My teenagers are going to drive me insane! Need advice.

[RoughCollie]

Tonight's main problem has to do with DS1, who is a full-time student at a community college who is going to drop out tomorrow.

 

.

Edited October 25, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Pink Fairy]

No advice, I'm not there yet, but I just started reading Slouching Toward Adulthood and your post sounds like it could have come straight from the book.

 

:grouphug:

[Jpoy85]

:grouphug:

[swellmomma]

Unfortunately he is 18, not much you can do. Even though I would want to grab him by both shoulders and shake really hard if he was my son. Is he one to read books you recommend? Has he read do hard things? Or the companion book Doing Hard things right where you are

[sahm99]

So sorry you have to deal with this situation.:grouphug:

 

I don't have much advice (mine are a bit young for those kind of stunts), but maybe reasearching admisssion to German universities might cool your son down - a homeschool transcript with some community college is not going to get him far...

 

Good luck to you!:grouphug:

[swellmomma]

Reported the spammer

 

RoughCollie the other thing I thought of, would he go into a trade? Just thinking if he is refusing the finish the semester at college, and some how thinks he will skate by with his pie in the sky plans. Would he go for an apprenticeship and learn a trade?

[Susan C.]

Well....

 

First, sit him down and show him the numbers of living on his own. How much it will cost. How much he has. How much he needs to earn to survive.

 

Then kindly tell him he will be living in a place much worse than he does now if he continues his plan. And, if you paid for the college, tell him you expect him to pay you back if he drops out.

 

Hopefully that will work.

[sassenach]

Dh joined the military because he just wanted to get on with life. School felt like stalling out. I guess I'd let him try whatever plan he's hatching. Maybe he'll pull it off. I would not, however, finance the plan.

[Laura Corin]

Does he have the right to work in Germany?

 

Laura

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: I know you all have a had a rough few years, health and living condition wise.

 

The other day someone commented about having kids see that adulthood can be good. It struck me because we've had a few rough years, it's stress city around here. I told ds that being an adult was not total stress all the time, there are great things about being an adult, and we did not expect him to stay in this small town and live his life.

 

I know that "I just want to escape" feeling. I had it and made some poor long-term choices as a young adult. My parents weren't advising any differently. However, now I'm sort of stuck. I like our small town, but it wasn't my ideal place to land. It certainly wasn't on my hit list at age 18 or 20. blah, blah, blah.

 

Life is tough, heading out without a plan could land him back on your doorstep or stuck in a job he doesn't want for years. First thing I would probably do is explore his desire to attend school in Germany. If it's a possibility, I'd help him do that.

[bettyandbob]

Ask him to find the work requirements for Germany.

 

Would you be willing to tell ds he couldn't live with you unless he was attending classes and in good standing at the cc. Dropping out of school with no job sounds like it could lead to a lot of online gaming hours (after the first couple of job applications are rejected).

[RoughCollie]

Unfortunately he is 18, not much you can do. Even though I would want to grab him by both shoulders and shake really hard if he was my son. Is he one to read books you recommend? Has he read do hard things? Or the companion book Doing Hard things right where you are

 

My kids each received a copy of Do Hard Things several years ago. He opted not to.

[RoughCollie]

Would he go for an apprenticeship and learn a trade?

 

No. He plans to be a physicist. He has no interest in learning a trade.

Edited October 24, 2012 by RoughCollie

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, my kids aren't teens, yet, but I certainly remember being 18 and knowing how I thought my life should be going. Ah, to be young and ignorant again! The possibilities were endless.

 

Unless your son has EU citizenship, he might find it a little more challenging to find work in Germany, especially without a college degree under his belt. School in Germany might be a little easier to accomplish. I might try to encourage that.

 

Based on being 8 & 9 years older than my younger siblings and watching them go through those challenging years as a slightly-older-than-they-were adult, I'd recommend supporting him through his wacky plans. If you try to discourage them, he will resent you even more. If you support (emotionally, not financially) his decisions, he may be more willing to listen to you and get guidance from you when his plans (probably inevitably) fail. Just my 2 cents.

[KidsHappen]

Does he have the right to work in Germany?

 

Laura

 

Ditto. It is almost impossible to get a work permit to work in Germany and you can't live there unless you are a citizen, have a work permit or are going to college and the college competition is very stiff indeed. His plan does not sound reasonable.

 

ETA: Oops. He can also marry a German citizen but that isn't an easy progress either.

