Can you help me sort out this personal problem?

[fourcatmom]

I have been having a problem with another parent on my dd's teams for about 1 year now, or longer. My dd has been on this team since she was 6 years old. I have been team Mom every year. Last year we choose not to sign up for the league that we played in since there was no guarantee that we could continue on the coach's team. Sometime before the league actually started, the coach decided to move the team to a new league that would allow all his former players to be on this team but he already asked another parent to be the Team Mom for that year. He called us and asked my dd to play. No problem there. I didn't mind someone else taking over the role and understood what happened. This coach in particular only likes certain people to do it since they know what to do. The one thing that I did as the team Mom is that I would create an end of the season video for the team and the parents and show it at the night of the team party. She specifically asked me to make one so I agreed that I would continue with that tradition even though I wasn't the team Mom. She often made comments through out the year about how she was team Mom and seemed to be rubbing it my face. At the team party, I realized that she had a DVD made specifically for the coach and decided to play it before mine. I didn't know that she was going to do this. She asked me for the my DVD but when the person at the restaurant came to take the DVD to play it, she gave them the one she had made. Nobody on the team knew that I had made mine and everybody watched hers and then went to play (pizza place). I was obviously very upset and felt completely run over.

 

Fast forward a few months to softball (all the same kids/families) and at the meeting the coach asks me if I will be team Mom with this other parent. Caught be be surprise as I was not expecting this. I talked to him later and he said he felt bad and that his wife had suggested this. He didn't know what to do. He did not know about any of the situations between the other mom and myself. I agreed and figured I would give her a chance. The season did not go well. She was constantly trying to push me out. I would offer to buy something and she would go buy it. She over charged people on the gifts and gave the coach's each a picture frame with team pictures. Not one picture of my dd in all three coach's gifts. This had also happened to year before in softball with the female coach from soccer. Her dd was on the softball team the year before and this team Mom made the coach a blanket but not one picture of this other girl. I think when the season ended the coach really felt that I just wasn't doing my job and things changed. She made copies of all the pictures that she took during the season (and charged parents for them) we all paid the same price. I got two pictures. Everyone else got a stack. When we went shopping for the team party, she had me drive her around town picking up everything while calling both male coaches several times and asking them to buy things - all while trying to throw their "friendship" in my face. When we unloaded the car, I offered to take things home and fix and of course I was refused. When I called in the morning to help set-up for the party, no answer.

 

When the coach and I were talking at the end of the party, she comes over and serves him his own cheesecake (he doesn't like cake). Of course, she does this when he's talking to me. This also bothered me because it seems like more of a "wife" thing to do, not a team Mom thing.

 

I am ready to pull my dd from the team but I know that is not fair to her. I can't possibly tell you every little way she has rubbed this team Mom thing in my face and tried to push me out but I am at the end of my rope. He has asked her to continue being Team Mom and not me for this upcoming year. Again, he does not know any of these details. I know he thinks that I just failed to do my job and doesn't realize she's pushing me out. At the end of the season party, we wrote our names on our cups so they don't get lost, she wrote team Mom on hers. I really just can't deal with this anymore.

 

I am thinking of talking to the coach but I worry it will all come out like a big complaint and he will miss the point. :confused: She specifically dislikes the female coach and myself and since she joined the team two years ago, has been playing games. We were the two most involved woman on the team and she treats us the same. I am thinking of asking her to talk to the coach with me so that he knows it's not just me.

 

I really don't know what to do.

 

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

Edited July 31, 2012 by fourcatmom

[hsbaby]

Well, if it were me, I would allow dd to remain on the teams if she wants. After all, this is her thing, not yours (hmmm....hope that didn't come off snarky!). I would simply back off and allow the other mom to be team mom. I am not a confrontational person though.

[fourcatmom]

Well, if it were me, I would allow dd to remain on the teams if she wants. After all, this is her thing, not yours (hmmm....hope that didn't come off snarky!). I would simply back off and allow the other mom to be team mom. I am not a confrontational person though.

 

I agree with you to an extent. I agree that it her experience, not mine but when it comes to not including kids pictures in coach's gifts and over charging or miss using team money then I feel it goes beyond rubbing it in my face. I don't need to be team Mom but I hate how she makes me feel. I am not confrontational either, I think that's why she's doing it.

