How to get kids to fake excitement about something?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My MIL frequently gets the kids things that they either already have or that hold no interest to them. It might help if she actually got to know the kids a little, but that seems to be beyond her capabilities.

 

I have trained my kids to politely say thank you for ALL gifts, and never to say aloud "I already have this!" when opening a gift. So, they do this when getting a gift from Grandmother. However, she gets miffed if they don't act excited and extremely interested in her gifts. This weekend, she brought them D'Aulaire's Book of Greek Myths and a little pocket field guide to rocks and minerals. That makes our third copy of D'Aulaires. (I've already given away one of the copies.) We studied earth science last year, and have several books on rocks and minerals, including a couple of pocket guides that are very similar to the one she got them. So, they said thank you, and put the books down without really looking at them- which, apparently, made her upset. I was at a scrapbooking weekend, so I didn't witness what they did, but was told about it by dh. They weren't rude, just didn't seem overly interested (since they've already read all of D'Aulaires and looked at a dozen books on rocks and minerals last year.:tongue_smilie:)

 

They are 7 (almost 8) and 9. Do you think I should start teaching them to ACT excited when Grandmother gives them something they already have? If she would bother to ask me or her son what they want or like, then maybe she could get a genuine reaction from them, but since that isn't happening, should I have my kids feign enthusiasm?

 

Before you ask, she pretty much buys these gifts from estate sales or garage sales or flea markets. So, it's not like they come with a gift receipt or can be easily exchanged. On one occasion, I mentioned that they already had whatever it was, and she got mad, grabbed the gift back, and stormed out. So, can't do that. :glare:

 

She did ask me one year for Chanukah if the kids needed anything. I told her they could use some nice shirts to wear to religious school or out to dinner. She gave them T shirts with a big skull and crossbones on the front. :confused:

 

This is the same lady who told me "the help" raised her children, so I really try not to engage her in conversation at all because everything that comes out of her mouth gets under my skin. For dh's sake (he cannot see how awful she is), I'd like the kids to get along with her. But, since she doesn't really bother to ask them about things, I'm at a loss about how to go about this.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My kids struggle with our inlaw gifts. We rarely see them. They never call us. Have no interest in us. And why they show up with gifts is beyond me. But this past January they showed up with gifts to 'cover all holidays'. :001_huh:

 

Ds got a car thing he got when he was 4 from someone else. We have given it away. He commented about having one in the past. I added that it broke and how nice to have another. :lol: He got the hint and set it up to play with it.

 

Dd got some junk stuff. She also graciously opened it and got a doll to put the doll clothes on.

 

So keep walking through expectations with your kids. They will get it. :tongue_smilie:

 

But honestly, if we already had a book my kids would have said something. Like how awesome it is. And I think kids should be able to say, we have this. If your MIL gets offended simply have someone speak up to say next time call and ask about books.

 

It was thoughtful. I would prefer duplicate book copies over dollar store junk. So try to see she was thinking of the kids. And since you have it already she was on the right idea. :grouphug: As for her getting mad...that's her issue. Ask if they could exchange it for another book and if not, say, the more copies the better :lol:

[Alice]

Maybe teach them to say something nice, beyond just a polite thank you. I think faking excitement might come across as fake or be unfair to them. But they could say something like "Thanks so much! I've always been interested in Greek myths. We'll enjoy reading this later." or "Thanks! This will help us identify rocks on our nature walks." Or whatever, just something a little beyond the minimal polite thank you.

 

And if she's still insulted, you can't be completely responsible for someone else's feelings. She may just be someone that chooses to take things the wrong way.

[Princess Peach]

I don't think you should have your kids do anything different than what they are already doing. This grandmother will never be satisfied. The problem does not lie (or is it lay??) with your children. ;)

[Farrar]

I don't think you should have your kids do anything different than what they are already doing. This grandmother will never be satisfied. The problem does not lie (or is it lay??) with your children. ;)

 

:iagree: Exactly what I was thinking.

