WDYT of this message from a 16yo?

[Anne in CA]

I agree that the dad is probably considering Costa Rica to get some peace and be able to sleep at night without worrying about waking up to find his new wife harmed in her sleep. Also, outside real neurological issues, the crazy kid got that way from a highly dysfunctional environment. Like it or not, the dad was part of that, and yes, he is probably hoping that some space will straighten the girl up magically with no real effort required on his part. That is delusional, and it shows he really can't be trusted to make good decisions about the situation.

 

She probably needs to be in a group home with highly trained care providers. My dh's SIL lived in one for three years after she threatened family members in a similar way and it was much better for her. The strict environment and  the absence of family members with their own needs was very good for her and she thrived. Yes, she was legitimately angry that both her parents remarried and put their new spouses ahead for her, but threatening violence is just not okay in any scenario.

 

My single friends who date divorced men usually deal with bio kids who interfere with dates, and the attempts of their fathers to put a new family together. It is part of the deal, but this is a lot more than that and if I were OP's friend I would put my own child first and LEAVE THIS MAN. The reality is that her own child is entitled to a safe home with parents focused on him/her and this is just not possible with this step father/ step sister. 

 

[WishboneDawn]

I've nothing to add but I would suggest that you delete the content of the text. This was between the mom and the stepdaughter and the situation could get much worse if the stepdaughter found this thread with the text and details in it.

[MinivanMom]

I think the email sounds hurt and angry, but I don't find it to be threatening or out of the ordinary for a teen in this situation. Some kids are resilient in these situations, but many are not. It is clear that she has been deeply hurt and believes she is exercising great self-control to not lash out more. I don't blame her for feeling hurt! She's only 16 and both parents have remarried and kicked her out?! How heartbreaking! I don't care what kind of mental health problems she is having; those parents have a moral and legal obligation to provide physical and emotional support to their daughter until the age of 18. If they are no longer capable or willing to do this (either because they're busy with a new relationship or because the behavior is beyond their ability to handle) then they need to seek the help and intervention of social services.

 

I think anytime a grown woman places herself in a position to feel that a man's own child is "taking time away" from her, that woman has a problem.  If one of my children were struggling (and I have BTDT) I would spend whatever time it took to help him or her and make things right. So if the child needs the time, the parent gives it. 

 

This. Your friend has no right . . . no right . . . to ask her husband to put the needs of her son over the needs of his own biological daughter. It takes a lot of maturity, patience, and unconditional love to handle any blended family. Step-parenting isn't for wimps. It does not sound like your friend is ready to navigate this situation.
 

[Spryte]

I thought perhaps your friend's child was also a child of the dad here... That simplifies things a bit, if your friend needs to get out of the situation.  She can always leave and take her kiddo someplace safe, as a last resort, right?

 

I keep hoping that your friend has a kick butt therapist on board, for herself.  Does she?  If not, checking out that site I pm'd you might be a good plan - they are helpful in setting up/enforcing boundaries, making plans for self-care, etc.  The founder used to be available for one on one counseling/coaching, and she's fantastic.  She's a stepmom, too.

 

Your friend can't change her DH's actions here, all she can do is change her response.  I think anything that smells like a threat to her or her child calls for a major change.

 

A few things that come to mind, practically: does the stepdaughter have a key to dad's family home?  does the family home have an alarm system?  I would want to take care of those 2 items fairly quickly, to give your friend a sense of security in her own home.  

 

With all of the services that the SD is already receiving, I'm not sure what else can be done, on that end.  If your friend can send all the texts (I'm guessing there are others, could be wrong) to the therapists, that would be helpful.  

 

Sending strong thoughts to your friend.  

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

So you think because she's hurt she can be expected to cuss, lash out, yell, scream, break things, etc? There is no way to stop it or set limits?

 

I think because she is hurting so terribly much and is already under court ordered counseling and more, that your friend should be worried about far bigger things than this girl cussing, lashing out, yelling and screaming.

 

It is an awful situation, to say the least, but it also sounds like the girl's bio parents aren't helping, particularly the dad.  If this were my husband, I would not only be concerned about his daughter and my own son's safety around her, I would fear for my ds growing up with such a parent who continues to indulge a child. Is he trying to placate her, bribe her, make it all better?  He sounds like a mess of a father who is irresponsible and probably wasn't ready to get remarried and start another family.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I place the majority of the blame for this on the husband for tolerating any of this from his dd. 

 

.

 

:iagree: (without the smiley face though)

 

Your friend needs to back off of the girl, keep herself and her son safe, and figure out if she can help her husband figure out how to parent.  It's really good that they are in counseling. I hope it helps--all of them.
 

