I'm struggling to forgive...prayers and faith-based advice needed

[Twinmom]

I'm in a tough spot and could use some prayer. God is calling me to forgive someone who hurt my child, albeit unintentionally (negligently, but unintentionally), but it changed the course of our lives. It is clear looking back that those changes were God-ordained and that they have worked out for the best for both my child and myself. Great things came out of this...are still coming of this. However, it was a hard time getting there, I'm tired from the battle and my heart has not yet softened completely...neither to her, nor to the changes that resulted in my own life.

 

I'm struggling to let go of the bitterness, and God's not letting me alone about it! Isn't that just like Him? ;) The gal has not only ended up in my VERY small church in my VERY small town, but is in my new, itty bitty little home group as well. Funny how God does that. I got "dumped" by my fiance in college for another girl, and that girl ended up in my BSF small group completely across the country a few years later! (We ended up close friends, who'd have thought it?) He knows that when I come face to face with someone, I'm unable to hold onto my anger. I show far more mercy in person than I do when I'm stewing (which I am now, obviously!).

 

She wasn't there this week (my first week), but next Sunday I'll be face to face with her, and she and I will both know we have to deal with it. I'm open to that, but just the thought of going back to that "moment" makes me cry, KWIM? (When I went this week and found out she was a member, I sort of freaked and had to go compose myself.) It's pretty obvious to me that God is forcing me to deal AND to heal, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength to do so. Perhaps the problem is that I am using all my strength to fight AGAINST it, now that I think about it.

 

OK, so there it is. I admitted to all of it! I'm being a slouch and I know it. I'm sitting here trying to do my Bible study and I know that my unforgiveness is coming between me and my worship. Will you pray for me? Also, if you have any thoughts on how I can get a grip before next Sunday afternoon, let me know! ;) Verses welcome...

 

Thanks,

[snickelfritz]

I pray for the person.

 

Not just that they see the error of their ways.:D

 

But, I pray good things for them. Like I would pray for a friend.

 

And I force myself to be kind.

 

Over time, it helps.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

:grouphug: Praying. Please let us know how it goes. :grouphug:

 

I don't think you sound anything like a slouch - not even close. I've often thought how hard it would be to be on either side of the relationship you describe - the parent of the hurt child or the person who caused it. You sound like a wise, compassionate woman struggling to do the right thing.

[cin]

Not to dismiss your feelings, but is your child going to be OK with seeing this person? I know that most of the time our children are much more resilient and forgiving than we are, but just something else to think about too.

 

For you, I would pray for strength and grace. And for the courage to forgive. And I would pray for her. That God would give her sensitivity to your heart. And for her life in general. Once you pray for a person, it changes your heart towardes them.

 

:grouphug:

[Twinmom]

Not to dismiss your feelings, but is your child going to be OK with seeing this person? I know that most of the time our children are much more resilient and forgiving than we are, but just something else to think about too.

 

:grouphug:

 

She doesn't have a clue. Literally. It's impossible to explain without going into more detail that I should publically, but DD doesn't know what happened. I know, however...therein lies the rub.

[Twinmom]

I appreciate the advice to pray for her. I've been praying for ME instead! You are right...it is impossible to stay bitter when you are praying for someone.

 

And Heather, thanks. I still feel like a slouch, but your feedback is encouraging! I keep thinking of how much God has forgiven me and then comparing that to my own willingness to forgive. Ouch. :o

[Tracy in Ky]

I understand your struggle. My advice would be to keep on asking God to help you forgive. The Holy Spirit is working, else you wouldn't even care if you forgave or not. That should be a comfort. It also helps me to remember that I, too, have been forgiven, and I must forgive in order to be forgiven.

 

Also, remember that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean that you automatically trust this person. You may never trust this person again. It doesn't mean that you open yourself up wide to this person. It doesn't mean that you leave this person with your child, or ever let this person have interaction with your child. You may forgive and still behave wisely and exercise caution.

 

You can't do this alone. Jesus will help you. Some days you will feel more charitable towards this person than other days. Jesus stands ready to forgive you for the days you feel vindictive towards her. And if she is a Christian, then He already has taken the punishment for her action. That is a sobering thought.

 

Keep pleading for His help. You will be rewarded in heaven for your pursuit of holiness. God is glorified in your perseverance through this struggle; you are showing that He is such a magnificent treasure, that He is worth struggling for and fighting to obey. You value Him more than your own personal comfort and ease. It is sometimes so hard to forgive. You are glorifying Him and saying to the world, "Jesus is so valuable, and so supremely beautiful, that it is worth my suffering and struggling to gain Him."

 

Your testimony is beautiful.

 

Hugs,

Tracy in Ky

[Pata]

I have dealt with having to forgive someone who was close to me(a family member) and they have noremeberance of the damage that they had done. Not exactly the same situation, but I'll share my struggle and hope it doesn't hit too much of a nerve.