[meggie]

I would probably just let my daughter keep playing and give the Team Mom job to the crazy lady. And all with a smile. *phew* at least you don't have to put up with her anymore, right? I mean, you'll still see her and all, but at least she won't be pushing you around. And if she tries to weasel you into doing some work, I'd say, "Oh gee I wish I could but I'm so busy with XYZ right now."

[Sun]

I think the key is to figure out why you care. (I mean, aside from disliking being around an unpleasant person). Do you really want to be team mom? Do you really want your child on this coach's team? Which is more important to you? It sounds as if you can really only have one of those things at most. In these types of situations, I would just bow out completely, leave it all to her, and not do any of those things any longer. If asked, I'd just say, "Sorry, I can't help this year," and leave it at that. The fact that you haven't done that makes me wonder what is driving you to continue what sounds like a very unpleasant situation.

[kalanamak]

I would probably just let my daughter keep playing and give the Team Mom job to the crazy lady. And all with a smile. *phew* at least you don't have to put up with her anymore, right? I mean, you'll still see her and all, but at least she won't be pushing you around. And if she tries to weasel you into doing some work, I'd say, "Oh gee I wish I could but I'm so busy with XYZ right now."

 

:iagree: Give yourself a pedicure instead.

[fourcatmom]

I would probably just let my daughter keep playing and give the Team Mom job to the crazy lady. And all with a smile. *phew* at least you don't have to put up with her anymore, right? I mean, you'll still see her and all, but at least she won't be pushing you around. And if she tries to weasel you into doing some work, I'd say, "Oh gee I wish I could but I'm so busy with XYZ right now."

 

Tried to multi-quote but it didn't work. I think I care because I had done the position for so long and he has always asked me to. I think I care more about what he thinks then actually doing the job. I really don't care if I do it or not, I actually have other things to be doing so it's really okay. I don't want him thinking that I was flaking on not doing things (like helping with the party). I guess that's my biggest issue is that it's changing our friendship - the coach and I. I really feel like he's disappointed in me but in reality she was pushing me out and not really allowing me to help. I just don't know if I should try and clear the air with him or if it will make it worse.

 

Thanks everyone. I know I am overly stressed about this and I needed to make sense of how I was feeling. I think it just really makes me upset that she would treat people like this. What would she think if I didn't include her dd in the end of the season video? I wouldn't even think about doing that to a child, but she does and somehow she is more worthy of the position then me. Personally, I would like to see someone new take on the role and it be neither one of us.

Edited July 31, 2012 by fourcatmom

[Mrs Mungo]

People like this eventually tip their hand. Let it go and wait. Definitely get clarification on things like team photos and payment per photo. Ask about it in front of the coach.

[meggie]

Tried to multi-quote but it didn't work. I think I care because I had done the position for so long and he has always asked me to. I think I care more about what he thinks then actually doing the job. I really don't care if I do it or not, I actually have other things to be doing so it's really okay. I don't want him thinking that I was flaking on not doing things (like helping with the party). I guess that's my biggest issue is that it's changing our friendship - the coach and I. I really feel like he's disappointed in me but in reality she was pushing me out and not really allowing me to help. I just don't know if I should try and clear the air with him or if it will make it worse.

 

Maybe she'll do a terrible job and he'll realize it was her and not you. And if you only get two pictures again, then complain to the coach. I wouldn't worry about what he thinks of you, sometimes you just have to let bygones be bygones. Sometimes just knowing the truth yourself can be enough. Maybe? I hope so :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

People like this eventually tip their hand. Let it go and wait. Definitely get clarification on things like team photos and payment per photo. Ask about it in front of the coach.

 

:iagree:

 

But I also have to mention that you may want to be careful about who you talk to in real life about this situation, because some people may get the wrong idea about your feelings for the coach.

 

You've explained yourself well here, so I know what you mean, but someone else might think you're acting like a jealous jilted girlfriend.

 

Again, please understand that I don't think that!!! But it sounds like you're in a fierce competition with this other mom for no good reason other than to be the coach's favorite "team mom."

 

My feeling is, as others have already said, that you should bow out completely and let the other mom do all the work -- and if she messes up, don't help her! She'll show her true colors soon enough.

 

Sorry you're stuck in a mess. :grouphug:

[fraidycat]

Hmmm, as far as the overcharging and mis-use of funds goes, I'd bring that up with the coach and other parents. It is the parents' money she is wasting.

