My teenagers are going to drive me insane! Need advice.

[justamouse]

I see many of you are not experienced with supporting a young man in this situation.

 

:lol::lol:

 

 

no, wait...

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[amy g.]

:lol::lol:

 

 

no, wait...

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

 

Yup!

[justLisa]

:lol::lol:

 

 

no, wait...

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

That just made me choke on my coffee:lol:

 

SERIOUSLY OP, I really hope I can handle teens the way you do. I hope to not be in the situation where I have to worry about a child acting this way, but you seem like such a good mom. SO carrying and doing everything you can, while at the same time not fostering sheer and utter laziness.

[RoughCollie]

.

Edited October 27, 2012 by RoughCollie

[TravelingChris]

RC, I do think you are a good mother in a tough spot. Please take care of your health. This additional stress cannot be good for you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

.

Edited October 27, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I just want to chime in as one more mother-of-sons who thinks you are doing a good job, RoughCollie.

 

:grouphug:

[Merry]

:grouphug: You are a great mom for being there for all your children, not just your DS1.

[Impish]

Honey, this is NOT an ok way to live. Seriously. Mentioning he HIT YOU ticks HIM off? That boy is da*n lucky he wasn't ARRESTED.

 

You, and the rest of your family do not deserve to live this way. At all.

[RoughCollie]

I thank you all again for your support and advice. I told DH about this and he was really touched by it and adds his thanks.

[NorthwestMom]

RC, I do think you are a good mother in a tough spot. Please take care of your health. This additional stress cannot be good for you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

I completely agree with TransientChris.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

You, and the rest of your family do not deserve to live this way. At all.

 

It was very peaceful in our home this summer, when DS1 was at URI.

[TammyS]

Honey, this is NOT an ok way to live. Seriously. Mentioning he HIT YOU ticks HIM off? That boy is da*n lucky he wasn't ARRESTED.

 

You, and the rest of your family do not deserve to live this way. At all.

 

:iagree: And will even add that it sounds like he might be so far around the bend that getting arrested might just be a good thing for him.

[TammyS]

I'm not quoting your posts, because you requested not to....but I just want to say that I don't understand how in the world he's reading your posts! After all his behavior, how is he getting internet access? I guess he could be going to the library or something, but I doubt he's going there with the intent of checking up on mom's WTM posts.

 

PLEASE, tell me you are not providing him with internet access at home.

[Impish]

I'm not quoting your posts, because you requested not to....but I just want to say that I don't understand how in the world he's reading your posts! After all his behavior, how is he getting internet access? I guess he could be going to the library or something, but I doubt he's going there with the intent of checking up on mom's WTM posts.

 

PLEASE, tell me you are not providing him with internet access at home.

:iagree:

Although, I get the feeling that RC's ds1 has been enough of a problem that the family has learned to placate, duck and cover in order not to provoke his wrath.

 

That's not a criticism, RC :grouphug: That's a really common reaction to someone that can become violent.

[justamouse]

RC :grouphug:.

 

I so know. So been there. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

In my opinion, there are two ways you can parent an 18 year old: let them make their own decisions/mistakes (while providing appropriate guidance and support) and own their own consequences, or be the one in charge and dictate their decisions, letting them make their own decisions only about inconsequential things that don't really matter that much to the parents.

 

Needless to say, I am not in the camp of the second option.

 

RC, you're doing a great job.

 

Tara

[Joanne]

In my opinion, there are two ways you can parent an 18 year old: let them make their own decisions/mistakes (while providing appropriate guidance and support) and own their own consequences, or be the one in charge and dictate their decisions, letting them make their own decisions only about inconsequential things that don't really matter that much to the parents.

 

Needless to say, I am not in the camp of the second option.

 

RC, you're doing a great job.Tara

 

Given her options, I agree with the bold.

 

{{{RC}}}

[justLisa]

:iagree:

Although, I get the feeling that RC's ds1 has been enough of a problem that the family has learned to placate, duck and cover in order not to provoke his wrath.

