MamaJo Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 A young couple I know has a big decision to make and they have asked me to pray. I have no intention of giving advise unless asked BUT it is an interesting dilemma and I wonder how others would choose. They married early 20s and have now been married for about 6 years. During that time, she has worked full time as a social worker and he went to college full time and worked part time in the computer field. He graduated this spring and has been offered a job in the field of his study. This is his dream job. But, and you knew there would be a but right, he would be making less then he makes now part time in the computer field. He could easily work full time doing what he does not and make more than double what the dream job make. He like the computer field but he doesn't love it. Looking forward, he would eventually make more in the dream job but the outlook would NEVER be to make as much as in the computer field. If he take dream job, his wife would have to continue to work they would have to further put off having children. Something they were both hoping to do after his graduation. So, if it were you, which way would you choose and why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 At 20, the dream job. At 30, the computer field. Because of the future sustainability. Sounds like even if he makes enough at the dream job *eventually* for them to have kids, there will still be constraints on their lifestyle, ie, her ability to choose to stay home (or not) w/ the kids, etc. Those things are hard to measure & think about before kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I would do what I could to have kids. For one thing, fertility decreases each year and a couple could actually bypass the window of opportunity they have by waiting. http://www.babycenter.com/0_chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155.bc There is a difference between late 20s and early 30s and if it turns out that they are one of those for whom it makes a difference... I can't even put the value of kids versus dream job on the same scale! Kids would always win to me! Secondly, I would consider having my "dream job" as a "want," like a vacation, especially if there is an alternative that he likes well enough. A lot of people work at jobs they actually dislike because they need to do it to support a family. He has a job he likes that could support his family now. He's better off than many. To me, a lot depends on what is meant by "would eventually make more" in the dream job. It is a really high value of mine that the mom is able to stay home with her babies at least when they are little. If dream job can support that in the next few years (keep in mind that fertility dropping), then the dream job might be worth it. But if dream job will never support it, and they will always be forced to have her working (and social work is a stressful, underpaid field) then I don't think dream job is worth it--not even close. That would be my reasoning with my values. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 with this economy I would go with the one that made the most money....totally understand what it means between liking and loving your work.....tough decision...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 At 20, the dream job. At 30, the computer field. Because of the future sustainability. Sounds like even if he makes enough at the dream job *eventually* for them to have kids, there will still be constraints on their lifestyle, ie, her ability to choose to stay home (or not) w/ the kids, etc. Those things are hard to measure & think about before kids. Yup, I agree. And now that I'm just about 40, I say...dreams change. Make money now, save it and plan ahead. If he is educated in his field, can he work the computer job and establish a business in the trade he loves? Worth a thought. I wouldn't toss a good paying job away for one that pays a pittance right now, now matter how happy and giddy I felt about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I would pick other :lol:. Can he work part time at his dream job and part time at his computer job? My dh is in the computer field, and that has afforded us the opportunity to travel, I can stay home, and his job is fairly secure. He like what he does, but his hobby would make him happier. That would seriously change our lifestyle if he did that for a living though, and not in a good way. A family beat dream job hands down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 with this economy I would go with the one that made the most money....totally understand what it means between liking and loving your work.....tough decision...... :iagree: Many would consider any job a dream job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I would do what I could to have kids. For one thing, fertility decreases each year and a couple could actually bypass the window of opportunity they have by waiting. http://www.babycenter.com/0_chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155.bc There is a difference between late 20s and early 30s and if it turns out that they are one of those for whom it makes a difference... I can't even put the value of kids versus dream job on the same scale! Kids would always win to me! Secondly, I would consider having my "dream job" as a "want," like a vacation, especially if there is an alternative that he likes well enough. A lot of people work at jobs they actually dislike because they need to do it to support a family. He has a job he likes that could support his family now. He's better off than many. To me, a lot depends on what is meant by "would eventually make more" in the dream job. It is a really high value of mine that the mom is able to stay home with her babies at least when they are little. If dream job can support that in the next few years (keep in mind that fertility dropping), then the dream job might be worth it. But if dream job will never support it, and they will always be forced to have her working (and social work is a stressful, underpaid field) then I don't think dream job is worth it--not even close. That would be my reasoning with my values. :iagree:My thoughts exactly!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Happy wife, happy life. If SHE had the decision to make all alone, what would she choose and why? I think dream jobs are great for single people. Careers are good for married people, imo.