Does moving harm kids?

[Renee in NC]

My 13yo still hasn't gotten over moving from FL to here earlier this year. He had just started making friends (after a year and a half) and had to leave them behind. He didn't start making friends until he went to school, though.

 

I am currently finishing my Masters and planning to take the CPA exam (much like before, but put it off when we moved.) It may be that when I am finished next summer, we will need to move again for a job for me.

 

My ds is going to be devastated. He HATES change anyway and has a hard time making friends (outside of school.) If we move, he is likely to go to school. If we stay here, he won't go to school (dh will quit his job to homeschool.) Staying here would be a financial sacrifice in that regard. (The public schools here are NOT an option.)

 

If we do move, will it scar him? I moved every single year of my childhood (changing schools each time.) I don't want that for my kids, but at the same time I do feel like moving is a fact of life.

 

Any thoughts?

[Cammie]

Wow, hard questions. I think I give it the old "it depends!" Depends on the kids, on the move, on the location, on the experience, on the reasons, on the family. I moved after 6th grade and it really was HORRIBLE! I never really fit in at the new school and I think it changed the person I became. However, I moved my kids at the ages of one and five and while it was difficult for the older one to adjust, she did adjust. I don't think it has scarred her for life....guess we just have to ask her therapist when she gets older!

[Snickerdoodle]

I think it must be harder on a teenager than say a younger kid. But truthfully, it is a fact of life for some families. I would worry less about your kid being scarred for life and more about teaching him to have coping skills for dealing with change.

 

It's hard. We move a lot too. :grouphug:

[TheReader]

the best thing I can say is "I sure hope not."

 

We've moved, a lot. I think it can be hard, but there are ways to ease the transition for the kids. The older they get, the harder it does get on them. The best you can do, we can do, is to smooth the way.

 

Make sure there are good, sufficient goodbyes to the place you leave behind. Explore other ways to get involved so that school isn't the only tie. Check out the new place ahead of time if you can, or early on once you get there.

 

Let the kids help sort what comes and what stays, making sure not to throw out their special treasures no matter how ridiculous the treasures might seem to you. For instance, when we moved to Brazil, I packed baggies full of cotton picked up from the side of the road, "treasure chests" full of rocks saved from various places we'd traveled, a coin bank full of US pennies....various treasures that were of utmost importance to my boys back then, but that they've since been able to part with. Things that helped them feel they weren't losing *everything* from the old place, old life, etc. and that reassured them that they were (are) important; that they had some measure of control, however tiny.

 

Collect email or snail mail or phone numbers or whatever from the friends he does have, and help him keep in touch for as long as he needs that. At the same time, don't let him live totally in the past, help him get out and make new friends & connections in the new place.

 

It can be hard, I know. We've moved so much....mostly my boys are doing okay, though, and the quirks and everything are things they'd struggle with regardless, I think.

 

One thing -- think about the moves from your childhood. What was done right back then, to help you cope? What was done wrong? What about moving every year makes you not want that? Try to overcome those obstacles while still doing what's best for your family, and if moving again is what's best, then do it and don't fret too much. Kids bounce back. They cope. They learn valuable life skills, how to adapt to new situations, etc. Better they learn it now, at home, with you to help them through it then be lost later on as an adult. At least, this is what I tell myself, all the time.

 

Hugs and best wishes to you.

[higginszoo]

I grew up moving every 1-3 years. It wasn't always easy, but in the end, I think that the positives outweighed the negatives. Sure, it was hard always being the new kid, always having to make new friends (being painfully shy and probably slightly on the autistic spectrum didn't help). Trying to get the right high school credits when going to 3 different high schools (counting the one I attended freshman and senior years just once) was a pain. But I learned a lot about being flexible, about adapting, and my world is so much bigger than many of the people around me that in the end, I think that I'm much better off. We've moved a lot with my dc too. They, too, seem to have reaped a lot of the advantages, and while they're happy here, they're also open to another move, another adventure, if it presents itself.

[snickelfritz]

It depends? There are worse things that can happen. And sometimes it can't be helped, so most people just get over it.

 

My grandparents moved between my mom's Jr. And Sr. year of high school. She is still bitter.:tongue_smilie: On the other hand, she married, had kids, attended college and a meaningful job. So, it didn't destroy her.

[Margo out of lurking]

I never moved as a child, and I felt terribly sorry for kids who did. We've lived in four different places since my kids were born. At the time of our first move, they were 7 and almost 4, and they remember the first house.

