I Need Input Please: ADULT Bullying DD on FB

[nono]

I THINK Molly could delete her own comment on the friends page/picture. The Mom's comments would remain, but the original comment would be gone.

 

.

 

Yep. My thoughts. Leaves the adult out there boxing with the wind!

 

 

:grouphug: to you and your dd Astrid.

[Rivka]

I don't think Molly should delete her comment. If she does, and only the mother's comment calling her out by name remains, bystanders could get the impression that Molly really did say something awful.

 

I think Molly should address it with the girl she's closer to. "Hey, is everything okay between us? I have no idea why your aunt made that comment. I'm so glad you and your cousin are friends again."

 

But I also think that you - or maybe it would be better coming from your husband - should call Crazy.

 

"I saw your comments about Molly on Facebook, and it sounds like there's something going on that needs to be resolved between adults, in private."

 

And yes, you can block her even though she's not Molly's friend. Do it.

[Tarreymere]

Cluster B personality disorder. That mom has it.

[Kathryn]

Normally I have a Do Not Engage policy, but could your daughter post:

 

"I meant it sincerely, not sarcastically, when I said 'Oh! Great!' I'm happy to see A and M hanging out again."

 

The mom will either back peddle/apologize OR launch into a weird rant. You'll know from her response if she's just not quite bright or if she really is full-out crazy mean. I can't tell from the original post if she's actually a "cyber bully" or just a moron who thinks she's pulling off the mama bear act.

 

Aree. I think she should clarify that her comment was sincere, not sarcastic..

 

I was wondering about that too--crazy mom seems to have gotten the impression from someone that Molly had her finger in the issue somehow. Crazy mom might just be crazy, but you might want to warn Molly to be careful around A and M, because it seems like maybe one of them might have been lying about Molly/her involvement in the whole thing. Prepare her that there's a chance one of them (or both) may be making her the scapegoat in the whole mess. That would explain crazy mom's actions (wouldn't excuse them, though.)

 

Or maybe crazy mom is just crazy!

 

It sounds like someone in the relationship has told the mom that your DD is responsible for their break up. So, that someone isn't really DD's friend. I'd avoid the whole mess of them, de-friend both girls and stay far away. Whatever kind of crazy is going on, your DD doesn't need to be sucked any farther into it. Let them say what they want, gossip to their heart's content and just don't view it. :grouphug:

 

but I also agree here. Someone or both girls have scapegoated your daughter in all this. The mom may be crazy, but she didn't decide on her own that your daughter was a "mean girl."

 

I might have Molly talk personally with the one she's better friends with, and feel out the situation. If its going to be drama-filled, I'd extricate myself from the friendships.

[Word Nerd]

Lawyer. Make a fast stand against an adult doing this to a child.

 

Why would a lawyer be needed to handle a woman calling a kid a mean girl in a Facebook comment?

[Lisa R.]

You need to report the post to FB as harassment. The post should be taken down shortly. Doesn't matter if it's on someone else's wall.

 

DD wrote a post on someone else's wall a few weeks ago. It was followed up by a very rude post by someone else. She immediately reported the post as harassment, and the post disappeared quickly. The post was nowhere near as rude as Crazy Mom's.

 

Don't talk to Crazy Mom. You won't get anywhere. I'd have your dd avoid M and A for awhile as it's possible they gave Crazy Mom some bad information. I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what happened, though. When people are irrational, it's fruitless trying to figure it all out.

[NanceXToo]

I think you should have Molly send a private message to the woman saying, "You misinterpreted the "Oh! Great!" comment I left on so and so's facebook page. You made an assumption that I was being sarcastic, when I was actually being sincere. I am happy they are friends again. I never had a problem with either of them and I'm glad they've resolved their issues. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would delete the negative comments you made about me on her page. They were hurtful and unnecessary."

 

Coming from a kid this may just shame her into feeling like an idiot and deleting the comments, as opposed to coming from the kid's parents and making her feel like she needs to get stubborn and confrontational.

 

After they were deleted, I would block her. As others have said, you don't need to be friends with someone to block them. Then you guys never have to see anything this woman says and this woman can never see anything your daughter posts. If she refuses to delete them or just doesn't do it/respond, you can always contact Facebook and explain that an adult made those comments about a kid and you want them deleted.

 

She might also want to privately contact the girls and without saying anything negative about the woman she can just matter of factly mention, "I just wanted to let you know that when I said "Oh! Great!" on so and so's facebook page, I meant it sincerely- I am glad you two are friends again. I just wanted to make sure you understood this since I saw that so-and-so misinterpreted it as me being sarcastic when I wasn't."

