Marriage fail poll

[Scarlett]

Edited to be more clear: Of the relationships that you know of that began in adultery how many lasted more than two years after discover and divorce.

 

I have read a statistic that does not bear out in my life's experience. Since this is the largest group I know of who might be willing to answer this question...well help me please. :)

 

Think of the marriages you know of personally that you KNOW have ended as a result of an affair. For the purposes of this poll lets include marriages that were seemingly intact, living in same house when the affair began. Now of those failed marriages how many (what percentage) of the adulterous relationships lasted more than 2 years.

 

The poll is anonymous and I hope you will include yourself if that is the case. Or your ex spouses, parents, best friends etc...because THOSE are the ones that you have real knowledge of.

 

This isn't a thread to bash and judge the mistakes in our lives....I am trying to prove/ disprove a statistic.

Poll to follow

[ChristineW]

Both cases that I know in real life, the spouse and cheating partner married and are still married years later.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't know of any marriages that ended strictly because of an affair. Almost all of the failed marriages I know of had problems way, way before an affair took place, and I know several marriages that survived and even grew after an affair.

[Corbster98]

Unfortunately in my case, when I was pregnant with our second son, my ex-husband began having an affair. He walked out on us when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I didn't know at the time why... he just said he wasn't in love anymore, wasn't what I deserved, didn't want the commitment of marriage, blah, blah, blah. Found out after he left that there was another married woman he was involved with, as her husband contacted me. My ex and his new "fling" didn't last more than a few months. That was over 9 years ago and he has dated many, many women since then.

[regentrude]

I am not aware of any marriages in my circle of friends or family that ended because of an affair.

Among all my friends and family, I know only two divorced couples (one separated completely amicably, no info about the others) - all the others are either still married to their first spouse, or live unmarried with their long term partner.

[Snow]

So, if I know of a couple who got divorced, and it was because someone had an affair, did the affair go on for two or more years?

[Scarlett]

I don't know of any marriages that ended strictly because of an affair. Almost all of the failed marriages I know of had problems way, way before an affair took place, and I know several marriages that survived and even grew after an affair.

 

I have never understood this line of reasoning. Affairs certainly end marriages---whether they were good or bad in the eyes of either spouse is beside the point. It is a devastating way to handle unhappiness.

 

 

[Scarlett]

So, if I know of a couple who got divorced, and it was because someone had an affair, did the affair go on for two or more years?

Yes. That is my question.

[Parrothead]

None of my friends have had failed marriages. Well, except one. That failed due to her general craziness,not adultery.

[Scarlett]

None of my friends have had failed marriages. Well, except one. That failed due to her general craziness,not adultery.

 

LOL

[SKL]

To be honest - maybe I am just dumb - but I can't remember people I know having been divorced because of an affair. I know folks who got divorced and then went on to have a lasting relationship. And I know folks who stayed married despite an affair. At least one of which, the wife won't give the other a divorce so the cheating couple can get married.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think asking for percentages isn't going to mean much to you. I answered 100% because I only know of one (there may have been others since most people don't say why they are getting a divorce) and the subsequent marriage has lasted for 20 years. But 100% out of 1 is a lot different than 100% out of 100. . . .

[Scarlett]

I am not aware of any marriages in my circle of friends or family that ended because of an affair.

Among all my friends and family, I know only two divorced couples (one separated completely amicably, no info about the others) - all the others are either still married to their first spouse, or live unmarried with their long term partner.

 

Wow. That is awesome. What part of the country do you live in?

[NotSoObvious]

Both cases that I know in real life, the spouse and cheating partner married and are still married years later.

 

Me too.

[Scarlett]

I think asking for percentages isn't going to mean much to you. I answered 100% because I only know of one (there may have been others since most people don't say why they are getting a divorce) and the subsequent marriage has lasted for 20 years. But 100% out of 1 is a lot different than 100% out of 100. . . .

 

Well, I knew this was a possible problem...but if the sample is large enough it might tell me something overall right? Statistics are not my strong point....

