CalicoKat Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 My sister is a nurse. She works the graveyard shift and gets home between 7-8:30 a.m. Her husband works the early shift and leaves for work at 4:30 a.m. During the last school year their kids would spend the night at my mother's and she would get them up and ready for school. This summer the kids spent a boat load of time at my mother's because there just wasn't anyone home to supervise. My mother is burned out. She just can't do the night shift with the kids and get them ready for school. My sister says she can't afford to pay a sitter to come in for a couple hours in the a.m. after hubby leaves. And now for the last couple weeks before school the kids are home while she's trying to sleep--it isn't working. So .......... do I rescue her and offer to do what my mother was doing. Of course, it's sans $$. Or do I just nod and pat her shoulder. I really think she outta get a sitter during the school year for those couple hours in the a.m. I offered to come for $8/hr but she was like, "I can't afford it." Part of me asking for money was to help her realize what my mother has been doing for her. Of course there's the new $300 weber grill, new furniture, new electronic gadgets, new books, new cello & guitar + lesssons, etc. that I'm shown when go there. Then my sister calls tonight and she's sobbing, "I'm so tired. I had to call someone and cry on their shoulder. I don't know what I'm going to do Saturday when we both work the day shift." So the kids are coming here and I'll have to figure out how to juggle 8 kids, a horse show and volunteer hours in the food tent. :glare: Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 I would help but only every so often. I would definitely say no the next couple times you are asked. Can any of your kids volunteer in the food tent or help watch the others? (I don't know how old they are). The concern is not that you want to be helpful, but how does this impact what you are doing and your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 I am sorry for those kids! How old are they? If they're little, how are you going to watch all of them on Saturday, with all you have to do?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) oops Edited August 21, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar Weird, I posted the same type of thing twice. Need. Sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 They have two incomes- they can probably afford to pay someone but they aren't willing to give up luxuries. It would be nice for you to help, but in the long run you might resent it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 A fair # of hospitals have in house daycares, or work w/24 daycare centres. I'd suggest she look into that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 If they were in desperate straits, I'd be inclined to help some. However, if they can afford music lessons, they can afford a sitter. Hate to say it but classical guitar lessons alone are $200.00 a month here (1 hr. lessons) plus books and expensive guitar. If they can buy electronics, they can get a babysitter. It sounds like a matter of NOT wanting to pay for babysitting and hoping to get it for free. Now, if they truly can't afford it and they are running up a credit card for these things, then there is an even bigger problem looming ahead that you won't be able to bail them out of anyway. I would not agree to keep all of the children if I had a horse show. So, I think you are a saint for doing so, but make it perfectly clear that you are bailing them out of this one jam and not to make a habit of calling because this is not a precedent for future arrangements. I had an aunt that used to do this to my grandparents ALL the time. They loved their grands and wanted to spend time with them, but it was a constant begging for daycare and eventually, my grandfather's health began to suffer. The rest of the grands came at holidays, birthdays, or special invites for a day with grandpa and grandma...these kids were there pretty much everyday. Finally, when she would.not.take.a.hint., my grandparents issued her a bill for childcare and told her she would need to pay it or find a babysitter, but that her children were more than welcome to come to grandma's and grandpa's house by invitation along with the rest of the grands. She didn't pay the bill and low and behold, did find a sitter and paid that bill on time every week! Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 You didn't mention how old any of the kids are. I'm assuming they aren't even close to being old enough to get themselves up and ready for school in the morning. Personally, I wouldn't help when there's evidence that they could afford it if they just stopped spending their money. They need to make some choices to do what they need to for their family. Try not to get roped in to helping all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I'm wondering if anybody has ever sat this pair down and informed them what it means to raise kids. It's their job to make sure someone is awake and taking care of the children through the summer. It's their job to make sure someone is actively tending the children and sending them off to school on time, clean and decently clothed, and properly fed. "Making sure" doesn't mean whining and