I cannot do this and I'm not even sure anyone here will understand

[Gretchen in NJ]

Then you're a better woman than I because I wouldn't have gone to the meet and greet. :glare:

I am with anj. My dh would not be getting anything from me, but :glare:.

[Elaine]

I am with anj. My dh would not be getting anything from me, but :glare:.

 

Yep.

 

Jodi:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Colleen]

I know very few folks who don't believe themselves, in an argument, to be the better informed, more knowledgable person.

 

I'm sure there must be times when you concede to having formed opinion without a great deal of information. I do, all the time. So does my husband. If the subject in question is the farm, for example, I may have an opinion, but he likely has more info. On the flip side, he recognizes that he doesn't have a great deal of info about the education "stuff". So, yeah, I see what you're saying, but I like to think most of us can admit when our opinion is just that ~ a preference, a feeling, maybe a knee-jerk reaction. Not that those opinions aren't worthy of consideration; just different.

[Kathy in MD]

Given the sudden changes of attitude, I'd be looking for deeper problems too. Depression, undetected health problems, stress, and other things should be considered.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I think the thing people are *really* concerned with is that he hasn't been acting like himself for a year and his actions took place completely behind her back.

 

That isn't being a responsible head of the household.

 

In fact? If my husband suddenly did this? I would think he was setting himself up for divorce because he'd pay more support if I was homeschooling. And yes, I've seen this play out in other people's marriages. The wife was *completely* ambushed and surprised, she never saw it coming.

:iagree: with Mrs. Mungo. He needs to take her feelings into account.

[Jodi-FL]

but only in an ironic sort of way, is that it was *his* idea to homeschool in the first place. we were moving from NY to NC and would be in 2 different school districts within 2 months (corporate housing to our permanent home) and our oldest had just finished kindergarten in a public school. I used to teach 1st grade.

 

and honestly, I don't think he'd ever consider divorce. we first met when he had been abandoned by his first wife (the day he paid off her camaro after not even 2 yrs) and he was devastated. some of my college friends and I (all of us came from broken homes) befriended him. we were friends for years before we started dating and he's absolutely terrible at living by himself and he knows it. he'd rather live with misery than alone. he does hate his job and hasn't been able to get out of bed for the past year. he said he's looking forward to the "structure" having the kids in school will bring. but he's forgotten that there are several of us who get up at 7am every morning and bring him breakfast in bed (yes. I really do that to try and gently get him up).

 

I've tried talking to him....but he's never been a good listener. I'll talk to him again. I don't want the kids to be in the middle. they are all looking forward to going (except the kindergartener....). they all have friends there. I know we'll be fine. I just needed the camaraderie of people who might understand.

 

I used to lead a CM group here. they encouraged me to still lead the online forum (no more swim meetings/lunches at my house though....) but then I got a private email from one of the older moms saying I shouldn't post because it might make ps sound like a better option. that's why I said earlier that I "had" a close homeschooling circle.

 

7 kids in public school. how can that be easier than homeschooling them? and the other thing that hurt my feelings (but the kids just kid him about it) is that when we talk to friends about the kids going to school, dh will say "I'm looking forward to seeing their report cards and helping them with their school work." Huh? they've been trying for 10 years to show them their portfolios and get him to read a book to them!

 

ah, well. at least I'll have more time to exercise and hopefully lose some weight, right?

[woolybear]

:grouphug:

 

Has your dh actually seen inside the school? Did he go to the meet and greet? Maybe he should look at the ps curriculum. I'm just wondering if he really knows all the trade offs. It's sounds as if you are a wonderful hsing mother. I wish you all the best, however it goes.

[PrairieAir]

Well, but...hang on, just for a minute. I mean, before Jodi gets TOTALLY freaked out. I agree with everyone that there are red flags and that she should definitely dig deeper. The fact that he has "changed"--huge red flag! Talk to him; seek counseling; I'm with ya!

 

But...she DID say that he asked previously would she be willing to put the kids in public school if they moved back to PA so that she could care for his parents, and she *did say* that she would be willing to consider that. I'm not saying that that was a reasonable or an unreasonable request on his part; I'm not saying that he fully appreciates how much homeschooling means to her--clearly he doesn't. But still--she told him, in effect, I'm open to the idea. So perhaps in his mind, homeschooling ISN'T something she's willing to fall on her sword for.

 

Okay. So maybe his thought process is just what she laid out: We are planning to move to PA eventually, I do want Jodi available to help my parents, it would be easier to move the kids from school to school rather than from home to school, Jodi *said* that she was open to school.... Done!

 

Add to that the stress of an extended, long-distance job search, aging and ailing parents, and a family to care for, and...boom.

 

I'm just sayin'...that might be all that's going on. Just sayin'. But Jodi, I IMPLORE you to dig deeper with him. What's going on? Does he really KNOW how important this is to you?

