Mature content about marriage

[BYE]

Please don't read any further if you don't like discussing or reading about someones issues with 3ex. 

 

I know I am pretty new here, but I am a fairly anti social person, and I honestly don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. I also know that the age ranges and experiences here are so varied that I feel like I can get a good grip on this situation. 

 

Here's the issue. I am 30 and my husband and I have been married for 9 years. It'll be 10 in May. We have known each other since 7th grade. We have 2 children, 5 and 7. We have a pretty good foundation and no serious issues other than 3ex. As time goes on, we have 3ex less and less. I cannot tell you why because I don't know, but I have no desire. Most times when we have 3ex it's because I am throwing my husband a bone. It is very rare that I actually want to have 3ex. My husband is an attractive man. It isn't that I don't think he's attractive. When we first got together we were pretty 3exually active. We started dating in college after we had known each other a long time. We were married within 9 months and by our wedding night I remember not really wanting to have 3ex. 

 

I love my husband. He is my best friend. But the anxiety I get after our children go to bed in the evening is becoming so unbearable. I feel sick to my stomach and I am in tears right now because I can't keep going on like this. My husband and I have conversations about this all the time (my lack of desire and his strong desire). I can't wear anything tight or anything that might seem sexy without my husband feeling like it's an invitation. So most of the time I'm in a tee shirt and sweats. I can't drink a glass of wine without my husband thinking he will get lucky that night. Most of the time I don't like to drink because it makes me feel yucky, but there are times that I might like to enjoy a glass of wine without the expectation that I have to 3ex. 

 

My husband and I are so mismatched when it comes to our 3exual desires. We have 3ex about once a month now and that is almost always forced on my part. So I guess what I want to know is are my husband and I doomed? He says that even if we get to a place where we have no 3ex that he still loves me and that we will stay together. Do I believe that? No, I don't because I can see the difference in how he treats me when he has had 3ex. There is a definite difference in how he reacts to me throughout the day. 

 

I don't wan't any "suck it up buttercup and give the man what he needs" advice because that just isn't where I am. Does anyone have any experience in an almost 3exless marriage surviving and thriving?

[Veritaserum]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's tough. What is your ideal solution? Would you like to figure out how to have a happy, sexless marriage? Or would you like to figure out why you have no desire and address that issue? I personally would wonder about depression or some other medical disorder or perhaps some underlying negative beliefs you might have about sex. I was raised with less than positive teachings about sexuality (especially female sexuality) that I had to work through before I really enjoyed and wanted sex.

 

If you are actually asexual, it would be important to recognize that and have your spouse recognize that and for each of you to decide whether or not the marriage can survive without a sexual component.

[BYE]

Thank you. My ideal solution would be for my husband to be happy and fulfilled and I wish he could be that in a sexless marriage. I don't think I am asexual because when we first got together we were young and the hormones were flying. I think i do have negative feelings toward sex that came from some religious teachings. Teaching that suggested my body wasn't mine and that it belonged to my husband. My husband doesn't feel like that, I did. And now I feel really controlling of my body. For example, if someone in public looks at me in a certain way, I don't feel flattered. I feel disgusted and sick. I know it's so much about what is in my head. I know that if my husband and I ever got a divorce I would remain single.

 

 

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  It sounds like you have love in your marriage and a desire from both of you to make a good marriage.  In your shoes, I would attend counseling by myself and explore this issue.  I would tell dh that I am attending counseling and why, as I'm sure he would be encouraged by a desire to take steps towards understanding and addressing this issue. 

 

Many people are wounded in this area, for so many reasons.  You are not alone.  (((hugs)))

[Veritaserum]

I had similar feelings (disgust, repulsion) until I addressed those negative religious teachings and learned a new, healthy, sex-positive view of my body and sexuality. It was difficult at times to process, but I am much happier now. It might be worth considering for you to do that unless you think your husband can truly be happy in a sexless marriage, too. I would personally have an extremely hard time if my husband no longer wished to have a sexual relationship with me. I wouldn't necessarily divorce him over it, but I would not be completely happy and fulfilled because sexual contact helps me feel closer to him. Not everyone feels that way, though.