[RoughCollie]

First, sit him down and show him the numbers of living on his own. How much it will cost. How much he has. How much he needs to earn to survive.

 

Then kindly tell him he will be living in a place much worse than he does now if he continues his plan. And, if you paid for the college, tell him you expect him to pay you back if he drops out.

 

Did that already. We used a great book, which I cannot find to give you the title. It went through everything a teenager needs to know to function independently in the adult world. He thought the book was stupid.

 

I told him he would have to repay us for this semester. He disagrees because it is a sunk cost. After more discussion, he said that DH makes more money than he can, so he should have to pay us back based on the percentage of DH's income he makes.

 

He says he will be happy to live in a slum.

Edited October 24, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Joyofsixreboot]

I am sorry but as the mother of an 18 yo son all you can do is wait the 10-15 years it's going to take him to say " You might have been right.". :grouphug: hang in there. I feel for you.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

ETA: Oops. He can also marry a German citizen but that isn't an easy progress either.

 

How does he feel about younger women? I could see if our German summer exchange student would be interested in a date. She's only 15 though. :D

 

:lol::lol: Sorry. I know it's not funny and he's driving you crazy, but I'm lacking sleep and I couldn't resist.

[RoughCollie]

Unless your son has EU citizenship, he might find it a little more challenging to find work in Germany, especially without a college degree under his belt. School in Germany might be a little easier to accomplish. I might try to encourage that.

 

I'd recommend supporting him through his wacky plans.

 

He needs a job in Germany in order to pay for school there.

 

There isn't much else I can do. He will not get financial support and he must find a full-time job immediately. I made it clear when he wanted to go instead of working for a year first that if he did not have a cumulative GPA of 3.0, we would stop paying for college. First semester drop-outs do not have GPA's.

 

Mind you, he wants us to subsidize this plan to the tune of $300/month -- a figure he came up with out of thin air.

 

For the past month, he has unsuccessfully tried to convince me to put our third car in his name. It is a 2002 Grand Marquis with over 100K miles on it. We kept it for the use of all 4 kids. He is the only one with a driver's license, so far, but the others will get theirs soon.

Edited October 24, 2012 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

maybe reasearching admisssion to German universities might cool your son down - a homeschool transcript with some community college is not going to get him far...

 

He went to PS in high school. He thinks that he won't have a transcript from the community college because he is dropping out on the last day possible to do so. Whether that is true or not doesn't make a difference to him. I haven't checked into it because he told me about this at 1 a.m.

 

I just woke him up to point out that he probably can't get into a university in Germany with his high school grades, and that getting a work permit there is very difficult. I told him to get up and go to school. Then I asked him if he heard me. He did. He's still in bed.

Edited October 24, 2012 by RoughCollie

[laughing lioness]

RC- I could have written much of your post. It is really, really rough. Especially when we are dealing with really difficult situations and our kids are ungrateful, selfish or stupid.

 

I have no good advice for you (I could use some myself right now) except to hang in there and realize that our kids have to make their own choices and you have to be at peace with your life. I think (our kids at least) have felt like we have all this power to make life what we want. And when we haven't, we have failed them/ourselves/God/whatever.The reality is that life kicks you in the teeth and sometimes the mere fact that you get back up from the kick is as much as you can manage.

 

And ultimatly thier life is on their head. That's harsh but that's reality. Don't kill yourself over your kids hard headedness, arrogance or desperation. Let it be their deal.

 

Praying for you today.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

He needs a job in Germany in order to pay for school there.

 

 

Mind you, he wants us to subsidize this plan to the tune of $300/month -- a figure he came up with out of thin air.

 

I managed to go to school in France on scholarships, grants, and loans, so he might not have to work. He'd probably have to live in student housing, though.

 

Yeah, I'd be informing him that subsidies aren't in the budget. You can be supportive without being walked over. Tell him that you understand what he wants to do and that you will assist him in any way, except monetarily. Tell him that you trust him to figure out how to support himself, and you are proving it by not overextending yourselves with financial support. I'd tell him

(again, since you've probably already done this) that part of growing up and making it on your own is taking responsibility for your own decisions. If he decides not to take your advice and at least finish out the semester, then he, as an adult responsible for his own decisions, must handle the consequences of his very own decision.

[RoughCollie]

First thing I would probably do is explore his desire to attend school in Germany. If it's a possibility, I'd help him do that.