 

I agree with this, except that I don't know how much of a red flag his actions are to me. It seems he has talked about public school several times in the past which could indicate that he has not been convinced it's the right thing for your family for a while. Who knows what his reasons are for that? If that is the way he feels, it doesn't mean you're a failure at homeschooling. Believe me, I know about that particular feeling and one just does not follow the other. It seems to me that maybe he has been gently trying to ease you into this decision for a while because he knew it might be difficult for you. Maybe with all that has been going on in your lives lately it would be best for the kids to go to p.s. Maybe he is concerned about homeschooling the kids through high school. You'll never know unless you talk to him.

 

School choice is NOT something I would allow to affect my marriage. I would NOT let something like this come between me and my husband. As long as this is a normal school situation and the children are not in danger, it would not be a make or break issue for me. I might be hurt that my opinion was not considered more. (Perhaps he feels that way about the decision to homeschool this long and has been afraid to say?) That is something to work out, but it is not something to draw line at and stand firm at the risk of damaging your relationship with your husband. Please do talk with him honestly and express your feelings, but be open to hearing his as well. I'm not trying to take a side. I hope the whole family wins.

_______________________________

Okay, I didn't see Jodi's latest post just above this before I posted. I don't think I really want to change anything I said. Maybe the change will help him. Maybe it won't. The comment about seeing the report cards and helping with school work is probably just him being hopeful that he will do better all around. I think you need to give this a try and see if it does help. I know my dh does not like to sit around and talk about and analyze problems. He needs to *do* something to try to fix them. Let him have this effort. If it doesn't help, maybe he'll consider bringing them home. The kids will be fine though. You will be fine. It's pretty crappy that some homeschoolers want to disassociate themselves from former friends who have decided to send their kids to public school. Some will continue to be your friends and others you will have to replace with new friends. Take the extra time you have with the kids in school to build yourself up and build your husband up. It may not be your idea of the ideal situation, but it's not as bad as it seems. The situation will be what you make it. Some things you can't change, but you have the power to make the best of anything that comes your way.

[Erica in PA]

We have the same belief in our home, *but* having the husband/father make the final decision should not look any thing like this situation. It most definitely does not mean that any whim a man gets, he has the right to follow through on. That's selfishness, not leadership. So I almost think that whether or not a husband should have the final say isn't even really relevant in this case. The question isn't, "Should a husband have the final say in important decisions?", but more, "Should a wife have ANY SAY AT ALL in important decisions?" Because in Jodi's case, the answer to the second question seems to have been "no." And that is what most people are reacting to, I think. Not that her husband made the final decision, but that Jodi's opinion doesn't even seem to have been considered, at all. I'm not even clear that they ever even really discussed it at length.

 

So I definitely think it's possible to support the biblical concept of headship, and still see this situation as very wrong.

 

Erica

[RenayofRohan]

I've been trying to organize papers...and get meals ready...and do laundry...and other things, and I keep thinking about this post! ;)

I have been whispering prayers for you all day, Jodi.

 

I was thinking that maybe you feel like that poor frog that many of us had to dissect in Jr. High. Maybe you feel picked apart, piece by piece, analyzed, and you are just sitting there with your guts hangin' out...:ack2:

 

And there you are, with grace, trying to be light-hearted. Blessings to you. We may not know you IRL, but with all the responses, I'd say you have a lot of ladies who care about you and who will not cease to pray for you and turn their thoughts toward you and your precious family. I've read many different, yet many wise, opinions and thoughts.

[Erica in PA]

 

Yes, it could be different, and better, if you're the person who's more informed. If one person is familiar with the choices, has explored those options, has genuinely invested time and energy into exploring the issue, while the other person merely has an opinion based on, well, opinion....In that case, yes, I think if it comes down to one parent having "sole" say, it's better that it be the more informed parent. Which isn't to say gut feelings and instinct aren't worth consideration, too!:)

 

:iagree: Though I do believe that the husband is the head of the household, it is the wise husband who recognizes that there are times when he should defer some decisions to his wife, if she is the more informed in certain areas. I know several women personally who have done all the research on homeschooling, have invested long hours and lots of effort to provide the best education possible for their children, and their husbands, who have never shown a whit of interest in their own children's education, let alone devoted their lives to it, suddenly make a unilateral decision, like switching to a charter school simply because it's free, or putting the kids in school because they want them to be in sports. It bugs me when I see men leading their family on whims like that. It really, really bugs me, because it is an abuse of biblical teaching, imo.

 

Erica

[Kathy in MD]

....School choice is NOT something I would allow to affect my marriage. I would NOT let something like this come between me and my husband.....

 

It wouldn't be the decision that would upset me. But it's how something this major was done behind my back.

 

My dh doesn't like to discuss things either, but for something of this magnitude, he'd discuss it. It might not be a long, hour long sit down, but it would be discussed and hashed out. He also wouldn't have someone outside of the family make those appointments behind my back.

