How do I handle my family? (etiquette question)

[Slipper]

I am mortified. Two of my girls had a piano recital tonight. This is their first year of piano, so I wanted tonight to go perfectly. I invited my Dad and step-mother (but none of the other relatives). My pastor and his family (including very young children) sat in the row behind us.

 

It was a small group as the piano instructor holds several recitals to keep the length to only an hour per recital. My girls were called first and all went well. After the next person played, my step-mother started asking my Dad questions about whether his camera was working. My Dad (who wears hearing aids) told her it was, but somehow they ended up in a furious (whispered) argument. At one point my step-mother was telling my Dad he better quit talking to her in that tone of voice or she would take a frying pan to his head when they got home. I finally leaned over and told them to hush. They settled down, but then became concerned about giving the girls a little gift they had bought. I told them to please wait until the recital was over. Then they decided they couldn't stay until the end and left. A few seconds later, I heard someone calling my name and it was my step-mother calling me from the hallway so she could give me their gifts. (She wanted me to call them into the hallway, but I wouldn't do it - I felt awkward enough walking out while someone was performing).

 

They were the only ones talking throughout the performance, the only ones who whispered and shuffled around, the only ones to leave early. I was embarrassed and my daughter literally slid a few chairs down. Even the smallest kids in the room knew how to behave. The whole performance lasted 50 minutes.

 

Am I crazy to expect my family to sit still and behave for less than an hour? Is there any nice way to tell them to please behave at future performances (the girls are very active so there are usually other recitals to attend and they do this at all of them). I feel awful that we probably made some of the kids distracted. My other family members aren't better. My Mother and step-dad always show up late and leave early, usually waving and saying good-bye (they think it's cute if they speak up and interrupt thing). My in-laws have better manners, but a long way to travel. And sometimes their manners are incredibly bad.

[Hoggirl]

I am so sorry. I have no words of advice. I can only offer sympathy. It's pure selfishness. They can't stand for attention to be directed anywhere other than on them. They think the rules don't apply to them. It's incredibly immature. My father-in-law is the exact same way. It's maddening.

 

Is it possible simply to not invite them again?

 

ETA: Oh, yeah. And passive-aggressive and controlling. Hugs to you.

[OrganicAnn]

Don't invite them. Give them their own personal concert. Just for them. At home or at their home. The alternative is to have a big talk with them about proper behavior and it probably won't help.

[Harriet Vane]

Ugh. How awful.

 

You have two choices. You can address it, but be prepared for a fight. In that case, keep your words simple and repetitive., "It was unbelievably rude for you to talk during another child's performance, to leave, and to expect me to interrupt another child's performance by leaving. I was embarrassed. In future you should sit quietly until the end." Then, don't get into some endless debate. Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

OR the other perspective is to say there is no way to address this after the fact. It will only result in an icky fight. Save this argument for the next recital, when you tell them firmly that they will sit in the back and keep their mouths shut.

 

You might also send an email to the instructor apologizing for the rudeness. It's not your fault, but it will help both you and the instructor feel better about the whole thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Mandylubug]

Don't invite them, video it with your phone or camera and let them watch at home. Or let your girls perform just for them.

[AdventureMoms]

I wouldn't invite them. If you want your girls to have someone there, invite some friends or neighbors who can behave like adults for an hour. Or my 5yo, who I'm sure could do better than that....

 

Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[8circles]

Oh, that sounds painful! Could they be suffering from some dementia?

[Lilaclady]

I think it might be better not to invite them for quiet performances like this. They might do better at a game or sport thing if your kids do those.

[Lisbeth]

Don't invite them, video it with your phone or camera and let them watch at home. Or let your girls perform just for them.

This. The other kids trying to perform and other families should take priority over rude adults. Ugh, how awkward. So sorry!

[SKL]

Yeah, I wouldn't invite them for quiet stuff, or if I did, I'd tell them in advance that it's a quiet event. I'd talk about taking care of everything that needed said/done beforehand since no talking, in & out, etc. would be wanted during. You know, because the people nearby might be videotaping and we wouldn't want to mess up some kid's videotaped performance. I wouldn't say anything until right before the next event, since there's no point making someone feel bad in the interim. ... I don't think I've ever invited my parents to a performance of my kids. Am I weird? I don't think they want to be invited, so I don't want them to feel pressured.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

You must have been absolutely mortified -- I'm so sorry you had to deal with such rudeness!

 

Do your dds really want them at their recitals, or would they be happier if you didn't invite them and showed them a video of the performance afterward? As long as you didn't tell them about it beforehand, you could make a big deal out of it later, saying how happy you were that you could videotape the event, because the venue was so tiny that there was only enough room for the kids' parents to attend. (You know, because if there had been more tickets available, you certainly would have invited them... :rolleyes:)

[Ellie]

Ugh. How awful.

 

You have two choices. You can address it, but be prepared for a fight. In that case, keep your words simple and repetitive., "It was unbelievably rude for you to talk during another child's performance, to leave, and to expect me to interrupt another child's performance by leaving. I was embarrassed. In future you should sit quietly until the end." Then, don't get into some endless debate. Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

OR the other perspective is to say there is no way to address this after the fact. It will only result in an icky fight. Save this argument for the next recital, when you tell them firmly that they will sit in the back and keep their mouths shut.

 

You might also send an email to the instructor apologizing for the rudeness. It's not your fault, but it will help both you and the instructor feel better about the whole thing.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[zoobie]

Consider them developmentally unable to handle such an event and don't invite them. Video it with your phone or camera and email it if they ask about the next one.

