*sigh* How do you help your kids not get left out?

[bttrflyvld]

It is a sad fact, that if your kids don't go to public school, they will get left of some activities with friends.  We homeschool my daughter for kindergarten right now.  And I'm saddened a bit because regardless of my efforts, she keeps getting left out of birthday parties, play dates, and other activities that have nothing to do with school. I do my best to to encourage her to have friends by letting her invite friends over to play and such.  It makes me feel bad for her, she is so tender hearted. 

 

As we speak, there is a birthday party going on in the neighbors back yard (which we share a fence with) that is my daughters "friend". This is a girl that she plays with regualry and we also go to church with.  It appears that every little girl in the neighborhood has been invited to the princess party, except my daughter. I noticed what what going on, so to shield her from this huge disapointment, I was able to distract her while I closed the window blinds so she didn't see what she was missing from our huge windows that face their backyard.  I mean, how do you miss about 13 little girls all dressed up like princesses running around with balloons.  She would have been crushed. I assume that many of these girls are in school together, though I can't be certain.  Regarless, she wasn't invited.  

 

So frustrating.  I know there will be things she has to miss out on and disappointment is part of life, but how do you deal with it and help your kids make good friends?

 

 

[abba12]

We found the only answer until the teen years was to make friends with other homeschoolers

 

Public schooled kids just don't seem to remember 'friends' that they don't see every day. The culture at school of seeing and playing with your friends EVERY DAY means anything less is too much work. At this age, friendship tends to become a matter of convenience. Even moving to different classrooms is enough to dissolve friendships IME. There are exceptions, I have one friend who I have known since I was 8 despite not going to school together, but as a general rule it tends to be what happens. Becoming accustomed to these friendships of convenience is causing problems for young people as well. I know people who lost contact with everyone they were ever friends with when they graduated (except maybe one or two BFFs but even they tend to disappear) People who my DH worked with and who came over regularly and such suddenly were too busy once DH moved to a different office or job. As a mum, I have been able to connect with some other stay at home mums, but as soon as a mum decides to go back to work, they no longer have time for people they can't see daily in their workplace. It's an awful situation we seem to find ourselves in when a lot of 20-somethings want convenient, effortless 'friendships' most of the time.

 

Most of my friends and my husbands friends are homeschoolers. This isn't by choice, it's just that these were the only people willing to actually put any effort into maintaining a friendship through various life changes.

 

I learnt to make friends with other homeschoolers, and we, as homeschoolers, learnt that friendship requires effort. Teens can be a bit easier to handle, especially if you can instant message or FB or whatever, but at this age I'd try hard to build friendships with other homeschoolers or other slightly 'outcast' kids.

[Ottakee]

Are you involved in a homeschool group?  If not, that would be a start.  As the previous poster mentioned, so much is tied to the school and school activities.  That is just the way it is.

 

I would try to cultivate friends for her and make sure to plan play dates, etc.

[Plink]

Friends move on, and that k transition is one of the most obvious. It may not be comfortable, but it is just what happens.

 

We hang around with more families who homeschool now, and when we have birthday parties we invite the kids from our co-op class and not necessarily every similarly aged child in thhe neighborhood.

 

You dd is probably not feeling the distance as much as you are. Reach out to some local homeschooling groups and you will find your groove.

[HSmomof2]

I'm sorry for your dd. Although, I did attend public school and had the same thing happen with my neighborhood/church friend when I was in kindergarten, and she lived directly behind us.

 

We've had mostly an opposite experience making friends. We've had much more trouble with other homeschoolers, and being left out by them. My dc's closest friends attend ps. Most live in our neighborhood, and two attend our church. They have homeschool 'friends' we see at co-op and other activities, but except for one boy, we are never included in any outside activities...I'm assuming because we don't attend the same church most of them attend and are just forgotten.

[Anne in CA]

Quite honestly I knocked myself out to make friends with home schoolers and only one stuck over the years. I would make sure that your little girl hasn't done something to make the neighbor girl leave her out deliberately, because it seems very odd to me that between the girl and both her parents they didn't think that it would not be kind to have a back yard party and leave out the girl next door? 

 

My kids made friends at church and those friends have been amazing, but I invested time and money in them. I made sure to have the best parties at our house and the best sleepovers and to give good gifts when our kids went to parties. I also made sure to communicate clearly with other moms about lots of stuff so that I was always in the loop.

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with what the others say, and will add this.

 

Go above and beyond inviting kids to YOUR house. Throw lovely parties. Don't keep track of who reciprocates with invitations--just keep inviting and hosting and being welcoming.

