Advice about GrandParents-In-Law and the holidays - and vent.

[Outinthegarden]

This is long - sorry! We have transitioned my husbands grandparents into an assisted living home a short distance from our house. (you can see my other post about that experience) Now here is the dilemma - his grandmother has been very mean and ugly to me. DH knows about it and does not condone it.

 

She has insisted that she told us things that she never did. Example: that the grandfather had a kidney problem years before he almost died. We never knew either of their health issues, as they purposely kept them from us. We found out about the kidney failure from the phone call of "you need to come asap as your grandfather is in the hospital and we aren't sure he will make it!" I even went to dh and asked him and he said, "no, she NEVER told us that - ever" and when I have said that to her I am called a liar, and that I am projecting "vile hatred" at her. :confused:

 

There are lots and lots of other things, and my dh and I believe that she has dementia/alzhemiers. We are trying not to go with the she just forgets and then is mean as a viper!:D

 

We had an issue when the GPIL lived with us where my dd9 mentioned that she wasn't allowed to have pie because she was in trouble for sneaking dh's M&M's. This was mentioned innocently from my dd (who is one of those talkers). Before we moved them, GMIL said to dd9 that she was a little sneaky girl and a thief! And then said to me "she is sneaky. you need to watch out for her - she is a thief. She even TOLD me she was sneaky." I spent a LOT of time consoling this child who was crying a river wanting to know why her granny (she is actually the kids great-grandmother) hates her and why would she say such a thing!! I was so mad - you could have picked me off the ceiling with a spatula!:mad:

 

Fast forward to this week on Wednesday. Phone rings, I answer, GMIL "is dh there?" Nicely said from me: No, he is working, is there something I can help you with? (she knows this and has his cell phone #) GMIL in a very nasty tone: No, not at all - CLICK.:001_huh:

 

I called her back: Very nicely I said to her, it would probably be best that when you need something you should call dh's cell phone number. (my dh has his own business and works a lot) She says: well, you told me never to call him again!

 

Not so, I asked her repeated times, as did my DH that if she or GFIL needed to go somewhere that the shuttle wouldn't take them that they needed to call me. We asked her NOT to call him M-F from 8-6 and ask HIM to TAKE them places because he really needs to be at the office. The assisted living home they live at has a FREE shuttle that will take them anywhere, including Doctor's - the GMIL just refuses to use it!! We have lost 2 clients due to the time my dh has been out of the office since May taking care of his grandparents.

 

So, I again explain to her that I never told her not to call him. We just asked her not to call during work hours and ask him to take them places. It was not a problem for her to call him. She then went into this tirade about how I am a liar, and I am an evil, vile, wicked person and I have a sick mind. I let her ramble on and then finally said, "Granny, I think that it would be best for you to not call the house again. you should only call dh's cell from now on." and I hung up. I was very angry, and very upset. I've been called a lot of things before but vile, evil and wicked have not been any of them.:001_huh:

 

Then, my dh's mother calls me, who has been very kind since she's been here amazingly. She proceeds to tell me about how her mother has been ranting about us homeschooling. How she doesn't like it and that our children can't read (which is not true) and how they aren't even in a christian school..... I asked her how long that has been going on. She said for well over a year.:angry:

 

I talked to dh about it and said that's it. I am done. She will not see me or the kids again. I will not have that - just not going to do that again! So, dh is okay with that, he understands and is in agreement about not putting the kids in a place where mean things can be said, as once they are said there is no taking them back. Another thing the GMIL tries to do is pry/interrogate information out of the children that is really none of her business. When the children say, we aren't suppose to talk about it, she goes on with, "why can't you talk to me - I'm Granny?" :mad: But my MIL (these are her parents) is upset because I told her there would be no thanksgiving/Christmas at our house with them. DH will go to the assisted living to see them or if he brings them here, the children and I will leave during that time. She wants to know why I can't ignore her mother like she did growing up and all her life. Apparently my MIL has had this verbal treament all her life.

