fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I have a social butterfly, extremely extroverted daughter. I try to work out every opportunity for her to be around friends and other people. I see this as a NEED for her, not a want. So when she gets done with her visits, she comes home and is completely horrible to everyone in the family. It's like she only has so much niceness and she's used it all up on her friends. Therefore, there's nothing left for her family. We've tried the "If you can't be nice when you come home, you can't go off with friends." She is then irritable because she needs to be around more people. I feel like I can't win. Anyone have any thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 How old is the dd? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Don't think that's it. She either goes to a friend's house or has a visitor 2-3 afternoons a week (2-3 hour visits). Occasionally a spend the night (which would be more understandable because of the lack of sleep) She attends church two services on Sundays and Youth Group on Wednesdays. We are pretty laid back about activities, and we don't go and do a ton of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 How old is the dd? 15 yo. She's always been a bit on the crabby side. It's just more exacerbated when she's spent time with people out of the house. (My dh and I privately compare her to Lucy from the Peanuts strip) One reason that we took the IPhone away was that she was crabby all the time since she could text her friends all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Lea Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Ya know, there's two kinds of extroverts. Some of us get our energy from being social, but some of us spend all our energy being social. Those of us who spend our energy being social NEED *time* right after a social event to "recharge". Sounds like your dd is in that camp. I am in that camp of extroverts. So are my sons. It can get ugly around here when we've *all* been to a social event and haven't had our recharge time yet. Also, like the other poster said, she might be doing too much social stuff. If she's doing too much it doesn't leave enough time to "recharge" between social events. And for me and my boys, a social 'event' can be as simple as hanging out for hours with just ONE friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Ya know, there's two kinds of extroverts. Some of us get our energy from being social, but some of us spend all our energy being social. Those of us who spend our energy being social NEED *time* right after a social event to "recharge". Sounds like your dd is in that camp. I am in that camp of extroverts. So are my sons. It can get ugly around here when we've *all* been to a social event and haven't had our recharge time yet. Also, like the other poster said, she might be doing too much social stuff. If she's doing too much it doesn't leave enough time to "recharge" between social events. And for me and my boys, a social 'event' can be as simple as hanging out for hours with just ONE friend. interesting... So I don't know how to rectify the situation. She refuses to see that there's a problem at all. When she's grouchy, it's always someone else's fault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 It sounds like she needs some time in her room by herself to recharge and get ready to rejoin the family. Not as a punishment but as a true need to regroup. My teen girl spends a lot of time in her room by herself, and I have always allowed/encouraged this because she seems to need that time alone. Because she is old enough to understand this (if not to arrive at this conclusion on her own), I would just suggest it proactively the next time she is getting ready to go to a social activity. My teen girl has been terribly moody for a long, long time. At almost 18, she is now beginning to even out a bit and become a more reasonable person to deal with. She is better with her siblings now, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Also, even though kids can be very social at this age and want the social contact, it can be stressful because of the age/stage/insecurities/their insecurities bumping against other people's insecurities. These outings may add more stress to her life than either of you realize. Kids this age are not generally terribly insightful, and they are not always open to parental insight. Sometimes an approach of telling a story of when you were that age and what helped you and how you felt is the best way to approach things. I have embellished my "youth stories" or geared them to fit my dd at times because it was the only way she could receive the information. You can also talk to her about "a friend you had" and give the information. Even if it is initially rejected, sometimes it is accepted in time or in part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Part of this, I think, is some of her discontent with her own life. We have a farm. Horses, four wheelers, 45 acres to hang out on....so we have our own little blessings. She loves our life here on the farm. She wants those blessings, plus all the fun things that her friends are involved in. She wants everything, but can't see that, if we lived their lives we could not farm. We couldn't be at 3 different classes and lessons during the week and 4 on weekends because of money and time. Not to mention that I wouldn't be doing social activities in the afternoons, because all of the driving and going would drain me. She has a great time with her friends and then comes back to "the real world" where we have chores and schoolwork to be done, and she can't stand it. She doesn't realize that yes, her