if someone lashes out at you......

[HappyLady]

Let's say someone close to you lashed out at you and was really mean and hurtful, but you suspected it was because they were hurting about something that had nothing to do with you, do you let it go or do you still expect an apology?

 

I tried posting my situation on there the other day like 3 times and each time it didn't post so I'm taking it as a sign not to bother. :lol: But I'm really struggling with this.

 

Long story short, my sister got really upset with me over something absolutely ridiculous and was being very unreasonable. My sister and I don't fight (only because I'm sick of doing it with her so I've just learned to keep my mouth shut), but we got into a big one the other day. I kept telling her to take her frustrations out on someone else because I didn't deserve it. I suspected her behavior was from her being upset about our mom moving out-of-state (she's close with our mom, I'm not) and the fact that our mom's new boyfriend proposed to our mom in front of my sister. My sister isn't one to act hurt or upset, but I'm sure she could be by all of this which is why I was just letting her lash out at me until she just started getting to my breaking point.

 

I told my sister basically to knock it off and she wouldn't. She kept going on and on. Finally I told her if she didn't stop she'd be right where our my is with me (basically a non-existent relationship). She told me to threaten her and said good-bye to me and that was it. We haven't spoken now in almost a week.

 

My sister and I are both stubborn so I don't see either one of us making the first move, but I don't feel I should be the one to apologize in any way, shape, or form because I just sat there and took it from her when it wasn't deserved. I tried ending the conversation several times and she kept it going. I warned her and it apparently sent her over the edge.

 

My DH sees both sides, as do I. She's hurting, I'm sure. But why take it out on me? And am I just suppose to let her say mean and hurtful things to me and then act like we're fine?? I'm hurting now, too.

 

WWYD in a situation like this?

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

By "expect an apology," are you meaning that you will have no relationship with her at all until she apologizes? Because if so, that's just not right.

 

Of course, since y'all are sisters, you have a long history, so your reaction might not be the same as my reaction to a friend who acts that way. I would probably let things rest for awhile and see how things go next time we met, or I might even call her if I loved her biggie bunches and missed her. YMMV. :-)

[shanvan]

I would do nothing at the present time and occupy myself with some deep cleaning and de-cluttering, various home projects, listen to some good music, just focus on other things and keep busy. Then I'd reassess after I had some distance from the situation.

[LaxMom]

I think, when you lash out at someone just because you need a target, you need to apologize. I like to think that, on occasions that I do that, I am a big enough person to acknowledge it and make appropriate apologies.

 

However, I also know that people are (generally) loath to admit they were wrong or misdirected, so I probably wouldn't expect it.

[missiemick]

It depends on how much you value your relationship with your sister. Sometimes the relationship is more important than being right. It's up to you to decide that.

[Farrar]

In my experience, it's usually been that the lasher outer either has been harboring unspoken resentment or annoyance toward me that I had no clue about, so the issues run deep. Or, they've not just lashed out in the moment, but have seized on a chance to make someone "the bad guy" so it can't be resolved easily then either - once you're the scapegoat for all wrongs, it's hard to reason your way out of that, I've found.

 

But this is your sister, so hopefully you can work this out. I would certainly try harder than with anyone else and let more go than with nearly anyone else in the interest of making it right.

[Annie G]

Are you longing to talk to her or are you just fine without her? If you want to have her in your life, you could give it a bit of time and then call her and just start talking. Once she hears that you're not going to bring it back up, she'll probably apologize. If she was upset at your mom and took it out on you, it might be the only way she can deal with it. It's not fair to you, of course, but she might be doing the best she can.

It might be like when our kids lash out at us- we're the safe haven. Doesn't mean we're the real target of their hurt or frustration, but we're who they take it out on.

 

Sorry she did that- siblings can be odd creatures.

[Tammyla]

I hope you two can work this out. :grouphug:

 

 

In future, just leave the room, house, log-off or say good-bye and hangup the phone. It takes two people continue anything. ymmv

[SKL]

Honestly, it would be better if you had not given her an ultimatum. Of course you can't change that now, but you are the one who set this up so that just coming back together after a cool-off period would be harder.

 

Since it sounds like you really didn't mean you wanted to cut her off if she didn't hush right then and there, I think you should let her know that.

 

I might send her an email and say something like: "sorry we've both been through such a tough time lately. Last week I know we both said things we didn't mean. I hope you are feeling better." And then mention something you both would normally talk about, such as plans for an upcoming family event, or asking how something specific is going in her life. Close with your usual closing. Then just see what happens.