 

For me it was just easier to stay mad, even though God wouldn't leave me alone about it. I felt justified, I was in the right and they were in the wrong. God showed me that there is nothing that I will have to forgive that Christ hasn't already forgiven me for. In the light of the cross and what he suffered how could I hold my grudge in a way it was making light of what He had suffered for me. I just continued to pray that He would change my heart and give me the love for this person that He had for them. I was a long road for me but I am far better off. I have a relationship with said person and I can talk to them/see them without seeing red so to speak. I can honestly say that I love them and care for them. I do keep my wits about me and there are certain things I won't do because of the past. I'd still be careful about your child's interaction with this person, but in your heart you can have peace. Everybody sins and makes mistakes, the freedom is found in mercy and grace. God has already given us so much mercy and grace, how can we not pass it on? When we forgive the unforgivable we are showing others exactly what God has done for us. Hope that helps!

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: What a situation.

 

I just woke up, and the Third Day lyrics "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God" are playing in my head. I find that when I am asked to forgive someone it is hard. Those bitter roots show up when you least expect them. But we are asked to show forgiveness to help ourselves grow.

 

If you hold forgiveness against this person you hold back God's grace and mercy from them. In order to see the world through God's eyes you should see them as His child too. That does not release them from consequences, but it allows them to grow and change. You know that sign, Please be patient God isn't finished with me yet. That applies to her as well.

 

I believe that when we forgive we are given a deeper understanding of His grace and mercy and isn't that the point of being around other believers, and Bible study to grow in Him? It would be nice if we could simply read the Bible, gain some revelation and grow in that manner. God asks us to put his words and our faith in action sometimes in oddest times and places.

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. :grouphug:

[lynn]

You know the lady that wronged you probably does not thing twice about it but here you are struggling and feeling bitter and she has no clue. You are only harming yourself by holding bitterness instead of taking the few minutes it will take to talk to that person. Can you not go to her home today or perhaps call and invite her to your home?

[Jugglin'5]

I think you've gotten some great advice, Twinmom. I hope this gets easier for you soon. I have sure been there myself.

[Twinmom]

Thanks for the encouragement and support, ladies. Keep it coming...I can take it! ;)

 

I'm going to ponder your advice as I make my loonngg drive back and forth to my DD's vision therapy this morning, and see if I can let God have the reins here. Be back this afternoon, hopefully with a softer heart.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

first I realize I need to forgive. That's step one. From there it is a daily, sometimes hourly, choice to walk out that forgiveness. That only comes through God and His strength because, really, forgiveness goes against the grain of human emotions. When I'm confronted with the choice to be angry, frustrated, bitter, rude, or proud around that person I'm working through forgiveness on, I, through God, am able to choose gentleness, patience, joy, peace, love, self-control instead.

 

God is so good. He wants our character to reflect Him and His nature so He gives us opportunities to rely on Him to learn about who He is so we can better reflect Him to others.

 

:grouphug:Prayers to you as you walk through this journey of forgiveness.

[LisaNY]

This is something that I try to remember when I struggle in this area: Forgiveness is an act of the will - when you obey, and forgive, the feelings will follow.

 

The Bait of Satan by John Bevere is an *excellent* book on offenses and forgiveness. It helped our congregation through a very, very difficult split years ago. I think *everyone* should read this book. It is truly revolutionary.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Prayers:grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

This is something that I try to remember when I struggle in this area: Forgiveness is an act of the will - when you obey, and forgive, the feelings will follow.

 

The Bait of Satan by John Bevere is an *excellent* book on offenses and forgiveness. It helped our congregation through a very, very difficult split years ago. I think *everyone* should read this book. It is truly revolutionary.

 

This is so true. So often people rely on their feelings to lead them in the area of forgiveness and they end up wallowing in negative emotions and allowing bitterness to take hold.

 

Has this person asked you for forgiveness? If not, there really can't be TRUE forgiveness or reconciliation until she does BUT you can have the spirit of forgiveness in your heart and treat her as if she's forgiven. Jesus died on the cross so that our sins would be forgiven, but unless we come to him in repentance and ask to be forgiven, His death doesn't save us. Does that make sense?

 

Either way, whether she's asked you to forgive her or not, you do need to have the attitude of forgiveness and that is a conscious act (and often a difficult one!). You're going to have to "self-talk" yourself into focusing on something other than what this person did to your child. It's times like this that Philippians 4:8 comes handy:

 

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

 

:grouphug:

[Stacey in MA]

I sometimes have to remind myself that behaving the right way (kind, considerate, merciful, forgiving, etc.) doesn't alway have to FEEL good. These things are sometimes a habit that has to start somewhere. Just like dieting or starting exercise. Those don't FEEL good when we start them, but yet if we stick to the actual DOING of them, the habit happens and the task becomes easier, and eventually it becomes our "norm". So when I find I can't get over myself, my bad emotion, my chaotic thinking, etc., sometimes I back it up a step and say "so what, who cares what I'm FEELING. I'm giong to push all that aside and simply behave the way I know I should - the way I know I'll be proud of after this fury of emotion subsides. It doesn't have to feel right for now. It doesn't even have to be genuine yet. It just has to "be". Eventually, I will feel it as right."

