Who do you think is right?

[HappyLady]

I asked my sister MONTHS ago if she could watch my 2 year old DS so my DH and I could take our 5 year old DD to see a show that's coming to town.  My sister is my only babysitter.  She said yes so we bought the tickets, which weren't cheap.  She and I were just talking in email about planning something else with our respective children and I reminded her about her watching my DS for the show that's in 2 weeks.  She THEN tells me she can't watch him because she has a wedding to go to.  WHAT?!  When was she planning on telling me this??

 

Needless to say, I'm a little ticked off because I'm sure she found out about the wedding after I asked her about babysitting.  I understand weddings are a once in a lifetime thing, but so is this show.  Yes, a wedding is more important, but to me, commitment is more important.  She made a commitment to me and if she needed to back out she could have at least told me a long time ago.

 

Now she's suggesting her 17 year old son watch my DS.  My nephew has never babysat in his life, refuses to change a diaper, and oh yeah, was doing drugs not too long ago.  Uh, no thank you.  And apparently my 13 year old niece is unavailable.

 

I'm asking around now for another babysitter, but I'm really upset by this.  How would you feel?  What would you have done if you were my sister?  Please be gentle in your responses as I'm upset right now.  :)

 

Oh, now she's telling me she could watch him part of the time, but then my nephew would have to watch him for about an hour after she leaves.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would feel upset too.  Do you go to a church where you might know of someone?  A book club? Ie. anywhere where you might know some people who might be able to help out or who you could call asking for a recommendation for someone reliable?  

[HappyLady]

I would feel upset too.  Do you go to a church where you might know of someone?  A book club? Ie. anywhere where you might know some people who might be able to help out or who you could call asking for a recommendation for someone reliable?  

 

No, but I wrote to 2 moms I know asking if they could do it.  The problem is my DS doesn't do well with strangers so I'm really not even going to be able to enjoy myself at the show wondering if he's ok, crying non-stop, etc.  With it being a Saturday in the summer and only 2 weeks away, chances are anyone I ask will be unavailable.  

[marbel]

I'd be really upset too!

 

I'd also be kicking myself for not reminding her occasionally about it, if we had made the arrangement months prior.   Is it possible she forgot?   And look at it this way:  at least she is asking about having her son babysit, rather than just having him say with your son after she left for the wedding. 

 

But, no matter, she is still wrong to break her commitment to you.   If it was me who had planned to babysit?  I"d call you as soon as I'd gotten the wedding invitation and asked if you could find someone else.  When you said no, you could not, I'd have declined the wedding invitation.  Of course?

 

Do you have a nanny agency in town? That's how we found our first babysitter for our kids when we moved to a new place.  It was expensive but turned out to be so worth it. 

 

ETA: I just saw your followup; sounds like a nanny from an agency might not work well for your son. 

 

Make it a girls' day out with your daughter?

[texasmama]

I would be very upset, as well.  This describes what my MIL did to us repeatedly, including once cancelling babysitting our infant the night before our 3 year old was scheduled for an MRI...so she could drive a friend to see the bereaved widow of her ex-husband.  Yeah, I don't follow it, either.  She is flaky in many other ways so we cut most ties with her awhile back, but yes, it is not okay to make a commitment to someone and then cancel when something else comes along.

[Dandelion]

I can understand why you're upset. 

 

She should have told you about the wedding as soon as she realized there was a conflict with the commitment she made to watch your DS.  As for whether she should decline the wedding invitation to keep her commitment to you, I don't think that's as clear cut.  IMO that depends on her relationship with the couple getting married.  If they are people she only knows very casually, then perhaps she should decline based on her prior commitment.  If they are people she's close to, the wedding would take precedent IMO.

 

I'm sorry you've been put in this position and that your sister didn't communicate better.  :grouphug:  I wouldn't leave your DS with your nephew under any circumstances. I hope you can find another sitter or solution.

[SKL]

I'd be upset too, because she should have told you right away so you could make alternate plans.  However, I don't blame her for putting a wedding first.

 

I would be reluctant about the 17yo also, because he has no experience and won't change a diaper.

 

I would see if there are some teen girls at church (or some other place you frequent), who would agree to team up, if you don't trust any of them alone.  Otherwise, is there any way you could bring the 2yo to the show with you and just step out if he creates a distraction?  If your 5yo is going, I assume it isn't very formal.

