Is it unfair to my current children to have more children?

[FairyMom]

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

That said, if you are not married to those friends, they really don't have any say in how/what/when/where you reproduce.

 

:iagree:

 

We can all hope our children will be very close, but they might not be. Relationships can be strained, different personalities and lifestyle choices can cause siblings to simply grow apart. I loved being an only child, that was a blessing my mom gave me. Since my husband and I are both only children, we thought it best to give our daughter someone who could "potentially" always be there for her.

 

It would be selfish of me to have more. I wanted a third when my youngest was born; but seeing our lifestyle choices we have made, a third child would change that. I am very grateful we chose not to. Personally, I don't want to split my time amongst other children.

 

OP, only you know if it is selfish or not. :grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

That said, if you are not married to those friends, they really don't have any say in how/what/when/where you reproduce.

 

I agree.

 

I'll be unpopular, too, because I see many large homeschooling families IRL in which younger children are a huge burden on the older children. Sadly a few of these families have lost, in one way or another, some of these older children. So I DO think it's important to consider how much parents can handle and the current family dynamic. But that's really not for outsiders to comment to you on, unless you ask for their opinions.

 

For us, it was a decision about the amount of time and money we had. For a while, I thought we should have had one or two more. But then they started hitting the teen years, and I see that we have only as much as we can handle while still fulfilling other commitments outside our family. It was fun having babies, and it's great to be pregnanat and the excitement it generates, but this end of it takes so much time per child. I couldn't have done more, and my hat is off to ladies who can raise many dc well (8Fills comes to mind, as well as several other ladies here. :001_smile:)

 

You know, I really appreciate so many of your posts, but do you have to come onto every sibling thread and say how happy you are with just one? I don't think I would have said anything except for the , "Imagine that." It's these little digs you post on threads like this. Like it's just inconceivable that people couldn't image your reality and still want more kids.

 

Hmmm, I thought she was responding to the implication that only children or childrne from small families will be selfish, needy, and unhappy. :D It seemed like someone needed to respond, and I'm glad she did. I'm glad someone tackled the selfish not to have more issue, too, because IRL I see selfish going both way. ;)

Edited August 21, 2012 by angela in ohio

[Audrey]

:iagree:

 

We can all hope our children will be very close, but they might not be. Relationships can be strained, different personalities and lifestyle choices can cause siblings to simply grow apart. I loved being an only child, that was a blessing my mom gave me. Since my husband and I are both only children, we thought it best to give our daughter someone who could "potentially" always be there for her.

 

It would be selfish of me to have more. I wanted a third when my youngest was born; but seeing our lifestyle choices we have made, a third child would change that. I am very grateful we chose not to. Personally, I don't want to split my time amongst other children.

 

OP, only you know if it is selfish or not. :grouphug:

 

To the bolded: that's nice to hear. My son seems to love it, too. I guess it is what it is, but it's nice to hear other grown adults who were onlies and appreciated it. :001_smile:

[MamaT]

Having more children or not is totally between you and your dh. What nerve your "friends" have! Whether someone has one or ten is no one else's business. There are positives and negatives with both small and large families. There is no one size fits all, and having more does not mean you are selfish.

[marbel]

Real friends don't say such things.

 

Discuss with your husband and no one else. FWIW my husband would be angry and hurt if I was asking the opinions of all my friends on such a personal topic.

 

That is not to beat up on you, OP. But sometimes we women listen to the wrong people. I am guilty myself.

[elegantlion]

Everyone is entitled to express themselves. If you don't like what elegantlion -- or anyone else, for that matter -- has to contribute to the discussion, then ignore her. Don't attempt to police someone's ability/right to post on a given topic.

 

 

Hmmm, I thought she was responding to the implication that only children or childrne from small families will be selfish, needy, and unhappy. :D It seemed like someone needed to respond, and I'm glad she did.

 

Yes, this, but I edited because it was knee jerk snarky.

 

Anyway, I do post about my only and I only (no pun intended) add the statement that we are happy to that to qualify my comments. I make no presumptions that anyone remembers me from thread to thread, much less my situation.

 

With one IRL, I get more sympathy comments of "I'm sorry" or the look as if something is wrong with me physically because we only have one. I only say we are happy as a statement, not as a dig or indictment of family size for anyone else. My thought is that it helps others see which perspective I am coming from, not as a obnoxious inconceivable reality.

 

With that, I must go to the store.

[I.Dup.]

I've been called selfish for having just one. My friend's co-worker said she was "unforgivably selfish" for not wanting kids at all (we couldn't figure that out and finally decided not to hurt our brains trying). Moms of many are called selfish. People with more dogs than kids are called selfish.