[J-rap]

Tell them that every time they open up a present from Grandma, you will take them out for ice cream afterward. Then, when they open her presents, they'll be thinking about the ice cream and have big smiles on their faces. :)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Tell them that every time they open up a present from Grandma, you will take them out for ice cream afterward. Then, when they open her presents, they'll be thinking about the ice cream and have big smiles on their faces. :)

 

Oooo, I like that plan!

[Ellie]

It is good to teach children how to behave politely in all circumstances, including those in which they receive gifts they don't love. It really is the thought that counts. So they must learn to smile their sweetest smiles, and say, "Oh, thank you so much!" and hug their grandmother's neck, and even to actually take some time to look through and handle the gift, even if it's one they already have. :-)

 

They are not required to keep the gifts, of course. After their grandmother leaves, they may donate their gifts to worthy causes or whatever. It is not rude to do this. :-)

[Amy in NH]

I would not have them lie about their emotions. A polite thank you should be enough.

 

I think I would have a conversation with MIL about gifts, though. Perhaps you could let her know that you have a lot of books, and she should check with you before picking up any particular title. Perhaps you could let her know, for instance, ds1 has been really asking for _, so if she sees one when she's out yard-sale-ing he would be so happy to get that from her for his birthday... Or, pick some stuff you know the boys would like and send it out to the relatives on an Amazon wish list.

[Amy in NH]

I would not have them lie about their emotions. A polite thank you should be enough.

 

I think I would have a conversation with MIL about gifts, though. Perhaps you could let her know that you have a lot of books, and she should check with you before picking up any particular title. Perhaps you could let her know, for instance, ds1 has been really asking for _, so if she sees one when she's out yard-sale-ing he would be so happy to get that from her for his birthday... Or, pick some stuff you know the boys would like and send it out to the relatives on an Amazon wish list.

[TrulySusan]

We have been known to practice opening gifts before a big occasion. It's a lot of fun and laughs and helps the kids know how to be polite/enthusiastic about less than perfect gifts. What we do: take turns "wrapping" in old gift bags various items from around the house. It may be a toy (practicing receiving something you already have), old socks (practicing for something you don't want), or the truly bizarre. The opener has to think of something nice-beyond thanks-to say about the gift. "I love rock books" "You can never have enough socks"...

[Parrothead]

I don't think you should have your kids do anything different than what they are already doing. This grandmother will never be satisfied. The problem does not lie (or is it lay??) with your children. ;)

:iagree:It isn't something you can fix. I wouldn't have the children lie to her. Just tell her continuously that the kids already have whatever. If she storms out every time she will either stop buying crap or get more creative in her purchases and possibly buy something useful.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Your children were polite and she got mad; she's the one with not so nice manners.

 

I don't think you should have your kids do anything different than what they are already doing. This grandmother will never be satisfied. The problem does not lie (or is it lay??) with your children. ;)

[Rebel Yell]

I don't think you should have your kids do anything different than what they are already doing. This grandmother will never be satisfied. The problem does not lie (or is it lay??) with your children. ;)

 

 

:iagree: I might add, teach the children to open the book and point out something good about it- "Perseus is my favorite story!" or "We studied rocks last year, but let's see if this book has anything in it that we missed!"

 

We have a beloved granny who means well, and truly loves shopping for and giving gifts. I always pray for gift receipts. :rolleyes: My girls are well trained to NEVER remove tags until after she leaves. :D But we have learned to say things like "Blue is my favorite color!" or something that is true about the gift. A favorite: "How pretty! I don't have any brown shirts!" (It WAS pretty, and I don't have any brown shirts... because I hate brown and will not wear it.)

 

And I have no problem with returning/exchanging/regifting/donating gifts that we cannot or will not use. I do get a replacement for a child if the gift is truly unuseable- for example, a shirt that does not fit (size or tastes) and can't be exchanged- it might be a new shirt or a $5 spree on 99cent day at the thrift shop.

[myfunnybunch]

I think a polite, "Thanks, Grandma!" with a smile and a hug (or whatever you do in your family) are sufficient.

 

If it's not enough for her, that's her problem.