 

As for the rest, let DD play on the team. Don't help out with functions, and don't pay for extras. I'd just bring my own camera along to the games/meets/whatever and take my own photos of DD and that is that. Opt out of the "team gift" and buy your own restaurant gift card or something, if you so choose. Does the coach REALLY need another dust collecting tchotchke anyway?

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would back off the team mom role as well. If she wants to be crazy about protecting a fiefdom, then let her.

 

I agree with you to an extent. I agree that it her experience, not mine but when it comes to not including kids pictures in coach's gifts and over charging or miss using team money then I feel it goes beyond rubbing it in my face. I don't need to be team Mom but I hate how she makes me feel. I am not confrontational either, I think that's why she's doing it.

 

I would definitely bring this up. I certainly would not want to pay for pictures when things weren't equal. About misusing money, I would mention it to other moms and hope they are po'd enough to do something about it. If you say anything, it will, unfortunately come off like sour grapes since she is setting you up that way. In fact, I probably would not even participate in a group coach's gift and give one on your own. Try to remove yourself emotionally from the situation and let her dig her own grave.

[Catwoman]

Hmmm, as far as the overcharging and mis-use of funds goes, I'd bring that up with the coach and other parents. It is the parents' money she is wasting.

 

As for the rest, let DD play on the team. Don't help out with functions, and don't pay for extras. I'd just bring my own camera along to the games/meets/whatever and take my own photos of DD and that is that. Opt out of the "team gift" and buy your own restaurant gift card or something, if you so choose. Does the coach REALLY need another dust collecting tchotchke anyway?

 

:iagree:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Tried to multi-quote but it didn't work. I think I care because I had done the position for so long and he has always asked me to. I think I care more about what he thinks then actually doing the job. I really don't care if I do it or not, I actually have other things to be doing so it's really okay. I don't want him thinking that I was flaking on not doing things (like helping with the party). I guess that's my biggest issue is that it's changing our friendship - the coach and I. I really feel like he's disappointed in me but in reality she was pushing me out and not really allowing me to help. I just don't know if I should try and clear the air with him or if it will make it worse.

 

Thanks everyone. I know I am overly stressed about this and I needed to make sense of how I was feeling. I think it just really makes me upset that she would treat people like this. What would she think if I didn't include her dd in the end of the season video? I wouldn't even think about doing that to a child, but she does and somehow she is more worthy of the position then me. Personally, I would like to see someone new take on the role and it be neither one of us.

 

Then tell the coach that this person is now the team mom and really doesn't want your input or help. That way, he knows that if things aren't done to his satisfaction, then he can deal with her. Or he can step in and tell her to take a flying leap and reinstate you. I'm kind of catty, but I would certainly express my disappointment to other moms because she sounds very manipulative and I would want to have a few people on my side when the you-know-what hits the fan.

[fourcatmom]

You have all made some really good points. Thank you.

 

And, believe me I am not after the coach but I guess it bothers me that she seems to be treating him like that and I find it rather distasteful. Rest assured, its more of an honor for me then a twisted sick desire. And, remember we have been working together for almost 5 years.

 

I do appreciate the advice! I guess it could be nice to see her work so hard! Maybe the female coach and I can go in on an end of the year gift, that might be nice and not give her our money.

 

Feeling better already!

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I think the key is to figure out why you care. (I mean, aside from disliking being around an unpleasant person). Do you really want to be team mom? Do you really want your child on this coach's team? Which is more important to you? It sounds as if you can really only have one of those things at most. In these types of situations, I would just bow out completely, leave it all to her, and not do any of those things any longer. If asked, I'd just say, "Sorry, I can't help this year," and leave it at that. The fact that you haven't done that makes me wonder what is driving you to continue what sounds like a very unpleasant situation.

 

 

:iagree: What she said. Also, no way would I continue to pay towards a coach's gift that didn't include my child. I would give my own gift.

[sassenach]

I would not pull my dd off of a team she loves, with a coach that's good, and girls she has played with for years just because of psycho mom. Embrace your new life as a slacker parent!! You could even buy her this tshirt and tell her that it just totally made you think of her!

 

Then you can just smile to yourself every time she wears it. Stop caring and hopefully she'll stop striving to out-do you.

[Catwoman]

And, believe me I am not after the coach but I guess it bothers me that she seems to be treating him like that and I find it rather distasteful. Rest assured, its more of an honor for me then a twisted sick desire. And, remember we have been working together for almost 5 years.