[bettyandbob]

I have a friend whose dd could have been like this. The girl was adopted at birth from a family member. My friend's daughter had mental health issues that gradually became apparent as she entered puberty. The parents divorced when was 13. My friend is amazing in how she handle the mental health stuff of her dd and the divorce. Her ex truly blindsided her with the divorce and remarried rather quickly. However, my friend was able to get ex to work closely with her on the dd's issues. Getting the girl through high school took herculean efforts from both of them. They did send her to a therapuetic boarding school at one point. 

 

An average divorced couple could not have done what my friend and her ex did for their dd. An average married couple might not have been able to do it. 

 

I suspect the girl in this situation was having problems before the divorce. I suspect she'd probably have problems if the bio parents were still married. The stress of divorce and poor communication of bio parents may have contributed to the girl's problems, but often when kids are exhibiting extreme issues they were born with a predisposition to develop the issues in the first place. 

 

The OPs friend needs to put her own ds first and get him out of the situation. 

 

The bio parents need to put all their efforts into finding real solutions for their child and that may mean CHINS. If I read correctly there is another daughter from that marriage and that other daughter's safety may be at risk as well. 

[MomatHWTK]

Children aren't placed in counselling and on medication because they are "spoiled."  She isn't cussing, lashing out, etc. because she is a bad child.  She is a human being with a mental condition that needs treatment.  Calling her crazy or psycho doesn't make the problem go away nor absolve the adults in her life from responsibility.  Name calling only serves to dehumanize those who are most difficult to help.  That doesn't make those individuals any less worthy of our care. 

 

If your friend truly cares about her new DH and those he loves, then she should be furiously researching this child's condition(s) and seeking out expert advice on how to best assist the child rather than trying to impose neurotypical behavior patterns without any guidance.  You cannot by force of will make a child with a mental illness well. 

[Catwoman]

I think anytime a grown woman places herself in a position to feel that a man's own child is "taking time away" from her, that woman has a problem.  If one of my children were struggling (and I have BTDT) I would spend whatever time it took to help him or her and make things right. So if the child needs the time, the parent gives it.

I think a big part of what the friend is objecting to is her dh's overnight sleepover visits at his ex-wife's house. I'm sorry, but that is entirely unacceptable.

 

Children aren't placed in counselling and on medication because they are "spoiled."  She isn't cussing, lashing out, etc. because she is a bad child.  She is a human being with a mental condition that needs treatment.  Calling her crazy or psycho doesn't make the problem go away nor absolve the adults in her life from responsibility.  Name calling only serves to dehumanize those who are most difficult to help.  That doesn't make those individuals any less worthy of our care. 
 
If your friend truly cares about her new DH and those he loves, then she should be furiously researching this child's condition(s) and seeking out expert advice on how to best assist the child rather than trying to impose neurotypical behavior patterns without any guidance.  You cannot by force of will make a child with a mental illness well.

Personally, I think the friend's first and foremost responsibility is to ensure her own son's safety. He has been physically attacked by this girl. Yes, it's unfortunate that the girl is so troubled, but quite frankly, she sounds dangerous and I don't believe the friend needs to subject herself and her son to potential violence -- and this girl has a very real history of violence.

[*Lulu*]

I think a big part of what the friend is objecting to is her dh's overnight sleepover visits at his ex-wife's house. I'm sorry, but that is entirely unacceptable.


Personally, I think the friend's first and foremost responsibility is to ensure her own son's safety. He has been physically attacked by this girl. Yes, it's unfortunate that the girl is so troubled, but quite frankly, she sounds dangerous and I don't believe the friend needs to subject herself and her son to potential violence -- and this girl has a very real history of violence.

I think she could do both if she was so inclined. She could put some distance between her son and the situation, physically and emotionally, while still preparing herself to be a supportive wife and step-parent should the situation stabilize enough that she felt it safe to re-enter.

Dealing with adolescents that are deeply troubled in the way this girl seems to be is not easy under the most ideal conditions. This situation sounds far from ideal which means it will require even more from the adults involved to be sucessful in getting this girl the help she needs. I can't say anything I.Dup has posted gives me the impression that is going to happen. (Of course I also realize we are dealing with a third party account of someone else's perspective of something)

[SKL]

I think that other than showing the text to the girl's father, I would not respond in any way.  The girl is obviously working through some very tough issues (with professional support) and the step mom is the easy scapegoat in the girl's mind.  From the girl's perspective, she has the least to lose by blaming/trashing her stepmom (compared to her dad or bio mom).

 

Being a teen girl is hard enough; add all the extra baggage and the mental issues and school stress and that text does not alarm me at all.  Honestly.  It is going to take time for her to reap the benefit of the professional assistance / therapies she is receiving.  Meanwhile it is going to be ugly.  I would be more freaked out if she sent a gushing, loving letter....