 

He's already researched this plan. He doesn't want my help. His father and I are stupid. We are in good company ... so are all of his teachers at college. In fact, I can't think of a single real adult who is not stupid in his opinion.

 

I can't figure him out. First he told me he was burned out regarding school, he'd been going for 12 years plus this summer. I pointed out that we paid for him to attend German classes at a university this summer because he wanted to do so very much. As far as the previous 5 years went, I didn't think seat-warmers could get burned out.

 

Then he told me he decided to drop out because he hates it and it is my fault because I wouldn't let him take a gap year to work. Untrue. I tried to convince him to work for a year before attending college.

 

Then he told me that his teachers are stupid.

 

Then he told me that he hates living here, where we live. He is not thrilled with the US politically, so he wants to move to Germany.

Edited October 24, 2012 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

No advice, I'm not there yet, but I just started reading Slouching Toward Adulthood and your post sounds like it could have come straight from the book.

 

:grouphug:

 

My son would love to be one of the kids in that book.

[KatieJ]

:grouphug:

I have one child like that. He is still paying for the havoc he brought to his life when he was 19 and decided college was not his thing.

 

He is now married, has a baby, and working fulltime and going to school full time. He just had to learn it his way, and we let him. I mean, let him. No financial support of any kind. He did life his way. I am still waiting for the "you may have been right" speech, but I really don't expect to get it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

He's already researched this plan. He doesn't want my help. His father and I are stupid. We are in good company ... so are all of his teachers at college.

 

I can't figure him out. First he told me he was burned out regarding school, he'd been going for 12 years plus this summer. I pointed out that we paid for him to attend German classes at a university this summer because he wanted to do so very much. As far as the previous 5 years went, I didn't think seat-warmers could get burned out.

 

Then he told me he decided to drop out because he hates it and it is my fault because I wouldn't let him take a gap year to work. Untrue. I tried to convince him to work for a year before attending college.

 

Then he told me that his teachers are stupid.

 

Then he told me that he hates living here, where we live. He is not thrilled with the US politically, so he wants to move to Germany.

 

Well, then, I think that joyofsix is right and you're just going to have to wait 10-15 years for him to grow up and realize you were right all along.

[RoughCollie]

.

Edited October 25, 2012 by RoughCollie

[jelbe5]

Not much advice but lots of :grouphug:

 

Where in Chicago would your DS plan to live if he came to this area? Has he looked at rent? I can assure him he is going to need a decent job in order to live in a decent neighborhood.

 

My oldest dd is a candidate for "The School of Hard Knocks" but sometimes it is the only way to learn. But it sure does not make it easier for the parents. :grouphug:

 

ETA regarding your post above. It might be time to respectfully tell your dh that you would appreciate it if you could step back and let him (dh) deal with son (ie expectations for living in your home, etc.). I would encourage you to advocate for your freedom from cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. for said son. It might be interesting to see what your dh has to say when he sees son playing games instead of behaving like a responsible adult.

Edited October 24, 2012 by jelbe5

[Annie G]

My kids each received a copy of Do Hard Things several years ago. He opted not to.

 

Nearly shot coffee through my nose at this one- perfectly describes our two youngest. Our oldest set a path, achieved it, and is a well respected adult. We thought the rest would follow suit. Yeah, that didn't happen.

[Denisemomof4]

The hardest thing I have experienced as a parent is to watch our adult kids make unwise decisions which could harm their future. I worry about my ds20 on many levels. I keep my mout shut, show support, and have a good cry sometimes.

 

While you had no other option than to move to rural PA, I can understand how it would be extremely difficult on an older teen to go from a very populated city to rural PA. He likely left his good friends behind, right? To want to make plans to leave is understandable.

 

My oldest is also extremely bright. He is not applying himself either and it has been excruciating to watch. He took a semester off and is going back to college in January. This time I hooe he follows his desires instead of stuffing them all apdue to a relationship.

 

I have a friend who was devastated when her son dropped out of school. That is when he refocused, decided his career path, then went on to bet his masters. He is highly successful now.

 

Your ds perhaps needs to be on his own and experience failure before he learns to be more motivated. He will figure it all out. He is so young. He is smart. My best advice is to not help him financially. Make him learn how hard life is, and the reality of it all. That kick in the pants may be what causes him to earn his college degree.

:grouphug:

[Haiku]

He plans to be a physicist.

