How to address unequal gifts from Grandma?

[saw]

For Chanukah, MIL and FIL sent the four dcs presents. DS6 was given five gifts, DS11 one. DDs (14) received two each, plus one or two joint presents. I know how much the gifts cost because they were selected from the Amazon wish list the kids set up for MIL, and I edited it to ensure that there would be no doubling up on gifts and that no one present was outrageously expensive. In other words, DS11's gift wasn't more expensive than DS6's gifts. It was seriously unequal. MIL and FIL skyped with the kids for the gift-giving so they could see DS6 open five presents and DS11 open one, but they didn't say anything or do anything. I had warned xDH that this was going to happen (gifts were sent here) and he doesn't seem to care.

 

I'm annoyed on DS11's behalf, not because of the "stuff" (I wish they'd given each child one gift only, I'm so sick of STUFF) but because it was a very in-your-face way of saying something that can be heard as, hey we like your little brother better than we like you (which unfortunately has some truth to it). So do I say anything? If so, what?

 

DH is newly my xDH, and the in-laws are not happy about this at all. They are the sort of people who are nice to my face, but I'm sure that behind my back they are very not nice -- we were there this summer and they way they talk about the women DH's cousins married is awful. So part of me says, leave it alone, who cares. But I don't want this to be a pattern of favouring DS6 over DS11, which I have already seen developing in other areas. I don't think it's healthy for either boy or their relationship.

 

The kids have not yet written their thank-yous because one of the gifts was back-ordered and arrived just today, and I told them they could wait and do the thank-you together. I thought I could perhaps add a note saying, thanks for your generosity, but in the future could you please give each child one gift or two gifts so that they have an equal number.

 

I know some of you have dealt with this sort of favoritism a lot -- any ideas on what works or doesn't work?

[Tess in the Burbs]

I am not sure you could say anything without some backlash, especially since your dh doesn't care. Perhaps the family has different gift expectations for older kids? It's bothersome they weren't financially equal. I would expect that.....younger kid gifts are cheaper so you get more, but since it wasn't monetarily equal you are in a hard spot.

 

This year my inlaws sent ds a birthday gift. First one in 8 years. but it was a gift a 4 year old could play with. Ds just put it aside. I offered to buy it from him(for his birthday age) and will donate the toy. His sister got cash on her birthday. I wish they would be consistent!!!! But I can't say anything. They remembered for the first time in years....I just can't correct them.

 

One idea is to set up the wish list with exactly what you want them to get your kids. Put an equal # of gifts equalling the same amount of money for both. And then when they buy one of one kids and all on the other then perhaps you could call and ask if they got the wish list stuff since it was equal money wise? And when they say yes, then point out one kid got one and the other got more....you just want things to be fair. Set it up so they can do it fair and when they fail next year call and ask. Since you don't have to deal with them often due to Dh being an ex.....I would try to ask but make sure they have the opportunity to get it right next year before asking ((HUGS))

 

Until then....it's a life lesson for your kids. To treat people in a family fair. To explain that gifts don't equate love. And in difficult situations just pray for the people that offend, b/c often those people are just clueless.

[bettyandbob]

I'd plan to open and rewrap prior to the event every time.

 

1. In the event of inequality, I could decide that since one child got one present everyone should get one. Then I'd select the one for each of the children they would get and rewrap. If the box came directly from Amazon you can just do an Amazon return and it will be credited to your MIL (xMIL?) If MIL asks I might say apparently she made an oversight in her purchase.

 

2. Or I might send them all back. If MIL asks, I'd simply say that level of unfair treatment is entirely unacceptable.

 

As you get into working out visitation details, I'd be keeping a record of this and other incidents. I'd be thinking about the possibility that grandmas contact needs to be limited.

[Mom2pandc]

Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I have too in the past. I finally blew up at my in laws over this subject and many more, and we didn't talk to them for two years. However that doesn't help the hurt feelings of the left out child. Even now that we are trying to be civil with them, they "act" more favorable to dd6 than ds9. She's more outgoing and crazy. He's very quiet and internal. I would just try my best to be honest yet gentle in saying to ds11, for whatever reason, they felt like buying him more. There is nothing we can do to change their behavior, but you need to be the bigger person and be gracious for the thing they did get you. Maybe it's because ds6 is younger and they feel he's more likely to only get hand me downs, maybe there is no real reason.

I feel for you. The last Christmas, before we cut them out. My son was only 6 I think and his sister got an explosion if pink everything. He got very few items including games he already had and a kids tool set that THEY bought him the year before. I understand if they don't know what I or others have bought the kids, but they should know what they got him!

It doesn't get much better, sadly. This year it appeared more even, but since harping on me since Halloween that she needed a Christmas list, I gave her a whole catalog with things circled and I told her different things the kids would like, crossed out things they had or similar. She got precisely zero of those items.

So as to if you should say something to them, it's up to you to decide if its worth it. It probably won't change much and will only give them more nasty thins to say to you. If anything, I'd maybe just say next year that the kids have a lot of stuff, could you only get them one or two items, we are trying to tone down the amount of stuff. You'll probably end up with 10 gifts per kid if they really like spitting you though ;)

Good luck, it's delicate.

