Is it ever appropriate to say, "I told you so?"

[Tranquility7]

(Maybe not in so many words?)

 

If so, what would make it okay versus not okay?

 

Or is it never ok no matter what the situation or relationship?

[J-rap]

No, only to think it. :)

[catz]

No, only to think it. :)

Lol - totally agree. The vast majority of the time you were going to say it, someone knew anyway. You're never going to get warm fuzziness from someone for saying this. That goes right along with unsolicited advice.

[Desert Strawberry]

Only to your children.

[*Lulu*]

Only in two circumstances:

 

To your husband with a wink and a pat on the tushie (Not too frequently though, and not if it follows a heated debate)

 

To your children (again, not too often and always light heartedly)

[Crimson Wife]

No, I don't think it's helpful, but it can be very difficult to resist the temptation to say it anyways.

[Word Nerd]

Only to your children.

This. Not necessarily those exact words, but I think it can be useful as a means of teaching kids about how their actions have consequences, many times that are foreseeable. Some kids get it right away and learn from their mistakes. Others need to be taught the lesson more directly and have it spelled out for them that B happened because of A, which Mom told them would happen if they had listened. Or something like that.

[Unicorn.]

Yes.  When you tell someone they will be great at something, and they don't believe you, and it turns out that they really did do a great job!  For example I got to say I told you so to my ds yesterday, when the AP scores came out.  He swore he would do terrible, and he rocked the test! 

 

Another example- friend had job interview, wasn't feeling too confident, I told her she'd do great, and be perfect for the job.  I got to say I told you so when she got the job!

 

So, yes, as long as it's positive. 

[Desert Strawberry]

My 7yo has no forethought whatsoever, by his own admission. He thinks it's magical that I can predict the future (eyeroll) .

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have said to my kids "What did you expect"?  when they have done something and gotten what a reasonable person could predict as the usual consequence.  For instance, if they stack cups up a foot high and the cups come crashing down, I think it is reasonable to ask them what they thought would happen in that scenario.  I'm not sure sure if that counts as an "I told you so" though because I don't always tell them what I think will happen before hand but let them find it out firsthand.  

[Ellie]

(Maybe not in so many words?)

 

If so, what would make it okay versus not okay?

 

Or is it never ok no matter what the situation or relationship?

Yes. It doesn't always make the other person happy, but sometimes yes, you have to say it, or the perpetrator may do it again, KWIM?

 

I don't know what the rule might be, though. I said it to a woman who, with me, was in a leadership position of a group, and her well-intentioned wrong choice did affect the group. I had told her when we were discussing the event that I thought it was a bad idea but she did it anyway. She earned my "I told you so." It did not make her love me, lol, but it needed to be said.

 

So, yes, sometimes. You should save it for very special occasions, though.

[Laura Corin]

If talking to a child, where a lesson can actually be learned by elaborating on the experience, then I think it's okay.  I can't think of a situation where it's appropriate when speaking to an adult - perhaps in a really good relationship and in a light-hearted way.

 

L

[tex-mex]

I'm not sure what the point of it would be.  I don't like to rub people's noses into their mistakes. 

 

This.

 

As the years go on, I realize how easily I could have said, "I told you so." for many, many errors my hubby, family and friends have walked through.  Never saw the point of going over it with them as why would they want to have me rub their nose into their foolishness or folly??  What kind of a spouse, parent or friend would I be to do that... it would be cruel.  I have learned to keep my mouth shut with other people's choices in life.  If they open up and ask for my opinion, then I politely tell them what I think.  But often times, people really don't want your advice or opinion. :lol:

 

[catz]

Only to your children.

I think there are times in parenting when it's ok. Like when your 6 year old refuses to get a coat, and the mom says "I won't make you wear a coat, but it's 25 outside and you're going to get cold". Then later when kid is complaining, mom reminds kid "I warned you that you would be cold". Repeat ad nauseum until something clicks. :D

 

Other than that stage of parenting, I don't see much point. Like once kids are out on their own, making their own decisions, and are self supporting, definitely not. There's a delicate balance there for a number of years when kids aren't quite launched but working on it.

[tex-mex]

I think there are times in parenting when it's ok. Like when your 6 year old refuses to get a coat, and the mom says "I won't make you wear a coat, but it's 25 outside and you're going to get cold". Then later when kid is complaining, mom reminds kid "I warned you that you would be cold". Repeat ad nauseum until something clicks. :D

 

Other than that stage of parenting, I don't see much point. Like once kids are out on their own, making their own decisions, and are self supporting, definitely not. There's a delicate balance there for a number of years when kids aren't quite launched but working on it.

 

:iagree:

 

Only in that situation, I call that a Natural or Logical consequence to the choices or behavior.  Natural consequence would be getting wet after refusing to carry an umbrella.  Logical consequence would be taking away the iPad or video game console after breaking a serious rule in the house.  There is a delicate balance in doing this as a parent without always crowing, "I told you so.".  But repeating ad nauseum (being consistent) until something clicks is the hard part.

 

[gardenmom5]

not really, and especially not for something serious. (if it's pretty minor, you might be able to razz them a bit.)