[Snow]

Hmm, I would be curious to know the answer also, Scarlett. But there is so much that happens in a marriage that is private. Even if it ended because of an affair, I doubt the person would tell me it went on for so long. Even knowing whether the divorce was due to an affair is something people are often embarrassed to disclosed.

 

That said, I do know of a family member whose dh is a tEa addict and recently found out he had been affairs for their entire 30 yr marriage. Yikes.

[SKL]

OK, I might know one affair that ended a marriage (which was already a bad marriage). The adulterous couple is still married decades later. But, she's looney toons and I doubt it's love that keeps them together.

[Guest inoubliable]

I know of one marriage that broke up when the affair was the last straw - both are with the people they cheated with and have been for years. Seemed to work out well for them. I know of a marriage that survived an affair and all the bad stuff that led up to it and they're still going, stronger than ever. And I know of another marriage that puts a good face on, but suffers from a long string of affairs. The wife checks the husband's cell phone records constantly and the husband spends long hours away from his wife and kids. I'm waiting for that one to collapse any time now. It would have a while ago but the wife keeps getting pregnant and then reminding the husband of the amount of child support he'd owe her if he walked. :glare:

[Scarlett]

Hmm, I would be curious to know the answer also, Scarlett. But there is so much that happens in a marriage that is private. Even if it ended because of an affair, I doubt the person would tell me it went on for so long. Even knowing whether the divorce was due to an affair is something people are often embarrassed to disclosed.

 

That said, I do know of a family member whose dh is a tEa addict and recently found out he had been affairs for their entire 30 yr marriage. Yikes.

 

I know....it is why I am asking it here anonymously....because if you have that kind of knowledge about a marriage it probably means it is someone in your close circle...maybe even yourself. (Collective You)

[mytwomonkeys]

every marriage i can think of that has ended in an affair involved a couple that had been married for quite some time (all had children too). my husbands's parents are a prime example. they divorced when he was an adult after being married for 25 years. it ended in an affair. my husband still hurts deeply from it.

 

oh. his dad is still married to his wife that he had the affair with. they're going on 13 years i believe.

 

another couple that comes to mind, the woman did marry the man she cheated with. but it's only been a year so far.

 

the other couple is still together, but they are not married.

 

in the latter circumstances there is a HUGE age gap as well.

 

i'm sure there are other affairs i can think of, but i don't know if they are still together. we've moved from those states now.

 

oh. i just thought of one more. my mom's best friend - her ex-husband had an affair with the neighbor at least a decade ago. he is still married to the woman he cheated with & my mom's friend is still as bitter as the day it happened.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have never understood this line of reasoning. Affairs certainly end marriages---whether they were good or bad in the eyes of either spouse is beside the point. It is a devastating way to handle unhappiness.

 

Affairs can end marriages, certainly. But, affairs do not always end marriages, sometimes marriages continue. Marriages that end do not always end because of affairs, whether or not an affair happened. The people I am speaking of would not say that their marriage ended because of an affair. I'm taking their word for it, just as I take your word that an affair did end your marriage. I wouldn't think it was fair to assign motives that the people involved do not claim existed.

[Cassy]

I can think of two cases where men had affairs and later married their mistresses. One of these marriages has lasted going on 20 years, the other has lasted 4 or 5 years, although, for some reason, I can't imagine it lasting very long term.

[butterflymommy]

I only know of one marriage that definitely ended because of an affair. I think the affair had been going on about a year before they divorced. The guy married the mistress and they are still married decades later. What is the statistic you think is incorrect?

[Scarlett]

 

 

Affairs can end marriages, certainly. But, affairs do not always end marriages, sometimes marriages continue. Marriages that end do not always end because of affairs, whether or not an affair happened. The people I am speaking of would not say that their marriage ended because of an affair. I'm taking their word for it, just as I take your word that an affair did end your marriage. I wouldn't think it was fair to assign motives that the people involved do not claim existed.

 

My XH is one who believes our marriage did not end because of his affair. So yeah I think people lie to themselves all the time.