[LucyStoner]

Thank you. My ideal solution would be for my husband to be happy and fulfilled and I wish he could be that in a sexless marriage. I don't think I am asexual because when we first got together we were young and the hormones were flying. I think i do have negative feelings toward sex that came from some religious teachings. Teaching that suggested my body wasn't mine and that it belonged to my husband. My husband doesn't feel like that, I did. And now I feel really controlling of my body. For example, if someone in public looks at me in a certain way, I don't feel flattered. I feel disgusted and sick. I know it's so much about what is in my head. I know that if my husband and I ever got a divorce I would remain single.

I think that you need to get help with these feelings by seeing a sex therapist. Unless you are truly happy living celibate, you are a young woman who deserves to have a healthy and loving marital relationship. I am not telling you to suck it up, I am telling you that you may be depriving not only your husband but yourself of a very wonderful part of life and that with help you may find you feel totally different and interested in sex on a more regular basis. You owe it to your husband and your kids and most importantly of all TO YOURSELF to take care of these negative feelings and open yourself up to a truly amazing relationship.

 

If I were in your shoes I would go to my husband and tell him that until I get help, I am not available for sex that I feel meh/unhappy about but that my long term goal is to be able to participate in a mutual sexual relationship with him. If he's a good guy, he's going to be thrilled that you are ready to tackle these issues and he's going to be supportive of waiting until you feel differently. If you never do feel differently or realize that you are truly asexual, you guys can decide what to do then.

 

Expecting you both to go on as is is unfair and unrealistic for both of you.

 

Expecting him to accept an asexual relationship for the long haul is unfair and unrealistic to him. And I'd argue for yourself and your whole family. Your kids are learning how to relate to a partner and how to be married by watching you.

[Mrs Mungo]

Have you thought about counseling for these feelings? It sounds like you have some issues that could be addressed with a qualified counselor. Have you talked to your doctor? A lack of libido can be a sign of many different medical issues.

[BYE]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it? And please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?

[bettyandbob]

Have you talked to a doctor or counselor about this? Your lack of desire is not normal. It is fair to ask your dh to be patient with you, but you need to be finding out what might be going on with you medically or psychologically. I don't think it's healthy for a marriage for one person to unilaterally decided there won't be any 3ex. In the long run the marriage will suffer. It sounds like you've discussed it a little. I think if you love your dh, you need to explore your lack of desire with both an MD and a counselor. It may take a few tries to find the right MD and the right counselor. I think you have to be in place to be willing to try the things your counselor and/ doctors suggest, as well. I think if you don't want your feelings and anxiety to continue, you have to seek help to find the why of this issue. 

 

 

[Loowit]

I would get a medical checkup to make sure all your hormones are where they should be.  Also, are you on BCP?  That can really make your libido go down dramatically.  If neither of those are an issue I would seek counseling.

 

In my marriage I was the one who was more desirous and my DH had a very low libido.  We found out that for him it was a hormone issue easily treated with medication.  I was not willing to live in a asexually marriage.  I am not sure if I could actually go though with a divorce over it, but it was very much killing our marriage.  I didn't get married to have a roommate that was just my good buddy, I also wanted a lover.  Fortunately DH was willing, eventually, to get help.  I don't think you need to suck it up, but I do think you owe it to yourself and your husband to seek answers and get help.

[Veritaserum]

Certainly you shouldn't ever feel like you *have* to share your body. But you may discover that you *want* to share your body because doing so brings you (and your partner) joy. That is a difference between healthy sexuality and unhealthy sexuality. You shouldn't be having sex if you don't enjoy it, but you should probably figure out why you don't enjoy it.

[Mrs Mungo]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it?