 

No, he doesn't. He may desire to be a physicist, and he may hope to become a physicist, but right now he plans to become an unemployed bum. College dropouts with vague, unrealistic plans for the future do not become physicists. You can tell him I said that.

 

If he has a Mensa-level IQ, he's probably bored at community college. You don't have to over-exert yourself to become burned out. Chronic understimulation and boredom can burn you out as well.

 

In our house, we tell the children that if they have outgrown the need for parental guidance, it's time to move on to their own place and fund their own lifestyle. Since your dh is not on board with that, I'd at least strike the bargain with him that your ds will not be the beneficiary of ANY cash from you guys [ETA: until he has a viable plan in place].

 

Your son is going to have to find his own way and the thing that lights a fire under him. It sounds like international travel may be the thing. Can you help him find a gap-year program in which he could enroll? He'd be with other kids who share an interest in a zesty life, and most of those kids will be talking to him about their university plans post-gap year. Maybe they could motivate him.

 

As immature as your son is being, I understand his feeling of being smothered in a boring life. I felt the same way at his age. Luckily I channeled it better, but I empathize with his feelings.

 

My dd18 also has some very unrealistic plans that will hinder her if she goes through with them. After talking to her about it for several months, I have chosen to get out of the way and let her sort it our for herself.

 

Tara

Edited October 24, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator
formatting

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug:

 

Could he consider this year a gap year and still apply to universities? It sounds like his grades weren't great in high school, but if he has high test scores, there might be some options for merit aid, and financial aid. No BTDT, but it's often said on the high school board that generally the best aid is available to incoming freshmen. I'd definitely check with the CC to see what his academic record will be there if he drops out. I'd also ask your son what his grades are like so far, to know if not withdrawing is an option.

 

Are there any friends or family he could stay with in Boston and work part time there and attend cc there?

 

The day he drops out of college is the day I'd present him with a contract to sign regarding house rules and room and board costs. Everything he now has use of, including the car, would become a privilege dependent upon following the rules and using the car for transportation to work. A year or so of some reality of low paying work might be helpful in inspiring him to pursue an education.

 

You may want to post on the high school forum too as there are so many wise and wonderful posters who may not make it over to the general board. I'm sure there are others who have been through a similar situation. :grouphug:

[laughing lioness]

No, he doesn't. He may desire to be a physicist, and he may hope to become a physicist, but right now he plans to become an unemployed bum. College dropouts with vague, unrealistic plans for the future do not become physicists. You can tell him I said that.

 

If he has a Mensa-level IQ, he's probably bored at community college. You don't have to over-exert yourself to become burned out. Chronic understimulation and boredom can burn you out as well.

 

In our house, we tell the children that if they have outgrown the need for parental guidance, it's time to move on to their own place and fund their own lifestyle. Since your dh is not on board with that, I'd at least strike the bargain with him that your ds will not be the beneficiary of ANY cash from you guys.

 

Your son is going to have to find his own way and the thing that lights a fire under him. It sounds like international travel may be the thing. Can you help him find a gap-year program in which he could enroll? He'd be with other kids who share an interest in a zesty life, and most of those kids will be talking to him about their university plans post-gap year. Maybe they could motivate him.

 

As immature as your son is being, I understand his feeling of being smothered in a boring life. I felt the same way at his age. Luckily I channeled it better, but I empathize with his feelings.

 

My dd18 also has some very unrealistic plans that will hinder her if she goes through with them. After talking to her about it for several months, I have chosen to get out of the way and let her sort it our for herself.

 

Tara

:iagree:Could we have a badge for parents of young adults who have not lost thier minds? Seriously, my older children make me wonder if homeschooling is really worth it.

Edited October 24, 2012 by laughing lioness

[bettyandbob]

I would be willing. DH is not ... we've had this discussion before when I said I would not allow basement dwelling bottom feeders to live in our house. I said the handwriting was on the wall regarding DS1. DH disagreed and said he would never, under any circumstances, make one of our children move out of the house. Period. End of story.

 

It sounds like a lot of gaming hours to me, too. I will be surprised if DS1 gets a job, both through lack of real effort and because of the economy here. I will be more surprised if he keeps it.

