Extended Family Weirdness?

[Impish]

MIL once again ignored what we said, and called a cousin of Wolf's to let her know we now lived in the same city.

 

We were *very* clear w/MIL in that we weren't interested in extended family get togethers. I've never even met this cousin, *and* she's the dd of the aunt who persistently questioned Tazzie's paternity. Just not a branch of the family tree we're interested in hanging around.

 

So, I'm wondering if this is, once again, a MIL issue, or if this is something that happens w/other ppl...you move to a new city, and "Oh! Cousin Martha and Billy live there!" and before you know it, strangers you've never heard of are calling, under the guise of 'they're faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily!' when reality of it is, we wouldn't know these folks if they ran us over. W/a reindeer.

 

And, btw, this cousin is *so close* to MIL that she asked Wolf if he was married. Uh...yeah. Obviously someone MIL talks to regularily! :lol:

[Carpe]

This happens in other families too. I drove through a city in BC, not even planning on stopping, without my husband and before kids, and my MIL had phoned some distant relation that happened to live in that city to tell them I was there. I went for coffee with this woman out of obligation and she said it was so nice to finally meet MIL's oldest daughter after all these years. MIL had two sons, yes I married the oldest, but I'm younger than both of them by quite a margin, and you know, not MIL's kid.

 

Yup. It was interesting.

[Impish]

Did you find it as weird as I do, the whole idea of being pressured to get together w/ppl under the banner of 'family'? Wolf didn't grow up w/these folks, they're closer to being parent age than peer age, so it's not like he has any childhood in common w/them or anything.

[Carpe]

Yes. It is incredibly weird, but I figure they're as likely to be nice as anyone else. I can't hold their family against them. (And she was a lovely woman, despite knowing nothing about us)

 

Is your MIL and/or these distant relations expecting some sort of relationship to develop? If there is some sort of obligation I'd put my foot down, but just to meet and "catch up" *shrug* my family has it's own idiosyncrasies that are worse than that.

[Unicorn.]

Have I told you about the twins' 1st birthday? I invited my mom, my sister and her 2 kids, and my aunt (who lived next door to my mom, was widowed, and was more like another grandmother). I invited dh's mom and dad, and told her she could bring her mother if she wanted to. A few days before the "party", mil calls to let me know that aunt so and so couldn't come, but aunt and uncle somebody would be there, but they would be late. And sil and cousin whomever would be there too.

 

WTH? :cursing: :banghead: :banghead:

Yep, my low key, grandparents only (and my sis) turned into a full blown party, because I then had to call my aunt and uncle and invite them, because I didn't want them finding out that they weren't invited when dh's family Obviously was. So I called up a couple of my friends to come over too, for moral support.

 

ETA: I feel your pain. really

[Mama Geek]

Dh and I had 1 Thanksgiving that we hosted while living fairly close to family. It was the first one in our new house. What we thought would be 5-7 people coming, ended up being 13 with some of them inviting themselves. Needless to say, it is unlikely that we will host Thanksgiving again at our house. By the way some of the people I had only met once or twice. Everything was fine, but my day was spent doing nothing other than getting ready and the next day was spent cleaning up. I barely had time to give my dd a hug and my dh managed to be sick so he was only a little help.

[Chris in VA]

With your family, dear Imp, I would be hesitant, too.

But in general, I don't mind more people, more connections, that sort of thing. I don't have a lot of extended family, nor am I interested in maintaining long-distance relationships with people I barely know, but I don't mind being contacted in a update kind of way, and if someone were in my city, I would be open to starting a more involved relationship.

 

Buuuut, I don't have a lot of looney tunes in my fam like you seem to.

[athena1277]

Do you think they will want to get together? It could be that they are just as uninterested as you are. I grew up in the same town as my cousins and hardly ever saw them except at my grandmother's yearly Christmas Eve dinner. Right now we live close to dh's brother and his family and only see them a couple times a year. We wouldn't mind seeing them more, but they don't seem interested, so we just let it go.

[Impish]

Part of it is def not wanting more of a connection to the extremely unpleasant Aunt. Wolf's not interested at all in any contact w/the cousin, so it's not just me thinking it's odd. He was very clear w/MIL that he didn't want this, but she went ahead and did it anyways.