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

:iagree:

[Jennifer3141]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

But I'd report the comments to FB first and make it clear this is an adult harrassing a child.

 

And a lawyer?!?! For someone calling your DD, "mean?" Why not a shotgun? Cannon? Nuclear bomb! :glare:

[Candid]

Double Post, forgive me!

Edited April 26, 2012 by Candid

[Cera]

I would have your daughter ask her friend (in person) what her mom's comment meant. She will either get an explanation or not but either way wil wind up knowing where she stands with the girl.

[Candid]

I THINK Molly could delete her own comment on the friends page/picture. The Mom's comments would remain, but the original comment would be gone.

 

I think I'd do this, then block mom as pp's mentioned. Then slowly detach myself from this entire friend triangle. Gentle, but firm, extraction. If the mom is fired up, the girls are likely feeding her something to fuel the fire. Molly can't win here. She just needs to safely exit.

 

This is what my gut says I'd do.

 

:iagree:

 

Alternately if Molly really wants to keep the friendship, get the girl that Molly is good friends with and her mom over for a discussion about what is going on. Don't engage crazy mom.

 

However, I don't know how close she feels to the one girl (who I assume is not the dd of crazy woman).

 

Sending private messages or trying to engage nutty mom in any way is not good. But a talk with the other mom and girl might be smart. I think I'd start with the other girl's mom. If you get coldness there then I'd go with us4jones. These folks are related in someway right? Even if they don't believe the relative or think she is over the top they may feel forced to ignore and go along with crazy mom to keep family peace.

[sassenach]

1) block the mom. No, it won't take the posts down, but it will make Molly invisible to the mom on FB. She won't be able to see any posts by Molly, pictures, profile, nada.

 

2) I think Molly should post a simple response. You've gotten some great suggestions above. Mom won't even be able to see it (after being blocked), but the rest of the world will.

 

3) Molly needs to call her friends and figure out what the heck is going on. Sometimes an innocent bystander gets thrown under the bus when teenage girls try to reconcile. Human sacrifice to the god of Mean Girl. I hope that's not the case.

 

ETA: I would probably also have Molly delete her original comment, and just like the picture instead.

[BigMamaBird]

Block that crazy woman. That way your dd won't see anything from her and she won't see anything from your dd, they simply "won't exist" to each other. That way she can still talk to her friend without this nutjob butting in.

 

It's so sad that a grown woman would act like that.

 

Just let your dd know that a majority of people are smart enough to know that her crazy comments speak volumes about her character and do not reflect badly on your dd. It's very hurtful to be negatively misunderstood. I'd bet you that most people know how insane that woman is already.

[elegantlion]

Ugh, how awful and petty!

 

I would have Molly clarify like others have said and leave it. Maybe bring it up to the girls?

 

Oh, great can be misconstrued as being sarcastic, once Molly clarifies then this woman will be the one looking like an idiot.

 

She or her dd obviously have something against your dd, probably jealousy.

 

Imagine if that were posted here. People would jump on the comment "Oh great" because it can easily be a roll your eyes Oh Great. Then the person would come back and apologize and clarify and then the people who are bored, want to argue, or are truly unsocialized continue to debate the intent of the comment for 20 pages until a banning and thread deletion happen. The fact it's an adult jumping on a teen is out of line.

[TranquilMind]

But I'd report the comments to FB first and make it clear this is an adult harrassing a child.

 

And a lawyer?!?! For someone calling your DD, "mean?" Why not a shotgun? Cannon? Nuclear bomb! :glare:

Laughing. Yeah, lawyering up is a bit on the overkill side.

 

Nuclear bomb... haha

[Word Nerd]

I would have DD leave the original comment up and calmly clarify below that it was genuine, not sarcastic. I would leave it up to her to decide if she wants to contact her friends and find out what's going on and why she is being blamed for their interpersonal struggles. I would not fight a drama queen by being a drama queen and blowing a single incident out of proportion.

[kalanamak]

I THINK Molly could delete her own comment on the friends page/picture. The Mom's comments would remain, but the original comment would be gone.

 

I think I'd do this, then block mom as pp's mentioned. Then slowly detach myself from this entire friend triangle. Gentle, but firm, extraction. If the mom is fired up, the girls are likely feeding her something to fuel the fire. Molly can't win here. She just needs to safely exit.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[kalanamak]

Cluster B personality disorder. That mom has it.

 

I wouldn't call or talk to mom. She is UN reasonable and you cannot expect her to become reasonable. I would let the whole thing drop. A and M have a bitter feud and then kiss and make up on fb. Teenage emotionality or the beginnings of a life like mom? Only time will tell.