 

That's not a criticism, RC :grouphug: That's a really common reaction to someone that can become violent.

 

Ugh and that is so unfair for the rest of them. I have so much respect for her though. How does a mother deal with that? It must be agonizing and heart breaking.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

:grouphug::grouphug: RC, my mom is about 12 years ahead of you on this journey and while things have been better for the past 9 months or so, I constantly live in fear that the next crises caused by one of my brothers is right around the corner. I know if she could give you advise, it would be to let him fail *now* and not bail him out. He needs to learn that his choices have consequences and it's better to learn that at 18 than at 30. (Things have been better these past few months because after counseling she decided to kick one brother out and let him reap what he had sown. He hit bottom, got help, and is now doing great. The other brother, while not a financial drain on my mom, still has lots of issues that are emotionally taxing for her.)

[Laura in CA]

I just want to chime in as one more mother-of-sons who thinks you are doing a good job, RoughCollie.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Honey, this is NOT an ok way to live. Seriously. Mentioning he HIT YOU ticks HIM off? That boy is da*n lucky he wasn't ARRESTED.

 

You, and the rest of your family do not deserve to live this way. At all.

 

:iagree:

[MomatHWTK]

There are steps that he could take that would probably make his life go much smoother. (BTDT) But given the law and his age, he will have to seek out those steps on his own. I'm sorry. It's a hard road for anyone at any age when they have an issue that needs attention yet that issue itself prevents them from seeking what they need. :grouphug:

 

I don't want to post much per your request, but PM me if you want details of what we've experienced.

Edited October 26, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[regentrude]

:grouphug:, RC.

I won't quote - but his behavior is completely unacceptable. You should not have to be afraid of your teenage son.

I have no advice what to do about your son, but may I suggest that YOU get some counseling for yourself, to help you deal with this situation?

Edited October 26, 2012 by regentrude

[elegantlion]

I'm not quoting your posts, because you requested not to....but I just want to say that I don't understand how in the world he's reading your posts! After all his behavior, how is he getting internet access? I guess he could be going to the library or something, but I doubt he's going there with the intent of checking up on mom's WTM posts.

 

PLEASE, tell me you are not providing him with internet access at home.

 

One of her children used her account earlier this year when RC has health issues. They were great about keeping us updated on her health. I'm not sure which ds it was though.

 

If he's in college, he may need Internet to do his work.

 

RC, :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I am sorry for you and your dh. Your child with so much promise is throwing so much away. I do think you have done your best to keep to the middle ground. I would suggest he could have a tent or a yurt in the back yard so you didn't have to throw him out? Clearly you can't be his servant and support him and clearly he is going to say whatever he needs to to buy time and do as he wants.

 

My big worry is that if you do throw him out in his current state he will break a law of some sort and be saddled with a criminal record as well as his bad attitude. Of course, you should throw him out if you really need to. His behavior is out of control and he needs some sort of wake up call, but I don't know what you could do that would really fix him. In Portland I see a huge population of highly intelligent young people that seem entirely happy to live on the street so I am not sure that throwing him out will straighten him up.

[Pink Fairy]

I'm sorry. My brother put my parents through hell, I can remember looking from the outside in and thinking that they were crazy. Now that I have my own kids I can see how it doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual slide into the abyss.

 

Thanks for sharing so much with us, I feel like I'm learning a lot from you and I agree with everyone else--you are an awesome mom. :grouphug: Someday your son will figure that out. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I can't cosign any loans. Still paying back the $100K heart attack bill - no insurance at the time.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: I just wanted to say I think you are doing a fantastic job covering all your bases with your son. Ultimately you can only give him information, encourage him to make the right decisions ( and I don't mean the decisions you would necessarily make either) and then you have to let go and let him find his way.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it..says the scriptures. If only we knew when the "old" part kicked in.

 

:iagree: I think RC is a fantastic mother. As someone else mentioned he is just spewing on those he knows will not abandon him (he doesn't know this consciously of course). It is hard to take, but I think RC is doing the best she can.