 

Maybe something like this could be your approach for the time being?

 

GL and hugs! - Stacey in MA

[CLHCO]

This is going to sound rather simplistic. I've had to deal with forgiveness issues though I doubt ones so serious, but this has certainly helped in other areas where I just could not get my emotions under control to do what is right. Without knowing the details, which I shouldn't, I can't say if the advice is sufficient, but perhaps something will help here.

 

Just agree to God that you must forgive, that you will forgive, and that you do forgive... with the grace you know He will give you to do what He has commanded. That is faith, to do as He commands first, and know that He will give you what you need to accomplish it fully.

 

Hand over your bitterness to God to carry and do not take it back from Him. He took your sins, He can handle this too. When you are tempted to take it back, hold every thought captive instead to Christ and act like you are at war, refusing to allow those thoughts to surface. They will at times, but you go to battle, reminding yourself that you have forgiven and gave up those emotions to God.

[Kathleen in VA]

Someone hurt me once in a way that was physically hurtful and humiliating. I had to see this person on a regular basis and very often. Others to whom I went for commiseration did just that - they commiserated and encouraged me in my bitterness. Many people said I had a perfect right to be angry and that the offender should just learn to deal with it. But I knew down deep that my relationship with God was suffering. I couldn't pray, I couldn't sing, I couldn't worship. It was eating me alive.

 

I went through a long period of time where I asked God to help me forgive and I thought at times I had and then that person would appear and I would just want to scream.

 

After years of this, a couple of things happened.

 

First, some Bible verses kept coming into my mind.

 

Matthew 5:14-15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

 

I emphasized the last part because that was the way it kept appearing in my mind. God would not forgive me if I refused to forgive this person.

 

Ephesians 4:32 Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

 

What I kept thinking was that it was possible that sometime in my life I had hurt someone else just as badly as this person now had hurt me (or perhaps in the future, I might). To not forgive would be stating, in a way, that I was somehow a better person (pride!!!) than the person I was choosing not to forgive. Also, it was only by God's grace that I had never done anything to anyone else on the level this person hurt me. I might easily have done something as bad or worse if God had allowed it. I was seeing that my lack of forgiveness was actually pride - pure and simple.

 

The thing that really got me was, one day, as I was bustling about the house cleaning or some such thing, a thought popped into my head that made me have to take a step or two backwards. I thought, "What if I had done something to someone and I wanted to be forgiven by the person I had hurt, but they just flat out refused to do so? How would I feel?" Mind you, this person did not seek my forgiveness - they just acted in a way that seemed to desire me to go on with our friendship even though they never came right out and said, "I'm sorry." I could tell they were hoping I would just move on and treat them as a friend again even though they couldn't bring themselves to come right out with an apology.

 

Anyway, that thought felt like a punch in the stomach. I knew that I would be devastated if I had hurt someone and that person just refused to let go of it. I knew I had to forgive and show that person the same love I would want if it were me - which it very well could be at any point in my life.

 

Then I began to act on that decision - this was very much prompted by the Holy Spirit and I could not have mustered the gumption to do it otherwise. I went out of my way to be cheerful and helpful to the person - genuinely loving and caring. I imagined that person was me and needed desperately to be forgiven. I refused to let the bad memory come into my mind - not easy by any stretch. I literally showered this person with affection and acceptance. It was amazing and I can truly say it was all of God and none of me. If left to my own devices I'm sure I'd still be stewing to this day. God just reached in and turned me inside out - he pushed and prodded inwardly until I wasn't just willing to concede forgiveness, but was actually warm and tender towards this person.

 

I haven't thought resentfully about that hurtful moment in years and the relationship has blossomed.

 

Praise God! He forgives us so that we can forgive others. I have come to realize that our lives are filled to the brim with forgiving others, needing others to forgive us and needing God to forgive us and fill us with His love so that we are able to forgive. Forgiveness, in one way or another, seems to be the theme of my life.

 

To not forgive is to say I don't need forgiveness. That is pride and is also a lie. Satan delights when we refuse to forgive. It is just the foothold he needs to plant that root of bitterness. Bitterness leads to sin every. single. time. When we are bitter, we get to a point, sooner or later, that we don't care what God or anyone else thinks about our behavior and we then slip quite easily into sin. Satan couldn't be more pleased.

 

Not to forgive is self-destruction. Satan is the destroyer and we are playing right into his hand when we won't forgive.

 

Also, since all the events of our lives are ordered by God and flow through His providential care, if we choose not to forgive, we are, in essence saying that God made a mistake. We know on an intellectual level that that cannot be true, but our lack of forgiveness shows that we really must believe that somehow God messed up when He allowed this person to hurt us. That, too, is a delight to Satan and will surely damage our testimony.

 

When we can say, in the midst of a very hurtful situation, that God is good and is good all the time, then God gets much glory. That is why we are here on this earth - to glorify God. Like Job, when we can say, "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord," we are showing the world that we trust God to bring good out of any situation and that brings Him much glory.

