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When you invite other people's kids, who pays?


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My dds have a couple of friends (sisters), and whenever we invite them somewhere and pay, the parents seem upset and insist on reimbursing us. The first time there was any outing, they treated my kids (my dds had money but other parents wouldn't let them pay). So how come they aren't ok when it's the other way around? It feels so awkward. How do you handle who pays, when you have other people's kids with you?

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My dds have a couple of friends (sisters), and whenever we invite them somewhere and pay, the parents seem upset and insist on reimbursing us. The first time there was any outing, they treated my kids (my dds had money but other parents wouldn't let them pay). So how come they aren't ok when it's the other way around? It feels so awkward. How do you handle who pays, when you have other people's kids with you?

 

I insist upon paying when I'm the host. Eventually, they end up feeding my kid and refuse my offer of repayment. It's an expected ritual.

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We pay, but I always send my kids with money and instruct them to offer to pay when they are guests (but they don't need to insist). I think you need to have a friendly chat with the friends, and say you're not ok with them paying for your kids and their kids either way it goes. "Let's each agree to treat each other's kids, or else!" Share the love.

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Sometimes one way, sometimes the other, depending on our relationship, the outing, etc. Either way, I try to make it clear upfront, and before any firm decision has been made, so that the other family can know what they're saying yes or no to.

Either "if Jane wants to go with us, she'll need to bring $5 for her ticket and a packed lunch. She might want a coat, too, as we'll be walking."

Or "I'll be packing bread and hummus and she's welcome to share. She'll need a water bottle and something to do in the car. I've got an extra ticket, no need to pay me for it, someone gave it to me so it's all taken care of."

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Sometimes one way, sometimes the other, depending on our relationship, the outing, etc. Either way, I try to make it clear upfront, and before any firm decision has been made, so that the other family can know what they're saying yes or no to.

Either "if Jane wants to go with us, she'll need to bring $5 for her ticket and a packed lunch. She might want a coat, too, as we'll be walking."

Or "I'll be packing bread and hummus and she's welcome to share. She'll need a water bottle and something to do in the car. I've got an extra ticket, no need to pay me for it, someone gave it to me so it's all taken care of."

 

:iagree:

 

Generally though, if we invite, we pay or we tell them upfront we can't afford their way but would welcome the company.

 

Once I had a boy hold out money to reimburse me and I told him 'no thank you.' His reply was that his mother said I would say no thanks and he insisted I take the money or he'd get in trouble. It was pretty cute.

 

Nonetheless, we generally pay and if they want to reimburse, we accept, if not then we don't hold it against them either.

 

Some people find it a blessing to give or receive, some find it a burden because they feel they "owe" you or you "owe" them.

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Yep. Sometimes I pay and sometimes I don't. Usually I'll pay if I've invited a child. If a child asks to be invited, I'll sometimes ask him to pay. This actually happened today. My daughter had a cheer competition. It's $15 for a kid admission, plus food. My son wanted to bring a friend. I ok'd it with the request that the kid pay his own way.

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We pay, but I always send my kids with money and instruct them to offer to pay when they are guests (but they don't need to insist). I think you need to have a friendly chat with the friends, and say you're not ok with them paying for your kids and their kids either way it goes. "Let's each agree to treat each other's kids, or else!" Share the love.

 

:iagree:

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When I invite I expect to pay and when they other parents invite they intend to pay but it sometimes ends up that the other party ends up paying and then sometimes the kids want to do something that neither parent wants to pay for and the kids pay themselves. It is always agreed ahead of time though. Next time just tell them that you get it that time and then they can get it the time after that.

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For the most part, when I take my kids' friends skating or to the pool or someplace like that, the parents know ahead of time and send money. Since that's how they handle it, that's how I handle it. Occasionally, I will tell a child that it's going to be my treat today and vice-versa. It also sometimes happens that the other child's parent won't send money and I am fine with that. I always actually plan to pay when I invite other kids to come along with us on an activity, but it is nice when the parents send money. It makes it possible for me to do those kinds of activities with friends more frequently.

 

Lisa

Edited by LisaTheresa
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For the most part, when I take my kids' friends skating or to the pool or someplace like that, the parents know ahead of time and send money. Since that's how they handle it, that's how I handle it. Occasionally, I will tell a child that it's going to be my treat today and vice-versa. It also sometimes happens that the other child's parent won't send money and I am fine with that. I always actually plan to pay when I invite other kids to come along with us on an activity, but it is nice when the parents send money. It makes it possible for me to do those kinds of activities with friends more frequently.

 

Lisa

 

:iagree: The custom where we live is to send money with your kids for sporting events, movies, pool, etc. Events beyond that like eating out or overnights are paid by the host family. It's a fuzzy line sometimes. We just go with the flow. If the kids have money, we let them pay. If they don't, we pay. I figure it all evens out eventually.