 

:iagree:

[Denisemomof4]

I don't see the OP doing this at all. I see her telling her son that dropping out and having a nebulous plan that won't move him forward is not acceptable, especially when he expects them to foot the bill.

 

Tara

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:Absolutely.

 

HeidiHo, have you read all of RC's responses?

 

What if your son was in college, wanted to drop out, wanted you to provide him with a car and $300 per month?

 

I really don't understand why you say she's kicking him whike he's down all day every day. Totally baffles me.

 

And while I'm so glad things have worked out so far for you and your ds, there ARE kids out there who WILL NOT ALLOW the parents to help, who refuse to do anything at all, and shockingly, it is a KID issue, NOT a parent issue.

[Denisemomof4]

RC, I do think you are a good mother in a tough spot. Please take care of your health. This additional stress cannot be good for you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm really concerned about your health as well.

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree:

Although, I get the feeling that RC's ds1 has been enough of a problem that the family has learned to placate, duck and cover in order not to provoke his wrath.

 

That's not a criticism, RC :grouphug: That's a really common reaction to someone that can become violent.

 

:iagree: i have BTDT.

 

RC, if your son has EVER laid a hand on you, your dh needs to kick him out. Period.

 

I also think it would be wise to make him leave for the health of you and your dh both as well as the sanity of your other kids. I really worry about the affects of him on the rest of you. I have BTDT as a sibling of the troubled one AND as a parent living in that hellish prison.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

If you want to talk, I will gladly lend an ear.

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[justLisa]

:iagree: i have BTDT.

 

RC, if your son has EVER laid a hand on you, your dh needs to kick him out. Period.

 

I also think it would be wise to make him leave for the health of you and your dh both as well as the sanity of your other kids. I really worry about the affects of him on the rest of you. I have BTDT as a sibling of the troubled one AND as a parent living in that hellish prison.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

If you want to talk, I will gladly lend an ear.

 

The bolded is me. This brings up a lot of feelings for me. My sister made my life H*LL. She once stole my car in the middle of the night. My mother was so worried she would miss school she asked me to drive her. Yeah, I was 17 trying to be responsible and always do the right thing. I had to drive my sister who just stole my car in the middle of the night for a joy ride at the age of 15? Great.

[TranquilMind]

The hardest thing I have EVER done as a parent wasn't the laundry, the endless dishes, the tantrums, the sleepless nights.

 

It was watching my oldest self destruct after time and time again of good opportunities coming his way.

 

It was having to draw a line in the sand and tell him we could not support his choices, and he had to leave. It was wondering where he was eating, if he was warm--it was winter, sleeting, and I was up hours a night, every night, with far more anxiety than when the kids were babies.

 

However. After a crash and burn, he found his way around in the dark, and finally was able to stand up on his feet. He now calls me for advice. He calls to chat, to apologize for what he has turned away. He gets it.

 

He has two jobs, is getting responsible, and is going to school.

 

 

:grouphug: Hang in there, Mom.

 

Gosh, this post was terribly sad and wonderfully optimistic at the same time. I'm glad it got better. Just yesterday, a friend was telling me that they may come to the point of asking a 19 year old to leave, for the same kinds of reasons. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, stories like yours give them hope.

[RoughCollie]

I'm really concerned about your health as well.

 

Thank you, but no need. I am taking my meds and I feel fine physically.

[TranquilMind]

nestof3:

I've dealt with my share of this attitude. Our eldest said he felt like he was doing me a favor unloading the dishwasher. He said he didn't feel like it was his house anymore because he was a man. A man still eating our food, dirtying our dishes, sleeping in our house, on our health insurance, etc.

 

 

Oh, that's funny. ;) What's even funnier to me is that my 13 year old has started telling me that he is a man too. Ok, son...then do what men do. Say, "Here, Dad, let me get that for you." "Mom, how can I help you?" Sure, of course I will clean out the (whatever)."

