Am I being unreasonable??

[susancollins]

We always had Christmas at my mother in laws at 6 pm on Christmas eve. Well last year my husbands cousin lets call her A decided she was going to do a private Christmas eve with my mil and her children in the afternoon. My mil did make a fuss over this she accomodate A.

I don't know if you have seen my post about Grayson being sick but he has a severe upper and lower respiratory infection and a very weak and low immune system. My mother in law lives with her 75 year old father. He was irate that she sent sick children to his home. The flu is not a good thing for someone his age. Last week A's kids went to the doctor come to find out they have the flu, she sents them the same night to my mother in laws for a sleep over because she had tickets to a game. Today we finally got Grayson blood work back from the doctor he went in on Monday. I called my mother in law after I talk to the nurse at the doctors office. I was told not to take Grayson on Monday because of his weak immune system if at all possible. I call mother in law and ask if we can come around 10 or 11, before A and her family get there she says I won't have the food ready I said that is fine don't worry about the food we will just do gifts and talk. I tell her to think about it and call me back. I call her back and say we are unable to come unless we can come before A's kids I refuse to expose my children to the flu. She tells me the reason his immune system is so weak is we never leave the house, I respond we go to church three times a week. I teach a homeschool co-op class. My kids are out and socialized. I am so tired of this!!! Am I being unreasonable. She said if the kids don't have a fever they aren't contigous I have always heard the flu virus can be active for a week or two. Am I being unreasonable to have Christmas early this year, because I don't want to expose my children.

[Kirch]

Not unreasonable, especially with compromised immune system issues. And you can definitely be contagious with a virus without a fever. You can even be contagious with some viruses before YOU start feeling symptoms. So yeah, I'd stick to my guns on this one.

[Kirch]

Oh--and I'd refuse to expose my family to the flu and we DON'T have immune system issues. The flu can be NASTY.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Absolutely not unreasonable. Honestly, I would send dh over there to see his mother and to drop off gifts and to pick them up for the rest of you. I would not take Grayson out even before the other kids get there. Please listen to the doctor and just don't take him out at all.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Huh, I might say something along the lines of "Well, if my son gets the flu he'll die and it'll be blood on your hands". Then again my family knows not to cross me.

[gardenmom5]

your mil's father is 75? I'm getting old. my mother would have been 78 last month. (my mil is 87)

 

okay - I can agree with making a seperate time for you and "a" when illness is a big deal. she's not going to agree with you about germ exposure, so don't bother trying to get her to change her mind. "yes mother stevens, I am very germophobic, nevertheless, it's what I feel I must do. I must beg your indulgence with my eccentricities." (try to not let her see the tongue in your cheek. ;p and don't choke on your tongue)

 

you mil probably feels between a rock and a hard place and isn't sure how to balance things. give her some options.

 

anyway - I would propose you give her a couple times that would work. Monday morning, sunday afternoon/evening or even wednesday (boxing day =D). Offer to bring some munchies so she won't have to worry ( they needn't be extravegant) about food. (a pot of soup and some rolls are great.)

 

if none of those work for her - oh well, c'est la vie. hopefully everyone will be healthy next year and sickness won't be an obstacle. don't make a big deal out of it - just be matter of fact, while also sticking to your guns in protecting your children's health.

 

eta: I agree with the pp, if you need to send your dh to deliver and pick up gifts, that's what you do.

[susancollins]

This is the hardest thing for me. My husband will just not stand up to his mom railroading me. I posted a couple of weeks ago how sad I was for my children that two very active people in their lives are not here. My dad died this year and my grandma died in 2010, they were a big part of my childrens lives. We were out shopping with my mom and I posted on facebook how happy I was to have my mom. She made this long rant on my page about how she is their grandmother too and was being negative. My husband deleted it since I was out shopping and I couldn't, I didn't want people to see how she was acting. I had friends call me while I was shopping asking what is going on. She kept posting more so I said you want to make about you then I will where were you when we lived 5 mins from you. The post wasn't a dig at her I was sad about missing my other family but happy that I have my mom. She made more comments and they deleted them before my husband could see them. She just moved here in June 2011 before that she only got to see us once a year. She was a teacher and could only come in the summer. She is helping me homeschool. I am going back to school in January and I am not even telling my mother in law because she gossips and is just a negative person. I have my Associates in Art which is college transfer degree. I am going back for my RN. It is constant source of trouble in my marriage that my mil is just down right mean to me and she is not so nice to my children.

