Marriage fail poll

[Melissa in Australia]

I didn't vote.

I personally don't know anyone who's marriage ended over an affair. I don't know many people. :coolgleamA:

[Scarlett]

So if my poll is anywhere near accurate (and it may not be since I think I did not do a good job setting it up) 40% of you are saying that 91-100 % of relationships that you know began in adultery lasted longer than 2 years.

 

That is significant to me. And I think it strongly disputes the claim that such relationships have a 95% fail rate.

 

Very interesting.

[Jennifer3141]

 

How is the assertion that if a person commits adultery they are guilty of adultery and their spouse is innocent of adultery (unless they too committed adultery)...how is that a specious argument?

 

 

Because I doubt many affairs occur in a vacuum. Wasn't it Paul Newman who said he never cheated on his wife because why would he go out for hamburger when he had steak at home? Personally, I accept that some marriages are hamburger. My first marriage was hamburger. I got the heck out. I now have a steak marriage. I accept that some people have different circumstances than I had. I had no kids with my ex and parents DYING for me to come home. My ex smacked me ONCE and I knew that was wrong and that I was done. A woman raised in a culture of violence without an education might have made a different choice.

 

I don't know anyone who has ever cheated in a good, strong marriage. I know weak marriages where the affair provided a safe out.

 

Maybe you were a perfect spouse. I don't know! But I doubt it because I haven't met many perfect people in life so far.

[Jennifer3141]

I didn't vote.

I personally don't know anyone who's marriage ended over an affair. I don't know many people. :coolgleamA:

 

And it's so sunny down there and you all seem so cheerful with your, "G'day mates!" and universal healthcare - why would anyone is Australia be unhappy enough to cheat??? :D

[lea_lpz]

I know of two and they did not divorce after the affair but instead went to counseling.

[delaney]

I only know of 2 off hand that had affairs and both ended within 2 years.

[Scarlett]

 

 

Because I doubt many affairs occur in a vacuum. Wasn't it Paul Newman who said he never cheated on his wife because why would he go out for hamburger when he had steak at home? Personally, I accept that some marriages are hamburger. My first marriage was hamburger. I got the heck out. I now have a steak marriage. I accept that some people have different circumstances than I had. I had no kids with my ex and parents DYING for me to come home. My ex smacked me ONCE and I knew that was wrong and that I was done. A woman raised in a culture of violence without an education might have made a different choice.

 

I don't know anyone who has ever cheated in a good, strong marriage. I know weak marriages where the affair provided a safe out.

 

Maybe you were a perfect spouse. I don't know! But I doubt it because I haven't met many perfect people in life so far.

 

Of course I wasn't a perfect spouse! Were you in your first marriage? Are you in this one? I still am not a perfect wife and I never will be. But I am innocent of committing adultery. And my XH is guilty of adultery.

 

And btw, HE was not a perfect husband AT ALL. And yet oddly enough it didn't cause me to run out and commit adultery....do you not think I longed for a man to be kind to me and to love me? Of course I did! But I didn't commit adultery. HE did.

[Jennifer3141]

And for a lot of people, there are worse things than infidelity. I get that it's your issue. You've written about it quite a bit here. I don't worry about it or judge it too much in other people's relationships. If those people want to damage their relationships like that, so be it.

 

I do think I know about 50 times more about your ex than I do about your current spouse. You might want to think about that. Maybe it's time to let the ex go?

[Mrs Mungo]

Seriously, people, she doesn't believe anyone else's opinion is valid. Just let it go.

[LucyStoner]

How is the assertion that if a person commits adultery they are guilty of adultery and their spouse is innocent of adultery (unless they too committed adultery)...how is that a specious argument?

 

 

Being innocent of adultery does not make someone an innocent spouse. No one is to blame for the adultery except the adulterer, but rarely is anyone beyond any fault in a bad relationship I agree with whoever said there are plenty of hamburger marriages. With the exception of those who are chronically unfaithful for their own issues, most people don't up and have an affair. Doesn't make it right or ok but it's far more gray than the way you seem to insist that it is. You start thread after thread about adultery. Maybe it's time to let it go and enjoy the marriage and life you have now. Mrs. Mungo is right- you don't really want to hear different opinions anyway.

[mytwomonkeys]

wow. i am not getting that vibe from the OP at all. she had an abusive husband that cheated on her. maybe extend some grace people.

