Public Meltdown & Narrow Mindedness

[Ecclecticmum]

I am so completely livid right now.

 

Chaos had a meltdown of MAMMOTH proportions. After everything calmed down, I figured out the trigger, and it was my fault, not his. Anyway..

 

I was in the local variety store that I am not fond of visiting (the shopkeeper there is rather dour and rude) to pick up a tote for my math stuff. DS ended up having a really, really big meltdown. Complete with screaming, kicking and was basically losing the plot. When he gets into that mode, he is STRONG. Like I think he could possibly lift a car (well not that strong, but ends up about twice as strong as me) So I had to catch him, and somehow lift him up when he had gone all rigid, and as carefully as I could (he was at that point where hurting himself either by accident or deliberately was a great risk) quickly got him through the aisle and out the door (whilst DH took care of purchasing the stuff).

 

Once I got him out of "ground zero" he calmed a bit and I held him in a strong hug till DH & the other two kids came out, then proceeded to pick him up at a weird angle (he was still tense & resisting) got him down the street, hurt my ankle a bit when he wiggled/tensed whilst I was on the edge of the pavement, and got him into the car, where both DH & I had to hold him firmly, whilst we got him in his seat. As soon as the seatbelt was on, he calmed more and finally broke a smile when I gave him my sunglasses.

 

So all in all, I was thrilled with the fact everything got handled quite efficiently, he didn't get hurt, and that I found the trigger and realized what set it off (its been ages since he had a meltdown in public, and about a year since he's had one anywhere that was that big). I realized he didn't have his "fiddle" and his "hug" (he always needs two things when we go out, something to have in his hand, to fiddle with, and something that makes him "secure" like sunglasses or a soft teddy or big jumper etc) I could of smacked my head realizing I had somehow forgot those things today (it becomes an auto thing for him to grab them, so I haven't had to concentrate really on making sure he has them). So overall I was completely happy.

 

:rant:

 

What I was not happy about was the comments. Really rude comments. I had to listen to two different people on my way out who said stuff that made me almost lose my cool. But I just managed to keep my temper in check, and concentrate on Chaos, and making sure he was okay.

 

When we got back to the car, I found out other than the two people I had to ignore, the shopkeeper was discussing Chaos to another customer in front (and apparently saying some things that DH didn't even want to repeat to me) then when DH was being rung up, the shopkeeper said "he's your boy isn't he?" DH nodded, and she replied with (in, apparently, what was a really snide voice, and DH does not usually pick up that sort of thing from others which means she must of been radiating it) "Normal people do something about that, don't you know?" :cursing: I was > < this close to going back there, and giving her a piece of my mind.

 

Why is it people just think that your being a bad parent? That they automatically assume everything is fine and that your child is just a brat? My two other children were standing there acting a good as gold. I am just so sick of people who have nothing nice to say and know NOTHING about our situation, opening their mouths and letting stuff fly out of it that have no business being said at all.

 

It makes me go through a rainbow of emotions, none of them nice, to have to "overhear" (not that these people are whispering, more like practically shouting it) what they have decided & judged from a two second glimpse into our life. Not to mention the fact my son may overhear those comments! I'm needing to beg for patience & understanding right now, because I lost it all, dealing with those people :sneaky2:

 

Never, EVER going to that shop again either :mad:

 

:sad: I'm a mess right now, I keep hovering in between anger & crying. :crying:

 

Thanks for "listening".

[PachiSusan]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. Any "normal" person would have realized it was much more than simply a tantrum and know to keep their trap shut. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

People just don't think before they speak anymore.

[violamama]

Wow, what a grouch. Sounds like you had some victories even within a discouraging situation, though. Try not to let the ignorant get you down.

[jenbrdsly]

:(

 

 

You know what I would do? I'd write a letter to the editor of your local paper. Go ahead and name the store.