 

I wanted you to be sure to know I absolutely didn't think anything like that, but I could understand how someone might misinterpret the situation and I thought you might be too close to it and not see the possibility.

 

It's obvious to me that this woman is trying to manipulate herself into being the only "team mom," probably because she is a control freak, but possibly also because she is romantically interested in the coach, or -- even more likely -- because she wants a chance to cheat the other parents, and she knows that if you're around, she won't get away with it.

 

Honestly, I would tell the coach exactly what you've told us about the woman, and let him know that, while the past 5 years have been great, you're not willing to deal with being team mom with this other woman. It's up to you whether or not you feel it's appropriate to tell him that it's because you feel she is dishonest and scheming.

 

I think the idea of buying your own gift with the other coach and not giving Sneaky Mom any money is a great idea. :thumbup:

[fourcatmom]

I would not pull my dd off of a team she loves, with a coach that's good, and girls she has played with for years just because of psycho mom. Embrace your new life as a slacker parent!! You could even buy her this tshirt and tell her that it just totally made you think of her!

 

Then you can just smile to yourself every time she wears it. Stop caring and hopefully she'll stop striving to out-do you.

 

She's the type that would buy that shirt for herself. Too funny.

 

Thanks for making me feel less emotional about it all. I let her get to me and I am done with that.

[Catwoman]

Thanks for making me feel less emotional about it all. I let her get to me and I am done with that.

 

I think most of us would have felt exactly the same way in your situation. :grouphug:

[fourcatmom]

I wanted you to be sure to know I absolutely didn't think anything like that, but I could understand how someone might misinterpret the situation and I thought you might be too close to it and not see the possibility.

 

It's obvious to me that this woman is trying to manipulate herself into being the only "team mom," probably because she is a control freak, but possibly also because she is romantically interested in the coach, or -- even more likely -- because she wants a chance to cheat the other parents, and she knows that if you're around, she won't get away with it.

 

Honestly, I would tell the coach exactly what you've told us about the woman, and let him know that, while the past 5 years have been great, you're not willing to deal with being team mom with this other woman. It's up to you whether or not you feel it's appropriate to tell him that it's because you feel she is dishonest and scheming.

 

I think the idea of buying your own gift with the other coach and not giving Sneaky Mom any money is a great idea. :thumbup:

 

I didn't think you did. Honestly, you guys have really turned my thinking around. I do appreciate it. I feel stronger going into it. The last thing I wanted was to hurt my dd but you have actually made me sort of look forward to her needing my help and how I can keep my distance and still let my dd play. I think I will address some of the issue as the female coach is concerned as well. I don't think it's right to not say something when other people are involved. I know people were upset about money this year.

[Tammi K]

I think the key is to figure out why you care. (I mean, aside from disliking being around an unpleasant person). Do you really want to be team mom? Do you really want your child on this coach's team? Which is more important to you? It sounds as if you can really only have one of those things at most. In these types of situations, I would just bow out completely, leave it all to her, and not do any of those things any longer. If asked, I'd just say, "Sorry, I can't help this year," and leave it at that. The fact that you haven't done that makes me wonder what is driving you to continue what sounds like a very unpleasant situation.

:iagree:

 

The one thing not mentioned above that really would concern me is this: you know she misused team funds and you didn't speak up? Yikes.

[fourcatmom]

:iagree:

 

The one thing not mentioned above that really would concern me is this: you know she misused team funds and you didn't speak up? Yikes.

 

I don't know that she misused other people's funds, but she did mine and the female coach the previous year. I asked her about what she had used the money on, and I was told that it was to make duplicates of pictures for the families. I think this is a personal choice and she should not have required each parent to do this. This was not part of the coach's gifts but included in the money requested as part of the "coach's gift." Then of course she gives them the "gift" like it's from her when it fact, the parents paid for it. Everyone got a very large stack of pictures, I saw her handling them out at the team party, except me. I got two pictures and paid $10 just like everyone else. I can't really say for sure how much she spent but I don't trust her with money either. She is very bad at keeping track and often didn't know who paid her. She often asked me (I kept a list of who paid for what). She just asked for money and took it and didn't record anything. I guess I feel it's kind of a fine line since each parent got something for their money, she didn't pocket it. In an economy when people don't have it, I know some were having a hard time paying for everything. We also had a money can that had over $300 in it and the coach used $200 of it for awards and we were left with $100 for the swim party. I also disagreed with how she spent that but she ended up putting in her own money and I didn't contribute since I didn't agree to it.