 

Think of forgiving this person as an adventure to bring glory to God. Think of forgiving this person as how you would want to be treated if it had been you that did the hurting. Think of how great a salvation you have received in Christ, even though you don't deserve it, and how He forgave you for all your sins. The word Christian means "little Christ" - God is giving you a wonderful opportunity to be just that, manifesting His love and forgiveness through your love and forgiveness towards this person. How awesome is that?!

 

Well, as usual, I've rambled on quite a bit - sure hope something I said was worthwhile:).

[TammyinTN]

I'm on my knees alot these days..I'll be lifting you up in prayer.:grouphug:

[ChrisN in NY]

I'm afraid I don't have the strength to do so.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

No, none of us, within ourselves, have the strength to do this. That strength can only come from the Lord.

 

I understand how hard it is, but you will be so FREE and at peace.

 

Praying for you

[The Governess]

I pray for the person.

 

Not just that they see the error of their ways.:D

 

But, I pray good things for them. Like I would pray for a friend.

 

And I force myself to be kind.

 

Over time, it helps.

 

:iagree: Praying diligently for another person is a great way to foster love for them. And it is much easier to be forgiving towards someone you love. I'm so sorry you are being faced with such a difficult task. I hope that facing it eventually brings you healing.

 

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I pray for the person.

 

Not just that they see the error of their ways.:D

 

But, I pray good things for them. Like I would pray for a friend.

 

And I force myself to be kind.

 

Over time, it helps.

 

I had/have a similar situation (not involving a child, though) and this *other* person is a member of the family so I see her often on holidays.

It's just never easy. It has helped me to specifically think well of her and chant "grace, grace" whenever a negative thought comes to mind.

When Snickelfritz says "it helps over time", this is significant because it will take time. I wish we could just push the "forgive" button and be done with it. Evidently it does not work this way.

In my case it's been around 15 years and still to this day, occasionally bad thoughts creep in and I have to straighten myself out quickly before it gets too deep.

I think, the devil is enjoying it when we remain caught in the trap and sometimes the only thing that makes me want to remind myself that it's been forgiven, is the thought that I do not want to please the devil.

It may help too to think of yourself as rising above it and viewing it as giving the gift of forgiveness.

[Twinmom]

I'm overwhelmed by your kind, thoughtful and wise responses. Really, I have tears in my eyes over it! You all have given me a lot of food for thought, support and good, practical solutions. I cannot thank you enough. This may be "just a board," but today you have been Christ for me. I feel covered in prayer, understood, forgiven myself and supported.

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

[Chris in CA]

Jennifer,

First off :grouphug: this is hard.

I just wanted to share the wee bit of wisdom I might have on this -

Forgiveness is what we do out of obedience most often before the feeling comes. IOW, forgive and then the feeling of forgiveness will follow. This is speaking from experience - unforgiveness as I can see you know will only hurt YOU. I've been called to forgive people who really could care less if I did or not - and those who think there is nothing to forgive - its hard, its humbling.... but it is what is best for you.

I'm impressed by your insight, I'm sure God will bless it.

hth

[Twinmom]

Oh, and just so you know, I'm working my way down the thread repping you all as fast as the system will let me! ;) Thanks again...

[Nakia]

I am praying for you! :grouphug:

 

And I am curious about what part of WNC you live in. I am in Maggie Valley. :)

[Nakia]

Jennifer,

First off :grouphug: this is hard.

I just wanted to share the wee bit of wisdom I might have on this -

Forgiveness is what we do out of obedience most often before the feeling comes. IOW, forgive and then the feeling of forgiveness will follow. This is speaking from experience - unforgiveness as I can see you know will only hurt YOU. I've been called to forgive people who really could care less if I did or not - and those who think there is nothing to forgive - its hard, its humbling.... but it is what is best for you.

I'm impressed by your insight, I'm sure God will bless it.

hth

 

Beautiful post! I am all out of rep for the day, but I'll catch you tomorrow!

[WTMindy]

I'm in a tough spot and could use some prayer. God is calling me to forgive someone who hurt my child, albeit unintentionally (negligently, but unintentionally), but it changed the course of our lives. It is clear looking back that those changes were God-ordained and that they have worked out for the best for both my child and myself. Great things came out of this...are still coming of this. However, it was a hard time getting there, I'm tired from the battle and my heart has not yet softened completely...neither to her, nor to the changes that resulted in my own life.

 

I'm struggling to let go of the bitterness, and God's not letting me alone about it! Isn't that just like Him? ;) The gal has not only ended up in my VERY small church in my VERY small town, but is in my new, itty bitty little home group as well. Funny how God does that. I got "dumped" by my fiance in college for another girl, and that girl ended up in my BSF small group completely across the country a few years later! (We ended up close friends, who'd have thought it?) He knows that when I come face to face with someone, I'm unable to hold onto my anger. I show far more mercy in person than I do when I'm stewing (which I am now, obviously!).

