KRG Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It seems silly to chip in for $27...but just for the sake of peace I would go ahead and pay the $5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I wouldn't pay it. I know it's only $5. It's the principle of it. My BIL tried to pull something like this once. He asked DH to contribute to a gift he bought (without consulting us first). It was actually quite a bit of money. And he had the nerve to ask us to pay more than him because he reasoned that we are a family of 4 and he is one person. What he failed to understand is that we are a family of 4 living on one income, while he is 1 living on a similar income. Dumb @$$. Grrrrr.... She sounds like a nut job. Glad to know we aren't the only ones with crazy families. One year we were asked to help pay to fly my BIL & family out to visit. They were the ones that had $$$ from selling a house yet didn't have money for plane tickets. My dh was the only one that said nope we aren't paying for somebody else's vacation. For the record we would gladly help fly BIL out if there was a death or something, just not vacation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 If your sister is jealous of you, will she be upset if you give your dad an extra present just from you? If that might be the case, I would say something along the lines of "I got Dad x for his birthday, but I can chip in for the cd too if you want". I agree with this. Clear and to the point, but not confrontational. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I agree with Joanne UNLESS chipping in would set a precedent that will be thrown in your face for the rest of time--a truly no win situation. In summary: She is nuts, and petty. However, it's just $5. Unless it turns into $50 next year and $500 the year after that. So my advice would be Joanne's with the addition of a breezy note along the lines of: I'll be glad to pitch in toward that CD, and in addition will be bringing a gift of our own that I had already purchased. In the future, if we are going to combine forces to buy common gifts, let's agree on it in advance to avoid misunderstandings. :iagree: It really doesn't sound like you're going to win with her, but this does at least give her the heads up that this will be the last time you "chip in" with a gift that isn't agreed upon before hand. It really sounds like she's jealous of your other sister for coming up with a good gift for you all to split for your parents and is trying to butt her way in with this cd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 It really sounds like she's jealous of your other sister for coming up with a good gift for you all to split for your parents and is trying to butt her way in with this cd. [/color] Yes, I thought of this. I just don't get how a 57 year old woman can still be so wrapped up with sibling rivalry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 It really sounds like she has a brain tumor--you know, the type that causes her to lose the filter the rest of us have. ;). Lara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Chipping in for a $27 cd is bizarre. Exactly. It really sounds like she's jealous of your other sister for coming up with a good gift for you all to split for your parents and is trying to butt her way in with this cd. :iagree: If your sister is jealous of you, will she be upset if you give your dad an extra present just from you? If that might be the case, I would say something along the lines of "I got Dad x for his birthday, but I can chip in for the cd too if you want". That way she knows ahead of time that there will be a gift just from you and she can tell you to forget about chipping in for the cd if you giving another gift makes her uncomfortable. That way she can't claim you tried to upstage her, or something ridiculous like that, later. It really sounds like she's jealous of your other sister for coming up with a good gift for you all to split for your parents and is trying to butt her way in with this cd. :iagree: To me, the whole five dollar thing shows she is still of the "one for you, one for me" mentality, which is the basis of jealousy -- that is, comparing herself to others, and feeling slighted when she comes up short in her own estimation. Who does this? Who buys a $27 gift without saying anything to anyone, and then after the fact asks her four grown siblings to chip in FIVE DOLLARS? Really? Why not SIX? Doesn't she want you to also split the taxes and part of the wrapping paper... and her card? Only a Top Notch Manipulator would even attempt this nonsense. Don't play her game. Or, you could play her game, but do it like this... "No, I already bought Dad's gift for his birthday. It's a _________, and it cost $1000. If you split the cost of that with me, then I'll split the cost of the CD with you." End conversation. I'd be really, really tempted to tell her this, but in reality, what I'd probably say is, "Oh, I'm sorry! I wish you had mentioned this to me ahead of time, but I've already bought another gift." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I'm going to be a dissenter :D I wouldn't. If she had come to you beforehand and asked you if you'd like to contribute to a gift which would then be from both of you, then fair enough - and you get to decide whether you want to chip in or not. But to go ahead and buy something, and then ask for - donations? - for something she's already chosen? Sorry, but I think that's just odd. You already have a gift, which you paid for. She now has a gift, which she's paid for. I don't see the need for you to contribute anything. JMO! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I'd give her $10 and mention that the wrapping paper and her time is worth something. You know, going the extra mile and all. I understand. Sounds like one of my sisters. I'm convinced some folks just do certain things to see how we'll respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walkermamaof4 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 How could your sister be my sister? I swear, I have one just like that. We've tried hard to keep the piece. But she never ever stops. I'm with the dissenters. Politely tell her about your gift, even asking if she'd like to chip in on it and combine them. Tell her you must have missed her email asking if she'd like you to buy the cd as a joint gift... I can share some doozies of stories with you if you'd like to feel like you are not alone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 (edited) I have two sisters (and two brothers too but they are irrelevant in this discussion). Sister A has researched buying housekeeping services for our elderly parents . . .Now sister B has sent out a group e-mail saying that she had bought a music CD for $27 that she's going to give to my dad for his 90th birthday. She wants us all to chip in to buy the CD for him. :confused: . . . I've bought him a birthday gift. In one sense, chipping in $5 for her gift wouldn't kill me financially. But I"m a bit exasperated with being hit up for what seems like a stupid request. But I need perspective because there is bad history between sister B and myself. . in my humble opinion - sister A made a perfectly reasonable request as a group gift for your parents. as for sister B - if it's is "just" a CD she doens't feel like spending the total sum on - well, she didn't have to buy it. If she feels it will "kill her" financially, I'd suggest she take it back. (however, if she can afford "go by plane to see her favoriet baseball team twice a year", she's doing much better financially than many and $5 won't kill her either.) I'd say "No, sorry, I've already bought Dad a birthday present". no matter what she said to guilt me, same response. nope, sorry, already bought a present. I do wonder if her "group" gift came up after sister A and so she is trying to get some of the "glory" for "organizing" a group gift? the history is 20 years ago, and should be left in the past. (including her snotty comment of you "owing" her for "boarding" you during a visit.) eta: I agree she is attempting manipulation -and the only way to handle manipualtive people is to refuse to play their games. otherwise the attempts at manipualtion NEVER ends. Edited December 7, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Dear Family, Since we are all chipping in on presents this year, I thought I would give you the opportunity to chip in on the best present for Dad. It will cost $1,000 for me to fly back for his birthday. Divided amongst all of us, that will only be x amount each. I've already purchased him a gift, so I'd like you to chip in $x. And sister B, your $5 is in the mail for the CD. Love and Kisses, Jean What? Wouldn't work? I guess you might have to be the metaphorically bigger sister. Like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Question- if you chip in the $5 this time, might it be $20 next time? If so, I would make a point to say that in the future you would like to be notified ahead of time and decide for yourself if you would like to contribute. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I agree with Joanne UNLESS chipping in would set a precedent that will be thrown in your face for the rest of time--a truly no win situation. In summary: She is nuts, and petty. However, it's just $5. Unless it turns into $50 next year and $500 the year after that. So my advice would be Joanne's with the addition of a breezy note along the lines of: I'll be glad to pitch in toward that CD, and in addition will be bringing a gift of our own that I had already purchased. In the future, if we are going to combine forces to buy common gifts, let's agree on it in advance to avoid misunderstandings. If your sister is jealous of you, will she be upset if you give your dad an extra present just from you? If that might be the case, I would say something along the lines of "I got Dad x for his birthday, but I can chip in for the cd too if you want". That way she knows ahead of time that there will be a gift just from you and she can tell you to forget about chipping in for the cd if you giving another gift makes her uncomfortable. That way she can't claim you tried to upstage her, or something ridiculous like that, later. I agree with this. I have a family member a lot like your sister, and just paying the $5 would not keep the family peace. Either she'd "forget" to put all the contributors names on the card and say something crazy like "What? I thought since I actually bought the gift, it was supposed to be my name on the card." Or she'd sulk and feel upstaged by us bringing another gift- I can totally see this happening. I am all for being the bigger sister, so I agree just send the $5, but I definitely make it clear up front that you will be giving a gift yourself as well. Sigh. I know how exhausting it can be trying to think out all the possible reactions of someone who is unreasonable. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I'm going to be a dissenter. I'd write sis back and say "I'm sure Dad will love the CD. Thanks for offering to let us chip in on the gift; however, we've already purchased him a present from our family. Look forward to seeing you at the party." Of course, only you can decide if family peace is worth the $5, but I would really resent getting roped into something like that. The housecleaning gift sounds lovely, btw. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I see no reason to try and have a relationship with people like this. The email would be totally ignored and if questioned at a family gathering I would look at her like she is stupid and walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 "No, I already bought Dad's gift for his birthday. It's a _________, and it cost $1000. If you split the cost of that with me, then I'll split the cost of the CD with you." End conversation. I wouldn't pay for it. I wouldn't argue about it. I would just say the above. Oh, I already bought him something. Thanks for offering to let us go in.. CC all of your sibs if she sent it to all of you, so they can see you were polite to her and to let them know they have an out as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Yes, I thought of this. I just don't get how a 57 year old woman can still be so wrapped up with sibling rivalry. My mother is 54 and her siblings are 51 and 59. When my grandmother died in October, they fought over her stuff like a bunch of 3 year olds. It was ridiculous. The worst part is it was all for naught because my kids and I were the only family members mentioned in my grandmother's will. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 I talked to Sister A this morning. She says to ignore it! At this point, I think I'll follow the advice to tell her that I already have a gift but will contribute $5 if she needs it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I would bite my tongue (HARD) and give her the $5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Yes, I thought of this. I just don't get how a 57 year old woman can still be so wrapped up with sibling rivalry. I recall one of the last converstaions I had with a great-aunt who was a general-favorite among all the neices/nephews and their children. she came up to me wanting to know why my grandmother (her younger sister) hated her. My grandmother had to have been in her 70's at the time, this great-aunt in her 80's. My grandmother could hold a grudge so long, she didn't know why she was mad, just that she was. the enmity that is at the root of such jealousy can last along time unless it is deliberatly eradicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 My mother is 54 and her siblings are 51 and 59. When my grandmother died in October, they fought over her stuff like a bunch of 3 year olds. It was ridiculous. The worst part is it was all for naught because my kids and I were the only family members mentioned in my grandmother's will. :tongue_smilie: My family is doing this now. They want my mom to put my grandmother in a nursing home so they can divide up everything and get their money. They are all 60+. I have to laugh at them because I have an excellent idea of just how little they are fighting over. It makes me wonder how they'll feel when their children do the same to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Oh- I know! Maybe your sister really didn't buy the CD right now but had it in her house and she is trying to recoup some money because she never liked it and lost the reciept to return it! Since she never used it would still be brand new right?:D Glad your other sister feels the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 My mother is 54 and her siblings are 51 and 59. When my grandmother died in October, they fought over her stuff like a bunch of 3 year olds. It was ridiculous. The worst part is it was all for naught because my kids and I were the only family members mentioned in my grandmother's will. :tongue_smilie: My mother is 63 and sibling rivalry is alive and strong in her mind. Also, she was "orphaned" 3 years ago. :001_huh: I guess that means she's a ward of the state now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.