[Ravin]

I would be angry if I was in your shoes. I would also find another babysitter. I have 1 friend who babysits for me regularly, and another I could call on in a major emergency (I've also babysat for her, the main prohibitive factor is distance, she lives 25 mi. from me in the opposite direction from civilization) Nearby relatives are either too wrapped up/committed in their own lives and schedules.

[Plink]

In my world, no show is "once in a lifetime" unless my kids are in it, and there is only one performance.  Weddings trump entertainment.

 

BUT, she should have told you right away.  

 

Honestly, unless the kid is a complete dufus, I think they could handle babysitting for one hour.  I'd go and enjoy myself.

[HappyLady]

I don't know how to multi quote so, I've reminded her several times about it.  She's the type of person who needs constant reminding about things.  There's no way I could go through an agency as much as I know others have had success with it, especially since my DS is delayed (in speech, but we're trying to figure out if there's anything else).  I would want someone I know would have the patience to deal with my very difficult DS.  :)  And I know my sister is especially close to these people.  It's just that she wants to party.  She's always putting everyone else before me.  :(

[SKL]

If she's always acting like this, then stop relying on her for babysitting.

[HappyLady]

In my world, no show is "once in a lifetime" unless my kids are in it, and there is only one performance.  Weddings trump entertainment.

 

BUT, she should have told you right away.  

 

Honestly, unless the kid is a complete dufus, I think they could handle babysitting for one hour.  I'd go and enjoy myself.

 

 

My concern is the fact that he recently was doing drugs.  I don't know that he won't steal from us to support his habit, if he's still doing it, or worse yet, do it while he's at our home.  And he got caught because the drugs fell out of his pocket at home.  What if he has them in his pocket again and my DS ingests them??  I just can't trust him yet.

 

And this show costs me hundreds of dollars, it's not like I spent $20 on the tickets and we can go again another time.  :)

[bolt.]

I think she should have let you know as soon as the scheduling conflict became apparent to her -- as well as telling you what she had decided to do about the conflict.

 

If she decided to (with apologies and plenty if notice) cancel on you, that would have been a problem for you, but not nessisarily "wrong".

 

The truly frustrating part was that you had to bring it up, and it seems to have not even struck her as something important until you mentioned it. It sounds like she said yes to you, but it slipped her mind that there was any conflict at all. That's a mistake, but its one I've made before -- thankfully without catastrophe, but still the same 'innocent mistake' that made me look like a self-centred idiot, and other people had to deal with the results of my error.

 

I think you can forgive her the error (since its just a fact that people make errors like this) and focus on cobbling together a childcare solution. Your 2yo might have an unhappy hour with a less than ideal sitter if some kind (not the nephew, but perhaps someone else? Just for the hour?)... But, hey, this show sounds pretty important to you, so some down-side might need to be accepted.

[bolt.]

In the longer run does sound like you need to either accept:

 

A ) Good, familiar Auntie-sitter who is unreliable

 

Or

 

B ) Reliable, dependable non-family sitter who isn't familiar or especially skilled with your son.

 

If I were you, I'd rather have the best if both worlds too, but it doesn't sound like that option is on the table -- no matter his annoying it is, it just is the way it is.

[Dandelion]

Since you mentioned that your DS doesn't do well with strangers, and has some special needs, I'm wondering whether you can hire someone to watch him at the place where this event is taking place.  That way, his sitter could call/text you during the show if needed and you could just come out of the auditorium, help get him settled, and go back in.

 

Most of the show venues I've been to have a large area outside of the main auditorium, with seating and room to wander around.  Assuming the show is 1-2 hours long, a 2 year old could have fun walking (and possibly even running) around and looking at everything.  There might even be a nice grassy area outside where he could play.  If you supply the sitter with some toys, there should be enough to entertain him while you're enjoying the show.  With that set-up, you can rest assured that if there's a problem, you can be with him in 30 seconds. It would also cut down on the expense of hiring a sitter, as the sitter could just meet you there right before the start of the show and leave right after. 

 

Not ideal, but definitely workable. 

[Slipper]

If your child potentially has special needs, you might want to check with some of the organizations in your area, United Cerebral Palsy, Autism Society, Muscular Dystrophy Association, etc and ask them if they have babysitters they can recommend. Our local organizations keep lists of people that offer to babysit kids with special needs. They would at least be on the lookout for signs he was anxious and able to distract him. They typically cost more than regular babysitters.