 

I have carried a lot of guilt over this and recently apologized to my dd. She was baffled. She didn't think ANYthing of it. She's not particularly social (okay, that's a huge understatement). My ds is social, but he's also pretty laid back. I know it helped that their best friends moved away a year before we did in one location, and that lessened the feeling that they were moving away from friends.

 

Of course, I know your situation is different, Renee, but I think a lot of my kids' non-issues with moving have to do with homeschooling. We were very isolated at our house, out in the country, never became close with the neighbors. We took that time as a gift to bond more closely together.

 

It's worked out fine for us. It depends too much on each individual child though to be able to answer your question (will it scar him?) with a straight yes or no. (If he's not in school now, it seems like it would be easier to move, since he's not leaving "his" community.) I would encourage you though to give your family as much opportunity to grow together for now; that way, his "core" will not change, no matter what your location. Actively work at making your family the center of his life. It's not just the big things, it's the little things too, the things that you can take with you, the rituals, the closeness, the time together.

 

:grouphug:

[Renee in NC]

One thing -- think about the moves from your childhood. What was done right back then, to help you cope? What was done wrong? What about moving every year makes you not want that? Try to overcome those obstacles while still doing what's best for your family, and if moving again is what's best, then do it and don't fret too much. Kids bounce back. They cope. They learn valuable life skills, how to adapt to new situations, etc. Better they learn it now, at home, with you to help them through it then be lost later on as an adult. At least, this is what I tell myself, all the time.

 

Hugs and best wishes to you.

 

I just coped. We packed, we moved, I went to a new school. That pretty much covers it. I thought it was normal!:tongue_smilie:

[Snickerdoodle]

I would encourage you though to give your family as much opportunity to grow together for now; that way, his "core" will not change, no matter what your location. Actively work at making your family the center of his life. It's not just the big things, it's the little things too, the things that you can take with you, the rituals, the closeness, the time together.

 

Yes! I think about this so much too. Well said.

[Renee in NC]

It's worked out fine for us. It depends too much on each individual child though to be able to answer your question (will it scar him?) with a straight yes or no. (If he's not in school now, it seems like it would be easier to move, since he's not leaving "his" community.) I would encourage you though to give your family as much opportunity to grow together for now; that way, his "core" will not change, no matter what your location. Actively work at making your family the center of his life. It's not just the big things, it's the little things too, the things that you can take with you, the rituals, the closeness, the time together.

 

:grouphug:

 

Family is the center of his life, but he is (slowly) starting to make friends. He is going to a youth group. He has another kid that he met while fishing and they share a love of nature. None of them are really, really good friends (yet) and they all go to school (so he is kind of on the outside looking in.)

 

He still talks to one friend in FL and I hope that he will be able to go visit sometime. His other best friend is the 58-year old mechanic who used to work for us. He talks to him 2-3 times a week.:tongue_smilie:

 

He is very quirky, has less-than-stellar social skills, and really, really doesn't handle change well. We can't take all of his "treasures" with us when we move because he is a collector (he rarely gets rid of anything unless forced.)

 

He's the only one I worry about - the others are pretty adaptable.

[lynn]

I have been on both ends of moves. My parents decided to move from what I consider a perfect place to be a kid to the pit what is call S Florida when I was 13....hated it, resented my parents for it. Dh, my knight in shining armour, rescued me from that pit 10 years later and I still, at time resent my parents for that move, I never, ever claim S FL asmy home. Years ago they finally admitted it was a big mistake (only took 20 years to admit to this).

 

Now moving children as a parent. Sometimes it cannot be helped. DH career moved us several times. When they were young it was fun, it was an adventure, they loved living in different places and experiencing all there was to offer in their new home towns. The hardest and last move was when ds was 11. He does have anxiety issues and it came out in the worst way during that move and lasted 2 years. He did have friends, a most wonderful teacher and loved exploring the desert he just never adjusted well, then we had to move 1 year later and I ended up hsing him and bringing him to counseling.

 

Does it harm them? Depends who you ask.

Edited October 18, 2011 by lynn

[Renee in NC]

I think it must be harder on a teenager than say a younger kid. But truthfully, it is a fact of life for some families. I would worry less about your kid being scarred for life and more about teaching him to have coping skills for dealing with change.

 

It's hard. We move a lot too. :grouphug:

 

I know the bolded is a necessity, but since he won't listen to anyone else about anything, it isn't likely to happen.:tongue_smilie:

[Hedgehog]

Frequent moving was actually the original reason why we chose to homeschool. We felt it was easier on the kids to keep the education/teacher the same, even if lots of other things changed. It's not our primary reason for homeschooling any more, however.