[Anne in CA]

This year's flu is supposed to be horrible. I would not bother. Especially when it seems like she has decided to draw her line in the sand with your family.

[Pod's mum]

I agree. It's not negotiable. As a mum you are supposed to feel guilty for everything.

But Grayson is too sick. So let them deal with their fuffled feathers.

I also get annoyed with people willing to share illness, particularly flu. Flu's nasty.

My mother always made comments about my "over-focus" on avoiding having my daughter around sick people, "when she's the one that's sick all the time anyway".

Well, yes, my point rather. Some people aren't going to get it.

 

Anyway, stick to your guns, maybe meet up with them after Christmas and without the sickie extras. Our familiy's gift exchanges tend to be spread out due to distance and its rather nice extending it.

 

By the way, thanks for the update I came back to check how you were going.

[susancollins]

I agree. It's not negotiable. As a mum you are supposed to feel guilty for everything.

But Grayson is too sick. So let them deal with their fuffled feathers.

I also get annoyed with people willing to share illness, particularly flu. Flu's nasty.

My mother always made comments about my "over-focus" on avoiding having my daughter around sick people, "when she's the one that's sick all the time anyway".

Well, yes, my point rather. Some people aren't going to get it.

 

Anyway, stick to your guns, maybe meet up with them after Christmas and without the sickie extras. Our familiy's gift exchanges tend to be spread out due to distance and its rather nice extending it.

 

By the way, thanks for the update I came back to check how you were going.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for Grayson this week.

[Rosie_0801]

There is no possible way to view you as being unreasonable and whatever prevents you from knowing that needs to be cured before next Christmas.

[Danestress]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

 

And I think your MIL needs to learn to keep her thoughts to herself. My mother and MIL (and I think a lot of older people) often feel judgy towards the protectiveness of young mothers. I see the eye rolling. But you are biologically designed to have a protective instinct toward your son, and if it's in overdrive, it's in overdrive (not saying it is in overdrive, just saying that it's a natural motherly instinct).

 

I think your MIL is probably disappointed because her idea of what Christmas eve should be (evening meal, family gathered, food she planned and prepared) is slipping away - first with your A and now with you. I think some people are very attached to their ideas of how Christmas is "supposed" to look. Particularly for a woman who is caring for an older father, she might really have been looking to feeling like the "Mom" again at Christmas instead of being the dutiful, bored, stressed out daughter. Does that make sense? She may just really miss that dynamic in her life of having the younger people all together enjoying her contributions to Christmas.

 

She will get used to the idea. Just give her time to adjust, and don't be iffy on your decision. Figure out how you can speak extra love into your MIL's day and try not to let this become an issue of "she's so mean to me." Try to think, "She's so disappointed and will regret saying these things."

[Night Elf]

I like the idea of giving her a few dates to choose from. If she refuses them all, have your DH carry gifts as a pp mentioned. If she refuses to give him your family's gifts, let it go. It may not be easy but once you start, it may feel good enough that you can have a stress free Christmas. Really, I would keep him home anyway, but I'm especially concerned that the doctor recommended it. My mom holds doctors in esteem so their word is always important. She would understand. Some people think doctors are quacks and prone to over-exaggerate. I'd push this particular recommendation to take some of the flack off your back.

[Harriet Vane]

Absolutely not unreasonable. Honestly, I would send dh over there to see his mother and to drop off gifts and to pick them up for the rest of you. I would not take Grayson out even before the other kids get there. Please listen to the doctor and just don't take him out at all.

 

Vehemently agree with this. I don't think Grayson should go anywhere for the next two weeks. He's just too sick, and your mom is unfortunately being a little selfish. I don't think she means any harm to the little guy, but she is letting her feelings about the holiday cloud her judgment.

[Impish]

Absolutely not unreasonable. Honestly, I would send dh over there to see his mother and to drop off gifts and to pick them up for the rest of you. I would not take Grayson out even before the other kids get there. Please listen to the doctor and just don't take him out at all.

:iagree:

[MiniBlondes]

Absolutely not unreasonable. Honestly, I would send dh over there to see his mother and to drop off gifts and to pick them up for the rest of you. I would not take Grayson out even before the other kids get there. Please listen to the doctor and just don't take him out at all.

 

 

 

As usual, I agree with Jean. Stick to your guns, Mama!