friends have chores and schoolwork and boring annoying things to be done after she goes home too. She also is annoyed at the highly academic bent of our homeschool (she is extremely capable of the work. She often works below her abilities, so I am positive I am not pushing too hard. If anything, I am allowing her to under achieve) while her friends are less focused on academics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Does she go out of her way to spew her grumpiness? yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 We've tried the "If you can't be nice when you come home, you can't go off with friends." This. Be firm and consistent. Next time she is rotten cancel one of her outings. Let her tantrum in her room like a toddler. Eventually she will come around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 It sounds like she needs some time in her room by herself to recharge and get ready to rejoin the family. Not as a punishment but as a true need to regroup. My teen girl spends a lot of time in her room by herself, and I have always allowed/encouraged this because she seems to need that time alone. Because she is old enough to understand this (if not to arrive at this conclusion on her own), I would just suggest it proactively the next time she is getting ready to go to a social activity. My teen girl has been terribly moody for a long, long time. At almost 18, she is now beginning to even out a bit and become a more reasonable person to deal with. She is better with her siblings now, as well. I get this. But she claims that she's not doing anything wrong. That everyone else is the problem and it's not her fault. "Why should I be punished by being sent to my room when EVERYONE ELSE IS GRUMPY!" yeah....She has a massively hard time with self- awareness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinchick Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 My DD is younger than yours, so this may not apply, but like a PP mentioned the girl just needs her down-time. She can go and go and go and be "on" for people outside the house, but when she comes home, she crashes big time. I usually just leaver her alone. I've found that if she has an hour or so to just do her own thing (play, have a snack, listen to music, or whatever), she can regroup and become a pleasant, contributing member of our family. If I try to get on her case at all, it just escalates. But of course, none of this applies if the child is actively seeking others out to pick a fight. DD intuitively knows when she needs a break and separates on her own. If she were following me around the house crabbing, it would be a different story altogether. So I guess that probably wasn't helpful at all, but I got this far, so I'll hit post anyway :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 That is so tough fairfarmhand. It's the whole grass is greener thing though. I'm sure everyone at least has these thoughts from time to time. One fear I have about my kids making all sort of friends (not that I don't want them to have friends!) is the academic thing. We somehow end up in homeschool groups that aren't dominated by people who value academics to the same extent I do. So my kids see the kids who are free to roam and do what they want essentially and I make them do school work. I really hate that! yep. I don't feel that our homeschool is extremely rigorous. (average, I suppose) But I do demand routine and discipline. Many of these other families work all summer, but because of the farm, we don't. Dd doesn't get that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 You love her and want her happy all the time. It's hard isn't it? She's not learning how to live well in a family if you put up with her bad behavior toward the rest of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I get this. But she claims that she's not doing anything wrong. That everyone else is the problem and it's not her fault. "Why should I be punished by being sent to my room when EVERYONE ELSE IS GRUMPY!" yeah....She has a massively hard time with self- awareness. Not uncommon at all. This is when I reply, "We all have blind spots in our lives, behaviors that we are lacking awareness of. As someone who is outside of your brain, I am giving you the feedback that you act differently when you return from outings. I wonder if (list reasons you think this might be)." Empathize with not having an ideal life. Set the boundary that if she is ugly to you or sibs, you will need to take some action, whether that is limiting outings with friends or requiring some time in her room. Put it on her to correct, whether or not she thinks there is a problem is irrelevant. It is a problem for others. FWIW, this discussion would have gone badly with my dd at the age of your dd. I would have it anyway. I would likely have it with dh present so she understands that it is not just you who is concerned. Very few discussions I had with my teen dd went well for about four years. It was horrid. Now, I can have a discussion with her and it does not automatically go south immediately so I do feel your pain. Teens can "train" us not to confront them because it is so unpleasant. They become young in-home bullies and tyrants. Not a cool way for the rest of the family to live! That's all I have, OP. That and some hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 it sounds like she's overstimulated. kids who need a lot of stimulation can easily get overstimulated. start limiting the amount of time she can spend with others. (the goal is to keep her from getting overstimulated) It's not the time spent - it's the stimulation level. dudeling could be overstimulated in 45 minutes. 