Nobody is saying that you have to. But, I would feel it was worth exploring why I felt that way. If I didn't think it was worth it, then I would wonder what it was I really felt for my husband.

 

please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?

This isn't something my marriage would survive. My dh is sometimes gone for long periods of time. So, there are times when we are abstinent. I know we both *can* do that when we have to. But, it isn't what we want. Neither my dh nor I would be okay with just giving up the intimate parts of our relationship without cause.

[LucyStoner]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it? And please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?

I had a long period of my relationship where health issues and past trauma made sexual intercourse literally, physically, impossible. In my situation, the cause was different as it connected to past sexual assault rather than religious teaching. It took time and effort from me and it took patience and effort from my husband but we were able to work through it. We are just a bit older than you and married at the same age. We have a pretty amazing sexual relationship now, in large part because we got off to the right start by getting me the help I needed.

[edelweiss]

I can definitely identify.  I feel much the same as you do.  However, I don't have any body issues or issues with religious teachings, etc.  I just think that sex is highly over-rated and don't want it.  Like you, I love my DH dearly and am very attracted to him.  I don't want him to be unhappy, so I do it for him.  However, if something were to happen to him or if we were to get divorced, I would never ever consider getting married again.

 

In my case, I don't do anything about it.  I've felt this way for a long time, so I'm used to it now.  DH seems to be okay if I'm willing to participate once a week (sometimes less), so I just know that I have to do that for him.

[BYE]

I remember at 18 getting ready to go to college. In school, I was given advice to get my first pap smear before I left home. I guess for cancers and just to make sure I was healthy. I bawled like a baby through the whole thing. It was so bad the doctor asked me if I has someone to come in and sit with me. I was alone though, my parents were at work. And there isn't a history of any kind of abuse. None at all. So as early as 18 I felt so sick that someone had touched me. 

 

I made an appt with the obgyn who delivered my son 5 years ago. I think I will start there. 

[goldberry]

There have been times in my marraige where we went long periods without sex, due to issues on my part, both physical and emotional.  DH was SO loving and supportive, I could not have wished for a better response.  However, he also knew that I considered his feelings important, and was doing the best I could to work through the issues.  I wasn't going to just give up on it.  By at least trying to get to the bottom of things, you are telling him you value his happiness as well as your own.

 

I know he would not be happy in a sexless marraige indefinitely.  Would he have divorced me, or had an affair?  No, I don't think so.  He is just an amazingly loyal person.  He would put his own happiness second to his loyalty and love in that case.  But that is not what I would want for our marraige.  It would be different if we had tried everything, and there was nothing that could help. 

 

I agree with the poster who said you should do this for yourself as well, and not give up on a part of yourself that might bring you much joy.  The fact that you have a loving marraige otherwise, is the perfect environment for you to explore this and try to heal it.

 

:grouphug:  

[goldberry]

Well I have no physical or mental issues that I know of in that department, but my sex drive is just very low.  And at the end of the day, I mostly just want to go to sleep.  I haven't figured out what could fix it, but I am thankful that my husband has been very understanding.  I do sometimes feel bad and like I wish I could change a bit in that department, but I really don't know what would do it.

 

Just wanted to tell you that you are certainly not the only one.

 

This is the truth.  Even when I "resolved my issues" that were making sex almost-never, I am still in the low-sex-drive category married to a high-sex-drive male.  We have reached a happy medium, however, that both of us are satisfied with.

[sbbulliv]

I would definitely talk to your dr. Also I like Sara Gottfried. Book is called Hormone Cure. Website is saragottfriedmd.com

[Plink]

I don't think it would kill my marriage, but I know for sure that it would change our relationship. I can't imagine being in a relationship where one partner has complete control, be it sexually, financially, or in any other way. We function as a team.

 

I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

 

The fact that you describe yourself as being in tears about this makes me think that there is much more to the story than just this one issue. Depression and anxiety are real, and can cause a host of physical effects. Please take the advice of the previous posters and get the help that you need.