 

Since it's unlikely that a person is always going to be in the same place with the same people, I think it's not a bad thing for kids to have one or two changes like moving house. Hopefully it gives them the opportunity to learn to deal with it in a positive way.

[jennsmile]

As a military brat I certianly hope not. We moved when I was 3, 7, 13, 18, then I moved when I was 19, & 20 & 25.

 

The only lasting effect is I have no hometown, as home is where you live. I miss my friends from different citites but with Facebook I have reconnected with most of them.

[lauranc]

I grew up moving too. I was a fairly easy-going kid, but I can remember how difficult it was for my brother. Before moving to this house and area, I had never lived in the same house for more than 3 years.

 

The move here was so difficult for our oldest child (he was 10) that we have decided to do our best to stay put. A few years ago I would have loved to move house-- but we felt it was in the kids' best (emotional) interest not to. We want them to have stability, and besides which... they see nothing wrong with the fact that the kitchen is too small and we could really use just one more room. These are 'adult' issues that are really not that important in the grand scheme of our lives. So.. we stay.

 

So, yes.. I think it *can* hurt children to be uprooted frequently-- but I doubt it hurts every child.

[The Girls' Mom]

I have moved 23 times in my life. I was a shy kid. I made it through ok. My oldest dd has moved with us several times, and my younger ones just once (soon to be twice) They get over it eventually. My oldest has a really hard time, but she does adjust.

[Michelle in AL]

I moved after K, 2nd, 4th, 8th, 9th, & 10th grades. Most of the later moves, I felt like I never fit in, but I can now look back and see the positives.

 

Change doesn't stress me out. Dh never moved, and moving or change in general is hard for him.

 

At work (I'm a nurse), I can work on different floors and it doesn't bother me.

 

Overall, I am grateful. I feel moving made me adaptable, a very important factor as an adult.

[Heather in Neverland]

Well my kids lived in Michigan, North Carolina and now Malaysia and I doubt our moving days are over.

 

They have actually gained a lot from it so far. New places, new people, etc., doesn't "throw" them. They adapt really well and are always open to new ideas. I think it has been great for our whole family. I want my kids to always be open to new experiences and not to let change scare them. It is a big world out there and I want them to see as much as they can.

[SailorMom]

My older son had difficulties. We move 8 times in 5 years (military). After the last move he was really having trouble. We ended up sending him to therapy and it was the best thing I could have done. Therapist was wonderful!

My younger son seemed to handle it fine - water off a duck's back. But every time he has made a good friend - that friend has had to move. We've been stable here for 6 years, but he's lost a close friend to moves 5 times. That has been so hard on him....

[Shifra]

I only moved once during my childhood, when I was about 5, and it was hard, as I was (am?) very shy. However, from the more positive perspective, Therese Amabile, in her book Growing Up Creative, states that children who grow up with frequent moves are more creative.

[Tammyla]

It can be harder for the older ones, but it can a wonderful adventure too. You just love em the best you can as a parent, and they work through it in their own way.

 

I know the bolded is a necessity, but since he won't listen to anyone else about anything, it isn't likely to happen.:tongue_smilie:

[Julie Smith]

I didn't like it when my parents moved. The move across country because of work, I could understand. The one I hated was a 4k move to a bigger house. We had lived in the perfect neighborhood. Absolutely perfect, and they moved since my mom wanted a bigger kitchen.

 

For my dh, it wasn't the move he made when 10?that was hard. It was the fact his parents moved to the middle of nowhere.

[nukeswife]

You'll just have to do your best to help him cope, but it is what it is. My dh is military. My oldest has lived in WA, WI, VA, FL, RI, WI, FL, VA in his 12 years of life. My dd picked up the rotation in RI, my youngest was born in WI (the last one on the list above) so he's only moved 2 times and one of them he was only 2 weeks old (WI to FL). They all couldn't care less when we move. It's just part of life to them. So I don't think it harms them, it may be uncomfortable for kids in the beginning, but don't think it will do irreparable harm in the end. My kids know that in a year we'll be moving again because our landlord wants his house back, they are excited to think of what the new house could have/be like.

[Annie G]

We moved when our oldest daughter was 9 and again when she was 11. She never got over it. Her sister had no problems - the moves were just another adventure to her. It was baffling, but that girl to this day has issues about our moves and she's 28!

