How to become content?

[Just Kate]

I have been reflecting on my life lately and realizing that while I do have times of happiness, I am not ever really content. The past several years has been tough on me. I have dealt with multiple times of unemployment for my husband, marriage issues (probably mostly due to the unemployment), the loss of our home, a move back to my hometown where we are now renters (with not many rental options to choose from), and having to stop homeschooling so I can continue to work. I happen to be around a lot of people who have been more successful in life and I have a very difficult time not being envious of them.

 

Now, I do have many things to be thankful for...my family is healthy, my husband found a job that he loves (although he works out of town now, which is difficult for me), while I do have to put my kids in school this fall, it is a private school which I am happy about. I am thankful that I live near my parents now and they are a huge part of my kids' lives. I also live near my BFF for the first time in over 15 years.

 

Yet I often find myself not enjoying today because I spend so much time thinking about either the mistakes that we have made which have put us in our current situation, or what we can do to get to where I'd like to be in the future. My kids are only 8 and 4 and I sometimes feel like I'm not enjoying them like i could because I am always thinking about how I wish my life were different.

 

Another thing that is hard for me...since moving back to my hometown, I now live close to my brother, who happens to be very successful and very well known in the community. I am constantly being introduced as Brother's sister. I have always been a bit jealous of him anyway (typical sibling jealously, I think) and this just makes it so much worse. When we lived in another state, I was happy for his success. But now, while I am happy for him, I can't help wishing that my family was more like his.

 

Anyway, I hate that I am like this and I am actually starting to see my discontentment start to rub off on my dc. I really want to be content and just live my life and not worry about everyone else. But how do I get there?

 

Thanks so much!

[sunnylady303]

Isn't that a question of the ages?

 

I also have done a lot of reflecting on this lately. First, let me ask if you are Christian or not? Not to make a value judgement but so that I can give you advice (whether it will be good or not, I make no claims:lol:).

[Just Kate]

Isn't that a question of the ages?

 

I also have done a lot of reflecting on this lately. First, let me ask if you are Christian or not? Not to make a value judgement but so that I can give you advice (whether it will be good or not, I make no claims:lol:).

 

Yes, I am a Christian. And I will take any advice I can get!!!

[tomandlorih]

Quoting OP "Anyway, I hate that I am like this and I am actually starting to see my discontentment start to rub off on my dc. I really want to be content and just live my life and not worry about everyone else. But how do I get there?"

 

:iagree: I need help with this too! I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one day and say.. What happened? When did I really live? :bigear: in on your advice!

[WistfulRidge]

:grouphug:

Edited July 7, 2012 by theAmbitiousHousewife

[Word Nerd]

Yet I often find myself not enjoying today because I spend so much time thinking about either the mistakes that we have made which have put us in our current situation, or what we can do to get to where I'd like to be in the future. My kids are only 8 and 4 and I sometimes feel like I'm not enjoying them like i could because I am always thinking about how I wish my life were different.

 

:grouphug: I know it's easier said than done, but when you find yourself dwelling a thought like this, try to stop that thought in its tracks. Pass the virtual bean dip to your brain and refuse to engage with that thought process. Do something else and change the subject.

 

There's nothing wrong with reflecting on mistakes, taking responsibility for what could have been done differently, or considering how to change things so the future is better. But it doesn't sound to me like that's what you're doing, and the thoughts you are having aren't helpful or constructive. You've been there and done that, and you've already thought about it. Focus on the making the most of where you are now, and "bloom where you're planted." I don't personally believe that contentment is something that just happens or that you discover once and that's that. It's an active pursuit, not a passive one.

 

(Note: My response above is going from the assumption that there isn't something like clinical depression going on, but if you suspect that might be a factor in your lack of contentment, seek professional help to deal with it.)

Edited July 7, 2012 by WordGirl

[Missouri Okie]

:grouphug:

 

I a small thing that I'm confident will help you is to start keeping a gratitude journal (a la Ann Voskamp). It really changes the way you look at things when you right down five blessings each day. It has made me more positive/content.

