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Money in sympathy cards-yes or no.


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Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive?

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Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive?

 

In my Lutheran experience it is not tacky. When my parents died we gave the money to their church. When my bil died the money was a huge help to my sister, his widow. We also received mass cards (I think that's what they're called...they were pretty cards that specified that their names would be included in mass) and though not Catholic we really appreciated them.

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Recently, my MIL died. She lived across the continent and in another country. I would have said that our expenses were minimal because my bil paid for the funeral and my husband used frequent flyer miles for travel.

 

Several months after she died, I received a sympathy card in the mail from a Catholic friend and it had a check. This was quite a surprise to me as I had never heard of it. At first my reaction was to not cash it....not sure why. When I talked about it with my husband he said that we in fact had many hidden expenses that I had not thought of. All the long distance calls to her in her last few months, taxi cabs from the airport, extra food while travelling, he is executor so we will have return trips for him which we can drive but also now hotel bills because her apartment is emptied. I realized then that her gift identified and met a need just as any delivered meal or childcare offer would. She and I are not close enough for me to call her when I feel the loss profoundly (those times come randomly and sometimes I just need to chat with a friend) but she has offered a kindness to me through her gift. I understand the hesitation of making your sympathy thoughts about money but I really do appreciate my friend extending herself in such a practical way.

 

It helps me to understand her gesture now that you mentioned that it is a common Catholic expression of support. My advice would be to send it if that is what feels right to you. The money will be helpful with any number of practical expenses. If she asks you about it it is easy enough to casually mention how common this practice is in your Catholic faith and that should put any discomfort that might be there aside.

 

Bless you for being such a thoughtful friend whatever you decide on doing to be helpful. These things are remembered.

 

ETA: I also wanted to mention that the words she wrote in the card were also a gift in and of themselves. Sending a thoughtfully written card is also a gift.

Edited by Once
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My father passed away last week. I haven't gotten one card with money in it. Had I, I would have been confused. To my knowledge Mom hasn't gotten one either.

 

Rather we've had people bring us food, flowers, & kind words. And I confess, while each one was sweet & well meaning, & desperately needed. I nearly threw the flowers at the florist, instead I bawled my eyes out.

 

I've honestly never heard of the money in the card thing. I have heard people request that instead of flowers you donate money to specific charities or something of that nature. Speaking from personal experience, the food was the nicest gift. I couldn't eat anything for three days without the need to be sick. The rest of the gang wasn't having the same problem. Knowing that there was a platter of fruit, a pan of pasta, or a few treats out there helped me not have to worry about it.

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I do. I am Lutheran and it is very common. It is memorial money, and it is given in the name of the one who has left us.

 

Many times the family gives it back to the church, and the church purchases something in their name. Our church has many things with "given in memory of" plaques on them. It is a way to remember our loved ones. Other times, the family will do something else with it. A young widow used it to get on her feet. Another friend of mine set up a scholarship fund in her husband's name. There is no rule for how it should be used.

 

I don't think giving money in a sympathy card is tacky at all. We still bring meals and help in other ways. Money is simply another way to help.

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It's common in my experience too. But many times the obituary might say something about preferences like "memorials preferred to Memorial Hospital Cancer Ward in lieu of flowers" (or to a church, hospice, or other non-profit).

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I never heard of it, however when my mom passed away I received money and gift cards. The money went a long way to help with funeral costs (even though she had life insurance and a plot there were still expenses). The gift card was for a local restaurant, and was really appreciated when our lives were still not back to normal.

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This thread is surprising to me! It is very rare that I don't include money in a sympathy card. I really had no idea that it is not the norm elsewhere or even a certain denomonation thing. I am Lutheran, btw.

 

I will also add that food is such a nice gift; I have given that many times as well. When my Grandma died, we had so much out of town company here and we gathered together as a family everyday, the entire week. People bringing food to my Mom's house (the main gathering place) was such a blessing.

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If they say, "Donations in lieu of flowers" I sometimes do. But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care."

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But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care."

 

I've never herd of including $ in a card-sounds like a denominational thing. This sounds like a perfect note to include if you do though.

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If they say, "Donations in lieu of flowers" I sometimes do. But I have also sent a little check saying, "I know there are many expenses during this time, please take this as a gift to use as you need and know we care."

 

I had never heard of putting money in a sympathy card, but this sounds perfect, and I can definitely imagine that it would be put to good use. For people who are far away, it seems like the long distance equivalent of bringing a meal, just a different way to show your concern. I remember when my grandmother died, my parents ended up traveling with four children, with hotels, meals, etc., and I'm sure that added up, especially since it was an unexpected death. I'm sure any small monetary gift would have been appreciated; I will remember it for the future.

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I don't think this is a denominational thing. The planning, preparations and costs for funeral services can be overwhelming. Just reach out to them and go with your heart...prepare a meal for the family, give money to help with expenses or give a donation in their name. It really is the thought that counts.

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I had never heard of doing that either. (I grew up w/ a Baptist background.)

 

I'm glad to see the variety of responses & can see how a monetary donation would be lovely, whether used to help cover expenses or donated to a charity or church of the deceased.

 

ETA: I like DawnM's wording to include if you do decide to include $ in w/ the card.

Edited by Stacia
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Growing up Catholic people often put money in sympathy cards for a mass to be said in honor of the deceased. I have protestant friends who have lost loved ones and I don't know whether to add money to the cards or not. I googled and found some people saying it's tacky and others saying it helps with funeral expenses. What says the hive?

No, this would be really weird to enclose money from a non-Catholic perspective (and I've been to more funerals than most people). No one has ever done this. People do sometimes give to causes the person espoused if they want to, by check to the organization, not money to the family.

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When my FIL died my MIL received many cards with money. It was a small midwestern farm community. The amounts were small; $5 - $10 were pretty common with a larger gift every so often. My impression is that people know each other there and are very practical. No one is rich. They just help each other out in times of need and they recognize that one of those needs is financial. And I will add that $5 was a lot for some people to give with fixed incomes and very limited means. It touched us that so many people reached out in whatever way they could during those early days.

 

Now having lived in a city for a while, my impression is that it is less common to include money in the cards in cities. We are still small town midwestern people at heart, so we are more likely to include a small amount of money to help cover costs or to add to a memorial, especially, if we are far away and can't help out in any other way. I agree with adding a little note that lets the person know what the money is for and about the heart behind it.

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Looking at the pattern of responses, I'm guessing it's a regional Midwestern practice -- found among both Lutherans & Catholics -- so, maybe with German origins?

 

It's not something I was familiar with before this thread, but it sounds like a thoughtful tradition. :)

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