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Looks like I might be in the minority.. because I would encourage my husband to follow his dream. We also wouldn't "put off" having kids if we wanted them - I don't like "someday when we're _____" because you can keep filling in that blank with all sorts of stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissymama Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'm with the above poster. I would encourage him to follow his dream AND do whatever it takes to start having kids as well. Life is too short to do something you don't want to do. I would not want my husband spending 40+ hours a week doing something he didn't love IF he had the option to do something he did love. At the same time, I wouldn't put off having children. I would downsize however we could and do whatever needed to be done, including accept that we might have a lower standard of living than if my husband took a job he didn't really like. My husband worked at a job that he (mostly) hated for over 10 years. About two years ago, he figured out what he really wanted to do, and he made it happen. Even though it means about a 1/3 pay cut, I am so SO proud of him. Granted, he still makes a very good living, but we have had to downsize significantly. Having a miserable husband is no good for anybody. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 The computer job. Build up a 6 month savings security net. Then, start being on the look out for dream job, or start thinking about opening his own business at some point, But for now, pile away money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I'm with the above poster. I would encourage him to follow his dream AND do whatever it takes to start having kids as well. Life is too short to do something you don't want to do. I would not want my husband spending 40+ hours a week doing something he didn't love IF he had the option to do something he did love. At the same time, I wouldn't put off having children. I would downsize however we could and do whatever needed to be done, including accept that we might have a lower standard of living than if my husband took a job he didn't really like. My husband worked at a job that he (mostly) hated for over 10 years. About two years ago, he figured out what he really wanted to do, and he made it happen. Even though it means about a 1/3 pay cut, I am so SO proud of him. Granted, he still makes a very good living, but we have had to downsize significantly. Having a miserable husband is no good for anybody. :iagree: Go with what you love- but don't let it stop you from doing ALL of what you love- such as having a family/kids. Like somebody else said, that's the sort of thing where if you keep waiting for that "perfect" moment or putting it off "until" (fill in the blank), you may find yourself regretting having put it off so long, or resenting having put it off so long, or never doing it until it's too late, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I would absolutely encourage dh to take the dream job. As we all know, there are lots of ways to make things work and I'd think that the job he already doesn't love will become harder to do knowing that he could have had and passed up his dream job. They're young - lots of time for advancement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Looks like I might be in the minority.. because I would encourage my husband to follow his dream. We also wouldn't "put off" having kids if we wanted them - I don't like "someday when we're _____" because you can keep filling in that blank with all sorts of stuff. This. If it were at all possible to make it work with the husband doing his dream job, I'd do that. Otherwise, I would try to see how much you could do of both. As mentioned before, could the husband work part-time at his dream job and part-time on his computer work? I know that my husband could be making a LOT more (like 2-3 times what he's making now) doing tech stuff instead of working at a university doing research. But he likes what he's doing. He left tech to get a doctorate because he wanted to do something that he felt mattered. And, I'd rather have a husband who is happy than one who is miserable, even if we have less money. This is what he's doing 8-5 or so every single day. I can't imagine asking him to do something he really hated, when there was another possibility that we can make work, just so we could have more money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoGal Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Since they don't have kids, I would advise him to take the dream job, but keep the part-time computer work as well. Save up a bunch of money and then see where things are in a couple years. That way his computer skills will still be up, they will have money saved up, and they will have time to see if the "dream job" really is a dream. If he still LOVES the dream job after a year or two, I would feel more confident telling him to go for it. Sometimes a job seems like your dream job until you are in it and realize it isn't what you thought. I would hate for him to give up the computer stuff for good and then have the dream job not work out, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perogi Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Since they don't have kids, I would advise him to take the dream job, but keep the part-time computer work as well. Save up a bunch of money and then see where things are in a couple years. That way his computer skills will still be up, they will have money saved up, and they will have time to see if the "dream job" really is a dream. If he still LOVES the dream job after a year or two, I would feel more confident telling him to go for it. Sometimes a job seems like your dream job until you are in it and realize it isn't what you thought. I would hate for him to give up the computer stuff for good and then have the dream job not work out, kwim? That's a good point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) A young couple I know has a big decision to make and they have asked me to pray. I have no intention of giving advise unless asked BUT it is an interesting dilemma and I wonder how others would choose. They married early 20s and have now been married for about 6 years. During that time, she has worked full time as a social worker and he went to college full time and worked part time in the computer field. He graduated this spring and has been offered a job in the field of his study. This is his dream job. But, and you knew there would be a but right, he would be making less then he makes now part time in the computer field. He could easily work