If your husband travels 50% or more for work...

[snickerplum]

We have a choice for a different position within my husband's company. It means a move - bummer (we have great friends, a church we love and a nice house), but it will be closer to my family, which I'd love. And they want him bad. They told him to name his salary (realistic - no 1/2 million or anything like that, but it could be up to a 50-75% raise). The big downside? Looks like close to 50% travel. This last quarter's travel has been like that and it's been stinky. Of course, if we move my mom would be within a 4 hour drive to come help.

If your husband travels a lot, what does this look like for your family? I'm thinking communication, closeness in the marriage, discipline/behavior with the children. I'd love being close to extended family and the money would be very helpful (we could be debt free - woo hoo!), but I dont want to trade my husband or my family's dynamic for money. If the travel was less it'd be a no brainer - take the job! 

How has work travel effected your family?  

[QueenCat]

I'd probably go for it to be closer to family. Although you won't have the swing by & help, we often do one nighters that are 3-5 hours away. We'd love it if our family was that close to us. Dh used to travel a lot more, but it was in spurts. He'd be gone for a few weeks every couple of months but then might go six months without travel. I just got used to it. The kids adjusted fine when he was home.

[snickerplum]

For us, the closest family we have right now is my husband's and they're 9 hours away. My family is about a 22 hour non-stop drive from our house. So the idea that my mom could leave after breakfast and get to our house for lunch is exciting. :) But I know what you mean - I married him because I want to be with him, not so he can make money for me to spend...

[Word Nerd]

My DH travels all the time but not always overnight, but there are times during the year when I don't see him from Monday morning until Friday night. It sounds like this will be one of those weeks. It's definitely a challenge to manage everything when he's gone. We text and chat a lot, but it's not the same as him actually being home. The biggest issue is that his schedule is inconsistent and always subject to change, as one of the company's selling points for clients is being available on short notice. He may think he's coming home at 4 and his boss will call with a last-minute rush job in another part of the state. My parents are only 2 hours away, and though we see them regularly, they aren't really available to help out the majority of the time. 

[JustEm]

I am not in this situation but I may consider having my dh take the job for a year or 2 if it meant we would be debt free after that.  After that  he would go back to normal hours that would provide for us and allow us to safe any money we weren't previously spending on paying down debt.  It would of course be difficult but our marriage and relationship are healthy enough to be able to handle it short term if it meant being debt free soon.  Had this question been given a year and a half ago the answer would have been 'no way in hell.'

 

Any more than a year or 2 and I'd say no.  Time with my dh is worth more than money.

[readwithem]

I wouldn't do it.  You have found that it's hard.  My answer would be different if your children were older.  But being the only on site parent of littlies is just hard.  Four hours distance from your nearest family?  They might as well live on the other side of the world, as far as practical day-to-day help is concerned.

 

My dh has traveled on and off in his 22+ year career (same company) - the toddler/preschooler years were definitely the hardest.

[snickerplum]

Well, the arrangement would be, when my husband's out of town, my mom will come. His trips will be 1 week at a time. So, when he's gone she'll be there. She doesn't work, so she's happily agreed to be at my disposal. Not that's she's a substitute for my husband, but I won't be without aid while he's away.

[Mama Geek]

We are in a different situation than you are, dh takes work where the pay is the best and works it for up to a year.  We travel with him.  That means sometimes staying in a hotel or sometimes getting an apartment (if we think the job will actually last a year).  We only have 1 child and we have a dog.  It isn't always easy but he does take months off in between jobs and allows us to have a great quality of life while he is not working.

[Rachel]

My husband's travel is erratic, he'll travel a lot one month and then not at all for several weeks.  With little kids it can be tough, there is no one to help out with taking care of the kids, or errands, bill paying, doctor appointments, etc.  If you stay home, you are on the clock from the moment the kids wake up, until they go to bed, and middle of the night too.  I have to have a good attitude about it or it really begins to affect how I deal with the kids.  Depending on the type of work, you may have difficulty figuring out when to communicate.  My husband tries to Facetime the kids at bed, but often he is at dinner with a client and not able to.  We usually text during the day and talk at night before bed.  

 

50% travel is a lot, that could mean he misses out on birthday parties, recitals, games, etc, that is something to consider.  

 

4 hours is still a long drive for your mom, how often is she willing to drive that far?  Does your mom work, does she already have a lot of commitments, how realistic is it that your mom would help with the kids?  In my family, it would be unlikely unless it was an true emergency (like my husband or one of my kids was hospitalized), but not all families are like that.  Have you lived near her since you have had kids?  My in-laws love to help with the kids and frequently offer, but they are busy with their own church, work, friends, etc., and it does not happen very often.  Even when I have had my MIL lined up, on occasion she'll have something come up and cancel at the last minute, it's frustrating, but something to consider before you change your life so drastically.