 

No, it's not public schooling that's the issue. It's the disregard and disrespect that Jodi's dh has shown her that's the issue. Is Jodi supposed to complacently allow this sort of thing to continue? What will it eventually do to her self-respect? What lesson is it teaching her dd's? Her ds's?

 

There maybe medical or stress reasons for her dh to behave uncharacteristically like this, but the issue still needs to be addressed...... and stopped.

[Laura K (NC)]

You sound like a saint of a lady.

 

I'm praying your husband finds a job soon, and his stress is relieved. I'm praying he realizes what a treasure you are. Please tell him the details of your pain. If you have spared him the details of your needs before, don't take it easy on him now. He needs to know that your stress is just as great as his is, and he has the power, and even the duty, to comfort you, and his duty to you and his children is greater than his duty to care for his parents.

 

Peace.

[Adrianne]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

Jodi, I will offer the wise advice someone gave me when I was going through something similar. Just remember God put this man into your life to protect you and your dc. This man is your circle of protection in this imperfect world. DH's decision may not be the best right now for you but he does love you and God will bless that love if you trust in him.

 

Keep praying that you will see God's will here and feel his peace. I will pray for you as well.

[lovemyboys]

Jodi, I wonder if your DH may be reacting to his own stress and lack of control in his life (unemployment is HUGE for men) and finding an area he CAN control. He may be acting out of depression. I would join the chorus of those that he needs a physical checkup, because you said he has changed a lot over the past year.

 

 

the employment situation, but also with regard to your health. That's a scary situation for a dad of 7 to be in with his dear wife. He's probably been carrying around some real concerns/fears for awhile now and perhaps not been able to voice much of that with you.

 

As Cassandra points out, this is one area where dh feels he has some control and can take action now. Maybe he thinks he is helping out by lightening the load, since you've indicated you'd consider it, not realizing how emotionally devastating it really is for you.

 

Fwiw, it may be possible to continue homeschooling after you move since you have several teens who can look after sibs while you do medical visits. Just a thought.

 

Others have mentioned counselling, go for it, it's time for you to really start talking. Wishing you all the best.:grouphug:

[Laura in VA]

I want to encourage you to seek God continually and remember that your children are His. I recommend that you try to find a Moms In Touch prayer group in your area. I don't know if you've ever heard of the group, but here is their website:

http://www.momsintouch.org

 

Mothers usually get together once a week and pray for their children, their children's schools, teachers, administraton, etc. It was a blessing for me to be a part of a group when my oldest was in high school.

[Mom to Aly]

It sounds like your husband is majorly depressed, and this really isn't the time for him to be making these kinds of decisions. Plus, if your kids go to ps, I'm afraid he is going to pull you down into his depression. A new job may not just magically snap him out of it, and adding the pressure of caring for his parents, a cross country move, and you and your kids having to adjust to a new location, new kids, etc, sounds like a good bit too much at this point.

 

Is there any way you could talk him into therapy, or seeing a doctor? Him not getting out of bed, or, I assume he does, since he works, but not without a lot of help, certainly doesn't sound good, and wanting this drastic a change without consideration of your feelings sounds worse. He sounds like he is crying out for help in a large way.

[Amy in Orlando]

I've been trying to organize papers...and get meals ready...and do laundry...and other things, and I keep thinking about this post! ;)

I have been whispering prayers for you all day, Jodi.

 

I was thinking that maybe you feel like that poor frog that many of us had to dissect in Jr. High. Maybe you feel picked apart, piece by piece, analyzed, and you are just sitting there with your guts hangin' out...:ack2:

 

And there you are, with grace, trying to be light-hearted. Blessings to you. We may not know you IRL, but with all the responses, I'd say you have a lot of ladies who care about you and who will not cease to pray for you and turn their thoughts toward you and your precious family. I've read many different, yet many wise, opinions and thoughts.

 

:grouphug:Jodi:grouphug:

 

I'll have you and your family in my prayers. In the meantime, I'd urge you to encourage dh to have a complete physical and to talk seriously with his doctor. Men do not exhibit the same symptoms of depression as women, most times.

 

My dh was seriously depressed about four years ago after a major medical emergency. I didn't recognize it as depression (I have struggled with this in the past) for quite a while. It was months and months of living with a stranger. He did not at all seem like the man I had married. He was short with me and the kids. He made crazy decisions on his own without talking to me about them. I was so confused and conflicted and the kids were helpless.

 

I ran into one of dh's ICU nurses about four months after this had all started. She had been so wonderful to me when Mike was sick. I told her what was going on and right away, she said "He's depressed." I convinced Mike to go to the doctor and I went along. It took the doctor about five minutes of listening to Mike and the history. He took medication for 7-8 months and slowly weaned off of them. He also resumed his rigorous excercise schedule (he needs it to control stress) and my "real" husband was finally home.