 

:grouphug:

I've had the same discussion. My dh won't agree either. I could easily be in your position and we had this discussion numerous times over the last year. My ds is moving in a positive direction now. I hope you get through this. It is soooo painful.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

I am sure you have talked with your son about the pitfalls of his plan. This is all you can honestly do. As long as his plan only hurts himself in the long run (if it was to not work) then let him go his way. Hard. My middle son had many ideas that made us cringe, we saw the train wreck that was to happen if he stayed on his path. All we could do was offer advice and point out potential problems.

[Candid]

I would be willing. DH is not ... we've had this discussion before when I said I would not allow basement dwelling bottom feeders to live in our house. I said the handwriting was on the wall regarding DS1. DH disagreed and said he would never, under any circumstances, make one of our children move out of the house. Period. End of story.

 

It sounds like a lot of gaming hours to me, too. I will be surprised if DS1 gets a job, both through lack of real effort and because of the economy here. I will be more surprised if he keeps it.

 

I'd consider counseling on this issue. Your dh is destroying his son with this attitude. Your son is not the first young man who thought he knew it all, but those that matured past that had parents that let them prove they knew it all by standing on their own feet, not being a leach at home. (As just one historical example, look at Ben Franklin who ran away to stand on his own and do his own thing when he felt his father had bullied him into an apprenticeship. What would have happened to him if he had been allowed to spend all day doing nothing productive? Instead he "escapes" to establish one of the most amazing American lives.)

 

If a counselor can help your dh see that his support is the absolute wrong thing for your son that would help. A counselor might also help construct a solid plan that your son would participate in.

[sahm99]

He went to PS in high school. He thinks that he won't have a transcript from the community college because he is dropping out on the last day possible to do so. Whether that is true or not doesn't make a difference to him. I haven't checked into it because he told me about this at 1 a.m.

 

I just woke him up to point out that he probably can't get into a university in Germany with his high school grades, and that getting a work permit there is very difficult. I told him to get up and go to school. Then I asked him if he heard me. He did. He's still in bed.

 

An "official" high-school diploma is a starting point...in combination with a MINIMUM of 3-5 AP exams...

Otherwise he would be expected to have (successfully) completed two years of a 4-year college (not CC) to enter a German university...

You probably won't get very far questioning his wish for change (which doesn't really seem unreasonable). I would try to show him that you take him seriously, that you understand, but that you expect him to present a project/plan. That is the difference between a mature decision process and an "IwantthelollipopNOW-attitude".

:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

:grouphug: to you. As you probably know, I am in a similar situation, so I can empathize. Unfortunately, I am learning there is nothing I or you can do to make it different.

[Impish]

Did that already. We used a great book, which I cannot find to give you the title. It went through everything a teenager needs to know to function independently in the adult world. He thought the book was stupid.

 

I told him he would have to repay us for this semester. He disagrees because it is a sunk cost. After more discussion, he said that DH makes more money than he can, so he should have to pay us back based on the percentage of DH's income he makes.

 

He says he will be happy to live in a slum.

Wow. So he also thinks that he's running your home, and gets to decide how much he needs to pay. Wow.

He needs a job in Germany in order to pay for school there.

 

There isn't much else I can do. He will not get financial support and he must find a full-time job immediately. I made it clear when he wanted to go instead of working for a year first that if he did not have a cumulative GPA of 3.0, we would stop paying for college. First semester drop-outs do not have GPA's.

 

Mind you, he wants us to subsidize this plan to the tune of $300/month -- a figure he came up with out of thin air.

 

For the past month, he has unsuccessfully tried to convince me to put our third car in his name. It is a 2002 Grand Marquis with over 100K miles on it. We kept it for the use of all 4 kids. He is the only one with a driver's license, so far, but the others will get theirs soon.

Hold the phone. So, he's dropping out, refusing to pay back all that it's cost you, and ALSO wants another $300? :svengo: I'd be taking the car keys from him *unless* he's employed, and coughs up for car related expenses.

He's already researched this plan. He doesn't want my help. His father and I are stupid. We are in good company ... so are all of his teachers at college. In fact, I can't think of a single real adult who is not stupid in his opinion.

 

I can't figure him out. First he told me he was burned out regarding school, he'd been going for 12 years plus this summer. I pointed out that we paid for him to attend German classes at a university this summer because he wanted to do so very much. As far as the previous 5 years went, I didn't think seat-warmers could get burned out.

 

Then he told me he decided to drop out because he hates it and it is my fault because I wouldn't let him take a gap year to work. Untrue. I tried to convince him to work for a year before attending college.

 

Then he told me that his teachers are stupid.