[Splash]

I do think moving is hard. I moved at 8, 11, 12, 15, 19 before marriage. Since marriage 22, 24, 25, 28, 29, 33, 39, 40.

 

I think it does change personalities, some of the changes were good and some not so good. Bad was people had no permanant place in my life unless they were family. As a kid, once we left an area we never went back. I never saw those friends again. By high school I was pretty guarded in my relationships because the people were temporary. I still struggle with this sometimes, knowing this is an area of struggle I work at building deeper, more lasting relationships.

 

One good thing was it made me try things I might not have tried otherwise. Trying out for show choir or plays so I could connect with others of similar interests. I tried horseback riding for awhile, etc. It allowed me to start over with a clean slate in new locations and try new things.

 

For my kids moving is very hard. ( I think adoption plays a part in their issues with moving. Change is hard for them) Even moving 4 miles to a house they helped build and were excited about was hard. They never want to move again. We've offered to downsize so we could travel more and do more but they want to stay put. So we will.

 

I think 13/14 can be a particularly hard time for a boy to move, at least it was for my brother. He really struggled with moving both in middleschool and high school more than other moves.

[Sevilla]

For some kids, with specific personalities etc..., moving can trigger a lot of resentment and a grieving process. Other kids adjust easily to it.

 

I do know kids who were 'harmed' by their parents' moving. It took them years to adjust and get over it. I know some who have been profoundly affected socially by their frequent moves.

 

Here is a news article about how moving affects introverted children in particular: http://www.physorg.com/news194803854.html

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/11/fashion/11StudiedMoving.html

http://mentalhealthnews.org/introverted-children-suffer-from-frequent-family-moves/8458/

 

(I think those are all articles evaluating the same study)

[Haiku]

I think it depends on the child. Some handle it easier than others. We bought our house with the intention to stay in it at least until the children go to college, and we have done everything we can to make that happen, even when things got very tough financially. I lived in the same house until I was 17, and I consider that a gift from my parents. I was comfortable there, it was my space, and I was surrounded by people I had known my whole life. I think there is something to be said for that. Were it me, I would minimize moving as much as I could.

 

Tara

[Tap]

I lived in 6 states in 6 years. That doesn't include the many in-state moves we did over the years.

 

I do think it opened up my eyes to the world. I do think I understand a lot more about the geography of the USA due to it.

 

BUT.....It taught me that friends are disposable. I taught me to never really form deep bonds or roots. It taught me to be too adaptable.

 

 

My kids were moved when my oldest two were 2yo and 7yo. We moved once and haven't moved again. I would like to move to another house in this area but haven't been able to yet.

[Sevilla]

To make an analogy of plants and transplanting them...

 

The issue with frequent uprooting is that some plants need consistent soil to grow - especially something that is growing into a tree. Some plants can be transplanted easily, some struggle with it and wither when this happens too often.

 

All plants need good soil where they can establish roote - if you rip away those rooted places too often it does have consequences. Sometimes the positive outweigh the negatives, but especially if the plant (er...child) is very happy where they are planted the move is traumatic. And trauma has a lasting impact on a person.

[catz]

BUT.....It taught me that friends are disposable. I taught me to never really form deep bonds or roots. It taught me to be too adaptable.

 

I lived in the same town growing up and about an hour from there now (I'm in a major city, this was an outer ring suburb - very outer ring and almost rural when I was growing up). I'm not in contact with anyone I went to grew up or went to school with. I think there are so many factors that I wouldn't necessarily worry about kids forming deep bonds with other kids. Some kids just don't or won't because they don't find like minded people until later in life anyway. I had friends growing up that were nice and fun as a kid. But they weren't "soul mate"/lifetime kind of friends. I actually think it's unusual to make that kind of connection as a kid. My DH is in contact with a few people he went to high school with, but they sure aren't tight friends. They're more someone he gets together with once or twice a year and then comes home rolling his eyes over it. ;-)

 

I would do what you have to do, but make an effort to involve your teen in the changes as much as possible. What extras can he get involved in immediately that would be interesting or fun for him? I'd be scoping out areas you might move to well before moving.

[KidsHappen]

Lord, I hope not. If so my hubby, all of my children and I are damaged beyond repair. I was born, raised and married military. My hubby moved a lot as a child and then joined the military. Some of my children were born when he was still in the military and then he joined the computer industry and we moved even more.

 

When you go to PS, it is hard to always be the new kids but if you homeschool it is much easier and you get exposer to a wider variety of cultures. The only problem is that when someone asks us where we are from, we all get that deer in the headlights look on our face.