1dd could go for hours with no problem at all. after an hour, or two, does she start to become "intense", or more into her play? think of it like eating a wonderful buffet. the food is so good, you just keep eating long after you're full because the food is just soooo good. (and you're ignoring the message from your stomach) then when you finally pay attention . . . . you're sick to your stomach and in pain because you ate too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 The self-awareness thing is hard...but it is so important. If a person can't be honest about their own strengths and weaknesses, they will have a hard time with any relationships they have in the future. Just a random idea I was tempted to try with my own DD...what about recording her one of these times she comes home? Then try to be gentle about it like Texasmama said, about blind spots. Then say, look at this tape, and then think about if this is how you want to be, if this is how you want to present yourself to other people. Just an idea! (I took a pic once of DD when she was slouching...she finally realized how awful it looked!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Guess I'm the mean mom here but I would have a sit-down talk and put a halt to ALL outings and bring them back on a case-by-case basis until the behavior is under control. You are letting one kid control the whole family -- it's not fair to the family, or your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 When the self-awareness isn't there, it just... well... isn't there, and I'm not sure how you can make that happen for a kid. I'd like to think it's just an age-related, lack of maturity thing, and that the kids will outgrow it and develop a less self-centered outlook, but I know quite a few adults who seem to have somehow missed the whole "growing out of it" thing, and they still think everything is all about them, and they still blame the world for everything that goes wrong in their lives, so I don't really have any answers about this. But I will say that I don't think fairfarmhand's dd is particularly unusual, and I wouldn't be surprised if at least a few of her friends' moms have similar issues with their dds. Well, I'm no help. Carry on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 My very-social DD19 spent quite a bit of time in her room at that age. She was in public school then and so around people all day, but would come home and be nasty. Even in the summer when school was out, she would go hang with her friends and come home and be mean to everyone around her. Mandatory alone time - she shared a room with little sis, so I would keep the younger one occupied somewhere else. DD could come join the family when she was nice. If not - back she went. And no, she didn't get out of chores and yes, she blamed everything on the rest of us. I was the mean mom - she got one warning and then off to her room. It got better as she got older. There was a day when I saw a light bulb go off in her head that SHE was actually the one being mean to her sibs. But it took time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Eldest happily knows when he is being the grumpy one. I managed to help make the connection to him through many conversations about tone of voice, facial expressions, ... Now if he feels he is getting grumpy he goes up to his room to read, and gets to come out when he feels he is ready. In the past when I told him to go to this room he would have to first have a conversation wtih me about grumpiness before leaving his room. If he sends himself he gets to skip that conversation and come out whenever he wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Maybe she is an introvert and you're approaching this as if she is an extrovert. Introverts can like to be around people but find it draining. I don't know if it would help your situation but an excellent book about this topic is Quiet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I shared this with my teens and they wonder about her friends...what they talk about...if they've been changing etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 *So* listening here. My DD is almost 12 and wow, "having a massive lack of self awareness" and blaming everyone else for her troubles/grumpiness/meaness hits the nail right on the head. I've "liked" a lot of the posts here that have had a "toughness" to them, because these are things that we do. Rule number ONE: you must treat the ppl IN this house the same way you treat ppl OUTSIDE of this house. If not, you lose the privilege of spending time outside of this house. My DD seems to think certain things are her RIGHT; her father and I do not share that opinion. It's hard. Very hard. We've been battling this for about 2 years now. Sigh. ~coffee~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 My very-social DD19 spent quite a bit of time in her room at that age. She was in public school then and so around people all day, but would come home and be nasty. Even in the summer when school was out, she would go hang with her friends and come home and be mean to everyone around her. Mandatory alone time - she shared a room with little sis, so I would keep the younger one occupied somewhere else. DD could come join the family when she was nice. If not - back she went. And no, she didn't get out of chores and yes, she blamed everything on the rest of us. I was the mean mom - she got one warning and then off to her room. It got better as she got older. There was a day when I saw a light bulb go off in her head that SHE was actually the one being mean to her sibs. But it took time. thank you. This gives me hope. Seriously, everyone, thank you for all of your input. Sometimes it just helps to know that I am not alone in dealing with this garbage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 When my teens get grumpy and unfriendly, usually they need to eat. You know those Snickers commercials where the actor changes after he eats a Snickers bar? My kids are like that. So a little protein, a little sugar, and bam! No more cranky Danny Davito. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 Guess I'm the mean mom here but I would have a sit-down talk and put a halt to ALL outings and bring them back on a case-by-case basis until the behavior is under control. You are letting one kid control the whole family -- it's not fair to the family, or your daughter. I get this...I really do. But she doesn't see herself as grumpy or in the wrong at all. In her eyes, its unfair and we're picking on her. So if she's not at fault, (in her head, and she's punished, there;s still nothing to change) When the self-awareness isn't there, it just... well... isn't there, and I'm not sure how you can make that happen for a kid. I'd like to think it's just an age-related, lack of maturity thing, and that the kids will outgrow it and develop a less self-centered outlook, but I know quite a few adults who seem to have somehow missed the whole "growing out of it" thing, and they still think everything is all about them, and they still blame the world for everything that goes wrong in their lives, so I don't really have any answers about this. This is my worry. I really hope that she outgrows it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 When my kids get grumpy, I tell them to go outside and do something physical. Swim, walk, ride a bike, walk the dog: all are acceptable solutions. Generally by the time they're back home, their moods have improved. If not, back out they go. For awhile, it doesn't matter if your dd sees how grumpy she's being; sometimes people don't want to (or can't) acknowledge what others see. I would consistently send her to her room or outside for exercise or chores when she returns from visits with other people. If I think she's likely hungry, I would send her outside with a hard boiled egg or other protein. I would also continue discussing with her what the problem is when she's not grumpy. I've found if I try to discuss when they're grumpy or have a bad attitude, they argue with me. So I just tell them what they need to do, why they need to do it, and that I'll discuss it with them after they've had some time to think about how their actions are affecting the rest of the family and when they're not grumpy. I have needed to point out specific actions my dd has done or facial expressions she's used that indicate she's grumpy and needs to be by herself. Sometime I make the expression so she can see how funny it looks. (I do not make fun of her, but rather help her see how she comes across to other people.) A bit of humor allows us to share more deeply because it relieves some of the irritation/frustration/tension. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I see it as possibly a transition issue not a introvert/extrovert with a bit of 'grass is always greener' thrown in. When she comes back from fun at the friends or an activity....she has to come back to her real life. Nothing is new and exciting in her life. People are the same. The furniture is the same. Problems are the same. When she is away, she is able to step into a new world of people being a bit nicer (aren't we all a bit nicer when company is around the house?) things being new (her friends have different trinkets/clothes/furniture/activities), and different types of stimulation. When she comes home, she is coming down off of a stimulation 'high' so to speak. She needs help to transition back into her real world. Coming home, doesn't feel good and it doesn't hit the pleasure centers of the brain like hanging with a friend does. It is almost like she is detoxing from her friends, but in a medical way, not just social. Instead of making have a 'social time out' in her room, you may need to help her transition back to her live by making sure she is coming back to something pleasant. If she has a favorite activity at home, like riding horses or jumping on a trampoline, eating some favorite food, etc...you may have better luck than isolating her. For example, dd6 struggles with coming inside from playing with her friends at night. We have learned that if we have her save her dessert for this time of night, she transitions easier. Instead of having to leave the fun, stimulating world of outside....just to come inside to a family who is being mellow, hanging out watching TV (being boring--lol)....she now comes inside to a Popsicle. This allows her brain a chance to adjust to the new speed of being mellow and the lower lights of being indoors etc. (((Sorry, I need to leave right now but will try to come back to this topic later. ))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 I see it as possibly a transition issue not a introvert/extrovert with a bit of 'grass is always greener' thrown in. When she comes back from fun at the friends or an activity....she has to come back to her real life. Nothing is new and exciting in her life. People are the same. The furniture is the same. Problems are the same. When she is away, she is able to step into a new world of people being a bit nicer (aren't we all a bit nicer when company is around the house?) things being new (her friends have different trinkets/clothes/furniture/activities), and different types of stimulation. When she comes home, she is coming down off of a stimulation 'high' so to speak. She needs help to transition back into her real