Should some people just not marry?

[AlmiraGulch]

My sister is getting married next month. It is not her first marriage.

 

We were talking the other day and she was she was sharing that she's not sure that she's doing the right thing getting married again. She loves her (now) husband but there are just a lot of adjustments and sacrifices and compromises that you have to make wnen married that you don't have to make when you're single. Further, she said she was "perfectly happy" single, even though I know that she really wasn't, and I recall many conversations with her when she said she wish she had someone to be with.

 

Turns out it was apparently just cold feet because today she's fine, but it got me wondering. Do you think it's possible that some people just shouldn't marry? Or, is it always better if you can find someone you're compatible with to commit to them? I'm thinking of my parents, who I distinctly remember wishing time and time again would get divorced when I was a kid (they fought a lot), but now have been married 54 years and are wonderful companions for each other.

 

I've always thought that some people are just better on their own, and I included myself in that group. Now I think maybe those people just haven't found the person who means enough to them to make the necessary sacrifices and commitments to take the plunge. I have to admit I don't want to grow old alone.

 

What do you think?

 

ETA: I'm not talking about instances of abuse, or clergy who aren't allowed to marry. Just normal, everyday people without extraordinary or extenuating circumstances.

Edited November 8, 2011 by QValencia

[Remudamom]

Absolutely. My sister has made two disastrous marriages and says she won't marry again. I think it's right for her. She has a boyfriend in another town and they see each other occasionally.

[Joker]

My sister is 40 and never been married and doesn't have any plans to in the future. She's had a few boyfriends but she fills her time with her friends. She says she doesn't want to have kids because she spends so much time with her students (she teaches K) and she just doesn't feel a need. I think she's perfectly happy on her own.

 

Dh's sister has been married more times than I remember. She keeps trying but I think she just shouldn't be married.

[twoforjoy]

I don't know.

 

My husband's cousin just got married for the third time (and he has a child by a fourth woman). He's only 36. All of the previous relationships ended badly, as far as I can tell he's taken no responsibility for his part in it (he's convinced that all of his exes are crazy), and while I don't think he necessarily shouldn't ever get married again, I can't say that we thought this marriage was a particularly wise choice. I'd say that by marriage #3, if you haven't taken some responsibility for what went wrong in marriage #1 and #2 and tried to make some changes, there's not a very good chance that marriage #3 is going to end well.

 

I do think some people can be happy alone, perhaps happier than they are in a relationship, and if they don't want to marry, that's fine and they shouldn't feel pressure to do so or feel like there's something wrong with them.

 

I obviously don't know for sure, but I tend to think that if anything happened to my DH, I wouldn't seek out another relationship. If it happened, fine, but I think I'd probably plan to be single. I like my solitude, and I have lots of interests and friends and my kids to fill my life. I love my DH, but marriage is hard. I'm not sure I'd want to put that work in again, you know? I don't know, I might feel totally different if I were in that situation, but I tend to think I'd be okay as a single person.

Edited November 8, 2011 by twoforjoy

[AlmiraGulch]

Ok, so for those of you who think maybe some just "shouldn't" be married, do you think something is wrong with them (sorry...just don't know how else to word it and I'm not trying to edit myself here)? Or do they just keep picking the wrong person and maybe they could have successful marriages if they chose a better spouse?

 

For what it's worth, I'm not judging or making any assessment. Even though I'm engaged now I still in the back of my mind, in a place I don't even like to acknowledge, think I may be one of those might-be-better-off-single people, even though I love my fiance and can't wait to be married to him.

[dangermom]

Some people are happier single. I would bet that my sister will never marry, and will prefer it.

 

Some people shouldn't get married because they just aren't ever really going to be in a position to be a contributing spouse. (I'm thinking here particularly of a guy I know who is fast-cycling bipolar and schizophrenic and I'm not sure what else, but for his wife it was pretty much like being married to a spoiled, demanding 14yo. He couldn't work or take care of the baby or help around the house, but he sure could spend money. Now that they are divorced they get along much better.)

[Pamela H in Texas]

My aunt got married at 52 after she retired from teaching. Talk about a surprise.