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all for the advice. I have given as many details as I can in an online format, without invading anyone's privacy, etc, etc. I think your responses have helped my friend- some are way off base, but for the most part you all seem to get what all parties involved are going through (again, on the limited information we all have) so thanks for helping.

[I.Dup.]

Children aren't placed in counselling and on medication because they are "spoiled." 

 

I can say in this case, she absolutely has been spoiled. It is the fault of the parents for not dealing with her and getting her help sooner, they were too preoccupied and selfish to deal with it in the ways they should have as she grew up. It's really tragic when parents wait until it's too late and the problems are huge and ugly before doing anything about it. Now many lives are being affected and put in danger because of this.

[Mrs Mungo]

What your friend should do is get herself and her dh into family counseling. The dh needs to realize that it is *his* responsibility to make sure his dd and his wife treat one another with respect, it is his responsibility to set limits, it is his responsibility to not let the girl control either home. She needs active parents who are in charge. If the friend cannot get her dh to do those things, then she needs to leave and make a safe home for herself and her own ds.

[albeto.]

I can say in this case, she absolutely has been spoiled.

 

You can't say this. At the most you can say you believe it. There are simply too many variables of which you are, through no fault of your own, ignorant. What the parents *should* do and what the parents are *able* to do may not coincide with each other. What we should do is stop promoting the false, pseudo-scientific, hurtful, and offensive idea that mental ill-health is a product of being "spoiled."

[Catwoman]

You can't say this. At the most you can say you believe it. There are simply too many variables of which you are, through no fault of your own, ignorant. What the parents *should* do and what the parents are *able* to do may not coincide with each other. What we should do is stop promoting the false, pseudo-scientific, hurtful, and offensive idea that mental ill-health is a product of being "spoiled."

I didn't get the impression that I.Dup was suggesting that the girl's mental health problems were the result of her having been spoiled by her parents. I thought she was just trying to give us some insight into the girl's lifestyle and to tell us a bit about the family situation.

I certainly didn't think she was "promoting" anything. I just thought she was trying to get some advice for her friend.

I'm a lot less concerned about whether or not the girl was overly indulged than I am about her history of violent threats and behavior.

[myfunnybunch]

What the parents *should* do and what the parents are *able* to do may not coincide with each other. What we should do is stop promoting the false, pseudo-scientific, hurtful, and offensive idea that mental ill-health is a product of being "spoiled."

 

Thank you.

 

 

[Cera]

Poor behavior can be the result of being spoiled.  Some of the girls' issues sound like actual mental health issues, some sound like a bratty, overindulged teen with no consequences.  I think it is impossible for anyone on a message board to tease out the truth in situations such as this.

 

However, I'm not sure any of that really matters.  I am a stepparent and I have my own children.  My number one responsibility is to my biological children.  If there was a child in this house making credible threats of violence (and I consider any threat made by a child who has a history of that behavior credible) it would be my responsibility to change something to protect the kids.  

 

If it was one of his kids making the threat I would relocate and ensure that child did not have my address or contact information.  I would probably try to maintain the marriage from a distance for a period of time to give the father a chance to work through issues with his child but I would not stay somewhere my own child was in danger.  

 

If it was one of my kids making the threat I would take as many steps as possible to protect him and his kids (alarm she doesn't have the code to, never allowing her alone with them, multiple layers of counseling, meds, etc).  If necessary I would relocate to allow myself to focus on the issues.

 

This girl is 16.  She is old enough to be a serious risk (it would be different if it was an 8 year old making threats).  She is also old enough that it won't be long until her father can cut her off if that is what needs to happen (yes, I know it is harsh but some kids need to hit bottom).

[Starr]

Your friend and husband need some professional help.

[MinivanMom]

I think a big part of what the friend is objecting to is her dh's overnight sleepover visits at his ex-wife's house. I'm sorry, but that is entirely unacceptable.

 
Personally, I think the friend's first and foremost responsibility is to ensure her own son's safety. He has been physically attacked by this girl. Yes, it's unfortunate that the girl is so troubled, but quite frankly, she sounds dangerous and I don't believe the friend needs to subject herself and her son to potential violence -- and this girl has a very real history of violence.

 

I completely disagree. I have seen many situations where ex-spouses have done this because it was in the best interest of the children. He isn't having a sleepover with his single ex; he's staying with his ex and her new spouse in order to visit his daughter while attending therapy sessions with her. Presumably this arrangement is a direct result of trying to protect his new wife and stepson. The new wife sounds petty and jealous to first demand that her new husband kick his biological daughter out of the house and then demand that he stop visiting her at the home of the ex and her husband. What does she want her husband to do? The girl doesn't live with them anymore. She doesn't visit their home. If stepmom can't handle an (understandably) angry text from a teen, then all she has to do is change her number. What is the stepmother still whining about? I'm sorry, but it sounds like she is trying to cut her husband off from his daughter by making him choose between them. The stepmother sounds very young and immature.

