sheryl Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 My friend, Kat, turned 43 recently. We met 11 years ago at church. She was married with a dd 10 mo old. And, my 10 mo dd and I attended the same "Moms/kids" group. She went on to have 3 more kids. My dh and I are blessed with our 1 dd. SE (initials for Kat's dd) and my dd are 1 day apart. SE is older by one day. Kat, her dh and kids moved to the other side of town and we really didn't continue our relationship as before b/c we were now about 40 minutes away. Too far for regular visits. However, we did talk by phone every now and then and send cards, etc. She was diagnosed with cancer last August. It seemed she was getting better. Last night, dh and I learned that she was told by her drs. she is close to the end....worst case 4-6 months and best case scenario 6-11 months to live. I do believe GOD can heal her if He so chooses. We have decided to drive up to visit them in a month or two to celebrate my dd and SE's birthdays. Not a party, really a visit with Kat and her family surrounded by these b'days to "help" in some way. Has anyone gone through this with a friend? I have with family members, but not a friend. I thought of taking a book to her. Will she spend the time to read it? She really is investing all of her time with her family and making memories. BTW, she is a beautiful, godly woman. She has written that her Heavenly Father knows exactly what He's doing and is not worried in the least. She is accepting - either way. Need advice here on best approach. Visit only or do we take a little something. If any of you feel so inclined to pray, it would be greatly appreciated. Last summer they found a football sized tumor in her abdomen. Don't know location of origin. They removed it. Now it has spread into her liver and lymph nodes. Tragic, and I'm numb over this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: I have not had a friend go through this, but I am 42 and this is the age that these things really start happening. It's coming. I think it is fantastic that you are going in a month or two, but my advice here would be check with her first about plans (she might have a lot of family coming in to stay), and the second would be DON'T WAIT. Sooner is better. I'm so sorry for your friend, her family, and you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: I cannot even begin to fathom it. What a scary thing. I would definitely keep in touch with her more, be a sounding board if she ever needs one. Also, have your dd maintain good contact with the dd. She may appreciate the support from someone close when her mom passes away. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: I cannot even begin to fathom it. What a scary thing. I would definitely keep in touch with her more, be a sounding board if she ever needs one. Also, have your dd maintain good contact with the dd. She may appreciate the support from someone close when her mom passes away. :grouphug: :iagree:This is exactly what I was thinking and I would do. I'm so sorry, Sheryl. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TGHEALTHYMOM Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: I am so sorry you are hurting, and that she is going through this. I would just ask your friend if she has a book she wants to read, or if she feels like it at all. I can cry just thinking about the movie "Beaches", and hope you can go visit more than 1 time and possibly alone. I would at least write her a letter and let her know how you are feeling. I have lost family, but never a close friend to cancer yet. Sudden death such as from heart attacks have taken some of my dh and my friends, and the pain of not having more time with them before has been overwhelming. It is hard to see people you love suffering. Be glad that she has Peace about it all. :grouphug: I will be praying for healing, and all of you. Life hurts, and only God heals. Edited March 21, 2012 by TGHEALTHYMOM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petepie2 Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Three and a half years ago a friend of mine died of liver cancer. She was diagnosed in July and died in late September. I don't know what to tell you to do, although I don't think there is necessarily a need to take anything. She was always happy to see our kids and just watch them play. My friend was a very godly lady as well. She was able to say, "God is good all the time" up until the very end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Hugs. If you are looking for a gift, can I suggest something: http://www.castingkeepsakes.com/life-casting-kits-c-1.html As my daughter was nearing the end of her life, we made 3D molds of her holding hands with each of us (separately--only two hands will fit in the kit). They are a treasured, treasured item and incredibly lifelike. She is wisely using her time making memories and trying to preserve a part of herself for her children. Honor that and support her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 that is terrible. I had a friend die of breast cancer a few years ago. We werent really close but her death hit me hard. She was just three days younger than I was, had three children, her youngest was one year old when she died. I would visit sooner than a month, and maybe bring a fruit salad or banana bread, or maybe some soothing soap or lotion, if she can tolerate that type of thing. I can't imagine the loss her family will feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 No advice, but I wanted to say how very sorry I am. I can't imagine knowing that I would be leaving my children soon and not being able to do anything about it. I know she lives a little ways away, but I would try to make it there alone, or maybe with the kids, at least once to just be a shoulder for her when she's not surrounded by other people and trying to put on a brave face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Prairiewindmomma, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You sound so strong. However, I know that you were saddened and now are trying to help encourage from your own cirucumstances. Bless you! :grouphug: Thanks to everyone. All very good insight and advice. Appreciate it all. Yes, her dh and 4 children will be at a loss. GOD's ways are higher. Her mother and sister were estranged and now, through all of this, they have accepted His Perfect Gift and are reconciled to Him and Kat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I am so sorry. This is so sad. I am very glad that she seems to be at peace. I have not gone through this, but if I were in your position, I would offer to make meals for the family. Even asking other friends to help too, and you deliver them. Also, just a thought, if she is weak, maybe you can write down notes or journaling for her that she may want to leave for her loved ones. I also would not wait. Towards the end, she may not want visitors at all, and just spend the time with family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: I cannot even begin to fathom it. What a scary thing. I would definitely keep in touch with her more, be a sounding board if she ever needs one. Also, have your dd maintain good contact with the dd. She may appreciate the support from someone close when her mom passes away. :grouphug: :iagree: I have heard, and found to be true with friends, that the SIX month mark seems to be the hardest time for the loved ones. Have your dd reach out even more then, perhaps bring SE to come stay with you for a weekend, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I lost a dear friend