 

Perhaps "selfish" means "not in accordance with how I have decided to do things in my life."

 

And "selfish," it turns out, is one of those words that loses all meaning when repeated too many times. Selfishselfishselfishselfish.

 

:lol:

 

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

That said, if you are not married to those friends, they really don't have any say in how/what/when/where you reproduce.

 

That's why I said "potentially." I know that siblings aren't always great and wonderful, but in the long run I do believe they are beneficial- even if they just teach us more patience, tolerance, whatever. I do not think a large family is always good, in fact, I sometimes envy people with only 1 or 2 children. lol (of course I adore each of my children, they are the greatest blessing in my life, but wow life would be a lot different if we had less)

[FairyMom]

To the bolded: that's nice to hear. My son seems to love it, too. I guess it is what it is, but it's nice to hear other grown adults who were onlies and appreciated it. :001_smile:

 

My mother and I are very, very close. I am the only child she has, and she has the luxury of time for me. She and her husband moved next to us, which would be very hard if she had two children and they lived at opposite ends of the country or globe. It is a gift I cannot give mine, treasure that, Audrey. I only hope they choose to live close to each other.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't know. Since I've become acquainted with several QF/Gothard/ATI families who each have 8-12 children and are all struggling with neglect of those children, wanted and beloved as the children are, I have kind of lost my sense of perspective about this topic. I do think a family can have too many children.

 

When a teenaged girl is taking care of five children under the age of 6 all day, also cooking and cleaning, while being functionally illiterate or unable to multiply two numbers together, and Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children go without necessary health care and have to suffer physically or run terrible risks because the family can't afford doctors, but Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children are neglected and abused because of the parents' ideology about child-rearing, there can be such a thing as a family with too many children.

 

The sticky thing is, almost nobody can really look into someone else's family and home and declare with any authority that they should stop having children. Sometimes it's obvious, but in all the cases I know of where there is abuse and neglect, the outside world is still shown a very pretty picture. Someone has to get very intimate with the family to know if the children aren't fed enough or if the daughters are over-worked and not educated.

 

So that's why I am glad to side, as always, with Miss Manners, who says that there is only one correct response to any pregnancy announcement, and that is, "Congratulations!"

 

That's what I always say, and otherwise keep my mouth shut. I really don't see how anyone with decent manners could do otherwise.

 

If there's abuse, report it.

If there's neglect borne of ignorance, step in and teach.

If there's just a different lifestyle but the kids are OK, then MYOB.

 

That's my philosophy, which should wear well whether I'm down on mega-sized families or not.

[butterflymommy]

The posts about siblings caring for each other reminds me of a blog post I read recently:

 

http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/escape-from-babyland/

 

Do I worry that I'm turning my kids into little domestic slaves -- that I'm robbing them of their childhood and autonomy by making them pay for my and my husband's irresponsible reproductive choices? Sure. For about half a second. And then I test out this statement: "If there's one thing I'd like to contribute to society, it's a young adult who thinks his own freedom is more important than the needs of helpless people, and who has no skill at or desire to care for others." And I giggle in delight, because it's not often that something that's good for me is also good for my kids and for the world as a whole.

 

I have 7 kids and would love more. My older two kids do a lot of work for me... at least in my view it's a lot of work compared to what I did as a kid (= zero work). But 90% of the time I'm convinced it's a positive experience for them. My family is very imperfect-- the duggars we are not-- but the fundamentals of love and respect are very much intact.

 

As an aside, Simcha Fisher's blog is hilarious... I just recently started reading.

[Incognito]

Is it possible that your friends think you are spread too thin and they are using a nice-ish, common argument against having more children instead of pointing out issues they see in your family? If you tend to vent to them about your frustrations or if you don't keep house to their standards or if you or your kids seem disheveled... I don't know you, I don't know what your life is like or what it looks like from the outside. I don't know how big your friends' families are or what they have chosen as priorities for themselves. I'd consider how their lifestyle choices line up with yours and then see if they are really saying things the way they think them.

AND, if you want to ask people if you should have more kids and discuss it, then expect different opinions. Especially from friends. If you didn't ask them, then I wouldn't discuss it with them at all. So the disagreement shouldn't be an issue, IMO.

 

ETA: I share your thought that children are a blessing and that giving children siblings and them being alive is more important than giving a smaller quantity of children more material posessions.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Tjej

[I.Dup.]