[milovany]

I'm about to order this UL expression in a huge size and put it up on my bathroom mirror. I love the thought and would love to see it often throughout the day. :001_smile:

 

ETA -- I have often struggled with contentment but have purposely worked on it, and feel it's one of the best gifts I can give our children. It's one of the reasons I'm glad we have not been really well off financially; I like teaching my kids, "Oh, well. It's just a thing. We can be happy without that thing." (I know there are other ways to learn this lesson, but this is the one God chose for us.)

Edited July 7, 2012 by milovaný

[sunnylady303]

I am not giving advice like I have it figured out but like I have to work on it continually. Sometimes it works and sometimes not, but I think I am more content than I was six months ago. Here are some things I did:

 

I prayed every day. I realized sometimes I gave lip service to prayer but didn't commit to it. I committed and gave much of my discontent to God.

 

I surrounded myself with books and audio that were encouraging but reminded me how much I have. For instance, we have been listening to the audio of "Kisses from Katie" about a high school girl off to do mission work in Uganda. She describes at one point mothers mixing mud with salt so their children's bellies aren't full. I was incredibly convicted by that. We have been out of our house for a month now because of water damage and it's been very frustrating and we are all off and struggling, but how can I be that upset in light of what I have been reading?

 

On the other hand, while it's important to put your own troubles in perspective, you still have to give your feelings validation. I found people (not always my husband!) like my best friend or an elder to vent to every once in a while. Someone who would say, "I know it's hard."

 

We are in a tough place mostly because of mistakes and irresponsibility of our own. The guilt for that sometimes weighs me down. I read scripture and pray about that too. Is it Psalm 56...(I don't have a Bible in the hotel, sadly) that says "the only sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken and humble spirit"? That helps.

 

Taking the AA motto (my brother is in AA) of "one day (really one moment) at a time" helps.

 

The book One Thousand Gifts helped me a lot too. Even if it isn't your cup of tea, focussing in on things I am thankful for, either by writing them down or taking pictures of, helps me be more present and keep me more content.

 

I've posted hymns and verses of gratitude all around the house. It helps me stay in a place of contentment also.

 

I know these are surface things and I know it isn't that easy. But the surface things help the inward changes in me. I don't know what any of this is worth. But maybe there will be something.

 

I will be eagerly watching the replies here.

[Closeacademy]

I became content once I lowered my expectations, accepted everyone around me for being who they are and not how I envisioned them, accepted reality and my situation for what it is, and then just focused on being happy with what I have because there are a lot of people out there who have worse conditions than I do.

 

Don't dwell on the unhappy bits. The things that are not how you dreamed your life would be. Don't worry about what others have because honestly they are probably just as broke as you are but at a higher level of debt.

 

Be thankful. Count your blessings and what you are able to do. And chant to yourself "What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger." :001_smile:

[Lily_Grace]

I discovered this year that I have to *choose* to be content. For New Year's I broke the year up into month-long resolutions: 30 days of something. One of them was choosing joy. I woke up each morning and told myself, "I'm going to be happy today. The sun is out, we have food, warm clothes..I'm going to be happy." And I repeated that often. I found little things to give me joy: a flower, a good book..

 

It is hard to keep up long term but the experiment did change how I approach each day and made me more content with my life as-is.

[Beth S]

Indeed, developing a sense of gratitude (esp. through prayer) can be a powerful tool. My dh helps me with this, thankfully.

 

For me, another great example is in the Pixar Movie, "Up". Carl & Ellie start their married life with big dreams, which are inevitably postponed by problems. This strikes a universal chord with every married couple who sees it--because EVERYONE experiences those disappointments.

 

However, as an old man, he finds evidence that his wife truly cherished and loved their life together. Here's the clip of that scene. Again, it strikes a universal chord, because looking back on precious memories is such a gift.