 

What do I do? I am starting to feel bad, what if this is GrandfatherIL's last holidays? Would that be right to do? I'm not keeping my dh from his grandparents and he can see them whenever he likes. I just really don't even know if I can be in the same room with this women and not want to scream. Oh, things were sooo much easier when we didn't have any family living here and we only saw family twice a year.:banghead:

[Ellie]

This is long - sorry! We have transitioned my husbands grandparents into an assisted living home a short distance from our house. (you can see my other post about that experience) Now here is the dilemma - his grandmother has been very mean and ugly to me. DH knows about it and does not condone it.

 

She has insisted that she told us things that she never did. Example: that the grandfather had a kidney problem years before he almost died. We never knew either of their health issues, as they purposely kept them from us. We found out about the kidney failure from the phone call of "you need to come asap as your grandfather is in the hospital and we aren't sure he will make it!" I even went to dh and asked him and he said, "no, she NEVER told us that - ever" and when I have said that to her I am called a liar, and that I am projecting "vile hatred" at her. :confused:

 

There are lots and lots of other things, and my dh and I believe that she has dementia/alzhemiers. We are trying not to go with the she just forgets and then is mean as a viper!:D

 

We had an issue when the GPIL lived with us where my dd9 mentioned that she wasn't allowed to have pie because she was in trouble for sneaking dh's M&M's. This was mentioned innocently from my dd (who is one of those talkers). Before we moved them, GMIL said to dd9 that she was a little sneaky girl and a thief! And then said to me "she is sneaky. you need to watch out for her - she is a thief. She even TOLD me she was sneaky." I spent a LOT of time consoling this child who was crying a river wanting to know why her granny (she is actually the kids great-grandmother) hates her and why would she say such a thing!! I was so mad - you could have picked me off the ceiling with a spatula!:mad:

 

Fast forward to this week on Wednesday. Phone rings, I answer, GMIL "is dh there?" Nicely said from me: No, he is working, is there something I can help you with? (she knows this and has his cell phone #) GMIL in a very nasty tone: No, not at all - CLICK.:001_huh:

 

I called her back: Very nicely I said to her, it would probably be best that when you need something you should call dh's cell phone number. (my dh has his own business and works a lot) She says: well, you told me never to call him again!

 

Not so, I asked her repeated times, as did my DH that if she or GFIL needed to go somewhere that the shuttle wouldn't take them that they needed to call me. We asked her NOT to call him M-F from 8-6 and ask HIM to TAKE them places because he really needs to be at the office. The assisted living home they live at has a FREE shuttle that will take them anywhere, including Doctor's - the GMIL just refuses to use it!! We have lost 2 clients due to the time my dh has been out of the office since May taking care of his grandparents.

 

So, I again explain to her that I never told her not to call him. We just asked her not to call during work hours and ask him to take them places. It was not a problem for her to call him. She then went into this tirade about how I am a liar, and I am an evil, vile, wicked person and I have a sick mind. I let her ramble on and then finally said, "Granny, I think that it would be best for you to not call the house again. you should only call dh's cell from now on." and I hung up. I was very angry, and very upset. I've been called a lot of things before but vile, evil and wicked have not been any of them.:001_huh:

 

Then, my dh's mother calls me, who has been very kind since she's been here amazingly. She proceeds to tell me about how her mother has been ranting about us homeschooling. How she doesn't like it and that our children can't read (which is not true) and how they aren't even in a christian school..... I asked her how long that has been going on. She said for well over a year.:angry:

 

I talked to dh about it and said that's it. I am done. She will not see me or the kids again. I will not have that - just not going to do that again! So, dh is okay with that, he understands and is in agreement about not putting the kids in a place where mean things can be said, as once they are said there is no taking them back. Another thing the GMIL tries to do is pry/interrogate information out of the children that is really none of her business. When the children say, we aren't suppose to talk about it, she goes on with, "why can't you talk to me - I'm Granny?" :mad: But my MIL (these are her parents) is upset because I told her there would be no thanksgiving/Christmas at our house with them. DH will go to the assisted living to see them or if he brings them here, the children and I will leave during that time. She wants to know why I can't ignore her mother like she did growing up and all her life. Apparently my MIL has had this verbal treament all her life.