The posts about siblings caring for each other reminds me of a blog post I read recently:

 

http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/escape-from-babyland/

 

 

 

I have 7 kids and would love more. My older two kids do a lot of work for me... at least in my view it's a lot of work compared to what I did as a kid (= zero work). But 90% of the time I'm convinced it's a positive experience for them. My family is very imperfect-- the duggars we are not-- but the fundamentals of love and respect are very much intact.

 

As an aside, Simcha Fisher's blog is hilarious... I just recently started reading.

 

 

I love Simcha!! :001_smile:

[Ibbygirl]

Happiness is much more than colleges, TKD, cars, and other luxuries. If your friends can't mind their own business, I would suggest finding new friends.

 

Having more children is a decision between you and your husband alone.

 

:iagree::iagree: What she said.

 

For me, I would love to have another child, but I know that I just can't. I have two children with special needs. My youngest is profoundly Autistic and requires a prodigious deal of care. He has to be watched like a hawk because he endangers himself. I have wrestled so much about this. I would love to have another baby and there is a part of me that is always wondering who I am missing. I cannot imagine my life without the two that I have already and I always wonder who I am missing that I wouldn't be able to imagine my life without if they were here. It makes me cry sometimes, but I know as the caretaker how stretched I am already. My life is already lived at my full capacity with homeschooling and caring for my children. My eldest ADHD, OCD and Asperger's dd is a teenager and in Highschool now. It's a lot. I'm going to be 41 in September and even though I could physically get pregnant still, I don't know how I could possibly manage if I had another child with special needs so I don't. sniff. In my fantasy I would love to hold a baby again though.

[EducationX2]

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry for repeating but-

 

It sounds like your children have it pretty nice. I mean, if you were to come here and say "My children really want to play soccer, but we can't afford the 20 dollar registration fee because we want another child," in my head I might go :001_huh:, but you say they have activities, I'm assuming all that would come after clothes and food, etc.

 

But in the end, the decision to have more children comes between you and your husband, and what you want to provide for your children as they grow up.

 

I personally want to help my daughter with the purchase of a car, and hope to pay much of her college expense, etc.etc. So those long term expenses come into play when I think about family decisions. So for ME, knowing that those are important TO ME, it would be selfish for ME to have another child until I'm more financially stable.

 

But plenty of families don't pay for those kinds of things, and it doesn't mean they love their children any less, and their children aren't necessarily any less successful.

 

I think you should tell those "friends" of yours that you have different views than them, and that they should stop telling you it is selfish to want more children.

[Renee in NC]

I don't know. Since I've become acquainted with several QF/Gothard/ATI families who each have 8-12 children and are all struggling with neglect of those children, wanted and beloved as the children are, I have kind of lost my sense of perspective about this topic. I do think a family can have too many children.

 

When a teenaged girl is taking care of five children under the age of 6 all day, also cooking and cleaning, while being functionally illiterate or unable to multiply two numbers together, and Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children go without necessary health care and have to suffer physically or run terrible risks because the family can't afford doctors, but Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children are neglected and abused because of the parents' ideology about child-rearing, there can be such a thing as a family with too many children.

 

 

Someone else mentioned this earlier, and I want to concur. I have a large family, and everyone pitches in, but these are my children, not my children's children, KWIM? The financial burdens are also why we stopped having children. I remember saying (when they were all young) - "One more baby doesn't cost much." That is true, but they don't stay babies.;)

 

I wouldn't trade mine for the world.:D

[annandatje]

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

That said, if you are not married to those friends, they really don't have any say in how/what/when/where you reproduce.

 

 

:iagree: Thank you for pointing out a painful truth!

 

Original poster, why do your friends feel free to comment upon your family size? Do you discuss these decisions with them and ask for their opinions?

[happyWImom]

My mother and I are very, very close. I am the only child she has, and she has the luxury of time for me. She and her husband moved next to us, which would be very hard if she had two children and they lived at opposite ends of the country or globe. It is a gift I cannot give mine, treasure that, Audrey. I only hope they choose to live close to each other.

 

I am an only child, also. My mom is like my best friend, and she lives about 2 football fields behind us-I can see her house. We talk every day, we see each other a lot, and my dc walk over to her house as often as I will let them. I can only hope to be as close to my dc when they are grown.

[Denisemomof4]

Why are you asking such a silly question? Your one year old needs more kids closer to his age to play with!!!!!

 

I would never factor college into this decision. There is more financial help for families with less, AND if the child REALLY wants to go, he/she will.

 

The cars - you can have two more before you need more than a van or SUV.

 

 

Schooling is too much? Outsource some of it. Whenyour kids are older, many studies can be done independently but you need to check work. I had a buddy system where my older son corrected youngers papers, older dd corrected youngers. I also had older sibling give lessons sometimes, many times because they WANTED to (my kids always loved this!) or the refresher was to also help the older. It was a win - win.

