what do you think of this - an ex still coming to family functions

[HappyLady]

I'll apologize ahead of time because I think this might get lengthy. :) My DH's family has never had an issue with anyone's ex (besides a spouse, also a boyfriend/girlfriend) still being a part of their family. I don't mean as in they're still cordial to them if they see out in public, but as in they're all still invited to family events. Plus, they talk about all these ex's as if the "current" person wants to hear about them. I know this because I went through it when I started dating my DH. :glare:

 

Anyway, my DH's brother married for the first time in his early 50s back in 2010. By the end of 2012 his wife had left him. During their marriage, they tried desperately to have children (his wife was in her early 40s, never married, and never had kids) and they were pregnant twice, but lost the babies very early in the pregnancies. After the divorce (which was the fastest divorce I have ever known - 3 weeks) my BIL changed. He went from the life of the party and Mr. Outgoing to he never leaves his house (he's retired), barely talking to the family, not coming around for the holidays, etc. Of course we all expected him to be sad and such, but it has now been over 6 months since his ex left him. Whenever anyone in the family would invite him somewhere he'd just go on about how they didn't understand how upset he was to lose two kids and his marriage. He's just now starting to live again, slowly, but it's happening.

 

Well, my ex-SIL out of the blue, wrote me a PM on Facebook last night. I hadn't heard from her since the divorce. We chatted back and forth and she told me she was going to be attending a family wedding (my DH's/BIL's family) in a couple months. I was shocked because I couldn't understand why the family (this would be DH's/BIL's cousins) would invite her knowing how the divorce affected my BIL and why she'd even come. Then she told me she was also going to be bringing a date. She isn't dating anyone, but she said one of her guy friends would take her. She said as long as she didn't flaunt it in front of my BIL she didn't see anything wrong with it and she doesn't care what he thinks anymore anyways.

 

I told my DH all this and he's livid. He sees the pain his brother is going through because of the divorce and for his cousins to invite our ex-SIL is just appalling to him and quite frankly, I'm a little ticked, too. My DH is going to tell his brother that she's going to be there so he isn't blindsided by this.

 

What do you think of all this? Is this normal for families to keep an ex a part of their family, especially when there's no children or really any kind of bond between anyone? Is it wrong to invite this woman knowing how hurt my BIL will be seeing her at this wedding? Shouldn't they "choose" my BIL over her to keep in their lives (BIL is very close to all the family)? Does any of this make any sense to anyone?

[Tess in the Burbs]

Well my stepdad spends every Christmas with his exwife's sister. They all know the exwife is looney lol. I thought it odd at first, but they were family for a long time.

 

So if they don't mind don't worry about it.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it depends. Most of the time exes have remained involved in my family when there are kids involved that they don't want to isolate...or when parties are trying to reconcile.

 

Never has any ex been invited to anything in my family and showed up with a date.

 

Maybe the person doing the inviting was particularly friendly with the ex? That is the only thing I can think of.

[Orthodox6]

I know several instances where an "ex" remains on friendly, even close, terms with the former family. These scenarios of which I am knowledgeable, however, do not at all resemble what you describe. Not one bit. I do not know how to process how or why the woman was invited, or why she wishes to attend, given the history you have outlined.

[marbel]

I think it's a bit odd but there are lots of family relationships out there in the world that I don't understand. People can invite whomever they want to their events. Maybe they remained closer to her than they did to your husband's brother. I think it's nice of your husband to warn his brother that his ex-wife will be there, but that's about all you can do. Your BIL can choose not to go. I get why it bothers you but there's nothing to be done about it. I wouldn't get into whether it's right or wrong, or if they should choose your BIL over his wife; there's no point to it except maybe to make you more upset about it.

[elegantlion]

I'm not against exs at family functions. I do find it odd that someone in the family for that short amount of time would be still included. I also think there should be some wisdom about a cooling off period after the divorce and some tact about the family members feelings and especially about bringing a date. Bringing a date to wedding like that is flaunting it, sorry. She doesn't have to say a word for it to feel really awkward for BIL.

[bolt.]

I think that people often welcome a spouse-of-family into *real* relationship with them, a relationship that doesn't depend on the marriage itself, but on how 'Person A' (say a mom in law) feels about 'Person B' (say a daughter in law). These relationships are legitimate, and often continue after a divorce... even a divorce that is painful for one or both parties. It's sort of an 'adoption' situation, and as such it is enduring and real. It's not unusual, particularly with female-female bonds (daughters in law, and sisters in law). So, yes, it's normal for some people to keep an ex as part of the family, even if there aren't any children involved to 'force' them to do so.