world. Coming home, doesn't feel good and it doesn't hit the pleasure centers of the brain like hanging with a friend does. It is almost like she is detoxing from her friends, but in a medical way, not just social. Instead of making have a 'social time out' in her room, you may need to help her transition back to her live by making sure she is coming back to something pleasant. If she has a favorite activity at home, like riding horses or jumping on a trampoline, eating some favorite food, etc...you may have better luck than isolating her. For example, dd6 struggles with coming inside from playing with her friends at night. We have learned that if we have her save her dessert for this time of night, she transitions easier. Instead of having to leave the fun, stimulating world of outside....just to come inside to a family who is being mellow, hanging out watching TV (being boring--lol)....she now comes inside to a Popsicle. This allows her brain a chance to adjust to the new speed of being mellow and the lower lights of being indoors etc. (((Sorry, I need to leave right now but will try to come back to this topic later. ))) Thank you so much. This IS indeed helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I haven't read the responses. But I don't think this is a "need." Obviously if it is negatively affecting her behavior, it can't be all that good for her. My dd is the same way. We have cut out a lot of peer contact and she does SO much better. Her first responsibility should be learning to be a decent person to the people primarily in her life- her parents and siblings. It's easy to be nice to friends, not so easy with family, but family is the best training ground for "Real life." Real life being a boss someday, coworkers, a spouse and kids they may not always get along with, etc. Friends are great and fun is good, but not if it comes at the expense of our primary responsibilities. Fun time is a privilege, not a right. And yes, my daughter acts "desperate" for peer time but the more she gets, the worse it is. When we focus on the family and cut out peer interactions, she does so much better and is calmer, able to entertain herself, sleeps better, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I have a social butterfly, extremely extroverted daughter. I try to work out every opportunity for her to be around friends and other people. I see this as a NEED for her, not a want. Dd12 was like this when she was younger. She still gets on very well with other people, and loves being with them, but spends more and more time in her own space. I am not sure wanting to be around other people is enough to say a child is an extrovert, kwim? It could still be exhausting to be around other people if it is being alone that centrers and grounds the child. Or maybe your dd is a true extrovert and it is just as simple as recognising that social interaction requires energy because she is still working on behavior at a subconscious level - applying all the rules of social behavior is hard work! Either way, I always 'counteract' social activity with alone time. For instance, an hour of TV or audiobook or a long bath after a play date but before dinner. I'd give time to regroup before entering into family interactions. Sometimes I play classical music and discourage talking if we've all been out and are too tired and cranky to want to work at getting along as a family. This trick works well at dinner time. Try whatever will give her breathing space before she reconnects to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 How much sleep does she get? I don't have teens yet, but in my inexperienced opinion, a lot of teen grumpiness is due to lack of sleep, lack of exercise, lack of fresh air, too much sugar and processed food, and not enough nutrient dense foods (protein, veggies, and omega 3 fats). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Also, could she be an outgoing introvert, rather than a true extrovert? The way many people define intro/extroversion is about how a person gains energy, not about how outgoing a person is. For example, I have an outgoing introvert and a reserved extrovert. My reserved extrovert: -loves to be around people -loves being a sidekick (glued to a parent or grandparent's side and working together) -wants to be on the go all day long -never, ever uttered the words "I want to go home" while out doing errands or shopping when he was little -takes a while to warm up to people and doesn't make friends easily -is happiest in groups of people (although he loves to read) and wilts if expected to get by without much parental attention My outgoing introvert: -is friendly and loved by almost everyone he meets -is known to say while shopping "I want to go home. Let's go check out." -plays by himself very well, for much longer than my oldest son did at the same age -does not need excessive attention - he likes parental attention, but not getting as much as he wants doesn't bring out the worst in him Now, if you just met my two boys, you'd probably think the older one was the introvert and the younger was the extrovert, but you'd be wrong. The reserved one recharges in groups and loves attention and the friendly one is quite content to play by himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 I think most teens lack self-awareness. Your pointing it (her behavior) out may seem like it's bouncing off a wall, but over time it will sink it (even if she won't admit it). I wonder if she is getting her self-esteem from her friends and outside activities, and that's where she feels "important." Then when she is home, she is just the same ol' gal, just one of the family. (I'm sure you don't treat her that way, but I know teens can interpret things very differently!) Hmmm... That is a tough one. I think it's good to consistently point out how she is treating others, as you of course want everyone in the family to treat each other respectfully. But if it's a self-esteem problem, she needs something to build her up, too. Can you explore something that she enjoys that you can help her excel at? Something that she can do on her own -- not with friends. Something that will occupy her time and make her feel special, outside of friendships? It won't happen overnight. But something like playing the guitar, painting, running, writing. Help her explore what it might be, and then find a way to help her get better at it. (A private teacher, a class, necessary materials.) Anyway, I have no idea if that's something that she's dealing with or if that would help, but maybe! It's a difficult age! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 15 yo. She's always been a bit on the crabby side. It's just more exacerbated when she's spent time with people out of the house. (My dh and I privately compare her to Lucy from the Peanuts strip) One reason that we took the IPhone away was that she was crabby all the time since she could text her friends all day. Calvin went through a year when he found his family so irritating he could barely speak to us. We insisted on basic courtesy (please, thank you, helping around the house, not being mean) but didn't expect anything else. It passed. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Ya know, there's two kinds of extroverts. Some of us get our energy from being social, but some of us spend all our energy being social. Those of us who spend our energy being social NEED *time* right after a social event to "recharge". Sounds like your dd is in that camp. ONE friend. Hmm...That sounds more like introverts who haven't acknowledged they are introverts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Also, could she be an outgoing introvert, rather than a true extrovert? The way many people define intro/extroversion is about how a person gains energy, not about how outgoing a person is. For example, I have an outgoing introvert and a reserved extrovert. My reserved extrovert: -loves to be around people -loves being a sidekick (glued to a parent or grandparent's side and working together) -wants to be on the go all day long -never, ever uttered the words "I want to go home" while out doing errands or shopping when he was little -takes a while to warm up to people and doesn't make friends easily -is happiest in groups of people (although he loves to read) and wilts if expected to get by without much parental attention My outgoing introvert: -is friendly and loved by almost everyone he meets -is known to say while shopping "I want to go home. Let's go check out." -plays by himself very well, for much longer than my oldest son did at the same age -does not need excessive attention - he likes parental attention, but not getting as much as he wants doesn't bring out the worst in him Now, if you just met my two boys, you'd probably think the older one was the introvert and the younger was the extrovert, but you'd be wrong. The reserved one recharges in groups and loves attention and the friendly one is quite content to play by himself. She's definitely a true extrovert, has been since she was tiny. Never played by herself, always wanted to be with people. You should see how she handles the long winter months when weather and illness limits our family's contact with other families. "You know dear, you had the flu 24 hours ago. We shouldn't be going to visit friends." But she will dig in and complain and argue about going. It drives me bonkers! I think most teens lack self-awareness. Your pointing it (her behavior) out may seem like it's bouncing off a wall, but over time it will sink it (even if she won't admit it). I wonder if she is getting her self-esteem from her friends and outside activities, and that's where she feels "important." Then when she is home, she is just the same ol' gal, just one of the family. (I'm sure you don't treat her that way, but I know teens can interpret things very differently!) Hmmm... That is a tough one. I think it's good to consistently point out how she is treating others, as you of course want everyone in the family to treat each other respectfully. But if it's a self-esteem problem, she needs something to build her up, too. Can you explore something that she enjoys that you can help her excel at? Something that she can do on her own -- not with friends. Something that will occupy her time and make her feel special, outside of friendships? It won't happen overnight. But something like playing the guitar, painting, running, writing. Help her explore what it might be, and then find a way to help her get better at it. (A private teacher, a class, necessary materials.) Anyway, I have no idea if that's something that she's dealing with or if that would help, but maybe! It's a difficult age! She's very good at horses and she is an excellent pianist. She's also had amazing success at 4H activities and contests. Finding things that she's excellent at is not hard because she's one of those annoying people who is just good at everything they try. (like my dh) I do think that the bolded might be at play. In her group of peers, she is a year older than them. She also is the "different" one, because of our rural lifestyle. So she gets lots of attention and affirmation for that. Here at home, we all know about chickens, horses, and country living. But I don't know what to do about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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