 

I would, however, give MIL credit for trying. It sounds like she knows pays attention to your studies and wants to be supportive. (I also agree with the PP who suggested talking gently to your MIL about checking with you before buying.) I do give an enthusiastic thanks for gifts I already own, or which aren't quite "me" because I genuinely appreciate that the other person was thoughtful enough to give me a gift. I would not ask the children to fake enthusiasm, but I might talk to them a little about how lovely it is that their grandmother thinks of them, and that when they say "Thank you," they're really thanking her because she wanted to make them happy. :)

 

Cat

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would, however, give MIL credit for trying. It sounds like she knows pays attention to your studies and wants to be supportive. (I also agree with the PP who suggested talking gently to your MIL about checking with you before buying.) I do give an enthusiastic thanks for gifts I already own, or which aren't quite "me" because I genuinely appreciate that the other person was thoughtful enough to give me a gift. I would not ask the children to fake enthusiasm, but I might talk to them a little about how lovely it is that their grandmother thinks of them, and that when they say "Thank you," they're really thanking her because she wanted to make them happy. :)

 

Cat

 

This is the part I agree with. She is not exactly supportive of homeschooling, but she does seem to try to buy them things which are educational. Like, she bought them a copy of a children's version of the King Arthur story, of which we already had 3 different versions. I know she is trying. I don't have that kind of rapport with her where I can say to her, "Hey, MIL, since we have so many books, why don't you give me a call before you buy them for the kids?" Our relationship has always been strained. She's a very stand-offish person. I think she would shudder if my kids gave her a big hug and kiss. I'm surprised she let dh's father near her long enough to give her three children. I'm thinking she was one of those "think of England" types. :lol::lol: I'm so evil. :tongue_smilie:

[PrairieSong]

I agree with those who said the problem does not lie with your kids, but with your MIL. Could you possibly suggest some kind of gift certificates? Maybe for ice cream or McD's or somewhere they like to go? How about a zoo pass or some other experience-type gift? That way you never have to worry about already having one.

[tristangrace]

No, I wouldn't have the kids lie or fake it. And I would congratulate them on a job well done in following through with your guidance on how to politely receive gifts. And I would not assume responsibility for your MIL's emotions.

 

However. I probably would take things a step further with my kids and instruct them on how to express themselves kindly, even warmly, in complicated situations without losing their integrity. This is actually a very important life skill, and it's not easy to master. Graciously receiving gifts from Grandma that you don't like is just one such situation. Meeting a good friend's ugly baby for the first time is another. Turning down a date with a nice guy friend you're just not interested in is another. Answering your boss when he asks what you think of the hideous painting he just hung in his office is another.

 

In each case, you don't want or need to lie . . . but it's also true that your bluntest assessment is probably not the most important thing about the interaction. Some folks want to know if their gift is a hit or not. Others really don't . . . in which case I find something positive about the thing itself to comment on, express that as warmly as I authentically can, and then move on to affirming the giver and/or the relationship instead as warmly as I authentically can.

 

"Grandma, how clever of you to guess how much we enjoy reading mythology! Thanks so much for thinking of us and remembering our special interests!"

 

"What a precious, precious baby! You must be so proud! I'm so happy for you! How are you feeling post-delivery?"

 

"Wow, Mr. Hardnose, that is one colorful painting--it really commands attention here. I think it's fabulous to support local artists. Where did you find this piece? What drew you to it?"

[PeacefulChaos]

Just make sure that one day, when they are teenagers and actually open a gift they DID want and are excited about, the don't say, "Yes! I don't even have to pretend to like it!" :lol:

Not that I know anyone who did that...:leaving: :lol:

[myfunnybunch]

I'm surprised she let dh's father near her long enough to give her three children. I'm thinking she was one of those "think of England" types. :lol::lol: I'm so evil. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

It may be if she's not comfortable with physical affection, she's trying to express herself through stuff, and that's why she's disappointed when they don't jump up and down.