 

Staying with an ex-spouse when you have to travel for visitation is not unusual at all. I have a friend with a blended family who had to relocate to this area for her husband's new job during the recession. She has kids, he has kids, and they have an "ours" kid. Her husband's ex-wife (also a friend) relocated with them and bought a house only a quarter mile away from them so that all the kids are close to both parents and zoned for the same nearby schools. They all attend the same church in order to give the children a stable support system. Unfortunately, my friend's ex was unable to relocate with them. Whenever he comes to visit their children, he stays in their home. It isn't an ideal situation, but if she demanded that he stay in a hotel then he wouldn't be able to afford to visit their children as frequently. Now, obviously, some divorce situations are so hostile that they could not support a situation like this, but this is what good co-parenting looks like. I am in awe of how all the adults in this situation continually behave like adults and put the children first. I can't imagine anyone suggesting that my friend is doing something shady when she and her husband host the ex so that he can visit their children. Hosting her ex on visits is the compassionate and mature thing to do.

[Moxie]

Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

 

Gee, no wonder this emotionally unstable girl is hurt and very confused.  All the adults in her life are morons!!
 

[MBM]

However, I'm not sure any of that really matters.  I am a stepparent and I have my own children.  My number one responsibility is to my biological children.  If there was a child in this house making credible threats of violence (and I consider any threat made by a child who has a history of that behavior credible) it would be my responsibility to change something to protect the kids.  

 

If it was one of his kids making the threat I would relocate and ensure that child did not have my address or contact information.  I would probably try to maintain the marriage from a distance for a period of time to give the father a chance to work through issues with his child but I would not stay somewhere my own child was in danger.  

 

I agree. Your friend needs to make sure she and her child are safe. That is really all she can control.

 

My psychologist friend, who works with some really difficult cases, (he is also a professor emeritus at Northwestern U's Family Institute) has been afraid of some of the teens he's counseled. In those cases, he stops counseling until he feels safe. Don't think that because someone is only 16 that they can do no harm. They can. Teens can be impulsive.

 

Your friend sounds like the scapegoat. Personally, I'd probably leave.

[MBM]

duplicate post 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

The more step-parenting stories I read here, the more I think that if DH dies young, I should wait until the kids are grown to date or remarry.

[Laurie4b]

 If dh and stepmom are not on the same page, that is a marriage issue and if step mom is wondering what she should do, it's marriage counseling or family therapy. Once she and her dh are on the same page it will enable them together to come up with an effective solution and cut out the possibility of playing dh against stepmom.

 

The text itself sounds pretty normal.

 

What exact kind of violence has occurred? I worked with the most violent kids in our state for a long time (ones that also had mental illness) and I can tell you that there are different gradations of what people refer to as violence and some forms are definitely scary and can escalate and be life-threatening. Other forms are immature ways of expressing anger, don't generally escalate, and can be worked with. But people tend to use the word "violence" to describe a very wide range of things, not all of which is of the same concern. It also depends on whether there are underlying mental health issues (whether there is a conscience or not, whether there is ADHD which often has impulsive but not necessarily dangerous outbursts, etc), substance abuse (makes everything more dangerous), or whether there is a family/cultural acceptance of certain things that some people think of as violence but people in that cultural niche view as normal. (Not that it makes it *better* but if someone is doing something they believe to be culturally acceptable, then that is different than someone doing something they know is culturally unacceptable.) So not all violence is the same, or responds the same to intervention.

[Miss Mousie]

The more step-parenting stories I read here, the more I think that if DH dies young, I should wait until the kids are grown to date or remarry.

 

That's probably a good idea in general ... but I have to point out that successful step-parenting situations go unnoticed because there's no point in starting a thread about smooth sailing, you know?  "My life is sunshine and roses, just thought you'd all like to know."  ;)

[MBM]

That's probably a good idea in general ... but I have to point out that successful step-parenting situations go unnoticed because there's no point in starting a thread about smooth sailing, you know?  "My life is sunshine and roses, just thought you'd all like to know."  ;)

 

A good friend of mine has five step moms. You would think her life is pure misery, but the adults sorted everything out and get along well except for one of the step moms, who was difficult and does not have anything to do with the clan. Otherwise, everyone gets together often and helps one another out. My friend loves all of her step moms very much except for the difficult one. Maybe they should write a book.

[MBM]

What exact kind of violence has occurred?

 

The girl pulled a knife on her stepdad and has behaved violently toward the stepmom's son. I'm not sure what that means exactly, though.

[Scarlett]

Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

Another deal breaker. No freakin' way.

[Scarlett]

A good friend of mine has five step moms. You would think her life is pure misery, but the adults sorted everything out and get along well except for one of the step moms, who was difficult and does not have anything to do with the clan. Otherwise, everyone gets together often and helps one another out. My friend loves all of her step moms very much except for the difficult one. Maybe they should write a book.