 

As I said, they're obviously not someone MIL normally talks to...the fact that they didn't know that Wolf was married (or still married? He genuinely wasn't sure if they were questioning if he was married or had gotten divorced...he was asked, "Do you have a wife or something?") and that's not something MIL would keep secret, kwim?

 

We don't know them, even in an update sort of way. We feel like it's another instance of MIL cramming what she wants down our throats, rather than what we want.

 

And yeah, the looneys in the family tend to out number the 'normies', so getting more involved isn't appealing.

[Impish]

Do you think they will want to get together? It could be that they are just as uninterested as you are. I grew up in the same town as my cousins and hardly ever saw them except at my grandmother's yearly Christmas Eve dinner. Right now we live close to dh's brother and his family and only see them a couple times a year. We wouldn't mind seeing them more, but they don't seem interested, so we just let it go.

The cousin called, and yes, suggested getting together.

[ErinE]

Being from the southern US, this is extremely common in my family. "Oh, you're moving to absolutely the middle of nowhere. Your great-grandfather's brother's son had three daughters one of whom married into the Smith family. Her sister-in-law's daughter lives in an even smaller smaller town 2 hours from there. You should get together."

 

I've had cousins introduced to me were I'm still not certain we are in any way blood related. I've only rarely taken my mother up on the offer, but when I have met the random person, it makes for interesting and awkward conversation. Only once was it helpful. I was moving to an unfamiliar city and this person gave good suggestions on pros and cons of living in different areas.

[Impish]

Interesting!

[Hwin]

We've made relationships solely based on the fact that there were blood ties. People we never would have known. It's been good for us, though, since we're not that social, lol. It's given my lonely little 6yo many cousins his own age to play with, and I like to think I've been a friend to my SILs. My husband's family is dysfunctional in terms of adoption/birth parenting etc, but not toxic.

 

At first I found it weird, but now I understand why my husband took the steps to work on these relationships.

[Hwin]

I would add that they started to get to know each other first online, through playing Call of Duty etc and then our families started to interact.

[Parrothead]

Being from the southern US, this is extremely common in my family. "Oh, you're moving to absolutely the middle of nowhere. Your great-grandfather's brother's son had three daughters one of whom married into the Smith family. Her sister-in-law's daughter lives in an even smaller smaller town 2 hours from there. You should get together."

 

This happens in my family. We are spread out all over the place. And with my parents who lived all over it isn't limited to family. We were 30 miles from good friends of theirs and mom wondered why we didn't call on them.

 

I don't find it terribly weird, but in today's society one shouldn't expect too much from either side.

[Impish]

This happens in my family. We are spread out all over the place. And with my parents who lived all over it isn't limited to family. We were 30 miles from good friends of theirs and mom wondered why we didn't call on them.

 

I don't find it terribly weird, but in today's society one shouldn't expect too much from either side.

Yeah, we've gotten questioned as to why we don't contact a former student of MIL's, or teacher, etc. Folks that we have 0 connection to in any way, or that Wolf met once when he was 6.

 

Thanks for all the input!

[unsinkable]

I think the important thing is that you and wold think it is weird.

 

And if you roll that way, great.

 

I mean it would really stink if this thread convinced you to try to have a relationship with these people and it all went to crap. Because then you'd be all, " I KNEW better!"

KWIM?

[fairfarmhand]

I don't know.

 

I think it depends on the person. My MIL would love to get together with relatives that she'd never met just to talk about mutual acquaintances, but she's the type to keep track of who's related to who and how and keep up with all that stuff. She'd happily lived on the same street as her whole family for her whole life if my FIL would let her.

 

She's just a very social person and probably thinks that my dh and I are strange that we don't know our neighbors and extended family get togethers are not the center of our lives.

[Impish]

Hmmm. Maybe it's a generational thing?

[fairfarmhand]

Hmmm. Maybe it's a generational thing?

 

I would think that too.

[Acorn]

very common in dh's and my families, especially when traveling abroad. By all accounts everyone has been gracious and generous people. I think that people are striving to find connections and meaning in the world.