[Denisemomof4]

Happiness is much more than colleges, TKD, cars, and other luxuries. If your friends can't mind their own business, I would suggest finding new friends.

 

Having more children is a decision between you and your husband alone.

 

Well, this just about sums it up perfectly.:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

Well I will hold an unpopular view on this board, though I do know some people here who share my sentiments. I don't think it is necessarily unfair to the other children if you have more since no one guarantees anyone a wealthy upbringing or even a middle income upbringing. HOwever, I think it is only moral to consider seriously the financial and energy costs of additional children before having them. I do not hold with the popular, on here, view that seems to be have all the kids you want and things will work out. I know many here and ones I know IRL do consider can they care adequately for addiitional children. But some here and IRL are only able to care for their families with others help, be it government, relatives or charity. I think that is a highly irresponsible view and don't endorse it at all. However, the things I think the OP should consider is not about whether they will be able to buy cars or pay for college but whether things like necessary orthodontics, potential medical bills for either the older children who may develop a condition that is costly if you don't have insurance or very good insurance or the potential costs of a baby who is born prematurely and needs lots of medical care.

 

I also agree with this. As far as you and dh can financially provide for a larger family while also dealing with their emotional and medical (etc) needs ON YOUR OWN, I say go for it.

[lea_lpz]

I don't know. Since I've become acquainted with several QF/Gothard/ATI families who each have 8-12 children and are all struggling with neglect of those children, wanted and beloved as the children are, I have kind of lost my sense of perspective about this topic. I do think a family can have too many children.

 

When a teenaged girl is taking care of five children under the age of 6 all day, also cooking and cleaning, while being functionally illiterate or unable to multiply two numbers together, and Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children go without necessary health care and have to suffer physically or run terrible risks because the family can't afford doctors, but Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children are neglected and abused because of the parents' ideology about child-rearing, there can be such a thing as a family with too many children.

 

The sticky thing is, almost nobody can really look into someone else's family and home and declare with any authority that they should stop having children. Sometimes it's obvious, but in all the cases I know of where there is abuse and neglect, the outside world is still shown a very pretty picture. Someone has to get very intimate with the family to know if the children aren't fed enough or if the daughters are over-worked and not educated.

 

So that's why I am glad to side, as always, with Miss Manners, who says that there is only one correct response to any pregnancy announcement, and that is, "Congratulations!"

 

That's what I always say, and otherwise keep my mouth shut. I really don't see how anyone with decent manners could do otherwise.

 

If there's abuse, report it.

If there's neglect borne of ignorance, step in and teach.

If there's just a different lifestyle but the kids are OK, then MYOB.

 

That's my philosophy, which should wear well whether I'm down on mega-sized families or not.

 

 

Ok, but OP is not looking at following a Quiverfull lifestyle and is in a position to afford extras for her kids right now, which indicates she isn't struggling financially, so I feel these are separate issues. Wanting to have 6 kids and wanting to forgo b/c and have as many kids as you can, even without the financial means to do so are very different.

 

As for friends arguments, I think that having more than 2 kids is now considered going against the cultural norm now, and so people have trouble seeing past that. There was a cultural shift that accompanied the movement of 2 wage earning households that couples have 2 kids versus historically having larger families. Part of that cultural norm has evolved into the expectation that parents provide things like a college education, car, down payment on a home, etc as a consequence of having only 2 kids and thus it is assumed parents have more resources to allocate to said 2 children. There is nothing wrong with that decision. But there also isn't anything wrong with expecting your children to obtain these things without help either; whether you have 2 children or 6.

 

Ultimately, you have to determine your own values and what you prioritize as being necessary to provide for your children.

[jhschool]

IF you were very, very poor (nothing to eat, no house, in a slum, rats, etc.) and you were both alcoholics or drug addicts and you didn't love your current children and you mistreated them, then yes, it would be selfish to have more.

BUT...you sound like a wonderful family! More lovely children in a lovely family, happy, well fed, and loved?

Sounds great to me!

[FairyMom]

Well I will hold an unpopular view on this board, though I do know some people here who share my sentiments. I don't think it is necessarily unfair to the other children if you have more since no one guarantees anyone a wealthy upbringing or even a middle income upbringing. HOwever, I think it is only moral to consider seriously the financial and energy costs of additional children before having them. I do not hold with the popular, on here, view that seems to be have all the kids you want and things will work out. I know many here and ones I know IRL do consider can they care adequately for addiitional children. But some here and IRL are only able to care for their families with others help, be it government, relatives or charity. I think that is a highly irresponsible view and don't endorse it at all. However, the things I think the OP should consider is not about whether they will be able to buy cars or pay for college but whether things like necessary orthodontics, potential medical bills for either the older children who may develop a condition that is costly if you don't have insurance or very good insurance or the potential costs of a baby who is born prematurely and needs lots of medical care.