 

I think some might not think she "misused" the money but I am sure that some would think she didn't use it wisely either. I guess that's why I feel that I need to talk to the coach since there are some more concrete issues that need to be brought up and the female coach and I agree that we need to point these things out to him. He does not get involved in the coach's gifts and nobody really oversees the team Mom, so for some things it's a matter of opinion but I know that I have to at least get some of these things off my chest and he can deal with it from here on out. I wont' be giving her any money.

 

ETA: She misused the money in that she misrepresented how the money was being spent. I don't know if others would agree with me or not. I also think when that much money is involved, someone else should be over seeing how it's being spent.

Edited July 31, 2012 by fourcatmom

[MollyAnn]

I understand when you say its more like an honor to be the team mom than a need. I was room mom for DDs first grade class. I didn't need to be it, but I was honored when asked.

 

It is near impossible to win with a person like this.

Have you been asked for the upcoming year? While I think the best thing would be for you to not work with her again. I don't think you should go quietly away.

When giving your answer say something like "You know, she seems to think its a competition and doesn't let me do anything. It makes me uncomfortable. I think I am going to pass this year. But if you need me for anything in the future, I am here" in a very laid back way and leave it at that. Your not complaining about her, you are just stating your feelings and not expecting him to anything about the situation, but you are making him aware of it.

Then do not contribute for the gift, give your own. Or casually mention to the other parents while sitting in the stands that you think a gift certificate would be a great gift this year. Get other parents on board with it. There is no way to hide how much money is spent on a gift certificate. Just make sure you pick up the card and have everyone sign it.

[Tammi K]

I think some might not think she "misused" the money but I am sure that some would think she didn't use it wisely either. I guess that's why I feel that I need to talk to the coach

 

ETA: She misused the money in that she misrepresented how the money was being spent. I don't know if others would agree with me or not. I also think when that much money is involved, someone else should be over seeing how it's being spent.

 

Ahhhh, that really is a crappy situation. I was hockey team manager for the last two years and sadly I think parents like that are part of every sport. I'm sorry you had a bad season.

[tex-mex]

Makes me feel sorry for the co-workers and neighbors of that Team Mom. Can you imagine having to put up with that type of personality? Yikes. :blink:

[fourcatmom]

Ahhhh, that really is a crappy situation. I was hockey team manager for the last two years and sadly I think parents like that are part of every sport. I'm sorry you had a bad season.

 

Yeah, I remembered tonight that during the last soccer season she made out the snack schedule and we had talked before about not having the coach's bring snack if we could arrange it. There are always three coach's on the team, two men and one woman. She made the snack schedule and didn't schedule for the two men but included the woman coach in the snack list. I noticed this and brought snack in her place. I guess we are just both push overs and we are allowing her to treat us this way. This is just the kind of crap that she's playing. If it was just one season, I could be done with it but both our kids love being on the team.

[fourcatmom]

Makes me feel sorry for the co-workers and neighbors of that Team Mom. Can you imagine having to put up with that type of personality? Yikes. :blink:

 

And her husband. :confused: Are there any board rules about bashing Team Mom's online? Just checking, because I really am feeling better that I have been able to vent and get his off my chest. I am going to approach the coach, with the female coach but I think I will be more strong and less emotional thanks to all your help. Thanks for letting me work this problem through.

[kroe1]

Sorry, I did not read the other replies. And I can only tell you what I would do.

 

I have been at this mommy thing for 32 years now. For all of those 32 years, my life has been tied up in carpooling and kiddo activities. I have no other social outlets. So if there is any kiddo activity at our house, it has to be a good fit for both my kiddo and me. If I'm not happy, we're dropping the team. If kiddo isn't happy, we're dropping the team. It's a family affair, and that's that.

 

To me, it sounds like you enjoyed being team mom. It was a part of your identity, fun, and social life. If there are other teams in your area, then try to switch.

 

:)

[besroma]

I agree that it is a good idea to talk to the male coach(es) with the female coach to try to make sure you are understood.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with such a manipulative person. Hopefully she will reveal herself and you will be Team Mom without her again one day.

[Lisbeth]

I would have a video camera w me constantly next season, and take video of her acting like her typical self. Then I would create a montage of her and present her with the dvd at the end of the year, in appreciation of all of her fine work. ;)

[fourcatmom]

:D That's funny. I wish I had the backbone to do stuff like that.