 

Men act like men and do what needs to be done without being asked. Boys want people to do things for them. You can't have it both ways. :tongue_smilie: Privilege/Freedom without responsibility. Nope.

 

moved back home after college when I was figuring out whether to get certified to teach. I had a full-time job, did half the cleaning, and cooked half the dinners for my parents and me. I also bought the good to make the dinners. I paid my own bills and had company health insurance

 

Exactly.

[TranquilMind]

TaraTheLiberator: I agree wholeheartedly. My dd18 has a TUITION-FREE scholarship to the local university for her freshman year, and we are really having to sit on her to get her to even consider taking it. She's very haughty about where she will deign to go to school. She's interested in racking up $80,000 worth of loans to go to a small, private school about 50 minutes from here that is no better academically than the local university she could attend debt-free if she lived at home. It's maddening, but I have had to step out of the way and let her forge her own (if financially unwise) path.

 

Oh, wow. My sympathies. I wonder if we seemed like irrational creatures to our parents, when I read this kind of stuff. I can't ask; mine are long gone. But I do wonder. I always did do all my own financial legwork though.

 

 

My dd would do best to get a PTA from the community college and then complete her BS and see if graduate school was in the cards (to become a PT), but apparently the community college is beneath her. She told my mother (who got a nursing degree there) that the CC is for dumb people. You can imagine how pleased my mother was with this statement.

 

Yeah. I can imagine. It's all marketing, and it has been successful.

[TranquilMind]

Tara, does you dd understand that she cannot rack up $80,000 in debt without you and your dh cosigning until she is 24? Yes, she can get some loans, but it will be impossible to get all of them without your cooperation. Our oldest dd was unable to do this, and waited until she was 24 to start this process. We told her we would pay for CC, which in Oregon gets your credits transferred to any state university, but she wanted an expensive private school.

 

Given your posts about your dd I would not cosign a loan for her. Same for RC's son. A cosigned loan to someone who feels entitled is simply a gift.

 

I absolutely will NOT co-sign a loan. I can't imagine anything financially more risky, given our ages, nor is it my responsibility. I had no idea that this was expected if the student was under 24, or that the student was unable to get loans without parental approval.

[Denisemomof4]

The bolded is me. This brings up a lot of feelings for me. My sister made my life H*LL. She once stole my car in the middle of the night. My mother was so worried she would miss school she asked me to drive her. Yeah, I was 17 trying to be responsible and always do the right thing. I had to drive my sister who just stole my car in the middle of the night for a joy ride at the age of 15? Great.

 

My parents attacked me verbally and blamed me when my brother got fired from his job. He was showing up at work drunk or hung over, smacking up the cars (he worked at a car dealership) and actually sleeping on the job. I was friends with my brother's boss (still am on FB, 30 years later) and he called me to tell me that if he didn't fire him, HE (my friend) would lose his job. The day he got fired my parents made me drive him to work, making me late to my own job. When he got fired and I got verbally attacked, it was so traumatizing for me that I left home that day and didn't speak to my parents at all for over a year. My BROTHER told me he didn't know why my parents were being so awful to me because I had nothing to do with it. My friends, God bless them, moved everything out of my parents house for me. I was a hysterical wreck.

 

it is ironic that now all these years later, I am being more of a parent to my brother than my parents ever were. I feel bad but I honestly think they were afraid of him. And I do believe he physically hurt them. One night while my dad was travelling, I honestly thought my brother was going to go after my mom so I stood in front of her. He threw me down a flight of stairs. He made holidays hell. He was taken out of the hospital by security two nights before my dad died. My parents just let him control them.

 

Well, i'm all he's got now. And I will NOT put up with his abuse. He never grew up and became responsible until my parents died. He needed a parent to step in and take charge. I am bitter sometimes that *I* need to do this, telling my 45 yeard old brother he needs a job. Yes, he has a mental illness, but I am absolutely positive that if my parents helped him to be more responsibkle, he would be better off now. They crippled him more than his mental illness did.