[KRG]

My mil found out that my husband's great aunt(on his dad's side) lived in the next town over. My husband has not seen this woman since he was a child--they pretty much had never had a relationship. He said they were always mean to him when he was a kid and he loathed seeing them for the holidays. My mil decided to give this woman all of our contact information and sent her copies of pictures of our kids. Too say we were pissed was an understatement! We have never heard from her thankfully.

 

My mil has NPD also. She lives 800 miles from us and has now cutoff all contact with all of her children. We get updates from her sister(my husband's nice aunt :) ) and she says that she is as crazy as ever and constantly stirring things up--especially at churches because you know all the preachers are attracted to her and want to have an affair with her. She pulled that when she lived in TX, too. Yes, that's right all these preachers want a little something from an 84 year old crazy woman. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.

[bobbeym]

The cousin called, and yes, suggested getting together.

 

So you meet up with the cousin once for lunch or coffee or something, and then from that point forward you just happen to be busy or have made other plans whenever they call. At some point, hopefully, they'll get the message that you and Wolf aren't interested in pursuing a familial relationship with them.

 

My mom has a cousin that manages a history museum in my little small town. Neither one of us have ever met him, and in fact, I've never even visited the museum.

[Truscifi]

I get this from my parents too. And not just about family. They have friends all over the South, so pretty much anywhere we go they know someone. It has actually been nice a couple of times on vacations to get advice from locals about where to stay, where to eat, etc.

 

ETA - My family is crazy in a more acceptable way. I might be more hesitant in your situation.

[Impish]

 

So you meet up with the cousin once for lunch or coffee or something, and then from that point forward you just happen to be busy or have made other plans whenever they call. At some point, hopefully, they'll get the message that you and Wolf aren't interested in pursuing a familial relationship with them.

 

My mom has a cousin that manages a history museum in my little small town. Neither one of us have ever met him, and in fact, I've never even visited the museum.

We've no intention of meeting up w/the cousin at all.

 

There are a few reasons:

 

One, we just aren't interested in dealing w/any more of Wolf's extended family. W/the sole exception of one cousin, Wolf doesn't enjoy spending time w/any of them, and never has.

 

Two, we've successfully avoided any contact w/the aunt that questioned Tazzie's paternity. This is her dd, and she would *absolutely* be included in any meet up. No thanks.

 

Three, once again, MIL ignored us and did as she pleased. Going through w/a meet, giving her what she wants, is only going to increase and encourage her in doing this sort of thing. Give an inch, take a mile mentality. We go once, and she'll harrass us to go again and again, and again.

 

Basically, it's a bucket of crazy that we're not willing to open.

[Catwoman]

Imp, there will never be any normal in Wolf's family until his mother moves to Jupiter. I was going to say Venus, but I think that's probably still a little too close. ;)

 

She's a nut, and there's no cure for her kind of crazy.

[idnib]

nm

[Impish]

Sad thing is, Cat...they're all kinda...nuts.

 

W/the exception of the one cousin, it's a facinating display of crazy, if you're not involved.

 

I mean...

 

MIL's brother was convicted of disgusting things against his daughters. And has been recently dx'd w/Alzheimers

The sister I mentioned questioned Tazzie's paternity, repeatedly and at length.

Other brother, he also should be dx'd w/Alzheimer's, about 10 yrs ago, wife's covered for him, only now, when the man can't remember if he likes potatoes, is starting to admit he may have an issue.

Brother that married us is married to a raging N. I mean, this chick would throw herself on the kitchen floor, literally kicking and screaming, when her kids were teens and refusing to do what she wanted. And threaten to throw herself in front of a train.

 

All of the cousins, w/the one exception, seem to have inherited some of the drama/crazy gene. (and I'm not talking about Alzheimer's, they were all rather nuts before that, according to agreed upon family history).

 

I've no idea what happened growing up, Playing in a toxic waste dump, eating lead paint chips for snacks or what. But they're all...not normal.

[LMD]

I get it. It takes more than shared blood to make family. My mother has a fit because I won't travel hours to visit family that I haven't heard from in years. They never ever call me, visit me, write to me etc. but I'm the bad guy because I won't keep in touch? Apparently we're only family if it says so on facebook :glare: I actually like most of them well enough, I did try to keep in touch with some of them, they couldn't be bothered, so I stopped trying, got my own life to worry about. The latest blow up between my mother and myself was because I decided to visit my own friend, instead of parade my children in front of her visiting friend... *sigh*

[Impish]

Part of Wolf's reluctance is that there IS no shared blood, and that's something that he was always (and is always) reminded of whenever extended family is around.