[Just Beachy]

OP, I think you are in for a fun season. I agree with the others. Enjoy your slacker mom status. Enjoy watching your dd and not having to worry about all the other stuff. Enjoy talking to the other parents and just having fun. Bring your own camera and get plenty of pics of the kids having fun. Enjoy watching the official team mom implode. Sounds like she will. I mean if she could not keep track of who paid what, etc. Could be great fun to watch, and watch guilt free since it is clear she does not want your participation. I would also opt out of the team gift.

 

Have a great season,

:) Beachy

[Chris in VA]

I don't have my child in sports, so all I can say is, what an "interesting" culture.

 

Ok, I guess I'll also say, I would absolutely contribute to a team coach gift. I wouldn't want to be seen as separate from the team parents. I would not want to be seen as petty or gossipy, either, so everything I'd say would either be right in front of her or would be something I wouldn't care if it got back to her.

 

I would also, at the first meeting, ask for clarification (when the coach is not there, because it's tacky and uncomfortable to be present or part of a discussion re your own gifts) about what the $ goes toward. Just ask it as a somewhat rhetorical question, like, "I just want to be sure--ALL this $ goes to buy the coach's gift, right? Because last year, I know some of it went to get duplicates of photos so we could have photos of our kids, and I really, really appreciate our coaches, so I would like to be sure ALL of the $ goes toward his end of the year gift." Then suggest people ALL take some photos during the year and share them at the end--maybe even set up an online account so that people can buy their own. You could even go to the coach and say you are not available for making a dvd this year, and you were disappointed to only receive 2 photos of your child (and then "apologize" briefly that the coach did not receive a picture of your child in the team photo --how did that happen, anyway?) but you think online-sharing is the way to go.

 

Get the parents talking about it in a lighthearted way, without dissing the other person.

 

OR, just disengage. :D

[PrairieSong]

I would definitely have a talk with the coach about misuse of funds, and I would bring the female coach with me.

 

Then after I had this talk, I would bow out gracefully, step back emotionally, and enjoy watching your daughter and her team play. If you are asked to do the DVD again by the coach, explain what happened last year and tell him you're sorry, but you can't make one this year.

 

When I was leader of a weight loss support group, I dealt with two people who were horrible and controlling like this. Neither had a leadership position, but both caused strife. With one, I just smiled and nodded while she ranted. With the other, I let her have her way on one occasion when it obviously was not fair to me (long story), but you know what? This type of person is profoundly unhappy. Nothing I did or didn't do changed that. Both of these women weeded themselves out of the group.

 

The Team Mom will self-destruct sooner or later, or be booted out when enough parents get tired of her scheming ways.

[fourcatmom]

I don't have my child in sports, so all I can say is, what an "interesting" culture.

 

Ok, I guess I'll also say, I would absolutely contribute to a team coach gift. I wouldn't want to be seen as separate from the team parents. I would not want to be seen as petty or gossipy, either, so everything I'd say would either be right in front of her or would be something I wouldn't care if it got back to her.

 

I would also, at the first meeting, ask for clarification (when the coach is not there, because it's tacky and uncomfortable to be present or part of a discussion re your own gifts) about what the $ goes toward. Just ask it as a somewhat rhetorical question, like, "I just want to be sure--ALL this $ goes to buy the coach's gift, right? Because last year, I know some of it went to get duplicates of photos so we could have photos of our kids, and I really, really appreciate our coaches, so I would like to be sure ALL of the $ goes toward his end of the year gift." Then suggest people ALL take some photos during the year and share them at the end--maybe even set up an online account so that people can buy their own. You could even go to the coach and say you are not available for making a dvd this year, and you were disappointed to only receive 2 photos of your child (and then "apologize" briefly that the coach did not receive a picture of your child in the team photo --how did that happen, anyway?) but you think online-sharing is the way to go.

 

Get the parents talking about it in a lighthearted way, without dissing the other person.

 

OR, just disengage. :D

 

She made a shadow box for each of the coach's as the end of the year gift. A collage of pictures of the team. There was a shadow box for each coach (3 total). My dd was not in any of the boxes, all of the other children were. The same thing with the female coach the year before. Said Team Mom made the coach a blanket with pictures for end of year gift, each parent paid towards it including the female coach. Her child was the only one who's picture was not included on the blanket.