 

She wasn't there this week (my first week), but next Sunday I'll be face to face with her, and she and I will both know we have to deal with it. I'm open to that, but just the thought of going back to that "moment" makes me cry, KWIM? (When I went this week and found out she was a member, I sort of freaked and had to go compose myself.) It's pretty obvious to me that God is forcing me to deal AND to heal, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength to do so. Perhaps the problem is that I am using all my strength to fight AGAINST it, now that I think about it.

 

OK, so there it is. I admitted to all of it! I'm being a slouch and I know it. I'm sitting here trying to do my Bible study and I know that my unforgiveness is coming between me and my worship. Will you pray for me? Also, if you have any thoughts on how I can get a grip before next Sunday afternoon, let me know! ;) Verses welcome...

 

Thanks,

 

Oh, I'm so sorry!! What a hard position to be in, and how wonderful that you are so willing!! I'm praying for you!!

[Guest irbikesdad]

It is great that you are listening to Him and know what you need to do. He won't go away (if you're lucky), so just do what you know is right. usually the hard battles have the greatest returns, and your resentment will never soften until you can forgive. (but you already know all this.)

 

God never gives us tasks that we can not do. You have the strength, you know it is what He wants you to do. Be strong - you can do this. and you know you won't be at ease until you do. don't put it off! You deserve peace of mind.

 

You may not become BFF's with this person, but you will be able to move on and be happy again. This is the task, and the promise, that comes from God. Believe and you can. And when you do, you will be amazed at how easy it was, and how good you feel knowing you followed His wishes.

 

The more you do these things, the easier it gets. You have my prayers, now "Just do it!"

__________

Rich

ds - 12

dd - 9

[sassenach]

I'm struggling with putting this post into words, because I'm not sure how to sum up what my walk with God has been on this subject. I have found that in my 2 worst struggles to forgive, what I was mostly fighting against was God's change in my plans.

 

The first time was when my son was born. He had major complications that could have been prevented if not for a bad call on the part of my doctor. Even though I knew it wasn't HIS fault, he was where all my hurt and anger went. He made a call based on his knowledge and experience. He made a mistake. A mistake that was human. It took years and years before I could face the fact that what I was really not forgiving was God. I liked my plan for ds better than the one God gave me. Then, I saw it. I glimpsed what God was up to. In the midst of my pain and grief, I could see where God was sending our family and I was ok with it. We are in ministry now. I don't honestly know if my dh would even be a believer if it weren't for this experience. Now, ds is 8 and I am seeing more and more of God's ministry for my ds. My ds who cannot walk or talk has a ministry of his own. God had a plan all along.

 

My second and very, very recent experience is different, but the same. We left our church last year, rather abruptly- not by choice. It basically boiled down to church politics (just in case your wondering, it had nothing to do with moral failure on my dh's part). I was incredibly hurt. We both were. The end result is we made a cross country move to become part of a new church. I have been struggling to forgive 2 people involved for the last year. I knew I had to, but I just didn't know what to do! It kept coming up and I kept telling God I was willing, but I just didn't FEEL it. I could say the words, but if I thought for 5 seconds about the way they wronged me, I'd be back to stewing. It's so frustrating when you're willing to forgive, but just can't! So I just gave up on it for awhile.

 

When we moved here, someone who was previously part of the ministry here was laid off. He has since moved on to a new and better position at a different local church. I knew his wife had some hard feelings about it (even though dh had no part of him being laid off, it was an elder decision), but I thought that now that they had this new position, she wouldn't be upset. They just had a baby and I happened to run into her at an evening service at our church. I felt some tension, but thought I'd go ahead and say congrats on the baby. What I received was the coldest response that I have experienced since high school. I just couldn't believe it, and no, I wasn't misreading her. She was very clear. So I sat there praying. Why would she be so bitter when 1) I didn't do anything (!) and 2) God brought them to this new ministry, doesn't she see that they had to lose the last job in order to get where God wanted them? And then God spoke to my heart, "Shannon, did you catch that last sentence?" Yes lord. Wow, I did it again. It wasn't the 2 guys that I wasn't forgiving, it was God. I liked life where we were. I was in my comfort zone. I didn't want to move. Things were easier before. Clarity came. I don't know if God works like this with everyone, but I have had multiple times when God has lifted a "feeling" right out of me. I really don't know how to explain it. I just instantly felt my bitterness leave.

 

So, I tell you all of that to tell you this- I will be praying for you! If forgiveness came easy, I don't know that we'd appreciate just how great He is in healing us.

[Twinmom]

I have found that in my 2 worst struggles to forgive, what I was mostly fighting against was God's change in my plans.

 

It took years and years before I could face the fact that what I was really not forgiving was God. I liked my plan for ds better than the one God gave me.

 

It wasn't the 2 guys that I wasn't forgiving, it was God. I liked life where we were. I was in my comfort zone. I didn't want to move. Things were easier before. Clarity came.