[ondreeuh]

I have been there. For a while I would actually say, "I'm sorry, he has special needs" when my middle child acted up. We didn't know what was going on with him (autism, PDD, or just ADHD and language delay) but I didn't want the judgment from people expecting "normal" behavior from him. My youngest has his difficulties and it hurts tremendously when people think I am just doing a poor job of parenting. I cried a bunch yesterday because the preschool sub shamed him in front of the other parents. I just wanted to tell everyone am doing my best.

 

It will get better ... And maybe consider playing the SN card if you feel it is appropriate.

[kiwik]

Poor you. If a child is behaving like that there is usually a very good reason. Strangely enough i have usually got positive comments for firmly removing my child due to his behavoir. You must have just happened to be there when a convention of unpleasant people were visiting.

 

 

[Lizzie in Ma]

I'm so sorry. It's hard enough having a child with special needs, people don't need to be judgy. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Giraffe]

Not that I ever remember things like this when it's happening, but you could say something along the lines of "We'll, that was helpful. Thank you for such a positive and encouraging comment."

 

She won't even know what hit her.

[Plink]

Aww. You deserved compassion, not judgement. I am so sorry that people aren't always nice.

[fourisenough]

I witnessed a similar situation in a restaurant recently. Not having a special needs child of my own (or really knowing anything much about it), I approached the mom and asked, "What can I do to help you?" (She had a younger child with her and a table full of food that she had just purchased, but hadn't begun eating). She just gave me a huge smile in response to my question. Now, I realize she was expecting me to say something rude when I approached! In the end, I helped her package up her food for carry-out and held the door as she exited. Poor thing. Poor you. Don't people realize life is hard enough without bystanders heaping on extra helpings of guilt and shame? If, as a witness to a meltdown, you feel compelled to say something, how about offering words of support or assistance, not criticism. What have we become as a society?

[Eagle]

*hugs* I'm sorry those mean people left their manners at home.

 

[Ravin]

Last time my DD had a public meltdown (we were at a bus stop, it was hot, and she was, as usual, tired and something random and stupid triggered her), I responded the way I'm supposed to (by staying calm and not throwing fuel on it with attention). It was nowhere on the scale of your DS's tantrum, but she's 9 years old so it's decidedly out of the range of "normal" behavior. There was a woman who gave me a couple of glares, but kept her trap shut.

 

If I saw a toddler/parent in your situation, I would not automatically jump to "bad parent." When I was a cashier I saved THAT reasoning for the parents who 1. let their kids run through the store or handle and knock everything off the shelves with no effort to put it back or get the kid to, or 2. hit their kids or call them mean names in public. Seriously, the only comment I'd ever give a parent dealing with something like that would be, "wow, you have your hands full with that one, huh?" I might've commented to the dad on how fast the tantrum was handled "Yeah, sometimes retreat is the best option, huh?" A parent trying to handle a child reacting that way alone I'd probably offer to hold the merchandise for if they needed to take the child out of the store to deal with it.

 

You did exactly what you needed to do, so don't let ignorant blockheads get to you. I say that, but I'd probably be responding just like you are now.

It sounds like the store is a small owner-operated one. If it isn't and that shopkeeper is someone's employee, I'd complain to his boss. If it is, I'd consider lodging a complaint for lousy customer service with the Better Business Bureau.

[GailV]

I'm so sorry you went through this. :grouphug: Kudos for being able to continue focussing on your child and doing what needed to be done. Too bad those people apparently were at the receiving end of some poor parenting.

 

(ETA that I realize that the rudeness people exhibit isn't necessarily the fault of their parents -- I was just playing around with the idea of poor parenting.)