 

I wish you luck in making this decision, a huge raise is quite tempting.

[kewb]

My dh used to travel a lot for work when the kids were little and we live nowhere near family and new to the area so I did not have friends for help, either.  Yes, it was challenging and some days down right exhausting but I kept my eye on the long term goal.  We talked daily.  The bigger challenge was when he was home after traveling.  It messed up my routines and we had to learn to live together again. 

[Guest]

Dh hhas had to do it for 4 years. It sucks...I miss him, and would not ever do it by choice.

[Spryte]

My DH travels quite a bit, and our situation is similar in that my mom is about 5 hours away, and she often comes to hang out when DH is gone.  It's been a great experience for her to have time with the kids (and me), and I like the time we have together. She is old enough that I'm grateful for our time together and well aware that it won't be forever.  I'm glad my kids really know her, and have day to day memories of her.  

 

The worst part: I miss my DH when he's gone.  A lot.  Not just on the kid care front, but because he's fun and I like him!  It's also hard because I have chronic health issues that mean DH worries about me, and it can be difficult on a day to day basis.  

 

If you are thinking a 50 - 75% raise, then I would consider which things might make your life easier if you opt for the move. Spending a bit of the extra income on making it easier for you to do *your* job while DH does his might not be a bad idea.  A weekly housekeeper would be top on my list, if you don't have one already.  We did this, and it's a huge help.  I still pick up before the maids come, but they do the big work.  They come once a week, and I don't stress about cleaning baths, floors, changing linens, etc.  The energy I would have spent on that gets spent on other stuff that has to be done.  (To be totally fair, I have health issues also, so that's the primary reason for the housekeeper, but with DH traveling a lot, it's a must.)  Other things that might help, if you opt for the move are probably more individual.  For me, it's automating anything that we have to do, so I can spend my energy on kids and school... That means I use a grocery store that shops for me, after I place the order online, and I just pick up the bulk of the groceries (our grocery store charges $5 for this service, no matter how large the order, so it's not a huge expense).  We use auto bill pay whenever we can, and anything else that we can think of to streamline the housework or day to day obligations.  

 

You might consider an exit plan, in case this doesn't work out, too.  Agree to give it a set amount of time (a year, maybe?) and then reevaluate.  

 

Whatever you do, don't reevaluate the week after the kids have all had the stomach flu, and DH was out of the country, leaving you alone with projectile vomiting and your mom came to help and ended up with pneumonia, and then you came down with it and ... Yeh.  That can happen.  Not fun. But it does get better.  :)

 

How does your DH feel about the job offer?

[Jackie]

Not knowing what field your husband is in, I don't know how common job changes are. For my husband, job changes (even within the same company) are considered routine and we think of any position as lasting 1-2 years. In the 6.5 years he has been with his current company, I think he has had five job titles. Any chance this is the case with your husband and he could comfortably change jobs a couple years down the road?

 

If yes, then I would do it to become financially stable. If no, then that is too much for very long term.

 

DH used to travel a lot. Some of his jobs ranged from 50% to 80% travel. But when I was pregnant, he put out the word that he needed a position with less travel and hasn't gone over 25% since. I actually enjoyed him traveling when we were childless; I'm pretty independent and I think our marriage actually worked well seeing each other on weekends and one week a month. But now when he travels, I'm essentially a single parent and that gets much trickier.

[HollyDay]

The other 50% of the time dh is home, is he really "home" or is he working?  Dh used to travel a bunch.  But, when he was home, he was working long days and receiving calls on his days off.  It could be very difficult.  We could get into a routine when he was gone.  But, when he got home, he was working so many long days and would come home so tired.  His phone would ring and ring and ring on his days off or after hours.  I remember us going to the beach for the day.  He took several calls on the way over (2 hour drive).  Then he spent most of the afternoon on the phone while I played on the beach with dc.  It was almost easier for him to be on travel. 

 

[musicianmom]

My husband has a job that's about 75% travel. My mom lives with me and helps.

 

It has been an improvement for us because the previous job was so bad. He regularly got home after midnight, he had work to do at home all weekend, he was basically on call 24/7, he got no respect, and our insurance had a yearly 10K deductible.

 

Now he's doing a job he loves, being treated like the expert professional that he is, we have weekends together, our insurance is compatible with ACA so we won't lose it - yeah, it's worth the travel

[Erin]

My husband is currently working in the oil field.  He's gone for about 6 weeks, and home for 10-14 days.

 

We've been together 20 years, we were already in the habit of talking on the phone throughout the day and our kids are 12 and 14.  That said, if we had younger kids or a younger (or less solid) marriage I'm not sure we'd be doing as well as we are.   And, our situation was never intended to be permanent.   

 

 

We DO have discipline challenges, though I'm not sure I'd call them "problems."  

Twelve and 14 year, there are many a day where I wish I could tag their dad in so I could take a break!!