 

:grouphug: I think you're very gracious. Sometimes we just have to let people be who they are and do the best we can. :)

 

Cat

[Bassoonaroo]

Confession: Haven't read most of the replies.

 

We have similar issues mixed in with a kid that is very black and white and doesn't fake things well.

 

So, we actually practice things with a game. I preface it with "I have some wonderful gifts for you." They know what's coming -- something awful and usually a bit inappropriate. They open a (recycled) gift bag only to find an old sponge (or an ugly doll or a baby board book). They are to smile, say thank you with the person's name and then something nice about the object that is not a lie.

 

"Thank you, Aunt Hilda, for the sponge. This will really come in handy in the kitchen."

 

They also know to not say if they already have one. And they know to be quiet while sibling opens gifts "Sally already has three ponies just like that one!" If you get a duplicate, then it's easier to come up with a good point because you already know it, "Wow, I really like the rainbow heart on the pony's rump!"

 

Put some odd things in old gift bags and play the game. It is scripted but it does work. Most items have something good to say such as "I like the color" or "Now I can throw out my old crayons -- these are all sharp and smell good!" Whatever.

 

It is tough, but it's good manners.

[HayesW]

Sounds to me like she DID buy things they were interested in. She listened to you and to them talk about ,mythology and earth science and bought them gifts accordingly.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Sounds to me like she DID buy things they were interested in. She listened to you and to them talk about ,mythology and earth science and bought them gifts accordingly.

 

Not exactly. She doesn't really converse with any of us. She's never asked them what they're learning about in school. She's never asked them what they like. She doesn't really hug them, and gives them air kisses. When we go to her house, she stays in the kitchen the whole time. When I ask her if I can help, she says no. The kids run off to her guest bedroom where she has a box of old toys under the bed, and there's no real interaction.

 

This is in stark contrast to how my mom and dh's stepmom interact with the kids. Both of them are demonstrative in their affections. Both of them ask the boys about their lives and interests. My mom has even sat through all of the Star Wars movies with them so that she understands what the heck they are talking about half the time. Both of them ask the kids directly what they would like to receive as gifts. With MIL, I think she just tries to buy them things she deems educational, thinking that we will like them. Which we generally do, and is the reason we already own them. I know she is trying. That's why I'd like the kids to be a little more enthusiastic.

[JessReplanted]

Do you think I should start teaching them to ACT excited when Grandmother gives them something they already have?

 

No. The problem is not with your kids, it's with the grandmother. :glare:

[Julie in CA]

I don't think grandma's gifts are the problem.

 

I would absolutely *NOT* teach my children to fake enthusiasm or thankfulness. I would, however, teach them how to find *sincere* enthusiasm or thankfulness for whatever situation or gift they've received. My dc know that if they receive a book that they already have, they can still be super-duper excited about receiving another, because now they'll be able to share their old one with a friend. They are genuinely happy about that idea, it shows, and they're not faking it.

 

I would never teach them to lie, but I do teach them the abundant joy that can be found in receiving a great gift, even if it's one you already have.

 

I'm just amazed that your mil would give such thoughtful gifts! The fact that your dc already own so many of the wonderful books that their grandma gives them isn't a poor reflection on grandma or the appropriateness of her gifts. It sounds like she's getting just the right things, and the things they enjoy. The kids just seem to already own a lot of good things. That's more a reflection on how much they're already routinely given than about grandma doing a good job picking gifts.

 

If your dc already have a lot of books/stuff (and it sounds like they probably do, or how would so many of grandma's gifts be duplicates?) perhaps you could suggest to her another fun, educational, and appropriate gift, which sounds like what she's trying to give. Perhaps a zoo membership, or some other fun activity? :001_smile:

Edited May 11, 2012 by Julie in CA

[Spryte]

So, we actually practice things with a game. I preface it with "I have some wonderful gifts for you." They know what's coming -- something awful and usually a bit inappropriate. They open a (recycled) gift bag only to find an old sponge (or an ugly doll or a baby board book). They are to smile, say thank you with the person's name and then something nice about the object that is not a lie.