[Jennifer3141]

 

 

Being innocent of adultery does not make someone an innocent spouse. No one is to blame for the adultery except the adulterer, but rarely is anyone beyond any fault in a bad relationship I agree with whoever said there are plenty of hamburger marriages. With the exception of those who are chronically unfaithful for their own issues, most people don't up and have an affair. Doesn't make it right or ok but it's far more gray than the way you seem to insist that it is.

 

 

EXACTLY. What if the "innocent" spouse is just a jerk? There are a million different ways to be a jerk. I don't get why infidelity is so much worse than say... spousal abuse? Or alcholism or gambling addiction or whatever. Or just being a flat our JERK.

[UrbanSue]

I know of two that ended because of an affair. One lasted three or four years after. The other, I believe, is still happily married.

[Sparkle]

I do know a number of divorced couples, but none of those divorces were due to affairs (that I know of).

[lea_lpz]

 

 

 

Being innocent of adultery does not make someone an innocent spouse. No one is to blame for the adultery except the adulterer, but rarely is anyone beyond any fault in a bad relationship I agree with whoever said there are plenty of hamburger marriages. With the exception of those who are chronically unfaithful for their own issues, most people don't up and have an affair. Doesn't make it right or ok but it's far more gray than the way you seem to insist that it is. You start thread after thread about adultery. Maybe it's time to let it go and enjoy the marriage and life you have now. Mrs. Mungo is right- you don't really want to hear different opinions anyway.

 

 

Adultery is a bad choice and a partner in a troubled relationship is making a wrong choice to turn to a relationship outside marriage, porn, etc. for comfort, but I don't think it unforgivable and is usually a consequence of underlying problems in the marriage. It's a sin, like any other, and if both partners chose to work on the marriage after an affair I think it is applaudable.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

EXACTLY. What if the "innocent" spouse is just a jerk? There are a million different ways to be a jerk. I don't get why infidelity is so much worse than say... spousal abuse? Or alcholism or gambling addiction or whatever. Or just being a flat our JERK.

 

 

I don't think it is but this discussion was about adultery.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

Being innocent of adultery does not make someone an innocent spouse. No one is to blame for the adultery except the adulterer, but rarely is anyone beyond any fault in a bad relationship I agree with whoever said there are plenty of hamburger marriages. With the exception of those who are chronically unfaithful for their own issues, most people don't up and have an affair. Doesn't make it right or ok but it's far more gray than the way you seem to insist that it is. You start thread after thread about adultery. Maybe it's time to let it go and enjoy the marriage and life you have now. Mrs. Mungo is right- you don't really want to hear different opinions anyway.

 

 

I used the term innocent spouse to distinguish between the one who committed adultery and the one who didn't. I never said being innocent of adultery made you a perfect spouse.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

EXACTLY. What if the "innocent" spouse is just a jerk? There are a million different ways to be a jerk. I don't get why infidelity is so much worse than say... spousal abuse? Or alcholism or gambling addiction or whatever. Or just being a flat our JERK.

 

 

Why would you need to cheat on your spouse because he was a jerk?

[sbgrace]

This got kind of ugly!

 

I voted wrong. I voted 100% but of the three relationships I know of that had infidelity only one resulted in a divorce. As far as I know the affair partners are still married and I know they lasted more than two years. I remembered, after I voted, that I do know of another that the marriage didn't last. So I guess I should have voted 50/50 or less if I include my husband. He knows of only one and the affair relationship didn't make it to marriage but that guy was a serial cheater. So of five, that is one that ended in a lasting relationship with the affair partner. Yet I voted 100%.

 

I imagine most affair relationships don't actually end the primary marriage. And of those that do I imagine those relationships don't end up as marriages? I suspect the 90% rate is too high though; I had heard 75% divorce and I've no clue if it's correct.

 

I think those who have affairs, regardless of the state of their marriage, usually have particular issues that are still going to be there in the next marriage. I think those particular issues are different than the people who leave an unhappy marriage without having an affair or work on an unhappy marriage. I would never say a spouse whose partner has an affair is at all responsible for the choice to have an affair. Clearly they share responsibility for a mess of a marriage prior though, if that's the case.

[Scarlett]

And for a lot of people, there are worse things than infidelity. I get that it's your issue. You've written about it quite a bit here. I don't worry about it or judge it too much in other people's relationships. If those people want to damage their relationships like that, so be it.

 

I do think I know about 50 times more about your ex than I do about your current spouse. You might want to think about that. Maybe it's time to let the ex go?