[LucyStoner]

The OP isn't describing low sex drive or an ebb and flow of life. She's describing an aversion to sex and negative thoughts about body autonomy that have persisted for most or even all of her adult life. She's also still quite young, only 30 years old. This doesn't sound like a lower than average sex drive, it sounds like a very unhealthy and atypical idea of sex and sexual relationships.

 

If you talk to a doctor who says there is no help, you have talked to the wrong doctor. The right medical professional can make a big difference in situations like this, the wrong one can make the patient feel isolated and hopeless.

[BYE]

I made an appt for the 7th. I can't get in before then unless I wanted to see a man and I just don't want to do that so I will wait until the 7th. 

[goldberry]

Ok..just want to say talking to doctors is USELESS.  There is no treatment.  That is what totally sucks.

 

Well, in my case I was on an antidepressant after having PPD that never went away.  The antidepressent was a major sex-drive-killer, but I thought, "Oh, nothing I can do" because I tried before to get off it and couldn't.  The doctor actually prescribed be another antidepressent that counteracted some of those effects and my sex-drive improved. 

 

I also happened to have an abnormality where (TMI warning!) a certain part of me keeps trying to grow closed, and needless to say that was making sex way more uncomfortable than it should have been.  After having one doctor tell me don't worry about it, and another tell me I wasn't getting enough foreplay, finally a doctor who LISTENED to me discovered scar tissue there and was able to do a small in-office surgery that helped immensely!

 

Then there was a counselor who helped me deal with some of my views toward sexuality and my body, and that was probably the most beneficial part.

 

I'm sorry if nothing worked in your situation.  It doesn't mean the OP shouldn't try.

[stripe]

Ok..just want to say talking to doctors is USELESS.  There is no treatment.  That is what totally sucks.

Doesn't that depend what the problem is, though? For example, if a lady is on BCP that's causing a lowered interest, or is experiencing some pain, or various other issues, there can be treatment, right? 

[goldberry]

I made an appt for the 7th. I can't get in before then unless I wanted to see a man and I just don't want to do that so I will wait until the 7th. 

 

:grouphug: .  Don't be discouraged or give up if the doctor doesn't take you seriously.  (See my experience above.)  Sometimes you just have to find the right doctor.

[Dory]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it? And please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?

 

I get it. I have a pretty low drive too. Seeing a counselor didn't feel like me trying to change myself to make my dh happy though, or like I was trying to learn how to better give control of my body to him. It was about learning to deal with my own issues that got in the way. Dealing with problems never feels great at the time, but the end results are worth it. I still don't have anywhere close to a high s*x drive, but I am comfortable with that part of my life now which makes a huge difference. Now my attitude is different when we are intimate and it means a lot more to both of us. My dh has a fairly high drive and it's been a little harder for him to adjust to what our life will be, but he has worked on it, and he says he's pretty happy with it all overall because he feels like when I am with him, I am really there, not just throwing him a bone and that makes him feel good. He says he can adjust to less if I am at least really into it when it does happen, and he can adjust to doing things on my terms and in my style so long as we do it together.

[Ewe Mama]

Definitely have your hormone levels checked. I have premature ovarian failure and went through early menopause at the ripe old age of 38. All those years of not being really in the mood were really my body going through major peri menopause, starting shortly after we were married.

[Ipsey]

I don't have any suggestions, but I just want to give you a big hug and encourage you to follow up on some of the suggestions the ladies have given you here.

 

One of my dearest s-i-l came to me in tears on Thansgiving saying she was getting a divorce from her husband of 20 years because he hadn't initiated sex in over 17 years. She had lost about 15 pounds and was really struggling. She said it killed  her to give up a marriage that made her happy in every way except sexually. They were very active before they got married and the first 3 years after, but then he just didn't need it anymore, and he refused to address it with a counselor or doctor. 

 

We're all so sad because we love this b-i-l, but sex is important to s-i-l. She said to hubby that they could stay married, as long as he had no problem with her getting her needs met (in this way) outside of their marriage, and apparently, they may be in negotiations on this point.

I have just never seen my S-i-l so shaken up, but she was just at the breaking point.

 

I hope your husband knows how lucky he is to have a wife who is willing to make an effort to meet his needs sexually, even if it's hard and may take intervention.

 

 

[goldberry]

 and he refused to address it with a counselor or doctor. 

 

.

 

See, I think that's the major point right there.  If someone honestly tries to resolve things, and both people really believe that, then things still don't work, that's a whole different story.  I think in a loving marraige, you can find a way to adjust to that (uh...not including adultery hopefully...)

 

But when someone refuses to even try (not just throwing the bone, but trying to resolve the core issues) then that sends a message that the other spouse is not important enough to bother. 

 

It makes a difference.

[StephanieZ]

I am glad for you that you've made an appt soon to get on the path to addressing this. 

 

S3x is a complicated issue in many marriages and for many individuals. I totally get that. 

 

That said, I think it is a rare marriage that would thrive long term given the circumstances of 1) both partners not choosing this & 2) being so young and having many potential s3xual years ahead of you both. Whether or not your husband ultimately leaves is one issue, but the other issue is whether or not you are both actually happy whether or not you stay together. Are you fabulously in love with him, being his biggest fan and best friend? Is it mutual? How do you feel about him finding other outlets? How does he feel about that? Are the issues that make you uninterested haunting you in other ways? Does this disinterest make you feel bad? 

 

I can imagine it being theoretically possible to be in a happy marriage completely (or nearly so) s3xless, but I think it would be rare except when due to (mutual) age/illness issues after a lifetime of a mutually nurturing relationship. I'd think it very likely that the marriage will not thrive a lifetime when begun so young and not mutually acceptable. He will leave, or you will leave, or you will be distant and unhappy. This may take a decade or more to happen, but it is what I'd expect.

 

So, I think finding the right combination of therapy and/or medical assistance is the way to go. If you value your spouse and marriage, find help. If one doctor or therapist is no help within 8 weeks/sessions, seek another therapist or doctor. Try and try again. Personally, I think having a drink or three, with some regularity, is a great idea. Dh does not need to know that you had a drink or two. Or, if it is legal in your place of residence, maybe try marijuana. Desperate times call for desperate measures, IMHO.

 

Good luck solving this. (((hugs)))

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it?

 

I do understand this. However, think of it this way. I have 4 children, 3 of whom are extroverts. My dh and I are extreme introverts. 3 of our kids NEED more stimulation and interaction. I could say. Nope kiddos, I'm done talking and listening for the day at 10:30 am and be totally honest. However, that wouldn't be best for them because they need the interaction. I find ways to keep them happy and have learned skills to deal with my introversion to give them what they need.  While the kids could survive if I constantly checked out because of my own needs, they would not be able to thrive. I know you want your dh to thrive in your marriage. Figuring out the information that you need regarding this problem is a step in the right direction.

 

I also had issues mentally about teA because of negative teachings as a child about the intimacies of marriage. It took years to get comfortable with my dh, my body and my feelings. Getting off of BCP helped too.

[BYE]

I don't have any suggestions, but I just want to give you a big hug and encourage you to follow up on some of the suggestions the ladies have given you here.

 

One of my dearest s-i-l came to me in tears on Thansgiving saying she was getting a divorce from her husband of 20 years because he hadn't initiated sex in over 17 years. She had lost about 15 pounds and was really struggling. She said it killed  her to give up a marriage that made her happy in every way except sexually. They were very active before they got married and the first 3 years after, but then he just didn't need it anymore, and he refused to address it with a counselor or doctor. 

 

We're all so sad because we love this b-i-l, but sex is important to s-i-l. She said to hubby that they could stay married, as long as he had no problem with her getting her needs met (in this way) outside of their marriage, and apparently, they may be in negotiations on this point.

I have just never seen my S-i-l so shaken up, but she was just at the breaking point.

 

I hope your husband knows how lucky he is to have a wife who is willing to make an effort to meet his needs sexually, even if it's hard and may take intervention.

 

I have told my husband that I would be ok with him getting his needs met with a girlfriend. That is not something I ever thought I would be ok with. I know that makes me sound horrible, but that is where I am. He says no that he will just deal with it on his own. 

[Veritaserum]

I may be wrong, but I've heard low testosterone in women can be a cause of low libido, so testosterone therapy can help.

[trulycrabby]

I doubt this is the issue since you have had an aversion to sex for a long time, but are you on any medication that can decrease or eliminate sexual drive? For example, SSRI's are notorious for decreasing sex drive. The doctor can check your hormone levels, then perhaps make a recommendation for sex therapy, if needed. Please consider it. You may not feel this way now, but removing sexual aversion could help you and your husband have an extremely fulfilling relationship, even more so than now.

[Veritaserum]

For me, though, the issue was more mental than physical although I discovered late that a glass of wine helps with both components--I stop worrying about my To Do list and relax, which makes for a more enjoyable experience. :)

[DragonFaerie]

Definitely have your hormone levels checked. I have premature ovarian failure and went through early menopause at the ripe old age of 38. All those years of not being really in the mood were really my body going through major peri menopause, starting shortly after we were married.

 

If you don't mind sharing a bit here, did your drive come back after you got through peri menopause?  I, too, went through surgical menopause starting when I was 35.  Now, 9 years later, things are starting to feel like they're changing, but I don't know if it's just wishful thinking on my part.

[Mandylubug]

I haven't read all the replies, so I will be repeating I am certain.

 

My first thoughts:

 

Have Dr check hormones, thyroid and sugar levels etc to rule out any physical issues

 

Counseling can't hurt

 

Exercise really REALLY helps my libido. If you are exhausted and mentally foggy, try some form of exercise. Walking, jogging, etc.

 

Lastly, I have been there. I'm 31 with four kids. You give SO much of your self day in and day out mentally and physically and gosh darn it if that man doesn't come "demanding" one more thing from you. You need to take care of you! Do you need a break? Need to lose weight? Need a date or communication with hubby?

 

I learned I am more open to affection from DH in certain scenarios. I hate to have assumptions on my shoulders. I also do better after I read a bit, too!

[Mandylubug]

OMG people...there IS NO HORMONE TREATMENT FOR SEX DRIVE.

Very true but wacky hormones made me feel off my rocker. It wasn't necessarily sex drive it improved but my emotional and mental health in its entirety. BCP make me loony, no lie.

[BYE]

I doubt this is the issue since you have had an aversion to sex for a long time, but are you on any medication that can decrease or eliminate sexual drive? For example, SSRI's are notorious for decreasing sex drive. The doctor can check your hormone levels, then perhaps make a recommendation for sex therapy, if needed. Please consider it. You may not feel this way now, but removing sexual aversion could help you and your husband have an extremely fulfilling relationship, even more so than now.

 

No medications at all. I take tylenol every once in awhile and melatonin at night to help me sleep. My periods are very regular and my pregnancies were uneventful. My health is pretty good which is a reason that it seems pretty helpless. Knowing that there probably isn't a physical medical reason and that it's probably in my head is not fun. 