 

I would not expect a formal apology from a sister. And I'd give her a lot of grace when she's going through a tough time. You know it isn't personal, and some people just need to lash out at someone before they can get over themselves.

[Impish]

Being someone's chew toy sucks.

 

There's a diff btwn it being once in a blue moon thing, and a regular chew toy to take their anger out on.

 

I don't know which it is, but imo, you do have the right to request an apology, and to also set the boundary that this behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated in the future.

 

I mean, it *does* happen, even in the best of relationships that someone lashes out about something ridiculous. Wolf's done it, I've done it. And neither of us have a problem telling the other one off about it when it happens. And yeah, we apologize to each other.

 

I'm just mentioning it b/c Wolf and I have what I consider to be a good, healthy, functioning relationship, so this issue is absolutely one that can be worked out...if the person lashing out is willing to do so.

[Impish]

That's a really good way to put it "being someone's chew toy sucks". I felt like a chew toy. I don't feel forced to maintain a relationship with someone just because they happen to be related to me though.

It's how I put it to Wolf when he was lashing out at me. I knew *exactly* why he was doing it, and called him on it.

 

Now, all I have to say is, "I'm not your chew toy." and he pulls back, takes a breath, and we're able to deal w/whatever the actual issue is. And, it's become a rare occurance to start w/.

 

I honestly don't see how expecting an apology in this situation is a bad thing.

[HappyLady]

Being someone's chew toy sucks.

 

 

I love your way with words! You always make me laugh! :lol: But you're right, it does suck. And I've put up with it for far too long.

 

I can never seem to multi-quote on here so let me just say this, I don't want to cut my sister completely out of my life, especially because of our children. To be honest, her children are the only reason she isn't where my mom is with me today.

 

My whole life my mom and sister have treated me unfairly, even though I did everything for them. They always seem to forget that, especially now that I've put my foot down on everything. I certainly don't mind bending over @ss backwards for my family, but when all I get in return is them bad mouthing me to anyone who'll listen, I'm not going to do it anymore.

 

It was mentioned that she probably lashed out because of pent up issues and I'm sure that's exactly right. See, for many years *I* was the one who did everything for our parents (my father had a stroke when I was 17 and my mom was useless so I basically took care of the whole family after that), but when it was my turn to have my own family and my own responsibility (I had kids later in life whereas my sister started having hers at 19) I had to put my foot down. After my father passed away my mom all of a sudden acquired all these health issues that required many doctor's visits and trips to the pharmacy. It also meant she couldn't shop for herself or do anything. I never believed any of it, but whatever. Because I had small kids at home and because I was sick of doing everything for everyone, I couldn't/wouldn't run our mom to every appointment and everywhere she had to go so my sister was stuck doing it. My sister's kids are much older and her DH doesn't work so it was much easier for my sister to do all this, but she was still mad at me for not helping. Apparently she forgot the decade where she did nothing for our dad because she was at home with kids and I was using all my sick and vacation time at work to take care of him.

 

So while I don't want my sister out of my life, I do expect an apology, or at least it be her to initiate any kind of contact with me. I've been hurt and stepped on too many times by her and I had just had enough the other night, especially since it wasn't deserved.

 

And I should mention that it seems funny that since my mom has her boyfriend now, she no longer needs a walker to walk and can actually run around (I saw her doing it with my kids), her vertigo is gone, and she can get around and do whatever she needs to do on her own. :glare:

[8circles]

Being someone's chew toy sucks.

 

There's a diff btwn it being once in a blue moon thing, and a regular chew toy to take their anger out on.

 

I don't know which it is, but imo, you do have the right to request an apology, and to also set the boundary that this behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated in the future.

 

I mean, it *does* happen, even in the best of relationships that someone lashes out about something ridiculous. Wolf's done it, I've done it. And neither of us have a problem telling the other one off about it when it happens. And yeah, we apologize to each other.

 

I'm just mentioning it b/c Wolf and I have what I consider to be a good, healthy, functioning relationship, so this issue is absolutely one that can be worked out...if the person lashing out is willing to do so.

 

:iagree:I think you need to offer grace but you also have a responsibility to strive for a healthy relationship. Especially in the family, it affects more than just you if people are allowed to treat others badly by people "just letting it go".

[8circles]

In future, just leave the room, house, log-off or say good-bye and hangup the phone. It takes two people continue anything. ymmv

 

This isn't always true. I've been physically intimidated & blocked from walking away a few times. I don't think it's all that unusual for people who behave as described in the OP. I think this is one of the myths that go around that seem to hurt as much as they help. I know you put "ymmv" but I think that's an understatement.