 

Is that really so surprising considering I was married to him for 26 years?

[Scarlett]

This got kind of ugly!

 

I voted wrong. I voted 100% but of the three relationships I know of that had infidelity only one resulted in a divorce. As far as I know the affair partners are still married and I know they lasted more than two years. I remembered, after I voted that I do know of another that the marriage didn't last. So I guess I should have voted 50/50 or less if I include my husband (who knows of one and the affair relationship didn't make it to marriage but that guy was a serial cheater).

 

I imagine most affair relationships don't end up as marriages? I suspect the 90% rate is too high though; I had heard 75% divorce and I've no clue if it's correct.

 

I think those who have affairs, regardless of the state of their marriage, usually have particular issues that are still going to be there in the next marriage. I think those particular issues are different than the people who leave an unhappy marriage without having an affair or work on an unhappy marriage. I would never say a spouse whose partner has an affair is at all responsible for the choice to have an affair. Clearly they share responsibility for a mess of a marriage prior though if that's the case.

 

It did get ugly and my ONLY question was do relationships that begin in adultery last ? I had read a statistic that 95% of such relationships fail with in 2 years. I suspected that was not accurate and I think the results of the pill and the comments agree with me. Paul Newman/Joanne Woodward is a prime example of one that lasted 50 years.

[Jennifer3141]

Is that really so surprising considering I was married to him for 26 years?

 

 

It's a bit... odd... that it still matters so much to you. You're remarried. I think ideally for your new spouse, your ex's behavior wouldn't be quite so prevalent in your mind. I've blanked my my ex's entire NAME before. He's just not a factor in my life and I've got a new DH. My focus is on my current husband. Honestly, I feel a little sorry for your current spouse.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

It's a bit... odd... that it still matters so much to you. You're remarried. I think ideally for your new spouse, your ex's behavior wouldn't be quite so prevalent in your mind. I've blanked my my ex's entire NAME before. He's just not a factor in my life and I've got a new DH. My focus is on my current husband. Honestly, I feel a little sorry for your current spouse.

 

Well you didn't have kids with him either. And believe it or not this poll was not about me or my xh.

[goldberry]

I know of two marraiges personally that ended when an affair came to light. Previous to the affair, there were numerous and serious problems in the marraige. It was easy for the innocent (non-cheating) partner to say the affair was what ended the marraige, but anyone who knew the situation knew that was not true. The marraige had deteriorated to the point where one partner became so determined to leave that the affair was used as the way out.

 

This is certainly not always the case, but it does happen. In one case the affair didn't continue, in the other case, the parties married and remained married.

[Scarlett]

 

HYou start thread after thread about adultery. .

 

 

I thought.... Hmmm wonder if that is true! I do tend to talk a lot and clearly I have been annoying a number of you. So I looked up my threads....went back about 2 1/2 years....I could only find this one thread that was about adultery. So no I do NOT start thread after thread about adultery.

[Scarlett]

I know of two marraiges personally that ended when an affair came to light. Previous to the affair, there were numerous and serious problems in the marraige. It was easy for the innocent (non-cheating) partner to say the affair was what ended the marraige, but anyone who knew the situation knew that was not true. The marraige had deteriorated to the point where one partner became so determined to leave that the affair was used as the way out.

 

This is certainly not always the case, but it does happen. In one case the affair didn't continue, in the other case, the parties married and remained married.

 

 

An exit affair. I've seen a few of those. Seems like it would just be easier to leave.

[Jennifer3141]

Well you didn't have kids with him either. And believe it or not this poll was not about me or my xh.

 

 

 

Nope, I didn't. Because I realized he was a jerk. And I think if women stopped having babies with jerks, we'd all be a lot better off. :D

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

Nope, I didn't. Because I realized he was a jerk. And I think if women stopped having babies with jerks, we'd all be a lot better off. :D

 

 

On that we can agree.

[Murphy101]

So if my poll is anywhere near accurate (and it may not be since I think I did not do a good job setting it up) 40% of you are saying that 91-100 % of relationships that you know began in adultery lasted longer than 2 years.

 

That is significant to me. And I think it strongly disputes the claim that such relationships have a 95% fail rate.

 

Very interesting.

 

 

I would disagree with you. 2 years isn't very long. And it certainly isn't long enough to be called a success, imnsho.

 

Everyone I know where this has happened, not a single one lasted to The End as dh and I phrase it. :)

 

Many stayed together longer than 2 years.