 

RC, I know it is very painful right now but I really believe the best thing you can do for your son is to enroll him in The School of Hard Knocks. He is smart and he will eventually figure things out. And this is the ONLY way he will realize what he really had at home and with his parents. He needs to make his way in life on his own. It may be hard but he will do it. I also think the rest of your family needs and deserves and peaceful life.

 

One final thing. I am certain my brother took years off my parent's lives. They died at 67 and 68 and were sick for a very long time before they died. This is a huge concern I have for you and your dh. Don't allow your son to do this to you. You can help him and support him but you do not need to be his victim.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you, but no need. I am taking my meds and I feel fine physically.

 

I'm talking about the stress and how it is affecting your and dh's health. :grouphug:

[MBM]

Your son sounds like he's still angry (sad) about having to move from Boston to PA. (I think I read that somewhere.)

 

Anyway, I think his ideas to study in Germany, possibly physics, in either Boston or Chicago are not altogether bad ideas. The problem is that he has to figure out how to do this and maybe he'll end up studying something different. Who knows?

 

One idea would be to move to Evanston, Illinois, just north of Chicago, and attend Northwestern U's night college. Although I don't think they offer a physics degree, they do offer a math degree and physics courses. During the day he could work at the university -- many of the jobs are fun and interesting, pay a decent salary and bennies are quite good. I have a friend who did this -- worked at NU during the day and took classes at night -- and got a math degree. It is not an NU degree but if your son kept at it and got to know people in the science department, it might not be that bad and could even lead to grad school somewhere -- maybe even Germany.

 

http://www.scs.northwestern.edu/program-areas/undergraduate/index.php

 

Employment opportunities:

 

http://www.northwestern.edu/hr/careers/

 

Evanston has about 70,000 people and is a fun place for a young person to live. It's an easy ride into Chicago on the Red Line or the Metra train. He could work and study during the week and then have fun in the city with his buddy during the weekends.

 

If you want more info, I'd be happy to help.

 

Good luck to all of you, Rough Collie. You all sound very frustrated.

 

:grouphug:

Edited October 26, 2012 by MBM
added a sentence

[RoughCollie]

I'm talking about the stress and how it is affecting your and dh's health. :grouphug:

 

I know. :) I haven't had to take a nitroglycerin pill. This is good news.

[OrdinaryTime]

You are obviously an amazingly patient, loving mom. I only hope I can be as calm and loving when my own are teens someday.

 

If your DH is more on board with laying down some boundaries, maybe you could pass on some of this daily interaction/guidance/decision-making talks on to him. Sometimes it can get hard for a teen boy to take anything from his mom anymore.

 

I currently have my 19 year old BIL living in my basement right now. He landed at our house after he starting selling drugs this summer as a way to pay for his $40,000 a year private college that he just hnad to go to, which was just the pinnacle of a long line of poor decisions. (I guess he was at least showing some initiative:001_huh:) Anyway, he needed to get out of my MIL's home, for her sanity and his. He has done much, much better under my husband's guidance than his mom's. He is passing his drug/alcohol tests (I am now realizing I may not be dealing with my kids' urine after potty traing:glare:), working a full time job, and going to CC now. I'm not sure exactly why, but he seems to take suggestion and then follow through much better from a male than female at this point.

 

Between my three younger brothers and my husband's four younger brothers, we've seemed to observe a time when it was more effective to have a male laying down the law with male teens. This isn't always possible if a dad isn't on board or isn't even there (hence why my BIL is in MY basement), and it certainly isn't always needed. Anyway, you might be doing that already, but I thought I would just throw it out there.

[Anne in CA]

I absolutely will NOT co-sign a loan. I can't imagine anything financially more risky, given our ages, nor is it my responsibility. I had no idea that this was expected if the student was under 24, or that the student was unable to get loans without parental approval.

