Should I do / say anything?

[ezrabean2005]

Dearest Hive,

 

You have such knowledge and experience I am hoping for some guidance. My mother and my relationship is terrible. I speak to her once a month at the most and see her less than once every six months because without these boundaries, she makes my life quite miserable. This has been the case since I left home at 15. My father was gone when I was 3 months old.

 

**end of backstory**

 

My mother bought my four children ornaments for Christmas. She has done this in previous years. She will buy them from thrift stores (no problem, this is where we shop - the point is that the ornaments are not new).

 

She spelled two of our four children's names wrong (DH and I have been married with at least 3 of the 4 kids for 10 years). The names are biblical so she could have looked them up. I removed the labels so the kids didn't see this. (Malachi was "MALCHI" and Nehemiah was "NEOMA")

 

Then when DS11 opened his ornament, it was broken. You could tell that it was not broken from handling. She had just bought him and wrapped him up a broken ornament. It was to the point you could not put it on the tree because it wouldn't hang at all. I tried to fix it as best as I could so we could put it on the tree at least. It kind of worked. I do know that of our four kids, this is the son my mother "likes" the least.

 

**end of situation** :001_smile:

 

So should I say something about this to my mother? The mispellings? The broken ornament?

 

I'd rather she didn't get them something at all than if she did it this way again. Any advice?

[rwjx2khsmj]

It doesn't sound as if saying something to her about it would change anything. I'd save my breath and my energy. Don't apologize for her just let the kids take her for what she is as they grow. They aren't expecting much from her either so they won't be disappointed.

[Brigitte]

For your sake, I wouldn't say anything. Ultimately you gain nothing (she isn't going to change) and you won't really feel any better afterwards. :grouphug:

[Tiberia]

Since you already know she's like this, and don't have a great relationship, I'd leave it alone. If she asks, tell her about it. But if she doesn't ask, keep quiet.

 

The thing you need to do is explain to the kids and yourself that grandma is just this way, and not to put any expectation on her. Actually, expect to be disappointed. She will probably never change. It sounds like you have boundaries already in place. You need to have emotional boundaries too when she gives gifts. She is making an effort, and it may be a big effort for her, so give her a little grace, but don't expect anything from her but disappointment.

 

It's sad. I'm sorry.

[ereks mom]

It doesn't sound as if saying something to her about it would change anything. I'd save my breath and my energy. Don't apologize for her just let the kids take her for what she is as they grow. They aren't expecting much from her either so they won't be disappointed.

 

:iagree:

[KS_]

For your sake, I wouldn't say anything. Ultimately you gain nothing (she isn't going to change) and you won't really feel any better afterwards. :grouphug:

 

I agree. Talking to her about it isn't going to change anything, and the less expectation you and your family has from her, the better off you will be. That way, she can't fail meeting the expectations (which are low or none) and if she ever does do something better, it will be a nice surprise.

[justamouse]

I'd leave it and talk to your kids. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Don't talk to her about it. It won't do any good.

Also, pre-open the kids' presents, and don't pass on something that is clearly insulting, like a wrapped, broken ornament. They don't need to be hurt like that, and they don't need to have that kind of example set for them. This kind of behavior should be completely off the table, and it would be better for him not to get anything from her than something like that.

[DawnM]

This is what I was going to say as well. Pre-open and screen.

 

My MIL sent T-shirts.....my 14 year old got a size 10 T-shirt and my 12 year old got a size 10 T-shirt. My 7 year old got a size 10 T-shirt.

 

Now my 7 year old has THREE T-shirts! :D

 

Dawn

 

Don't talk to her about it. It won't do any good.

Also, pre-open the kids' presents, and don't pass on something that is clearly insulting, like a wrapped, broken ornament. They don't need to be hurt like that, and they don't need to have that kind of example set for them. This kind of behavior should be completely off the table, and it would be better for him not to get anything from her than something like that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'd go down to the thrift store to get a new ornament to replace the broken one. And I wouldn't say anything.

[bettyandbob]

Saying anything will just cause you more pain.

[In the Rain]

It doesn't sound as if saying something to her about it would change anything. I'd save my breath and my energy. Don't apologize for her just let the kids take her for what she is as they grow. They aren't expecting much from her either so they won't be disappointed.

 

:iagree:

[Pretty in Pink]

I wouldn't say anything to her. I would inspect her gifts in the future before placing them under the tree and replace any broken ones with a similar item so that one kid doesn't feel slighted. :grouphug:

[Sophia]

There's a difference between being a bad shopper and just being petty.

 

If she really bought a broken present, I would ask her not to buy anymore presents because that's just mean to do to a child.

 

I would also make it clear that any issues she had with me, stop with me.

My dc are off limits to manipulative and hurtful gestures.

 

We do have some extended family relationships that are off, and are open with our dc about why we limit contact.

It's not pleasant to do and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.:grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

I'd leave it and talk to your kids. :grouphug:

:iagree: It sounds like talking wouldn't help. I would let your kids know that Grandma sometimes does kooky things so you may never know what gift might happen next (Or what might pop out of her mouth);)

:grouphug: Tough situation

[Guest submarines]

She sounds a lot like my mother, and our contact with her is even less. I'd bet there are hidden or not so hidden mental health issues. My mother would totally buy a broken ornament, if she liked other aspects of it. She'd say something like, "But it had a Piglet on it! Doesn't your DS love Piglet?" The fact that it was broken wouldn't matter to her. This is how her mind works.

 

I wouldn't say anything at all. It will only hurt you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

this is a situation to give the benefit of the doubt that it broke IN the box after it was place in it, and not that your mother deliberately gave a broken ornament to your child. if you are this concerned about gifts from her to your children, and she is NOT there when they are opened, open them yourself so you can inspect them, then rewrap them before you give them to your children.