 

 

Well, Shannon, you nailed it. That's it in a nutshell. Are you sitting on my shoulder right now? ;)

 

I grabbed a few quotes from your post that stand out to me, because the more I think about it, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm holding onto my anger about the situation because I don't want to forgive God for the changes this wrought in my life. I LIKED my life the way it was. We'd just moved to this small town from the big city during a cross country move (which I thought was enough change, thank you very much!), and I was looking forward to a year of calm, peace and time to heal after years of stress with our boys (another long story). Then, I encountered this woman, and my whole plan changed. I was instantly put to hard work, hung out to dry, no time to rest, no peace, etc. I'm exhausted. But, that is the way God wanted it. There is a plan in there that has resulted in major healing for DD and my family. I have good things I didn't have before, if I'll be humble enough to admit it.

 

But, I'm not ready to admit to it. And there's the rub.

 

I think I know better than God, like my plan better, would have done it differently. But the truth is, His plan is better than mine and He KNEW I wouldn't follow Him in this regard without the trauma of what happened with this woman. Had He literally not forced my hand completely, I'd have run back to TX with my tail between my legs and lived a life outside of His will. I wouldn't be home schooling. DD wouldn't have found healing. I wouldn't be on this message board tonight. I wouldn't have the life He wanted to give me, the one He knew was better for me than the one I'd choose for myself. I wouldn't have landed on my feet, might have lost my DD in the process. Instead, she's here tonight happily waking me up at 4 am during her birthday "sleepover party" (sleep, who needs that? ;)) so that I can come down here and read the words that tell me what I should have already known.

 

I am not submitting to God. I need to forgive Him, fully give myself to the plan He wrought for me, for my good and the good of my family. I need to stop blaming this poor woman for what GOD was doing in my life, and move on. Sounds like God and I have some talking to do...

 

You blessed me tonight. Thanks for struggling through putting it into words so I could hear what God was saying!

[OH Kim]

I spoke with my father confessor about bitterness on Sunday.

 

Succinctly, he said:

 

"Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

 

"Why waste a perfectly good opportunity to learn to be like Christ - to pray for your enemies and learn to love them?"

 

Hope this helps. I know your struggle very well right now.

 

Kim

[NevadaRabbit]

OK, so there it is. I admitted to all of it! I'm being a slouch and I know it. I'm sitting here trying to do my Bible study and I know that my unforgiveness is coming between me and my worship. Will you pray for me? Also, if you have any thoughts on how I can get a grip before next Sunday afternoon, let me know! ;) Verses welcome...

 

Thanks,

 

Twinmom, I will hold you in my prayers. You've received some real wisdom in this thread already, and I'm not sure I can add to it - maybe say it differently - but I'm giving hearty nods to those who have been stating that forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision.

 

World's version of forgiveness: to say "it's okay", to accept the offender fully back into your trust, to feel warm fuzzies toward the offender and forget all about the offense. This version dooms us to fail to forgive according to the world's definition, because our flesh cannot forget and we can't drum up the warm fuzzies.

 

The truth: forgiveness is a choice, a decision, to not hold the offense against the offender. To not remind them of the offense, and to not remind ourselves of the offense. It is an act of the will. The desire to forgive is from God, the power to forgive is from God, the ability to forgive is from God. Cry out to Him for all of it. It's not about trusting the offender again; she'll need to earn that and that might not be possible, at least not to a full extent. It's not about feeling fuzzy toward her; it's about loving her with agape love that stems from God, not fuzzy love but love that wants His best for her. It is about obeying God's clear instruction to love one another and forgive one another's offenses as we have been forgiven.

 

Shannon831's post was spot-on. Often, we are angry at God for derailing our plans and changing our agendas. I'm not sure I can put into words how blasphemous it feels to me to realize that about myself - what right does the clay have to say anything to the Potter about what He is doing? 'God can never make us into wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us.' ~ Oswald Chambers. 'Pride is self, contending with God for pre-eminence.' ~ Charles Bridges

 

The Word has been teaching me much about the flesh lately, and I see the struggle to forgive as a classic example of the battle between flesh (our human nature) and the Spirit's work in us to conform us to the image of the Son. If I may make a suggestion, it would be to go soak in God's Word. Specifically, Romans 5-8 about living victoriously over our flesh. In Christ, we have the victory. Our flesh (unwillingness to forgive) no longer enslaves us. The Psalms are a beautiful way to put words to our anguish - pray them out loud to God. The most powerful, life changing prayer I've ever prayed is Psalm 139:23-24. Search me, know me, change me. The offender, the offense - that's outside my sphere of control. Search me, change me. Take this ugly burden off my back, Lord, I cannot carry it.

 

Finally, "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer (proseuchomai - worshipping God for who He is - acknowledge His sovereignty over all) and supplication (deasis - cry out for help) with thanksgiving (eucharistia - gratitude for past, present, and future) let your requests (aiteo - a specific request in line with God's will) be made known to God.

 

Look at the four steps outlined there: acknowledge God's sovereignty - stop objecting to the Potter - and cry out for help. Thank Him for His work in you in the past and in this situation and in the future. Be specific in your request, knowing that to forgive others is absolutely in His will for you. What happens?

 

"The peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Peace. His peace. GO for it! Seek it! Your feelings toward this other person, and indeed any relationship you may have with her in the future, is not the end objective here. Peace with God is.