[warneral]

I think family is worth showing grace and mercy over.

 

I think your response was harsh and therefore she is not the only one to owe an apology. She could now be angry that your love seems conditional

[Anne in CA]

Yes, it does sound like she has forgotten what you have done, it was many years ago and she probably does not remember it as a big deal. The fact that your mother is in good enough health for a courtship seems to me to be reason enough that you should not have ignored your young children to serve her constantly. I would sympathize with your sister.

 

My approach would be, "I know how you feel, I spent 10 years taking care of dad and nobody noticed or helped. I totally get it. I don't deserve to be yelled at, because I did my time, but I do understand your frustration." Empathy goes a long way. If empathy does not fix a situation I generally don't try anymore and leave the ball in the other person's court.

[Tammyla]

I'm so sorry I never meant it that way, and now I feel awful.

 

I'm teary and tired (pms'ing) this morning and well, I apologize profusely.

 

 

This isn't always true. I've been physically intimidated & blocked from walking away a few times. I don't think it's all that unusual for people who behave as described in the OP. I think this is one of the myths that go around that seem to hurt as much as they help. I know you put "ymmv" but I think that's an understatement.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Tammyla

[8circles]

I'm so sorry I never meant it that way, and now I feel awful.

 

I'm teary and tired (pms'ing) this morning and well, I apologize profusely.

 

Oh Tammy! It is I who needs to apologize. Please don't be upset. I didn't mean for my comment to be so scathing. I'm sorry. There are times when your comment applies - I think you meant it to be helpful and that comes across. Again, please don't be upset. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I didn't realize it would come across that way.:grouphug:

[Impish]

I think family is worth showing grace and mercy over.

 

I think your response was harsh and therefore she is not the only one to owe an apology. She could now be angry that your love seems conditional

I'm honestly confused by this statement.

 

How is refusing to allow someone to continue to treat you badly harsh or making love conditional?

 

I really don't see how expecting someone to not use you as their own personal chew toy and refusing to take their lashing out as being in the wrong.

[8circles]

I think family is worth showing grace and mercy over.

 

I think your response was harsh and therefore she is not the only one to owe an apology. She could now be angry that your love seems conditional

 

Never did the OP say she would love her sister. Love does NOT equal letting people treat you badly.

[nono]

Yes, it does sound like she has forgotten what you have done, it was many years ago and she probably does not remember it as a big deal. The fact that your mother is in good enough health for a courtship seems to me to be reason enough that you should not have ignored your young children to serve her constantly. I would sympathize with your sister.

 

My approach would be, "I know how you feel, I spent 10 years taking care of dad and nobody noticed or helped. I totally get it. I don't deserve to be yelled at, because I did my time, but I do understand your frustration." Empathy goes a long way. If empathy does not fix a situation I generally don't try anymore and leave the ball in the other person's court.

 

Like this approach! Your sister may be feeling extra burned by your Mom right now, not just hurt. You may be the one person who can truly understand. Despite how your family has treated you, you extending some empathy first may, just may, pay huge dividends to you too. Ask me how I know. (I have a sister. 'nuff said. ;) )

[SKL]

I'm honestly confused by this statement.

 

How is refusing to allow someone to continue to treat you badly harsh or making love conditional?

 

I really don't see how expecting someone to not use you as their own personal chew toy and refusing to take their lashing out as being in the wrong.

 

 

OP said this: "Finally I told her if she didn't stop she'd be right where our my [mother?] is with me (basically a non-existent relationship). She told me [not?] to threaten her and said good-bye to me and that was it."

 

There are better ways to tell someone that you will not permit them to verbally abuse you, without going so far as to threaten cutting off the relationship. Of course when you're in the thick of things, the wisest words rarely come to mind.

 

I think the above comment by the OP was regrettable and ought to be taken back. In my experience, digging in and demanding an apology, on top of making an unretracted statement like that, is very unlikely to have the desired results.

 

Things have occasionally gotten ugly with my siblings in the past, and it's normally me who takes the first step toward peace. Usually I will look for anything that could give me an excuse to express "soft words" after the fact. Soft words are the best remedy IME.

[justLisa]

*Chew toy* that's so funny.

 

I keep to very very small talk with my sister. I won't even make this about me but she is the way she is and that is that. I just know I am in a totally different place. She has no children, grew up much later, doesn't know when to NOT say something. I have already gone through that. In a sense I feel like I semi parent a teenager because she is still in that stage.

 

It depends if you want a relationship with her. If you do you are going to have to be the adult. Show empathy. Take her off the defense with your response.