 

 

:iagree: Especially with this bolded part.

[annandatje]

I don't know. Since I've become acquainted with several QF/Gothard/ATI families who each have 8-12 children and are all struggling with neglect of those children, wanted and beloved as the children are, I have kind of lost my sense of perspective about this topic. I do think a family can have too many children.

 

When a teenaged girl is taking care of five children under the age of 6 all day, also cooking and cleaning, while being functionally illiterate or unable to multiply two numbers together, and Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children go without necessary health care and have to suffer physically or run terrible risks because the family can't afford doctors, but Mom keeps having a baby every year, something's wrong.

 

When the children are neglected and abused because of the parents' ideology about child-rearing, there can be such a thing as a family with too many children.

 

The sticky thing is, almost nobody can really look into someone else's family and home and declare with any authority that they should stop having children. Sometimes it's obvious, but in all the cases I know of where there is abuse and neglect, the outside world is still shown a very pretty picture. Someone has to get very intimate with the family to know if the children aren't fed enough or if the daughters are over-worked and not educated.

 

So that's why I am glad to side, as always, with Miss Manners, who says that there is only one correct response to any pregnancy announcement, and that is, "Congratulations!"

 

That's what I always say, and otherwise keep my mouth shut. I really don't see how anyone with decent manners could do otherwise.

 

If there's abuse, report it.

If there's neglect borne of ignorance, step in and teach.

If there's just a different lifestyle but the kids are OK, then MYOB.

 

That's my philosophy, which should wear well whether I'm down on mega-sized families or not.

 

 

:iagree: I also agree with what transientchris posted.

 

As the oldest daughter in a family of thirteen children, my mother once told me that when she was a child, she wished she were a dog because dogs did not have to work so hard. She was born into terrible poverty in a remote area where people did not have good access to healthcare and education.

 

So, no, I do not think that children are automatically blessings. It depends upon the circumstances.

 

If BOTH parents want a child, and they can provide for the needs and few wants of child, then having another child is right for them.

 

I really do not believe that one can determine whether a person is selfish based upon their family size at all.

 

My personal choice was to stop reproducing after giving birth to a troubled special needs child because I was confident I could not give her the attention she needed plus nurture another child. As it was, my existing children lost a considerable amount of my available time. Also, I was determined to not have more than I felt I could provide for if I were widowed.

 

Although we stopped having children of our own, we did foster both officially and unofficially.

[Denisemomof4]

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

.

 

Sadly, SOOOOOOOOOO very true. :sad:

[jhschool]

I have really focused of raising my children in a way that builds their close relationships.

 

I don't think a new baby is a blessing to its siblings just by being born, but through thoughtful, consistent parenting and modeling, it can be accomplished.

 

I feel very secure in the statement that my children will take care of each other. They already do, but that does not mean that I think it is automatically true for every family.

 

How true!

[Stellalarella]

The only thing I would add is that once a couple decides to take the big family path (which, in my mind is 5 or more) my experience is that you lose the "right" to ever complain about the challenges of raising a small herd of children. :001_smile:

 

You'll find it prudent to refrain from discussion about how expensive it is to drive a 12 passenger van, your grocery budget, how tired you are, how exhausting it put numerous small children to sleep and fretting over being unable to afford braces. :001_smile:

 

I like being a mother to six children. Six children to raise amounts to a lot of work. So it's a good thing I like hard work....

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Ok, but OP is not looking at following a Quiverfull lifestyle and is in a position to afford extras for her kids right now, which indicates she isn't struggling financially, so I feel these are separate issues. Wanting to have 6 kids and wanting to forgo b/c and have as many kids as you can, even without the financial means to do so are very different.

 

 

Chris spoke to what I was getting at, only she said it much better. I was kind of trying to answer that thing that people do, encouraging Moms to have more and more babies on the assumption that everything will be fine. As if children don't require an awful lot of time, money, and care. As if all moms have unlimited resources (of all kinds) to bear and raise unlimited children.

 

I thought the conversation had kind of moved on from the OP and into more general discussion. Concerning our dear OP, I'll say what I mentioned in the other part of my posts about not being able to look in and judge another family's 'fitness' to have another baby. If I hear a pregnancy announcement, I can be counted on to say, "Congratulations," and mean it. :)

[Denisemomof4]

Someone else mentioned this earlier, and I want to concur. I have a large family, and everyone pitches in, but these are my children, not my children's children, KWIM?

