My teenagers are going to drive me insane! Need advice.

[Trish]

Dh joined the military because he just wanted to get on with life. School felt like stalling out. I guess I'd let him try whatever plan he's hatching. Maybe he'll pull it off. I would not, however, finance the plan.

 

:iagree:

[In The Great White North]

Dh joined the military because he just wanted to get on with life. School felt like stalling out. I guess I'd let him try whatever plan he's hatching. Maybe he'll pull it off. I would not, however, finance the plan.

 

Not a bad plan. He might even get to do something physicist-like.

[Giraffe]

My cousin lives in Munich and the job market there isn't very pretty for unskilled workers either. He needs to have an exit strategy should he head over there. Has he been following the news about the EU's economy?

[Denisemomof4]

Or a counselor could make a mess of things. Interview the counselor (I say this as a trained counselor, married to one, whose parents were both therapists). Our dd is in "Pre-pre marital" counseling (whatever the h*ll that is) and his counsel to her is that we are probably "nice" people but, while maybe not abusive, certainly neglectful of our children and that she shouldn't trust us. ("nice" but neglectful/abusive. Ohhhkaaaay....)

 

As my dh says, the American mental healthy system is the largest unreached people group in America. You can't COUNT on a counselor giving wise/sage counsel. Just saying.

 

SO true. Therapists can and do make things worse. Good therapists are out there, worth their weight in gold, and very hard to find.

[Lolly]

What would he do if you tried to help him find a way to go to Germany? I would be looking into volunteer organizations that do work overseas. You may have to come up with some money, but it would get him where he wants to be. He can try out that country and look further into how he is going to accomplish his goals. He can get a job here and now to help finance his trip. I wouldn't be fighting him on this. It is his life. He is an adult. I certainly wouldn't be paying him $300 a a month to do nothing though! If he goes and tries his plan and it doesn't work, he can always start back at the cc and continue on that track.

[yinne]

Just watched a documentary this weekend at the college my dd attends about slums -- he might want to rethink that plan. http://www.fourthworldfilm.com/

 

Yvonne in NE

[Garga]

These things popped into my head:

 

If he's mensa smart, he's been bored with school. Community college is often thought of as 13th grade, so no surprise that he's bored there, too.

 

I feel a little sorry for him being wrenched from a place he loved into a place he hates. No, he should not be grousing about it and blaming you for it. His finger pointing makes me feel less sorry for him than I would for someone being gracious. But at the same time, he's miserable, and so I feel a little sorry for him.

 

I'd support his plans emotionally, but not financially. You love him and don't want him to fail entirely, so I'd do my best to create an atmosphere where if he fails, he knows he can come back to you for help getting his life straightened out. I'd work out a plan with DH that if DS stays at home, he has to pay for his own supplies: car rental, gas, food, laundry soap, etc. and strictly enforce it.

 

And then...let him try it out on his own. He's obviously deaf to anything you say, so let him figure it out. There's really no other option, is there? No, there's not. You cannot drag him by his shirt collar and force him to do anything. All you can do is refuse to fund it, but be pleasant about his plans.

[Karen in CO]

He's already researched this plan. He doesn't want my help. His father and I are stupid. We are in good company ... so are all of his teachers at college. In fact, I can't think of a single real adult who is not stupid in his opinion.

 

I can't figure him out. First he told me he was burned out regarding school, he'd been going for 12 years plus this summer. I pointed out that we paid for him to attend German classes at a university this summer because he wanted to do so very much. As far as the previous 5 years went, I didn't think seat-warmers could get burned out.

 

Then he told me he decided to drop out because he hates it and it is my fault because I wouldn't let him take a gap year to work. Untrue. I tried to convince him to work for a year before attending college.

 

Then he told me that his teachers are stupid.

 

Then he told me that he hates living here, where we live. He is not thrilled with the US politically, so he wants to move to Germany.

:grouphug:

It sounds like it is time to smile and wish him well. Right now he's fighting against you and blaming you. Don't stand in his way because all it will hurt you, and he'll still go off with a half-baked plan.

 

Lots of tongue biting in your future. It sounds like you and your dh do need to come to an agreement about how much you're going to insulate him from the consequences of his actions. Once an adult is that determined to prove himself there isn't really much you can do except to decide how much you're will to support it.

[Scarlett]

My take---He is very intelligent and thus bored. So what? Many people are bored. He could finish the semester while bored. That would be the responsible mature thing to do.