Your friend's dad is a polygamist?

[Scarlett]

I completely disagree. I have seen many situations where ex-spouses have done this because it was in the best interest of the children. He isn't having a sleepover with his single ex; he's staying with his ex and her new spouse in order to visit his daughter while attending therapy sessions with her. Presumably this arrangement is a direct result of trying to protect his new wife and stepson. The new wife sounds petty and jealous to first demand that her new husband kick his biological daughter out of the house and then demand that he stop visiting her at the home of the ex and her husband. What does she want her husband to do? The girl doesn't live with them anymore. She doesn't visit their home. If stepmom can't handle an (understandably) angry text from a teen, then all she has to do is change her number. What is the stepmother still whining about? I'm sorry, but it sounds like she is trying to cut her husband off from his daughter by making him choose between them. The stepmother sounds very young and immature.

Staying with an ex-spouse when you have to travel for visitation is not unusual at all. I have a friend with a blended family who had to relocate to this area for her husband's new job during the recession. She has kids, he has kids, and they have an "ours" kid. Her husband's ex-wife (also a friend) relocated with them and bought a house only a quarter mile away from them so that all the kids are close to both parents and zoned for the same nearby schools. They all attend the same church in order to give the children a stable support system. Unfortunately, my friend's ex was unable to relocate with them. Whenever he comes to visit their children, he stays in their home. It isn't an ideal situation, but if she demanded that he stay in a hotel then he wouldn't be able to afford to visit their children as frequently. Now, obviously, some divorce situations are so hostile that they could not support a situation like this, but this is what good co-parenting looks like. I am in awe of how all the adults in this situation continually behave like adults and put the children first. I can't imagine anyone suggesting that my friend is doing something shady when she and her husband host the ex so that he can visit their children. Hosting her ex on visits is the compassionate and mature thing to do.

I absolutely disagree. There aren't enough words to describe how messed up I think it would be to have my xh sleep in my house with me and my new husband. When he drops ds14 off we are polite and sometimes offer a beverage....but we aren't one big happy family.

[MBM]

Your friend's dad is a polygamist?

 

He is a hippie and successful businessman who went from one woman to another. He wasn't romantic with them all at once. LOL. Ex-wives' new husbands and new children are invited to get togethers, too. They are truly a clan.

[Plateau Mama]

The more step-parenting stories I read here, the more I think that if DH dies young, I should wait until the kids are grown to date or remarry.

IMO it takes someone special to marry someone with kids still in the house, especially if the other parent is still in the picture. I know personally I could not be a step parent if the other parent was still in the picture. If the wife had died or wasn't in the picture I would do everything I could to love on them and treat them like my own. I could not do the going back and forth between houses, different rules/expectations etc.

My step dad loved me like his own from day one. He never introduced me as his step-daughter. He was only 13 years older than me so sometimes we had to explain but he really tried to avoid it. I think it's harder when blending two sets of kids but it an be done.

I think a lot of people don't understand that when they remarry someone with kids you are marrying the entire package. Yes the guy may be an awesome guy, buy if you don't gel with the kids and the custody situation it should be a deal breaker.

[Scarlett]

Specifically what do I think of the message and the rest of the story....I think I would shut off all communication with the girl. I would separate from my husband and allow him the space to have his child back in his life. I would not do this in a spiteful I AM LEAVING YOU! manner but kindly and with hope for the future.

Above all I would protect my son.

[Scarlett]

He is a hippie and successful businessman who went from one woman to another. He wasn't romantic with them all at once. LOL. Ex-wives' new husbands and new children are invited to get togethers, too. They are truly a clan.

Oh I see. So she has 5 former step moms.

[Hoot]

I find it interesting that everyone is blaming the child's biological parents (and rightfully so, it sounds like) but no one is asking why in the world this woman got involved with crazy to begin with. It doesn't sound like any of these people were EVER very stable or mature, so why in the world would this woman voluntarily marry into this dysfunction especially when she already has her own biological child to think about?

Maybe I'm heartless, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for that.

[albeto.]

I didn't get the impression that I.Dup was suggesting that the girl's mental health problems were the result of her having been spoiled by her parents.

"the bio parents have created a monster"

 

I just thought she was trying to get some advice for her friend.

From a community completely unqualified to comprehend the complex issues that are involved with mental health. To solicit advice from a group of people naturally ignorant about complex issues with complex variables to take into account, both social and biological, and hear reinforcement of this pseudo-scientific garbage about mental health issues being a result of spoilage is hurtful, harmful to society, and offensive. We don't need more baloney, we need less. It affects us all as a society to have accurate information rather than recycle old wives' tales. For the same reason we don't burn witches at the stake for unfavorable weather patterns, we should proverbially burn witches at the stake for unfavorable social choices. 
 