[kalanamak]

And no, I don't think confronting her would get us anywhere--- any adult who would do this is clearly going to be defensive at best and positively unhinged at worst. I'm afraid it might make things worse for Molly.

 

astrid

 

Molly ought to be prepared for the idea that A and M "kissed and made up" by blaming an outside force for their stupidity: Molly. And that they will not treat her with the bitter unnamed, unexplained war. That mom's post may be unrelated to the girl's feelings, but it might not be.

 

:grouphug:

[Marianne in TX]

Have Molly post "I was being sincere. I am glad A and M are friends again. Friends are good things to have."

 

And if Mrs Nutcase goes nutty again, block her if you can. If she's already avoiding you IRL, don't go out of your way to interrupt that. What a git.

 

Rosie

 

This is what I was thinking, too. The mom definitely overreacted, and behaved extremely inappropriately....but it sounds like she thought your dd was saying "oh, great" sarcastically. I would even go so far as to help my dd add something like -- "I'm so sorry! It looks like you might think I was being snarky when I said "oh, great", but I was being totally sincere. I really AM happy for them." -- to Rosie's brilliant suggestion.:)

 

Is it possible that this mom could be getting bad information about your dd from one of the other girls? Or is she possibly over-involved in the relationship between those two girls and sees your dd as an obstacle?

 

I'm sorry you two are dealing with this.:grouphug: I would have a difficult time seeing straight if an adult treated my sweet dd that way. Grrr.

 

ETA: Should have finished reading the thread : P

Edited April 26, 2012 by Marianne in TX

[Hannah C.]

:grouphug: to your DD!

 

If I was her, I would post a clarifying comment which includes the fact that she's utterly confused about where the mom got this stuff. I would report Crazy Mom's comments to Facebook for harassment. I would *NOT* engage the mom in PM, that could only lead to more trouble IMHO. After a few days, I would quietly block mom.

 

I would be cautious around A and M, especially the one whose mother is Crazy Mom. I might talk to the not-crazy mom and her DD about it later on. If I found out that A and M were saying bad things about me, I would distance myself from them rapidly. IME confrontation only leads to tears and doesn't do much good at this age.

[4everHis]

Delete and block. Move on.

 

:iagree: Don't engage.

[Scarlett]

I read the entire thread before replying...

 

I agree with Rosie that Molly should post a clarification of her intent.

 

I would not delete original comment because it might make it seem like there was actually something rude in Mollly's post.

 

I would block the Aunt/Mom and try not to worry about such a weird adult

 

I would watch these two girls VERY carefully because I fear they have somehow blamed Molly for their fall out.

[astrid]

Okay--- here's how we handled it:

 

Given the fact that Crazy Mom is clearly over-involved at best and mentally unbalanced at worst, we don't feel contacting her is an option.

 

We are generally of the 'don't poke it with a stick" philosophy, but kind of wanted to be on record somewhere about this. It's a small town and a small school, so we decided to be proactive and call the guidance counselor.

 

She was excellent-- confirmed my suspicions without really coming right out and saying it that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and Crazy Mom's ruthless and vicious and so is her daughter. Counselor advised us to ignore her comments but monitor them, and if it continues, it's a police matter, which is the conclusion dh and I came to this morning prior to me calling, actually. She is going to make a note of my call so it's in writing that we expressed our concerns on 4/26/12. Paper trail should we ever need one.

 

She's going to call Molly down and just do a friendly check-in with her. I"m sure Molly will say everything is fine, as she hates confrontation, etc. Lunch might be interesting, as Molly usually sits with these two girls at lunch. Can't wait to hear how things went.... nervous about that.

 

Thanks to everyone for your hugs, care, concern, and great advice! I'll keep you posted on how things shake down.....

 

astrid

[Miss Marple]

Do you know for sure it is actually the mom doing the posting? Could A have gotten on her mother's account and made the comments (maybe A was jealous of your daughter's relationship with M)? It truly sounds more like a kid than a mom (although I know some jerky moms). Instead of running from it, I would try to teach my daughter how to respond to jerks (whether it is the mom or A). As someone else suggested, placing a "HUH?" under the comment with an additional explanation about how happy she is that both her friends are reconciled would go a long ways. If the other person continues to engage, a "shruggy shoulders" emoticon and a "whatever" (rolls eyes) would be fitting. Then ignore anything additional - the other person looks stupid and juvenile.

 

There are plenty of mean people out there and they are not all limited to facebook. Teach your daughter how to be a duck (let it roll off) and how to move on.