 

What happens when a student is younger than 24 is that to qualify for financial aid and student loans the parents must do FAFSA with the kids and the award is based on that. Loans taken out do not have to be signed by parents, but you will only be given loans that are in accordance with the income of your parents. So a student will probably not be able to attend a private university without the parents either coming up with cash for the difference between what the government will loan you and what the actual cost is or cosigning a different sort of loan to make that happen.

 

When you are 24 it is assumed that you are too old for your dc to expect things from you and they are allowed to borrow to their heart's content.:glare:

[RoughCollie]

Sometimes it can get hard for a teen boy to take anything from his mom anymore.

 

DH works 7 days a week/12 hrs a day. He is a workaholic who takes about 3 days off a year. Always has. That's why I have to be so involved in parenting. I have begged DH to be home more (one day a week) for years, to no avail. We have helped him at the office, and he definitely does not want us there -- not because we aren't doing good work. He is there the same number of hours/days no matter how much work he has to do.

 

DH zooms in with his opinions, which are set in stone. He has a "gap year is a terrible idea" speech, which he gave to DS1 multiple times. DS1, and everyone else in the family, including DH, has heard why I think taking a gap year is a great idea.

 

DS1 said tonight that the reason he enrolled in CC this semester was that he didn't want to make his dad mad at him. Now, whether DS1 is manipulating us or not, I don't know. DS1 has never been very concerned about what we think of him, and he knows if he does something like take a gap year, DH will not be mad -- he will still think it is not a good idea, but he will not get mad about it.

 

DH has a lot of speeches. DS3 asked me tonight whether his dad had memorized all of them, because they are the same, word for word, every time. He does not listen, he pontificates. This isn't just about issues that come up with the kids -- he has speeches for every topic imaginable because he knows a lot about a lot of topics, and he has a memory like I've never seen anyone (except DS1) have. I told DS3 it may be that DH has a photographic memory, or something akin to that.

Edited October 27, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Hockey Mom]

My mother abandoned us when I was 16. My brother and I fended for ourselves for about a month before my dad found out. He immediately received custody of us, and we were flown from Florida to New Mexico. After a year of adjustments, he received orders that we were going to be stationed in England halfway through my senior year of high school. There was MUCH crying and gnashing of teeth on my part. I begged and pleaded not to leave my friends. I ended up in England.

 

Within 6 months, I was on a plane back to the states. I had $500 in my pocket (worked on base all summer). I flew back to New Mexico, where, much to my surprise, my "friends" had moved on with their lives, and I had no place to stay. Going back home was completely out of the question. As much as I loved England, I was going to be my own person!

 

I spent a year working minimum wage jobs, trying to save for college, but my wages barely covered the rent. Oh, yeah, I lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with four other people. I ate a LOT of ramen noodles. Eggs, bacon, and toast was a "holiday" breakfast for me and my roommates. Christmas dinner that year was chicken noodle soup from a can. It was awful, and I was homesick. But I was NOT going back home.

 

After the first year, the job morphed into a better job - radio. Which ultimately led me back to Florida.

 

College didn't get started until my mid 20s.

 

Had I stayed with my parents in England, I would have the comforts of home, but it wouldn't have been MINE. I could have gone to college while living with them, but in my mind I was 'cheating' because my parents would still be feeding and clothing me. I would have been able to keep my car...which was really my dad's car, and subject to being used as a consequence against me.

 

All this to say, sometimes you have to let your kids do what they're going to do. You have to let them fail. You have to let them celebrate Christmas dinner with a can of chicken noodle soup. You have to allow them to try to stand on their own. I am grateful that my parents were strong enough to let me go. It wasn't easy for them. They worried something fierce, but they supported my decision to try life on my own. I never moved back home, and I never asked them for money. I believed if I was going to do it, I was going all out with no one's help.

 

I believe the only difference between my situation, and the OP's DS, is that my parents told me what I could expect if I stayed (a home, food, school...their rules), and what I could expect on my own (they would fly me back home if I ever wanted to go back home again, but that was it). I went out into the world naive and idealistic, but I left on my terms, determined to prove that I could do it.

[Scarlett]

My mother abandoned us when I was 16. My brother and I fended for ourselves for about a month before my dad found out. He immediately received custody of us, and we were flown from Florida to New Mexico. After a year of adjustments, he received orders that we were going to be stationed in England halfway through my senior year of high school. There was MUCH crying and gnashing of teeth on my part. I begged and pleaded not to leave my friends. I ended up in England.

 

Within 6 months, I was on a plane back to the states. I had $500 in my pocket (worked on base all summer). I flew back to New Mexico, where, much to my surprise, my "friends" had moved on with their lives, and I had no place to stay. Going back home was completely out of the question. As much as I loved England, I was going to be my own person!

 

I spent a year working minimum wage jobs, trying to save for college, but my wages barely covered the rent. Oh, yeah, I lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with four other people. I ate a LOT of ramen noodles. Eggs, bacon, and toast was a "holiday" breakfast for me and my roommates. Christmas dinner that year was chicken noodle soup from a can. It was awful, and I was homesick. But I was NOT going back home.

 

After the first year, the job morphed into a better job - radio. Which ultimately led me back to Florida.

 

College didn't get started until my mid 20s.

 

Had I stayed with my parents in England, I would have the comforts of home, but it wouldn't have been MINE. I could have gone to college while living with them, but in my mind I was 'cheating' because my parents would still be feeding and clothing me. I would have been able to keep my car...which was really my dad's car, and subject to being used as a consequence against me.

 

All this to say, sometimes you have to let your kids do what they're going to do. You have to let them fail. You have to let them celebrate Christmas dinner with a can of chicken noodle soup. You have to allow them to try to stand on their own. I am grateful that my parents were strong enough to let me go. It wasn't easy for them. They worried something fierce, but they supported my decision to try life on my own. I never moved back home, and I never asked them for money. I believed if I was going to do it, I was going all out with no one's help.

 

I believe the only difference between my situation, and the OP's DS, is that my parents told me what I could expect if I stayed (a home, food, school...their rules), and what I could expect on my own (they would fly me back home if I ever wanted to go back home again, but that was it). I went out into the world naive and idealistic, but I left on my terms, determined to prove that I could do it.

 

Nowhere in this story do I hear that you made plans and did not follow through. THAT is the problem with RCs son. Or that you felt it was your parents responsibility to finance your dreams. Rc's son is angry, antsy, unhappy and has no sense of direction. She is NOT trying to keep him 'down'. She has been willing to support, financially as she can, and otherwise many of his ideas. HE is the oen who doesn't do the research to make them happen or to the work for the follow through.

 

Your story is really cool. I never had that kind of umpfh myself.....and I like to see it in a kid. But that is not what the problem with RCs son is....

[Hockey Mom]

Nowhere in this story do I hear that you made plans and did not follow through. THAT is the problem with RCs son. Or that you felt it was your parents responsibility to finance your dreams. Rc's son is angry, antsy, unhappy and has no sense of direction. She is NOT trying to keep him 'down'. She has been willing to support, financially as she can, and otherwise many of his ideas. HE is the oen who doesn't do the research to make them happen or to the work for the follow through.

 

Your story is really cool. I never had that kind of umpfh myself.....and I like to see it in a kid. But that is not what the problem with RCs son is....

 

I made a LOT of plans that I didn't follow through on. I put off college because my need to get back to the States was greater than my need to stay at home. The only way that was going to happen was for my parents to flat out tell me if I wanted to go, I had to fund it. Otherwise, I was subject to their house and their rules. If RC can find that "button" to push with this young man, to motivate him, then he will either do his own thing, or he will follow the advice of his parents.

 

I didn't read the entire thread, but RC, does he have to pay rent while he's living with you? My parents presented me with my monthly bills (written down, like a contract) once I turned 18. I was responsible for one quarter of the rent (which included utilities), the car insurance, gas, and a percentage of the food bill. I paid it to them, or I had 30 days to find a new place to live. I left home two months before my 18th birthday.