[beaners]

I don't know how to multi quote so, I've reminded her several times about it.  She's the type of person who needs constant reminding about things.  There's no way I could go through an agency as much as I know others have had success with it, especially since my DS is delayed (in speech, but we're trying to figure out if there's anything else).  I would want someone I know would have the patience to deal with my very difficult DS.   :)  And I know my sister is especially close to these people.  It's just that she wants to party.  She's always putting everyone else before me.   :(

 

 

It sounds like you really don't want to consider a nanny service, but I'll say that the one we used was very willing to recommend people based on their experience with particular special needs.  My then-non-verbal 2 year old with other delays didn't phase either sitter they suggested, even when combined with the rest of my wild horde. One of them had worked in special ed preschool, and even though my son was ummm, terrified of new people, he was playing happily when we got home.

 

We have been away from family for the past 5 years.  In that time, my children have had babysitters for 3 births and for one afternoon while my husband and I went out.  I was hesitant to hire someone from a service, but the one we have worked with has had wonderful people. I get it if you really don't want a stranger watching your child.  I just wanted to point out that most services allow and want you to tell them about special needs because they want to match up the best person for the job, if you don't think an average baby sitter could handle the job.

[bettyandbob]

Your sister should have told you sooner. Maybe when she got the wedding invite. However, I do not believe she has a duty to babysit your ds. You need to find someone else. 

[Anne in CA]

There are wonderful babysitters who specialize in difficult kids, you just need to find one. I would start trying some out for a couple of hours or so now so that your ds would be ready later. My MIL worked as a social worker for many years and watches very difficult children no one else will watch as a ministry, although she is well paid to do it. The people are out there, and you need to be aggressive about finding them so that your sis can just be the fun aunt.

[marbel]

I didn't want to beat the dead horse of the hired nanny topic, but I'll agree with beaners.  The first nanny we hired was a social worker, working a 2nd job to pay for her kids' private school.  She worked with disabled/special needs kids.  It was weird at first, but my kids LOVED her and she babysat for us till we moved away.  Many of the other sitters at the agency were equally qualified.

 

Once she babysat at a hotel for us, when we had an early morning flight out after a concert. 

 

It can be expensive, but it sounds like you already made an investment in the tickets.  Seems like it's either that, or one parent stay home and the other take your daughter. 

 

Sorry.  It stinks, I know.

[zoobie]

She should have told you as soon as she received the invite. Her suggesting her 17 year old son with drug issues and zero child care experience kind of makes it seem as though she's not the best decision-maker either, so it's probably time to find a new child care provider.

 

Have you checked care.com? Lots of teachers (special ed too) look for extra hours. IME, there are some people who connect really well with kids and it doesn't matter that they're a "stranger." One of my friends' moms is a preschool teacher and I looked over at a birthday party to see my DS reaching up for her with a book. He'd never met her before and was NOT a fan of outsiders. Anyway, there are toddler whisperers around. I hope you find someone!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here are your options:

 

Ask a nanny service for someone who is specialized in special needs.  They go through a background check so even though your son can't communicate, there is some measure of security to this.

 

Have someone babysit at the venue like Dandelion suggested.

 

Take your son into the show with you.  Perhaps if you wear him in a sling or something he will sleep for part of it?  Take turns with your dh going out to the lobby with him.

 

Either you or your dh stay home with the 2 year old.  You will then only be out the price of one ticket.  (Or resell that one ticket.)

 

Try to resell all the tickets and get at least some of your money back.

 

I don't see having the nephew babysit as an option given all the information you've stated.  

[Rebel Yell]

Here are your options:

 

Ask a nanny service for someone who is specialized in special needs.  They go through a background check so even though your son can't communicate, there is some measure of security to this.

 

Have someone babysit at the venue like Dandelion suggested.

 

Take your son into the show with you.  Perhaps if you wear him in a sling or something he will sleep for part of it?  Take turns with your dh going out to the lobby with him.

 

Either you or your dh stay home with the 2 year old.  You will then only be out the price of one ticket.  (Or resell that one ticket.)

 

Try to resell all the tickets and get at least some of your money back.

 

I don't see having the nephew babysit as an option given all the information you've stated.  

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Trish]

I feel like from prior stories this is the Unreliable Sister, so doesn't surprise me at all. Any chance your kids want to go to a wedding?

 

Sorry, it stinks to have unreliable family members!

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

If she's always acting like this, then stop relying on her for babysitting.