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My dds have a couple of friends (sisters), and whenever we invite them somewhere and pay, the parents seem upset and insist on reimbursing us. The first time there was any outing, they treated my kids (my dds had money but other parents wouldn't let them pay). So how come they aren't ok when it's the other way around? It feels so awkward. How do you handle who pays, when you have other people's kids with you?

 

You pay, and if the parents offer reimbursement, you smile and say, "That's not necessary; we enjoy having your dc with us. But thank you." If they still insist, take the money.

 

Tara

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We usually go with the 'parent who hosts pays' formula- and it worked beautifully for years when our girls were growing up.

 

But our boy child has had a best friend for over 12 years now- and that boy's parents have NEVER offered to host. They didn't take the boys to the movies, to the park, or ANYTHING. But they were thrilled to let their boy come with us wherever we went. It's their loss, as they missed out on some wonderful experiences with the boys. The dad is a lawyer and the mom is a sahm, so they have time and resources. They live 4 doors down- the boys have grown up together!

 

So I think it's charming that in other situations the parents offer to pay you back.

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You know, it depends. I don't necessarily agree that we have to pay for other peoples' kids every time we bring them somewhere.

 

If it was like my kid's birthday and she wanted to have a friend come somewhere with her, then I'm way more likely to treat.

 

But if we're just going on a family outing and she's begging, "Please please please can I bring a friend," that doesn't mean I necessarily want to have to pay for said friend. Although it would depend on what it was.

 

If it was a day at the lake and we were just packing a picnic lunch and food to grill and were going to buy ice cream at the concession stand, sure, I'd treat. If she had a friend sleeping over and I decided to order pizza, sure, I'd treat.

 

If she was begging to take a friend along to an amusement park, I'm not buying another kid's ticket on top of my family's, that's too expensive. In that case, I'd go with Pauline's suggestion and lay out the expectations up front when I issued the invitation and tell the parent, "We're going to be doing this on such and such a date, dd is asking of she can bring a friend along, if your dd would like to go she is more than welcome, she would need to bring along money for her ticket and a few dollars for spending money, let me know! :) " kind of thing.

 

I think it is fine either way as long as you make your expectations clear up front.

 

If it was a case where a particular family had paid for my child to go to the movies despite my sending money along, then I'd be more likely to do the same with them, but I'd always send money along for my child and never just expect another family to pay for my child just because my child was allowed to tag along with a friend. Kids want friends to go places with them all the time, that doesn't mean my child became the family's honored guest all of a sudden and needs to have all expenses paid by that family. It just means kids are really good at going pleasepleaseplease can I bring a friend and sometimes parents go well, okay.

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Sounds like the hive consensus is . . . it depends. :001_smile:

 

Usually it just all works out, and I am fine with having different scenarios with different families. This particular family, though, I always end up feeling uncomfortable about it. I think I will just try to r.e.l.a.x. and, as advised by several, go with the flow.

 

Thank you.

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We do try to make it known up front who is expected to pay. Quite often though we are inviting kids from lower income/unemployed/struggling families and then we plan on paying and make that clear ahead of time. Otherwise these kids would never get to do some of these things.

 

We also try to keep things very low cost if we can. If we do a movie it is the budget one with the cheap pop/popcorn combo and if they want candy or other extras they pay for that.

 

I realize though that at times you welcome someone else to join you but can't afford it and I think that is fine as long as the invitation is presented that way and it is clear how much money something will cost. One family might stop for lunch at McDonalds and get something from the $1 menu and drink water while another family's idea of lunch is a $10.99 Chinese buffet.

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I always pay if I invite a second (or even third) child along. That way I don't feel so guilty about not paying when dd is invited. :D I don't generally keep cash on hand. So the conversation goes along the lines of,:

 

Mom: I'll pick Sally up at 1 to go ice skating.

 

Me: Thanks. I don't have any cash. I'll have to go to the ATM to get some money for her.

 

Mom: No, don't worry about it. I'll pay for Sally to get in.

 

Me: Okay. I'll pay for Susie next time I take the girls to ___

 

So someone is often paying for my dd to go somewhere. At the same time I'm often paying for her friend's adventures with us.

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Common sense dictates whomever is invited is the GUEST to the event and therefore, does not pay.

 

Sometimes, yes, but that doesn't really apply to a lot of the things I do. I am a *huge* outing person; I am forever loading my van up with a whole bunch of kids and taking them into the city for the day. If we're going to a museum, or seeing a show, or going for a hike, or going skating, or whatever, I want to gather up all the kids I can so they can all benefit from the opportunity. I'll take homeschoolers, neighborhood kids, schooled kids who have off for the day, cousins, friends of my kids' friends, etc. My philosophy is very much "the more the merrier". (And as we're homeschooling, the "fun outing" vs. "educational outing" categories are very much blurred: what's a family treat vs. what's a field trip?)