 

"The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey you in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront....Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is." ~ Oswald Chambers

 

Praying for you. :grouphug:

[NevadaRabbit]

I am not submitting to God. I need to forgive Him, fully give myself to the plan He wrought for me, for my good and the good of my family. I need to stop blaming this poor woman for what GOD was doing in my life, and move on. Sounds like God and I have some talking to do...

 

You blessed me tonight. Thanks for struggling through putting it into words so I could hear what God was saying!

 

Gently, carefully - Twinmom - God has not wronged nor offended you in any way. You do not need to forgive Him - you need to ask His forgiveness for your rebellion. This woman is indeed responsible for her actions. She is not a puppet. Forgive her if she has wronged you, but it's not God who needs anyone's forgiveness.

[GSMP]

I haven't read all the replies yet but I wanted you to know that God can give you the forgiveness you need.

 

He did it for me and I had to forgive some pretty horrendous stuff. Physical and sexual abuse done by family members.

 

I was in bible college sitting in chapel and the person speaking was talking about bitterness and how it hampers our life for God.

 

I couldn't deal with it anymore. I cried out to God to put the forgiveness in my heart for me. To help me see these people the way His Son sees them. To give me compassion and love for these same people.

 

My husband can tell you that God did an amazing job. I have forgiven them....I just hadn't forgiven myself. That is the journey I am on now.

 

Tell God you don't have the forgiveness to give and need Him to place it in your heart. Then make sure you are not harboring any ill feelings toward yourself. Blaming yourself for not being able to protect your child at the time.

 

God can give you that forgiveness....

[DB in NJ]

:grouphug: I'll be praying for you. You've gotten some wonderful advice; I have nothing to add.

 

(((Jennifer))))

[sassenach]

Gently, carefully - Twinmom - God has not wronged nor offended you in any way. You do not need to forgive Him - you need to ask His forgiveness for your rebellion. This woman is indeed responsible for her actions. She is not a puppet. Forgive her if she has wronged you, but it's not God who needs anyone's forgiveness.

 

Since Twinmom's post was a spin off of my own, I'd like to respond.

 

Hmm, I see what your saying and I do agree, but I think it's a matter of semantics. I guess the better way of phrasing it (in my post) would have been acceptance and repentance. The reason I said forgive is because of how what I thought was unforgiveness of these other people, was really my struggle to accept God's plan. Forgive God may not be the way to phrase it, but it's the best way that I could make that connection. I very much related to David during these periods. So many times his Psalms expressed anger toward God, and yet he was a man that God delighted in. I think it's because of the raw honesty. God knows that those feelings are in there, and he wants us to get them out. Shifting them onto other people makes US feel better (because who wants to admit that they're mad at God?), but I think it ultimately blocks us from healing. Hence the struggle of *wanting* to forgive, but somehow not being able to get there.

 

Anyhow, this is my experience, but not necessarily how God works these things out in everyone. It always amazes me how God custom fits His revelations to us. What is a light-bulb moment for me may not be for others. I share just so God can use it if it's His plan.

 

Thanks for the gentle correction.

[sassenach]

Well, Shannon, you nailed it. That's it in a nutshell. Are you sitting on my shoulder right now? ;)

 

I grabbed a few quotes from your post that stand out to me, because the more I think about it, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm holding onto my anger about the situation because I don't want to forgive God for the changes this wrought in my life. I LIKED my life the way it was. We'd just moved to this small town from the big city during a cross country move (which I thought was enough change, thank you very much!), and I was looking forward to a year of calm, peace and time to heal after years of stress with our boys (another long story). Then, I encountered this woman, and my whole plan changed. I was instantly put to hard work, hung out to dry, no time to rest, no peace, etc. I'm exhausted. But, that is the way God wanted it. There is a plan in there that has resulted in major healing for DD and my family. I have good things I didn't have before, if I'll be humble enough to admit it.

 

But, I'm not ready to admit to it. And there's the rub.

 

I think I know better than God, like my plan better, would have done it differently. But the truth is, His plan is better than mine and He KNEW I wouldn't follow Him in this regard without the trauma of what happened with this woman. Had He literally not forced my hand completely, I'd have run back to TX with my tail between my legs and lived a life outside of His will. I wouldn't be home schooling. DD wouldn't have found healing. I wouldn't be on this message board tonight. I wouldn't have the life He wanted to give me, the one He knew was better for me than the one I'd choose for myself. I wouldn't have landed on my feet, might have lost my DD in the process. Instead, she's here tonight happily waking me up at 4 am during her birthday "sleepover party" (sleep, who needs that? ;)) so that I can come down here and read the words that tell me what I should have already known.

 

I am not submitting to God. I need to forgive Him, fully give myself to the plan He wrought for me, for my good and the good of my family. I need to stop blaming this poor woman for what GOD was doing in my life, and move on. Sounds like God and I have some talking to do...

 

You blessed me tonight. Thanks for struggling through putting it into words so I could hear what God was saying!