:iagree:

 

I'm sorry she pulled a fast one on you. If she committed herself to babysitting your little one, she should have made good on the promise or offered to pay for the show tickets if you couldn't find another sitter. It's not fair that you should have to lose all that money because your sister flaked out on you. I know she offered her son's services as a sitter, but clearly he is not someone who should be babysitting your child.

 

I hate to say it, but I don't think you should count on your sister for anything that really matters to you. I'm sure she's a nice person and would take good care of your son, but she sounds unreliable about keeping her commitments.

 

I don't blame you for feeling angry and hurt. :grouphug:

 

Are you sure you can't just take your ds with you to the show and have him sit on your lap? It may not be an ideal situation, but at least you'd still get to go, and you wouldn't have to worry about leaving your ds with a stranger.

[HappyLady]

:iagree:

 

 

 

 

Are you sure you can't just take your ds with you to the show and have him sit on your lap? It may not be an ideal situation, but at least you'd still get to go, and you wouldn't have to worry about leaving your ds with a stranger.

 

Unfortunately, no.  It's an assigned seating situation so even if we bought him a ticket, it wouldn't be anywhere near us.  I don't think he's quite ready to sit by himself yet.   :lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unfortunately, no.  It's an assigned seating situation so even if we bought him a ticket, it wouldn't be anywhere near us.  I don't think he's quite ready to sit by himself yet.   :lol:

You can't sit a 2 year old on your lap?  Even the airlines allow you to do that without buying a ticket.  

[bettyandbob]

You can't sit a 2 year old on your lap?  Even the airlines allow you to do that without buying a ticket.  

 

The child must be under 2 on airlines.

 

I've noticed many entertainment venues do not allow lap children. I know at my local stage theater the amount of people permitted is set by the fire marshal. The fire department counts everyone, including 1 month old infants strapped to mamas in front carriers as a person so the rule is everyone, including very tiny infants must have a ticket to enter. I know the whole thing about the fire marshal because dd's dance studio rents the venue a couple times a year and people are always trying to sneak their children in to see when they are going to watch an older child perform. 

 

If the OP didn't buy a ticket for her 2yo to begin with, it might be because she wasn't sure how he'd behave. Unless they have aisle tickets and can guarantee a run for the exit it's a bit unfair to other patrons who also purchased expensive tickets. 

 

I understand the issue of not being able to leave a child. I have one child who was a real problem and couldn't be left with sitters. I have another child who will be with me the rest of his life and I've already wondered "how do you get a sitter for a 13 yo or 18 yo or 24 yo". dh and I really don't get out alone. When our older dc had special things to go to we only bought two tickets for one parent and one child. We knew there was no luxury of both parents going. 

 

OP, I think you need to contact a professional sitter service and tell them your ds has special needs and schedule the person they recommend. 

[SKL]

I've bought tickets for kids and then had them sit on my lap in a theatre.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good points, Betty.  If that is the case for the OP and her venue then she will just have to cross that option off her list.  I've worked as respite for families with special needs children and adults.  That might be another avenue for the OP - to look to see what is available for respite care.  

[KungFuPanda]

She should have told you sooner, but even if she had you would have the same problem to solve. A wedding is always going to be more important even if she got the invitation after committing to you. I'm sure you'd be LIVID if she missed your wedding because of a babysitting gig.

 

You need to train another sitter even if you have to pay a professional to come while you are home just to get to know her. Your relationship with your sister cannot be defined by how useful she is to you. Watching your son EVERY time you need a sitter should not be a sisterly expectation.

 

Is the venue situated so that you can get a nearby hotel room for your son and a sitter. This way if you're needed, your just a quick walk away?

 

Is it possible to find a teen girl to watch him in her home so she'd have her mother for back-up? Sometimes toddlers like teen girls even when they're leery of new adults.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:  Sorry about this, OP.  It sounds like a bummer no matter what.  I guess the bright side is that you have a couple week's notice.

 

For us, I know that what would have happened would have been for either DH or I to stay home with the 2yo while the other one went to the show.  Does your little DD have a friend who could come along and use the extra ticket?

 

I know that's not as nice as the three of you going and I understand the whole finding-a-babysitter problem for a non-verbal kiddo.  It's a tough place to be in!

[HappyLady]

Watching your son EVERY time you need a sitter should not be a sisterly expectation.