 

:iagree: I have known several adults from large families who chose smaller because THEY had far too many responsibilities due to their parent's decision to have more babies. I also know someone who has a larger family, five kids, but will NEVER allow the older kids to babysit the youngers. She had to babysit her siblings so much that she swears she will NEVER ask that of her children. Her oldest is 20 now and my friend still sticks to her word.

 

I think all kids need to pitch in. I have taught my kids how to cook, clean, care for animals, do barn chores. Our house can function if parents aren't able to help due to sickness or injury, or a date :tongue_smilie:, but none of our kids ever had a heavy work/responsibility load.

[justamouse]

but these are my children, not my children's children, KWIM?

:iagree: I didn't become a parent to foist them off on my olders. *I'M* the parent. The kids help, but they are the kids.

 

On the other hand.... Siblings are also potentially the biggest burdens we can give our children. Not all children are "blessings." Some are very, very difficult to like, let alone love, yet because they are "family" we are forced to suffer them and shoulder the burden of them.

 

That said, if you are not married to those friends, they really don't have any say in how/what/when/where you reproduce.

 

IF we all went into parenting with those parameters in mind, no one would ever have kids.

 

Well, it's snarky, I'll give you that. But I forgot to quote the post I was referring to. I wasn't going to say anything about that, and shouldn't have, it's just one of those days. There was no dig intended. I know some people have one by choice, others by chance. As far as I read the question wasn't limited to those with large families.

 

I just wanted to add to the thread that as someone with a small family I also like large families. I don't think it's anyone's business about family size, large or small, or to say that one is superior and one isn't. My dh is from a large family, my mom is from a large family. I wanted to tell the OP that as someone who sits on the other side of the fence, so to speak, I don't think she's being selfish. I should have left it at that and will edit my snarky comments as to not distract this thread further.

 

I totally get that you get beat up about having one kid, and I think it's beyond rude and horrible that people say such things to you.

 

I have friends with one who are happy, with one who long for more. I have friends with none, willingly so, and they are spectacular people and I really don't think I have ANY business butting into their their decision to reproduce.

 

 

Well, quite honestly, the same could be asked of you. Why do YOU come on all these threads and feel the need to expound on how wonderfully perfect your very large family is and how all your children are so very special and you'd certainly have more if you could?

 

Everyone is entitled to express themselves. If you don't like what elegantlion -- or anyone else, for that matter -- has to contribute to the discussion, then ignore her. Don't attempt to police someone's ability/right to post on a given topic.

 

Well, you must not have read all of my posts about my oldest to think that my family is perfect. But ig you see it that way, thank you, that's quite a compliment.

[I.Dup.]

So let me get this straight...one should only have another child IF:

 

-they don't depend on much, if any help from from the older siblings.

-they don't have to compromise outside activities or extra curriculars at all.

-they never depend on the government, family, or anything or anyone else to help, ever, in any situation (especially if they already have 3+, with 2 or less this is probably acceptable)

-they don't have a high-maintenance or special needs child

-they are not poor (does that mean they should make at least $7,000 per family member? $10,000? what constitutes poor when we are all pretty much talking about one of the richest countries in the world?)

-ideally they should be able to maintain a best friendship with each one of their children

-obviously, no smoking, heavy drinking or drugs

 

Am I missing anything?

 

We have 6 and we take better care of them than most families I know with 2, IMO. We may or may not have more, it is a decision I am currently agonizing over. It is something we do NOT take lightly and we are certainly not in this for some sort of competition. :glare: But I do think it's a bit ridiculous to have all of these qualities one should meet before having children. How many people who complain about their large families wouldn't be here if their parents hadn't had a large family? How many would complain no matter what kind of family they grew up in?

 

My mom talks about how hard and terrible it was for my great grandmother who had 7. She goes on and on about how she had heart problems, didn't care for my grandmother, died early, etc. The thing is, my grandmother was #7.

[susancollins]

I was talking to her and told her we were going to try to have another baby sometime early next year or late this fall. I think part of the reason for her comment is that my husband works alot (computer programmer). He has been with his company twenty years and he is always the one they call for help. I am 30 years old and my husband is ten years older than me. It might be his age. I just wanted someone to be happy for me and I called to talk to her. I was expecting her to be excited!

[annandatje]

I was talking to her and told her we were going to try to have another baby sometime early next year or late this fall. I think part of the reason for her comment is that my husband works alot (computer programmer). He has been with his company twenty years and he is always the one they call for help. I am 30 years old and my husband is ten years older than me. It might be his age. I just wanted someone to be happy for me and I called to talk to her. I was expecting her to be excited!