 

I'm so happy to hear that my post helped. It's never easy, is it? ((((Hugs))))

[Twinmom]

Gently, carefully - Twinmom - God has not wronged nor offended you in any way. You do not need to forgive Him - you need to ask His forgiveness for your rebellion. This woman is indeed responsible for her actions. She is not a puppet. Forgive her if she has wronged you, but it's not God who needs anyone's forgiveness.

 

Since Twinmom's post was a spin off of my own, I'd like to respond.

 

Hmm, I see what your saying and I do agree, but I think it's a matter of semantics. I guess the better way of phrasing it (in my post) would have been acceptance and repentance. The reason I said forgive is because of how what I thought was unforgiveness of these other people, was really my struggle to accept God's plan. Forgive God may not be the way to phrase it, but it's the best way that I could make that connection.

 

Thanks for the gentle correction.

 

You are both right. Personally, I think God can handle my anger and that using the term "forgiveness" is a human way of expressing the need to have, as Shannon just very accurately put it, acceptance and repentance. NR is also right, however. Got to be careful putting the label "forgiveness" on something with God...it's semantics, but you are right...He doesn't need our forgiveness, we need His.

 

I'm okay with either way of putting it (and I think God can handle it! ;)), but I do like Shannon's rephrase a lot. Acceptance and repentance is a lovely way of looking at it.

 

Thanks, gals.

[Twinmom]

A sidenote:

 

I realize I have left open the impression that there was physical or sexual abuse involved. This is not the case. DD is physically safe with and around this woman. It is a different sort of situation altogether...painful one, but much easier to deal with from an acceptance point of view.

 

For those of you struggling to forgive these kinds of offenses, my heart is with you. I don't want to minimize your struggle by comparing your situation to mine, esp. when I say that I'm struggling to accept what happened as part of God's plan, that I'm angry with God but know He brought it for good in our lives. I do think that all the previous advice is wonderful in terms of forgiving for our own sake, for the sake of obedience, for healing. However, I would not say in those situations that God brought abuse into a person's life for good. He doesn't work that way. He may bring good out of abuse, but I do not believe He is the author of that in someone's life. It grieves Him. My situation grieves me, but it doesn't grieve God. He sees it the way I should see it...as a life change meant as a blessing. A potter and clay thing, as has been aptly put before.

 

Anyway, hugs to those of you dealing with abuse. You are stronger than I would be! If I fold at my situation, how much more would I fold at yours, I'm embarrassed to say.

[NevadaRabbit]

You are both right. Personally, I think God can handle my anger and that using the term "forgiveness" is a human way of expressing the need to have, as Shannon just very accurately put it, acceptance and repentance. NR is also right, however. Got to be careful putting the label "forgiveness" on something with God...it's semantics, but you are right...He doesn't need our forgiveness, we need His.

 

I'm okay with either way of putting it (and I think God can handle it! ;)), but I do like Shannon's rephrase a lot. Acceptance and repentance is a lovely way of looking at it.

 

Thanks, gals.

 

Jennifer, I totally agree with what you're saying. I'm just going to split a hair for a minute because this is the Lord God we're talking about, and it matters to me to get this straight because it's about Him. I am a stickler for handling the truth about God correctly, and I don't mean this to come across as nitpicking your words. I'm just trying to clarify what you and I both are trying to say.

 

I think there are two parts to the equation. Forgiveness is what we do in our relationship to the offender. The only forgiveness we humans offer is horizontal - from one sinner to another.

 

Accept and repent is what we do in our relationship with God. Yes, He can handle our anger and confusion. What He requires is that we seek and yield to His will, and repent when we go astray. The only offense in the God / me relationship is my own sin, so the only forgiveness in this relationship is the forgiveness He offers me.

 

Forgiveness flows down from Him to me; from there it flows outward to those I must forgive - but never back upwards to God.

[Twinmom]

Eliana, that's lovely. Thank you for sharing it with me!

[Tree House Academy]

I am so glad that you have found words of wisdom and grace here. And peace be with you as you forgive this woman. The only way that you can heal the wound that you have inside from this situation is to forgive her and God knows this.

 

I do want to respond to the subject of "forgiving God."

 

When I was 11, my grandfather, who was like a dad to me, died. He suffered 9 long months in a hospital, having one surgery after another, after another, etc. It was horrific. My mom told me to "just pray." So, that I did. So many times, I folded my little hands and I begged God to save my pappy. But it was not in His plan. I don't know why this was God's choice and it totally changed my life and the course my life took. To say it hasn't touched every single area of my life would be a lie. For a long time, I was angry with God over this. I will be the first to admit it. When nothing else could help, I prayed for Him to give me a miracle that never came.

 

In the years since his death (17 years now), I have struggled in my relationship with God for this reason. I have had to beg Him to forgive me for being angry. I had to, in a sense, accept that His will was divine and ask his forgiveness of me. But, I could easily say that by accepting His will, I forgave Him. I lessened my anger at His not saving my Pappy and asked Him to forgive me in turn. I see what the poster is saying - I have used those words myself. From the outside looking in, I think you are both speaking of the same thing.