 

We also do Shutterfly every year. That's one of the reasons I found what she did pointless. The parents had access to everyone's pictures and could order and make copies of the one's they wanted. A lot of people don't even want/need actual pictures anymore and they were all available online.

 

Thanks again - I have decided to talk to him and to enjoy the season with my dd but I am going to encourage her to move on to a different league next year with more opportunity to play year around which is what she wants.

[NorthwestMom]

((fourcatmom))

 

All this team parent stuff makes me crazy. I would stop doing anything for the team per se, but I would be there to help and support my DD.

 

I can't believe that NO ONE talked to her about leaving a child out of the coach's gifts more than once. That shows there is a very sick dynamic at play here.

[fourcatmom]

((fourcatmom))

 

All this team parent stuff makes me crazy. I would stop doing anything for the team per se, but I would be there to help and support my DD.

 

I can't believe that NO ONE talked to her about leaving a child out of the coach's gifts more than once. That shows there is a very sick dynamic at play here.

 

I don't believe anyone noticed, except the two of us. Sorry if this is driving you nuts, I really wanted to sort through my feelings and decide how I wanted to proceed. I won't go through another year of this. It's a bit difficult to pull the coach aside at the team party and start complaining. I guess I am a wimp. :confused:

[NorthwestMom]

No, I am totally in support of you! TOTALLY!

 

I have been on teams for years and I hate this kind of business. If I had noticed ANYONE'S child left off of a gift like that, I would have brought it up and tried to find a fix for it, but I get that it is hard for you, with this crazy dynamic. I wish another parent had advocated for your daughter. I hate that kids are hurt by this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[DianeW88]

You need to become the "drop off" Mom this season. Drop your dd off at practice, come back and get her when she's finished. If you can't leave her there....wait in your car and read a book. Do not attend anything else. Tell the other parents that you're involved with something else that doesn't allow you to do anything but attend your child's games. "No, I'm sorry, I can't help with that this year. I just don't have the time at the moment." Stay out of everything completely. The drama will disappear.

 

Oh, and "no" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.

 

I had something similar when my dd was in ballet years ago. Becoming the uninvolved "drop off" mom was the best thing I ever did. Saved me from tons of emotional drama that I didn't need or want in my life.

[fourcatmom]

No, I am totally in support of you! TOTALLY!

 

I have been on teams for years and I hate this kind of business. If I had noticed ANYONE'S child left off of a gift like that, I would have brought it up and tried to find a fix for it, but I get that it is hard for you, with this crazy dynamic. I wish another parent had advocated for your daughter. I hate that kids are hurt by this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sorry, I misunderstood. There is so much going on a the team party, it's not what people are thinking about. I only checked because I knew she had done it to the coach the year before. I might not have noticed either if I wasn't specifically looking.

[Catwoman]

I've been thinking about this, and I think the suggestion to become a "drop-off mom" is a good one.

 

I know you've worked with the coach guy for 5 years, but if he wants Looney Tunes Mom as the team mom, let him have her. And only her. Tell him you've enjoyed working with him, but that you have no interest in dealing with Idiot Mom (probably you'll want to use her real name :tongue_smilie:) and that you hope the team has a great season, and that you'll be at the games to cheer them on and to watch your dd play.

 

If he asks why you won't be more involved, tell him the truth, including all of your suspicions about Looney Tunes Mom. But depending where his loyalties lie, he might turn around and tell her exactly what you said, so be prepared for that if you tell him what you really think of her.

 

This drama over kids' sports is just ridiculous. :glare: How can anyone expect the kids to act responsibly if the parents won't play nicely together? Maybe you'll get lucky and Looney Tunes Mom will move far away soon.

[Rebel Yell]

Then tell the coach that this person is now the team mom and really doesn't want your input or help. That way, he knows that if things aren't done to his satisfaction, then he can deal with her. Or he can step in and tell her to take a flying leap and reinstate you. I'm kind of catty, but I would certainly express my disappointment to other moms because she sounds very manipulative and I would want to have a few people on my side when the you-know-what hits the fan.

 

:grouphug:

 

Definitely talk tot he coaches with another sane adult present.

 

I was once pushed out of a group- it was one of the worst experiences of my life. My caution to you is to watch your children like a hawk- the horrid woman who took over also treated my children horribly- far worse than leaving them out of photos, but in such a sneaky way that when I brought it up, *I* looked like the crazy one- especially since everyone else thought she was doing such wonderful things.