[Susan in TN]

I'm sorry for your dd. Although, I did attend public school and had the same thing happen with my neighborhood/church friend when I was in kindergarten, and she lived directly behind us.

 

We've had mostly an opposite experience making friends. We've had much more trouble with other homeschoolers, and being left out by them. My dc's closest friends attend ps. Most live in our neighborhood, and two attend our church. They have homeschool 'friends' we see at co-op and other activities, but except for one boy, we are never included in any outside activities...I'm assuming because we don't attend the same church most of them attend and are just forgotten.

There are a ton of homeschoolers in our own church and I can count on one hand the number of those kids we see every week, and some during the week, who will have anything to do with my kids. I think it must be me...though I try to be friendly and helpful, I'm introverted and socially awkward and so I think it must reflect badly on the rest of my family. It makes me sad.

 

OP, I can't imagine what your neighbor was thinking, but I'm so sorry.

[Julie Smith]

I know a few people who would have a b-day for a kid and invite all the school friends, or the neighbourhood friends. But not both. It was an either or question for them. 

 

 

[Lara in Colo]

Another thought:  When you have friends from different places, that don't know each other, they don't always mix.  My daughter has a friend that just started homeschooling and when she had her party, she invited her "old" friends and my daughter.  They did alright, but unless you really work at it, there are moments of awkwardness-- when there are old stories or private jokes and knowing looks.  when I was in high school I had my church friends and my school friends and mixing the two was hard and sometimes a waste of everyone's time. Even for adults, I never mix certain friends because I know that someone would be left out-- or offended-- or just bored. 

Sometimes it is a blessing to be excluded. 

[catz]

I know a few people who would have a b-day for a kid and invite all the school friends, or the neighbourhood friends. But not both. It was an either or question for them.

This happens quite a bit. I'm sure there is almost never malicious intent when someone is left out. You need to draw a line somewhere. With 13, that's a good representative number for all the girls in a kindergarten class possibly?

 

Anyway - your daughter is young and I would not sweat it at all. I think at this age, it's good to just not share with her if you know and totally forget it. You'll forge new friendships and things will evolve over the years. Kids that are friends due to geography don't always shake out to have compatible personalities or interests. Sometimes kids will reconnect later.

 

As my kids have aged, I've let them know that just because you're not invited to a particular event doesn't mean you're not good friends with someone. It can be really hard to shake out a list for a kid's event where SOMEONE doesn't feel left out. Sometimes if you include ONE neighbor kid, suddenly you feel obligated to include 8. I know exactly what this is like, because one of my son's best friends for several years had parties across the street right under his nose (but yet he always insisted on inviting those kids to his house), and yes he saw it. Turns out they barely speak now and I actively avoid the parents too. It is what it is, and it has evolved to where it is today. Who knows - our oldest kids are 13, so they may reconnect yet too. The girl over there went through that jr. high girl phase where she is a little too big for her britches.

[Catwoman]

There are a ton of homeschoolers in our own church and I can count on one hand the number of those kids we see every week, and some during the week, who will have anything to do with my kids. I think it must be me...though I try to be friendly and helpful, I'm introverted and socially awkward and so I think it must reflect badly on the rest of my family. It makes me sad.

OP, I can't imagine what your neighbor was thinking, but I'm so sorry.

Please don't blame yourself. :(

 

Many homeschool families are difficult to get to know, and very often their days are pretty busy, so they don't always have time to stop and socialize after church or after a group activity.

 

I'm sure it's truly not about you or your children. Sometimes you meet people and they're friendly and want to get to know you, but many times, they just don't seem to be looking for new friends -- or they simply don't have time for them -- and there's really nothing you did wrong.

[catz]

Please don't blame yourself. :(

 

Many homeschool families are difficult to get to know, and very often their days are pretty busy, so they don't always have time to stop and socialize after church or after a group activity.

 

I'm sure it's truly not about you or your children. Sometimes you meet people and they're friendly and want to get to know you, but many times, they just don't seem to be looking for new friends -- or they simply don't have time for them -- and there's really nothing you did wrong.

I've found many homeschooling families are just introverted and on their own path. Some will find a couple families to connect to and then not be interest in broadening their circles. We are homeschooling for our 6th (!?) year. Some days, I feel totally happy with our homeschool community and some days I feel completely alone. It definitely took some time to have a decent base of homeschool connections. We live in an urban area that has great homeschool opportunities, but building individual friendships is something different.

[Susan in TN]

Please don't blame yourself. :(

 

Many homeschool families are difficult to get to know, and very often their days are pretty busy, so they don't always have time to stop and socialize after church or after a group activity.