[FriedClams]

It stinks but it's a gift. They don't have to give anything, and as such anything they do give should be met with appreciation. One cannot mandate the terms on which others show generosity. You may not love the gift, but equity in price is really not supposed to matter with gifts. It's supposed to be the sentiment, and really, that they did anything or even tried to honor your wish list, should be met with a kind thank you note.

[bzymom]

That is lousy. You won't change the ILs, but you may want to limit events in the future to one gift per child. Lay it under the "we've got so much already" blanket so there is no argument. If they decide to send one child 11 gifts, give 10 to a charity before the kids even see and drop them a sweet little note about their great generosity to kids in need.

[elegantlion]

I agree it's unfair, but I think sometimes grandparents just forget. It can be hard to remember what 11 year old boys are into. We also use Amazon wish lists and I make sure to mark each item "for ds, for me, for dh" etc.

 

They be of a mindset that older boys are harder to buy for, or boys need less gifts as they get older.

 

I grew up with most grandparents not caring about me, one favored my sister and it showed in the gifts. My mom taught me that life isn't fair sometimes. It's hard, but you can't force a level of relationship or gift giving on someone else without being the bad guy. If your relationship is already strained, I wouldn't say anything.

 

In some cases a disparity in gifts may be a simple oversight or different pattern of thinking. In some cases it can be a reflection of the relationship as a whole. The bottom line is YOU cannot be responsible for how others feel about your children. you CAN make sure your children know YOU love them, whether life is fair or not, that YOU believe in them and their interests. Then the disparity in gifts becomes less important, still hurtful sometimes, but less important.

[Parrothead]

I woudln't say anything about the gifts. There is no way you can win that one without sounding entitled and whiny.

 

Wait until February-ish then in no uncertain terms tell them that they are to treat the children equally or not at all. They will probably try to test you on this and you'll have to stand firm on the not at all part for a bit until they realize they have to behave better.

[Impish]

We went through this. Wolf told MIL in no uncertain terms that if she couldn't treat the kids fairly, she wasn't welcome to send anything at all.

[kalanamak]

If you think it would make any positive improvement, a polite and short note, yes. If you think it wouldn't, no.

 

11 is old enough for frankness. I'd pull him aside and tell him you (politely and carefully worded) thoughts and just make it an example of "what not to be when you grow up" (untactful) and that "in life some things you just have to take as they come". I'd be sympathetic, acknowledging, but I wouldn't emotionalize it or act like it was WWIII.

[MooCow]

Luckily my parents/inlaw's NEVER send the kids anything. :glare: They send money, for b-days and Christmas; except every year my dh's Grandad forgets our oldest unless dh's mother is in the country and reminds him. :confused: We quit giving the kids the b-day money, and instead buy one gift for them from said grandparents. The rest we apply toward their individual activities.

If they had ever sent gifts, we planned to give each child just one for Christmas, and hold back the rest for their b-days.

[KungFuPanda]

I generally don't question gift-givers, but if my kids were getting hurt, I'd take control of the situation. It would be uncomfortably against my nature, but I'd have to insist upon the appearance of equality. I'd rather they received no gifts than have one child so obviously favored. It's inconsiderate at best and deliberately hurtful at worst.

[TranquilMind]

 

The kids have not yet written their thank-yous because one of the gifts was back-ordered and arrived just today, and I told them they could wait and do the thank-you together. I thought I could perhaps add a note saying, thanks for your generosity, but in the future could you please give each child one gift or two gifts so that they have an equal number.

 

I know some of you have dealt with this sort of favoritism a lot -- any ideas on what works or doesn't work?

 

Etiquette does not permit you to address and direct gift-giving like this. I certainly wouldn't write it in a thank you note.

 

You might be able to do it in casual conversation but it will be difficult to do.

 

I'm sorry.

[Amy in NH]

This is what I would do:

 

1. Don't say anything.

2. Intercept the holiday gift box next year. If there is unequal gift-giving, select ONE gift for each child and donate the rest to charity unopened.

3. No Skype. "Oops, sorry! It hasn't been working lately!"

[KungFuPanda]

You could go the passive-aggressive route and have the kids write individual thank you notes for each gift. Maybe they'll get the point?

[Farrar]

If this were a case of loving grandparents who are inadvertently doing this, then that would be one thing. But they clearly know what they're doing. You don't have a relationship with them to stop them. All you can do is be gracious and eventually be a good listener and give good, calm advice when your ds11 wants to gripe about this down the road - because he almost certainly will at some point. Don't let them drive a wedge between your two ds. If it comes up, emphasize that neither of them have control over this behavior, but they can control their own behavior and not be jealous or lord it over each other. They have your equal, unconditional love, even if they don't have grandmom and granddad's.

[Embassy]

This happened to my kids once. A younger child received less than the older child and commented on it when they were finished opening gifts. It wasn't a pattern so I later told them that a mistake has been made and a gift of money would be split up in such a way that it would be equal for them. Both the kid who received more and the kid who received less were okay with that arrangement.