 

What do I do? I am starting to feel bad, what if this is GrandfatherIL's last holidays? Would that be right to do? I'm not keeping my dh from his grandparents and he can see them whenever he likes. I just really don't even know if I can be in the same room with this women and not want to scream. Oh, things were sooo much easier when we didn't have any family living here and we only saw family twice a year.:banghead:

 

 

 

Don't invite them to your home. Let your dh go visit them. Your dh should tell his mother that he doesn't want you to have to put up with the verbal abuse...well, it would be better if he said it, but if he won't, then you say it.

[Farrar]

Well, regardless of whatever else you end up doing, stop engaging with them over these issues. She baited you before she hung up and you totally took the bait and called her back. And she's probably been hoping that her ranting would find its way to your ears and make you mad. And you let it. Step back. She's clearly very old. She is probably not completely in her right mind. Sounds like dh and mil both support and value you and aren't buying into her nonsense. So don't go out of your way to argue or talk to her.

[TammyS]

She wants to know why I can't ignore her mother like she did growing up and all her life.

 

You can. But you choose not to. Just tell her that. Some people are willing to take it. Some aren't. Not her place to have an opinion about it.

 

Also, this is the BEST advice I've ever given in my life, so get ready:

 

Don't talk to crazy people. Just don't. Not even a little. You will NEVER come out of it feeling even ok, much less good. Just say no to drug and talking to crazy people. If you take this advice your happiness quotient will increase by an amount that requires scientific notation.

[Spryte]

OP, :grouphug:. I have someone in my life who sounds just like your in-law. Reading your post had me nodding and relating. I, too, tend to engage when perhaps it would be best if I ignored her. (I would have called back, too, but in hindsight would wish I had not.) I think you need to protect yourself, and your children, from the verbal abuse.

 

This advice is excellent:

 

 

Also, this is the BEST advice I've ever given in my life, so get ready:

 

Don't talk to crazy people. Just don't. Not even a little. You will NEVER come out of it feeling even ok, much less good. Just say no to drug and talking to crazy people. If you take this advice your happiness quotient will increase by an amount that requires scientific notation.

 

I need to tattoo that backwards on my forehead so I see it in the mirror everyday!

[Joanne]

I called her back: Very nicely I said to her, it would probably be best that when you need something you should call dh's cell phone number. (my dh has his own business and works a lot) She says: well, you told me never to call him again!

 

 

Why? :confused: This shows poor boundaries. You keep engaging with people over *content* (call DH on such and such number, my daughter ate PIE, homeschooling......) when their process (the WAY they do things) is severely flawed and twisted.

 

Stop engaging. You won't win. You are the one who ends up upset.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Get caller ID. When she calls, text DH and let him know GMIL needs something. He can return her call at his convenience. If she needs to go somewhere she can use the service at the care facility.

 

I wouldn't deal with her for the holidays because of the way she treats your children. I think the plan to have DH visit her alone while you and the kids are elsewhere is the best plan.

Edited October 12, 2012 by LemonPie

[Night Elf]

She wants to know why I can't ignore her mother like she did growing up and all her life. Apparently my MIL has had this verbal treament all her life.

 

Since your MIL is so nice and understanding, gently tell her you're sorry she had to grow up like that but you simply cannot in good conscious do that to yourself or your children since you do have a choice.

 

I wouldn't bring that woman to my house for the holidays. She'll make you all unhappy. It seems unrealistic that you and your children should leave just so she can be in the house. How is that even seen as a possibility? How many people will be there? Where would you go? And how will you deal with the others who think you're the one being rude for not being there in your own home playing hostess?

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: Speaking as a former child, kids can silently retain hurtful things said for a long time, especially if it comes from a family member who is suppose to love you. I think it would be best to protect your children from your grandmother-in-law by cutting off contact. It's sad, and it will probably cause some feelings of guilt, especially when they die, but it needs to be done.

[AK_Mom4]

Stop. Just Stop.

Don't answer the phone when she calls. Let her leave a message and have your DH listen to it later. Just don't visit her on holidays. She's obviously got a screw loose somewhere upstairs.