 

He is very arrogant. Many 18 year olds are. He needs a reality check.

 

Which brings me to my last point....the biggest problem is your dh's view of this situation. If he continues to provide support for this 'adult' he will be contributing to said 'adult's' continued under/non achieving.

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:

It sounds like it is time to smile and wish him well. Right now he's fighting against you and blaming you. Don't stand in his way because all it will hurt you, and he'll still go off with a half-baked plan.

 

Lots of tongue biting in your future. It sounds like you and your dh do need to come to an agreement about how much you're going to insulate him from the consequences of his actions. Once an adult is that determined to prove himself there isn't really much you can do except to decide how much you're will to support it.

 

I think RC would be happy to let him go do his own thing. Real life consequences and all that. Sounds like the biggest problem is how she and her dh are disagreeing on how to handle this boy.

[J-rap]

I am really sorry. It sounds rough. I think he has a lot of different emotions going on, not the least of which is that he is 18, just graduated from high school, bored and antsy.

 

When my son was 18 and just graduated from high school, there is no way in the world I could have kept him home in our small town. He reminded me of Jimmy Stewart's line in It's A Wonderful Life : “I’m shaking the dust off this crummy town and I’m gonna see the world.†He reminded me of a wild animal trapped in a cage, relentlessly pacing because he didn't know what else to do.

 

We did tell him he needed to have a plan, and we were in the wings waiting to help advise. He didn't want to go to school (yet). It was more like he needed a real adventure. He wanted to go to Europe too, to travel across the continent on his bike. I ended up getting very involved in the planning, because I really wanted to make it work for him. We fortunately know a lot of people there and have relatives there too, so he planned his route around towns where they lived. I was also able to find him volunteer work to do in Germany, because we figured he would want to take a break from biking once the weather turned cold.

 

I know that sounds wild and I don't mean for this to be about me and my son. The point is that he had a plan that was rather far-fetched, but as long as he understood that he had to have a plan that we felt comfortable about, we supported him and helped him as best as we could.

 

Maybe going to school or working in Germany right now would be impossible, I don't know. Maybe what he really wants is just an adventure, on his own, away from home. Perhaps you can help research volunteer organizations in other countries. One of my children has several friends who has found work through WWOF ( http://www.wwoof.org/), but that would only be if your son has any interest in working on an organic farm! (Here's their German site: http://www.wwoof.de. Click on the English flag to read it in English.) There are lots of other organizations.

 

After spending a year on his "adventure," my son was ready to settle down and study, but he would not have been happy living at home and studying at a local college. He really wanted to live in a big city. He could not have afforded living in a dorm, but I was able to help find him a boarding house at half the cost, and he found a job 20-30/hours week (while going to school full-time). But, it was where he wanted to be and doing what he wanted to do.

 

Money is a big part of it all, of course, and our son realized that we would do everything we could to help him achieve his dreams, but that he needed to figure out the money aspect of it all. We weren't just going to fund it (nor were we in a position to), but we did sit down with him and spend a lot of time helping him think through how he could make it happen (how much he would need, how much he'd have to earn, etc.).

 

It sounds like your son is dropping out of school in time to get money back (?). I think the thing that would bother me the most is his ungrateful and rude attitude. I think I would tell him that we are behind him all the way, but will NOT tolerate that attitude. Take the car keys away if he doesn't start treating you more respectfully.

 

Other than that, I wouldn't nag him anymore about school; I would just let him make that choice.

 

Your son sounds very smart, antsy, and bored. I wouldn't attempt to keep him at home, I'd attempt to help him make a plan that will take him on his own doing something interesting. Try and keep the peace as well as you can, without compromising the respect that you deserve from your children. Someday, he'll see things with clearer vision. :)

 

And btw, my son met his future wife in Germany (though she is Canadian), and now he loves our small town! Funny how that works.

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Nothing I can add. I'm sorry.

[Marianne in TX]

My oldest dd is the grasshopper to her sibling's ants - I flat out had to tell her that she either was a full-time cc student with decent grades OR got a job and paid rent once she graduated from high school and turned 18. She has stopped remarking how she is an adult now and can do as she pleases...for I remarked how her dad and I were adults, too, and didn't have to support her, another adult, if it did not please us to do so ;-). She hadn't thought of that...