 

I don't know if this applies to your situation or not, but I thought I would throw it out there in case it might help.

 

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Can you stand one more :grouphug:?

[Brindee]

Yeah, I was going to suggest depression as well. It so sounds like it, especially the not being able to get out of bed part! PLEASE get him checked! Will he go? Sometimes just a little medicine to balance the chemicals can do WONDERS!

 

:grouphug: and prayers!

[Jami]

Yeah, I was going to suggest depression as well. It so sounds like it, especially the not being able to get out of bed part! PLEASE get him checked! Will he go? Sometimes just a little medicine to balance the chemicals can do WONDERS!

 

:grouphug: and prayers!

 

 

Yes, when Jodi added that he can't get out of bed in the mornings, I immediately thought that he's probably depressed. ((Jodi)) I hope you and dh can find a way to really talk through this decision together and find peace for your family.

:grouphug:

[CLHCO]

 

Yes, it could be different, and better, if you're the person who's more informed. If one person is familiar with the choices, has explored those options, has genuinely invested time and energy into exploring the issue, while the other person merely has an opinion based on, well, opinion....In that case, yes, I think if it comes down to one parent having "sole" say, it's better that it be the more informed parent. Which isn't to say gut feelings and instinct aren't worth consideration, too!:)

 

This is exactly right. My husband has the wonderful sense to simply not make final decisions on the things I've done the research and study on or things that will ultimately land on my shoulders. This is quality leadership. Making decisions just because you're a leader is poor leadership. You defer to the specialist and the one who will hold the most responsibility.

[Mamagistra]

Praying for you, Jodi. :grouphug::grouphug:

[catalinakel]

My kids are in ps now, and I was broken hearted when they first went, and I get pretty easily annoyed when things happen there that bug me...;And I still come here for kinship and connection, and you can too.

But the years I put into homeschooling them have held. Strong love holds. I still have their hearts, even though they go to school. And I know plenty of Christian kids who have not been homeschooled, but who have held to the faith into their twenties....homeschooling is no guarantee of faithfulness. And ps doesn't have to wreck them. Or marriages.

 

God is in control....period. How's that for Christian content?;)

 

and your husband sounds depressed. And depressed people often act irrationally(takes one to know one.....)I lived with depression for decades. Still do, but medication keeps me from becoming suicidal. But still we make rash decisions sometimes. A man without work is like a horse without grass. Makes them crazy. Bear with him. Depression makes the world very scary, and causes one to close in upon one's self. Beg him to get help. Medication can do wonders. It has allowed me to raise and teach my children. thanks be to God.

 

God is still in control. All is well and all will be well. It is ok to be sad. I am still sad about not having my kiddos with me each day, every day. they liked homeschooling, but they are doing just fine at school. And here in Nevada the schools are horrible. But they are thriving. God is good. no matter what.

 

I am even going to be working (teaching kindergarten in a Montessori school!) full time starting next week. I never wanted to have to do such a thing. Kind of panicking about it too. but this is our life right now. And we can do it, we can Trust God, we can be faithful.

 

You are right. You will be fine. But I think maybe your husband needs some medical attention. And I will pray that you will recognize that God is your strength, even when you are brokenhearted. And that your kids will continue to learn HIs ways, even in ps. God is in control. all is and all will be well. Sleep well, my sister.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Moving on to the rest of your post. I have to wonder if your husband has long preferred the children to be in school and his recent conversations with the superintendent fed that interest. Regardless, based on what you've shared (and of course I'm not privy to his side of the story), his actions show a severe lack of respect toward you. It's more than a matter of whether or not the children attend school ~ though you can bet your you-know-what I wouldn't simply roll over and play dead on that issue. But the deeper concern is the manner in which he's handled this. For the sake of your marriage, it has to be addressed.

 

:iagree::iagree:

Jodi I am so sorry you are going through this. I do subscribe to the head of the household thing but this still isn't right. Something is very wrong here. The way your dh has handled this behind your back is unconscionable. I would try to find a neutral party to talk with you together. He simply can't have thought this through. :grouphug:

[LisaNY]

Jodi, I wonder if your DH may be reacting to his own stress and lack of control in his life (unemployment is HUGE for men) and finding an area he CAN control. He may be acting out of depression. I would join the chorus of those that he needs a physical checkup, because you said he has changed a lot over the past year.

 

I can barely, just sort of barely understand why he might enroll the three high-schoolers based on the information you gave, but his logic does NOT hold up at all, IMHO, with the younger children. I think it is likely that the highest welfare being considered is not the children at all but somehow his own (whether merely unfortunate or sinister).

 

And the doing it behind your back is simply unacceptable and disrespectful, IMHO, and needs to be addressed, as many others have pointed out. And I'm one of the most conservative Christians that I am aware of on this board.