 

She'll come around eventually and share in your excitement.

[Impish]

Here's what having an only child guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Here's what having many children guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Parenting is a freaking crapshoot. You can do it all 'right' and have a kid/kids that act like they were raised by trolls. You can screw up royally, be sure in your gut your kid is going to end up needing heavy duty therapy just to function on a most basic level, and end up w/a heavy over acheiver, perfectly adjusted, no trauma, no emotionally scarred kid.

 

You could end up close...or estranged.

 

You do your best, you pray (if that's your thing) and hope for the best.

 

There's no guarantees in life, and in parenting that's a promise. If you're thinking that family size has ANYTHING to do w/a guarantee of anything, brace yourself.

 

Families don't come w/guarantees, warranties, exchange policies.

[annandatje]

nm

Edited August 22, 2012 by annandatje
nm

[Canadianmumof5]

Forget what other people say, and do what you & your DH think is right for your family. No one else can possibly know the intimate details of your life and all of the factors you consider when planning your family.

 

I personally don't think it is unfair to my children that we are about to welcome #5 in a couple of months. My children are happy, healthy, well loved and well taken care of (some may say a little spoiled!).

 

Sometimes other people can't be happy for you. Don't let their lack of enthusiasm affect yours. Only you and your DH can know what is best for YOUR family. Consider carefully, pray about it and see how you feel as the weeks go by.

 

:grouphug:

[I.Dup.]

Here's what having an only child guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Here's what having many children guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Parenting is a freaking crapshoot. You can do it all 'right' and have a kid/kids that act like they were raised by trolls. You can screw up royally, be sure in your gut your kid is going to end up needing heavy duty therapy just to function on a most basic level, and end up w/a heavy over acheiver, perfectly adjusted, no trauma, no emotionally scarred kid.

 

You could end up close...or estranged.

 

You do your best, you pray (if that's your thing) and hope for the best.

 

There's no guarantees in life, and in parenting that's a promise. If you're thinking that family size has ANYTHING to do w/a guarantee of anything, brace yourself.

 

Families don't come w/guarantees, warranties, exchange policies.

 

I totally agree.

 

I know people in small families who HATED it. I know people in small families who did great. I know people in large families who HATED it. I know people in large families who did great and think it's due in large part to their large family. I know 2 siblings from the same family, very poor, I don't think ANYONE (including me) would advise them to have more than 2 children, they went on to have 10. When I had a conversation with the oldest 2, one resented the things she missed out on, the other (and oldest) felt like she had been given a great gift. It was all about how they looked at it, and the oldest one even said her sister would have complaints no matter what kind of family she grew up in. :tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

So let me get this straight...one should only have another child IF:

 

-they don't depend on much, if any help from from the older siblings.

-they don't have to compromise outside activities or extra curriculars at all.

-they never depend on the government, family, or anything or anyone else to help, ever, in any situation (especially if they already have 3+, with 2 or less this is probably acceptable)

-they don't have a high-maintenance or special needs child

-they are not poor (does that mean they should make at least $7,000 per family member? $10,000? what constitutes poor when we are all pretty much talking about one of the richest countries in the world?)

-ideally they should be able to maintain a best friendship with each one of their children

-obviously, no smoking, heavy drinking or drugs

 

Am I missing anything?

 

We have 6 and we take better care of them than most families I know with 2, IMO. We may or may not have more, it is a decision I am currently agonizing over. It is something we do NOT take lightly and we are certainly not in this for some sort of competition. :glare: But I do think it's a bit ridiculous to have all of these qualities one should meet before having children. How many people who complain about their large families wouldn't be here if their parents hadn't had a large family? How many would complain no matter what kind of family they grew up in?

 

My mom talks about how hard and terrible it was for my great grandmother who had 7. She goes on and on about how she had heart problems, didn't care for my grandmother, died early, etc. The thing is, my grandmother was #7.

 

Yes, well, when the Borg laws rule, you'll have to fill out an application to have any children (heck, they might deny your right to marry or reproduce at all), and China will look like the land of fecundity.

[I.Dup.]

If you are referring to my sharing my story of why I stopped having children, I think I adequately explained that it was personal choice for me. Many families manage caring for several children in addition to a special needs child. Nowhere did I see anyone say that a person who has a special needs child should not reproduce again.

 

Not at all your story. I respect your decision and it sounds like you made a good one. I have heard this in MANY other places, as a general "rule."