[Carrie12345]

"Travel" is kind of a subjective term in my head, lol.

Dh packs a bag and stays in a hotel a few times a month. More frequently, he "travels" hefty distances to jobs but comes back when he's done. It's very common for him to get home after the kids are in bed and leave before they're up. On the bright side, there are days he's home by 2 and days he just works from home.

 

We have family 2 hours away. It's never been convenient for them to come here or the kids to go there. We used to do it now and then, but it was way more hassle than it was worth.

 

Does the money make up for it? Not really. But he's had the same (non)schedule at every salary level, so it's what we're used to. And he really loves his work.

 

We're constantly trying to find balance. It causes arguments. We work it out. We actually work it out better when it causes an argument, lol. When we're caught up in things running smoothly, we tend to forget to touch base as a couple. Stress reminds us to take that time!

[datgh]

My husband is usually gone at least three days a week and some weeks more.  Here are some things I have learned:

 

It is very challenging when you have young sick kiddos and it looks like you have five so you know it is going to happen. Are you up for a run to the emergency room with all of them at 11:00 at night.  This happened to me a couple of times. There is also the exhaustion factor when you have sick kids and are up for several nights in a row with no one to spell you.

 

The biggest snowstorm of the season is coming and it is you and two little kids manning the snow shovels.

 

Now that our kids are teens I seem to spend hours in the car because I have no one to share the load of getting them to and from activities, appointments and lessons. 

 

It can be very hard on the marriage.  The bible says that man should be head of the household.  When your husband is gone for several days every week by default you eventually become head of the house hold because even if DH is home he will often be too tired to deal with things.  It can cause a lot of tension in our household. The transmission went on our car while hubby was away for a week so I called him and asked him what he felt I should do.  He told me to just go out and buy a new one.  In other words, what do you want me to do because I am a thousand miles away and need to get to my meeting.  You often don't have a choice when hubby is gone when things go wrong, My husband also often carries a lot of guilt because he feels he should be home to take care of things because he feels that is his job.

 

My husband is not people person so after traveling all week (plus he is in sales) the last thing he wants to do is go out and be with people but that may just be his personality.

 

We live on the east coast and DH often goes to different time zones or out of the country which can make being in contact with him very difficult due to meetings, meals out etc. and the family at home having their own schedule of activities.

 

The other thing that is tough at times is that DH never wants to go out to eat or away on a trip because he does it all the time.  I haven't seen the inside of a hotel with him in years now and we very rarely go out for dinner. He just doesn't enjoy it.  It's work.  We have found our way around some of this by camping because it is different for him if we travel this way.

 

These are some of the challenges our family has faced over the last fourteen years.  My kids only ever remember living this way and are very helpful now that they are teens.  Think very hard about the impact this job change would have on your family.  Also, think about how independent a person you are. If your Mom was right in town, I would say go for it but four hours away isn't going to help when there are sick kiddos or you are broken down on the side of the road.  It also will take you a year or two to build a good support network if you move.

 

 

[AlmiraGulch]

In my family, I'm the one who was traveling about 50% of the time, on average, for 4+ years.  I was engaged to and living with or married to my now husband for about 2 years of that.  

 

Honestly, it was fine.  It's just what I did, and we dealt with it.  It was also kind of good when I came home because we missed each other and really appreciated the time we did have together.  We Skyped, like I did with my kids to help with homework, and we texted, and we talked.  That's what we do now, too, although I travel much less now than I used to.

 

It sounds to me like it might be a good move for your family, if only for a couple of years.  Everyone has different experiences, but it worked for us.  

[Gentlemommy]

My dh is gone approximately 75% of the time. It's always erratic and changing, and never consistent. It's been this way since we had dd1, but he's travelled more and more every year. Now we have three dd's, and it's very hard. We make do, and I manage (actually we are more scheduled and the house stays cleaner when he's gone, go figure) but still, I hate it. It's hard on the kids, they never know when he's going to be gone or home. It's hard on me, I establish rules and routine when he's gone and it all goes to pot when he comes home. He's not at all clued in to what's going on in my life or the kids lives. It's affected our marriage negatively. It's the point of contention for me for every disagreement. I feel like I'm doing this on my own, and it's not what I signed up for. Despite me hating it so much, and it affecting our lives so badly, it's what he loves to do, and what he can make money doing. He'd have to work a minimum wage job if he quit, and he doesn't want to. We live 8 hours from family, and just moved here so we don't know anyone yet. That may also play into my frustration.

[wapiti]

How difficult it might be may depend on what you mean by 50% travel... gone two weeks out of every month is very different from gone two or three days out of every week.

 

My dh travels quite a bit though I've never counted it up.  Gone for weeks is much tougher than frequent short-duration trips.