 

If you choose to not be co-team-mom, tell the coach that your work/personality styles do not mesh together and for the good of the team, you are willing to either: bow out and let 'new team mom" do all of the work, or choose her own accomplice, OR be Team Mom without her. Strongly suggest that another parent be in charge of reviewing the finances to make sure they are being used as intended. Wasting a little money for quality or convenience is no big deal. Using coach gift money to buy prints that nobody ordered is a waste.

 

I'm hoping the coaches are smart enough to know that a gift presented by teammom is from the entire group, but never assume.

 

good luck, and keep us posted.

[fourcatmom]

I've been thinking about this, and I think the suggestion to become a "drop-off mom" is a good one.

 

I know you've worked with the coach guy for 5 years, but if he wants Looney Tunes Mom as the team mom, let him have her. And only her. Tell him you've enjoyed working with him, but that you have no interest in dealing with Idiot Mom (probably you'll want to use her real name :tongue_smilie:) and that you hope the team has a great season, and that you'll be at the games to cheer them on and to watch your dd play.

 

If he asks why you won't be more involved, tell him the truth, including all of your suspicions about Looney Tunes Mom. But depending where his loyalties lie, he might turn around and tell her exactly what you said, so be prepared for that if you tell him what you really think of her.

 

This drama over kids' sports is just ridiculous. :glare: How can anyone expect the kids to act responsibly if the parents won't play nicely together? Maybe you'll get lucky and Looney Tunes Mom will move far away soon.

 

Thank you. I just get great joy out of watching her. It does make me sick as well, it shouldn't be like this. I am going to walk away but I will continue to watch, as this is what I want. I realize being away separates me from her drama but watching my dd play is too important to me. If it gets bad, I will revert to that. I am not going to engage and I will not be helping or supporting.

[fourcatmom]

:grouphug:

 

Definitely talk tot he coaches with another sane adult present.

 

I was once pushed out of a group- it was one of the worst experiences of my life. My caution to you is to watch your children like a hawk- the horrid woman who took over also treated my children horribly- far worse than leaving them out of photos, but in such a sneaky way that when I brought it up, *I* looked like the crazy one- especially since everyone else thought she was doing such wonderful things.

 

If you choose to not be co-team-mom, tell the coach that your work/personality styles do not mesh together and for the good of the team, you are willing to either: bow out and let 'new team mom" do all of the work, or choose her own accomplice, OR be Team Mom without her. Strongly suggest that another parent be in charge of reviewing the finances to make sure they are being used as intended. Wasting a little money for quality or convenience is no big deal. Using coach gift money to buy prints that nobody ordered is a waste.

 

I'm hoping the coaches are smart enough to know that a gift presented by teammom is from the entire group, but never assume.

 

good luck, and keep us posted.

 

Yes, this is how she is!

[fourcatmom]

Another example of how controlling this person is, she wanted to charge every family money at the beginning of the year so that she could go buy the snacks and bring them to each game. She thought that some of us parents were flakes and wouldn't remember to bring snack on our day.

 

Funny part of about this, one parent did forget. Guess who it was? :D I relished in joy when the kids ran to me and asked me for snack and I got to announce that it was so in so's day. Then she brought extra snack to the next game to "make up for it" and ended up making that parent mad.

 

Your all right, she will dig her grave without me. :D

[SitLongTalkMuch]

I'd not mention anything to the coach. People like her have a way of twisting things to their benefit she'll make you look like a whiner and herself a peach. As Mrs. Mungo said time will tell on her.

 

Also it seems she may be one of those woman who are intimidated by other ladies. She wants all the male attention on her. Bringing cake to another mans wife! Who does that?

[fourcatmom]

I'd not mention anything to the coach. People like her have a way of twisting things to their benefit she'll make you look like a whiner and herself a peach. As Mrs. Mungo said time will tell on her.

 

Also it seems she may be one of those woman who are intimidated by other ladies. She wants all the male attention on her. Bringing cake to another mans wife! Who does that?[/QUOTE]

 

Bingo! That's what I though since she is pushing out the two most involved females of the group and nobody else.

 

I though the cake thing was weird to but it was to another woman's husband.

 

And, this is the same parent that questioned me about homeschooling and insisted I send my dd to high school (when it was time) so that she could go to the prom.

Edited July 31, 2012 by fourcatmom