[mytwomonkeys]

My XH is one who believes our marriage did not end because of his affair. So yeah I think people lie to themselves all the time.

 

 

:grouphug: i'm sorry you had to go through that.

[RoughCollie]

I don't know anyone whose marriage ended because of an affair. I know of one marriage that was an unhappy one anyway, in which the husband had an affair for a few months and left his wife for the woman. She became my stepmother in a marriage that lasted for 35 years and ended with my father's death.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

:grouphug: i'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

Well thanks but honestly this is not a pity party for me. I am honestly interested in this question.

 

And I am happily remarried to a wonderful man.

[Mrs Mungo]

My XH is one who believes our marriage did not end because of his affair. So yeah I think people lie to themselves all the time.

 

I'm not talking about what the cheating spouse thinks, Scarlett. I'm not a fool.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I'm not talking about what the cheating spouse thinks, Scarlett. I'm not a fool.

 

Well I know you aren't a fool. You honestly know of a marriage where an affair happens and a divorce then happens and the innocent spouse says that the affair wasn't any part of the divorce?

[Mrs Mungo]

Well I know you aren't a fool. You honestly know of a marriage where an affair happens and a divorce then happens and the innocent spouse says that the affair wasn't any part of the divorce?

 

 

Absolutely. They were separated in every sense of the word long before it happened. I would imagine that the circumstances of those in my circles make that a lot easier than in your circles.

[Carrie12345]

I voted 50%, but the truth is the second half haven't had enough time to hit the 2 year mark yet. It's entirely possible that it will be 100% for the people I know.

[Scarlett]

 

Absolutely. They were separated in every sense of the word long before it happened. I would imagine that the circumstances of those in my circles make that a lot easier than in your circles.

 

 

In my original post I said for the purposes of this poll to count marriages where an affair happened when the married couple was living together in the same home. So the couples you refer to were separated physically?

[Rebel]

I think I misunderstood the question when I answered less than 2%. I thought you wanted to know how long the adulterous affair had been going on during the marriage, but the answers I am reading make me think you meant how long the affair relationship lasted AFTER the divorce. In that case, my percentage would increase to 100%. I know of three marriages that broke up due to an affair and the cheating partner was and/or is with the new partner for way more than 2 years.

[Mrs Mungo]

In my original post I said for the purposes of this poll to count marriages where an affair happened when the married couple was living together in the same home. So the couples you refer to were separated physically?

 

 

I know lots of strong marriages that are separated physically. That has a completely different connotation in my circles than in yours.

 

They were still sharing parenting duties (those possible), finances, etc. That's being married in my world. We're often not physically together.

[regentrude]

Wow. That is awesome. What part of the country do you live in?

 

 

I am from Germany, all my family and most of my friends are there. I live in MO. My two divorced friends are from here.

[Joker]

I answered 100% because I only know of one. The first couple was married many years and had three kids. He cheated and has now been married longer to his second wife than to his first (and they had more kids together).

[SKL]

Yeah, I dated a guy who was still smarting from a divorce his wife demanded a few years earlier. She had already married again and had a couple of kids. He insists that the divorce happened before the new relationship started. Could he be wrong? Maybe. But all I can do is take his word for it, right?

[SKL]

Oh, and I know of one person whose marriage hit the rocks after an affair (wife cheated). The husband wanted to save the marriage. Wife did not like the whole "no playing around" bit so she left him. She's now been with another guy (father of her 5yo) for some years, but I don't think he's the same guy she cheated with during her marriage. (Some people do get around, don't they?)

[Scarlett]

Oh, and I know of one person whose marriage hit the rocks after an affair (wife cheated). The husband wanted to save the marriage. Wife did not like the whole "no playing around" bit so she left him. She's now been with another guy (father of her 5yo) for some years, but I don't think he's the same guy she cheated with during her marriage. (Some people do get around, don't they?)

 

 

Yeah, and that is the point of the poll....how many are like that and how many end up in long term relationships with the person they cheated with.