guilt-tripping until someone steps in and does your work for you. It means actively arranging for care, and valuing the people who take care of your children enough to actually compensate them for it. Are these kids being neglected? Are they going hungry, or living in a filthy house? Or would they be, if it weren't for your now-exhausted Mom, and they're facing stuff like this now that Grandma can't take care of them? Might be time to get real with sis and BIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReneeK Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I would help when you can-but not to often. Tell her you can't do it all the time. It seems like family and friends who don't homeschool think we have nothing to do. I don't think it would be worth the stress or the relationship problems it could cause with your sister. I did this with my brother-law for a year when I first started homeschooling.They would forget to pay me or didn't have enough to pay. I think it was only $150 month they paid me.(That was all they claimed to be able to afford and they were suppose to bring their kids own food and snacks) They always seem to have money for new expensive t.v.'s and other things. Then they stopped helping with food. Never picked up the kids on time and it got later and later. It was a mess and they took full advantage of it all. Just my advice since it sounds like a lot of stress trying to school your kids and get hers off to school on time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I'm wondering if anybody has ever sat this pair down and informed them what it means to raise kids. It's their job to make sure someone is awake and taking care of the children through the summer. It's their job to make sure someone is actively tending the children and sending them off to school on time, clean and decently clothed, and properly fed. "Making sure" doesn't mean whining and guilt-tripping until someone steps in and does your work for you. It means actively arranging for care, and valuing the people who take care of your children enough to actually compensate them for it. Are these kids being neglected? Are they going hungry, or living in a filthy house? Or would they be, if it weren't for your now-exhausted Mom, and they're facing stuff like this now that Grandma can't take care of them? Might be time to get real with sis and BIL. From now on, I'm just going to follow Tibbie around with this sign :iagree:. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I forget who it was who said that no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them. I would be sympathetic to the situation but in no way would I allow myself to be volunteered or co-opted into free babysitting. That's just me. If you ever get it started, it is going to be awfully hard to stop again. I'd say something like "I"m sorry you all are having such a hard time. That stinks." Rinse. Repeat. As often as necessary. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I wouldn't have agreed to the weekend because of the horse show/food tent thing. That would simply be too much for me. However, since you've already agreed, I'd make it clear that this is a ONE TIME DEAL and that you will not be helping out any of the following days or weekends. Or, if you're inclined, tell her you're willing to watch the kids until [insert date in the very near future] while she works out childcare, but that it is absolutely not a permanent arrangement. I suspect that she's one of those types that, once the door has been cracked the teensiest bit, will shove her foot in and pry it wide open and take as much advantage as she possibly can. Because she's HAD time to work this out and has simply chosen not to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Just say no. It sounds like she's one of those people where if you give an inch, she'll take a mile. You said yes for this weekend, so she WILL be asking you again, and the more you cave, the harder it will be to say no in the future. If she can afford all those nice, new, expensive things, she can make the choice to pay a baby-sitter and forgo some of the non-essentials. If she gets exhausted enough, that's just what she'll do. Let her burn out. It's not your job or your mother's job to raise her kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Does she have little ones or are they all at school during the day? Because in her shoes I would sleep after the kids go to school. Or nap and then wake up and get them ready and go back to bed until they get home. It's surprising that she hasn't figured out childcare this far into mommyhood. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) OTOH, my sister had never asked for the unreasonable, and she helps me whenever she can. Edited August 23, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 22, 2012 Author Share Posted August 22, 2012 You didn't mention how old any of the kids are. I'm assuming they aren't even close to being old enough to get themselves up and ready for school in the morning. Personally, I wouldn't help when there's evidence that they could afford it if they just stopped spending their money. They need to make some choices to do what they need to for their family. Try not to get roped in to helping all the time. 13, 11, and 7. If they didn't fight, not just bicker, so much it would work out. But those kids aren't able to get along. Ever. The 11 yo has aspergers--recently diagnosed according to the school district--and he flips out and runs away if someone challenges his sassy behavior. He's not like any aspergers kid I've ever met. I personally think it's a label to keep the parents from feeling like they've had a hand in creating his behavior. The school district has taken to calling my sister to come and pick him up when he has a tantrum at school. He's been expelled for biting & hitting a teacher too. I've never seen this at my home. My son and him are good friends and there's a bit of positive peer pressure in our favor there. The 7 yo does all she can to poke & prod her brother into having an outburst. Those usually require police & psychologist intervention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 22, 2012 Author Share Posted August 22, 2012 My mother and I have been taking turns caring for my sister's son since he was 6 mos old old, and she went back to work. We worked really hard-- the child never even had a bottle. He nursed for several years, even. She has a full time job; he's 6 now, and we take turns picking him him up from school (private) and she reduced her schedule for summer. We do it for free. We would rather her put her family money to music lessons for him, and a good school than pay us. I don't want to hs him, although we had considered it. He's a wonderful, happy, smart little guy who is adored by all of us. OTOH, my sister had never asked for the unreasonable, and she helps me whenever she can. She has never offered to take my kids when her schedule permits. Occasionally she'll take one of my kids and leave one of her's in exchange. Thanks everyone for affirming that it's OK to say no. I'm going to be firm. I'll manage for the horse show. I'll put them to work in the food booth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 They have two incomes and, at least in my area, nurses get paid pretty well. I'm betting they *can* afford to pay a babysitter for a short period of time, but chose to spend the money on more fun things because they know they can guilt family members into doing it for free. I'm not against helping out family members when they really need it or for a day or two when they are overwhelmed, but in this case I think you should give a listening ear and nothing else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Another suggestion would be to help them find an easy, good care giver. Maybe you know an older homeschooled teen who would come in that transitional time to help (for pay). I would not be able to volunteer for this role and not feel taken advantage of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 If they were in desperate straits, I'd be inclined to help some. However, if they can afford music lessons, they can afford a sitter. Hate to say it but classical guitar lessons alone are $200.00 a month here (1 hr. lessons) plus books and expensive guitar. If they can buy electronics, they can get a babysitter. It sounds like a matter of NOT wanting to pay for babysitting and hoping to get it for free. <snip> :iagree: They have two incomes- they can probably afford to pay someone but they aren't willing to give up luxuries. It would be nice for you to help, but in the long run you might resent it. :iagree: They have two incomes and, at least in my area, nurses get paid pretty well. I'm betting they *can* afford to pay a babysitter for a short period of time, but chose to spend the money on more fun things because they know they can guilt family members into doing it for free. I'm not against helping out family members when they really need it or for a day or two when they are overwhelmed, but in this case I think you should give a listening ear and nothing else. :iagree: My rule for babysitting is I do charge if I watching the kids because the parents are working (making money) and I don't charge if I'm helping with the kids while my mom is at a dr's appt or something. Our family is "giving up" an income for me to stay at home and just because we made that decision for our family doesn't mean that everyone should benefit from it. We don't have the extra funds to purchase a Weber grill, new furniture, music lessons, etc... I know I would get resentful if I watched someone else's children for free and they were buying the above, but claimed not to have funds to pay me. Some people place the value on material things and consider childcare something that shouldn't cost anything, especially if done by a family member. As your sister knows, watching the kids is time consuming and having extra children around is a lot of work. Of course, if there is an extra-ordinary circumstance, I would have a different answer, but I feel that sister wants to take advantage of you. For the sake of your relationship, your sister needs to pay you - unless she babysits for other times on a regular basis so it evens out. :iagree: 100million% A handy phrase to keep in mind: "Your poor planning is not my emergency." No way in the world would I do this for free... It would take me all of two seconds to get grumpy about somebody using me as a free babysitter so they could go make money to buy things I can't afford to dream about... and I'm not the covetous type. My answer might be different if they were both working minimum wage jobs