 

However, there is a place for tact and sensitivity when divorce makes everything complex. When things are fresh, I think it would be wise for 'emotionally bonded' not-in-law-any-more relationships to be kept a little bit apart from extended family gatherings... but at a certain point a person has a right to say, "Just because your ex-wife became my daughter/sister and friend because of you, doesn't mean that you divorcing her forces me to 'divorce' her. You might have residual feelings, but I expect you to learn coping skills, because it's me who decides who I invite to my social gatherings."

 

(Unless the situation is one where there was mistreatment involved, which would need to be faced as to why one would be 'friends' with someone who mistreated a family member... but that doesn't sound like the case here. At first blush, this sounds like a case of simply divorce-over-grief due to the pregnancy losses, with a bit of difficulty adjusting from long term singleness thrown in just to make it all the more painful.)

 

So, there's a continuum. People shouldn't have to "choose" sides if they have a real relationship with both people -- being 'still sad' over a divorce (which is indeed a tragic event) might not be a card your BIL gets to play forever, even though he is "actually family". For a while, it is probably good and right to shelter him from having to encounter her... but perhaps not forever. With tact and sensitivity, it should be OK to manage situations that involve them both... but blind-siding him with an ex and her date at a family function... maybe not for the best.

[LaxMom]

I know several instances where an "ex" remains on friendly, even close, terms with the former family. These scenarios of which I am knowledgeable, however, do not at all resemble what you describe. Not one bit. I do not know how to process how or why the woman was invited, or why she wishes to attend, given the history you have outlined.

Uh, yeah.

 

We've had a similar (on the face of it) situation, but the couple who divorced remained friends, and the ex stopped coming to family functions with the family member she had been married to started dating someone else (whole he later married).

 

What you're describing is... Painful. How very klassy of her to not give a rat's arse whether she causes him pain within his own family safe zone. Good riddance, if he can ever fully scrape her off.

[Dandelion]

I do know of instances where an ex remained close to the family and continued to attend family functions, but I agree that it doesn't seem right in this situation. The situations I'm aware of involve long-term marriages (20+ years) and kids. Your BIL was only married for two years and there are no kids. And ex-SIL wants to attend the wedding with a "guy friend"? Sorry, but it does sound like she just wants to twist the knife a bit more in your BIL's heart. Klassy is right. :thumbdown:

[JustEm]

If I were your DH I would be pissed at my cousins. And if my brother was upset about it to the point of deciding not to go to that wedding I would stand by him and make a point not to attend it either just to show my support for that decision. And to hopefully show the rest of my family what a heartless thing they have done.

 

In a situation where there is a split and no kids are involved I would think the family would consult the family member because inviting their ex. Especially if they are still hurting so badly from it.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I personally find that completely shocking and very sad to do that to BIL.

 

Dh's family is a little bit different. He has an older sister who was adopted by his parents when she was 16 and he was 4. She ended up marrying a guy who knew dh's family before she did. Long story short, a few years ago BIL had congestive heart failure, needed surgery, lost his job, and they had to move in with dh's parents/SIL's adopted parents. A few years of living there she left him and the family and moved in with her biological mother (who was the reason she needed to be taken in by the Warde family years ago, but....yeah.) They're legally divorced now with SIL barely talking to any of them and ex-BIL is still living with her adopted parents. (Honestly, I'm glad we ended up with him and not her, but that's a different story.)

 

So, yeah, sometimes it happens, but I think the circumstances need to be kind of convoluted for it to happen, and that doesn't sound like your situation. :grouphug: s to your BIL, is there any chance of talking to the cousin-bride about it?

[Butter]

We have some exes still friendly and at family functions in my family (one there are no kids involved). But, in all cases the two that were married are still good friends. I can't figure out why the cousins invited her in this situation, unless they were friends before or became close and have continued to be (in which case inviting the ex is quite appropriate).

[Guest]

I think it totally depends on the situation. In this one, I think it is extremely crappy of them to invite her. But this is coming from someone whose ex MIL and FIL came to my wedding to my second husband. They disapproved of how their son treated me and were happy to see me marry dh.

[redsquirrel]

I find that people are friends with exs and families all the time. I have a couple friends who have gone through a 'friendly divorce' and remain very close to their ex-in laws. That is mostly because children are in the picture. In some cases they seem almost still married only in separate houses.