 

LOVE this description! I have one of those. She is the sweetest thing in the world, and she will cheerfully do anything you *ask* her to; but all she wants to do is doofer.

 

And thank you, ladies, for sharing your troubles and wisdom here.

 

:grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug: Dh dropped out mid-semester five times due to anxiety/undiagnosed ADD, but that's all I have experience with and therapy plus meds resolved it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Catherine]

But let me tell you the story of Paul Hewitt, physics teacher extraordinaire, and author of my all-time favorite textbook: Conceptual Physics.

 

He took up a job as a sign painter after he left high school. He bonded with his older fellow painter, a man who was a self-educated amateur physicist and scientist. After working with this man for a time (years, I think), Paul realized his passion was to teach physics. He moved on to a university education at age 28. He's won a national teaching award.

 

I guess all this is to say that for some people, the path to success, fulfillment, and adulthood is not linear. That's little reassurance when one's child is embarking on a dubious path, I know. I have a 19 yo, and it certainly would be for me. But maybe he needs to figure some things our for himself, and stop blaming you for his unhappiness.

 

((hugs))

[Catherine]

Argh! I know of what you speak...

[Anne in CA]

Since your dh refuses to kick him out I would insist (fight tooth and nail, yelling screaming, ect) that there is no online gaming for your son. He only uses the computer for job searching and when you see him gaming you simply turn off the internet at it's source.

 

I suspect his plans are just smoke so that he can stay home and game, which my own ds would certainly do if I allowed it. When my ds is gaming instead of doing homework I turn off the router. Those games are very seductive, and your highly intelligent ds probably does not see as less important than school, since he thinks his professors are "stupid".

 

I would also get a lock box for junk food and only feed the boy three square meals a day when you and your dh are eating. I would not battle about food. Extra food (chips, popcorn, cookies) would live in my bedroom closet in a lock box. I simply wouldn't buy ice cream or any treats that couldn't be locked away for awhile. Absolutely no laundry service. And no $300 a month.

 

If your dh won't kick him out, I would make sure that the boy wants to leave. Hard and cold I know, but a boy will not become a man without facing hard things. Honestly, I do get wanting to get along with your dh, and maybe a compromise is in order, but your dh should compromise too, that your ds will not waste his life gaming and living off you both if you agree to allow him to stay in your home.

[butterflymommy]

Hoo boy. I fully expect this kind of behavior from DS 15 almost 16. DH also refuses to entertain any notion of kicking them out if they fail to take classes or find a job. He (DH) is already talking about finishing the basement for DS! :eek:.

 

I'd tell him he has a place to sleep and food to eat... anything else he provides for himself. Clothes, games, etc.. If he's using the computer a lot I'd make him contribute to utilities either by paying or doing chores around the house.

 

As far as school-- let him drop out. There's nothing you can do. But do NOT finance his independent living in any way beyond paying for education and health insurance (if applicable). :grouphug:

[Susan in TX]

He's 18. He is an adult, I would treat him like one. If you think his plans are unwise, you can say so nicely. But it is his life to live and his mistake to make. Let him decide what he wants to do and let him know that you will be there for him if he needs you.

 

If he drops out of college and can't find a job or it doesn't work out, he can go back. If you force your will on him you run the risk of permanently damaging your relationship and you take away from him an important learning opportunity.

 

Most kids have to learn things the hard way. It is hard as a parent to get out of the way and run the risk of allowing a child to make a bad decision, but it is all a part of growing up and letting go.

 

Susan in TX

[Scarlett]

Am I the only one who is seeing that RC isn't really trying to run his life? That she would be ok if he just got out and supported himself however he sees fit while he learns some life's lessons?

 

I think the problem is that she sees HER future as the mom stuck dealing with this kind of adult/kid who is still living in her home for years eating her food, not contributing and just basically mooching off his parents..

[Susan C.]

Sorry RC...

 

So the car is yours (so he can't have it, non-negotiable unless he buys it off of you). Bet you pay the insurance, woops, no school, no insurance (therefore no driving). Didn't you buy the car so he could get to work and/or school? So your car drives to work or school and stays in the driveway the rest of the time... And BTW the money is here at home, you stay, go to school or work full time, you will be cared for. You leave, you are on your own and basically take a few clothes and no support. Forget a book, sit down with him and make him tell you what everything costs, then after you get the big ummmm then show him your checkbook so he knows. He might not mind living in the slum, but being hungry might cross the line.