 

Control what YOU have control over - your behavior.

[NorthwestMom]

 

Also, this is the BEST advice I've ever given in my life, so get ready:

 

Don't talk to crazy people. Just don't. Not even a little. You will NEVER come out of it feeling even ok, much less good. Just say no to drug and talking to crazy people. If you take this advice your happiness quotient will increase by an amount that requires scientific notation.

 

TammyS, you are not kidding. That IS excellent advice and you are RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT.

[Outinthegarden]

Thank you ladies. I know I should not have taken the bait! She called again today - I didn't answer, looked at caller id and let the machine get it. "Oh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said to you. I was having a very tense and bad day."

 

This is the first time an apology has come. Which really didn't sound like an apology, even my dh who called just to hear the voice mail said. I think she realizes she has crossed the line and I am NOT her daughter (door mat) Or her daughter may have very well called her and told her I said I would have nothing more to do with her and she would not ever see the great grandkids again. It seems like she likes to stir the pot so to speak on M-W-F when her husband is off at dialysis, where he won't hear what a mean spirited person she is!

 

TammyS - thank you! That was priceless and I've put it on an index card and put it by my bathroom mirror!!:D

 

My dh is having his grandfather here tomorrow to fish in our pond, this will most likely be our last warm weekend (we are in TN). GMIL will of course come a long. I have planned to take the kids to see a movie and then do our grocery/errands after instead of this afternoon. DH is fine with that.

 

I have made up my mind - no holidays here at my house with them. Only other family that live here is dh's mother, and as far as I am concerned these are her parents and if she wants to have the holidays with them she can, but the children and I will not be in attendance. Now I just have to find away to keep out the guilty feelings little voice in my head.:Angel_anim:

[Zebra]

 

Also, this is the BEST advice I've ever given in my life, so get ready:

 

Don't talk to crazy people. Just don't. Not even a little. You will NEVER come out of it feeling even ok, much less good. Just say no to drug and talking to crazy people. If you take this advice your happiness quotient will increase by an amount that requires scientific notation.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

She's not going to change. Nothing you will do will make her change, and she most likely won't change on her own. Sometimes people are just jerks, and it's best to admit that to yourself, not engage with them anymore, and live your life.

[Remudamom]

I think it's fine to protect your children from her, whether or not she has dementia or is just plain nasty. If you feel really guilty go see her yourself, but the children should be exempt from more abuse.

[melissad2]

Why? :confused: This shows poor boundaries. You keep engaging with people over *content* (call DH on such and such number, my daughter ate PIE, homeschooling......) when their process (the WAY they do things) is severely flawed and twisted.

 

Stop engaging. You won't win. You are the one who ends up upset.

 

:iagree:

 

You cannot win. Do not even try. End the relationship...now.

[TammyS]

It seems like she likes to stir the pot so to speak on M-W-F :Angel_anim:

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

OMG, you can't imagine how FUNNY that sounds in my head!!

 

M-W-F:

 

vacuum dog hair

science lessons

stir the pot

:smilielol5:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: i'm sorry. it is really tough. would your dh consider having his dad over to fish without his mom coming? you shouldn't have to leave your home.... although i do understand that it makes sense to go.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[Outinthegarden]

TammyS - I actually picture the scene from the wizard of oz where the ____ is standing over the big pot stirring it. Except in this case it is a white haired lady hunched over holding the phone in her hand getting ready to dial my phone number and using a Vincent Price voice saying Muhhhhaaaawhaaaaaaaw! :lol::lol::lol:

 

I'm really not mean - I'm just trying to find some humor in a not humorous situation. :D

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: Speaking as a former child, kids can silently retain hurtful things said for a long time, especially if it comes from a family member who is suppose to love you. I think it would be best to protect your children from your grandmother-in-law by cutting off contact. It's sad, and it will probably cause some feelings of guilt, especially when they die, but it needs to be done.

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[Just Another Jen]

Don't talk to crazy people. Just don't. Not even a little. You will NEVER come out of it feeling even ok, much less good. Just say no to drug and talking to crazy people. If you take this advice your happiness quotient will increase by an amount that requires scientific notation.