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: Sooo sorry you had to go through that and deal with such rude and judgemental people. :( We dealt with this OFTEN with my now 11yo who has undiagnosed special needs (I don't consider Mood Disorder NOS a real diagnosis). I am usually too angry to speak up but my husband will often look those rude people dead on and say something like "If you are not offering to assist in this situation and are content judging from a distance, I suggest you move on. Now. My son and my family are not a side show. By the way...don't forget your jaw...you left it on the floor. Good day". He's a lot braver than I am. :)

[Alessandra]

I witnessed a similar situation in a restaurant recently. Not having a special needs child of my own (or really knowing anything much about it), I approached the mom and asked, "What can I do to help you?" (She had a younger child with her and a table full of food that she had just purchased, but hadn't begun eating). She just gave me a huge smile in response to my question. Now, I realize she was expecting me to say something rude when I approached! In the end, I helped her package up her food for carry-out and held the door as she exited. Poor thing. Poor you. Don't people realize life is hard enough without bystanders heaping on extra helpings of guilt and shame? If, as a witness to a meltdown, you feel compelled to say something, how about offering words of support or assistance, not criticism. What have we become as a society?

 

 

You are wonderful!

[AmyontheFarm]

I had business card made up at one point that basically informed the idiot uneducated person that my son's behaviour was due to his special needs, whereas their behaviour was because they were idiots uneducated about people with special needs.

[Alessandra]

I am so sorry this happened to you. The 'normal people...' comment is just sickening.

 

I don't know (or need to know) your son's diagnosis, but I have friends who like to wear their Autism Speaks t-shirts -- occasionally one of those knucklehead 'normal' people gets a clue.

 

Sorry for sounding mean, but I am angry on your behalf.

 

There has to be some way (besides t shirts) to educate people. I can't imagine someone looking at a kid in a wheelchair and saying that the parent didn't do a good job of teaching dc to walk. How is it that people can be so ignorant about less obvious disabilities?

[8filltheheart]

I'm sorry that those adults made the comments they did to your dh, but as the parent of a sn adult that can still have meltdowns of gargantuan proportions in public, I have learned that they are just not worth the energy of even thinking about. My own extended family has made far more cruel comments ("leave him with me for a few weeks and we would take care of that" or "there isn't anything wrong with him; you just don't know how to parent teenagers." This last one is humorous b/c it was made when our oldest was 17 and an exemplary young man.....don't know how we managed for him to be such a great teenager without the issues our sn ds exhibited at then14 almost 15. It was also made within days of him being misdiagnosed as bipolar and I was not coping well with that diagnosis. Fwiw, ds is high functioning autistic/Asperger's with lots of comorbid issues)

 

I didn't speak to my sister for 4 yrs after some of the comments she made (some much worse than those made above and one of the posted comments was actually made by own parents) and I regret letting her ignorance leaving me stewing. It wasn't a positive healthy reaction for me or my children who missed their cousins. People that don't know what it is like to deal with these behaviors, just don't understand. You have enough to deal with. I really encourage you to refuse to get sucked into emotional negativity from strangers bc the main person it is really hurting is you. It is draining and your family needs the energy far more than ignorant individuals. I have tried to turn my normal inclinations of getting upset into positive ones by offering prayers for them to learn compassion instead. I am much more content and have greater inner peace when I forgive their ignorance and pray for them vs. getting upset.

 

One of my other sisters always says to me "what goes around, comes around." She is so right. I watch my other sister's life, and what she is dealing with now in adult children is far worse than our issues with a disabled adult. So, hold your head high, do what you need to do, and let the ignorance of others roll off of you. Don't let it pierce your peace......guard your peace bc the people surrounding you need it. ((( hugs)))

[MooCow]

I witnessed a similar situation in a restaurant recently. Not having a special needs child of my own (or really knowing anything much about it), I approached the mom and asked, "What can I do to help you?" (She had a younger child with her and a table full of food that she had just purchased, but hadn't begun eating). She just gave me a huge smile in response to my question. Now, I realize she was expecting me to say something rude when I approached! In the end, I helped her package up her food for carry-out and held the door as she exited. Poor thing. Poor you. Don't people realize life is hard enough without bystanders heaping on extra helpings of guilt and shame? If, as a witness to a meltdown, you feel compelled to say something, how about offering words of support or assistance, not criticism. What have we become as a society?

 

this. I have learned that all it takes is one person to be kind in a difficult situation.