 

I have a college student, no money is refunded this late. The drop date now gets you Fs in everything, but doesn't go toward your GPA. That won't look very good to colleges in Germany, which are quite academic. My freshman college student is getting tired right now too. We are driving her to school because she is getting so little sleep. Right now is burn out time, it hits 8-10 weeks into the semester. Your ds might need one day (one day only) to sleep, regroup, and plan the rest of the semster. I can hope, right?

 

Hopefully he comes to very soon.

Edited October 24, 2012 by Susan C.

[Lolly]

Am I the only one who is seeing that RC isn't really trying to run his life? That she would be ok if he just got out and supported himself however he sees fit while he learns some life's lessons?

 

I think the problem is that she sees HER future as the mom stuck dealing with this kind of adult/kid who is still living in her home for years eating her food, not contributing and just basically mooching off his parents..

 

I see that. That is why my response would be to help him out of the house and onto the road he wishes to follow. I'd be emailing him volunteer positions in Germany.

[Haiku]

I remarked how her dad and I were adults, too, and didn't have to support her, another adult, if it did not please us to do so ;-). She hadn't thought of that...

 

Excellent.

 

Tara

[Nan in Mass]

Is there any way to make a bargain with him - if he finishes the semester, you will buy him a plane ticket somewhere, anywhere he wants to go, and possibly buy him a backpack and some new boots as well? You could suggest looking at volunteer opportunities out of the country, ones that would supply room and board, and say that you would try to help him set something up. Getting a job and supporting himself elsewhere might not be doable plan at the moment due to the economy, but volunteering might be, especially if you were willing to buy his plane ticket. Maybe if he had plans, real plans, for escaping, he could bring himself to stay in school for the rest of the semester. Is this his first semester at the community college? If so, it is right about now that he is probably discovering that he can't bear the stupidity of it all. In Sept., he probably still had hope that this was going to be a feasable plan, then he hung in there through Oct. (or didn't - the wish to drop tomorrow would make me suspect that he was flunking), and now he is at the half-way point and knows exactly how long the second half is going to be and doesn't think he can make it. If he were willing to go through the motions with the possibility of escaping the minute the semester is done, he might feel better about himself. Is he hating himself for not being adult enough to be able to manage and getting angrier as a result? I'm sure you've thought of all that... Unfortunately, when teen boys are unhappy, no matter how irrational, they tend to blame it all on mummy. It is proof that they aren't really grown up yet and need our help and support more than ever. Getting them to take it when they are angry and hurt by the world is so hard.

Hugs

Nan

[TammyS]

Your dh is destroying his son with this attitude.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Completely agree.

 

This happened to a dear friend of mine and she could have written exactly what you wrote. Her son was BRILLIANT. Took calculus at the local state university at 14 and passed with flying colors. Got a 1600 on his SATs at 16, easy peasy. Used to do "evil" level sudoku in pen, without notes and completed them in minutes.

 

And he lived in the basement, literally, playing on the computer - until he was 30!! He's now 32. He recently got his degree, finally. But he's living with his married sister and is about to get thrown out of her home by the sister's wife because he doesn't want to find a job.

 

This guy could have been anything. Instead, he's wasted his life with no sign of a turn around - all because my friend's husband didn't feel like he could be grown and parent enough to make the boy get out on his own.

[ktgrok]

Are you paying for that school? If so, I'd say he has to stay as you don't want your money wasted. Or he has to pay you back before he can use any money towards an apartment, rent, moving, etc.

[TammyS]

Am I the only one who is seeing that RC isn't really trying to run his life? That she would be ok if he just got out and supported himself however he sees fit while he learns some life's lessons?

 

I think the problem is that she sees HER future as the mom stuck dealing with this kind of adult/kid who is still living in her home for years eating her food, not contributing and just basically mooching off his parents..

 

No, you aren't the only one.

 

I also see the additional danger of her parental authority with the other children being weakened when they see a moocher living in the house and a father not supporting the mother in trying to get the moocher moving.

[Murphy101]

I think RC would be happy to let him go do his own thing. Real life consequences and all that. Sounds like the biggest problem is how she and her dh are disagreeing on how to handle this boy.

 

Am I the only one who is seeing that RC isn't really trying to run his life? That she would be ok if he just got out and supported himself however he sees fit while he learns some life's lessons?

 

I think the problem is that she sees HER future as the mom stuck dealing with this kind of adult/kid who is still living in her home for years eating her food, not contributing and just basically mooching off his parents..