[4wildberrys]

I have been talking to several friends about my desire to have more children. I would like at least one or two more. We have four children they are 9, 7, 5, and 1. I love homeschooling but there are some days I want to pull my hair out. The majority of the days are great. I have given up my income to homeschool. Some of my friends think that is selfish but that is another story. I have had several people tell me that I need to think about cars, college, and many more cost. We are middle class mid 50's income wise. Our house will be paid off in 13 years if we keep the same automatic draft coming out every two weeks. My children have activities Awana, dance, soccer, Tae Kwon do. Is it selfish to have more children and expect they will have to contribute some money to their education. I recieved Academic achievement scholarship and I paid my own expenses. We will help but we can't foot the entire bill.

FWIW I love my children and they idea of a large family.I dream of Christmas 20+ years from now with children and grandchildren I love the memories we make and the things we do together. I told my friend last night I will regret not having another when I wanted one but I will never regret having another child. Our children having been such a blessing to our family. I really get tired of societies view of children as a burden physically and financially. I guess that is how some people see them. I see them as a gift from God. I also see that God has a purpose for everyone and everything. Give me your honest opinion?

 

You do what's right for YOU and your DH! It sounds like you guys are set financially to have more. Cars? Paid for college? Since when are those things parents are supposed to foot the bill for?? It would be nice for ANY of us parents to be able to provide all the unlimited perks for each of our kids that our imaginations can provide----but then reality kicks in! Love, nutrition, a roof over their heads, emotional support etc---those are the necessities. College, cars, braces etc---those are PERkS....I.e. NOT necessities ;). Follow your heart about the number of children you and your dh want---because it sounds like it's in the right place :001_smile:

[5wolfcubs]

I'm Child #1, my sister is Child #6. I can't imagine my life without my sister.

:iagree: This is how my older dds (ages 17 & 15) feel about littlest dd (age 2).

On some days they could take/leave their brothers (ages 12, 10 & 7). :lol:

 

It IS harder financially, especially on the wage earner. As they get older, we are coming up against that. Those high school/college texts are $$$.

 

But when we sit around the dinner table, with dh and I on each end and three kids on each side. Well, :001_wub:

 

Of course, it won't always be the 8 of us. Which is why dh & I are going on a date alone later this week!

 

:grouphug: to you, Susan!

[Ibbygirl]

Here's what having an only child guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Here's what having many children guarantees:

Nothing.

 

Parenting is a freaking crapshoot. You can do it all 'right' and have a kid/kids that act like they were raised by trolls. You can screw up royally, be sure in your gut your kid is going to end up needing heavy duty therapy just to function on a most basic level, and end up w/a heavy over acheiver, perfectly adjusted, no trauma, no emotionally scarred kid.

 

You could end up close...or estranged.

 

You do your best, you pray (if that's your thing) and hope for the best.

 

There's no guarantees in life, and in parenting that's a promise. If you're thinking that family size has ANYTHING to do w/a guarantee of anything, brace yourself.

 

Families don't come w/guarantees, warranties, exchange policies.

 

 

:iagree::iagree: So true Imp.

[Impish]

:iagree::iagree: So true Imp.

Nobody ever puts my post on their fridge. *sniffle*

[I.Dup.]

Nobody ever puts my post on their fridge. *sniffle*

 

you know what? That was definitely fridge-worthy. It was a good reminder for me, I get my panties in such a wad over parenting, am I doing everything right, how can I be better, beat myself up each time I think I fail at anything, basically make myself miserable to attain whatever pie-in-the-sky motherhood ideals I hold myself to, and like you said, it's really a crapshoot.

[Ibbygirl]

Nobody ever puts my post on their fridge. *sniffle*

 

 

Mine neither. :p But for what it's worth, I think your post was totally fridge worthy Imp. :) :grouphug:

[pfamilygal]

We got that a lot. And when we talk about adopting an HIV+ child or DS child we get it even more.

 

But my kids LOVE having new siblings. They were so sad when I couldn't have more.

 

And for every opportunity they miss out on, they gain a different one. I think my kids are learning valuable life lessons. And making friends (of their siblings) that will last a lifetime.

[Frances]

But for what it's worth, I think your post was totally fridge worthy Imp. :) :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

Awww, thanks BW and Ibby.

 

And the tagger.

 

I feel the looooooove! :D

[Ibbygirl]

Awww, thanks BW and Ibby.

 

And the tagger.

 

I feel the looooooove! :D

 

:) I was going to put it actually but someone beat me to it! So I had competition to tag it! :D

[justamouse]

:) I was going to put it actually but someone beat me to it! So I had competition to tag it! :D

 

:D Sorry! It was an excellent fridge worthy post.