Night Elf Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 We don't need this quite yet, but I'm just wondering. What does an older teen or young adult wear to a funeral if he doesn't own a suit? I know to buy slacks, but would it be too casual to just have a dress shirt with no tie? Can it be black pants that are the same material as khakis or must it be suit material? What about shoes and a belt? I'd have to buy a whole new outfit for him because all he owns are athletic pants, tshirts and slip on canvass type shoes. My son is 17. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Slacks or khakis of any color and a dress shirt with no tie is fine for a teen. He should wear dress shoes, you should be able to find slip ons if that is the style he prefers. If the pants have belt loops, he needs to wear a belt. A jacket would be a nice touch if he already has one, but I don't think it's necessary. Remember dress socks - they need to match the pants in color as closely as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 It depends if he is in the "funeral party" (there must be a word for that!) or merely attending. For attending, a subdued dress shirt without tie will be fine, and no one will be even glancing at shoes or belt -- no belt, and unobtrusive runners/hikers would be just fine. If he is more involved, I'd spring for a tie, belt, and comfortable dressy shoes. Black if the slacks are black, grey belt with khakis, brown or black shoes. No need for "suit" slacks: black khakis are fine, if well-pressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 we had ds wear khakis and a nice shirt, not a dress shirt, little dressier than an oxford button-down. At the time he wore black tennis shoes, they're skechers and all black, so they look more like oxfords than running shoes. At this point he could borrow shoes from his father. Tucking in the shirt also important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I think it depends somewhat on the culture around you. It can also depend on the place it's held. Around here, at our church-- I would expect a dress shirt (and I mean button down or not button down, but one you wear a tie with, not a polo), dress slacks and dress shoes. A suit would be nice, but not necessary. We are in a military area, and most of the men at our parish wear ties on Sundays. A 17 year old would prob follow their lead. But like I said, it depends. Now would probably be a good time to get him some dress clothes, anyway. There might be occasions coming up where he'll need something more dressy. I never bought suits for my kids til around 17-18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 we had ds wear khakis and a nice shirt, not a dress shirt, little dressier than an oxford button-down. At the time he wore black tennis shoes, they're skechers and all black, so they look more like oxfords than running shoes. At this point he could borrow shoes from his father. Tucking in the shirt also important. Isn't an oxford button-down considered a dress shirt? It is, here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I would require my son to wear a tie, belt, dress shoes at a minimum. At 17 if he could wear one of dad's sport coats, I would require that also. And, we'd try the thrift store or buy an appropriate sport coat (college visits, interviews, etc). Donning flame proof suit - I think our culture is far more concerned with comfort (self) over putting ourself out and showing respect (others). I'm not saying you're doing this at all - just that our culture has and the expectations that are resulting from it are saddening to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I agree with a previous poster that it depends if he is a member of the family that will be the main people everyone will be coming forward to talk with or whether he will be one of the attendees. Make sure he has comfortable but appropriate shoes if he is in the immediate family. I know at the viewing service that was held for my FIL this last September, we had to stand for over two hours. A tip for getting cheap suits or pants- go to thrift stores. They have lots of suits because widows generally give the suits to those types of places. My very frugal son picked up a few this way for very little and it turned out to serve him well with two funerals to attend last fall- one being his grandfather. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 At my grandmother's recent funeral, my brothers and cousins (late 20s through mid-30s) wore black slacks and suit jackets, but they were also reading. I think one wore a sweater instead of a suit jacket. My DH and my sister's DH wore dark slacks and button-down shirts, no ties, and my boys (8 and under) wore polos in not-too-flashy colors and tan/grey/navy pants. For shoes, my 8yo and DH wore their nice black boots; you really have to look very closely to tell that they're not dress shoes, and especially if they're not in the funeral, nobody is looking. I think for a teen/young adult, dark slacks and a not-flashy button-down shirt would be fine, maybe a tie for a particularly formal funeral or if he'll be in the spotlight somehow during the service. And he should have some sort of decent footwear for a nice occasion, anyway, funeral, wedding, nice dinner, whatever. A jacket seems like a good idea; he may need one for something, even if it's just a jacket and slacks and not an official suit. (Then again, who knows? My DH wears a tie occasionally but even in his professional career, he hasn't needed a jacket in um, ever? Maybe the last time was when he was in his sister's wedding nine years ago? Totally depends on the professional field, but since his is construction-related, a button-down shirt or sweater is acceptable for him.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Ds wouldn't be in the immediate family. I'm happy to hear a full suit isn't needed. He's sensitive to clothing and I worried a button down and tie would be just too much for him. I do like the idea of dress shoes over his gray slip on Vann's though. He'll probably think they are uncomfortable, but I'll just explain the social concept to him. He has Aspergers and things that are different from his norm always takes him out of his comfort zone. It sounds silly, but he hasn't had pants with a zipper in 8 years and he hated them then. I'm just thinking ahead about my grandmother. She's 91 and my mom said she's just starting to slow way down. She has more bad days than good days. However, for all i know, she'll live another decade. I was just thinking about clothes because my dd15 is the only one with a nice outfit. DH has lost weight and his suit is really too big for him. I don't own anything other than sweat pants and jeans. We're just not a family with any occasion to dress up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 My aspie tried to wear a tie to a funeral once last year. This year I bought him a button down shirt and a sweater vest. He wears the exact same outfit to church every Sunday, and if it is his turn to usher he puts the super thin sweater vest on. We went to a funeral about a month ago and he wore his standard dress clothes plus sweater vest and actually looked better and more put together and comfortable than the deceased's grandkids. The sweater vest is so thin (I had not seen one like it before,it is some kind of polyester blend and thin like a tshirt, kind of hard to explain, I bought it new with the tags on at a resale shop), and is not as bulky as wearing a full sweater over the dress shirt. He resisted at first, but then realized he liked it better than the prospect of wearing a tie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 My son with autism is clothing sensitive too so I get it. That said, I try to make sure that he has one suit he will wear. A nice soft undershirt takes care of the button issue for him. Since he is so skinny he is used to belts so the pants from his suit are not too annoying. Sweaters are soft and I let him wear his preferred socks (wool) and shoes. We are not very formal people and I am usually in jeans and a hoodie in the winter but I make sure we can clean up when need be. Grandmother's funeral? Need be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 My aspie is also sensitive to clothing. For my mom's funeral he wore a suit and tie with dress shoes. We purchased a suit that had an almost slippery feel to it, not itchy at all. We spent some extra on the dress shirt to get a really nice smooth fabric, and left the top button undone and tied his tie loose. He wore a pair of my black socks that he finds super comfortable and a pair of shoes that looked dressy enough for the suit but were slip-on and very comfortable. We probably spent about $350 including alterations. We would have put him in khakis and a nice shirt, as everyone is aware of his issues, but he insisted on wearing a suit and tie, so it was important to get just the right suit. For her funeral, all family down to great-grandchildren, grandnieces and grandnephews, cousins, etc. came in suit and tie for men, and dresses/slacks and blouse for the women. Actually everyone at the funeral was dressed that way but some people came dressed more casually to the wake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Our boys, if not closely related to the deceased and family, where khaki chinos, white button down, belt, loafers, no tie. If they are family, they were black dress pants, white button down, and tie with black shoes. What not to wear that I've seen from the piano - I often play for local funerals - stained cargo shorts with flip flops and faded rock music t-shirt, woman in bikini top with shorts and blazer - the blazer apparently was to make the bikini top look better????? :001_huh: , farmer coming in from the barn with muck on his boots and jeans who then tracked muck all over the church carpets and the pew he sat in...please, even if it will make you late, change after you get chores done. Mostly, I think if the person's appearance is tidy/groomed and not meant to draw a lot of attention such as you know an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt or something similar, then one is fine. I do think there is more of a dress protocol for those sitting with the family and definitely for pallbearers. It's just a matter of respecting the family enough to clean up and be neat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 We don't need this quite yet, but I'm just wondering. What does an older teen or young adult wear to a funeral if he doesn't own a suit? I know to buy slacks, but would it be too casual to just have a dress shirt with no tie? Can it be black pants that are the same material as khakis or must it be suit material? What about shoes and a belt? I'd have to buy a whole new outfit for him because all he owns are athletic pants, tshirts and slip on canvass type shoes. My son is 17. Ok, this opinion is just my own, what I would do were it my kids; but I wouldn't look at others weirdly if they did differently. Anyway, I would do black 'dress pants' (same material as a suit), a dark colored button up nice shirt, and a tie. Black shoes, black belt. WalMart actually has all of these things for a pretty decent price. DH lent out his only suit a few years ago to his brother, so we went and picked up black pants and shoes at WM a couple years ago for a Christmas musical he needed them for... and then last year got a jacket there, too, so in the end he has a whole suit should he need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseball mom Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 The last few funerals my boys wore nice jeans, polo style shirt or a button up & their boots. Y'all might think we are bad but that is what they had and this is standard church attire around here too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magic Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 We buried my 37 year old brother-in-law this past summer and my teen boys all wore dress pants, shirt, tie, and either a vest or coat along with dress shoes. However they were part of the processional and immediate family. Quite frankly, I really do not remember what all the 600+ mourners wore. They was a variety of clothing from jeans to three pieces suits and a variety of colors as well. I can tell you that we were really not looking at, nor did we care, what people were wearing. We just cared that people were there to show us their love and support. My mother in law was so worried that she would wear the "wrong" thing to bury her son. We told her that a funeral is no time to be judging people- much less what they wear. She wore something colorful that she knew her son would have liked. Let your son wear whatever he is comfortable in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Another option: borrow needed clothes from a friend. I know this likely won't work for a 17yo guy . . . but we routinely loan our boys' navy blazers (which your son honestly doesn't need) & dress shoes for friends faced with a funeral or wedding. They could end up asking him to be a pallbearer. :) Still, WM has inexpensive black & navy dress pants, of a cotton khaki fabric that should be semi-comfortable for your son. I'm actually more concerned for your outfit--but you should have success at a well-stocked Goodwill, if you don't want to ask a friend for a loan. Maybe a dark plain dress with a nice scarf? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 The last few funerals my boys wore nice jeans, polo style shirt or a button up & their boots. Y'all might think we are bad but that is what they had and this is standard church attire around here too. My son has worn dark jeans and a polo shirt or light knit shirt/sweater. He has issues with tucking things in so a shirt or sweater that doesn't need to be tucked in works best for him and he still looks nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 DS- nice slacks, khaki or navy with a nice shirt.. polo or button down with or without tie. Even a pair of new jeans w/ a nice shirt. You- find a pair of dress slacks and a nice top, just to have on hand for these occasions. I have worn the same thing to every funeral for the last 10 years. I can't afford to go buy myself or my kids new outfits every time someone dies, and like you, we don't have occasion to dress up on a regular basis, nor do I want to. At my dad's funeral, pall bearers wore dk blue jeans, and white button down shirts. Same for my friend's dad's funeral. So part of it is culture, but that is becoming the norm. Really, if anyone is judging what one wears at a time like this, then they have a problem, not you or me. Oh, and yes to the belt if the pants have belt loops. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 My aspie tried to wear a tie to a funeral once last year. This year I bought him a button down shirt and a sweater vest. He wears the exact same outfit to church every Sunday, and if it is his turn to usher he puts the super thin sweater vest on. We went to a funeral about a month ago and he wore his standard dress clothes plus sweater vest and actually looked better and more put together and comfortable than the deceased's grandkids. The sweater vest is so thin (I had not seen one like it before,it is some kind of polyester blend and thin like a tshirt, kind of hard to explain, I bought it new with the tags on at a resale shop), and is not as bulky as wearing a full sweater over the dress shirt. He resisted at first, but then realized he liked it better than the prospect of wearing a tie I was going to suggest a sweater vest too. It will hide the waist of the pants if you need to avoid button and zipper. I think dark navy or black pants of most any fabric would be fine, especially for a more casual service. I dressed up more for a friend's grandfather's service at a very conservative, "fancy" (for lack of a better word) church than I did for my grandmother's simple, graveside service. If he's a pallbearer, he might need more formal attire. Or not. It really depends on the service and your son. If he will be going off to college in the fall, dress slacks and a blazer might be useful then and would be perfectly acceptable for a funeral without being a full suit and tie. If he won't need or wear the dressier attire, "dress up" what is comfortable and useful to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I agree it will greatly depend on the funeral party. Two years ago, we were part of the family and our casual dress was the most dressed there. It was July, dh wore a black polo shirt and khaki pants with dress shoes and a belt. Ds wore very nice khaki shorts, a black polo shirt and vans or mens sandals (can't remember), no belt. Dd and I wore black pants, sandals and black and white tops. Honestly, for me it was pretty shocking. So many people arrived in jean shorts, flip-flops, tank-tops and imo... just whatever they happened to be wearing that day. There was no church service, just a small memorial and luncheon. I totally understand clothing sensitivity; I always try to purchase all cotton for ds. I also made sure he had a quiet place he could slip away to if he needed some space. I hope you don't need the new clothes for a long time, but purchasing ahead of time and helping him get used to the clothes is a very good idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Is he still growing? What are his plans after high school graduation? If you think he's full-grown and if he's aiming for college an/or an office job, you might want to consider buying him a basic suit (think Men's Warehouse or Joseph A. Banks). Navy blue and a conservative cut so that he can wear it on an interview (college, scholarship, job, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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