By actively being helpful to another person who needs it while others sit on

their bottom-dollar and just watch and judge, it usually has a positive effect

and shames the onlookers into helping, or at least shutting up.

[clemota]

What self-involved jerks. From what you described, it sounds like you handled the issue very well! You removed him from the situation, prevented him from hurting himself and/or others/things, managed to keep your focus on him and not the buttinskies who were commenting on it, and BEST OF ALL, figured out what triggered the whole thing. Bravo!!!! You deserve a standing ovation!!!! :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

 

Write a letter to the store- maybe the owner/ manager is a different person than the shopkeeper. Let them know what happened, how they have now lost your business, and how you will continue to tell your story to others so that they can avoid the store as well. And yeah, if you're up for it, write a letter to your local paper as well.

 

It's so sad when people automatically assume bad parenting is the cause of a child "acting up." Ignore them. They are uneducated, and probably either have no children, or had incredibly boring ones or never took an interest in them at all. What you've described is awesome parenting. Seriously.

[pdalley]

Oh Grrrr!

 

I would want to say to that woman, 'No, normal people either offer to help out or they shut up. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.'

 

:grouphug:

 

Been there, done that. Have the huge 16 almost 17 year old that seldom meltdowns down anymore but when he does it's a doozy.

[Ameena]

*hugs* You handled it far better than I would have.

 

DD6 had a big one a while back at the local bus transit center - she refused to get on the bus & I had to pick her up and carry her on so we didn't miss our bus. One "helpful" lady threatened dd with calling the police on her :( which only made things worse as dd is terrified of law enforcement / ems. I just said thank you, but I've got it.

[SarahW]

I'm sorry that those adults made the comments they did to your dh, but as the parent of a sn adult that can still have meltdowns of gargantuan proportions in public, I have learned that they are just not worth the energy of even thinking about. My own extended family has made far more cruel comments ("leave him with me for a few weeks and we would take care of that" or "there isn't anything wrong with him; you just don't know how to parent teenagers." This last one is humorous b/c it was made when our oldest was 17 and an exemplary young man.....don't know how we managed for him to be such a great teenager without the issues our sn ds exhibited at then14 almost 15. It was also made within days of him being misdiagnosed as bipolar and I was not coping well with that diagnosis. Fwiw, ds is high functioning autistic/Asperger's with lots of comorbid issues)

 

I didn't speak to my sister for 4 yrs after some of the comments she made (some much worse than those made above and one of the posted comments was actually made by own parents) and I regret letting her ignorance leaving me stewing. It wasn't a positive healthy reaction for me or my children who missed their cousins. People that don't know what it is like to deal with these behaviors, just don't understand. You have enough to deal with. I really encourage you to refuse to get sucked into emotional negativity from strangers bc the main person it is really hurting is you. It is draining and your family needs the energy far more than ignorant individuals. I have tried to turn my normal inclinations of getting upset into positive ones by offering prayers for them to learn compassion instead. I am much more content and have greater inner peace when I forgive their ignorance and pray for them vs. getting upset.

 

One of my other sisters always says to me "what goes around, comes around." She is so right. I watch my other sister's life, and what she is dealing with now in adult children is far worse than our issues with a disabled adult. So, hold your head high, do what you need to do, and let the ignorance of others roll off of you. Don't let it pierce your peace......guard your peace bc the people surrounding you need it. ((( hugs)))

 

:iagree:

 

I had the misfortune of being around some incredibly mismannered people growing up. The sort who, if they saw the OP's situation, would have snickered and said "turn that rotten kid over your knee and just beat 'im." Yeah, there's no good way to respond to that other than :huh: . They are only saying that because they themselves have emotional issues and have no ability to emphasize with others, much less small children. I've just had to come to realize that what they say does not matter. At all. It's hard to let it roll off, I know, but you have to, because what they said doesn't matter, so don't let it matter to you.

 

And this has nothing to do with your kids SN, or you forgetting his coping mechanisms. These people just judge to make themselves feel better.