Some divorced after 5, 10, or more, but not a single one that I know has lasted to The End.

[treestarfae]

My XH is one who believes our marriage did not end because of his affair. So yeah I think people lie to themselves all the time.

 

 

Marriage is about love and with love comes forgiveness. There's so many angles and shades of gray to why people divorce or forgive and move on.

[treestarfae]

 

 

Well, the question was very black and white. If they stayed together after the affair and then divorced later then I would not say the affair ended the marriage. I don't believe all affairs end a marriage...some do stay together.

 

Marriage is obviously over when someone chooses an affair. It's a matter of starting a marriage over or not.

[Scarlett]

 

 

Marriage is obviously over when someone chooses an affair. It's a matter of starting a marriage over or not.

 

Agreed.

[treestarfae]

Scarlett I'm sorry you're/were so deeply hurt. I think when you have children with someone you feel physically connected with that person. I don't think men understand or feel this as much as women. Know that there's plenty of men that deeply regret and pay for darkness. Not everyone likes to reward weak men but sometimes there's deeper issues why men neglect and fall. Don't harden too much and mirror the darkness yourself.

[Guest submarines]

I'm still confused. Are you asking what percentage of couples that I personally know where one spouse had an affair, remained married and for what period of time after finding out about the affair?

 

So if I know one couple where one spouse had an affair, and they divorced 2 years after the affair, that would be 100%?

[Tap]

I don't really know how to answer.

 

1. wife cheated, moved out with boyfriend. She is now single again, but they never legally divorced. They didn't try counseling. It has been 3+ years. They stopped being a 'couple' the day he found out. The affair was a viable relationship and they stayed together for about a year or two.

 

2. wife cheated, she stayed in the home with kids, dad moved out after about 6mths. They tried counseling. Divorce is in the works and barring a complication will be done within a year of the discovery. This affair continues but itsn't a viable relationship (more sexual than emotional).

 

3. wife cheated, she left with boyfriend. Divorce in a year.

 

4. wife cheated, she left with boyfriend. Divorce ASAP.

 

5. man cheated but I don't now a time table, aside to say the 'affair couple' are still together 30 years later.

 

6. wife cheated, she left. She returned a year later to care for the husband through illness/death.

 

7. man cheated but I don't know the time table.

 

8. man cheated but wife never found out. They have been married for 15+ years since the affair.

 

9. man cheated. Divorce in about a year.

[Heather in Neverland]

Simply, the answer is yes. I know several people who have had affairs and divorced and remained with the person they we cheating with long term.

[Scarlett]

I'm still confused. Are you asking what percentage of couples that I personally know where one spouse had an affair, remained married and for what period of time after finding out about the affair?

 

So if I know one couple where one spouse had an affair, and they divorced 2 years after the affair, that would be 100%?

 

Of relationships that began in adultery did they stay together at least 2 years.

[LaughingCat]

Of relationships that began in adultery did they stay together at least 2 years.

I think the question is - does the statistic count only those that ended the marriage? Or any affair? 'Cause I know 1 guy who had many affairs - so if I counted just known affairs, my personally known ratio would be more like 95% less than 2 years - heavily weighted to that one person's affairs.

[caroljenn]

I do think this has gotten very ugly.

 

Many people who have not been on the receiving end of finding out about a spouse's betrayal don't realize how traumatic it can be. It is devastating. Your whole world is turned upside down - this person who has promised to love you and care for you for the rest of your lives is out running around with someone else??

 

I think it is like anyone in a bad situation. I cannot understand what it is truly like to be with someone who is violent. I did not grow up in a violent home, nor have I ever had anyone be violent with me. I cannot understand anyone who is addicted drinking or drugs. I do not have an addictive personality. There are lots of things that a person can't understand unless you've experienced them firsthand.

 

I think many of you need to ease up on Scarlett. A betrayal by a husband of 26 years is no easy thing to deal with. Who are we to judge how long someone should be upset by something or how they should handle their emotions? I for one, have been affected by infidelity and it affects a person greatly. The sting doesn't just go away, even if you are lucky enough to trade your hamburger marriage for a steak one.

[Laura Corin]

I don't have much experience of this. The two such situations I know: in the first, the new relationship lasted until one partner's death over thirty years later, outliving the marriage by fifteen years; the second, the new relationship is rocky but still ongoing and has outlived the original marriage by decades.

 

In both cases, the betrayal was a life-changing event for the betrayed person; I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this.