 

:iagree:

 

I do not know what I'd do if dh expected me to just let the boy loaf at home.

 

Okay. That's a bold lie. I do.

 

I'd make them both so miserable that they'd both be glad to A have a full time contributing job to escape to and or B move out.:tongue_smilie:

 

Seriously, I'd not give one iota of financial or material support to an adult child without decent grades in school or a full time contributing job. Full stop. And dh would absolutely rather agree with me than suffer my wrath over the big legendary screaming meme I'd pitch over him not agreeing on those basics.

 

Ds would go to a friends house and come home to his room emptied and repurposed and the locks changed.

 

I'd bawl in my pillow every night about it until he started acting responsible, but I'd absolutely do it. With or without dh's approval. But I truly cannot fathom dh not agreeing. I think that would just be devastating to me.:grouphug:

[Murphy101]

No, you aren't the only one.

 

I also see the additional danger of her parental authority with the other children being weakened when they see a moocher living in the house and a father not supporting the mother in trying to get the moocher moving.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Which is probably why I'd be über spazzing on both dh and ds if I were her. What a years long nightmare in the making this is for everyone involved!

[Danestress]

I will say that I am leaning toward the idea that he would be much much happier in a place like Boston. So if you were going to pay for CC, perhaps you should just give him that money, give him the old car, and wish him good luck in Boston.

 

Maybe he will be happier, more productive, and less entitled if he hits the real world. And who really cares if he has to spend a few years doing menial jobs and living in gross apartments with other guys his age? That's what young people have the freedom to do.

 

 

if you still have friends there, perhaps you can get him a place to stay for a few weeks while he gets a job and a place to live.

 

I know you and your dh have had medical problems, and I wonder if the trade off would reduce your sTress. Yes, it would cost you. But you would get some peace at home.

[RoughCollie]

I'm sorry I have not responded in hours. I took a nap since I only had 2 hrs of sleep, then had to take 2 kids to their doctors, then made dinner. Now I can catch a breath.

 

Around 1 pm, DS1 said that he would call his advisor to see if he could take a midterm he missed. If he can, he will finish the semester. I said again, drop the course, and complete the others. He said he was only doing this because DH and I are so upset, albeit irrationally so. (We are frequently irrational and unreasonable.)

 

I had to leave. When I got home around 4, DS1 said the advisors were too busy to talk to him -- long lines -- and he was told to call back tomorrow. I told him he'd be better off going in person in the morning. Plus, while he's there, he can go to his physics lab.

 

I may be being played like a fiddle.

 

Then I said that I thought he couldn't get into a German university without a transcript filled with good grades. He doesn't have that. I mentioned that he could get into a few state universities here, if he wants to do that at some point. He'd have student loans, but he'd also have a better chance of getting into a university in Germany.

 

He wants to go to a university in another state -- it will only cost a few thousand dollars more, he said. He, who has never earned money, flings around those thousands like they are nothing!

 

I suggested he put joining the Navy on his options list -- he was interested in that this summer. DH was against it then, but he is 100% for that idea now. DS1 thinks that is a bad idea now - forgot which hot button socialist, anti-American term he used.

 

I asked him to research German universities and find out their admission requirements for foreign students, and to print out the information so that DH and I can see it. While he's at it, research and print out requirements to become a permanent resident of Germany, too ... one who can work. Work at what? Find that out too. Jobs. Availability. Pay.

 

I suggested that he find a part-time job immediately (seasonal work), finish the semester, and then use his earnings to go to Germany for a couple of weeks to scope out the territory. Then he can come back here and get a full-time job or go to school full-time. This plan is not mine; he suggested it several months ago (going to Germany during Christmas break).

 

As I have always done, I supported him having a gap year in which he works full-time.

 

As I have always done, I support him learning a trade so that he could make more money doing something more interesting than working at a fast food restaurant or unloading boxes at Walmart.

 

I also support his original plan (until last night) of going to CC for 2 years, then applying for a scholarship at a German university.

 

As always, the only thing I don't support is an objective to become a basement dwelling bottom feeder.

 

I told him that he needs to think of the consequences of his actions and do a risk analysis of his plans, and that we could help him with that.