I'm a lot less concerned about whether or not the girl was overly indulged than I am about her history of violent threats and behavior.

 

That her violent behavior is a result of being spoiled is what I am calling out. It may be, it may not be, but getting medical, psychological, and psychiatric advice from a homeschool community is no better than asking friends she bumps into at the grocery store. I think most people would consider that gossip in that case. 

[Catwoman]

"the bio parents have created a monster"


From a community completely unqualified to comprehend the complex issues that are involved with mental health. To solicit advice from a group of people naturally ignorant about complex issues with complex variables to take into account, both social and biological, and hear reinforcement of this pseudo-scientific garbage about mental health issues being a result of spoilage is hurtful, harmful to society, and offensive. We don't need more baloney, we need less. It affects us all as a society to have accurate information rather than recycle old wives' tales. For the same reason we don't burn witches at the stake for unfavorable weather patterns, we should proverbially burn witches at the stake for unfavorable social choices.


That her violent behavior is a result of being spoiled is what I am calling out. It may be, it may not be, but getting medical, psychological, and psychiatric advice from a homeschool community is no better than asking friends she bumps into at the grocery store. I think most people would consider that gossip in that case.

I think you're way overthinking the OP's intentions for this thread.

My impression was that she was worried about her friend and wanted to discuss the situation with us, to give her some different perspectives and to help her try to find some ideas that would help her friend.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure why you consider all of our opinions to be so completely useless. It doesn't take an advanced degree or special "qualifications" to say what you would do in a particular situation. I'm sure I.Dup. will correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't think she was looking for scientific research or a professional consultation. I thought she wanted to hear others' personal feelings about what was happening in her friend's life and how they might handle a similar situation.

You can call it gossip or the deliberate spreading of misinformation, but it's really nothing more than a group of people sharing their opinions and experiences. It's not some sort of anti-science, anti-professional-help conspiracy.

I assume that I.Dup. is reading our posts and agreeing with some and disagreeing with others, but IMO, she is being very gracious about it. It doesn't matter if, in the end, she tosses out all of our opinions as being worthless to her friend. That's not the point. She wanted to talk to people about something that was worrying her, and I think we have been having a pretty good discussion.

[Laurie4b]

The girl pulled a knife on her stepdad and has behaved violently toward the stepmom's son. I'm not sure what that means exactly, though.

 

I think there really needs to be professional evaluation. As I said before, mom should seek out a therapist, for her and the dad or for the whole family. "Pulling a knife" sounds scary, but again, the specific behavior is needed. DId she pick up a butter knife from the table and wave it at him? Or did she hold a switchblade up to his throat? The first behavior might or might not be signficant. The second certainly would be. But you are getting this filtered through your friend.

 

The best thing she can do is go to a professional, preferably one with a specialty in family therapy.

[poppy]

I feel really terrible for that girl.   Given the crisis she is in, I would suggest the stepmom and bio father separate for a few years. Her mental health and safety should be his first concern. If it's not, well, I'm not sure I'd want to be married to a man like that.

[Laurie4b]

With regard to whether the child's behavior is a result of spoiling: that is the step-mother's opinion. She sees behavior problems and sees leniency on the part of the parents and decided there is a cause and effect: parents spoil and child misbehaves. The fact is that it can work the other way as well. Anyone with a child with special needs knows how often they get "the look" from people in the community wondering why they don't just "discipline their child." Parents often adjust their behavior so as to keep things as smooth as possible. For some, it's the best choice. For others, it may exacerbate the problem. There is a third category and that is a child who is born with very difficult wiring. Some have the very best of parents adn are still very, very difficult. Our first foster son, for instance, required ridiculous levels of what could look like "control freak" on our part. For instance, one night, he was supposed to be in by 5:00. He came in at 5:03. I didn't say anything. The next night, it was 5:45 and he thought it would be fine because I hadn't said anything the night before. His world was just really black and white. So we had to parent much more rigidly than we cared for. But it was what was right for him. I'm sharing that because our behavior was a reaction to his. In the case of a foster parent, people are less likely to blame the foster parent. But I can tell you that after 2 years, while I didn't condone his parents' behavior, I certainly understood it.

 

Blaming the parents does do one thing: it makes the world seem like a more predictable place and gives people a false sense of control, security, and superiority. It helps a person feel like, "That could never happen to me because I am a good parent." It takes some of the scary random chaos quotient out of the equation. That makes people feel better but is poison for the family trying to deal with a truly mentally ill kid.