[KrissiK]

Yeah, Dh's cousin lives in a town near his company's headquarters. So, when DH flies out, it's been suggested (though my in-laws are not pushy) that he go see B. He doesn't even know B, since they grew up half a country apart. So, he doesn't see her. It would just be a little awkward. What do you talk about? I don't see your situation as unusual.

[bobbeym]

All of the cousins, w/the one exception, seem to have inherited some of the drama/crazy gene. (and I'm not talking about Alzheimer's, they were all rather nuts before that, according to agreed upon family history).

 

I've no idea what happened growing up, Playing in a toxic waste dump, eating lead paint chips for snacks or what. But they're all...not normal.

 

Poor Imp and Wolf to have to deal with all that! No wonder you don't want anything to do with any of them. I don't think I would either.

 

DH has some aunts and uncles that relish the drama to an extreme. And then there's that one that always seems to be everywhere you don't want her to be.

 

So yeah, I get it. I really do.

[Hoot]

The cousin called, and yes, suggested getting together.

 

 

I find that just as weird as the MIL who set this whole thing into motion. If someone in my family told me that some distant relative that I had no connection with lived in the same town as me, I wouldn't just call them up out of the blue and invite them to hang out. I would politely ignore the comment and move on with my life.

[Mama Geek]

This is totally different than what you guys are talking about, but several years ago we got a call out of the blue from someone with the same last name as dh's, it is a pretty uncommon name. There were traveling and they always tried to look up someone in the phonebook with their same last night to get together with for an evening. They were into family history and I don't even remember if there was ever any connection figured out. We had a nice evening discussing a little bit of family history, but we talked about raising kids, work, just life in general. They were nice people and we have never heard from them again, just interesting.

 

It would have been a much different scenario had it been set up by someone else in our family though.

[annandatje]

Re: Is it weird ....

 

In the family culture of my childhood, you were expected to "meet up" with relatives if they were passing through your town. If they were blood relatives, you were expected to host them overnight in your home unless they already had family in the area; it was considered rude to expect them to stay in paid lodging. The children would sleep on pallet in living area to give their room/s to overnight guests.

 

The term "relative" was used loosely. There were maybe a dozen surnames in the area (exaggeration). For instance, to my dad, our "kinfolk" included non-blood relatives such as aunts' and uncle's ex spouses' children from a prior marriage. Relatives also encompassed all your blood relatives spouse's distant relatives. It was a "more the merrier" situation.

 

Extended family living was the norm. If the oldest sibling moved to a big city for work, he/she would pave the way for the other siblings. Paving the way meant that you would help familiarize your sib with the area and job opportunities and open your home to your sibling rent-free until they found work or while they were in school.

 

With increasing mobility and declining sense of community, those cultural standards are disappearing, and we are so far away now that it is not an issue. The nostaglic part of me finds it a little sad. Personally we've held onto the culture but implemented the open-home concept differently by having siblings live with us, by offering respite housing to young people with chaotic homelifes (befriended by our kids), by opening our home to people working on behalf of national organizations that we support, and in other ways. Currently I miss semi-communal living.

 

Imp, regarding the cousin in your city, I'd understand your declining because of the backstory, but what if she were a wonderful person who was nothing like her mother? You would have missed the opportunity for a new friend. I would not want to be pre-judged based upon a jerk parent. If she was not to your liking, well, you could always be busy, and she would eventually stop contacting you.

[Impish]

It's not just the parent...it's the seeming family dynamic that gets invoked when Wolf is present. It never fails that a remark is made about him being adopted, not really being _____, etc. Also, aunt we want nothing to do w/would almost certainly be part of the meet, that's already been mentioned. No thanks.

 

And again, part of it is enforcing a boundary w/MIL as well. We said no. Respect that. If we do go for one meet, then it's going to be a litany of calls wanting to know why we haven't done it again yet, blah blah blah.

 

Frankly, I don't have the time or the energy to deal w/that.