Despondent (Probably Just a Vent)

[Cassy]

If someone you knew who was quite close to your family, and whose company you might otherwise quite enjoy, took the view that your homeschooling was a totally unnecessary indulgence on your part, and damaging to your children, how would you deal with it?

 

Most people think our homeschool is wonderful, and DH often tells people that the boys have a better education than any amount of money could buy, but the opinion of this one person really gnaws away at my peace of mind. I can avoid the person in question, and on the rare occasions when I might see them it's relatively easy to avoid the topic of homeschooling. But it makes me feel cross, frustrated and disheartened on a daily basis.

 

Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it, but I'm not very good at denial :sad:. Part of me wants to convince them that their idealised view of schools and their distorted impressions of homeschooling are just not the reality. I know I can't control what someone else thinks. I guess I just have a strong need for approval.

 

I think this may have just turned into a vent, as I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore :001_unsure:.

[Impish]

:grouphug:

No, you cannot change someone's mind. All you can do is what you do, and either they'll come around or they won't.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

So this is someone you occassionally see but their opinion matter that much to you?

[mommaduck]

:grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Some people are just plain stubborn and there's no way to convince them. If you know in your heart that what you are doing is the right thing for your family, then you really needn't bother caring what this one person thinks. Try to forget them, or try to see them in a different light, as a misguided bully.

 

:grouphug:

[Cassy]

So this is someone you occassionally see but their opinion matter that much to you?

 

Yes.

[gardenmom5]

i don't do things for other people - so I wouldn't give a hoot about their opinion.

 

(I was reared to think my grandmother's opinion was the cat's meow - and I made many choices I felt were right that ticked her off. years later, I know my chioces were right.)

[fairfarmhand]

:grouphug:

No, you cannot change someone's mind. All you can do is what you do, and either they'll come around or they won't.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

this is hard to do though.

[Cassy]

i don't do things for other people - so I wouldn't give a hoot about their opinion.

 

(I was reared to think my grandmother's opinion was the cat's meow - and I made many choices I felt were right that ticked her off. years later, I know my chioces were right.)

 

Thank you, that's very reassuring :001_smile:. I'm fairly sure I'll feel the same sometime in the future, it's just a bit unsettling at the moment.

[Ruby Rose]

I think you should put it into perspective. This is Satan trying to steal and kill your joy and peace. Once you realize what is happening, you should be able to regain your peace and confidence.

 

WOW! I need to take my own advise on a situation in my own life!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Vent away...

 

But please, don't let that person have your peace of mind.

[shanvan]

Depending on how vocal this person is and how often and whether or not he/she (?) decided to do it around my kids, I would ...

 

1. Avoid his/her company completely until I am no longer reliving the comments and thinking up clever responses or,

 

2. I would actually bluntly tell the person that I cannot be around him/her anymore b/c of the constant lack of respect for me and my choices, not to mention the blatant undermining of my parenting (if the negative talk is going on in front of young children). However, should he/she choose to be more respectful, then I would be happy to share his/her company. Depending on what else is annoying me and whether or not I had sufficiently prayed about the situation enough, I might try to find a kinder gentler way to talk to the person, though; if a person is really disrespecting me, I find they don't usually listen to the kinder gentler me.

[Cassy]

I think you should put it into perspective. This is Satan trying to steal and kill your joy and peace. Once you realize what is happening, you should be able to regain your peace and confidence.

 

WOW! I need to take my own advise on a situation in my own life!

 

:lol: That is very effective! Humour certainly does help to get things into perspective, but sometimes it's hard not to just get bogged down.

[Cassy]

If that doesn't work go with it. Invite the person over. Put your feet up. Eat eat some chocolates. Drink some wine. All while homeschooling. Say "ah this IS the life". ;)

 

:lol: Well, I'd never actually do that, of course :lol:. Oh, but imagining doing it is so consoling :D.