My daughter is 19, never been interested in the idea of marriage or had interest in the opposite sex. We'll see.

 

I believe the Bible that singleness is a gift; but that many people may need/want to marry and that is a choice also.

[Bluegoat]

Some people are happier single. I would bet that my sister will never marry, and will prefer it.

 

Some people shouldn't get married because they just aren't ever really going to be in a position to be a contributing spouse. (I'm thinking here particularly of a guy I know who is fast-cycling bipolar and schizophrenic and I'm not sure what else, but for his wife it was pretty much like being married to a spoiled, demanding 14yo. He couldn't work or take care of the baby or help around the house, but he sure could spend money. Now that they are divorced they get along much better.)

 

:iagree:

 

I know people like this as well. For some reason or other, they just are not in a position to take on the responsibilities of a marriage, or of parenthood (which can happen in a marriage even if it isn't intended.)

 

I also think there are some people who are called to a single vocation. And some who just wouldn't really enjoy marriage or family life as much as single life.

 

In the end, you can't have it all much of the time - and if what you really want is incompatible with marriage, probably it is best not to get married.

[G5052]

I definitely know some who probably should not have married and did.

 

And some that I'm surprised have never married. But you never know. Maybe it was for the best.

 

I was happy single, and unexpectedly married later in life. No regrets.

[AlmiraGulch]

Oops! I just realized that two of my poll options are essentially the same.

Good thing I'm not being graded on this!

 

Ok, so do you think some people are just not "the marrying type" (meaning, or do you think that those who shouldn't be married are just choosing the wrong people, or marrying for the wrong reasons, or aren't capable of making the commitments necessary?

[jenncslp]

I definitely think that singleness can be a gift. I've never been married, and I don't know that I will ever be. I'm very happy and I love my life. Sure, I have moments that I wish there was a man in the house to fix things, take out the trash, take the weight of the bills, or just share simple moments. But I also have a lot of moments when I see the pain that my friends and their spouses go through, the stress, the fights, etc. and I just thank God that I don't have to deal with those things.

 

In my own spiritual life, I feel like it has been a blessing as well. I am learning to lean more on Christ for everything since there is no one else to run to.

 

Jenn

[AlmiraGulch]

I definitely think that singleness can be a gift. I've never been married, and I don't know that I will ever be. I'm very happy and I love my life. Sure, I have moments that I wish there was a man in the house to fix things, take out the trash, take the weight of the bills, or just share simple moments. But I also have a lot of moments when I see the pain that my friends and their spouses go through, the stress, the fights, etc. and I just thank God that I don't have to deal with those things.

 

In my own spiritual life, I feel like it has been a blessing as well. I am learning to lean more on Christ for everything since there is no one else to run to.

 

Jenn

 

:grouphug: I completely understand and even echo that perspective, both from the wishing-I-had-someone-to-lean-on and being-glad-I-don't-have-to-deal-with-the-issues points of view. I guess in the end we just do the best with the hand we have.

[FrogMom5]

I voted other because I agree with both of the first 2 choices. Some people are happier being single and some will never be happy no matter what they do. The latter is sad.

Denise

[higginszoo]

I like both answers 1 and 2 for different people. Some people I know are happily single, some aren't particularly happy, but probably shouldn't be married, either.

[MaryCatherine]

I'll never marry again. I used to say that I'll just take lovers. :) But even that is too much hassle!!

 

Perfectly happy and content. And to be honest, I know very few marriages that I would want.

[Mimm]

I know someone who has such awful taste in men, she probably shouldn't marry. Fortunately, she likes her independence enough that when relationships get serious enough that they start imposing on her life, things end up falling apart. We'll see I guess.

 

I can see the benefits of singleness. Part of me does envy the freedom of it. :)

[KidsHappen]

(I'm thinking here particularly of a guy I know who is fast-cycling bipolar and schizophrenic)

 

I so hate to be picky here especially since it is not pertinent to the topic at hand but I consider it part of my pubic education responsibility to state: The definition of bi-polar specifically excludes schizophenia so you can't be both. Bi-polars can have hallucinations and delusions though and it is sometimes very hard to tell them apart so a person can be mis- and/or poorly diagnosed but they can't be both. It's an either or thing here. Please forgive and continue. :o

[KidsHappen]

I wasn't really sure how to vote on this. One of my brothers is not married, probably will not ever be married and is quite content to not be married but I don't know that I would say he is better off that way. I don't know that he would be better off married either. He is just fine the way he is and well if he changed that would be fine to.

 

I know another person who would probably like to be married but I just can't imagine that they would ever make a good spouse in any sense of the word. So I think it is perfectly possible that some people should not get married while others just may be content not getting married if that makes any sense.

[dangermom]

I so hate to be picky here especially since it is not pertinent to the topic at hand but I consider it part of my pubic education responsibility to state: The definition of bi-polar specifically excludes schizophenia so you can't be both. Bi-polars can have hallucinations and delusions though and it is sometimes very hard to tell them apart so a person can be mis- and/or poorly diagnosed but they can't be both. It's an either or thing here. Please forgive and continue. :o

 

OK. All I know is what his ex-wife said when they were still married.

[FO4UR]

I think there are many people who just shouldn't marry b/c they will never give in the relationship. Those people will never realize that they are those people though.

[Audrey]

Ok, so for those of you who think maybe some just "shouldn't" be married, do you think something is wrong with them (sorry...just don't know how else to word it and I'm not trying to edit myself here)? Or do they just keep picking the wrong person and maybe they could have successful marriages if they chose a better spouse?

 

For what it's worth, I'm not judging or making any assessment. Even though I'm engaged now I still in the back of my mind, in a place I don't even like to acknowledge, think I may be one of those might-be-better-off-single people, even though I love my fiance and can't wait to be married to him.

 

No. I don't think anything is "wrong" with them. I don't think that societal standards, like marriage, are right for everyone. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with those people. It just means that they are better off pursuing a different lifestyle.

 

I think the same thing applies to parenthood. Some people really should not do it.

[Rosie_0801]

Some people are not the marrying type, but are the defacto type.

 

I personally don't think asexual people should marry people who aren't also asexual, except in special circumstances. Not sure what those special circumstances would be, but I'm sure there are some that work happily.

 

Rosie

[Pamela H in Texas]

I wanted also to say that I met a friend years ago who made single (no man period) look beautiful. She had had two failed marriages, both many years before I had met her and had been alone a long time by the time I met her. She really made me think that that was a possibility should something happen to hubby. It'd take something pretty major to push me out of singleness if I ever found myself single (where I used to believe I'd probably be married within the month).

[AdventureMoms]

I think some people probably shouldn't marry because they're really bad at it. I also think that quite a few people are perfectly happy being single (truly single, no long-term relationships). I also know a few people who are very happy to never marry, but do have long-term (sometimes life-long) relationships, but still prefer to remain unmarried.

 

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with any of them, especially if they have worked out what works for them. If someone is happy and fulfilled with their relationships (or lack thereof) I'm not one to judge.

[Denisemomof4]

Oops! I just realized that two of my poll options are essentially the same.

Good thing I'm not being graded on this!

 

 

Oh PULLEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what *I* did last night? I top the list for the Hive Stupidity Award.

 

it started here on page 4:

 

 

look at post 31 on this thread, then look down at post 36. Oh, look at the dates on both. :svengo:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=246091&page=4&highlight=uti

 

 

but this is where I really make a public fool of myself:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=322916

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I can't believe I'm sharing this. I was glad the thread got buried. Still, embarrassed as I was, I woke up laughing at myself today.:lol:

[AlmiraGulch]

Oh PULLEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what *I* did last night? I top the list for the Hive Stupidity Award.

 

it started here on page 4:

 

 

look at post 31 on this thread, then look down at post 36. Oh, look at the dates on both. :svengo:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=246091&page=4&highlight=uti

 

 

but this is where I really make a public fool of myself:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=322916

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I can't believe I'm sharing this. I was glad the thread got buried. Still, embarrassed as I was, I woke up laughing at myself today.:lol:

 

:D

[Pippen]

I voted "other" because I need a category that reads like this: Some people are all too ready to jump in and commit to marriage and should remain single, but it's likely their spouses will never be "happy".

 

My dad was seperated from his 5th wife at the time of his death. Even in the last months of his illness he was actively looking for "someone to share his life with".:rolleyes:

[Scarlett]

Ok, so for those of you who think maybe some just "shouldn't" be married, do you think something is wrong with them (sorry...just don't know how else to word it and I'm not trying to edit myself here)? Or do they just keep picking the wrong person and maybe they could have successful marriages if they chose a better spouse?

 

For what it's worth, I'm not judging or making any assessment. Even though I'm engaged now I still in the back of my mind, in a place I don't even like to acknowledge, think I may be one of those might-be-better-off-single people, even though I love my fiance and can't wait to be married to him.

 

I don't think it is a matter of 'should' or 'shouldn't', but rather personal desires. Now---once that decision has been made further work is required. If one decides to remain single then they must live in harmony with that decision as regards morality and attitude. Or if one decides they want to be married then effort should be made to maintain a heathy relationship.

 

As far as marriages falling apart....I believe basic selfishness of one or both parties leads to that outcome. If you get married you have an obligation to do your part to make it work.

[Scarlett]

I also believe that many young marriages turn out to be two people who maybe aren't the most compatible. However, I believe those people can have relatively happy marriages and happy lives.

 

I think a lot of unhappiness comes from not being content with what you have. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. :D

[Joanne]

Other. Of course some people are better off married. Of course some are not.

 

If something happens to my husband, or to us, I will not marry or live with a person again. I'd consider a FWB, though, with mutually agreed upon terms.

[Audrey]

Other. Of course some people are better off married. Of course some are not.

 

If something happens to my husband, or to us, I will not marry or live with a person again. I'd consider a FWB, though, with mutually agreed upon terms.

 

 

Me, too. For some reason, though, whenever I say this to my dh, he thinks I'm joking. I'm not. There is a very good reason why I was single for 30 years before I married him. He's the sole exception. Period.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Oh PULLEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you see what *I* did last night? I top the list for the Hive Stupidity Award.

 

it started here on page 4:

 

 

look at post 31 on this thread, then look down at post 36. Oh, look at the dates on both. :svengo:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=246091&page=4&highlight=uti

 

 

but this is where I really make a public fool of myself:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=322916

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I can't believe I'm sharing this. I was glad the thread got buried. Still, embarrassed as I was, I woke up laughing at myself today.:lol:

 

That was excellent!

 

============================================

 

I don't believe marriage is for everyone. Assuming we are talking about mature, stable adults here, ok? I don't think marriage is the relationship decision for everyone either. I think it's fine for some people to knowingly go into relationships with the "as long as we are both happy" idea too. As long as they both know they aren't trying to head to marriage. Some people just aren't the "happily ever after", "to death do us part" types. I'm not much for limiting how relationships should be as long as it doesn't hurt someone else.

 

I am also someone who firmly believes that if anything happened to my husband I would be perfectly happy remaining single. I'm happily married and I believe I would be happily single if something were to happen. That's just me. :)

[Tigger]

Ok, so for those of you who think maybe some just "shouldn't" be married, do you think something is wrong with them (sorry...just don't know how else to word it and I'm not trying to edit myself here)? Or do they just keep picking the wrong person and maybe they could have successful marriages if they chose a better spouse?

 

For what it's worth, I'm not judging or making any assessment. Even though I'm engaged now I still in the back of my mind, in a place I don't even like to acknowledge, think I may be one of those might-be-better-off-single people, even though I love my fiance and can't wait to be married to him.

 

I think for some, marriage is a bad idea - especially those with personality disorders they have no desire to work on (thinking cluster B malignant narcissists here, etc), thinking there is nothing wrong with them, but with everyone else; those who *know* they will not remain faithful and not maintain fidelity in the relationship should also reconsider in my mind and save the spouse-to-be a lot of heartache; and I think some simply *like* their independence and freedom more than they *like* the idea of sharing a relationship and should also consider remaining single.