 

I said that we are his parents, and there is no need for him to flounder around trying to find his path when he has us as a resource to bounce ideas off of. I reminded him that we are not spring chickens and have been around the block a time or two, and times have not changed in some respects. Rent still has to be paid. Transportation still has to be procured. Jobs have to be found and kept to pay the bills, even if the worker hates the job and his coworkers are stupid.

 

I said that his father and I went to CC for financial reasons, and we are just as intelligent as he is, and it didn't kill us. If he wanted to go to Genius U, he could have, but it is too late to do high school over, so don't waste time on regrets, move forward.

 

I said I think that telling me about his major, life-changing, plans a few hours ahead of time is not right. This is especially true when we supported his plans in every way, including financially, and then he pulled the rug out from under us.

 

I told him that we would support any plan he has because we support him reaching goals he has set for himself. We do not support him quitting in the middle of reaching a short-term, easily attainable goal like completing a semester at college.

 

DH was angry when I told him about this. Then he became broken-hearted. Now he is more willing to discuss consequences if DS1 decides to laze about the house.

[justLisa]

Wow. You sound like an EXCELLENT mother trying her absolute hardest to make sure he does the right thing. I really, really hope this works out and he gets some sense.

 

I'm no where near college, but I can only imagine this is so hard for a parent.

[Murphy101]

DH was angry when I told him about this. Then he became broken-hearted. Now he is more willing to discuss consequences if DS1 decides to laze about the house.

 

This is the only part of your post I have any quibble over whatsoever and it isn't even about you or your son. Because I'd be furious at him for being furious with me over that discussion.:001_huh::grouphug:

[TammyS]

Now he is more willing to discuss consequences if DS1 decides to laze about the house.

 

Awesome!! This is where you need to be! IMO, you need to stop talking to DS entirely until you and DH have a powwow. In that powwow you are going to decide exactly what your boundaries are going to be with DS and then you are going to present to him a strong united front of what is going to be the regime going forward. You do not need to tell DS what to do with his life, only what you/dh are and are not going to do or allow.

[Nestof3]

It sounds like you said all the right things.

 

Your son is old enough to understand that you had to move because it was best for the family. He cannot understand it, though, because he is being cared for. Once he cares for himself, he'll finally realize how smart you are.

 

It is within his right to move to Boston -- and pay for it and college. He is not your only child. He either accepts what you offer or does it on his own. Don't let him guilt you into believing he is so special that he deserves more.

[Punks in Ontario]

:grouphug:Uuugh. That's a tough spot. Having one daughter who's been just about impossible to launch, I feel for you. I so get so many verses in Proverbs now. My girl is very bright, but a university dropout - and it's all my fault.:glare: Please don't accept the blame he's putting on you. This is just foolishness.

 

While we didn't have dd living with us, after the last go round at home, we both agreed that she could never return. "Drive out a scoffer.." stuff. Since we refuse to pay for her last financial blunder, she now hates us so much she's not speaking to us.

 

Please remember that even though he's making very unwise and unrealistic choices right now, God still has his hand on him. Hey, he saved an idiot like me from my own stupidity. I'd be likely to have him move out if he's not in school, even if it meant paying first and last month's rent. Just don't cosign. (Ask me how I know that.) But I get your dh's reluctance to turf him.

 

Hang in there. Somehow our parents survived us. You're going to survive too.

[Scarlett]

This is the only part of your post I have any quibble over whatsoever and it isn't even about you or your son. Because I'd be furious at him for being furious with me over that discussion.:001_huh::grouphug:

 

Wait, was he angry at RC or the ds? Either way it sounds a little hopeful that the dh is willing to discuss consequences with/for the boy if he doesn't get a real plan.

[Scarlett]

Wow. You sound like an EXCELLENT mother trying her absolute hardest to make sure he does the right thing. I really, really hope this works out and he gets some sense.

 

I'm no where near college, but I can only imagine this is so hard for a parent.

 

:iagree:

 

I was astounded at all the right things she said to him! Wow....especially with no sleep lastl night and as upset as she is.

[Denisemomof4]

RC, YOU are an awesome mom!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

He's not doing drugs and ruining his life with a terror of a girlfriend. He isn't surfing the net for snuff porn.

 

I was one of those "just let me do it on my own" teens and I came out just find. He's 18 and not following lock-step progression to fortune, but he's not making fatal flaws. Let him pursue his happiness. Wonderful things may happen. And fighting about it probably won't help anything. The baton must be passed to him.

[Susan C.]

RC, YOU are an awesome mom!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

He's not doing drugs and ruining his life with a terror of a girlfriend. He isn't surfing the net for snuff porn.

 

I was one of those "just let me do it on my own" teens and I came out just find. He's 18 and not following lock-step progression to fortune, but he's not making fatal flaws. Let him pursue his happiness. Wonderful things may happen. And fighting about it probably won't help anything. The baton must be passed to him.

 

I agree with this. My only issue is how he expects RC and her dh to pick up the tab.

[TammyS]

The baton must be passed to him.

 

I think OP WANTS to pass the baton - but HE doesn't want it. He just wants to do whatever he feels like ON HER DIME. That isn't independence (or taking the baton), that's refusing to grow up and get a life.

[rdj2027]

The link below explains the requirements to study in Germany. The button to the English version is in the upper right. Select "USA" in the grey block in the middle (only mention that because it looks like an advertisement and I missed it several times) and it will walk you/him through the requirements for admission.

 

http://www.daad.de/deutschland/nach-deutschland/voraussetzungen/de/6017-hochschulzugang-und-zulassung/

 

He must take a language test (it is a specific test, akin to the TOEFL)

 

Foreign students are usually only allowed to work 90 days per year (or 180 half days). He can expect to need about $1000 per month, health insurance is mandatory.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Diane

[Nestof3]

I agree with this. My only issue is how he expects RC and her dh to pick up the tab.

 

Yes, he seems whiny and presumptuous.

[RoughCollie]

Where in Chicago would your DS plan to live if he came to this area?

He met someone at the U this summer who lives there and has an extra bedroom. I told him that person will not be interested in taking on a dependent. He doesn't know much about Chicago -- first I heard of it was today.

 

Sounds to me like he's in the wrong placement. He needs to be with like minds, which is not a CC.

 

His dad and I both went to CC for financial reasons. He can handle it; we did. Genius U is out of the question for him -- the consequence of making bad grades in high school.

 

He likely left his good friends behind, right? To want to make plans to leave is understandable.

 

Of course -- it was awful that we had to leave Boston. We didn't want to uproot our kids as we are Army and Air Force brats who know how it is.

 

The friends he left behind are going to ivy league universities, parents are paying for it, along with their cars and i-Phones. These friends are very high achievers, not a slacker in the bunch. DS1 really resents that he isn't in that league. He never was! Several of our family friends are millionaires.

 

Chronic understimulation and boredom can burn you out as well.

 

The CC has a program for high-achieving students that he can get into, if only he would do the work required during first semester. He is in CC as a consequence of his own inaction during high school. A consequence he was forewarned about many times.

 

Are there any friends or family he could stay with in Boston and work part time there and attend cc there?

 

The day he drops out of college is the day I'd present him with a contract to sign regarding house rules and room and board costs.

 

No family there' date=' and most of our friends have either moved to another state for economic and climate reasons, or have kids at home and are familiar with DS1 and his great plans which he quits before he achieves his goals.

 

Seriously, my older children make me wonder if homeschooling is really worth it.

 

Sometimes I wish I had never homeschooled my kids.

 

An "official" high-school diploma is a starting point...in combination with a MINIMUM of 3-5 AP exams...

Otherwise he would be expected to have (successfully) completed two years of a 4-year college (not CC) to enter a German university...

 

 

I told him this.

 

Wow. So he also thinks that he's running your home, and gets to decide how much he needs to pay. Wow.

 

Wow is right. I do not know why he feels so entitled. In June, right before he left for his expensive summer at URI, he told me he was angry because I did not buy him an iPhone. DH & I have Net 10 phones, so why does he deserve an iPhone (with bills paid by us)?

 

This kid was not raised in the lifestyle he wishes to have. No fancy vacations, no fancy private schools, no fancy anything ... we just had an ordinary lifestyle.

 

for I remarked how her dad and I were adults, too, and didn't have to support her, another adult, if it did not please us to do so ;-).

 

I have said that a few times.

 

There are some kids who have to struggle in order to mature.

 

Well, I don't get it. Given that DS1 thinks of himself as rational, reasonable, logical, and smart ... why would he want to throw himself out of the frying pan into the fire? That fire is hot! I lived it by necessity. It is the last thing I want my kids to have to endure.

 

Have you considered sending him on walkabout?

 

That was DS2's plan last year. DS1 is not interested at all.

 

Has he been following the news about the EU's economy?