 

I'm sure it's truly not about you or your children. Sometimes you meet people and they're friendly and want to get to know you, but many times, they just don't seem to be looking for new friends -- or they simply don't have time for them -- and there's really nothing you did wrong.

Thank you for your encouragement!

[Catwoman]

Thank you for your encouragement!

You're very welcome! I'm sure many of us can relate to seeing a lot of homeschoolers at events and activities, but to have a hard time turning those interactions into friendships.

 

It will happen eventually, but it's hard to wait!!!

[Renthead Mommy]

Most likely there is a class list.  Mom went down the list, invited the girls in the class. Her kids are in school.  Kids in your neighborhood are in school.  Your kid is not in school, so neighbor or not, she is just not on the mom's party radar. And the birthday girl may consider your daughter a play friend, but her mom said 'who do you want from school for your birthday party' and the kid things school friends, not neighborhood/play friend.  Life is that way. Groups get divided up and labled.  It can be hard to break that.

[bttrflyvld]

I just hope some day we can find our homeschool grove. There is a very active homeschool group in my county, but most everyone participates in a common wealth school that's aimed mostly for older kids. Agrees 10+. they do this 3 or 4 days a week. that's pretty time consuming so there isn't much going other than that. They have classes for the younger ages, but I hear from other moms that participate, that they just end up baby sitting kids .

 

So sadly that isn't going to work make friends. Maybe in time we'll make some friends with other homeschooling families.

[Arcadia]

It is a sad fact, that if your kids don't go to public school, they will get left of some activities with friends.  We homeschool my daughter for kindergarten right now.  And I'm saddened a bit because regardless of my efforts, she keeps getting left out of birthday parties, play dates, and other activities that have nothing to do with school..

.......

I  assume that many of these girls are in school together, though I can't be certain. 

 

In kindergarten and 1st grade, my older boy, who was in public school, was invited to birthday parties just because he was a classmate. The parents were the ones who sent out the invites.  A boy's mother told me that she invited all the boys in the class since that was the easiest thing for her to do.  In kindergarten, his classmates arranged their own play dates during recess.

Also sometimes mothers issue out invitations to birthday parties based on sports their kids are in.  For example, a child in a competitive gym class might invite all the kids in the same gym class..

 

It is hard unless you are comfortable with hosting play dates regularly.

[NorthwestMom]

I have learned, in my own life and in my kids' lives too, that the amount of friendship that develops is directly proportionate to the amount of time you spend in each other's presence.  For us homeschoolers, that means it is much harder since we are not together as often (not daily for 6 hours like ps!) and we see a huge variety of people instead of the same 25 faces every day. It takes a lot of mutual effort to build relationship, and that's hard to come by these days.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry your DD was left out, but glad you protected her from knowing about it.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[DawnM]

My first thought is that she only invited girls in her class, and if she is in PS, that would include some neighborhood girls who happen to also be in her class.

 

Find a good homeschool group.  We are part of a couple of HS groups.  Many HS families don't have birthday parties like PS kids do though.  They just don't.  Many times our HS group parents will bring a cake to an event we are already having and say, "Please come sing Johnny happy birthday and enjoy a piece of cake" at a park date or other social event......no formal party.

 

However, there have been a few parties.  My 9 year old went to one two weeks ago for another HS boy and my older two are doing one tomorrow night, just pizza and a movie.  But they are more rare than for PS kids.

 

My kids haven't missed out on a thing.....really.  They would much prefer the weekly park days when they were younger, the scout camp outs with HS kids when they are older, and game nights with the HS group.   Most kids only get to do those things for special events, like a birthday party.......our kids get to enjoy them weekly!  It really is a better life.....I promise.

 

Dawn

[bttrflyvld]

My first thought is that she only invited girls in her class, and if she is in PS, that would include some neighborhood girls who happen to also be in her class.

 

Find a good homeschool group. We are part of a y are more rare than for PS kids.

 

[bttrflyvld]

I'm sure that's right. It's just easier to invite the kids in the class. the more I've thought about it, the more I it makes sense. I guess we'll just have to have a few of our own parties and invitethe neighbor kids over here. Be more pro active. And try to get together with homeschoolers families w have things in common with.

 

I just need to change the way I handle it. Having gone to public school, I hadn't realized how everything would be different if you homeschool. I wouldn't trade homeschooling for anything though. Sure they miss some activities, but they miss out on the problems public schools have like bullies. :-)

[Night Elf]

I'm sure that's right. It's just easier to invite the kids in the class. the more I've thought about it, the more I it makes sense. I guess we'll just have to have a few of our own parties and invitethe neighbor kids over here. Be more pro active. And try to get together with homeschoolers families w have things in common with.

