Jeanne in MN Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive? In my Lutheran experience it is not tacky. When my parents died we gave the money to their church. When my bil died the money was a huge help to my sister, his widow. We also received mass cards (I think that's what they're called...they were pretty cards that specified that their names would be included in mass) and though not Catholic we really appreciated them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'd say no (I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this, to be honest). We've always tended to bring meals and/or flowers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I think it depends on the situation of the family left behind. If the death will cause a financial hardship, I think putting money in a card is one of the kindest things people can do at that point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Rose Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Depends on the situation. For a widow or widower, family who lost a child then yes. For a prepared family who is burying their only parent probably not. If the death creates a financial hardship, then yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomandlorih Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'd say no (I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this, to be honest). We've always tended to bring meals and/or flowers. :iagree: This is my experience as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Recently, my MIL died. She lived across the continent and in another country. I would have said that our expenses were minimal because my bil paid for the funeral and my husband used frequent flyer miles for travel. Several months after she died, I received a sympathy card in the mail from a Catholic friend and it had a check. This was quite a surprise to me as I had never heard of it. At first my reaction was to not cash it....not sure why. When I talked about it with my husband he said that we in fact had many hidden expenses that I had not thought of. All the long distance calls to her in her last few months, taxi cabs from the airport, extra food while travelling, he is executor so we will have return trips for him which we can drive but also now hotel bills because her apartment is emptied. I realized then that her gift identified and met a need just as any delivered meal or childcare offer would. She and I are not close enough for me to call her when I feel the loss profoundly (those times come randomly and sometimes I just need to chat with a friend) but she has offered a kindness to me through her gift. I understand the hesitation of making your sympathy thoughts about money but I really do appreciate my friend extending herself in such a practical way. It helps me to understand her gesture now that you mentioned that it is a common Catholic expression of support. My advice would be to send it if that is what feels right to you. The money will be helpful with any number of practical expenses. If she asks you about it it is easy enough to casually mention how common this practice is in your Catholic faith and that should put any discomfort that might be there aside. Bless you for being such a thoughtful friend whatever you decide on doing to be helpful. These things are remembered. ETA: I also wanted to mention that the words she wrote in the card were also a gift in and of themselves. Sending a thoughtfully written card is also a gift. Edited June 15, 2012 by Once Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 My father passed away last week. I haven't gotten one card with money in it. Had I, I would have been confused. To my knowledge Mom hasn't gotten one either. Rather we've had people bring us food, flowers, & kind words. And I confess, while each one was sweet & well meaning, & desperately needed. I nearly threw the flowers at the florist, instead I bawled my eyes out. I've honestly never heard of the money in the card thing. I have heard people request that instead of flowers you donate money to specific charities or something of that nature. Speaking from personal experience, the food was the nicest gift. I couldn't eat anything for three days without the need to be sick. The rest of the gang wasn't having the same problem. Knowing that there was a platter of fruit, a pan of pasta, or a few treats out there helped me not have to worry about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tressa Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I do. I am Lutheran and it is very common. It is memorial money, and it is given in the name of the one who has left us. Many times the family gives it back to the church, and the church purchases something in their name. Our church has many things with "given in memory of" plaques on them. It is a way to remember our loved ones. Other times, the family will do something else with it. A young widow used it to get on her feet. Another friend of mine set up a scholarship fund in her husband's name. There is no rule for how it should be used. I don't think giving money in a sympathy card is tacky at all. We still bring meals and help in other ways. Money is simply another way to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 It's common in my experience too. But many times the obituary might say something about preferences like "memorials preferred to Memorial Hospital Cancer Ward in lieu of flowers" (or to a church, hospice, or other non-profit). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I never heard of it, however when my mom passed away I received money and gift cards. The money went a long way to help with funeral costs (even though she had life insurance and a plot there were still expenses). The gift card was for a local restaurant, and was really appreciated when our lives were still not back to normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 This thread is surprising to me! It is very rare that I don't include money in a sympathy card. I really had no idea that it is not the norm elsewhere or even a certain denomonation thing. I am Lutheran, btw. I will also add that food is such a nice gift; I have given that many times as well. When my Grandma died, we had so much out of town company here and we gathered together as a family everyday, the entire week. People bringing food to my Mom's house (the main gathering place) was such a blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 If they say, "Donations in lieu of flowers" I sometimes do. But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care." I've never herd of including $ in a card-sounds like a denominational thing. This sounds like a perfect note to include if you do though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'd say no (I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this, to be honest). We've always tended to bring meals and/or flowers. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2samlibby Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 It's very common here to send money. (midwest) While flowers are pretty to look at, at the funeral, they don't last very long. I would rather just give the family money that they can use towards expenses that pop up after a loved one passes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 If they say, "Donations in lieu of flowers" I sometimes do. But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care." I had never heard of putting money in a sympathy card, but this sounds perfect, and I can definitely imagine that it would be put to good use. For people who are far away, it seems like the long distance equivalent of bringing a meal, just a different way to show your concern. I remember when my grandmother died, my parents ended up traveling with four children, with hotels, meals, etc., and I'm sure that added up, especially since it was an unexpected death. I'm sure any small monetary gift would have been appreciated; I will remember it for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I always put money in sympathy cards. My parents donated all of the money in the cards from my grandmother's death to the charity my grandmother chose for donations before her death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I have never heard of this. I have heard of making a donation to such and such a place. I wouldn't be offended but would think it was a thoughtful gesture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juliegmom Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I don't think this is a denominational thing. The planning, preparations and costs for funeral services can be overwhelming. Just reach out to them and go with your heart...prepare a meal for the family, give money to help with expenses or give a donation in their name. It really is the thought that counts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) I had never heard of doing that either. (I grew up w/ a Baptist background.) I'm glad to see the variety of responses & can see how a monetary donation would be lovely, whether used to help cover expenses or donated to a charity or church of the deceased. ETA: I like DawnM's wording to include if you do decide to include $ in w/ the card. Edited June 15, 2012 by Stacia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Thank you for your help!! One friend is Lutheran, one is Baptist. So one friend wouldn't be surprised, but the other might wonder, by the sounds of things. :) It's interesting reading everyone's thoughts and experiences! I know how to proceed now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 It's very common here to send money. (midwest) Very common in Hawaii too. The money is usually used to defray funeral expenses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive? No, this would be really weird to enclose money from a non-Catholic perspective (and I've been to more funerals than most people). No one has ever done this. People do sometimes give to causes the person espoused if they want to, by check to the organization, not money to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'd say no (I've honestly never heard of anyone doing this, to be honest). We've always tended to bring meals and/or flowers. Same here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I have never seen this done, but can see that it's common many places, and I think it's a much more useful gift than flowers. Is there an amount that is more common than others, or does this vary broadly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 No. No money. Please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 When my Catholic mother died, we received many Mass cards, but no actual cash. For an LDS funeral, it would not be the norm to send money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Lynn Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 When my FIL died my MIL received many cards with money. It was a small midwestern farm community. The amounts were small; $5 - $10 were pretty common with a larger gift every so often. My impression is that people know each other there and are very practical. No one is rich. They just help each other out in times of need and they recognize that one of those needs is financial. And I will add that $5 was a lot for some people to give with fixed incomes and very limited means. It touched us that so many people reached out in whatever way they could during those early days. Now having lived in a city for a while, my impression is that it is less common to include money in the cards in cities. We are still small town midwestern people at heart, so we are more likely to include a small amount of money to help cover costs or to add to a memorial, especially, if we are far away and can't help out in any other way. I agree with adding a little note that lets the person know what the money is for and about the heart behind it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizaG Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Looking at the pattern of responses, I'm guessing it's a regional Midwestern practice -- found among both Lutherans & Catholics -- so, maybe with German origins? It's not something I was familiar with before this thread, but it sounds like a thoughtful tradition. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 This is fascinating to me. I've never heard of such a thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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