 

Because I do this so, so much more than some of the other families, I simply can't afford to treat every time. Plus if I did treat, the other family would feel they had to reciprocate, and if they aren't big outing people, they might say "no" to their kid coming because they don't want to be obligated to take my kid somewhere as often as I take their kid somewhere. I want the kids to be able to keep coming to these outings, even if their parents can't reciprocate. And I don't want to limit how many outings we do or how many kids can come because I can't afford to pay for everyone.

 

So I often pay things like parking (which can be significant in a city), gas, bridge tolls, and anything that comes up unexpectedly, and I ask the kids to pay for their own tickets or entrance, and bring their own lunch or buy their own ice cream or whatever. We also try to do things like buy the "plus 2 guests" memberships to places, so that we can treat others; again on those outings we'd still ask the extra kids to bring their lunch, etc.

 

If I'm asking kids to pay, I try to make it absolutely clear up-front what the expected cost will be. I also make the food arrangements very clear up-front; we usually bring our own food to keep costs down (and ask invited kids to do the same), to make sure there is food we like available, and to minimize time spent waiting in line or finding a restaurant.

 

I also try to remember to explain to both child and parent that we are NOT going to shop in the museum store, as if I had to do that with my own kids every time we visited a museum, we'd be flat broke, so not to expect that or send money for it (or, on the rare occasion, vice-versa).

 

It's also, for me, a boundaries thing. There are some kids who have gone with me on outings whose parents I know will NEVER reciprocate, for one reason or another. Nonetheless, I want to include these kids; they get a whole lot out of these outings and are unlikely to have similar ones with their own family. Having the kid pay their own way helps me to set some limits and feel OK with the uneven relationship, for the benefit of the kid (and my kid, who gets to have a friend along).

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I would never expect to pay for someone else's child just because we asked if they wanted to join us for an activity. Going to a museum, bowling, ice skating, etc. can be more fun with a friend along, but it is also a hassle and an expense.

 

If I invite one of dc's friends to come with us, it is making the experience more enjoyable for my dc, but it is also doing the friend's mom a huge favor, saving her the time, effort and gas money to take her own child to that activity.

 

I expect to spend of my time, provide transportation, and essentially "babysit" for that day. It is more than reasonable to expect that the friend should pay his/her own way at the activity. If I had to budget for friends as well as my dc, we would either not have the $$ to attend the event, or have to go solo.

 

BTW, this has always been my experience sending my dc with their friends as well. I greatly appreciate the kindness of the friend's family to take my dc for the day, give me a day off, and provide transportation. I am also fully aware that, if they felt they had to pay for my dc's admission, etc., they would not be able to afford to take them along, which is not fair to anyone.

 

ETA: This does not apply to birthday parties, of course ;).

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If I am inviting a child to come along with us without their parents and siblings, I am hosting that child for the activity and I will pay for the activity and food. It is different if I have said, "We are going to xyz place; does anyone want to join us ?" If other families or moms and kids decide to come along, I am not offering to pay for all those people.

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Common sense dictates whomever is invited is the GUEST to the event and therefore, does not pay.

 

I don't believe this is true. I volunteer to drive my kids to events, and they offer to take their friends. It's not us hosting an event. It's us driving kids to an event.

 

On the flip side, when others are driving my kids to an event, I wouldn't dream of expecting them to pay just because they were the drivers. They are usually doing me a favor so I don't have to lug my toddler(s) around town.

 

I'd always send money along for my child and never just expect another family to pay for my child just because my child was allowed to tag along with a friend. Kids want friends to go places with them all the time, that doesn't mean my child became the family's honored guest all of a sudden and needs to have all expenses paid by that family. It just means kids are really good at going pleasepleaseplease can I bring a friend and sometimes parents go well, okay.

 

:iagree: This is how it works for us. Often my kid goes with a friend to an event, and we are there anyway. My kids like to pair up with their friends and go places. I send one dc one way, and pick up another dc's friend to take with us going another way. It's truly about van space and how to get your kids to their destinations as a group effort. We don't have extra seats if we travel as a family, and we have littles to manage. Getting my olders to events can be quite a balancing act.

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The dad is a lawyer and the mom is a sahm, so they have time and resources.

 

Just had to mention that my dh is a lawyer and I am a sahm. Our financial budget is tight. People assume that we do well financially just b/c of dh's career choice. Many lawyers, especially those working in the government sector, are not making large sums of money. I wish my dh made as much as others assume. :)

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I would say, Oh please, it's my pleasure to include her in our trip. If we do something that requires extra money, I will always let you know up front.

 

I've done both and have never had a problem with the other parents. When I need the friend(s) to pay their own way, it's usually something the girls planned together which is entirely different than us just asking the other girl(s) to join us in a preplanned activity.

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