full time doing what he does not and make more than double what the dream job make. He like the computer field but he doesn't love it. Looking forward, he would eventually make more in the dream job but the outlook would NEVER be to make as much as in the computer field. If he take dream job, his wife would have to continue to work they would have to further put off having children. Something they were both hoping to do after his graduation. So, if it were you, which way would you choose and why? That is an interesting dilemma. I think job satisfaction is a serious issue. Life is not all about money. However if you want a family and would find satisfaction in that, I think it's very risky to keep pushing it to the future. (I've known too many people to do that and then run into infertility issues. Maybe the issues would have been there all along but maybe they just had a smaller window assuming they had a larger window.) If the man is highly motivated to pursue his dreams and provide for his family I would advise that he take the dream job and work his tail off to make the family thing a reality SOON! If he is not highly motivated and just takes life as it comes I would recommend he stick with the computer field and hope something opens up in his dream that makes enough to support a family. He likes it, so I'm assuming he wouldn't be miserable. I'm not a fan of miserable. :) And of course, I'm coming from the perspective that 6 years is an eternity for a young wife to wait for children. But that's me. I had to wait nearly 3 and thought I would die. If her biological clock is really ticking he needs to figure out how to make that happen. If she's not so gung-ho perhaps he could try the dream job. I'm assuming he could always get back into computers if the dream job doesn't really progress. Maybe he could do computers on the side to supplement his dream. ETA: I forgot to add that my dh landed his dream job. He resigned 5 years later. It didn't turn out to be all he thought it would be. Lots and lots of politics that he didn't imagine and couldn't stomach. So good advice from pp about treading gently with the dream job thing. Nice for my dh that it was a mostly lateral move. I was pregnant with #3 at the time and I distinctly remember telling him if it made LESS there was no way in earth it could happen because I could kind of see the wheels turning in his head that dream job trumped everything. Don't think so. But it isn't fun having a dh who HATES his job either. Edited October 2, 2011 by silliness7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I would want to know how secure the Dream Job is. If it's in education, for instance, I would say that's at risk in this economy. Anything that depends on government funding, also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 What's the dream? To have a family you can support with the option for a stay at home parent? Or to have an ideal job? In other words, does the dream job fit into the dream life? Were it me, I'd take the computer job. It would be different if the dilemma were simply between making less and making more. No big deal to live in a smaller house with used cars and whatnot for a dream job. But because the dilemma is being able to support a family or not, in my world the family support would win. I also have too many friends who put off having kids only to have terrible battles with infertility. Therefore, I don't think putting off kids is worth it. I write all of this with one caveat: One thing that would trump family would be God. If he is certain that God is calling him to a particular job, that's different. Got to go with God. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Did he know that dream jobs paid so much less when he was pursuing his education? If he did, what was he originally planning? Is it only this dream job that pays so much less? (like if he found a job at another organization it might pay more) If it is possible he could find another dream job that paid more, then I would recommend keep looking. Also if he does take the dream job, I would recommend that he keep his skills, contacts or some connection with the 1/2 time computer job. I don't think it hurts to take the dream job for a year and see how it goes. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Maybe he'll find a way to parlay it into a job that pays better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 What is the dream job? To me, that would be an important factor. If my husband's dream job is to serve as a youth minister and serve the Lord, I would be all for it. If his dream is to be basket weaver on the streets of NYC, then I would have to curtail that immediately. I don't know all the particulars here. Is there really no way for her to have kids with his dream job? Can they downsize, sell things, live more frugally? Would he make so little that he couldn't feed them? Too many factors to really know how to advise. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 He's been in school for this line of work. They must've known how much it paid. Poor guy, I wouldn't want to be in his position. On the other hand having two jobs to consider is pretty cool in this economy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJo Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 He's been in school for this line of work. They must've known how much it paid. Poor guy, I wouldn't want to be in his position. On the other hand having two jobs to consider is pretty cool in this economy. He was able to create his own major and one part of what he studied was the computer piece but the second part was the dream job part. He studied that just out of interest never assuming that he could actually get a job in that field as they are very hard to come by. He did so well at his internship that they offered him a job at the end of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abacus2 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I would not put off having kids at already at least 26 and stably married. Dh and I married at 20 and didn't have our first until 25; we wish we had started earlier. However, a true dream job is amazing and I would try to plan to make it work. Can he take the dream job and work computers part time to supplement? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Looks like I might be in the minority.. because I would encourage my husband to follow his dream. We also wouldn't "put off" having kids if we wanted them - I don't like "someday when we're _____" because you can keep filling in that blank with all sorts of stuff. :iagree: That's me too. Even if it meant she could not stay home fulltime and instead worked parttime or even fulltime, I would say they could still start their family and have him work his dream job. As long as they have enough between the 2 to support a family I say follow the dream. Or he could do his dream job fulltime, the computer job 1/4 time and she could stay home and they would have enough $. So many options that don't involve turning your back on a dream for the almighty dollar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Both. See if the computer job would work around his dream job. Eventually he may enjoy finding a mix of the two worlds or they'll find peace with a 2-career family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 He was able to create his own major and one part of what he studied was the computer piece but the second part was the dream job part. He studied that just out of interest never assuming that he could actually get a job in that field as they are very hard to come by. He did so well at his internship that they offered him a job at the end of it. Shoot. That makes the decision harder. He really might need to take it, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5of5 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 He studied that just out of interest never assuming that he could actually get a job in that field as they are very hard to come by. Not sure what I would advise, but this part has me very concerned. No job anywhere is perfectly secure. If 'dream' jobs are this hard to come by, what happens if it is lost? And I also agree with another poster who said that the reality of a dream job may be quite different than what he imagines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The dream job. When you do something for 40+ hours a week it's best to love what you do. A happy man spreads his happiness in thousands of ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Am I the only one wondering if the wife is doing her "dream job" while she has to continue working so that he could have his. My husband promised before we were married to find a job close to family when we had kids. Instead he moved us farther away to follow his bliss. It was very hard to swallow. If I had to delay kids or continue to work while having them so that he would work his dream job, I would have probably suggested that he look for an apartment for one when he moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 If possible, the dream job while working part time at the computer job to sock money away for a few years before they have kids. Also, so as to not burn any bridges in case the dream job turns out to be a nightmare when he's a full time employee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I would go with the dream job and as a family make the sacrifices to deal. That may mean beginning a family while the mom is still working. Have they considered the flexibility of her job. Could she work part time, evenings/weekends to reduce the need for daycare. I know social workers who have been able to do this. His income will come up in time. It would be ideal if he could continue part time or doing contract work with his computer job. But that may not be possible. Doing the safe thing (keep computer job) is not always best in the long run. In fact it is often stifling in the long run. Someone who is happy and fulfilled in their work is better able to be a good husband and father even at a low income (and you've said this income will go up), than a man who makes a decent salary but does not feel good about his work at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I would not put off having kids at already at least 26 and stably married. Dh and I married at 20 and didn't have our first until 25; we wish we had started earlier. Your post made me think how these situations are so highly individual that at this stage of my life I wouldn't be handing out advice unless asked specifically. I was dying to start a family right away and if I had to do it over again I would have waited one more year. Doing so would have knocked out over half of our mortgage and financially would have made it so much easier for most of the years I've been home. In our case and ages, one more year wouldn't have made any difference on the size of our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Looks like I might be in the minority.. because I would encourage my husband to follow his dream. We also wouldn't "put off" having kids if we wanted them - I don't like "someday when we're _____" because you can keep filling in that blank with all sorts of stuff. The dream job. When you do something for 40+ hours a week it's best to love what you do. A happy man spreads his happiness in thousands of ways. As a wife of a DH who is doing computer work that he hates just because it pays well, I would say to either take the well paying job temporarily or to go with the dream job now. 5 years ago I would have said something completely different--take the job that pays. But I've seen my DH depressed, angry, bored, etc, because his job is mind-numbingly boring. He hates work. It carries over into our home life. This summer I told DH to either find a new job or go back to school. He took the LSAT yesterday and we find out in a week if he's going to law school (has to get a certain score to get a 100% scholarship). 2 years ago every time DH talked about getting a new job or going back to school, I felt terror in my heart. Financial security was more important to me than my DH's happiness. But when you see your DH absolutely miserable every single day for years, you realize that financial security isn't everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycalling Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 It sounds like the wife has been giving up what she wants (children) and will have to continue to give up what she wants so he can go from like to love with his job. He doesn't hate the computer field, in fact, half of the major he developed for himself was for the computer field. Could children fulfill that like to love gap? They probably will. Either that or keep the full-time + part-time schedule he's been juggling already (replacing school with this dream job) until after a child arrives. His goals might change completely then and he will have been able to save money and experience his dream field long enough to make a more informed decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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