[Cinder]

You're not unreasonable to protect your son. I've had the flu twice in my life, both at times when I was healthy as a horse, and it really was horrible. If your mil doesn't understand that any illness could be life-threatening for your son then you'll have to let her go her way while you go on doing what you know is right. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

You are not being unreasonable. However, both you and mom are mixing issues.

 

You are defensive about your lifestyle choices.

 

And your mom is using this as an opportunity to comment on your lifestyle choices.

 

Stick with the *contagious and risk* content and disallow anything else.

[Kathryn]

Not unreasonable at all. I'd keep him home period. No talk of other days. It's just not a risk I'd take right now.

[Tammyla]

Your baby needs you to be the momma bear...

 

I wouldn't take him out and I wouldn't discuss it with an unreasonable / unmovable person. She wants what she wants, but you know what is best for your child(ren)... Just don't do it; it sounds easy and put into motion actually is. (I've found the secret to dealing with pushy, bossy, demanding people is to put on my rhino-skin and ignore it/them.) You can be a loving person and not be a doormat. Just think how awful you will feel if you little one picks up the flu and you could have avoided it.

 

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Follow medical instructions. You won't regret it and MIL can just get over herself or not, but I wouldn't suffer a tantruming person over this.

 

Our ds, the eldest, had chronic croup/ear infections that sent his fevers into the 105-106 degree range. Our pediatrician finally told us that he had to spend six months at home...never, ever leaving home. Never being exposed to other people. He needed the break in order to recover and become healthy again. It was tough...really, tough. I never went anywhere during the day. Sometimes my mother would have to come and stay or a dear friend, so he could stay home and I could get the other children to the doctor. I grocery shopped at night when dh came home from work. We had NO social life. It was a primary reason that I homeschooled dd the first time so that she wasn't bringing home viruses from school. We took turns going to church so that I could at least get out a little for social reasons. That child did not leave our yard and only verified healthy family members were allowed to be around him. It ended up being extended to one full year and it was one VERY long year. However, it worked. He got better, he stopped having recurrent infections, and he was never that sick again.

 

Having BTDT, I say that this is not open for discussion with your MIL or anyone else. Just take care of baby Grayson!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Faith

[happi duck]

If I'm reading this right, the doctor said to stay home. It does make a difference!

 

Like others have posted, we also needed to change things to keep a child healthy.

 

I won't go into details except: it was difficult but totally worth it!

[Catwoman]

I don't think you should go at all. Forget about wanting to visit before other family members. Don't go. Period.

 

As Jean suggested, let your dh go over there and drop off the gifts -- and not on Christmas Eve, or he'll get roped into staying there and everyone will end up upset. Have him go over there this weekend -- that way, he can visit for a bit without concern that the sick folks will arrive early or that he'll get guilted into staying there late on Christmas Eve.

 

Doctors aren't generally known for being over-cautious about letting kids go out after illnesses, so if your doctor is telling you to keep Grayson at home, I think it's very important that you do exactly that. Please don't even consider risking his health just so a bratty family member can get her way. Honestly, your MIL is being selfish and foolish, and if she whines and complains about your not visiting this year, turn it right back around on her and remind her that while she may care about getting her own way more than she cares about Grayson's health, you and your dh feel quite differently... and so does Grayson's doctor, so she's going to have to suck it up and deal with it. (I'm not even sure if I would phrase that more politely -- I'd be very angry with her!)

 

Better yet, let your dh deal with his mother. You shouldn't be getting stuck in the middle of this.

 

And I say this as someone who LOVES Christmas and everything related to Christmas -- it's never worth risking your child's health just because it's Christmas. Ultimately, it's just one day out of the year, and I'd much prefer to miss out on an extended family celebration one time, than have to deal with the potentially horrible consequences if you go and Grayson gets sick as a result. Hopefully, you guys will have decades and decades of Christmases to come, where everyone is healthy and you can go visit anyone you'd like. But this year, snuggle up at home and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

[Pod's mum]

If this should be a new thread, please let me know and I'll do so.

But... why isn't he in hospital.

 

"he has a severe upper and lower respiratory infection and a very weak and low immune system."

 

We spent a couple of months a year in a kid's hospital so I got to see lots of other admissions.

We are in Australia, but is it really that different in US due to insurance etc?

 

Surely a little kid (not sure of Grayson's age) with his history and that sick needs IV antibiotics to hit this quickly and hard and for them to monitor him?

Or is it that the very real risk of picking up something else in hospital is the reason they recommend staying home? (From hospital as well as otherwise.)