 

I had a very good friend who was very close to her ex-husbands family. She called them her 'outlaws'. In fact, I think she saw them more than he ever did. Could be why they stayed close to his ex-wife.

 

My DH has a cousin whose wife was (ahem) not a family favorite. The cousin had his own troubles, which ended in his coming out and the end of his marriage. Fine. The one comment that I heard was that now he was divorced we at least we wouldn't have to deal with Her. Well, nope. Years later and she is still coming to family gatherings. If their daughter attends (daughter is out of college, so an adult) then the mom comes along too. Great.

[Halftime Hope]

My MIL and FIL were separated at the end of their lives but they both attended family functions with the children and grandchildren. They both exhibited a good deal of grace about the situation, but it was very painful for the one who was left. <P> Now after 30 years of marriage, BIL and SIL have divorced, coming up on one year, and they both come to family functions because we love them both, and they both love the family. They do both have to suck it up and deal, since they have to be cordial and see each other. I think BIL has a lady friend, but I have a hunch he was seeing this person before the divorce was final. He has the decency not to bring her to functions, at least yet, and not to post about her on FB.

[KungFuPanda]

I think that if you bring someone into the family you have to expect them to form relationships with family members. Kids or not, those relationships don't just disappear if a marriage fails. The wedding is about the bride and groom. She may have crossed the line bringing a date given BIL's extensive mourning period, but she has as much right to be there as any other friend of the couple.

[Crimson Wife]

I've seen exes who separated by mutual agreement and who maintain an amicable relationship continue to attend family functions. It always strikes me as a bit odd, but if the ex-couple is fine with it, then whatever floats their boat.

 

In the situation described by the OP, I don't think it's appropriate. The BIL does not sound like he is over the divorce yet and therefore I don't think the ex should've been invited.

[Anne in CA]

I have to say that this particular case sounds dysfunctional. He has been TELLING them that he is hurting more than they know and they still invited her??? For a man to say how much he is hurting is unusual, and should be listened to. They are elevating their own family culture of acceptance over his mental health IMO.

[myfunnybunch]

It really depends on the family dynamics and how the relationship ended. I thought it was weird that my ex's SIL invited all three of her "dads" (1 bio, two step) to their family functions, and they'd all sit around and drink together. Then my ex and I split. I was invited to some of their family functions, including my ex's wedding reception years later. (I didn't go to that. It felt odd to me.) BUT we split amicably, I truly consider his wife a dear friend, and we have a daughter together. It would be weird of them to invite me and for me to go if the relationship had ended badly and/or we did not have a daughter who enjoys having all of her family in one place. In your family's case...weird. Unless the cousin developed a deep friendship with the ex-SIL independent of the family relationship.

[QueenCat]

I think that the family member who was married to the ex should be considered first and foremost. In this situation, I would not invite the ex.

[annandatje]

It would be considered normal in my extended family's culture.

 

However, there would be deference given to the hurting b-i-l if he expressed discomfort with her potential presence. By this, I mean that the family members hosting the wedding would discreetly ask him how he felt about them inviting the ex-wife and an escort.

 

As for the other family members, they should not have a say in who is invited or not. If they are uncomfortable with ex sil being there, I suppose they could decline and tell host family why they declined.

 

Generally speaking, I think it is wonderful that family members can maintain friendship bonds with exes, whether there are children involved or not.

[Word Nerd]

I think it's weird for them to have invited her and even more bizarre that she's planning to go. There isn't much you can do about it now except support your BIL and maybe help shield him from her at the event. If you are close enough to ex-SiL, you might tell her that you find her plans to attend hurtful and inappropriate. That might be considered butting in on someone else's business, but not any more than what she's planning to do.

[Word Nerd]

She may have crossed the line bringing a date given BIL's extensive mourning period, but she has as much right to be there as any other friend of the couple.

 

 

She may have the right to attend, but that doesn't make it right for her to go.

[KungFuPanda]

 

 

She may have the right to attend, but that doesn't make it right for her to go.

 

It doesn't make it wrong for her to go.

[Melissa in Australia]

odd to me, but my family can be very clannish.

[Laurie4b]

I find that odd.

 

I would probably have told her what I thought via PM in terms of her ex very depressed and that I thought it would make it even worse if she brought someone. But that's me. I don't think I could just say nothing.