[HappyLady]

OP said this: "Finally I told her if she didn't stop she'd be right where our my [mother?] is with me (basically a non-existent relationship). She told me [not?] to threaten her and said good-bye to me and that was it."

 

There are better ways to tell someone that you will not permit them to verbally abuse you, without going so far as to threaten cutting off the relationship. Of course when you're in the thick of things, the wisest words rarely come to mind.

 

I think the above comment by the OP was regrettable and ought to be taken back. In my experience, digging in and demanding an apology, on top of making an unretracted statement like that, is very unlikely to have the desired results.

 

Things have occasionally gotten ugly with my siblings in the past, and it's normally me who takes the first step toward peace. Usually I will look for anything that could give me an excuse to express "soft words" after the fact. Soft words are the best remedy IME.

 

I know my statement sounds harsh (and believe me, it's not how I am AT ALL) but I've spoken "soft words" to her my whole life. It's gotten me nowhere. She was being unreasonable and threatening to throw away childhood memories of mine (that I didn't know were there originally because my mom had them put away somewhere) and that really hurt. She knows I don't have many memories from my childhood (our mom rarely kept anything and any videos we had of happy times were erased because my mom "had" to tape Oprah..... Springer.....).

 

So, after years of being walked all over by my mom and sister I had had it. And to hurt me by saying you're going to throw away memories I'd kill for because I won't come down there and empty out a dresser that was full of our mom's junk ONLY BECAUSE I used the dresser 15 YEARS AGO (yes, that's what started the fight) is unacceptable to me. I couldn't have done it even if I wanted to. My DH was working late and my kids were going to bed. There was just no way to get down there and take 5 drawers and dump the contents into a garbage bag. She just couldn't have done that?? She insisted the junk was mine, but it WASN'T.

 

She said many other hurtful things so believe me, me threatening to reduce the part she has in my life was a long time coming and quite appropriate given our history.

[MomatHWTK]

If you want a relationship, you'll have to choose to apologize and mend the break. From your previous post, it would appear that you are still feeling upset and aren't willing to do so. It's doubtful your sis feels any different. You know who she is and how she's been in the past. She's probably not going to suddenly become a different person. KWIM? It will be up to you to decide what it is you want as far as the future with this person.

 

It may be possible once you mend this issue that you can change the dynamic going forward, but I wouldn't expect the other person to change on their own.

Edited November 7, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[Joanne]

I told my sister basically to knock it off and she wouldn't. She kept going on and on. Finally I told her if she didn't stop she'd be right where our my is with me (basically a non-existent relationship). She told me to threaten her and said good-bye to me and that was it. We haven't spoken now in almost a week.

 

Just FYI, this is not a good boundary. Telling someone else what to do isn't a boundary. Saying "If the yelling doesn't stop, I am leaving" is a boundary.

 

To answer your question, if you make a mistake in human interactions, you should apologize. I had an interaction with a client a few weeks ago in a group. I was "right" in what I was saying, but not how I handled it. I came back at his next group to apologize.

 

In your situation, witholding interaction for an apology is manipulative. It is also unlikely to produce an authentic apology.

 

Either have a relationship with her, or not. But I don't think your approach is going to change or mature her.

[eternalknot]

If you want a relationship, you'll have to choose to apologize and mend the break. From your previous post, it would appear that you are still feeling upset and aren't willing to do so. It's doubtful your sis feels any different. It will be up to you to decide what it is you want as far as the future with this person.

 

:iagree:

 

You need to decide which is more important: your relationship or your holding ground on this particular event/situation.

 

Prioritizing your relationship doesn't mean you need to lay (lie? I should probably know which is correct but I don't :tongue_smilie:) yourself down as her perpetual doormat. It can mean that you forsake the battle for the war, perhaps by reaching out first and starting the dialogue. "Hey, Sis. I get that you were/are pretty upset by Mom's news. If I liked her half as much as you did, I'd probably feel the same way about it. I hope you know I'm here for you, if you need to work that out. But I'm not cool with you crapping all over me like you did the other day. I know it wasn't your intention to, but you totally hurt my feelings. {insert x.y.z about the ultimatum to claim childhood memories on an impossible timeframe} I'm hoping you were just fresh in the moment and reacting to the news, and not really trying to push me away. In fact, I'm pretty sure you were just releasing that frustration with Mom so I want you to know that I'm just ready to pretend that whole situation didn't happen so we can move forward. But we really do need to move forward. Let's not let the petty crap come between us, our family should mean more than that."