 

It's only a 2:30 minute clip= "Thanks for the Adventure"

 

[KrissiK]

One thing that has helped me (and I don't see that you have this problem, so it might not apply) is to stop watching a lot of tv and reading a lot of fiction, esp. Romance type novels. I would start "believing" this is how life should be (I knew it wasn't really, but sometimes I watch tv and start wishing I was thin and beautiful and had a good-looking funny husband, etc). So, once I ditched that, I didn't have so much to compare to. Another thing that has helped has been starting a thankfulness journal a la' "1000 gifts". I knew I should be thankful for the biggies, health, my hubby, etc. but I started writing down even the littlest pleasures (I really wanted to get to 1000) like, I saw an owl this morning on my walk, and I love owls. I'd learn to appreciate the varying shade of pinks in the roses of my home grown bouquet. It becomes a mindset. How can you be discontent when you're working at being thankful for everything?

[Ghee]

My grandmother had a lovely cross stitch that hung on the wall opposite her bed. It was the Serenity Prayer:

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to kmow the difference

 

I think the hardest part is knowing what to deal with/accept and what is a cut your losses and consider it a lesson learned type thing. I don't think accepting means taking stuff that makes you feel bad, it means learning what you can deal with and taking it on those terms.

[Desert Strawberry]

:grouphug:

 

I a small thing that I'm confident will help you is to start keeping a gratitude journal (a la Ann Voskamp). It really changes the way you look at things when you right down five blessings each day. It has made me more positive/content.

 

I understand. Our life has not turned out how I expected. The past few years were really hard on us. It's difficult to deal with disappointment.

 

The above advice has worked for me. Some days it is so hard to see anything to be grateful for. But even finding one blessing each day helped me to be happy in the moment. Not having a car forced me to spend time at home with my kids. No money for activities =more time for creative pursuits, both for the kids and for me. All of those things I never had time for? Now I did have time.

 

It is easy for me, now that we are coming out the other side.I am super optimistic. How can I not be when we have come so far? Granted, we still live an extremely humble life. But our basic needs are met, and we have each other.

 

I will bet that no matter how crappy your situation is right now, you could make a long list of blessings you could choose to be content with.

[marbel]

I agree with everyone that being thankful is key. I struggle greatly with discontent in several areas of my life.

 

Since you said you are a Christian... you know that God is sovereign and that whatever is going on with your life is because he ordains it so. Sometimes that makes it easier for me but I'm sorry to say it doesn't always.

 

I try to be consistent with prayer, thankfulness, and reading the Bible. The Bible is full of stories of people who were faithful even though they had reason to be discontent. It's an ongoing effort on my part.

 

:grouphug:

[SunnyDays]

You've gotten good advice from others, I'm just offering hugs. :grouphug:

 

I'm an expert at being discontent so I know well the shoes you're in. I need to get this Voskamp book. It is hard when your life looks very different than how you envisioned it. The success factor that you mentioned is a big thing for me... I was an early bloomer in my career, and I never dreamed I'd walk away from it. I know I want to do something different someday, but I don't know what or how to move down that path.

 

There is something to appreciating the little things, as well as putting things into your life that do make you happy. Now we just need to figure out what those things are!!

[Katy]

The thing that helped me most with this was prayer. I got some of those Stormy Omartian books like "Power of a Praying Wife" which is about praying with scripture.

 

I chose a prayer or two for everything that was bothering me about my life. I recorded myself (I used a mini tape recorder, but you could easily do this with your computer's microphone and then convert it to an mp3) saying all of these prayers, and then every time I was unhappy about something I'd listen to the prayers, sometimes while cleaning, sometimes while walking. I had so many areas I was unhappy I think the prayer tape was more than an hour long.

 

After the first time I felt a little better. After the third time I realized these prayers were going to change my attitude about things even more than they were going to change my circumstances. I was okay with that. After probably the fifth time some (but not all) of my circumstances began to change too.

 

Also, I love this song when I'm unhappy:

[shukriyya]

Anyway, I hate that I am like this...