---Tammy S.

 

I've printed this out and put it on my fridge.

I totally agree and just needed to hear someone else say it.

[Catwoman]

My dh is having his grandfather here tomorrow to fish in our pond, this will most likely be our last warm weekend (we are in TN). GMIL will of course come a long. I have planned to take the kids to see a movie and then do our grocery/errands after instead of this afternoon. DH is fine with that.

 

I have made up my mind - no holidays here at my house with them. Only other family that live here is dh's mother, and as far as I am concerned these are her parents and if she wants to have the holidays with them she can, but the children and I will not be in attendance. Now I just have to find away to keep out the guilty feelings little voice in my head.:Angel_anim:

 

Personally, I don't think GMIL should be allowed in your home EVER.

 

If your dh wants to see her, he can go and visit her. If it's a holiday, he can see her on the day before or the day after, but the holiday should be spent with you and the kids. NEVER LEAVE YOUR OWN HOME SO THIS HORRIBLE WOMAN CAN VISIT. NEVER!!! And please don't encourage your dh to attend family gatherings without you and the kids. That's not fair to you, and the kids' feelings will be hurt. Your dh's place is with you, and he needs to let his family know that you are his priority, so if GMIL will be at a family function, you guys won't be attending.

 

I know it sounds very mean, but your GMIL sounds toxic, deceitful, manipulative, and all-around awful, and you and your children should not have to deal with her.

[thebacabunch]

My mil is a lot like your gmil. Don't engage with her. She feeds on it. Before we cut her off my mil did a lot of damage to my little 4 yr old dd. Not because of what she said to her but what mil said to me in front of her. Be strong.

[besroma]

It is great that your DH is so supportive.

 

You are doing the right thing.

 

I hope you can enjoy your holiday.:grouphug:

[Julie in CA]

I interact with crazy people all the time. Crazy, old, sometimes bitter people.

 

If you decide to bless your mil and perhaps your dh by not rocking the boat, I think this is not a bad thing to remember and to teach your dc:

 

"So-and-so is getting very old. It's very sad that she does and says these things that don't make any sense. She must be very miserable to say such mean things, and it's likely that her mind no longer works well enough to treat people well." (Then you sigh, shake your head in pity, give your dc a small smile, and move on to something else)

 

We've lost the ability to shrug at craziness and forget it. There's crazy everywhere, and I think it's worth finding ways to deal with it, 'cause it's not going away.

 

Some of the loveliest people say and do really horrible things when they become very old and feel they have nothing left in life. I hope that even if I become rather crazy in my old age, that the people around me don't allow it the power to hurt them. I also hope that if they can find it in their hearts, they will find a way to not leave me completely without family contact even if I'm stark raving mad (which I very well may be already!).

 

Limiting contact is one way to protect your dc from the hurtful comments, but another option is to teach your dc to pity those who clearly make no sense, and to disregard their lunacy as sad without accepting & allowing what's been said to affect them, kwim?

 

-Just another perspective. I know that lots of people won't agree with me that it's healthier to just not believe what crazy people say than to cut off contact completely, but it's an option and I thought I'd throw it out there just in case you might find it useful.

[Ravin]

I have a grandmother like this in some ways. Currently, my mother is not speaking to her, and I have not contacted her in years. Mom was done when Gma said she only wanted her to visit if she came alone--without my stepdad or 5 and 3yo. siblings. All these years we thought she was "just" racist for rejecting her 3rd husband's grandkids who were transracially adopted. Nope, she apparently thinks all adoption is illegitimate and refuses to acknowledge her two youngest grandkids.

 

Forced to choose between her children and her mother, my mom chose her children. And her biological children (all of us in our 30's and none live near grma) readily made the same choice.

 

I frankly feel sorry for my aunt and great aunt who live near her and have to deal with her.

 

Neither being old nor being family is a license to treat others badly. You have every right to not associate with her and to protect your children from her abuse, as does your DH.