[*Lulu*]

Since I am guessing a electric shock is out, (well you DID ask how to deal with them), I think you have to decide:

 

 

1- is this behavior so ingrained you have no reasonable expectation of change and

 

2- would they be receptive to a tutorial in proper performance protocol?

 

If the answer is not no and yes respectively, I would follow the advice to not invite them again but create a special time for sharing either a live personal performance or video of the big event.

[Slipper]

Thanks for the sympathy. My daughters take piano from a homeschool student, we were actually piggy-backing on another music teacher's recital. (The music teacher is really sweet and had worked hard to help me find a music teacher.) I should see her tomorrow or the next day and I'll apologize.

 

My girls usually like for the grandparents to show up, but lately they've been annoyed at the behaviors. My Dad and step-mom ask us to save seats, then show up late (and complain about no parking and the lights already being dimmed) and then they talk and make comments about things and people. My daughter was embarrassed today and asked me not to invite them to future events.

 

My Mother and step-dad always try to attend one game/play/recital, etc. They always show up late and stay for 15 minutes. If my Dad is there, my Mom argues with him. She once showed up to a soccer game wearing a hat similar to something seen at the Kentucky Derby. She will cheer for only my child, not the other teammates even if my daughter is sitting out at the moment. It's rather awful.

 

My FIL and his wife behaved so badly the last time we saw them that my youngest daughter is afraid of them. They yell and accuse DH and I of preventing them from seeing the kids.

 

My MIL and her husband are better. She's sober now which makes her a bit easier to take places. Unfortunately all the drinking has wrecked her health and her husband has dementia. If they drive to town, they are typically okay to take anywhere unless step-fil happens to "pat" the backside of somebody or they become sick.

 

I think I'll skip inviting them and save all the cd's/dvd's and make a big movie basket for each of the grandparents complete with photographs and popcorn. It can be part of their Christmas gift.

 

I think if I tried to talk to them about it they would think I was snotty and b!tchy.

 

My pastor's three year old son didn't utter a peep during the whole performance. I could tell the whole family was trying hard not to look at us. I appreciate their discretion and kindness but I'm squirming inside.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

Under the circumstances, and since none of the parents seem to have a clue, ITA about not inviting them. And if they complain, then you have my permission to tell them why you don't. I'm not even checking Miss Manners on this, lol.

[violamama]

I run recitals like these. At the beginning, I sometimes lay out the rules "to help train up future audience members". In reality, it is for the adults. We don't often review the rules aloud since we've had people in our academy for 5 years now.

 

Honestly, this stuff does happen. It's more common than you might think- you should hear us teachers kvetch when we get together. It takes a while to cultivate an educated audience.

 

Other tips in case you ever have to ask them again-

Tell them the rules and explain that you're really hoping to help the girls learn them. So adults shouldn't bend them at all, because "Gee, little Kate just really notices what adults do no matter how much we explain that you DO know the expectations".

 

Also, sit in the back row. Tell them it distracts your daughters if they catch sight of their favorite relatives.

 

Pass off any early-leaving frustrations on the teacher. Tell them (if you invite them again) that she does not allow people to leave early, but you understand if they will have to miss rather than hang out the whole time. Ditto the gifts being saved to the end, as "other children might feel jealous and that darned teacher wants the focus on the performances".

 

Condolences, but try not to take it too hard.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I wouldn't invite them again. Video it or have them give a private performance at home.

 

And if it's any tiny consolation, you weren't the only one embarrassed by family at a piano recital this week ;)

[GeorgiaGirl160]

My grandmother acted like this. My father insisted she be at every single special day or ceremony I ever had, and it was *always* *all* about her, and by extension him.

 

In my experience, adults who act like this never change. Having once been in the position your daughters are now, please consider not inviting your parents if their behavior is this bad. I doubt it will do any good to talk to them. In my own case, it has been about as useful as talking to a brick.

 

I'm glad I have a wonderful husband and kids to enjoy. Enjoy your well behaved daughters and stop inviting your parents. It sounds like everyone will thank you for it.

 

GA Girl

[JNW]

Your daughter said she doesn't want them in attendance in the future. There's your answer. How embarrassing for all of you! I like the idea of the private concert just for them. They are obviously 100% self-absorbed and clueless.

[jen3kids]

I gave up taking my mil to church when she visits. She rustled through her giant purse, huffed and sighed, wanted to leave early and 'whispered' to the kids during the Sermon. She only goes to church because it 'looks good' and she likes to hear others rave about the kids.

 

I cannot remember which incident was the last straw, but I did call her out on it and told her how rude she was, which was very uncharacteristic of me. She tried to laugh it off, but I wouldn't back down. Thankfully dh backed me up (and he doesn't even go to church - he simply told her how inappropriate she was being).

 

So, I'd just not invite your family anymore. What they don't know won't hurt them.

[PrincessMommy]

I with the don't invite camp. I wouldn't confront them. They're adults... they should know how to behave. Unless there's some dementia going on ,it's not your responsibility to parent your parents.

 

Let the girls give them a mini recital at home.

[Tammyla]

I think your DVD gift idea is probably the best option.

[Susann]

I agree w/the not inviting camp. This is about your children and making it an enjoyable occasion for them to show off their hard work. May i also add not to worry about what your pastor thought. I'm sure he's seen it all with families and was sending prayers your way!