 

Laura

[Audrey]

 

Yes, but the question is how many of the relationships that began in adultery lasted 2 years or more.

 

I'll delete my vote, then, and please ignore my previous post. I thought you were asking how long the affairs had lasted before the married couple split up over it.

[LucyStoner]

I thought.... Hmmm wonder if that is true! I do tend to talk a lot and clearly I have been annoying a number of you. So I looked up my threads....went back about 2 1/2 years....I could only find this one thread that was about adultery. So no I do NOT start thread after thread about adultery.

 

I would not be so familiar with the details of your what I consider to be black and white views of adultery if you only started 2 threads that were on this topic in the less than 18 months I have actively posted here. I am really sorry for all the hurt that your first marriage caused you. No one deserves any of that. I understand that deep wounds don't heal easily or even after something better/happier (like your new marriage) happens.

 

I am not defending cheaters, just saying that it's pretty much always pointless to lay blame and look at the past. All we can do is move onwards and upwards from whatever awful situation we find ourselves in and I don't say this as a naive person who has never been in awful situations that required serious strength and forgiveness in order to move on.

[Laura Corin]

 

what always get's me about those relationships is when the "new" wife (the one the guy left his previous wife for) is *surprised* the guy would cheat on her. uh, honey? what was your first clue?

 

Not necessarily. Not every cheating spouse is a serial adulterer. Some, for good or ill, find the love of their life second time around. I believe that this was my father's case, and I say that despite being a child of the first marriage and knowing what the divorce did to my mother. What he did was wrong. The outcome for him was right.

 

Laura

[Melissa in Australia]

And it's so sunny down there and you all seem so cheerful with your, "G'day mates!" and universal healthcare - why would anyone is Australia be unhappy enough to cheat??? :D

 

????

not sure if you are trying to have a dig at me or not. I really don't know many people at a personal level. I live in a pretty remote area. Of course I have 'heard' of lots of marriages breaking up, but am not privy to the reasons behind it.

[skeeterbug]

 

 

????

not sure if you are trying to have a dig at me or not. I really don't know many people at a personal level. I live in a pretty remote area. Of course I have 'heard' of lots of marriages breaking up, but am not privy to the reasons behind it.

 

No, no! She's not having a dig at you. Just being funny. How could anything ever be wrong in our sun-shiny world Down Under? It is Australia Day after all!

[mom31257]

Wow, I don't think I can say I know of anyone whose relationship started from an affair! Most of the people I know are married and have stayed that way. I know a few who divorced and remarried, but I don't know any well enough to know why.

[Melissa in Australia]

No, no! She's not having a dig at you. Just being funny. How could anything ever be wrong in our sun-shiny world Down Under? It is Australia Day after all!

 

Ah!

Silly me :laugh:

[Cassy]

I think ... that there are as many types of affair and divorce as there are types of people and relationship out there, so you really can't generalise. I also think that after the first couple of years or so there are very few ecstatically happy marriages; most marriages go through blah phases. There is a certain type of person, both male and female, who are more committed to satisfying their need to still appear young, attractive and desirable, to experience that high of the beginning of a relationship, than they are to working through those blah phases and making their marriage work. When the affairs of that type of person destroy a marriage then, like Scarlett, it makes me very angry, especially when witnessing the devastating effects of their behaviour on their children and spouse.

[Scarlett]

 

 

Not necessarily. Not every cheating spouse is a serial adulterer. Some, for good or ill, find the love of their life second time around. I believe that this was my father's case, and I say that despite being a child of the first marriage and knowing what the divorce did to my mother. What he did was wrong. The outcome for him was right.

 

Laura

 

 

I think this is where the statistic gets wonky. And it is really what I was trying to prove or disprove. The statistic of 95 % of relationships that begin in adultery do not last 2 years.....I don't think it is true...UNLESS you count the serial cheaters and all those 'relationships'.

 

Second marriages, for whatever reason, can be better. (Mine certainly is although I still grieve for my ds and all he has to endure.) And having to put up with my xh. It would be awesome if like Jennifer I never had to see or speak to him again.

[nd293]

I only know of three marriages where there were affairs - I am of course sure there are others. Two couples divorced, one stayed together (in the latter she had the affair). The only one in which I know the long t outcome is my parents' marriage - my father is still married to the woman he began a relationship with 30 years later. While I give him credit for that, it does not change the fact that he chose her over his family, which included children as well as a wife, and I don't have a relationship with him beyond a once-a-year guilt email.