 

Yes. He has also been Skyping with German young adults he met at URI this summer. I am pretty sure he is hearing what he wants to hear on all fronts.

 

What would he do if you tried to help him find a way to go to Germany?

 

I have been doing that for several years. Nothing pans out b/c I cannot hand it to him on a silver platter. He doesn't want to visit my relatives there -- he wants to have fun.

 

Just watched a documentary this weekend at the college my dd attends about slums

 

I will email him the link.

 

 

It sounds like it is time to smile and wish him well.

I'm trying to keep things on an even keel so he will at least make viable plans and discuss them with us.

 

My take---He is very intelligent and thus bored. So what? :iagree:

 

He is very arrogant. Many 18 year olds are. He needs a reality check. :iagree:

 

Which brings me to my last point....the biggest problem is your dh's view of this situation. I'm working on that.

 

I think he has a lot of different emotions going on, not the least of which is that he is 18, just graduated from high school, bored and antsy. Yes.

 

I told DS1 we are here to advise and help in any way we can (meaning not financially). I am going to suggest volunteer work. We have relatives in Germany - my mother is German. He doesn't want to involve her in this because she is very sharp-spoken and critical of everything in a mean way.

 

as long as he understood that he had to have a plan that we felt comfortable about, we supported him and helped him as best as we could. I said this to DS1 today, and have many times in the past.

 

It sounds like your son is dropping out of school in time to get money back (?). No, it is too late for refunds.I think the thing that would bother me the most is his ungrateful and rude attitude. It does bother me a lot. I think I would tell him that we are behind him all the way, but will NOT tolerate that attitude. Yes. Take the car keys away if he doesn't start treating you more respectfully.Okay.

 

Other than that, I wouldn't nag him anymore about school; I would just let him make that choice.I am waiting on tenterhooks to see what tomorrow brings.

 

Since your dh refuses to kick him out I would insist (fight tooth and nail, yelling screaming, ect) that there is no online gaming for your son.

 

DH seems more amenable to reason tonight. He became amenable on his own. I responded that I cannot live here, being at DS1's mercy. DH knows that means I will take the dog and DD and move to Atlanta until something shakes out, if I have to. Otherwise DD will become the maid, cook, and laundress. I will be surprised if I have to do this.

 

Didn't you buy the car so he could get to work and/or school?

 

No. The car is our 2002 Grand Marquis. DH bought a newer used car this past spring, and did not trade this one in so our *four* teenagers would have a car to drive. Driving to college is priority #1. Driving to work is priority #2.

 

Is there any way to make a bargain with him -

 

No more bargains -- paying for this semester was part of a bargain -- he stays in school and makes a minimum 3.0 GPA in exchange for our paying for it. He decided he wanted to enroll in school, not us.

 

Seriously, I'd not give one iota of financial or material support to an adult child without decent grades in school or a full time contributing job. Full stop. And dh would absolutely rather agree with me than suffer my wrath over the big legendary screaming meme I'd pitch over him not agreeing on those basics.

:iagree: I've always told the kids that when they graduate from high school, they will either work full-time or go to school full-time or they will move out at once.

Yes, it would cost you.

 

We can't afford it.

[RoughCollie]

This is the only part of your post I have any quibble over whatsoever and it isn't even about you or your son. Because I'd be furious at him for being furious with me over that discussion.:001_huh::grouphug:

 

DH was furious with DS1, not with me.

[LittleIzumi]

Genius U is out of the question for him -- the consequence of making bad grades in high school.

 

DS1 and his great plans which he quits before he achieves his goals.

 

 

Well, I don't get it. Given that DS1 thinks of himself as rational, reasonable, logical, and smart ... why would he want to throw himself out of the frying pan into the fire? That fire is hot!

 

 

I have been doing that for several years. Nothing pans out b/c I cannot hand it to him on a silver platter. He doesn't want to visit my relatives there -- he wants to have fun.

 

These sound a lot like dh, who also dropped out a ton due to his undiagnosed ADD. At that age he had finished high school in 5 years and had no real plans as far as I know. Now he's thriving and in school many years later due to his counselor and medication. It's very hard to tell what is simply lack of motivation and what is something more, though.

[Murphy101]

DH was furious with DS1, not with me.

 

Oh I'm so glad to have misunderstood. That's a great step in the right direction.

[Susan in TN]

:grouphug: I have nothing else to offer except that I'm so sorry.