 

I would strongly, strongly urge you to seek marriage help and perhaps family counseling from your faith community. Yesterday. You are not crazy, and I don't want you to feel alone, but you need help IRL, not on the internet.

 

I will pray fervently for your family.

 

I wholeheartedly agree w/Cassandra. This could *definitely* be an issue of control.

 

I am conservative, and I believe in submission, but this one has me *very* concerned. He dissed you ALL OVER THE PLACE. You need to get another party involved - right away. This is HUGE.

[TravelingChris]

I will chime n here about needing to get him to a doctor. I also completely agree that depression in men is different than in women but one similiarity is the same- abnormal sleep patterns. Depressives sleep too long and and the wrong time or else they don't sleep. The not getting up and the strange decision process are red flags to me too. All kinds of scenarios can rise up. It is imperative you get him medical help. I will be praying for you and the children. If he is depressed, please realize that depressives in the midst of a depressive episode and not medicated are not good decision makers and their reasoning process is out of whack. Unfortunately, I am getting a first hand look here at depression in a male and it isn't pretty. (No, not dh, rathr my 19yo son)

[Geek]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

You can still be with us!!!!!! I would be very sad too if my dh made this decision without me.

I would not be sad; I'd be furious. They are my children as much as his, and I don't believe in all the "you must submit to your husband" stuff. We are called to submit to each other.

 

If my husband did something of this magnitude behind my back, I'd pack up my kids and move in with my mom for a while, 6 hours away. This goes waaaaay beyond schooling choices.

 

I apologize for butting my head into someone else's business, but that's my .02 for what it's worth.

[PrairieAir]

It wouldn't be the decision that would upset me. But it's how something this major was done behind my back.

 

My dh doesn't like to discuss things either, but for something of this magnitude, he'd discuss it. It might not be a long, hour long sit down, but it would be discussed and hashed out. He also wouldn't have someone outside of the family make those appointments behind my back.

 

No, it's not public schooling that's the issue. It's the disregard and disrespect that Jodi's dh has shown her that's the issue. Is Jodi supposed to complacently allow this sort of thing to continue? What will it eventually do to her self-respect? What lesson is it teaching her dd's? Her ds's?

 

There maybe medical or stress reasons for her dh to behave uncharacteristically like this, but the issue still needs to be addressed...... and stopped.

 

While I find those things troubling, and I would certainly be upset over them, I simply think the school issue and how it was handled is not the issue of greatest importance right now. Yes, how this was done needs to be addressed, but it does sound as though Jodi's husband has been trying to work toward public school for a while. Perhaps she hasn't wanted to see how important it was to him or didn't take him seriously. I don't know. I think what is more important than how he handled this situation *right now* is to deal with his depression (if he is depressed, and it sounds to me as though he is) and work on building up their marriage and making the home atmosphere as light and pleasant as possible. Rather than focusing on the area of disagreement while her husband is still in this state of stress and depression, I think it would be more helpful to work focus attention on these other areas and give her dh the time, space, and support he needs.

 

By no means do suggest becoming a doormat. I think she can do this in a way that teaches her daughters (and all of her children) some very important lessons. Perhaps you don't know me well enough to realize that I am not the sort of person who believes in a wife submitting to her husband no matter what. I've clashed with other homeschoolers because they thought I was a little "too women's libby", though I don't think that's an accurate description either. I'm simply suggesting she deal with the most important issues first and I think sometimes homeschoolers make school choice a bigger issue than it needs to be. It becomes something they are willing to sacrifice all other areas of their lives to defend. It almost becomes a god to them. Now, I'm not saying that is the case for Jodi. I'm just warning against allowing it to become that and offering my advice to work on issues which I think are of greater importance for her family.

[Geek]

 

I think sometimes homeschoolers make school choice a bigger issue than it needs to be. It becomes something they are willing to sacrifice all other areas of their lives to defend. It almost becomes a god to them.

There is a lot of wisdom in what you've said here.

[Jodi-FL]

I talked with my dh last night for just a few minutes before he fell asleep with our youngest boys. I told him how I felt blindsided, how I thought I had just agreed to consider it if we moved back to PA and he said, "oh. yeah. I guess we didn't really talk about whether we stayed here. sorry about that. but now that they're enrolled, it will be fine."

 

He went on to say he just got caught up in the possibility of sending them all since we had been told (and it's true) that you can't just enroll the high schoolers as seniors (which we'll have one) or sophmores (which we have one)

without them having an "official" transcript. In that respect, the school system bucked the rules because of my husband's friendship with the superinten. (which has since come back to bite us as some acquaintances of ours found out about it and called us to see how we got in since they had tried to get their daughter in as a senior and were told they couldn't).

 

I got a few emails from people here reminding me of God's sovereignty and some verses that had originally encouraged me to trust dh on this when we first enrolled them that I had forgotten about.

 

so THANK YOU for your encouragement, thoughts, prayers and hugs.