[jewellsmommy]

If someone you knew who was quite close to your family, and whose company you might otherwise quite enjoy, took the view that your homeschooling was a totally unnecessary indulgence on your part, and damaging to your children, how would you deal with it?

 

Most people think our homeschool is wonderful, and DH often tells people that the boys have a better education than any amount of money could buy, but the opinion of this one person really gnaws away at my peace of mind. I can avoid the person in question, and on the rare occasions when I might see them it's relatively easy to avoid the topic of homeschooling. But it makes me feel cross, frustrated and disheartened on a daily basis.

 

Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it, but I'm not very good at denial :sad:. Part of me wants to convince them that their idealised view of schools and their distorted impressions of homeschooling are just not the reality. I know I can't control what someone else thinks. I guess I just have a strong need for approval.

 

I think this may have just turned into a vent, as I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore :001_unsure:.

 

 

:grouphug: You have already been given all the advise you need, but I wanted to say that I totally get where you are coming from. I am a a natural people pleaser. It's just my personality and because of that I always grew up thinking that if someone is really close to me and they disagree with the way I am or do something, then there was a major problem between us that must be fixed. I was fine with holding different opinions, but I felt that they had to understand where I was coming from. I could almost always say, "well, I have a different view on that matter, but I can see why you choose that." and mean it when I said it and respect where that person was coming from. I just wanted the same. If nothing else, respect me (and you should know me well...) enough to know that I make informed, thought out decisions rather you agree with them or not.

 

Now that I'm older (:lol: I'm wise at 32, ya know :tongue_smilie:) I realize that I ask too much of some people. Some are just hard headed, dumb as a box of rocks, or just heck bent on causing turmoil. I do not need zen like peace and understanding with them.

 

I am so sorry that you have to experience that. :grouphug: Just label them an idiot in your own mind, incapable of understanding simple truth, pity them and move on :D.

[DianeW88]

Why does this person's opinion of homeschooling matter so much to you?

[Cassy]

Why does this person's opinion of homeschooling matter so much to you?

 

OK, because they're a close relative and they think their opinion matters.

[dangermom]

You do not need to justify yourself to anyone. Your person is not going to agree with you on this no matter what you do (until 5-8 years from now, maybe, when they will see your amazing children and pretend it was their idea in the first place). All you need to do is smile and change the subject. If they keep pressing, you just say, "I know you don't agree with my decisions, but I'm doing my best for my family. We don't need to argue about this." And then change the subject.

 

Keep delivering the exact same line and then changing the subject. Eventually they'll get bored. But if you let yourself get drawn in to arguing or justifying yourself, you're just giving them the idea that they can win if they just try hard enough--it invites more arguing and attack. Be impenetrably and cheerfully immovable--never give a hint that they're getting under your skin.

 

Has no one mentioned passing the bean dip yet? I don't know the link.

 

Edit: Ha! Found it. Excellent advice here, written by our own Joanne.

Edited July 5, 2012 by dangermom

[thefragile7393]

I have a need for approval as well. With some things I have no need for anyone's approval, and hs'ing is one of them. I will never get the approval I want from the one person I want it from the most....so I gave up.

[Cassy]

I have a need for approval as well. With some things I have no need for anyone's approval, and hs'ing is one of them. I will never get the approval I want from the one person I want it from the most....so I gave up.

 

:grouphug:

[Ruby Rose]

:lol: That is very effective! Humour certainly does help to get things into perspective, but sometimes it's hard not to just get bogged down.

 

:confused: I'm missing what was funny.

[Cassy]

:confused: I'm missing what was funny.

 

Oh, I'm so sorry :blushing:. I thought it sounded funny. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, as I actually got a very vivid mental image of the person in question looking stereotypically demonic, with horns and a nasty sneer, as they tried to steal my joy and peace. I didn't mean to offend :sad:.

[TranquilMind]

:lol: That is very effective! Humour certainly does help to get things into perspective, but sometimes it's hard not to just get bogged down.