[TranquilMind]

This is what I would do:

 

1. Don't say anything.

2. Intercept the holiday gift box next year. If there is unequal gift-giving, select ONE gift for each child and donate the rest to charity unopened.

3. No Skype. "Oops, sorry! It hasn't been working lately!"

 

I wouldn't lie about number three, but number 2 is the only way to graciously handle it, unless a conversation would be productive. Probably not, or it wouldn't be happening.

[Hockey Mom]

This is what I would do:

 

1. Don't say anything.

2. Intercept the holiday gift box next year. If there is unequal gift-giving, select ONE gift for each child and donate the rest to charity unopened.

3. No Skype. "Oops, sorry! It hasn't been working lately!"

 

This.

 

My parents used to pull this type of crap with my DD and my boys. She is their first grandchild, and the favoritism is sickening. I started buying other gifts myself and had the tags read 'love Grandma and Grandpa'. The first time my boys thanked them for a gift they didn't buy, it embarrassed them and I haven't had that issue ever since. BUT, when they asked me about it, I told them exactly why I did it.

[Elizabeth in MN]

In the future, only give your exILs a choice of one gift per kid. They are asses, you know it, they know it and life goes on.

[Freckles]

My siblings and I were the unfavored children when it came to one set of grandparents. It presented as few or forgotten gifts at Christmas compared to the piles of gifts our cousins were receiving all the way to time spent together, attendance at school plays, etc... It was so obvious. My mom and dad tried to get them to change, but they never would until I stood up for us. I was a late teen, and I was done with the inequality. I'm not saying it was the proper thing to do, but I called my grandparents out. I told them how awful it was to love us less compared to our cousins. I listed all of the reasons I knew about for the disparity, and explained it wasn't our fault. We were just kids who wanted to be loved. My grandpa changed his tune, and to this day he goes out of his way to say he is sorry, and that he does love us. My grandma said I had my other set of grandparents to love me, so it all evened out. It was a true lesson in learning to forgive. From this experience, my mom goes out of her way to make sure everything is completely even between the grandkids. She does it so much we sometimes roll our eyes. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. It's no fun.

[gardenmom5]

I think sending a note, or even speaking to the xils about the gifts would add fuel to the fire. why are they playing favorites with the gifts? did they do that before the divorce? why pick that particular child to "punish"? If you xdh doesn't seem to care, perhaps it's because he grew up with it happening to him and doesn't see any point in fighting against such blatant gamesmanship. (to be a child whose parents do that is very demotivating.)

 

In future, since the gifts are coming to your house, I'd control how many each actually received.

[gardenmom5]

If they decide to send one child 11 gifts, give 10 to a charity before the kids even see and drop them a sweet little note about their great generosity to kids in need.

 

 

and for petty grandparents who play these games, that kind of note will really get their goat. which while petty, can be emminently satisfying.

[TrixieB]

You could go the passive-aggressive route and have the kids write individual thank you notes for each gift. Maybe they'll get the point?

That seems rather like punishing the child who received "extra" gifts due to family dynamics that he can't control. Even if you write the extra notes and the child signs his name, that still feels like throwing the child into the middle of some adult issues that really don't involve him.

[Unicorn.]

I would do one of two things:

1. I would either tell them to keep it even, or don't send anything at all. Favoritism isn't going to be allowed if they want to have a relationship w/ your dc.

2. I would buy an extra gift for the non-favored child, and have them open it in front of them and thank them for it (just to see the look on their faces).

I would actually do this first, and if they don't get the message, then proceed w/ #1.

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't say anything, but next year, I'd only put one item on each of their Amazon wish lists -- and I'd be sure the items were of similar value.

[Mergath]

I probably wouldn't do anything. It sucks to be sure, but anything you do will teach your kids that gifts are something you are entitled to, not something graciously done on the part of the giver, and if you don't like something about the gifts, get angry at the gift-giver until you get your way.

[Impish]

I love ya, Mergath, but I totally disagree.

 

It's not about the gifts, it's about the favouritism.

 

I wouldn't involve the kids. We didn't, when MIL pulled her stunt. Wolf tackled MIL out of earshot of the kids, they didn't even know that the discussion had been had, But when Tazzie rec'd new outfits, new toys, and Diva got a mouldy doll and a board book w/a tag instructing her to read it to Tazzie, something had to be done.

 

There's nothing gracious about using gifts to show someone that they aren't as valued as their sib.

[saw]

Thanks all for the insight. Interesting that there are so many different views! FTR, it really isn't the "stuff" -- my kids aren't really about "stuff" and are just as happy with . To me the problem is perpetuating a pattern of favoring my youngest son over the other three, in particular over his older brother. I will mention it once again to xDH, something along the lines of "in the future, I will be redistributing the gifts if this continues." We live so far away from the ILs (deliberately!) that contact with them is likely to be limited in the future (largely because the three big kids refuse to go see them!), and I won't mention it to them unless the favoritism gets worse.