 

You have gotten some wonderfully wise advice already. Your statement above jumped out at me. For so many of us this is the crux of the issue. If we are able to allow our own state to simply be without judgement but to see it as something transient there would be a lot more space for grace and insight to arise.

 

This doesn't mean that one doesn't work with things that aren't serving us but it means doing so without the ongoing judgement and litany of self-critical remarks that accompany it, with an attitude of curiosity. We'd be such better friends with ourselves if we could allow this. Perhaps that is a place to start, developing an ongoing friendship with your own sweet self, really getting to know yourself outside of your own ideas about who you *should* be or who you aren't. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

I'll loan you my Dh.

 

When I would get like that, he would tell me my ass was too big and I was being ungrateful, which I was. :D we have that kind of relationship. Work hard and be grateful.

 

Let me warn you, you'll never, ever get where you're going if you're not grateful for where you are. Some days that meant me just being grateful that we all woke up breathing. And though many times I'm cheeky, in this I'm very serious. We both started with nothing. He was in bankruptcy, I had nothing to my name but a few garbage bags of junk.

 

Dwell on what you're grateful for. The rest will come.

[kalanamak]

--A philosopher named Aristippus, who had quite willingly sucked up to Dionysus and won himself a spot at his court, saw Diogenes cooking lentils for a meal. "If you would only learn to compliment Dionysus, you wouldn't have to live on lentils."

Diogenes replied, "But if you would only learn to live on lentils, you wouldn't have to flatter Dionysus."--

 

 

Now then, if you make it about Life and not the tyrant Dionysus ....

 

 

My trick for this has been working with those markedly less fortunate than myself. Not a day passes I don't thank the stars for my genes and my upbringing, neither of which are the product of my efforts, but just luck.

Edited July 7, 2012 by kalanamak
afterthought

[tadah]

Interesting discussion -- thanks for starting it. I love getting the different thoughts and perspectives on this.

 

I keep coming back to one thing: healthy children. I am so grateful for that.

[Farrar]

The thing ivenoted about contentment is it comes for me, in feeling in control of my life. When things are uncertain because of jobs, moves, etc. then it's harder. I try to focus on the decisions I have made and can make to be in charge of the world around me - even if it's just that I can choose what to eat for dinner.

[tomandlorih]

I discovered this year that I have to *choose* to be content. For New Year's I broke the year up into month-long resolutions: 30 days of something. One of them was choosing joy. I woke up each morning and told myself, "I'm going to be happy today. The sun is out, we have food, warm clothes..I'm going to be happy." And I repeated that often. I found little things to give me joy: a flower, a good book..

 

It is hard to keep up long term but the experiment did change how I approach each day and made me more content with my life as-is.

 

 

This is a great idea! Such good advice from everyone! I know it wasn't my thread but Thanks!

[happyhomemaker]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think it's especially hard to be content when you've had a certain lifestyle and then lose it. We lost our home due to dh's unemployment and are now renting in an area that's not so great and have a paycheck that's considerably smaller than it used to be. To be honest, I have spent the past few years trying to get my life back the way it used to be. I didn't unpack all of our stuff here because I kept thinking we wouldn't be here very long. Sometimes I don't want to visit my sisters because their houses are so nice. I really am happy for them, but it just reminds me of what I don't have. When I got to that point, I knew something needed to change about ME.

 

My mom used to tell me that youthan either spend your life looking forward to future events, or you can live your life and leave future up to God's timing. Basically I need to live in the now and not be a shell of a person because I am always dreaming about the future. I also need to realize that giving my kids myself is much more important than fancy cars, houses, vacations, etc.