 

Then he told me that he hates living here, where we live. He is not thrilled with the US politically, so he wants to move to Germany.

If he's so much smarter than everyone, why's he expecting you to subsidize him, and pay his way?

I would be willing. DH is not ... we've had this discussion before when I said I would not allow basement dwelling bottom feeders to live in our house. I said the handwriting was on the wall regarding DS1. DH disagreed and said he would never, under any circumstances, make one of our children move out of the house. Period. End of story.

 

It sounds like a lot of gaming hours to me, too. I will be surprised if DS1 gets a job, both through lack of real effort and because of the economy here. I will be more surprised if he keeps it.

Uh oh. Wanna bet that your ds is aware of dh's stance on this? He's literally got NOTHING to lose. He'll be able to have a home, food, etc...there's no negative to his decisions.

 

I don't know what to tell you, RC. I'm furious at the disrespect that your ds is showing you, for the level of entitlement he's exhibiting...Something tells me he's not going to get his head out of his ack until he falls and smacks into the ground. Hard. And w/your dh's stance, I don't see how that's going to happen...b/c w/out a job, he's never moving out. If he got a job moved, and fell...well, that would be a learning experience when Mom and Dad didn't run immed to the rescue, but allowed him to figure out his mistakes.

 

I hope your dh can see the potential damage that could be done here. I understand your dh's heart. I really do. But I think w/this ds, it's the only way he's going to really learn.

[Denisemomof4]

RC, ds20 is such a great kid and is just now figuring out what he wants to do with his life. Will his plans change? I don't know.

 

My ds was also burnt out on school which is why he took a semester off. He dreamed for years of living in Germany (also not a fan of US and it's leaders/powers) and going to school there, even working there afterwards. For me it is so hard to watch this dream and other desires just die away because of the relationship he's in. He's totally losing who he is and doesn't see it. :crying:All he sees is that he is in love with his gf and her family. some things he shares makes me bite my tongue so hard that I am surprised I haven't bitten it off yet. He doesn't even see how he deserves better. He is always the one compromising.

 

But he is going back to college, even choosing to leave his gf to live on campus. Hopefully this time studies will be his #1 priority and not his gf.

 

I'm sorry, I don't mean to make this about me. I do want to share my struggles as I watch my son make his choices, choices I know are not best for him.

 

I really think the best thing for your son would be to move out and learn the reality if life and being responsible for oneself. I don't mean to speak anything negative about your dh, but allowing an adult child to live at home and not go to college or work is only going to harm your son.

[Nestof3]

No. He plans to be a physicist. He has no interest in learning a trade.

 

Don't you just love when they have plans but aren't accomplishing anything in the present to get there? Sigh

[laughing lioness]

If a counselor can help your dh see that his support is the absolute wrong thing for your son that would help. A counselor might also help construct a solid plan that your son would participate in.

 

Or a counselor could make a mess of things. Interview the counselor (I say this as a trained counselor, married to one, whose parents were both therapists). Our dd is in "Pre-pre marital" counseling (whatever the h*ll that is) and his counsel to her is that we are probably "nice" people but, while maybe not abusive, certainly neglectful of our children and that she shouldn't trust us. ("nice" but neglectful/abusive. Ohhhkaaaay....)

 

As my dh says, the American mental healthy system is the largest unreached people group in America. You can't COUNT on a counselor giving wise/sage counsel. Just saying.

[Nestof3]

.

Edited October 25, 2012 by nestof3

[Cinder]

After more discussion, he said that DH makes more money than he can, so he should have to pay us back based on the percentage of DH's income he makes.

 

Mind you, he wants us to subsidize this plan to the tune of $300/month -- a figure he came up with out of thin air.

 

These statements reminded me of that episode of the Cosby Show where Vanessa tries to explain how she deserves a certain $ allowance based on how much money her parents earn.

 

:grouphug: No advice. I watched from the outside as my Mom tried to figure out what to do with my brother. (He's the youngest of 5 and nearly 16 years younger than me.) He wandered aimlessly for about 10 years. He lived at home during that time. I think Mom allowed that mostly because she had regrets about dbro's childhood; too much to go into here. It took a long time but he finally matured to the point of getting into an apprenticeship and moving out and supporting himself. I know those years were tough on her, though, as she was often pressured by her dh (not dbro's father) to kick him out. And she was often frustrated by dbro's apparent lack of direction.

