losses, and just being there. It would break my heart of DH didn't also love it. 

 

I hope you can honestly tell your DH how you feel, and I hope that he will understand why this is important to you.  It was probably a tactical error to let him think that you were more "Ok" with him not being there as long as you could go to the concert with him and a grandparent or sitter could go to the tournament.  I think that might have made him think his presence was less important that it is to you.  I hope he is someone that, if you really throw down your case, will see that it means a lot to you. 

[Catwoman]

But those are perfectly reasonable excuses. That you'd rather go to a concert....not so much.

Well, let's just see...

 

Saving lives... or Cher?

 

Important court commitments... or Cyndi Lauper?

 

Not exactly equal. ;)

 

Even after reading others' perspectives on the situation, I'm still firmly in the "dh is being selfish" camp.

[kiwik]

He is setting a bad example. If it were in NZ and the performer might only get there once I would make some sort of compromise like, come Friday, drive back Saturday afternoon, drive back Sunday morning in time for the event wrap up and take dd out to dinner somewhere of her choosing. Of course in NZ he would have had to get the tickets months in advance likely fly to the other end of the country so that might not work but I assume you get the point. You don't drop a committment to your daughter without a compelling reason. If something you prefer comes up you turn it down and behave with good grace.

 

Your husband hasn't grown up yet. Or did he attend assertiveness training (I have renamed that selfishness training based on how most of the guys seem to interpret it).

[Joanne]

This is a hard one for me.

On one hand, I find the obsession with a singer(s) at that level juvenile and ridiculous. Like seriously pre-teen/early teen level silly. It would be hard for me to find a mental space in which I would be ok with that. But, being an adult, I would try to look at myself and think of the ways in which a spouse (or other people, for that matter) would look at some of my wishes. For instance, The Walking Dead experience is coming to Houston - I would go if $100 per person didn't mean food or electricity. I haven't played poker in "forever" but I totally would plop down $50 on a tournament if I had it.

 

So, I'd temper my judgment with an honest look at my own stuff. Not with the intention of changing me or him, but with understanding.

 

Now, the larger issues seem to be not being on the same page in terms of financial goals. That ended up being a part of the deal-breaker in my second marriage, and I hope your financial disconnect isn't on THAT level!

 

In the end, I'd find a way to be happy at the tournament with my dd and other children, and find a way to greet and "be with" DH happily, not keeping a "record of wrongs." (Yes, Joanne used a Christian love reference ;-)). I am actually, sometimes, able to do that using various life and spiritual and cognitive skills.

 

[bolt.]

Is this seriously a scheduling conflict between "children's recreational sport event" and "pop music concert"? -- Both of those things are ridiculously frivolous. I can't even wrap my mind around deciding which event is the least unimportant, but I guess I see how children's sports might matter a lot to a child... So I'd be more likely to indulge that, since I don't really mind being indulgent towards children when I can.

 

I don't see why people would get into a marital conflict over it though. Why put pressure on a critical family relationship over a decision that's about as significant as two tweenage lovebirds trying to decide what flavour of slurpee to share on a summer evening.

 

I think you really are taking recreation and entertainment FAR to seriously.

 

Edited to add: I'd be almost as happy about indulging myself and my DH, if I could swing DD into a car pool to/from the tournament or one afternoon/evening's supervision by another family (there), or something like that -- for me and DH to have a date night. If its a costly ticket, and I liked it, I'd want it to be me.

 

But 400 dollars is a pretty big indulgence. So is a tournament trip. So is private school. It might be a matter of priorities. (Isn't private school an ongoing expense? How would you 'save up' for it anyways? Maybe I understand less than I think I do.)