after an 8 month illness, not cancer. Her mother and I were her primary caretakers. The friends who visited were very appreciated. Meals were wonderful. Books were good, although I cannot promise that she read them all. Just time together was important. In my friend's case, our Native friends brought a lot of meaningful items, and that meant a lot to my friend, that they were sharing their world view. Taking time to spend with her child was deeply appreciated, as he was often overlooked. Please don't wait a few months, though. A lot can change, and in a couple of months she may not be up to visitors. Hugs to you, and to your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I'd find out from her family what she enjoys and bring something as I probably would for any visit. There may be other things I'd do. Please PM me if you want me to elaborate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 but I have prayed for her and her family, and will continue to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Thanks sweet Stacey and to everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endurancerider Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 My husband died 2 years ago from cancer. Our children were 10 and 7 at the time. Books were OK, depending on what they were about. Movies or music were better because they took less effort, and energy becomes very valuable. If they are advice about death, dying, or alternative treatments, it gets really old, really fast. (Everybody wants to tell you what you should eat, what magic drink there is, the magical prayer that prevents death from cancer, etc... when you have cancer) The best thing you can do is spend some time with them making some good memories, let them share on their terms (let them set the boundaries), and be available as a friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Oh, wow, What a sad situation. I will be praying for your friend. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2samlibby Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I'll echo what the others are saying. I would go sooner than a month or two. If her time is limited, she could go downhill healthwise quickly. I wouldn't wait. One thing you might help her with (unless she has already done this) is for her to write letters to her children that they open at different times in their lives -- graduation, wedding, a birthday, birth of their first child, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 Three years ago I had a very good friend die of liver cancer. It was so hard, I can't even say. I will say that when you visit her make sure that none of you are even tiny bit sick. She can't be exposed to your simple germs. My friend lived an extra 18 months because some experimental medication to boost her immunity worked for her. The shots she took cost $2000 each and sometimes she needed two a day. But even with those shots, she had to stay clear of germs. Also, if her family is "off", be kind. They are under horrible pressure. My friend had many coworkers who were angry that she did not keep them in the loop about her treatment. She was just too tired to do so. Her funeral was under attended because people got hurt over the fact that she needed to keep her distance for awhile. The worst lesson I learned from my friend's sickness was how self centered so many people can be. I hope that your friend will be surrounded by supportive people who love her enough to be there when she can handle it, and back off when she can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 My husband died 2 years ago from cancer. Our children were 10 and 7 at the time. Books were OK, depending on what they were about. Movies or music were better because they took less effort, and energy becomes very valuable. If they are advice about death, dying, or alternative treatments, it gets really old, really fast. (Everybody wants to tell you what you should eat, what magic drink there is, the magical prayer that prevents death from cancer, etc... when you have cancer) The best thing you can do is spend some time with them making some good memories, let them share on their terms (let them set the boundaries), and be available as a friend. I'm so sorry to hear about your dh. Appreciate you and all the others sharing. No, the book I have in mind is a devotional. It's very uplighting and encouraging. I'm just not sure a book is the route to go. Thanks to all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 How is your friend doing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 :grouphug: I have not had a friend go through this, but I am 42 and this is the age that these things really start happening. It's coming. I think it is fantastic that you are going in a month or two, but my advice here would be check with her first about plans (she might have a lot of family coming in to stay), and the second would be DON'T WAIT. Sooner is better. I'm so sorry for your friend, her family, and you too. :iagree: I lost one of my best friends 3 yrs ago. She was diagnosed, given 4-6 mos, and was gone in a month. Go. bring comfort food and take pics of her and her dc while there. Make copies and give them to her right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 We spend an afternoon each week with a friend who is terminal--it is so hard to even think it much less say it. Our sons are good friends. A group of us fill her home with children and laughter--lots of girl talk. For a while we all forget which is the biggest blessing. Anyway I hope are weekly meetings go on for a really long time--the last couple of weeks have been very rough medically for her. I am so grateful for each minute we spend with her. She is an inspiration. I am really proud to be her friend. What I am trying to say is do not wait. I had to skip a month because my son kept getting sick and giving it to me. As long as you are healthy visit. Take meals if they will be used. Try to remember the rest of her family in what you bring--things like movies they can all enjoy are great. I think the most important thing is bring yourself. Do check and make sure they are up to a visit and how long to stay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I'll echo what the others are saying. I would go sooner than a month or two. If her time is limited, she could go downhill healthwise quickly. I wouldn't wait. One thing you might help her with (unless she has already done this) is for her to write letters to her children that they open at different times in their lives -- graduation, wedding, a birthday, birth of their first child, etc. This. :iagree: I had a friend who died when she was 50 and she 2 had school aged daughters. I would ask her what you can do to help her make memories for her daughters. In addition to helping her write letters (my friend did this), you might see if she wants to record herself reading some favorite stories to her children. Take a freezer meal or two when you go. Even if they have extended family surrounding her, no one wants to think about cooking at a time like this. Just be there for her...it's so very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Sorry, I resurrected this thread (almost 5 months later) to see how the OP's friend is. Please note the start date. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Sorry, I resurrected this thread (almost 5 months later) to see how the OP's friend is. Please note the start date. Dawn whoops! Should have checked the date. :blush: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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