[4ofus]

Do you know for sure it is actually the mom doing the posting? Could A have gotten on her mother's account and made the comments (maybe A was jealous of your daughter's relationship with M)? It truly sounds more like a kid than a mom (although I know some jerky moms). Instead of running from it, I would try to teach my daughter how to respond to jerks (whether it is the mom or A). As someone else suggested, placing a "HUH?" under the comment with an additional explanation about how happy she is that both her friends are reconciled would go a long ways. If the other person continues to engage, a "shruggy shoulders" emoticon and a "whatever" (rolls eyes) would be fitting. Then ignore anything additional - the other person looks stupid and juvenile.

 

There are plenty of mean people out there and they are not all limited to facebook. Teach your daughter how to be a duck (let it roll off) and how to move on.

 

Love this!

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug: Astrid to you and your daughter. I didn't post anything earlier since I didn't have anything new to add to what others had said. Sounds like you figured out a good solution. I will pray for your daughter and hope lunch goes well. Keep us posted!

[Ohdanigirl]

I would simply have her reply that her comment was sincere, and that she is glad they are friends again. then move on. If it continues, then maybe a phone call between parents is in order. I don't know how far that would get you, since she is one of the parents. Sorry this is happening.

 

Danielle

[astrid]

Molly's a great duck...and it's actually what she was doing. Dh and I monitor her FB page and saw it. We did entertain the possibility that A posted under her mother's FB account, but then there's the matter of the private FB message a month or so ago. This mother is definitely a loose cannon, which was confirmed by the guidance counselor today, so at this point I guess I think it WAS the mother.

 

In any case, we are ignoring the post, monitoring for any future contact on FB, and letting it kind of extinguish itself. Molly is hesitant to post anything more for fear of poking a bees' nest.

 

I dont' know. I'm sad for the days gone by when there was one telephone on the kitchen wall and any other communication was via notes!

 

astrid

[astrid]

:grouphug: Astrid to you and your daughter. I didn't post anything earlier since I didn't have anything new to add to what others had said. Sounds like you figured out a good solution. I will pray for your daughter and hope lunch goes well. Keep us posted!

 

Thanks, QK...that means a lot to me! :001_smile:

 

astrid

[Coffeetime]

Okay--- here's how we handled it:

 

Given the fact that Crazy Mom is clearly over-involved at best and mentally unbalanced at worst, we don't feel contacting her is an option.

 

We are generally of the 'don't poke it with a stick" philosophy, but kind of wanted to be on record somewhere about this. It's a small town and a small school, so we decided to be proactive and call the guidance counselor.

 

She was excellent-- confirmed my suspicions without really coming right out and saying it that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and Crazy Mom's ruthless and vicious and so is her daughter. Counselor advised us to ignore her comments but monitor them, and if it continues, it's a police matter, which is the conclusion dh and I came to this morning prior to me calling, actually. She is going to make a note of my call so it's in writing that we expressed our concerns on 4/26/12. Paper trail should we ever need one.

 

She's going to call Molly down and just do a friendly check-in with her. I"m sure Molly will say everything is fine, as she hates confrontation, etc. Lunch might be interesting, as Molly usually sits with these two girls at lunch. Can't wait to hear how things went.... nervous about that.

 

Thanks to everyone for your hugs, care, concern, and great advice! I'll keep you posted on how things shake down.....

 

astrid

Seems like you're handling it well- I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. :grouphug: She sounds like a girl with a head on her shoulders, though! ;) It's unbelievable how crazy some people get when they're behind a computer screen.

[astrid]

Seems like you're handling it well- I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. :grouphug: She sounds like a girl with a head on her shoulders, though! ;) It's unbelievable how crazy some people get when they're behind a computer screen.

 

Ain't that the truth!

And thanks for your kind words.

 

astrid

[Candid]

One more thing that occurred to me: it's been kind of trendy lately to let friends have access to your Facebook password, etc. Then they post silly things as each other. If Molly has shared with either of these girls, she should change her password and I would not share with either again.

[Little Nyssa]

FWIW, re misinterpreting "Great!"

 

I often say "Great!" when I'm happy about something.

 

There have been some times when I've been misinterpreted as sarcastic, though, when it's somebody with a chip on their shoulder-- this has actually happened to me several times.

 

So now I say it just when I'm among people who know me well and will take what I say at face value, with a smile.

 

I'm glad the guidance counselor was helpful.

[QuirkyKapers]

How did everything go for your daughter? Hope it was ok!

[Trilliums]

:bigear:

 

How did lunch go?