 

 it is also ever so much more satisfying to not say anything - and have the person you told over and over tell you "you can say I told you so".   I said nothing.  it didn't stop the disaster I foresaw from happening.  (and actually, the disaster was bigger than I expected, but could have been completely averted had she just not done the one thing I kept telling her not to do.)  It wouldn't have stopped the terrible feelings and damage that followed - and I was just sad that she went ahead anyway.   and yes, she knew it was foolish, but was in denial.  denial is not a river in Egypt.

[zoobie]

I do to my husband. "And what have we learned? Say it with me now. The wife is always right!" Of course I also say that when whatever I suggested has become a colossal failure. ;)

 

With the kids, yes, in logical/natural consequences fashion.

[poppy]

"I was right and you were wrong". It is bucking yourself up against someone who is down. Pretty repulsive behavior.

[Rebel Yell]

i don't think it;s always wrong to say "I told you so."  But I'm pretty sure it almost always needs to be phrased differently- with young children, maybe more like "I'm sorry it turned out that way. I suspected it might. I hope next time you'll let me help you/listen to my advice/etc."

 

Just be very very careful and be sure that it will be taken as "I care about you, and want the nest for you, and I'll be here to help you out next time" rather than "Haha!  I win- you were an idiot."

 

KWIM?

[Melissa in Australia]

I would have said no never, just think it but I didn't think of the positive example mentioned above. Then it is appropriate.

[catz]

Ooops - dp?

[OrganicAnn]

I agree with PP, but another example might be when 2 people are both commenting on the 3rd person or situation removed from the two people.

 

So Person A says "I think Univ of X will win the competition" and Person B says "I think Univ of Y will win the competition"   (and neither one is too vested in the competition)  When Univ of X wins, then person A might say "I told you so". 

[LucyStoner]

Only in jest and humor to someone who shares your sense of humor about something that is not serious.  So for me, that is limited to my husband in a lighthearted manner.  Never about something contentious but we don't really have anything contentious in our relationship.  

 

  

[Desert Strawberry]

Yes. It doesn't always make the other person happy, but sometimes yes, you have to say it, or the perpetrator may do it again, KWIM?

 

I don't know what the rule might be, though. I said it to a woman who, with me, was in a leadership position of a group, and her well-intentioned wrong choice did affect the group. I had told her when we were discussing the event that I thought it was a bad idea but she did it anyway. She earned my "I told you so." It did not make her love me, lol, but it needed to be said.

 

So, yes, sometimes. You should save it for very special occasions, though.

I'm not sure this is helpful or needs to be said. I mean, I'm sure she noticed that she was wrong. If she didn't acknowledge that you were right on her own, I can't see how telling her so would help. And really, what is she going to say to herself in the future," Ellie has better judgement than me, I'd better do what she says, and not what I think is right"? I doubt that. 

 

You stated that she doesn't love you. I'd bet that also means she doesn't respect your opinion or care to here it, let alone follow it. I told you so doesn't show people the error of their ways. It shows them the error of ours. 

 

I do think that sometimes it helps to point out the consequences of one's actions. I have a certain family member who caused SO many of her own problems, then came to me for help. I always ask her how she expected it to play out, and how that differs from the actual results. The answer is usually, "I didn't think of it." Well, then. there ya go. 

 

We're older and I don't get many of those calls anymore. Maybe she's thinking things through. Maybe she knows I won't cry with her. Either way, my life is more peaceful :)

[Guest inoubliable]

Eh. I like to remind my DH that as soon as he realizes that I'm always right, life will forever go much smoother for him. He always replies that he likes the excitement instead.

[Lilaclady]

My dd and Dh were just talking about this about an hour ago regarding my younger dd. she was doing cartwheels off the bed and I told her to stop so as not to hurt herself. I don't generally say it but have sometimes after I have repeatedly told them what the consequences of their actions will be. I don't say it to an adult though as I would not like it said to me.

[Dahliarw]

When your dh insists over and over during trip planning that it will not be "too hot" in Tokyo in September, despite all the research you've done that says it'll be really hot and that October is better. When you get there and it is in fact 98 degrees with 85% humidity and he is moaning and complaining about how it is too hot, then it is ok to say to him.

 

In most other circumstances, no.

[Garga]

So what if you know someone who is self admittedly clumsy and walks around the house super fast in the dark? And what if you suggest, "you might want to wear slippers so you don't break your toe." And what if he doesn't listen to you and breaks his toe.

 

And then, breaks it a second time.

 

And then a third.

 

And he's 45 years old and really old enough to learn from his mistakes, but he still won't wear slippers!

 

Am I allowed to say, "Dude! I told you to wear slippers three breaks ago,"?

 

Because I think I sort of did say that. And it sorta felt good to say it. :)

[myfunnybunch]

Sadly, no. Not really. Not even if you say, "I don't mean to say 'I told you so,' but...." before saying "I told you so."

 

But it can be SO satisfying when it slips out anyway, can't it?

 

Cat

 

[duckens]

In politics.

 

When the choices of one party's instituted policies affect the country as a whole in a negative manner and in the exact same manner that the opposing party said would happen for years if said policies were enacted.

 

ETA: History repeats itself.  Most of this stuff is not hard to figure out with a little data and a little history.