 

"Thank you, Aunt Hilda, for the sponge. This will really come in handy in the kitchen."

 

They also know to not say if they already have one. And they know to be quiet while sibling opens gifts "Sally already has three ponies just like that one!" If you get a duplicate, then it's easier to come up with a good point because you already know it, "Wow, I really like the rainbow heart on the pony's rump!"

 

Put some odd things in old gift bags and play the game. It is scripted but it does work. Most items have something good to say such as "I like the color" or "Now I can throw out my old crayons -- these are all sharp and smell good!" Whatever.

 

 

We play this game, too. It's actually a lot of fun.

 

One small note... Last year we played it before the holidays, just before a party. At the party, DS received a gift he already owned... He behaved perfectly - the game paid off. *Until* he ran up to me, and announced that he'd done it "just right!" and, look, he got this Lego kit he already has at home! It got a lot of laughs, and he still got kudos for great manners. :)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't think grandma's gifts are the problem.

 

I would absolutely *NOT* teach my children to fake enthusiasm or thankfulness. I would, however, teach them how to find *sincere* enthusiasm or thankfulness for whatever situation or gift they've received. My dc know that if they receive a book that they already have, they can still be super-duper excited about receiving another, because now they'll be able to share their old one with a friend. They are genuinely happy about that idea, it shows, and they're not faking it.

 

I would never teach them to lie, but I do teach them the abundant joy that can be found in receiving a great gift, even if it's one you already have.

 

I'm just amazed that your mil would give such thoughtful gifts! The fact that your dc already own so many of the wonderful books that their grandma gives them isn't a poor reflection on grandma or the appropriateness of her gifts. It sounds like she's getting just the right things, and the things they enjoy. The kids just seem to already own a lot of good things. That's more a reflection on how much they're already routinely given than about grandma doing a good job picking gifts.

 

If your dc already have a lot of books/stuff (and it sounds like they probably do, or how would so many of grandma's gifts be duplicates?) perhaps you could suggest to her another fun, educational, and appropriate gift, which sounds like what she's trying to give. Perhaps a zoo membership, or some other fun activity? :001_smile:

 

 

This is a really great response. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I really do think she's trying to get them good stuff. I would love for my kids to be genuinely happy about a gift from this grandmother like they are with gifts from the other grandmas. You're right. My kids have an abundance of things. I don't think they appreciate just how lucky they are, even though I've tried to impress this upon them by having them participate in acts of service. Dh and I both have huge families and lots of friends who feel it is necessary to give my kids gifts for the slightest occasion. They don't seem naturally selfless enough at this point to be genuinely happy about giving something of theirs away because now they have a duplicate. Every holiday season, I make them load up a bag of stuff to give away, and they are very reluctant to give up much of anything. I have to force some of the items. For crying out loud, my sister had a boy from Haiti living with her for reconstructive surgery to his face due to severe injury from the earthquake. We showed the kids pictures of where this boy had lived and they saw his face and saw how exuberantly happy he was to get anything. None of that registered too deeply for my kids. One is an aspie, so he's a little self absorbed anyway, and the other one isn't naturally very sympathetic.

 

I am so much the opposite of this. I am truly appreciative of someone giving me a thoughtful gift. I gladly give things away, even if it's my only one, if someone else likes it or wants it. Dh is like this, too. I don't know where these kids come from! :D

 

But, MIL is also very difficult to talk to. In fact, I try to avoid speaking to her as much as possible. She pretty much disagrees with everything I say or do. And she has been very snotty and rude to me in the past. She gave dh a compliment about my teaching of the boys a few months ago, and I was bowled over. She's only ever asked me the one time what she should get for the boys, so I don't really know how to bring up suggestions for gifts with her. She doesn't necessarily give them gifts for their birthdays or Chanukah, either. She just brings over a gift when she finds something for them.

[gardenmom5]

It sounds like she's trying.

I would suggesting having "acting excited" lessons. It's a step beyond "saying thank you". like a practice opening gifts and showing enthusiasm. Make a game of it. It will also serve them well in many walks of life.