 

now. what do you replace a small root of bitterness with (honestly) so it doesn't fester and grow? I really want my kids and dh to feel supported and loved, even though they know I'd rather have them home.

[4kids4me]

Truth. Replace the bitterness with God's word. Fill your thoughts with His truth. Continually.

 

Isaiah 26:3, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee because he trusteth in thee."

 

You might not know when God's peace is on you, but you'll certainly know when it leaves! Therefore, keep your mind on Him, and you will be kept in perfect peace.

 

Phil 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things."

 

I will continue to pray.

[OnTheBrink]

Jodi, I have had some situations in my life that were ripe for planting bitterness in my heart. What helped me get past that was constantly reminding myself that it's GOD who's in control, regardless of what my EX did or what your dh does. That God loves my dc more than I do and He will orchestrate what's for their ultimate best. I just hung on to that. I also had my MIL, who has cornered the market on the whole martyr/bitterness arena, was a great model of what I did NOT want to become. Rejecting bitterness was a conscious choice, made by me. Was I angry? Of course. But when I realized that 99% of my anger was selfish anger (my marriage did not turn out how *I* wanted it to, my life was not what *I* wanted it to be, *my* feelings were hurt, etc). Once I realized that EX's behavior wasn't really against me, it was against God, and that no matter what EX did, God was still MY God and He was there for me, He protected me and my dc, He provided for me and my dc and really, I was fine.

 

It took time, but I was so determined to not allow myself to become bitter, I worked really hard to make the decision to lean on God and trust HIM and allow HIM to show me His power and love. I may not have learned that otherwise.

 

:grouphug:

[Jill- OK]

I don't think he gets it - and that can lead to a repeat of the same pattern in other situations - and that can easily become a downward pattern for your marriage, KWIM? Seek some counseling...for many reasons you have mentioned, I think it would be a really good thing.

 

JMHO.

 

Now, it's never a sure thing that counseling will yield any change as far as the other person is concerned...but it just might help you deal with what's happening, and might possibly get some things out and dealt with productively that can't seem to be resolved.

 

I'd encourage you to tell your husband that you believe you would benefit from some marriage counseling, and seek it out, whether it's a family therapist or pastor.

 

More ((hugs)).

[Kathleen in VA]

I would try to think that somehow God is protecting me and/or my dc from something I cannot see right now. Daniel was taken into captivity and forced to go to a pagan school in Babylon. God protected him and his Jewish classmates during that time. Joseph was sold into slavery into Egypt because God had a bigger plan to keep his family from starving to death down the road. God is the same today as He was then.

 

For whatever reason, your husband felt it was necessary to take this step. From this very distant vantage point I can't make any kind of guess why he did that. You know so many more details - it would be impossible for me to try to reason that out.

 

In order to avoid bitterness, though, you should try to replace those feelings with thankfulness. James says to be joyful in tribulation. Philippians says "in everything, give thanks." Trust God to work out His plan His way. Whenever you are feeling resentful or worried or angry, quickly push those negatives thoughts out and replace them with thanksgiving. God will take care of you and your dc. And thanks for the update:).

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Brindee]

Rather than focusing on the area of disagreement while her husband is still in this state of stress and depression, I think it would be more helpful to work focus attention on these other areas and give her dh the time, space, and support he needs.

 

I agree with this! I don't see that as being a doormat at all. I see it the same way--working on the CAYSE rather than the symptoms! Honestly, this sounds so much like he's depressed, I think that should be the first thing that happens. It really sounds to me like depression talking, not her dh!

 

If it were me in this situation right now (with the little I know), as much as I would hate it, I'd let my kids got to school and focus on making sure dh gets taken care of! He's already depressed, any action against his symptoms would only worsen the problem! I'm quite sure the kids will understand and I think it would speak volumes to explain what's happening and support people who are sick through those times! Compassion, caring, understanding, patience, etc. are being learned here!

 

Now, that said, if after all is said and done, he's still acting this way by CHOICE, THEN I'd probably end up with a flight plan for me and the kids! :confused: But hopefully that won't happen here!!

 

I'm continuing to pray here! Please keep us updated!

[Linda...inOwasso]

Flog away, but DH sending kids to public school so that DW can run his parent's around to dr. appt's and errands is just plain NUTS.

 

I'd kick DH to the curb and bring my children home.

 

God made each of us as individuals and that's how we'll answer to him. It doesn't all fall on DH's back *if* we go along with a bad decision he makes. God gave women a brain too and I believe He expects us to use it!

[Kathy in MD]

While I find those things troubling, and I would certainly be upset over them, I simply think the school issue and how it was handled is not the issue of greatest importance right now. Yes, how this was done needs to be addressed, but it does sound as though Jodi's husband has been trying to work toward public school for a while. Perhaps she hasn't wanted to see how important it was to him or didn't take him seriously. I don't know. I think what is more important than how he handled this situation *right now* is to deal with his depression (if he is depressed, and it sounds to me as though he is) and work on building up their marriage and making the home atmosphere as light and pleasant as possible. Rather than focusing on the area of disagreement while her husband is still in this state of stress and depression, I think it would be more helpful to work focus attention on these other areas and give her dh the time, space, and support he needs.

 

By no means do suggest becoming a doormat. I think she can do this in a way that teaches her daughters (and all of her children) some very important lessons. Perhaps you don't know me well enough to realize that I am not the sort of person who believes in a wife submitting to her husband no matter what. I've clashed with other homeschoolers because they thought I was a little "too women's libby", though I don't think that's an accurate description either. I'm simply suggesting she deal with the most important issues first and I think sometimes homeschoolers make school choice a bigger issue than it needs to be. It becomes something they are willing to sacrifice all other areas of their lives to defend. It almost becomes a god to them. Now, I'm not saying that is the case for Jodi. I'm just warning against allowing it to become that and offering my advice to work on issues which I think are of greater importance for her family.

 

Yes, you're right. Potential medical and depression problems are more important right now.

[Adrianne]

I talked with my dh last night for just a few minutes before he fell asleep with our youngest boys. I told him how I felt blindsided, how I thought I had just agreed to consider it if we moved back to PA and he said, "oh. yeah. I guess we didn't really talk about whether we stayed here. sorry about that. but now that they're enrolled, it will be fine."

 

He went on to say he just got caught up in the possibility of sending them all since we had been told (and it's true) that you can't just enroll the high schoolers as seniors (which we'll have one) or sophmores (which we have one)

without them having an "official" transcript. In that respect, the school system bucked the rules because of my husband's friendship with the superinten. (which has since come back to bite us as some acquaintances of ours found out about it and called us to see how we got in since they had tried to get their daughter in as a senior and were told they couldn't).

 

I got a few emails from people here reminding me of God's sovereignty and some verses that had originally encouraged me to trust dh on this when we first enrolled them that I had forgotten about.

 

so THANK YOU for your encouragement, thoughts, prayers and hugs.

 

now. what do you replace a small root of bitterness with (honestly) so it doesn't fester and grow? I really want my kids and dh to feel supported and loved, even though they know I'd rather have them home.

 

((Jodi))

 

I am happy to hear you and dh talked. Just trust in God. Pray. Read your bible. If you are faithful to Him, He will bless you. Know that God has given you what is best for you. Rejoice in this! His plan will be revealed to you.

 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4.

 

We all make mistakes, even our dh. Give him the God's grace.

[Brindee]

I agree with what the others say, and want to add for you to pray for your husband. Pray for him to make right choices, pray for him to be the true head of the family that God wants him to be. And pray that if he IS depressed, that things will happen to ease that depression and hopefully make it disappear! I read a book called "What Happens When Women Pray", and in there the author (I'm sorry, I can't remember her name right off-hand) said to pray for others you're struggling with, for one reason, "It's hard to hate/feel bitterness toward someone you are praying for!" It's hard at first, but if you TRULY pray for God's will in that person's life, God will take over your bad feelings!

 

I would STILL not ignore ds's actions/changes throughout the past year! I really think he needs to be checked for depression. He's in a tough situation for a man--with not being able to find a job, etc., which can DEFINITELY lead to depression!

 

At least you were able to talk with him and clarify SOME things. I think it's a good start!!! I also think it should not end there! Keep going---not to try to force your way, but to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:, lots of them, and prayers--lots of those too! :D

[WTMCassandra]

. . . and he said, "oh. yeah. I guess we didn't really talk about whether we stayed here. sorry about that. but now that they're enrolled, it will be fine."

 

Um. (biting tongue)

 

We aren't supposed to talk about marriage issues here, so let me just say that I still STRONGLY think counseling would be wise.

 

Going off to take a double :chillpill:

 

Also, Jodi, :grouphug:. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time.

[Scarlett]

Flog away, but DH sending kids to public school so that DW can run his parent's around to dr. appt's and errands is just plain NUTS.

 

I'd kick DH to the curb and bring my children home.

 

Wow. I find this comment shocking. Even if she wanted to she can't just kick him to the curb and bring the children home. They are his kids too and she can't just get rid of the dh and do what she wants.

 

Just for the record, I've never neg rep anyone, ever.

[Scarlett]

Now, that said, if after all is said and done, he's still acting this way by CHOICE, THEN I'd probably end up with a flight plan for me and the kids! :confused: But hopefully that won't happen her

 

I just don't understand. You think if her dh doesn't change his mind about the school issue that she should leave him? :confused: Granted there are a few red flags for me too since she said he has been different in the last year...but really...not all marriages are blissfully united in deed and thought. Sometimes, one party pretty much doesn't get their way about a significant issue in their life.

[Kathy in MD]

I just don't understand. You think if her dh doesn't change his mind about the school issue that she should leave him? :confused: Granted there are a few red flags for me too since she said he has been different in the last year...but really...not all marriages are blissfully united in deed and thought. Sometimes, one party pretty much doesn't get their way about a significant issue in their life.

 

I don't think Brindee was talking about the OP's dh changing his mind about the school issue. I think she was talking about if the OP's dh continues making major decisions that affect her and/or their dc without her imput. A pattern of ignoring the spouse's opinions and imput is a sign of severe problems in a marriage to me also.

[Scarlett]

I don't think Brindee was talking about the OP's dh changing his mind about the school issue. I think she was talking about if the OP's dh continues making major decisions that affect her and/or their dc without her imput. A pattern of ignoring the spouse's opinions and imput is a sign of severe problems in a marriage to me also.

 

 

I guess I missed 'the pattern' part of it. She did say he has been different the last year, but I didn't see any other examples of making decisions without her. And she acknowledges that she told him she might be open to that idea--of putting them in school.

 

I just think that homeschooling....while very very important to me personally...is not the hill to die on.

[Jugglin'5]

I just don't understand. You think if her dh doesn't change his mind about the school issue that she should leave him? :confused: Granted there are a few red flags for me too since she said he has been different in the last year...but really...not all marriages are blissfully united in deed and thought. Sometimes, one party pretty much doesn't get their way about a significant issue in their life.

 

:iagree: I think some of the suggestions here are a little precipitous. If the wife insists on homeschooling, should the husband threaten to leave her? It cuts both ways. I agree that his communication has been sorely lacking, and maybe there is some kind of big problem lurking. But to suggest that if we don't get our own way, then it is time to pack the bags, seems a bit reactionary. Perhaps I'm reading some of you wrong, though. It wouldn't be the first time. :-)

[Kathy in MD]

I guess I missed 'the pattern' part of it. She did say he has been different the last year, but I didn't see any other examples of making decisions without her. And she acknowledges that she told him she might be open to that idea--of putting them in school.

 

I just think that homeschooling....while very very important to me personally...is not the hill to die on.

 

No, I don't think a pattern has YET been established. But if this behavior continues.........

 

I personally wouldn't die on the public school issue either, especially since this year my dh & I WILL be discussing the possibility of sending our 8th grader to high school. But if my dh started ignoring my imput frequently on important issues and wouldn't try to alter the behavior or get counceling, I *might* consider more drastic action.

[Barb_]

Something happens between homeschooling one or two children for a 3-4 years and homeschooling a crowd of children for 12 or more. It becomes less about school choice and more about identity. Jodi's husband has stripped her of her lifestyle, her vocation, her friends and her identity in one swift move. What he has done is akin to having her fired, but worse.

 

Barb

[Kelli in TN]

Something happens between homeschooling one or two children for a 3-4 years and homeschooling a crowd of children for 12 or more. It becomes less about school choice and more about identity. Jodi's husband has stripped her of her lifestyle, her vocation, her friends and her identity in one swift move. What he has done is akin to having her fired, but worse.

 

Barb

 

You have really hit the nail on the head with this observation.:iagree:

[sunshine]

I'm jumping in without reading again. I read original post and about 10 replies before my eyes crossed.

 

Wonderful conversation ladies, but it is time for Dh and Dw to go to the arbitrator. Go to the preacher if you are a Christian for counseling or to a shrink if you are not a Christian or better yet, go to a Christian shrink!! Because there is way too much distance between these hearts and mindsets. To sacrifice young lives on the alter of convenience and in laws (please please tell me this part is not true), is a marriage breaker. Like it or not, this will fester and erupt every time a kindergartner cries leaving the house or a middle schooler shuts down emotionally or a senior refuses boundaries or sports a new tattoo without the family approval....etc... My moment came 8 years ago when my little boy looked at me and said "I am not doing it the way you say, I only listen to my teacher" that was the minute, second that I said , NO you are mine and you are coming home. DH refused, said I was not going to make a freak of his son by homeschooling him and 3 years of bitterness ensued. I paid for 2 divorces that I did back out of, but I have not forgotten the look in my son's eyes when I had to drop him off everyday, it was betrayal. And he was in a "the best" Christian private school. **8 yrs later my Dh cannot believe people send there kids to schoo!!:lol:

No, it is a marriage breaker, if God called her to school her children, then He will provide a way, but if you can go to a counselor if his heart is not open to yours. I pray for you :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

Something happens between homeschooling one or two children for a 3-4 years and homeschooling a crowd of children for 12 or more. It becomes less about school choice and more about identity. Jodi's husband has stripped her of her lifestyle, her vocation, her friends and her identity in one swift move. What he has done is akin to having her fired, but worse.

 

Barb

 

What she said! This is what concerns me--the disrespect, even after the "apology" in the follow-up thread. I am praying for Jodi and fervently hope she seeks counseling for her marriage.