 

I just added my own vote. 8 of 13 are still with the person they were cheating with when the marriage ended.

[chiguirre]

I only know one couple who divorced after an affair (although they had plenty of issues before the affair). The cheater is still with the other person almost 20 years later, although they aren't married.

[Scarlett]

I know lots of strong marriages that are separated physically. That has a completely different connotation in my circles than in yours.

 

They were still sharing parenting duties (those possible), finances, etc. That's being married in my world. We're often not physically together.

 

Sigh. I do know marriages can survive and thrive being physically apart for periods of time. I was only trying to distinquish between the failed marriage that was a marriage by at least one mate's belief and those where say they had been separated (as in we are no longer together) for a year and then one of them starts seeing someone else.

[Audrey]

I have known too many marriages that failed because of an affair, but in all of those cases, the affairs began years before they were "found out," and in some cases continued for another few years after the cheating spouse assured the other one that "it was all over."

[Mrs Mungo]

Sigh. I do know marriages can survive and thrive being physically apart for periods of time. I was only trying to distinquish between the failed marriage that was a marriage by at least one mate's belief and those where say they had been separated (as in we are no longer together) for a year and then one of them starts seeing someone else.

 

Right. I'm not talking about people like that. I'm talking about people who considered themselves married. One of them had an affair. Their marriage later ended. They do not believe that the affair is what caused their marriage to end. They knew there were many, many troubles before that happened and those troubles are what caused the marriage to end. I understand that you do not feel that way, but plenty of other "innocent parties" do.

[Sun]

I am not aware of any marriages in my circle of friends or family that ended because of an affair.

Among all my friends and family, I know only two divorced couples (one separated completely amicably, no info about the others) - all the others are either still married to their first spouse, or live unmarried with their long term partner.

 

That's true for my friends/family/husband's work colleagues as well. I only know a couple of divorced couples out of all of those many marriages or long-term relationships, and neither of those couples divorced due to an affair. Most of the people I know have been married 10 or more years.

[FeFe]

I only know two who have divorced due to an affair. Neither of the affairs were more than a year. In one case, the couple who divorced remarried one another sometime later.

[Mom-2-7]

I know of 3 failed marriages that involved a third party. One was my first marriage. In my case and I believe in the other 2 cases as well, there were problems in the marriage.

 

I can say for certain that in my first marriage, we would have eventually divorced regardless of the affair. After the divorce, the relationship lasted only a few months.

[Scarlett]

 

Right. I'm not talking about people like that. I'm talking about people who considered themselves married. One of them had an affair. Their marriage later ended. They do not believe that the affair is what caused their marriage to end. They knew there were many, many troubles before that happened and those troubles are what caused the marriage to end. I understand that you do not feel that way, but plenty of other "innocent parties" do.

 

 

Yeah I don't know about 'plenty' of them thinking that way. I wonder how that conversation would go---'Dh, sweetie...I see you are in bed with your co-worker. I just want to let you know that I am now divorcing you but please, don't blame yourself or the affair you are having! I just realize that we have so many problems we need to end this marriage.'

 

Or how about this one, 'dw, I see you have caught me in an affair. I'm glad because I've been meaning to tell you that I want out of this marriage.' Wife replies, "oh I know! I've been meaning to tell you the same thing. Go well and stay warm. And I know the affair had nothing to do with you leaving me.'

 

Said no one ever. In my world anyway.

[SKL]

But the sad thing is how many people are unhappy in their marriage because of ongoing / serial affairs, and yet stay together knowing they will never be happy. I can think of more examples of that than of those who got divorced over an affair.

[butterflymommy]

The way the poll question is phrased is really confusing so I don't think you got accurate results. I think some responders thought you were asking how long the marriage had lasted, not the affair.

[Scarlett]

The way the poll question is phrased is really confusing so I don't think you got accurate results. I think some responders thought you were asking how long the marriage had lasted, not the affair.

 

 

Well I changed the wording a bit....but I think if they read my first post they will know what I am asking.

All who posted on the thread seemed to understand the question.