[Plink]

I witnessed a similar situation in a restaurant recently. Not having a special needs child of my own (or really knowing anything much about it), I approached the mom and asked, "What can I do to help you?" (She had a younger child with her and a table full of food that she had just purchased, but hadn't begun eating). She just gave me a huge smile in response to my question. Now, I realize she was expecting me to say something rude when I approached! In the end, I helped her package up her food for carry-out and held the door as she exited. Poor thing. Poor you. Don't people realize life is hard enough without bystanders heaping on extra helpings of guilt and shame? If, as a witness to a meltdown, you feel compelled to say something, how about offering words of support or assistance, not criticism. What have we become as a society?

 

 

You have no idea what a blessing you were to that mom.

 

I once had an elderly gentleman walk up to me when I was waiting out a fit of epic proportions in the center courtyard of the mall and trying very hard not to cry out of my own embarrassment. He leaned over and gently whispered "you're a good mom," and then walked away. I still hold onto that moment. I am a good mom. My kids actions are not necessarily reflective of my parenting. I am a good mom.

 

Ecclecticmum, you are a good mom too.

[dmmm]

:grouphug:

 

You should find an article about people who judge parents of kids with special needs, print it, and hand it to him.

[MommaOfalotta]

I'm sorry! You poor thing. I would have had a hard time not going back and saying something. If there is a next time you definitely should. Watch them try to remove their foot from their mouth! Not okay... jerks.

[Ecclecticmum]

Thanks Everyone.

 

After sleeping on it, I've managed to calm down a bit.

 

I honestly don't think I should have to turn around and tell people why he's reacting the way he is, they *should* (but obviously don't) just be able to mind their business enough to be polite and keep their mouth closed. IMO, its a family matter, not something I should have to splash about (plus the fact he could hear, and end up using it as an excuse other times). I may eventually have to end up resorting to that (obviously, is he had broken something in the store, I would of come back after he was settled, explained, and paid for the broken item.)

 

The local news is, unfortunately, not an option (although I may have nice dreams thinking of that, lol). Its a small closely-knitted community, if you shun one of the operators, everyone else will shun you....which would make going to get bread & milk a drama. The only available option is just not to visit there, DH told me the hardware shop down the road from it apparently has storage stuff, so I won't really be missing out on anything (and if I want $2 shop type places, we'll just have to travel half an hour in either direction of our house.) The local town is more convenience than anything else (we also need the vet place there as well, taking the animals on a hour round trip, plus waiting room is doable, but really, practically impossible in Summer).

 

Either my powers of observation are off the chart, or the people yesterday had thick skulls. It was obvious it wasn't a simple tantrum (my 4yo has chucked some doozy tantrums, and they look nothing like that, nor would I have approached the situation in the same way). My 7yo has chucked some dramatized tanty's too.

 

Little kids have no shields between them and the world, like adults do. His was too much sensory input (overload) and not having his items to hide behind. I tend to not have a shield (or armour) either. I can logically look back at situation, or look at situation from afar, but if I am in amidst it, I feel everything way too much.

 

Sue G - I LOVE what your husband would of said. If my hubby said that, I probably would of fallen on the floor laughing. He has a british accent, and combined with that "speech" he would of sounded quite...snobbish, lol. I often find new catchphrases/sentences I beg him to say, the latest obviously being my signature, which set me off into hysterical giggles. I think I may use your speech in my head, just imagine my husband saying it, and I think I shall be able to walk out of there with a smile on my face.

 

I'm going to go find hubby and show him that speech. I know its not taken in the way you meant it, but its sincerely cheered me up.....I wonder if I can get him to say it? (perhaps with "I've arrived" as the greeting/beginning) :laugh:

 

:grouphug: Thank you to all who replied, it's so nice to be able to come to a place that no only automatically understands what I went through, but offers suggestions, and ways to look at it from a different POV. Thank you.

[kdownie]

:grouphug: No answer but hugs to you! People say stupid things, put their noses where they don't belong. Hold your head up and know you are doing an amazing job! They have no idea.