 

And you put the ball in her court. You don't apologize, but you recognize your part (and hers) in the whole situation. There's no need to blame anyone; it's a stressful situation all around, and people simply aren't rational when they are hurt or upset. It's pointless to hold them accountable as though they (and sometimes we) were or are.

 

Or you decide that you've had enough of her dramatics over the years, and this is the hill you're going to die on. And you can still reach out first without compromising your belief that you're entitled to hold on to your pain WRT your sister's latest manipulation. You say, "Hey Sis. I understand you're having a hard time dealing with Mom's news but that doesn't give you permission to run ramshod over my emotions. I hope one day I can forgive that you asked the impossible of me, knowing how much those memories mean to me. I love you, and I hope some time apart will help us both to realize we're better off supporting each other than we are tearing the other down."

 

It sounds like you feel you've been their doormat for some time. I hope you find the middle ground where you're able to assert yourself without stooping to their level (willing to risk the relationship to be right). If you feel you need to isolate from your sister, truly consider how you can do so (self-preservation is important, for sure) without burning any bridges. It's not easy, but it can be done and it may be even more worthwhile than the alternative.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I would do nothing at the present time and occupy myself with some deep cleaning and de-cluttering, various home projects, listen to some good music, just focus on other things and keep busy. Then I'd reassess after I had some distance from the situation.

 

:iagree:

 

Are you sure you really want a relationship with her? After reading all of your posts here, she sounds pretty toxic.

 

 

I'm honestly confused by this statement.

 

How is refusing to allow someone to continue to treat you badly harsh or making love conditional?

 

I really don't see how expecting someone to not use you as their own personal chew toy and refusing to take their lashing out as being in the wrong.

 

:iagree:

 

I think Bean needs to stand up for herself and not put up with her sister's attitude. She took care of their father and her sister got stuck dealing with their mom's health problems (or imaginary health problems -- sounds like the jury is still out!) As far as I'm concerned, that sounds pretty fair to me.

 

I don't believe in accepting poor treatment from anyone, and IMO, nastiness from a family member is a greater offense than the same treatment from anyone else. I wouldn't deal with a sister who was mean and resentful, even if that meant not getting to spend time with her kids. I'm not willing to deal with someone who doesn't respect me enough to treat me kindly.

 

If this was a one-time offense, I would be saying something completely different, but this is part of a long history, and the buck has to stop somewhere.

[kalanamak]

I have never based forgiveness or future relationship on the presence or absence of an apology. Possibly the effect (or cause) of this is that I have had a tiny handful of apologies in my life.

 

My childhood family was big on actions as apologies. Quietly doing something extra for someone, and we all knew what it was about/meant. My current family I'm trying to teach my son to be more vocal about it, because I think the rest of the world expects it. Hubby and I just have tough hides, and move along without mulling it over. It is one of the things we have in common. The past is the past. Let the dead bury their dead. I'm much more interested in future behavior than a few words now.

Edited November 8, 2012 by kalanamak

[TranquilMind]

It depends on how much you value your relationship with your sister. Sometimes the relationship is more important than being right. It's up to you to decide that.

 

This.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Long story short, my sister got really upset with me over something absolutely ridiculous and was being very unreasonable.

 

I told my sister basically to knock it off and she wouldn't. She kept going on and on. Finally I told her if she didn't stop she'd be right where our my is with me (basically a non-existent relationship). She told me to threaten her and said good-bye to me and that was it.

 

Okay, so I hope I am understanding this situation correctly. Your sister was complaining, and then she got upset about something. She kept on about the issue and you kept asking her to stop. She didn't listen to your requests and kept going. You lost your temper and threatened to cut her out of your life, just as you have done with your mother. Your sister then got upset and left. Is that a correct assessment of the situation?

 

If it is correct then this is my advise - you should call her. To her, I suspect, the issue was not unreasonable. To her is was a Big Deal and your viewing it as a non-issue was upsetting and invalidating. When she kept at it, you "blew up" and threatened her with leaving. So she left rather than keep fighting.

 

Not that I'm saying her possible view is valid, but I'm saying that is how she might view the issues.

 

Why would I be the first to call? Because I'm the eldest and the peace maker. However, I would be strong in holding my views. I'd say something along the lines of "Look, I'm sorry we had a fight. This issue with the dresser, I don't attach as much importance to it as you do. I'm sorry I didn't hear you saying how important it is to you. You're my sister and I love you. Can we work out a compromise about the dresser?"

 

To me that theoretical conversation is okay. You'd take your responsibility for your actions, but not take all the blame.

 

Now, if my first paragraph where in I tried to understand the situation is NOT correct them my advise may not be valid.