 

as for the misspellings, you need to consider the person's capacity. I have a mildly retarded aunt who calls me krissy. i HATE that name, but correcting her would be a waste of breath as it's not going to change, and would only hurt her feelings. My grandfather misspelled my name on a present when I was five. My grandmother made a far bigger deal out of it than me.

[AK_Mom4]

I'd go down to the thrift store to get a new ornament to replace the broken one. And I wouldn't say anything.

:iagree:

I like this idea - making lemonade out of lemons!

[TranquilMind]

For your sake, I wouldn't say anything. Ultimately you gain nothing (she isn't going to change) and you won't really feel any better afterwards. :grouphug:

Agree with the others. If she hasn't bothered to learn their names by now, she's not going to bother. My son has a biblical name as well and his paternal grandmother will not spell it correctly.

 

You don't know for sure that she sent a broken ornament and she would surely deny it, so there is really no point.

 

The kids will figure it all out. I'd just give them the gifts and say, "Oh darn. This one is broken. Well, we won't say anything because we don't want to hurt her feelings and we really can't return it."

[In2why]

I guess I am more snarky. I would write her a thank you note. I would include that the present was broken but that it is the thought that counts, and I am sure that she didn't mean to send something so useless. I would also mention that perhaps the presents weren't really meant for your children since they were addressed to someone with similar names but not their names. I would ask if they were sent by mistake or if you should be concerned that dementia is setting in. Then I would ask if she was forgetting other important things. You get the idea :tongue_smilie:

[zaichiki]

Don't talk to her about it. It won't do any good.

Also, pre-open the kids' presents, and don't pass on something that is clearly insulting, like a wrapped, broken ornament. They don't need to be hurt like that, and they don't need to have that kind of example set for them. This kind of behavior should be completely off the table, and it would be better for him not to get anything from her than something like that.

 

:iagree:

This is what we do over here.

[Hen]

I agree with the others,

 

it won't change anything if you talk to her, and she might turn it around on you, guilt you, etc...you really don't need the drama.

 

I'd pre-screen any gifts from now on, and throw them out if unacceptable. I wouldn't feel guilty about it, either.

 

hugs.

[Anne in CA]

Don't talk to her about it. It won't do any good.

Also, pre-open the kids' presents, and don't pass on something that is clearly insulting, like a wrapped, broken ornament. They don't need to be hurt like that, and they don't need to have that kind of example set for them. This kind of behavior should be completely off the table, and it would be better for him not to get anything from her than something like that.

 

Wise words here. I couldn't agree more!

[sheryl]

Since you already know she's like this, and don't have a great relationship, I'd leave it alone. If she asks, tell her about it. But if she doesn't ask, keep quiet.

 

The thing you need to do is explain to the kids and yourself that grandma is just this way, and not to put any expectation on her. Actually, expect to be disappointed. She will probably never change. It sounds like you have boundaries already in place. You need to have emotional boundaries too when she gives gifts. She is making an effort, and it may be a big effort for her, so give her a little grace, but don't expect anything from her but disappointment.

 

It's sad. I'm sorry.

 

:iagree: This is sound advice. One exception as we all know - people can and do change. But, she may not and that would be the reason to set up emotional boundaries too.

[elegantlion]

I would have the kids send thank you cards with their names spelled correctly. There was a recent thread about that issue too.

 

I would not say anything about the broken ornament. I would replace it for the child.

 

I agree that you teach your children that this is grandma for better or worse. My paternal grandmother was an alcoholic, she lived local and we had to see her a lot. She was who she was. My dad was actually raised by his grandparents, she was such an unfit parent. However, I learned a lot of grace from my dad by watching how he treated her. He still showed her respect. She was obnoxious, but more self-centered than anything. We knew we would get crappy gifts. One year it was delicate handkerchiefs that she'd probably picked up the dime store. We thanked her and moved on. When she died my dad didn't shed a tear, but I learned a lot about how to treat people from watching him.

[ezrabean2005]

Thanks for the great advice. I won't mention it to her at all, but in the future I will pre-screen and deal with it accordingly. The kids have started asking questions about her behavior especially since they also have a much better set of grandparents on DH's side. I don't want to color their opinion of her, but we've started talking about choices people make.

 

It helps so much to have such a great sounding board. Thank you!

[Sputterduck]

Thanks for the great advice. I won't mention it to her at all, but in the future I will pre-screen and deal with it accordingly. The kids have started asking questions about her behavior especially since they also have a much better set of grandparents on DH's side. I don't want to color their opinion of her, but we've started talking about choices people make.

 

It helps so much to have such a great sounding board. Thank you!

:grouphug:

There is nothing wrong with being open and honest with the children about who your mother is.

[kalanamak]

There are some things so broken, nothing will fix them. Take her the best you can. Saying something will not make anything any better.

 

My son, with a 4 letter name and a common but not most common spelling, gets almost nothing from hubby's family properly spelled. Heck, I have a three letter nickname and they make it 4. (I just tell my son this shows how important it is to work hard in school, and be a good speller. Good spelling is polite. :))

[akmommy]

:grouphug:

There is nothing wrong with being open and honest with the children about who your mother is.

 

They will figure it out on their own eventually anyway. Speaking with my 18 year old last summer about difficult family members I was really surprised how much of their behavior she had picked up on and figured out on her own.

[inmyopinion]

Re: difficult people in our life, I am trying to teach my children that we sometimes need to accept people as we find them, and that may include limiting our relationship in some way. My dad can be a little short tempered with one of my children and he says unkind things, and talking to him does not change the behavior. So I limit the interaction but explain to my child that it is grandpa's problem not his, that my dad has done that all my life and that we also have to see the good in him.