 

I just need to change the way I handle it. Having gone to public school, I hadn't realized how everything would be different if you homeschool. I wouldn't trade homeschooling for anything though. Sure they miss some activities, but they miss out on the problems public schools have like bullies. :-)

 

Bullies are not just in public school. My son was tormented by a pack of homeschool boys in a playgroup we attended when he was about 7 or 8 years old. Finally, I invited 2 other families to get together and we ended up with our own park day and play dates.

[alef]

I'm thinking the neighbor might have just invited all the girls in her dd's K class, it's an easy way to make a decision about who comes to a party in that context. FWIW the only birthday parties my children are ever invited to are those of other homeschoolers, neighborhood friends and church friends never invite them. It doesn't bother me, you cannot invite everyone to a party.

 

I agree with those who suggest investing time and energy into establishing friendships with other homeschoolers.

[bttrflyvld]

Bullies are not just in public school. My son was tormented by a pack of homeschool boys in a playgroup we attended when he was about 7 or 8 years old. Finally, I invited 2 other families to get together and we ended up with our own park day and play dates.

 

That's terrible.  That should never happen.  I'm sorry to hear that happened.

[MysteryJen]

I have learned, in my own life and in my kids' lives too, that the amount of friendship that develops is directly proportionate to the amount of time you spend in each other's presence.  For us homeschoolers, that means it is much harder since we are not together as often (not daily for 6 hours like ps!) and we see a huge variety of people instead of the same 25 faces every day. It takes a lot of mutual effort to build relationship, and that's hard to come by these days.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry your DD was left out, but glad you protected her from knowing about it.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I agree. My kids' friends are from their time-intensive activities. For many of the kids we know, school friends are like work friends. They will wax and wane with vacations and summer break.  Only a few kids really pursue a true friendship.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry that's happening, and I'm glad your daughter didn't notice!  I've never understood how parents don't think these things through.  My daughter's best friend had a birthday party when my daughter was about 10.  They had been talking about it together and trying to think of some games, etc., to play, and then one day when my daughter was riding around on her bike after school, she saw all these little girls going to her best friend's house with presents!  My daughter was devastated.  I did call the mother to clarify because she was a friend of mine, and it just baffled me.  I was wondering if my daughter had done something to hurt her daughter, or something!  The mother said no, she just let her daughter make up the guest list and it was all of the girls in her PS class and that was it.  We live in a small town and my daughter knew the girls, so she wouldn't have felt like the odd one out or anything.  It was just weird.  What was the mother thinking?  So, I understand.

 

But, it really wasn't meant to be unkind to my daughter, people are just clueless sometimes.  So, once I realized that stuff like that happens, this is what I tried to do:

 

-Plan a lot of really fun activities at home, so that my kids had their own fun events to look forward to.

 

-Find at least one or two other homeschool families that we hit it off with and could do things with, and who understand.

 

-Always listen to my children if they feel badly about something like that... but then encourage them to move on.  Make light of it even.  Help them not to look at themselves as a victim.  Help them to realize that a lot of people make choices without really thinking through them, and that usually it isn't anything personal at all.  Help them to feel in control of their lives and activities and not at the mercy of others.  And then help them plan activities that they can be excited about.

 

As kids get older, that stuff isn't as important anyway.

[freesia]

I just hope some day we can find our homeschool grove. There is a very active homeschool group in my county, but most everyone participates in a common wealth school that's aimed mostly for older kids. Agrees 10+. they do this 3 or 4 days a week. that's pretty time consuming so there isn't much going other than that. They have classes for the younger ages, but I hear from other moms that participate, that they just end up baby sitting kids .

 

So sadly that isn't going to work make friends. Maybe in time we'll make some friends with other homeschooling families.

Could you invite some of these kids over on the common wealth school days? If they are just being babysat, they won't miss much.

[petepie2]

As others have said, she probably just invited the kids in the class. Or maybe she didn't want your daughter to feel like the odd one out if she didn't know anybody else there.

 

Here's where a party invite went wrong for my DD a few weeks ago:

 

She was invited to a party for one of the younger girls in her AHG troop. I don't know if she was the only one from the troop that was invited, but regardless she was the only one there at the party. All the other kids were schoolmates or relatives, so she only knew the birthday girl. After about 30 minutes of swimming around in the pool by herself, she gets out and bursts into tears, saying, "I don't know what to do!" Bless her heart. It was nobody's fault. She's just like me in that she doesn't easily insert herself into a group of people that she doesn't know. The others kids all knew each other, were playing together, and were basically oblivious to what was happening. I'm sure it would have been fine if the party had had structured activities, but the whole "let's just all play and socialize together in the pool" made the whole thing a huge FAIL for my DD.