Please educate me guys. (gently)

[susancollins]

They don't want him exposed to anymore germs his vitals are good and his oxgen stats are 99 percent, and he doesn't have a fever. He is doing pretty good now. his coughing has slowed down. Thank you for all of your prayers and giving me some confidence.

[Pod's mum]

Thanks for that.

Hospitals sadly are good places to pick up bugs, unless (even if) you can get a private room.

[Flowing Brook]

I have been following your news with your little guy. I hope he continues to get better and you can get to the bottom of his health problems. I would not personally take hime out. I think those involved should be more understanding. :grouphug:

[BlueTaelon]

I see 2 problems, your MIL is clueless and I say this with care as the parent of an immune deficient child, you also need to reframe your expectations because your actions may be perceived as if you really don't care if your kids are exposed to germs because your life style just doesn't happen when you have an immune deficient child, especially one who is not on IG therapy. When you have a kid with a PID you don't host homeschool groups or groups of any kind in your home, you don't go to church 3 times a week, in winter you generally don't go out at all due to infection risks. You generally stay home all the time, if you need to go out you do it early in the morning and you avoid crowds like the plague. If I don't see someone living like that then they ask me for special accommodations when their general lifestyle doesn't include serious steps to avoid infections I think they are just wanting special treatment rather then a true need. I'm not saying you don't have an actual issue but this could be the perception of your MIL. I'm a down right **** when it comes to illness, if your sick your not coming near us, if that means we miss out then so be it. My dd is in remission now and we still take precautions and avoid sick people.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

your mil's father is 75? I'm getting old. my mother would have been 78 last month. (my mil is 87)

 

 

 

Yeah. My MIL is 77.

 

Anyway, OP. Don't take Grayson out if he has a compromised immune system. You are the one who is responsible for taking care of him. If your husband is unwilling to stand up to his mother, you will have to do it, because you are responsible for your child's health. Don't let them guilt you into doing what you know is best.

[applethyme]

I would stay firm on this. My ds has a lot of lung issues and was in the hospital last week for an unrelated problem. We both came home with the flu. Watching ds struggle really reinforces why I am so mean about hand washing and not allowing sick visitors in my home. As ds has grown and we have learned more about how illness effects him, we have changed how we do things at home. One of the first things we learned was how to draw a line in the sand with family. For some reason family do not feel they have germs that can be shared and that dh and I are "over protective" and if ds were exposed to more germs he would "get better". This is the same family that never sat next ds struggling to breath or have sat in the hospital at the bedside of the same toddler waiting to see if he would need to be placed on a ventilator. Without these experiences they are able to keeping pretending that dh and I are just "some of those crazy parents."

[Reeciecup]

We got the flu this year, and it railroaded through our family. It was soooo much more contagious than anything else we've ever had. I say avoid it at all costs, and let mil say what she wants to. You can't stop her spitefulness, but you can protect your babies.

[Lisbeth]

As I always say, your child's health and well-being absolutely trump an adult's feelings of entitlement. I would not likely take my child over at all. Don't explain too much or take unnecessary blame. Just firmly state how it will be, and follow through. A few times of this an trust me, people learn you will not bend on this sort of thing.

[Farrar]

People who blame mothers for their children's illness are a special kind of horrible in my book.

[catz]

Honestly, EVERHYONE should be careful with flu exposure. I think we have a strain of it here right now and it's pretty miserable. It isn't the worst flu we've had, but it's definitely no fun. And it's even less "fun" in very young kids. It might make more work for MIL to see you that day if she's prepping a meal, and that's understandable. I'd shoot for a different day.

 

And honestly, I cannot belive A dropped off kids who had the flu with older adults? That is just idiocy IMO.

 

(FTR - we do typically get the flu shot, and have gotten the flu after the shot. I get the feeling this years strains were not well matched to the shots available. ).

[besroma]

Please keep Grayson at home. When my older children were little, we made some poor decisions due to pressure we felt from fiends, family, and church members, and as a result took them places when they were sick. We should have kept them at home, and in a few instances, the children got so very much sicker.

 

We are wiser and more protective now. No matter what anyone else thinks or says, if we have a child who needs to stay home, DH and I work together to make it happen. It is that important.

[TammyinTN]

Definitely keep that little guy home. Being super protective is not a bad thing and people will get over it. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Definitely keep that little guy home. Being super protective is not a bad thing and people will get over it. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

And in this case, being super-protective is also being super-sensible.