and struggling to put food on the table and go to school at night to train for a better job... but not so they can have luxuries. Think of it this way: Would you BUY them a $500 gift every month? No? By watching her kids for free and not charging $500/month (wild guess- never did daycare here) that's essentially what you're doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 (edited) Your poor sister is just exhausted. :crying: Somebody cue the violins. :nopity: :nopity: :nopity: I think it's just lovely that your sister thinks it's OK for you to be exhausted after watching her kids for free. You know, so she doesn't have to be exhausted watching her own kids. :glare: Because she's exhausted. :rolleyes: She's pulling a fast one. Don't let her get away with it. Just say no. It's time for her to grow up and realize that kids cost money, and if she has to give up a few manicures or dinners out to pay for a babysitter, well, Welcome to Reality, Sis. Don't feel sorry for her. Let her suck it up and deal with it. Edited August 22, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpecialClassical Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Well, I must be coldhearted since I quit babysitting for a friend partly because she was making big bucks an hour and paying me $5/hr. Plus the disruption to my day just wasn't worth it. I was basically giving up our routine and productivity so she could work. I just said no and we are good friends to this day. She felt she was being fair and I agreed to the terms. When I no longer wanted to do it, she adjusted. Mature people will do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Oh, heck no! Time to start screening your calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I'm wondering if anybody has ever sat this pair down and informed them what it means to raise kids. It's their job to make sure someone is awake and taking care of the children through the summer. It's their job to make sure someone is actively tending the children and sending them off to school on time, clean and decently clothed, and properly fed. "Making sure" doesn't mean whining and guilt-tripping until someone steps in and does your work for you. It means actively arranging for care, and valuing the people who take care of your children enough to actually compensate them for it. Are these kids being neglected? Are they going hungry, or living in a filthy house? Or would they be, if it weren't for your now-exhausted Mom, and they're facing stuff like this now that Grandma can't take care of them? Might be time to get real with sis and BIL. :iagree: Tibbie, I need to channel you when my adult kids pull this with me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 22, 2012 Author Share Posted August 22, 2012 I'm wondering if anybody has ever sat this pair down and informed them what it means to raise kids. It's their job to make sure someone is awake and taking care of the children through the summer. It's their job to make sure someone is actively tending the children and sending them off to school on time, clean and decently clothed, and properly fed. "Making sure" doesn't mean whining and guilt-tripping until someone steps in and does your work for you. It means actively arranging for care, and valuing the people who take care of your children enough to actually compensate them for it. Are these kids being neglected? Are they going hungry, or living in a filthy house? Or would they be, if it weren't for your now-exhausted Mom, and they're facing stuff like this now that Grandma can't take care of them? Might be time to get real with sis and BIL. No, because they get all huffy and defensive when you try to initiate any conversation about them doing things differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted August 22, 2012 Author Share Posted August 22, 2012 Oh, heck no! Time to start screening your calls. :lol: We do. We've even told the kids not to pick up the phone in the a.m. because she's notorious for calling around 9 a.m. slurring her words because she's sooooo tired and the kids won't settle down for her. Of course, if she gets one of my kids answering the phones then I'm the bad guy all day because I won't let the cousins come over to play. She didn't go to work last night after all. But 9 a.m. sharp she called to "see what our schedule is like today." She came out with her kids to pick apples with us (7 bushels) and left with her kids! :) I have my afternoon to my family. I din't have to feed everyone lunch either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Around here, there are daycares that open at 5 am. I would suggest that she find one of those and have her dh drop the kids off there. During the summer, the same day cares offer summer camp type programs. I would suggest those as well. If she still complains, I would suggest she change her work schedule. Although, here night nurses make time and a half over day nurses so she may not be as willing to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 She needs to get her butt straightened out. Not your responsibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Just say no. She and her dh need to figure out their own childcare solution that doesn't involve freeloading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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