 

:grouphug:

[trlt]

I don't really know you but I wanted to give you hugs :grouphug:. I have a 20 year old son and I know how hard it is to watch them make poor decisions and not listen to sound advice. My advice would be to not let him dictate what you and your DH will do for him. I am finding it is a balancing act between helping our children and enabling them.

[JFSinIL]

My oldest dd is the grasshopper to her sibling's ants - I flat out had to tell her that she either was a full-time cc student with decent grades OR got a job and paid rent once she graduated from high school and turned 18. She has stopped remarking how she is an adult now and can do as she pleases...for I remarked how her dad and I were adults, too, and didn't have to support her, another adult, if it did not please us to do so ;-). She hadn't thought of that...

[Miss Marple]

As scary as it seems, I think I would let him go. I would ask him to finish the semester (maybe with pleading eyes :) ) but that after that, he's on his own. I wouldn't enable him by allowing him to live rent free at home...either school or a full time job.

 

Honestly, it sounds as if he NEEDS to be in charge, to learn what it takes to make a living, and to find his "adult" feet. And Germany? It may not happen. And if it does, it gives you a great place to visit :)

 

There are some kids who have to struggle in order to mature. Others learn and mature by observing. One isn't better than the other...just one is easier on the parents :p My advice: Launch that boy! Let him make the decision and then help him make it work. You don't want him to think his lack of success or happiness is your fault. Do all in your power to help him be successful in whatever he chooses...as long as it's legal ;) ...even if it isn't what you had hoped for him.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I have no advice. My son is so VERY 19 right now that it's killing me. He has class at 9 AM in town, a good hour from here in traffic, but he's still asleep. That's about all I can say on a public forum, but I REALLY sympathize. :grouphug:

[Candid]

Or a counselor could make a mess of things. Interview the counselor (I say this as a trained counselor, married to one, whose parents were both therapists). Our dd is in "Pre-pre marital" counseling (whatever the h*ll that is) and his counsel to her is that we are probably "nice" people but, while maybe not abusive, certainly neglectful of our children and that she shouldn't trust us. ("nice" but neglectful/abusive. Ohhhkaaaay....)

 

As my dh says, the American mental healthy system is the largest unreached people group in America. You can't COUNT on a counselor giving wise/sage counsel. Just saying.

 

Quite true, talking with a counselor before bringing in dh would be a wise idea. I find it hard to believe a counselor could be any worse than letting the kid live his life in the basement playing games, but I can be surprised.

 

I'm not sure about the unreached part, I've known plenty of Christians with flakey ideas on topics like this.

[elegantlion]

He's already researched this plan. He doesn't want my help. His father and I are stupid. We are in good company ... so are all of his teachers at college. In fact, I can't think of a single real adult who is not stupid in his opinion.

 

I can't figure him out. First he told me he was burned out regarding school, he'd been going for 12 years plus this summer. I pointed out that we paid for him to attend German classes at a university this summer because he wanted to do so very much. As far as the previous 5 years went, I didn't think seat-warmers could get burned out.

 

Then he told me he decided to drop out because he hates it and it is my fault because I wouldn't let him take a gap year to work. Untrue. I tried to convince him to work for a year before attending college.

 

Then he told me that his teachers are stupid.

 

Then he told me that he hates living here, where we live. He is not thrilled with the US politically, so he wants to move to Germany.

 

A physicist who lives in a slum. :glare: Hm, I'm sorry. You're not stupid. :grouphug: You're smart, you've worked hard, and you've had some bad luck. I know, for myself, I've wondered if being smart and working hard is worth it if it all blows up after 40. It is, in the end, but these are tough times to be coming of age. You've seen your parents sacrifice and be a success and many of us that have done that have been forced to regroup

 

He sounds angry. All of these life situations probably happened and derailed some of the plans he wanted years ago. BTDT, as a well-seasoned adult it's hard to deal with. I can't imagine 18.

 

Have you considered sending him on walkabout? I don't know that I'd trust an 18 year old to do it (not there age wise), but I have a friend who did an American Walkabout in his late 20s. Planned and packed and saved and was prepared to wander the country for a year, no car, no phone, popping onto the Internet when possible. He really did find himself in a sense, He even wrote a book. He hitchhiked, used couchsurfing to crash places. He's a survivalist type guy, but he prepared well. I knew him for a while before he went, when he came home he was different, peaceful, content with himself. Just offering an option.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: