kbpaulie Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Please, I am not trying to be a vulture in thinking this or asking this, so pelase be patient w/ me... About 5 years ago we were in a church small group with a couple for about 2 years. We've ALWAYS loved their larger 4 bdrm house, which may or may not be w/i our budget. The wife just passed away. I mean just. So I feel terrible in even thinking this, but.... if at some point we wanted to contact the husband and let him know that if he, at any point, considers selling the house to please keep us in mind, when would a be a good time to do this? It's WAY to early, fresh and raw now. Not something I would do at this point!!!!! Is this anything that would be appropriate at any point in time? Would you send a letter or set up a time to get together? (We no longer attend the same church and hand't seen one another for about 3-4 years.) (If you have a personal connection w/ the loss of a loved one can you please be sure to mention this also b/c it's more than just a general opinion then.) We're not in contact w/ him much so we'd likely not hear if he were planning to sell. If it matters - There children are all grown. They do have grand & great-grand children. They were in there 60s and married 40+ years. It was a very sudden death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Neither of my grandfathers sold their homes after my grandmas passed away. Their homes were large as well. They were still a familiar place for the family to gather and held lots of memories. I would do nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 egads - in their 60's? dh is in his 60's. anyway - it would generally be considered tacky. BUT, you can ask, in person, what their plans are? staying or moving? as though it was just part of "catching up", and proceed from there. *if* they say "moving", you can let them know how much you've loved the house, and that you might be interested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodhaven Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I wouldn't say anything. Just wait and see if he ever mentions moving. He may want to keep the house for it's memories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I would say nothing until I saw a sign in the yard. There's just too much potential to hurt someone who is already going through a very difficult time to justify saying something earlier, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Nope, never a good time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey Mom Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Nope, never a good time. Pretty much this. There are literally thousands of houses on the market for sale. I would focus my search efforts there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Wow, I guess everyone else feels differently, but I would send a polite letter after six months have gone by. My aunt always loved a particular house and wrote a letter to the owner asking to buy it if she ever wanted to sell. After years the owner contacted her and my aunt had the house within a week. My aunt's boss was very unhappy because his wife had always wanted the house and was annoyed that her husbands secretary was the new owner, but hey, my aunt wrote the letter. If it is a really great house it may not go on the market even if he wants to sell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Yikes. Never. Keep your eye on it and if it goes on the market then you can try to work out a deal but before then would be insensitive. Neither of grandmothers sold their big houses after their children and husbands were gone. He may have zero intention of selling it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'm trying to think of any widows or widowers I know who sold the house after the spouse died. None of them! Don't say anything. I'm sorry but you may well look like a vulture, especially since you haven't been in touch for several years. Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Nope. Never appropriate. You're better off just watching the local real estate listings. Even if he did sell, he wouldn't 'keep you in mind' anyway. He'd just sell to the highest bidder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I guess I am much older than you (since 60s seem like too young to die- here, in our church and area, most who die are more like in their 80s or 90s). Anyway, I know many people who scaled down their homes- none were recently widowed people and not at that age. I have known several late 50 year olds to 60 year olds who trade larger, more basic homes for fancier, newer smaller homes but these have all been couples. The elderly widows or widowers I have known who scaled down normally did so after health problems of their own and those are usually ten or more years down the road to where the person needs to move into a retirement home, with relatives, etc. I don't know anyone in their 60s who has done so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Never. What strikes me is that you're not even in contact with him. What I hear is a call/note from a long lost friend saying 'wow real bummer about your wife, can I have your house now?" If it's not out of your way, drive by regularly. If you see a sign in the yard, phone the real estate agent asap to get the asking price. But I think it would be highly insensitive to just ask outright, at any time. I really can't imagine how I would feel if I was that poor man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'm with the majority here. Never appropriate. It's not the only house in the world. If it comes up on the market, great; if not, oh well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 If it comes up in conversation that he's planning to sell, I think you can tell him that you'd be interested to buy. Otherwise, nope. ETA: Thinking more, obviously this is not a solution, but in the past, before she died, you totally *could* have said something, because it would have been a compliment to their home, said in passing, and no big deal - it would have clearly been about the general future. But now it does feel vulture-esque. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Never. Just keep checking Zillow. That's what I was thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 My father got a home by writing a letter to a stranger indicating interest in the home if they ever wanted to sell--but he had the interest in preserving a historical home and had already done the research to have a pretty good idea that it was in his price range. They were actively looking for a home but had time to wait. It doesn't sound like you necessarily are looking for a home, only that you thought this one, which might or might not be in your price range, might come on the market due to the death of your former friend. In that case, I think it is vulturous to send any kind of communication any time soon. I'm not sure with someone you know, but aren't in contact with, if it would ever be appropriate since as long as the death of his wife is what's making you think he might be interested. A lot of men remarry very quickly though. At that point, it would be more appropriate to write. Or wait a few years if he remains a widower. You could first do your market research to find out if you can pay full value (that's what you pay when you ask to be first in line. People aren't usually interested in price reductions before they've tested the market), and then send a note saying if they'd ever like to sell, you'd be interested because you love the house. Generally, though, I'd let it go mentally. Now is not the time to be thinking about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Don't do it! Just wait to see if it ever goes on the market. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Definitely not okay. In fact, if I were the poor man and someone sent me a letter like that, my first thought would be, "Good lord... I'm definitely not selling to them even if I DO move." Let him grieve in peace. If he wants to sell, he'll put it on the market. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durriyyah Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Yep, just let it go and if you are on the market, keep checking online. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I know I hate it. My mother's home is unique and very scenic. I hate it when people ask if we ever want to sell it contact them. After my father died several requests. Literally I was answering the door to personal requests while trying to plan a funeral. It was just terrible! I honestly can not ever imagine letting any of those people have it. As you can tell I am a bit attached but most people are to their childhood homes. I know you are planning to wait awhile but it is worse when I or she knows the people. It feels like people are forcing a decision that we are not ready to make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 All you can tactfully do is wait for the for sale sign. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 No, no, no! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 You could contact a real estate agent and let him or her know of your interest and to please call you if it comes on the market. The real estate agent may hear about it before you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'm trying to think of any widows or widowers I know who sold the house after the spouse died. None of them! Don't say anything. I'm sorry but you may well look like a vulture, especially since you haven't been in touch for several years. Sorry! my mil did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Like others said, don't ask. I would just check for a for sale sign or zillow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 The only possibly polite way I can imagine making that request is if you are close with someone else who is close to the widower and can ask that person to let you know if the house will go on the market. Even that is iffy, IMHO. Keep an eye out for a sale sign, otherwise. Too much risk of hurting someone who is already hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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