[Alphabetika]

:grouphug: Speaking as a former child, kids can silently retain hurtful things said for a long time, especially if it comes from a family member who is suppose to love you. I think it would be best to protect your children from your grandmother-in-law by cutting off contact. It's sad, and it will probably cause some feelings of guilt, especially when they die, but it needs to be done.

 

 

:iagree: I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's scary for kids when someone who is "supposed to" love them does not, or acts as if she doesn't. It doesn't even matter the reason, really, it's the experience that stays with them. I don't disagree with the poster who urged compassion and pity and an explanation of the older person's mental state. But I think from a child's point of view, it's the experiential part that sticks. No matter how much compassion a child may have, the memory will be of being put in a situation where there is anger, tension, meanness, spite, and having absolutely no control over it because it's been (seemingly) sanctioned by the adult in charge.

 

I have not been in the OP's situation, but I have been in a situation where my mother was in very poor health and was in a nursing care facility for several weeks prior to her death. Previous to this she had lived with us for five years. My two older children were 17 and 12 at the time, and they would come to the facility with me sometimes. The only way it worked was that I let them have control of how long they spent with Grandma. They loved their Grandma and she wasn't in any way like the grandparent the OP is experiencing. But it's so hard to be in that situation - unfamiliar, emotional, just plain freaky- that I let them decide when they'd had enough. They would then wait in the lobby until I was done with my visit.

 

I don't mean to hijack with my own story. I guess I mean to say that through the experience with my mom - which ended with her kidneys failing and her choosing not to have dialysis, so we saw her die slowly - I became acutely aware of how differently children, even teen children, experience this type of family dynamic. No matter how mature they are, they don't have a context to place it in, and it's very difficult for them to process the emotions that the adults (i.e. me or the OP) are experiencing. Children don't get to set their own boundaries in these situations, usually, so they rely on the adults to do it for them. In the OP's case, the tighter boundaries the better, IMHO, especially since her dh supports her in that.

Edited October 13, 2012 by Alphabetika

[Lisbeth]

Personally, I don't think GMIL should be allowed in your home EVER.

 

If your dh wants to see her, he can go and visit her. If it's a holiday, he can see her on the day before or the day after, but the holiday should be spent with you and the kids. NEVER LEAVE YOUR OWN HOME SO THIS HORRIBLE WOMAN CAN VISIT. NEVER!!! And please don't encourage your dh to attend family gatherings without you and the kids. That's not fair to you, and the kids' feelings will be hurt. Your dh's place is with you, and he needs to let his family know that you are his priority, so if GMIL will be at a family function, you guys won't be attending.

 

I know it sounds very mean, but your GMIL sounds toxic, deceitful, manipulative, and all-around awful, and you and your children should not have to deal with her.

 

This x 100

[Just Another Jen]

 

We've lost the ability to shrug at craziness and forget it. There's crazy everywhere, and I think it's worth finding ways to deal with it, 'cause it's not going away.

 

 

 

This is true. You can't always cut off contact. I hope you find a way to get through this with your sense of humor intact.

[gardenmom5]

There are lots and lots of other things, and my dh and I believe that she has dementia/alzhemiers. We are trying not to go with the she just forgets and then is mean as a viper!:D

 

. Apparently my MIL has had this verbal treament all her life.

 

 

that is NOT new, and probably not alzheimer's/dementia. (though they could can definitely make things worse.) that sounds like your gmil has some type of personality disorder and the only thing you can do is erect hard and fast boundaries.

 

If there is affection for gfil, I would probably invite them - with conditions. I would also make firm planning beforehand. Have activities to keep gmil occupied while awaiting dinner. sit her away from the children. have acitvities for the children in a different part of the house. pass out assignments to rational adults before hand to derail inappropriate questioning from gmil. give each person a time slot where they are responsible for "entertaining" her and keeping her busy away from the children. yes, it's alot of work, but this isn't for her, but your gfil.

 

eta: do treat her like it's dementia. don't argue, simply repeat. ad nauseum if required. if dil's availble, repeat his cell number and suggest she call him. if he's not, ask if you can help/take a message. stop arguing with her over things. dh has a favorite saying "don't try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig".

Edited October 13, 2012 by gardenmom5