[MBM]

I think there really needs to be professional evaluation. As I said before, mom should seek out a therapist, for her and the dad or for the whole family. "Pulling a knife" sounds scary, but again, the specific behavior is needed. DId she pick up a butter knife from the table and wave it at him? Or did she hold a switchblade up to his throat? The first behavior might or might not be signficant. The second certainly would be. But you are getting this filtered through your friend.

 

The best thing she can do is go to a professional, preferably one with a specialty in family therapy.

 

Just to clarify, it is I.Dup's friend who is the stepmom in the original post, not mine. I agree with you about getting therapy, though.

[Catwoman]

I feel really terrible for that girl. Given the crisis she is in, I would suggest the stepmom and bio father separate for a few years. Her mental health and safety should be his first concern. If it's not, well, I'm not sure I'd want to be married to a man like that.

:iagree:

It sounds like they're trying to get help for the girl, but it's also pretty clear that whatever they're doing isn't working.

I'm wondering when the girl started having issues. Has it been a lifelong thing, or did it start when her parents' marriage started to fall apart or when they split up, when the parents started having relationships with other people, or when the parents remarried?

And if the girl was demonstrating signs of serious anger and a propensity toward violence during the time the friend and the girl's father were dating, WHY WHY WHY did she marry that guy???

I mean, the man should have put his dd before a new relationship with I.Dup.'s friend, but even if he didn't, her friend should have walked away if she knew the girl was having those kinds of problems, and not just for the sake of the father-daughter relationship, but also (mainly!) for the happiness and safety of her own ds.

Again, if she didn't know what it would be like, and if the girl's aggression/hatred toward her and her ds is a new thing, it may not have been something she could have predicted, but if there was evidence of it before the marriage, she shouldn't have been thinking about being in love with the guy; she should have been thinking about her own son's welfare... and the guy should have been putting his dd first, as well.

[albeto.]

I think you're way overthinking the OP's intentions for this thread.

My impression was that she was worried about her friend and wanted to discuss the situation with us, to give her some different perspectives and to help her try to find some ideas that would help her friend.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure why you consider all of our opinions to be so completely useless. It doesn't take an advanced degree or special "qualifications" to say what you would do in a particular situation. I'm sure I.Dup. will correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't think she was looking for scientific research or a professional consultation. I thought she wanted to hear others' personal feelings about what was happening in her friend's life and how they might handle a similar situation.

You can call it gossip or the deliberate spreading of misinformation, but it's really nothing more than a group of people sharing their opinions and experiences. It's not some sort of anti-science, anti-professional-help conspiracy.

I assume that I.Dup. is reading our posts and agreeing with some and disagreeing with others, but IMO, she is being very gracious about it. It doesn't matter if, in the end, she tosses out all of our opinions as being worthless to her friend. That's not the point. She wanted to talk to people about something that was worrying her, and I think we have been having a pretty good discussion.

 

I'm not talking about the OP's intentions, nor am I suggesting, or even implying everyone's opinion is completely useless. I do understand she wanted to hear others' personal feelings about what was happening in her friend's life and how they might handle a similar situation. I just want to make sure this is clear. 

[Catwoman]

I'm not talking about the OP's intentions, nor am I suggesting, or even implying everyone's opinion is completely useless. I do understand she wanted to hear others' personal feelings about what was happening in her friend's life and how they might handle a similar situation. I just want to make sure this is clear.

Thanks for clarifying, albeto! :)

[MinivanMom]

I absolutely disagree. There aren't enough words to describe how messed up I think it would be to have my xh sleep in my house with me and my new husband. When he drops ds14 off we are polite and sometimes offer a beverage....but we aren't one big happy family.

 

I didn't say they were one big happy family; I said that they put the needs of the children first. Her children need their biological father in their lives. Just because he was a lousy husband who cheated on her doesn't mean that he's a lousy father. She chose to get remarried and then to move with her new husband when he got a new job. It is absolutely in the best interest of her children to do what she can to foster a strong relationship now that they no longer have their biological father living locally. I'm not saying that this is what everyone can or should do, but it is an example of what it looks like to put the kids first in a blended family. My friend is fortunate that they are well-off and live in a large home with a first floor guest suite. The situation is still a little awkward, but she values her children's bond with their father more than her own discomfort over hosting her ex. She's not the only person I've known who has done this, though. There is nothing "messed up" about trying to facilitate visitation in a long-distance situation.

 

In fact, my friend's current husband's ex (who moved along with them and is also a friend of mine) has remarried since moving here and had a child with her new husband. My friend has watched their child (the half-sibling of her stepchildren) while they've gone on vacation. Why not? She loves her stepchildren, and this is their half-sibling. Wouldn't a mature adult want to foster relationships between the children? It's not their fault that the adults in their lives have made poor choices that disrupted their families of origin. These kids (all of them) are some of the most grounded, mature teens I have ever met. All of them are doing great, and I will freely attribute it to great parenting on the part of all the parents involved. They don't let their own anger, resentment, or awkwardness spill over onto the kids, and everyone has benefitted. I only hope that I could be so gracious in similar circumstances.
 

[Joanne]

She is in court-ordered counseling 2 times a week, a teen outreach program (?) 4 nights a week, family counseling with her mom weekly and the other week with her dad over the phone. She is also on meds.

 

The adults involved should be working with the professionals involved in the best interest of the minor child. Period. That should be a primary resource focus in terms of time, energy, etc.

 

 

Okay to do those things? No. Expect it to happen to a teen who feels they are being wronged constantly? yes. Well, except breaking things, but I can see it happening. Is there a way to stop it or set limits? Not for a step mother to a teenager. The parent would have to be the one to do that.

 

 

It seems that the bio parents divorced, possibly handled the parenting through divorce poorly and maybe selfishly. The child, possibly pre-disposed genetically to mental illness came up against a life situation in which that potentiality came to fruition.

 

You can't "make" a teen do or not do anything. Your power is in creating an environment and relationship in which certain behavior is more or less likely. Your friend has THAT power, and would be a good use of her integrity skill set.

 

 

Yes, but the bio mom's main concern is getting more money and she also tends to spoil the daughter. The bio dad (my friend's husband) regularly goes up to visit and sleeps in the bio mom's house, which my friend is uncomfortable with.

 

 

The Dad (remarried, and moving on with his life) absolutely and positively has to do what he can to be a constant and consistent presence in her life. I am also typically sketchy of third party/new wife descriptions of "spoiled" because I have found things are rarely so clear cut and there is obvious bias.I'

 

 

Thankfully the dad agreed to get the daughter out of the house, she was living with them for awhile but it was a nightmare. My friend is genuinely concerned for her safety and the safety of her son.

 

You and friend might be "thankful" but I'm guessing the challenged teen views and experiences it differently.

 

 

I

I think anytime a grown woman places herself in a position to feel that a man's own child is "taking time away" from her, that woman has a problem.  If one of my children were struggling (and I have BTDT) I would spend whatever time it took to help him or her and make things right. So if the child needs the time, the parent gives it. 

 

 

I have been a step mom of a troubled teen. My kids have been step kids - and one was a troubled teen. Consistent and positive time with bio parents HAS to take priority over the new marriage - period.

 

I've nothing to add but I would suggest that you delete the content of the text. This was between the mom and the stepdaughter and the situation could get much worse if the stepdaughter found this thread with the text and details in it.

Thank you. It is a violation that it was posted.

 

Children aren't placed in counselling and on medication because they are "spoiled."  She isn't cussing, lashing out, etc. because she is a bad child.  She is a human being with a mental condition that needs treatment.  Calling her crazy or psycho doesn't make the problem go away nor absolve the adults in her life from responsibility.  Name calling only serves to dehumanize those who are most difficult to help.  That doesn't make those individuals any less worthy of our care. 

 

If your friend truly cares about her new DH and those he loves, then she should be furiously researching this child's condition(s) and seeking out expert advice on how to best assist the child rather than trying to impose neurotypical behavior patterns without any guidance.  You cannot by force of will make a child with a mental illness well. 

Exactly.

 

The text reads like an angry teen, not fully mature, who does not have a warm, affectionate, safe or caring relationship with "step mom." The child lashes out because she does not have a filter - built through love and care - to stop herself.

 

This teen needs the relationships with her adults radically changed in a positive trajectory. If your friend is unable, she needs to get out of the way and support Dad in doing what he can to mitigate earlier mistakes and change course now.

[MomatHWTK]

....

Blaming the parents does do one thing: it makes the world seem like a more predictable place and gives people a false sense of control, security, and superiority. It helps a person feel like, "That could never happen to me because I am a good parent." It takes some of the scary random chaos quotient out of the equation. That makes people feel better but is poison for the family trying to deal with a truly mentally ill kid.

 

 

:iagree:

[I.Dup.]

Thank you. It is a violation that it was posted.

 

Really, Joanne? A "violation?" No names, you don't even know who I am let alone who my friend is or who this girl is. Please. But whatever, I deleted it, I think the ship has now sailed.

[Joanne]

Really, Joanne? A "violation?" No names, you don't even know who I am let alone who my friend is or who this girl is. Please. But whatever, I deleted it, I think the ship has now sailed.

Yes, really. The words of a troubled 16 year old have been posted without consent or permission. The post was by the friend of the troubled teen's step-mom. Violations in layers.

The 16 year old has enough going on; to post her words on a public forum is the definition of violation.

 

Edited to make the antecedents clear.

[I.Dup.]

The words of a troubled 16 year old have been posted with your consent or permission by the friend of her step-mom.
 

 

Beg pardon?

 

But okay, Joanne. Whatever you say.