[mathnerd]

What does your DH want to do? Does he want to take up this new offer or stay with the old job? In our family, that would be how we decide on such things. I have been the primary caregiver with noone to help me all my child's life. But, the sacrifice seems worth it for my DH who feels that the chances he is taking now would mean that he is available more for my child in his teen years. So, it is a lot a compromise and give and take. Hope you find the right answer to your question.

[Mrs Mungo]

Just to address this point specifically. When my husband joined and we knew his schedule was about to get crazy, we spoke at length about how HE would have to adjust to OUR schedule when he was home, and that the world would not stop nor start spinning whether he was walking in the door or out the door.

I agree. This is very important for my sanity.

 

Another question-is this job a promotion of sorts? What happens with people who don't vie for promotions? Has the company had lay offs the last few years? I might worry a little about making the company mad, if he turns it down (depending upon circumstances, of course)?

[TechWife]

My husband travels a lot and always has. It's just our reality. Most of the time he considers himself to be working his dream job, so we put up with a lot! Sometimes it's more stressful than others, depending on what is going on at home and at work. Here are some of my thoughts on the situation and some of the things we do that help:

 

DH traveling is normal, he is neither a.bad husband or parent because of it & I will not allow any other attitude to take root in my heart or that of my DS, nor will I allow any friend or acquaintance to say any such thing (this was an issue when we were younger, our friends were younger and we all had our own ideas of the "perfect marriage."). It rarely comes up now.

 

I miss him when he is gone. DS misses him when he is gone, that is perfectly normal, we acknowledge it when we need to and move on with life.

 

I am not a single parent. My husband is my partner in both life and parenting. I am not going it alone. As such, he is the head of our home, no matter where he physically is at the time.

 

We keep the same routines whether DH is at home or out of town. It lends a lot of stability and predictability to all of our lives.

 

I have the freedom and the accompanying responsibility to take care of things at home as they come, whether it be a discipline issue or a maintenance issue.

 

I have some help with routine household chores.

 

Changes in travel plans and flight delays are to be expected & are nothing to get my knickers in a twist over.

 

I know if I ever were to call my husband and tell him I needed him to come home from a trip, he would. Thankfully, I've never had to do that.

 

Skype and text messaging are wonderful things!

 

All other things being equal, if we had the choice, I'd rather him not travel. But, oh, well, it is what it is!

 

Let me know if ican answer any more specific questions.

[KRG]

4 hours is still half a day drive.  My husband's travel has slowed down but last year at this time he was gone 2-3 weeks every month and then on call once a week.  Extra $$ would be nice but I think having him home is so much better!!  It would be a very hard decision but I think I would have to lean towards 'no'.

[QueenCat]

4 hours is still half a day drive.  My husband's travel has slowed down but last year at this time he was gone 2-3 weeks every month and then on call once a week.  Extra $$ would be nice but I think having him home is so much better!!  It would be a very hard decision but I think I would have to lean towards 'no'.

 

ROFL.............. I guess that is subjective..... To me, a 12 hour drive is a full day. And if it's less than 14, we're doing it in a day. To me, a 4 hour drive is not on my radar as being close to a half day's drive. A 4 hour drive would get us somewhere in time for lunch.

[snickerplum]

ROFL.............. I guess that is subjective..... To me, a 12 hour drive is a full day. And if it's less than 14, we're doing it in a day. To me, a 4 hour drive is not on my radar as being close to a half day's drive. A 4 hour drive would get us somewhere in time for lunch.

Right now we live in a very small town. I drive 30 minutes to go grocery shopping. The nearest decent size shopping mall/Hobby Lobby/Sams club is an hour and a half away. My daughter's eye doctor is 2 hours away. To me, a 4 hour drive isn't a huge deal. Wouldn't want to do it every day, but a couple times a month doesn't scare me. Especially when it means the cavalry is coming. :)

[MooCow]

Dh and I agreed when we married, no traveling for him. The money wasn't worth it.

 

Now, when our did goes off to college, travel is back on the table, only youngest and I would come along.

[KRG]

ROFL.............. I guess that is subjective..... To me, a 12 hour drive is a full day. And if it's less than 14, we're doing it in a day. To me, a 4 hour drive is not on my radar as being close to a half day's drive. A 4 hour drive would get us somewhere in time for lunch.

 

I have a 3 year old that hates to travel and gets car sick easily so 4 hours is torture...but yeah in another scenario 4 hours is probably no big deal.

[QueenCat]

I have a 3 year old that hates to travel and gets car sick easily so 4 hours is torture...but yeah in another scenario 4 hours is probably no big deal.

 

I do understand.......... our youngest was a horrible travel, and got car sick almost every time we went more than a few hours. Unfortunately, our families have always been 12-20 hour drives, so we had to learn to deal with it at times (lots of large plastic bags came with us). We flew often too, but he got sick on planes too. Thankfully, that got better for ds as he got older.