 

 

 

You're right, it shouldn't be, but when her kids were little I watched them 100x more than she watches my kids.  And it was always overnight so she could go out partying.  And I was very involved in their lives with taking them to school functions when my sister couldn't, paying for things for them when my sister couldn't afford it, etc.  Most of this was done when I was single, too.  So it was just me watching 2 or 3 kids at a time and paying for something for all of her kids, on my lowly income.  One time she was in a jam and needed me to watch her youngest, who was just a baby at the time.  I was already going to a wedding.  What did I do?  I took him to the wedding with me (with the bride's approval).  I gave up my good time to help my sister out.  I always have and she never puts me first.  That's why this stings just a little more than it probably should.  :(

[bolt.]

Sometimes it's sad to realize that other people aren't the kind of person that you are.

 

That doesn't mean it's bad for you to be the kind of person you are.

 

It also doesn't make them "bad" for being less sacrificial than you -- just being related to you doesn't call then to a higher standard than the general public. The world is not morally reciprocal. You can't make someone obligated to put you ahead of themself, just because you put them ahead of yourself. When you did that it was a free decision that you made for yourself, because you thought it was a good thing, and you wanted to do a good thing. You had no reason to expect anything in return. It wasn't a bargain. If it had been a bargain, it wouldn't have been a 'good thing' or sacrificial at all... not an act of service, just an exchange of services

 

So you can still feel good about treating your sister well, because you are that kind of a person.

 

And you can still be independent and competent, not relying on someone who isn't dependable, even though you wish they were, and you think they ought to be.

 

Plus, also, remember that when you watch children, you are serving the child -- as a person, as an individual, building one relationship with that child because you want a relationship with that child. Sure, it also grants some nice free time to a parent, but if it;s healthy, it's mostly about how you love the child and like to spend time with them.

 

Try not to keep score.

 

Also, try to only do the things you want to do, because you think they are good things -- not things you feel like you must do because you (maybe) feel obligated to meet expectations / people-please / always say yes / never disappoint or inconvenience others. Do things for your own reasons only... then it will hurt less if other people don't return the favour. Your favour will be OK to stand alone. It's more like 'giving money' than like 'lending money' (and keeping ledgers). It's freeing.

[Joker]

 I always have and she never puts me first. 

 

I think you've said this more than once. I just wanted to point out that I don't ever expect my siblings to put me first, especially now that they are older and have families and lives of their own. Are we there for each other? As much as we can be and definitely when it's something really important, but I wouldn't expect to be put first in most situations. I can't put them first in most situations either since I have my own family and life now.

 

I think she should have informed you as soon as she knew about the wedding but I don't necessarily think she should have turned down the wedding to babysit.

 

If I were you, either dh or I would take the other child to the show while the other stayed home with the youngest. We've had to do just that a time or two and it's always worked out well to have that time with each child separately. You can put a positive spin on it and only be out the cost of one ticket. You could even try to sell that one ticket or ask someone else to come along.

[marbel]

You're right, it shouldn't be, but when her kids were little I watched them 100x more than she watches my kids.  And it was always overnight so she could go out partying.  And I was very involved in their lives with taking them to school functions when my sister couldn't, paying for things for them when my sister couldn't afford it, etc.  Most of this was done when I was single, too.  So it was just me watching 2 or 3 kids at a time and paying for something for all of her kids, on my lowly income.  One time she was in a jam and needed me to watch her youngest, who was just a baby at the time.  I was already going to a wedding.  What did I do?  I took him to the wedding with me (with the bride's approval).  I gave up my good time to help my sister out.  I always have and she never puts me first.  That's why this stings just a little more than it probably should.   :(

 

I'm sorry.  It hurts when people don't live up to our expectations.  But honestly?  The things you did for your sister and her kids have nothing to do with what you should expect from her now.   You sound like a nice, caring person.  It's great that you helped her so much.  But  you will feel less hurt and resentful if you stop expecting her to be like you.  She doesn't owe you for the things you did. 

 

:grouphug:   I'm sorry you are hurt.

[MomatHWTK]

Sis did you wrong.  But understand that with a SN child that you are unwilling to trust with another sitter you have to take what you can get.  My mom is the only person other than DH that watches my kids.  If she isn't available, one of us stays home.  If you can find a way to work around being dependent on one person and get someone else in your life and trained, you should.  Having to work around everyone's various needs with limited help is just an added life stressor. 

[mamakelly]

That would totally hurt my feelings too :-( I'm sorry. Sounds like to you need to stop relying on her though and find someone else.