 

It really depends on who it is. If someone whom you don't frequently see, I'd just let it go, but if the person continues to bring it up, well...bring it on. I'd tell him/her exactly why I have chosen to do this and the results I have so far (or a friend has, if I'm not far along yet).

 

By the way, I realize I am a stranger and not a "friend", but my two kids have done phenomenally well and I was a pretty relaxed homeschooler who also did outside classes. There were days I just let them do creative and fun things all day long. Daughter was at the top of her high school class when she finally went into school. Both kids are in 99th percentile on standardized tests. I'm sure others here have similar stories, so you can say that after consulting with your board of advisors (us:D) you decided to give your kids opportunities that traditionally schooled kids do not always have, and that all choices are reviewable at any time, should you decide another path is better.

[clarkacademy]

If someone you knew who was quite close to your family, and whose company you might otherwise quite enjoy, took the view that your homeschooling was a totally unnecessary indulgence on your part, and damaging to your children, how would you deal with it?

 

I would stop thinking they are great friends for one!

 

Most people think our homeschool is wonderful, and DH often tells people that the boys have a better education than any amount of money could buy, but the opinion of this one person really gnaws away at my peace of mind. I can avoid the person in question, and on the rare occasions when I might see them it's relatively easy to avoid the topic of homeschooling. But it makes me feel cross, frustrated and disheartened on a daily basis.

 

Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it, but I'm not very good at denial :sad:. Part of me wants to convince them that their idealised view of schools and their distorted impressions of homeschooling are just not the reality. I know I can't control what someone else thinks. I guess I just have a strong need for approval.

 

I think this may have just turned into a vent, as I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore :001_unsure:.

 

You cannot change someone elses ideas and thoughts If you need aproval that much then that is a YOU thing. You need to feel sure in your choice and if you do then no one should be able to bother you about it. Who cares what another thinks? Be yourself and if they don't agree then find another friend who doesn't bring you down so much! :grouphug:

[DianeW88]

OK, because they're a close relative and they think their opinion matters.

 

But since this person is a "layman" as far as homeschooling goes, and has not done the research, read the materials, or studied anything of value pertaining to it, his opinion is incorrect, ill informed, and uneducated. He's just spouting off nonsense.

 

Therefore, take his opinion for what it's worth...nothing...and move on.

[Desert Strawberry]

I'm sure that s/he feels just as strongly in his/her opinion as you do in yours. You 2 can try to convince eachother until your last breath, but it will likely never happen.

 

Am I understanding that his/her opinion matters to you because s/he thinks it should? That's the only reason? I am absolutely convinced that everyone reading this should send me a check a minimum of $100. Pm me for my address.

[JVA]

When we were early in our hs journey, I DID care what my mom and mil thought about it. I tried to convince them it was a great idea in several ways to win them over. After a while, my dh simply asked me why I needed their approval. Wasn't our agreement and the peace we had that we were in the Lord's will ENOUGH? These statements (done in his kind and loving way) really made me stop and think. I realized we didn't need ANYONE'S approval nor their agreement. I was in my late 20's and early 30's at this time and looking back, it was part of me growing up and becoming more independent. That line of thinking has continued and now I'm in my 50's. What other people think doesn't make a lick of difference to me now- except my dh and usually, the kids. We hs 5 kids for 24 years and just had to grow a thicker skin and a duck's back. You'll get there! :grouphug:

[JVA]

But since this person is a "layman" as far as homeschooling goes, and has not done the research, read the materials, or studied anything of value pertaining to it, his opinion is incorrect, ill informed, and uneducated. He's just spouting off nonsense.

 

Therefore, take his opinion for what it's worth...nothing...and move on.

 

 

Hello. This :iagree:

[kroe1]

I really wish someone had banished my bogus, stereotypical opinions of homeschooling years and years ago. However, only you know if this person would benefit from a change of heart. Otherwise, it's a waste of your time.

 

:grouphug:

[Cassy]

Thank you everyone for talking some sense into me, you're all absolutely right, I shouldn't care what someone else thinks when I know we're doing the very best for our family. Sometimes though I feel a bit insecure about it all, especially as homeschooling isn't all that common here, and I don't actually know any other homeschoolers locally.

 

strawberrymama, while I'd love to send you a $100, you're not quite as close or strong an influence as this person is in my life :001_smile:.

 

Even though I have deliberately not seen as much of this person since we've started homeschooling, it doesn't mean that they don't exert quite some emotional pressure. The lady at our local store, on the other hand, I see every day, but really couldn't care at all what she thinks about homeschooling :tongue_smilie:.

 

I think I've just had a bad day, we still have another two weeks before we finish for the summer, there's an awful lot going on, and I feel tired :nopity:.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug::grouphug: I get you. It's a slow process of shrugging off pressure from others.

 

Have you seen this? (no. 10 in particular :) )

 

The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List, by Deborah Markus

 

1) Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is — and it is — it's insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

 

2) Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

 

3) Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

 

4) Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.

 

5) If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.

 

6) Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

 

7) We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.

 

8) Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.

 

9) Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.

 

10) We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.

 

11) Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.

 

12) If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

 

13) Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it's crowded and icky.

 

14) Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of education — and many of us prefer a more organic approach — we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

 

15) Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

 

16) Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.

 

17 ) Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.

 

18) If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

 

19 ) Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

 

20) Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.

 

21) Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.

 

22 ) Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.

 

23 ) Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.

 

24) Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.

 

25) Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

[mumto2]

Cassy, I really don't have any great advice just :grouphug:

 

I would quote Hedgehog's list but it is pretty long! I love it. I have never seen it before.

[Library Momma]

If someone you knew who was quite close to your family, and whose company you might otherwise quite enjoy, took the view that your homeschooling was a totally unnecessary indulgence on your part, and damaging to your children, how would you deal with it?

 

Most people think our homeschool is wonderful, and DH often tells people that the boys have a better education than any amount of money could buy, but the opinion of this one person really gnaws away at my peace of mind. I can avoid the person in question, and on the rare occasions when I might see them it's relatively easy to avoid the topic of homeschooling. But it makes me feel cross, frustrated and disheartened on a daily basis.

 

Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it, but I'm not very good at denial :sad:. Part of me wants to convince them that their idealised view of schools and their distorted impressions of homeschooling are just not the reality. I know I can't control what someone else thinks. I guess I just have a strong need for approval.

 

I think this may have just turned into a vent, as I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore :001_unsure:.

 

I agree that other people's opinions should not matter to you, but you state that your husband tells people your children's education is "better than any amount of money could buy." If someone said this about their kids and what they are doing is drastically different than what you do, wouldn't you get defensive too?

[JennyD]

Sorry that you're feeling blue. I couldn't agree more that this person's opinions about homeschooling simply do not and should not matter. However, as someone who is not really a people-pleaser, I find that on the extremely rare occasion that someone else's negative comments or opinions really 'get' to me, it is because I actually agree with some small part of what they said. Is it possible that that's what's going on here?

[Danestress]

OK, because they're a close relative and they think their opinion matters.

 

It is really easy to say you don't or should not care what people think. But in reality I have a hard time with that. I want everyone to generally think well of me - closer family members in particular. I would be distressed too, no matter how much I tried not to care. My advice is just to be aware of how much it bothers you and to try to just examine that as something interesting you feel instead of trying to make yourself feel differently. I guess I would try to take an emotionally detached interest in my own need to be admired and approved of. I feel for you though.

[Cassy]

Thank you to those who've reassured me that I'm not a complete and utter wimp for feeling the way I do :tongue_smilie:.

 

Hedgehog, that list is brilliant, thank you so much for taking the time to type it all out, I shall copy it and keep for all those times when I feel down.

 

I'm so glad I have you all to 'talk to', hearing all of the different views really has put things in perspective and has helped me feel a lot stronger.