[Mrs Mungo]

OMG people...there IS NO HORMONE TREATMENT FOR SEX DRIVE.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/30/testosterone-women-hormone-therapy_n_3634847.html

 

Men and women in the United States have used testosterone therapy since the late 1930s, in many instances for more than 40 years -- with only rare adverse results. Yet many patients, and doctors, are unaware of testosterone therapy for women. The number of women in the United States currently on testosterone therapy is estimated to be in the tens of thousands -- miniscule compared with the millions prescribed oral estrogen-progestin regimens, like Premarin and Provera.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/testosterone-therapy/AN01390

 

Research shows that the hormone testosterone does impact sex drive — as well as remedy other sexual problems — in certain women with sexual dysfunction. But the long-term safety of testosterone therapy for women is unknown. For this reason, some doctors are hesitant to recommend it. Testosterone therapy usually is prescribed only for women who have sufficient estrogen levels.

Unless you consider the Mayo Clinic to be full of witch doctors, maybe you should consider seeing a new doctor instead of yelling at us.

[Joules]

No medications at all. I take tylenol every once in awhile and melatonin at night to help me sleep. My periods are very regular and my pregnancies were uneventful. My health is pretty good which is a reason that it seems pretty helpless. Knowing that there probably isn't a physical medical reason and that it's probably in my head is not fun. 

 

My guess is that a counselor would be the most help, but a complete workup at the doctor would be a good idea.

 

And there is a chance it may be the melatonin:

From http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement/melatonin

 

Additional side effects include stomach cramps, dizziness, headache, irritability, decreased libido, breast enlargement in men (called gynecomastia), and decreased sperm count.

[Mrs Mungo]

I asked my doctor and she said NO WAY. Too many unknowns and she doesn't recommend it for something like that. Believe me...I explored my options.

Maybe she doesn't consider it a serious enough issue. But, as the articles I posted said, it has been used for this purpose for *over 70 years* with very few reports of serious issues. Read the articles, then decide if your doctor is right for you. But, do NOT write it off as a lie or voodoo.

[BYE]

My guess is that a counselor would be the most help, but a complete workup at the doctor would be a good idea.

 

And there is a chance it may be the melatonin:

From http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement/melatonin

 

Additional side effects include stomach cramps, dizziness, headache, irritability, decreased libido, breast enlargement in men (called gynecomastia), and decreased sperm count.

 

I didn't know that about melatonin. That's interesting. I've only been using it the last couple of months so it wouldn't explain all the other years, but it is something to consider for now. 

[Laurie4b]

Glad you are going to the doctor. I would think that would help your dh feel like you care. 

 

If you get the all-clear from a doctor, would you consider a therapist who specializes in the issues?

 

If not, there are self-help books. You basically start out with a commitment to just snuggling or other kind of touching that doesn't provoke anxiety. There is no intercourse,etc. at all until you can do the steps before without anxiety.  It's like treatment of anxiety. The anxiety may even have become the issue and you think it's about sex.

 

Do you have any inkling at all that you might have been sexually abused? Sometimes people don't remember that at first. (I'm not asking you to answer that on the internet! I hope you won't. It's just something to think about.)

 

I doubt many marriages would survive this at your age if it doesn't change. If your dh has strong religious feelings about divorce, maybe. If you've offered him gfs, if he eventually does that, sex creates bonding.

[jillian]

Look for a therapist who will discuss something like Sensate Focus Therapy. That is the primary treatment for sexual issues in marriage and family therapy.

[Joules]

 

If not, there are self-help books. You basically start out with a commitment to just snuggling or other kind of touching that doesn't provoke anxiety. There is no intercourse,etc. at all until you can do the steps before without anxiety.  It's like treatment of anxiety. The anxiety may even have become the issue and you think it's about sex.

 

Take a look at something like this:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors/dp/0062130730

 

I think that you need to work together to solve the problem, either with a counselor or through a program like the book above.  I would also suggest that you both need to be open to whatever solution comes out.  He needs to be open to the fact that ultimately it may mean less, and you need to be open to the possibility that things could be better for you and that may mean more. 

[ktgrok]

You say, "it's my body, why should i Have to share it". but....you should want to, and that you don't is leading me to believe you need to talk to a therapist, not a doctor. Look at it this way. If you make a really lovely meal, or cake, do you think, "this is MY food, why should I have to share?" Or do you think, "my husband will LOVE this cake, it has his favorite frosting, I can't wait to share it with him!"  In a normal/healthy marriage you WANT to please your partner sexually. Instead it seems to have become a control issue for you, and that is what I think you need to explore. 

[BYE]

Glad you are going to the doctor. I would think that would help your dh feel like you care. 

 

If you get the all-clear from a doctor, would you consider a therapist who specializes in the issues?

 

If not, there are self-help books. You basically start out with a commitment to just snuggling or other kind of touching that doesn't provoke anxiety. There is no intercourse,etc. at all until you can do the steps before without anxiety.  It's like treatment of anxiety. The anxiety may even have become the issue and you think it's about sex.

 

Do you have any inkling at all that you might have been sexually abused? Sometimes people don't remember that at first. (I'm not asking you to answer that on the internet! I hope you won't. It's just something to think about.)

 

I doubt many marriages would survive this at your age if it doesn't change. If your dh has strong religious feelings about divorce, maybe. If you've offered him gfs, if he eventually does that, sex creates bonding.

Yes, I'm going to get the all clear from the doctor and then see a therapist. 

[BYE]

Look for a therapist who will discuss something like Sensate Focus Therapy. That is the primary treatment for sexual issues in marriage and family therapy.

Thank you. I will look in to this. 

[Ipsey]

I have told my husband that I would be ok with him getting his needs met with a girlfriend. That is not something I ever thought I would be ok with. I know that makes me sound horrible, but that is where I am. He says no that he will just deal with it on his own. 

 

I don't think that's horrible at all, honestly. I think, if every possible outlet had been sought, and nothing could be done, that a sex surrogate isn't horrible. I would certainly offer such a thing to my husband if it ever came to that (I thought a lot about this when S-i-l came to me, and recently when a friend of mine had total pelvic exenteration surgery--you might not want to Google that), but I think he'd probably respond as your husband did. However, I think I could offer it honestly. I think it was a kind offer on your part.

 

*hug*

[StephanieZ]

Since you've told your dh you're OK with him having a gf, have you considered the likelihood that he will fall in love with the gf? I guess some men are able to completely separate s3x from feelings, but I know my dh isn't like that, and the other men I've known well were not like that, either. If some girl falls for him enough to be willing to have s3x with him, isn't it likely they would fall in love? If not the first girl, then the next one? Or the next? If you are willing to take that risk, then maybe you really have marital issues, not s3x issues? 

 

I think a medical workup is a great first step, but a great therapist (or two or three . . . solo for you, marital for both, etc.) is likely the best chance for fixing this. If you want to fix it, then it will take a lot of bravery and perseverance from you. I would bet it can be done, but it won't be a quick fix. Be strong. You can do this!

 

FWIW, if you can afford it, then I think individual counseling for you (maybe each of you) PLUS a marriage therapist for you both together would be the best way to get going ASAP. If it isn't urgent, then start with individual counseling for you and add as needed over time . . . If it is urgent (someone is about to leave or there is other urgency), then I'd throw it all at the problem right away, though. 

 

Meanwhile, what about having FUN together? I think a physical healthy activity you do together is really good for all aspects of marriage. So is laughing out loud. Is there a hobby you did together or do together or one you can begin? Skiing? Hiking? Running? Swimming? Yoga? Karate? If there is anything like that you could do, I'd schedule it at least once a week, get a baby sitter for sure, and just make time to do it together for at least a couple hours every week. Also, watch very funny movies or TV shows or play very silly board games -- again, at least once a week, the two of you only. Making time and $$ for these things seems hard, but it will be much, much more expensive to support a girl friend (dates!! hotels!! flowers!!) or two households! Personally, I'd also make it a top priority that dad and you together are having fun times with the kids at activities you all enjoy, but that would not replace the fun times for the couple. Family and marriage come first . . . everything else would drop on the priority list.