 

It has been painful to let go of my dreams of returning to "normal". Kind of like a little piece of me died. It's not that I think it's impossible for us to one day have what we used to, but I can't let that be the focus of my life. I pray a lot that I will be truly present wherever I am. I pray that I will be able to make a home for us wherever we are and show the kids that a home is about the people in it, not the building they happen to be in. I count my blessings and thank God for them. I also thank God for the blessings He has given others (like my sisters' homes). Most of all I hold on to the fact that God is good, loves me, and is preparing me for His kingdom. I am a pilgrim in this land, and one day I will have a beautiful, permanent home. :001_smile:

[ktgrok]

I think part of this is maybe personality, or how you are raised. I'm a VERY content person. Seriously....I just am. For me, I just take the time to reflect on all the amazing things in my life. Like running water! How awesome is hot and cold water at your beck and call??? A hot shower? A song I like on the radio. Family that love you. Stop and be thankful each time something like this comes up, and you start seeing more and more of it. Focus on what you have, and you will busy your mind so much there isn't any room left for discontent.

 

My husband was like you. Over the years I've really rubbed off on him, so I do think that pointing out the good things in life on a daily basis can change your outlook.

 

Also, TRUST! Trust that the universe/God/whatever will provide, and you will be cared for.

[ktgrok]

One thing that has helped me (and I don't see that you have this problem, so it might not apply) is to stop watching a lot of tv and reading a lot of fiction, esp. Romance type novels.

 

Well, I still read romance novels, lol...but I agree with the TV thing. Particularly "Reality" shows. They are soooooooo messed up, and I can only imagine what kids growing up will expect after watching these things.

 

I watch a lot of Law and Order...maybe that makes me content because my life is so much better than those victims?

 

But yes, ditch commercials, ditch reality TV, and find a niche with people that don't treasure material things.

[NancyNellen]

:grouphug:

 

I a small thing that I'm confident will help you is to start keeping a gratitude journal (a la Ann Voskamp). It really changes the way you look at things when you right down five blessings each day. It has made me more positive/content.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

This has helped me immensely during those less-than-content times.

[Just Kate]

Thank you all so much. There were so many wonderful responses and since I am just getting back here, I know I can't quote and reply to all.

 

I love the idea of a gratitude journal. I mean, I know that I have so many things that others would love to have. My two children are healthy...that alone is reason to be grateful. Also, I have both of my parents in my life. They are wonderful to my children (and dh and me) and I am truly grateful for them. I'm good at seeing the big things...probably a gratitude journal would help me to see the smaller, less noticable things.

 

I also agree that I alone choose what I spend my time focusing on. I know that it does no good to keep stewing about the past and how I wish things were. I have made it a bad habit to just keep focusing on the negative, and it is up to me to focus on the positive. Living in the here and now is also something I need to focus on. Like a PP said, I probably need to just wake up each and every morning and tell myself that I am going to find joy in TODAY.

 

Finally, I probably need to focus more of my time on my faith. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl and sometimes, I get quite blah and just don't spend time in my Bible and prayer like I know I should. I am definitely in one of those blah times right now. Changing this would probably help me.

 

Thank you all for sharing. I am glad to know I'm not alone. I guess this is just something that I need to actively work on each and every day.

[myfunnybunch]

I don't personally believe that contentment is something that just happens or that you discover once and that's that. It's an active pursuit, not a passive one.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I try to focus on the knowledge that God has placed me exactly where He wants me and given me tremendous gifts. And believe me, sometimes I have had to focus, and re-focus, and re-focus. The good news is that focusing on contentment and gratitude has become more and more a good habit.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[LarlaB]

“There is no end of craving. Hence contentment alone is the best way to happiness. Therefore, acquire contentment.†~Swami Sivananda

 

I love the line- 'there is no end of craving'....it speaks to all appetites, no? The satiated feeling is only temporary, and the sooner we can recognize this the better. I love to meditate on that thought.

 

I'm right with you in the struggle and pray daily for an awareness of all that I have...One really practical way to counteract this is to keep myself grounded in another's reality- those who have no food, no safety, no love, no children, no home, no income, no hope etc. When I feel anothers burden I cannot help but be trully satisfied and live more fully in the moment.

 

:grouphug: